01x08 - Opening Night

[bunniefuu]

[indistinct, overlapping chatter]

[Kevin] I just think I look really cute in this pic, you know?

But if I post it, am I, like, rushing things with Franny?

Kevin...

-you don't look cute in that pic. -[banging on desk]

Listen up, losers. Adoption numbers are in the dang toilet.

Unfortunately, we've received only one foster approval application this month.

And it's definitely a prank.

Ready for this? Last name-- Rigatoni?

Rigatoni? Wait. That's-that's Franny's last name.

-Does that mean-- -She was born

in the Times Square Olive Garden?

No, it means Franny wants to lock it down with Kevin and his limp-a*s tail.

-Wow! I did it! I'm getting adopted! -[barks]

-[animals whimpering] -Hey, what the f*ck are you doing?

I'm getting adopted by Franny!

I'm getting adopted by Franny.

I'm... getting adopted by Franny.

-I'm getting adopted by Franny. -[Kevin] Paco,

I am not gonna miss you.

-I won't miss this, either. -Oh, my God!

Let this be a wake-up call, y'all.

If a punk-a*s b*tch like Kevin can get a collar on his neck,

the rest of you got no excuse.

-Thank you? -[Brandi] In fact,

for the rest of this meeting, I'm gonna be calling out the number one thing

you got to change about yourself if you want to be loved.

Glenn, now, I say this 'cause I care about you.

You're a fat piece of sh*t.

Cupcake, pork up and gain some LBs.

Don't nobody want to cuddle no skeleton.

Really? 'Cause your daddy couldn't get enough of this skeleton last night.

-My daddy's dead. -I know he is.

-You son of a b*tch! [screeching] -[yowling]

Ladies, please. Please turn these fights into words.

-[muttering] -Oh!

I'm not gonna miss this, either.

[Seth] Ah, you have my eye! My eye!

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home, but I'm gonna roam ♪

♪ out on my own ♪

♪ Till you're home with me ♪♪

[Kevin] I'm Kevin.

[dramatic fanfare playing]

[female announcer] Opening tomorrow night at the Delacorte Theater,

it's Mame, like you've never seen her before,

as a horse.

Critics are calling it "A return to form for Broadway legend Patti LuPony,"

and "surprisingly loud."

Not suitable for expectant mothers, the elderly or people afraid of horses.

Damn. Patti looks good.

-For a horse. -[needle hits record]

-♪ Think of all the good times... -[sighs]

Wow. I'm gonna miss this place,

but not enough to visit, you know?

Oh, no. How will we survive without you?

By holding onto the memories, man.

And look at us in the very spot where you first told me to--

-[music stops playing] -Shut the f*ck up, Kevin.

-You said it just like that. -[scoffs]

So you're really leaving me?

I thought we were endgame.

-What are you talking about? -We're like Ross and Rachel,

Jim and Pam,

Yellow M&M and Sex M&M.

Oh, Judy, I can't be in a relationship with you.

I... I need to focus on Franny's lap and eating string,

which will cost her thousands of dollars.

-Men stink like a butt! -Ow!

-[crying] -[groaning]

Hey, could you get out of here?

Brandi's dead father's coming over, and we've got some unfinished business.

Why would you need lube to f*ck a ghost?

Aren't they already slimy?

-[door opens] -[Seth] How dare he. How dare he!

Stupid m*therf*cker.

You have a visitor.

-[grumbling] -Uh... are you okay?

You're grinding your Invisaligns.

Listen, if you don't want to see this joker, I will

kick him to the curb.

What joker?

Michael.

Abandoning a furry companion is the ultimate no-no.

Which is why I only offered him water and not a soft drink.

What are you doing here?

Could you, uh... could you give us a moment alone?

To get you a tap water and only a tap water?

You bet your selfish behind I can.

You belong in The Hague, as*h*le.

Hmm. So I found the little gift you bequeathed me. [chuckles]

You mean, that big, wet dump I left on your welcome mat?

Yes, well, you never quite forget your cat's feces.

I can't believe it's really you, live and in the fur.

It's hair, you b*tch.

Oh, come out for a drink with me, Dodo.

Please? It's been so long.

But aren't you still living with old Sneeze McQueen?

I wouldn't want to get any dander on you.

Um... thing is, Olivia's not in the picture anymore.

[chuckles] It's, um...

It's been a hard year.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, if you change your mind about that nip,

I'm staying at the Carlyle.

[entry bells jingle]

-And stay out! -[entry bells jingle]

Jesus Christ. I haven't seen you this upset since Little Bub died.

He was m*rder*d!

Yes, I need to make an appointment.

Yes, I need to be tested for the HPV.

Haunted p*ssy Virus.

[sobbing]

[clears throat]

What is wrong, baby?

My picker is off.

I can't keep a man. They all leave.

-What man? -Peter left me when I was pregnant.

Well, that was pretend.

Then I met the perfect guy, but he was g*y.

-He was your brother. -And now Kevin is leaving me, too.

I'll never find love.

[loud, expl*sive nose-blowing]

Ah.

Baby, baby, you're just a baby.

And it's a big world.

There's got to be some weird little guy out there for you.

You... you really think so?

Hell, yeah, and I'm gonna help you find him.

Ah...

Why are you ladies always going to the facilities in pairs?

What are you talking about in here? Pocketbooks?

What the f*ck do you want, Bear?

I don't have any female friends.

[Franny] Leave it by the door. I don't want to be in the picture.

Oh. Kevin. Hi!

Franny, I heard about the application, but we don't need paperwork.

-I'm ready now. -Cool.

Ready for what?

You're a hoot, F-Train, you know that?

Anyway, so, I'm thinking my bed here

and maybe a Pavement poster on this wall?

Uh, Kev, I love a pop-in,

-but seriously, what's going on? -[steam hissing]

[gasps] Did you nominate me for q*eer Eye?

I hope they don't make me talk to my mom.

No, Silly Pants.

I saw your foster approval application.

And... I accept. I'm moving in.

-[purring] -Oh. Uh...

[bird chirps]

-Wait. Is someone in the shower? -[door creaks]

-Kevin. Nice to see you. -Paco, what the--

Oh... my... God.

You're adopting Paco? I thought you wanted me!

I'm sorry, but that's not what this is, you know.

We're just buds who hang sometimes.

But you said I made you want a pet.

You did make me want a pet, and I want a bird.

I'm a bird b*tch.

-You are? -I just want an animal I can cuddle with,

someone I can dress up, kiss on the mouth.

You know, a bird.

There's my little Paco Taco.

[clicks tongue, imitates cooing]

Paco, why didn't you say anything when I told everyone I was getting adopted?

I did!

I'm... getting adopted by Franny.

I'm getting adopted by Franny!

-Franny... Franny... -I thought you were just doing your

f*cking parrot thing.

No, you were just doing your cat thing,

being a narcissist.

I just blew up my entire life because I thought we were moving in together.

What am I gonna do?

Well, you can crash with us.

I-I think I have a spare birdcage.

Crash... with you two?

Hey, babe, I'm getting hungry.

Food's almost here. You want a sunflower seed?

-Dill pickle flavor! -Yes, please, to yummers.

Yeah, I think maybe I should just go.

[muffled] Oh, okay. Bye, Kev.

Ooh, you missed one, between my molars.

[Paco trilling]

-[phone camera clicks] -Oh!

Could you ever see yourself with a frog?

-Mm, too slippery. -What about a fox?

-Out of my league. -Ooh, ooh, ooh.

You're always waving at the garbage man.

You want to bang a garbage man?

I mean, he's cute, but all they do is take.

I need a giver.

Well, okay. That's a start.

Who else, now? Who else is your dream man?

Well, he's big and bearded.

-Mm-hmm. -Has white hair.

-Ooh, a zaddy. -He's jolly.

-Like... drunk? -Wears a red suit.

-Santa? -He gives me presents.

-That's Santa. -He likes milk and cookies.

He comes down the chimney, he says, "h*-h*-h*."

Judy, you are talking about Santa from Christmas!

-g*dd*mn! -[gasps] Oh, my gosh, you did it!

-I did what? -Now I know what I need to do.

Put my entire life on hold until I meet Santa.

No eating, no sleeping, no dialysis

until I get my husband, Santa Claus.

Siri, find elderly male prostit*tes near me.

[sighs] Okay.

Dan must get rejected all the time. He'll know what to do.

-[buzzer sounds] -[barking]

-[whimpering] -Who are you?

I'll k*ll you. Do you like me?

-Where am I? [barking] -He's not friendly.

-He's not friendly! -[barking]

Dan... did you get a dog?

-Yeah. A few weeks ago. -[barking]

I thought, you know, my life's a mess, and I spend hours a day out driving,

-so, why not get a dog? -[barking]

I was just gonna ask if I could spend--

-[loud thudding] -[Dan] What?

-[barking] -Spend... the... night!

-Yeah, that's not gonna be a good idea. -[barking]

Travis might maybe eat you.

-[sniffing] -Ooh, sh*t.

You can tell me you're not food,

but I'll forget it a minute later.

He was put up for adoption because he tried to eat a baby's toes.

He thought they were corn niblets.

I'm telling you, fam, I can't tell the difference.

I need flash cards. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Don't hurt my Dan. Play with me now.

[sniffs] You have cancer.

Oh, you want to hear some good news? My mom's pregnant.

-[buzzer sounds] -The doctor says it's a miracle.

Oh, Dan, you got to keep this dog away from your mama's baby.

Yeah, I know.

-Wait. Why? -[barking]

Ooh! Street corn?

-In all different colors? -Oh, sh*t.

Bye, Kev. Travis, we went over this!

[Travis] Rainbow corn. Rainbow corn.

-Oh. Okay. -[piano plays soft lounge music inside]

Dodo, you came!

You have me for exactly one drink.

I'm paying.

In that case, I'll have two martinis and a seafood tower.

Oh, well... [laughs] I'll take what I can get.

To be honest, it's...

it's been quite lonely since Olivia.

Okay. Let's hear it. What happened to that sneezy wife of yours?

She left me.

Oh, a person you devoted your life to abandoned you. How awful.

Come on now, Dodo. You-you know it was more complicated than that.

-Then where have you been? -Well, I would have visited,

but I-I didn't know where you went.

I kept typing "Bitchy Persian" into Petfinder,

but all that came up was Jake Gyllenhaal.

You were my whole world, and then you just discarded me like a piece of trash.

I did no such thing.

We tried to mitigate the allergy, if you remember,

but you wouldn't use that special shampoo.

-It smelled cheap. -And you refused to get a haircut.

-I am a purebred Persian. -We tried everything.

Yes, you and Olivia, but you were supposed to be on my team.

You were my person.

Look, I'm-I'm sorry I hurt you.

I did everything I could to keep you in my life,

but you were so bullheaded and inflexible and only thought of yourself.

Yeah. I've heard that before.

I could stand to be a little less selfish.

Chin up, Dodo.

We're all just figuring out life as we go.

You know, it wasn't until Olivia left

that I learned sleeping with all her friends

and controlling what she wore was having an effect on her. [laughs]

Uh-huh.

-[neon sign buzzing] -Hey, Judy.

Yeah, things didn't work out with me and Franny, so--

-[yelps] -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What the hell are you doing back here?

Well, I got a little ahead of myself, and I misread some things.

-But now I'm back. Hooray! [laughs] -Oh, no, no. We have moved on.

I am FaceTiming with a wiener dog who is interested in your bed

right f*cking now.

That's not a dachshund.

Uh, did I say dachshund?

He's a dog with a big wiener.

Sup?

So, you eat normal food for that thing

or do Purina got a big dangler formula?

So here's what I think we do. We take the night.

We sleep on it. I'll sleep in my bed here. We'll figure it out tomorrow.

The only thing I'm doing tomorrow is getting my guts rearranged

by this big-d*ck dog, so... beat it!

-Get, get, get, get! -[groans]

-Get, get, get, get, get, get, get! -[groaning]

Get gone.

[distant shouting]

[atmospheric music playing]

Final run-through in five minutes, Ms. LuPony.

Thank you, five.

Well, well. Here to say break a leg?

Which, as we all know, is the opposite of good luck for horses?

No. I come in peace.

Come wherever you want, darling, just not inside

another one of my assistants.

Your show was in The New York Times today.

-Oh, was it? -Yes. Thirteen across-- flop.

Ha! You know, the show just wasn't the same after we staged that mutiny

because of your toxic behavior.

Yeah. Sorry I was such a miserable prick.

I get it. Being a director is hard.

Is Faye still insisting on that Cajun accent?

Oui f*cking oui.

You know, I'm glad you showed up.

I wasn't going to, but then I realized,

life is too short for grudges.

Oh, God, are you dying?

If you are, I want the Sondheim nudes.

[both chuckle]

Anyway, I-I've got something for you.

The missing piece.

Oh, Mando.

Now, you're Mame.

Why don't you watch the show backstage with us, where you belong?

I was hoping you'd say that. I couldn't get a ticket.

Faye gave them all away to sailors during Fleet Week.

Ha! What a wh*re.

[laughs] I love her.

[melancholy music playing]

Oh. Boo-hoo.

I have a nettle in my paw.

Could you please help me, sir?

I mean, there's an urgent care one block over, but sure. Okay.

Do you have a damp cloth and tweezers, maybe a little Neosporin?

[gasps, groans]

[Kevin yells]

Hit. [laughs]

-Hit. Ooh! -[groaning]

-[coughs] No, not my inhaler, please. -Oh, yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

What? Why do you want that?

That's just a picture of me and my brother.

I'm gonna jerk off to it, and not to you, just to your brother.

Oh. What are you gonna do,

-like, fold the picture? -[kitten laughs]

-Are you gonna fold the picture? [gasps] -[vehicle doors close]

-[garbled radio transmission] -Officers, thank God you're here.

I don't feel safe outside. I need somewhere to stay.

We can help you out with that.

Really? Amazing.

Well, maybe a Marriott Bonvoy so I can get the points?

-[dogs barking, cats screeching] -This is not a Marriott Bonvoy.

[car horn honks]

Ah. [snoring] Ah.

-[bells jingling] -h*, h*, h*!

Santa? Oh, my gosh!

-[car horn blaring] -It really is you.

[in deep voice] Yeah.

That's right, Judy. [coughs]

I have come here to tell you something. h*, h*.

That you want to be my boyfriend forever and ever?

Oh, I wish, but I live way up in Canada somewhere,

and I've got a wife.

-Mrs. Claus. -That's right.

And you don't want to be the sidepiece, trust me.

That's who gets most of my coal.

-h*, h*, h*. -[fake laughs] Hmm.

So, I think we're on the same page here, Judy.

You can stop waiting for me, and I'll go back to where I'm from

to make fidget spinners or some sh*t, you know?

No! I won't let you just walk away.

[normal voice] What? I mean...

[deep voice] What?

If you feel there's even the slightest shred of something here,

-we owe it to ourselves to explore it. -Well, little Judy...

Just give me one night, and I'll make you forget that old frump, Mrs. Claus.

Oh, h*-h*, okay. h*-h*-h*-h*.

One night.

You get one magical night with me-- Santa Claus.

-Yeah. -No, no. No.

No, no, no, don't get too excited.

Suck it, Mrs. Claus.

Santa's blowing it all up for me!

-[cat screeching] -[German shepherd] All right.

Cat with the weird as*h*le, your person's here.

My person?

[buzzer sounds]

Before you get all mad at me, they scanned your chip.

That's the only reason I'm here.

No, no. No, I... I appreciate it.

I-I do.

Wow. You've chilled out.

Did you find religion in prison or something?

Dana, I think leaving you might have been a big mistake.

So, take me home, Mama Dana.

Take me home so I can die on your couch.

I'm not sure that's what you want.

I don't care what I want. Being on my own is too hard.

You don't know what it's like out there.

Oh, I know. [scoffs]

A couple weeks ago, I backslid and slept with Dan.

Dan? From my life?

Yeah, I went to Union Pool, because I knew he'd be there with his mom.

Ugh. You heard about

-the pregnancy, right? -Oh, yes.

Kath asked if I "had any hookups" at Typhoon Lagoon,

because they want to do a water birth in the lazy river.

But they don't even let you go in if you've had diarrhea.

-[laughs] Right? -Yeah.

Hey, just so you know,

I'm taking my name off your chip.

I'm sorry I did that.

-It's okay. -It really hurt my f*cking feelings

when you didn't want to go with me, but I was thinking...

maybe learning how to really be alone is something we both needed to do?

Yeah. So now I'll just be out there, freeballing it?

You already are, and you're doing better than me,

because you haven't recently f*cked Dan.

Well, Dana, I have something to tell you.

Ew! I don't want to think about that.

No, I know. What if I said I'm the father of Dan's mom's baby?

-Kevin! [laughs] -It's true.

This sh*t happened. It f*cking happened.

-[orchestra warming up] -[crowd chatter]

-[plays dramatic chord] -[applause and cheering]

[orchestra plays dramatic intro to "It's Today"]

♪ ♪

[piano plays gentle melodic intro]

-♪ Light the candles ♪ -[applause]

♪ Get the ice out ♪

♪ Roll the rug up ♪

♪ It's today ♪

♪ Though it may not be anyone's birthday ♪

♪ And though it's far from the first of the year ♪

♪ I know that this very minute has history in it ♪

♪ We're here ♪

♪ It's the time for making merry ♪

♪ And so I'm for ♪

♪ Making hay ♪

♪ Tune the grand up ♪

♪ Dance your shoes off ♪

♪ Strike the band up ♪

♪ Strike up the band ♪

♪ It's today! ♪

[instrumental interlude]

[crying]

[laughter]

♪ Call the cops out ♪

♪ Hold the roof down ♪

-♪ Pull the stops out ♪ -♪ Pull out the stops ♪

♪ It's today! ♪

-[song ends] -[applause and cheering]

[whooping]

[indistinct shouting]

[barking]

Thank you. Thank you.

-Okay, shut up. -[audience stops applauding]

To my fellow cast, to the crew and to all of you,

this has been the role of the lifetime.

We love you, Patti!

I know, but there's someone special I really need to thank.

Get out here, b*tch!

-My friend Armando, everyone. -[wild cheering]

[applause and cheering]

[♪ Andy Powell & Linda Roan sing "Summer Feels"]

-♪ Summer night ♪

♪ sipping off the vibe...

How do they remember all those lines?

-Uh, or anything? -[cheering, chatter]

Where am I?

[in Cajun accent] So, what you think of the show?

Faye, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but making your character Cajun actually works.

-It do, it do. -Okay, please stop that now.

I can't, mon frere.

They say I'm couyon with Austin Butler disease.

I don't wanna be no Cajun no more.

I gotta speak at my mama funeral.

-Drew Barrymore? -Nice.

Yay! Kelly Clarkson?

-Naughty. -I knew it!

This is so fun. I never want this night to end.

Little Judy, we've... we have to talk.

Let me guess.

You're gonna leave me, just like everyone else.

Well, actually, I'd like to propose--

-[gasps] -No! An arrangement. An arrangement.

-Oh. -If you promise

to get out there and live your life,

once a year, I'll shut down the workshop and come to New York

so we can have a special date, just you and me.

One date... every year?

Every year... forever and ever.

I'll take it.

But before you go, can I have a kiss, wet-style?

-No tongue. -Sure.

Why not? It's Christmas. Ha.

-No, it isn't. -You want the sloppy kiss or not?

Mmm. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mmm. Mwah. Mwah.

Mmm. Mmm. Mwah. Mwah.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm!

-Hey... guys. -Mmm, mmm.

Kevin, you're back!

Now you can meet my situationship-- Santa Claus!

-Isn't that Cupcake? -You heard her. I'm Santa.

I drink milk in your house while everyone's asleep.

Shouldn't you be with Franny, enjoying your new, perfect life?

I was wrong about that,

like I've been about a lot of stuff...

since I've been out in these streets.

-Santa doesn't want you to talk like that. -And neither do I.

Anyway, I'm here 'cause I wanted to tell you guys that I think

I might get out of town for a little bit.

I want to see what else is out there, and-and you've all helped me so much.

But I-I've got to take a little time-- like, alone-alone--

to think about what I want, and also,

there might be a dog with a big d*ck sleeping in my bed.

[normal voice] Let's be real. When a d*ck is too big, it feels like work.

Uh, I mean...

[in deep voice] ...every d*ck is big if you've been a good boy.

Thank you, Santa. I'll think of that when I'm gone.

-We'll miss you, Kevin! -Good luck, kid.

-You want a ride to the train station? -Sure.

Goodbye, my long-distance lover boy.

[deep voice] Goodbye, my sweet Judy.

I'll see you in a year.

[quietly] Never gonna f*cking remember this sh*t.

[♪ Frog sings "Did Santa Come Var. IX"]

Ugh. That's the last time I borrow a merkin from Martha Stewart.

On GZA, on RZA. We's out.

-[yells] What's wrong with you? -[hissing]

That's connected to my thin neck.

-Jesus Christ. A f*cking sl*ve. -Sorry about this, guys.

I-I did not know

-it was gonna be like this. -Aah! Why am I doing this?

This sucks!

[gasps]

♪ Covered in ♪

-♪ the color red ♪ -h*! h*! h*!

♪ Setting down above my head ♪

-♪ Did Santa come? ♪ -[chime sounds]

♪ Carry me, Mom ♪

♪ Stick out your tongue ♪

♪ The air tastes like home ♪

♪ Vape hits your lungs ♪

♪ Bring in the drums ♪

♪ Did Santa come? ♪

[Cupcake laughs]

-Ooh, look at me fly! -[Chuck honks]

♪ Rank all the lawns ♪

♪ Did Santa come? ♪

♪ Run down the stairs ♪

♪ Whisper your prayers ♪

♪ Bring up some chairs ♪

♪ Did Santa come? ♪

♪ Santa, did Santa come, Santa, did Santa come? ♪

♪ Santa, did Santa come? ♪

♪ Santa, did Santa come? ♪

♪ Santa, did Santa come, Santa, did Santa come? ♪

♪ Santa, did Santa come? ♪

♪ Santa, did Santa come? ♪

♪ Santa, did Santa come, Santa, did Santa come? ♪

♪ Santa, did Santa come, Santa, did Santa ♪♪

Chirp.