01x03 - Chunnel

[bunniefuu]

[techno music playing]

- [automated voice] Yeehaw!
- Oh! Okay, okay.

Demonface-11, I see you.

Thanks for the tip.

Sky loves you.

- [fanfare plays]
- [sighs]

Life gets heavy.

- Yeah, you guys.
- [laptop beeping]

Yeah, I'm gonna go there.

Let's talk like we talk
when we're talking,

because life is literally heavy.

Like, gravity is actually
pulling you down,

and life should be fun, and it isn't.

Work, politics, conjunctivitis…

Yuck!

But that's why I'm here.

That is my only purpose.

[automated voice] Go, Sky!

It's to get y'all nice and tingly
from your ba*ls to your mouth,

to your second mouth.

[automated voice] Show butthole!

We all need to live more in the moment.

Because, guess what, party people?

Maybe the moment is all we have.

[music continues]

Maybe everything's about to change

and there's not a thing
we can do about it.

Maybe life's gonna get amazing.

Or…

maybe it's gonna suck.

I don't know.

You don't know.

No one knows.

What I do know is that
we all need to make a to-do list,

and on the very top of it
should be "have fun."

And that's what we do here.
That's all we do.

We have fun and spread joy.

And speaking of spreading,

keep those tips coming, y'all,

and I'll show you something
I call the Chunnel.

That's where you go in England,
and you come out France.

[laptop beeping rapidly]

Oh, thank you.

Um…

- Sorry about the other day.
- No.

- That was really…
- It's okay. It's all good.

- This is complicated human stuff.
- [Paula] Mmm.

- [inhales sharply]
- Yeah, it's hard.

- I mean…
- That's kind of why we wanna do this.

- I really want things good between us.
- Yeah, I think so too.

- [Karl] Yeah. Good.
- I mean, you're a great dad.

And… And Mal, I know that you love Hazel.

I-I-I really appreciate that.

- Thank you.
- [Paula clicks tongue] Yeah.

I mean, we're gonna be
in each other's lives.

So, we might as well do our best
not to m*rder each other.

[Mallory] Agreed.

- No k*lling.
- [Paula] Yeah.

Well, look at that. We just signed
a three-way anti-m*rder pact.

- [phone buzzes]
- [Mallory, Karl chuckle]

[Paula] Mm-hmm.

But look, uh, Mallory's chance
to run the, uh…

to run the office in Boise
is a huge opportunity,

- and I don't think we can pass it up.
- It's a dream.

A dream in Idaho.

You make fun,
but Boise is truly beautiful, Pauls.

- [Paula] Mm-hmm.
- It is.

I mean, it's amazing.
It's… It's clean, it's cheap,

- there's, like, barely any crime. It's…
- Kids ride their bikes around,

nobody locks their doors.

- Yeah, it's idyllic.
- It's nice. Yeah.

Mmm. Yeah, you get why
all those r*cist militias call it home.

Look, no matter how much
you don't want Hazel to be in Boise,

it's not like we're gonna move up there
and not see her.

So we're trying to figure out
how to do this, right?

Okay.

[Mallory] So, we had an idea.

[Karl] What if we did it as a team?

What if you moved out there with us?

We got you an awesome rental
with a big backyard,

- not too far from us, not too close.
- [Mallory] Yeah. And I'll…

We'll pay for it.

- Really?
- [Karl] Yes, really.

We'll get you all new furniture
that, obviously, you pick.

We'll get… We'll get you a car
to get you situated.

I have a car.

[Mallory] Well, you're gonna need
four-wheel drive out there. So…

- We'll get you one of those cool Jeeps…
- Yeah.

- …the open-top Jeeps.
- Yeah, like in Clueless.

- Fun!
- Oh, my God.

[Karl] We'll make everything so easy
for you, Paula.

Because I know this isn't what you want,
and that's why I appreciate ya.

But I think this could be amazing.

Do you think I could get a dog?

I mean, everybody up there has dogs.

- Yeah. Get two dogs.
- [chuckles] Yeah.

What about a pony?

Would you get me a pretty pony?

[Karl] Okay.

With a mane and a tail that I could brush?
It could sleep in my room.

- I get it.
- You're treating me like a child.

[Karl] Look, I know you're dying to say
"f*ck you" right now,

but just think about it.

Think about it for Hazel.

That's all I do, Mal.

[Karl] Oh, is it all you do?

Because I know you, Paula.

I really know you.

So what are you holding on to here?

What is keeping you here,
other than pride?

Other than winning?

It's not about winning.

This isn't f*cking pickleball.

[Karl] Then what is it?

You don't have anybody special
in your life.

You don't love your apartment

- and your job is fine!
- [Mallory] Karl.

[Karl] But you love it so much
that you can't leave for your family?

This is an incredible opportunity.

Not just for you, Paul, for all of us.

We are offering you an olive branch.

[sighs]

I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that.

You get emotional. He's emotional.

Oh, I remember.

Paula, will you at least
just think about it?

Please.

Okay.

- [phone buzzes]
- Um…

I gotta go. [sighs]
Ugh, I gotta get to work.

Thank you, Paula.

[tense music playing]

["Emerge" playing]

[heat g*n blowing]

- [music continues]
- [school bell rings]

Hiya.

Hey, listen, I just found these outside.

Figured they, uh, belong to a student
with tiny feet named Hazel.

Right. Thanks, man.

- Hiya.
- [receptionist] Hey.

I just wanted to leave this
in lost and found.

[receptionist] Sure. I'll take it.

[no audible dialogue]

[ominous music playing]

- [music fades]
- [huffs] He's Godfathering me.

What do you mean?

Please tell me you've seen The Godfather.

Yeah. I saw it on a plane.

Might have been edited.

He's making me an offer I can't refuse.

Right, sorry. Yes, he is.

They are pushing you around,
but it is a good offer.

If I got that from my ex,

I'd have moved to Burlington.
I'd be working on my novella right now.

Jesus… [inhales sharply] …even
in my dreams I sell myself short.

"Novella." Why not the full novel, Doug?
[scoffs]

[sighs]

Look, in these types of custody cases,
there's always a tipping point.

One side makes an offer
so compelling that, if rejected,

they know there'll never be a settlement.

So, next stop is court.

[inhales deeply] But I'm the mom.

I would have
a good chance in court, right?

Yes. Definitely.

But it's still a chance.

Plus, it's a real expense.

Look, there's expert witnesses,
child psychologists.

It can drain you.

- Which is why…
- Boise.

I mean, it doesn't hurt to look.

If you like it, hey, nice life.

If not…

[sighs] …you know
what you're fighting for.

Your duck is dying.

[intriguing music playing]

[frenetic music playing]

- Here you are.
- [music stops]

[Geri] Oh, you giant beauty. Bless you.

I didn't know
you were thinking of law school.

Oh.

Yeah, well, can't check facts forever,
so… [chuckles]

You know, at graduation,
our commencement speaker, Angela Bassett…

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever?

Uh, she… Anyway, she told us
to follow our passions.

Turns out ol' Angie
gives pretty bad advice,

'cause finding good dumplings
and watching horror movies

aren't gonna get me
a house in The Hamptons.

So, I'm just following what I'm good at.

Memorizing arcane sh*t
and arguing about it.

Hence, law school.

I thought your passion was Vi.

Oh, sh*t. [chuckles]

Actually, what do you think of this?

Ooh.

I think you're very close
to a free yogurt.

Well, I found this
in Vi's underwear drawer.

Oh. Before you say anything,
I'm going to assume you're overreacting.

Vi is not a dessert person.

She is all about the savory,
I am the sweets guy.

So why then, I ask you,
does she have a yogurt card

with nine of the ten yogurt cups
already punched?

- [Paula] Mmm.
- Makes no sense. Doesn't add up.

I was wrong. This is really bad.

Rudy, you know, everyone keeps secrets,

and if you dig a little deeper
you know what I think you're gonna find?

- What?
- You need a therapist.

- Okay.
- [Paula] Yeah, she's right.

Real relationships have real problems.

This isn't a real problem,
or a relationship.

[clicks tongue] Sorry.

Thanks, but I don't know if you have
much credibility on real relationships.

Just, uh…

Just online cam ones.

[chuckles]

Ouch.

[phone ringing]

[ominous music playing]

- Was that too far?
- Yeah. It felt a little far.

She made it seem worse by saying "ouch."

- Hello.
- [distorted voice] You still owe money.

- Fifteen thousand.
- [stammers] I… I don't…

Remember, we know you,

your daughter, your ex.

Get a pen.

Routing number.

Wire it.

You have until three o'clock.

If we don't get it,
you know what we're capable of.

We'll ruin your f*cking life.

[call disconnects]

- [breathing heavily]
- [line rings]

[Gonzales] You've reached the desk
of Detective Sofia Gonzales of the NYPD.

- If it's an emergency, dial 911.
- [line beeps]

It's Paula Sanders.

Uh, uh… They-They called again.

The… The… [clicks tongue]

The other scammer or the-the-the m*rder*r?

[stammers] I-I… They want money.

Call me back. Please.

- [cat meowing]
- [music fades]

[neighbor] Oh. I mean, I barely knew him,
and now I have his cat?

What am I supposed to do with this guy?

I mean, he's a little puddin' pop,
but I have the dogs.

Now, did your neighbor have any friends?

Reggie'd k*ll him for sure.

I'm gonna find cat bones in his turds.

I'm gonna have to take him to the vet

to make sure that
he didn't puncture an intestine,

and I don't have that intestine money.

I'm not supposed to do this,
but you know what?

I'm going to take
this cutie patootie home with me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

My… My Biscuit passed away
two months ago, so…

Oh, thank you!

Now, uh, do you recall anyone?
Any friends? Any family?

Uh… [stammers]

Dennis is all. His boyfriend.

- He had a boyfriend?
- Yep.

[sighs]

[line ringing]

You've reached the desk
of Detective Sofia Gonzales of the NYPD.

If it's an emergency, dial 911.

[line beeps]

Hi, it's Paula again.

Uh, what… Are you on vacation?
I'm freaking out.

They want the money by 3:00.
What do I do? Call me back.

[sighs]

[ominous music playing]

[upbeat techno music playing]

Hey. You know, Rudy's a big, dumb idiot.
I don't think he really meant

- what he said...
- I… I can't do this right now. Sorry.

[upbeat techno music continues]

[phone dings]

Are you sh1tting me?

[phone dings]

[Geri] Paula.

Did you see that?

[detective] The hell is that?

Victim had a cat.

And you like it for the m*rder?

Sweet. Case closed.

- What's up, little man?
- He had a boyfriend too.

Maybe there's something there.

Could be.

I was thinking. There was no forced entry,

but the side window was open,
and it was cold last night.

Maybe the perp climbed in.

Well, that place was tossed
and cleaned by a pro.

It wasn't some meth head
looking for a Rolex.

Find anything on security cameras?

Down the street they caught a car
racing off. Got a plate.

You're running it?

You gotta chill with the follow-ups.

Why wouldn't I run it?

When you assume I'm not gonna run it,
it makes me not wanna run it.

So, did you run it?

Another possibility,
maybe the cam boy wasn't scamming her.

Maybe the whole thing was real?
He died being tortured by the kidnappers?

Mmm.

More likely, he's been scamming
a lot of people,

then someone got fed up and k*lled him.

So, uh… who's going to tell the boyfriend?

Come on, Baxter.
You're better at the sensitive stuff.

Nah. I'm an empath.

If I do it, I'ma be sad all week.

[chuckles] Guess you are a sweets guy.

Feeling superior?

- To you? Yes, always.
- Okay.

You know, grapes are straight carbs.

This has peanuts in it
to balance the glycemic load.

- You're a glycemic load. You know that?
- Hmm.

Hello. Paula left her laptop open.

Maybe we could find the cam boy.

Uh, Geri, th-this is not okay.
Don't do that.

What? Come on, like you're not curious.

You love the drama.

- Have you looked at my computer?
- No.

Whatever. You-You tell everyone
everything anyway.

I am learning about my coworker.

Which is nice that I care, actually.

Uh-huh. Okay. Well, enjoy your espionage.

I've got LSAT class.

Really? I bet she has an underwear drawer
full of frozen yogurt cards in here.

No, bad idea. Don't do it.

[ominous music playing]

[tense music playing]

[music fades]

[phone ringing]

Hey, how'd it go?

Got into your former contractor's devices.

All company business is accounted for.

Good.

But there were other files
on there too. On the hard drive.

Videos of a dozen unknowns.

Not our targets.

Yeah, that's fine. Just go ahead
and wipe everything.

Really? I mean, it seems kinda weird.

No, it's not weird.
It's standard procedure.

Wipe it.

Danke schön.

[inhales deeply, sighs]

[clock ticking]

[sighs]

- [typing]
- [sighs]

Hi, I'd like to make a wire transfer.

No problem, ma'am.

That's the routing number
and account number.

Will that go out today?

We should just make it.

Okay.

How much would you like to wire?

One dollar.

- A dollar?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

[phone beeping]

[beeping continues]

[school bell ringing]

[chattering]

[sighs]

[teacher] Hazel Hendricks!
I think your mom's here.

[Mallory] How you doing?

All right, let's do it.

[engine starts]

[ominous music intensifies]

[music fades]

- [camera shutter clicks]
- [chewing]

[phone ringing]

Hello.

[distorted voice]
You think you're badass, huh?

You have no idea
who you're f*cking dealing with.

[stammers] What are you talking about?

Moron, you wired a dollar.

A dollar? Uh, I… [stammers]
That must be a mistake.

I can… I can go back tomorrow.

f*cking loser.

[stammers] I'll fix it.

You can't fix anything.

All you do is f*ck things up.
Pathetic, lonely, idiot b*tch.

Yeah, well, you know what?

You're the f*cking idiot b*tch who
just accepted a one-dollar wire transfer.

f*ck you.

Yeah, no. Yeah, I did. I f*cked you.

Because you used to be anonymous.

But you know what happens
when you accept a wire transfer?

There's a transaction receipt.

And on that receipt
it's federally required

that there's all this other information.

So, yeah, I f*cked you,
OBG Properties LLC.

Yeah? Well, now Trevor f*cking dies.

What? Trevor is dead.

[stammers] He's dead.
How do you not know that?

Who is this?

What the f*ck?

[line beeps]

Uh… [stammers] Hey, Trevor. Uh, it's Ash.

[stammers] f*cking call me back.

[train brakes squeal]

["A Girl Like You" playing]

[phone ringing]

- Hello.
- Hello. Is this Dennis O'Neill?

Uh, yes. Who's calling, please?

My name is Detective Sofia Gonzales
with the NYPD.

I'm afraid I have some difficult news
about Jeff Thorwald.

[meows]

What? Uh, did something happen to Jeff?

I'm very sorry to inform you, sir,

that Mr. Thorwald passed away
yesterday morning.

[meowing continues]

What?

But I… Uh…

No, no, no. I-I-I… Um, I…

[stammers] Are you sure?

- I'm afraid so.
- [breathes heavily]

But I-I… I literally just saw him.

We were just… I just…

I just saw him. We were just together.

Oh, God. What-What happened? [cries]

Uh, I was hoping that
you could help us with that.

There was an intruder and a struggle.

I'm truly very sorry, sir.

[cries] Oh, God.

I, um… I don't, uh… [cries]

Oh, my God. I, uh…

[sobbing]

I, um…

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Sir, we will need to sit down and talk.

You may have some information
that could be vital.

Jeff. Jeff. [sobbing]

I'm very sorry, sir.

- [call disconnects]
- [stops sobbing]

[exhales, sniffs]

- [Paula] Very good. Yeah!
- [Steve] There you go.

[Paula] Hazel!

[Hazel] Yes, Coach Mom?

- You want some power pellets?
- Yeah.

Here. The red ones
make you run super fast.

- Go, go, go, go!
- Yum.

[Paula] Yum.

- [parent] Kick it back this way!
- Frankie, kick it!

Oof. I think we're not good.

I don't understand
why nobody is using their hands.

- It just seems very stupid to me.
- Right?

- Yeah.
- We're not gonna win any games like this.

I think we'll win one. Maybe by forfeit.

[chuckles] I like your confidence, coach.

Uh, I don't see it, but if they do win,
I'll buy you a drink.

You got yourself a deal.

[children shouting]

[whistle blows]

[tense music playing]

[Karl] Hey.

- They look not great.
- [music fades]

- A lot of people say it's the coaching.
- [laughs] I can see why.

Hey, could we talk for a second? You mind?

Have you given any thought
to what we talked about? About Boise?

- Uh, yeah. Absolutely I have.
- Good.

And the offer was very generous.
It's crazy generous.

It's so generous, I almost didn't notice
how manipulative it was.

I'm not trying to manipulate you.

Yes, you are.

It's fine. You manipulate me,
I manipulate you.

That's just where we're at.

But there is someone else
involved in this.

And, like, what kind of role model
would I be for Hazel

if I just let you make
all of my decisions?

Pick what town I live in, which house?

Well, I'm doing this for Hazel, obviously.

Okay. Come on.

Mal got a good job
and everything else is rationalization.

You're actually being really selfish.

Like, look how happy she is.

What kind of mom would I be
if I pulled her out of this life?

She deserves a mom
who will stand up for her,

who she can rely on.

That's who I'm gonna be.

Now, Pauls, you could be
that person in Boise.

- We could build all of this in Boise.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
I do not want to move to Boise.

Like, you said you know me.
I know you too.

You like udon noodles
and weird art stores.

Like, you don't wanna move to Boise.

- Come on.
- Well, I am. That's happening, okay?

Paula.

Are you really doing this right now?

You're really starting a w*r with me?

Yeah, I'm not doing that. You are.

If we do this,
you could f*cking lose everything.

Yes, so could you.

I'm the mom. Judges love moms.

So maybe you're the one
who should back off.

So, what, that's it?

Yeah. I guess that's it.

Karl.

This area is for coaches only.

[sassy music playing]

Kick the sh*t out of it, Owls! [grunts]

- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!

[music continues]

- [tires squeal]
- [engine revs]

[tires squeal]

I think Trevor's f*cking dead, babe.

Where are you?

- [meows]
- [Gonzales] Hey. Dropping off a stray.

[phone ringing]

Hey.

[dogs barking]

Jesus. What's that noise?

You at your mama's house?

Animal shelter in Ridgewood.

Getting rid of the cat.

That cute m*therf*cker?

Ridgewood kills if they aren't adopted.

Good thing it's cute.
You got an update for me?

Yeah. License plate on the security
footage belonged to Paula Sanders.

Prints on the hockey stick
also belonged to Paula Sanders.

Huh? Why the hell are her prints
even in the system?

[chuckles] You're not gonna
believe this sh*t.

[music continues]

[Mallory exclaims]

[gasping]

[groans]

[exclaims, groans]

[phone ringing]

Hi, hi. It took you long enough.

So the scammer called, and I tricked them.

I got their information.

Uh, uh…
I'm-I'm done getting pushed around.

I have so much to tell you.

[Gonzales] I have so much to tell you too.

I also got some information.

This wasn't your first dead body,
now, was it, Paula?

I don't like it when people keep secrets.

What?

[ominous music playing]

[sighs]

[Gonzales] Paula? Paula, you need
to tell me what happened in Portland.

[music stops]

[breathing heavily]

["Can I Get Get Get" playing]