01x10 - Every Grouch Has a Silver Lining

[bunniefuu]

A NETFLIX SERIES

-She won, Carlos!
-I'll help.

-Careful. Geez.
-Do something!

You will get served, and we'll discuss
the division of our property.

Fifty-fifty.

You keep your 50. I have my 51 right here.

I'll only take what's mine.

Take your picture, then.
It doesn't fit in.

-Mom.
-Here's mine instead.

Carlos paid, so it stays.

Leave your boobs.
He paid for them. I could use them.

You really enjoy roasting others.

No, I just enjoy roasting you.

It took you long enough to finally leave.

-Just drop it.
-I could drop dead.

I've done several medical exams.

They post results online,
just like celebrity gossip.

What's going on?

Nothing juicy.
They're all living their best life.

I got my physical done too.

You mean "checkup"?

I love checkup appointments.

They stamp my card each time,
and I'm looking forward to the prize.

I'll get a free MRI.

-A dreamy MRI.
-Okay.

Love, how could I ever live without you?

-I certainly will.
-Your daughter-in-law is gone.

You think?
Carlos will get a new, younger woman soon.

No, I won't. No way. Don't listen to Mom.

How will I live without you?

-I'll miss the smell of your hair.
-Sniff a shampoo bottle.

Go with God. Find a man soon. Best wishes.

Go eat sh*t, Isadir.

Potty mouth.

Of course, Mom. You've asked for it!

Love, no need to say that to my mom.

-Stupid.
-Stupid.

You two against me now?

-You asked for it.
-I'm moving into a flat.

-Don't do that, love.
-I already did.

If I break up with a boy…

-What is it?
-Who will call me a loser now?

I'm not happy with Alice and Carlos.

-I'm upset they're separating.
-I'm worried about my salary.

Will they share my pay too?

I'm so worried, I'm nauseous.

Me too. I feel better now.

-How come?
-I stopped eating your food.

Please, love, stay.

-Trust me.
-Carlos.

Out of my way!

-Love…
-Excuse me!

Marcia, convince your mother to stay.

-It's over.
-I know, Mom.

-Love.
-Just in case he didn't get it.

There you go. That's much better.

It matches the couch now.

-Wow.
-Hi.

Did I get this right?
The curtains gave birth to the couch?

Man. I guess I smoked too much.

You were born this way.

You know, I'm a bit…

Oh… Grams…

I read something on kids of divorce.

There's an 80% chance
I won't be able to get it up.

Why worry?
You're not seeing anyone anyway.

I didn't see anyone the whole season,
and I'm okay.

As for Marcia, she's like the IRS.
She's screwing everyone.

You got to work this out, sis.

Talking about working out,
I got a new trainer.

The last one had a very weak set.
I didn't even break a sweat.

Give me his number.

I need to learn how to squat
all over again.

-Oh, well…
-My back. Help me.

g*dd*mn it. Getting old f*cking sucks.

Grandma, you need a physical therapist.

No physical therapy.

I'll take on
your lazy mother's activities.

Physical activity, going to the gym.

I'll go do some yoga. Or is it yogi?

-Yoga.
-I'll open up my lotus flower.

I'll even go to HOA meetings.

Those meetings are so boring.
Everyone is dressed up.

I always doze off.

Where I come from,
there's always a fistfight.

HOA meetings in my neighborhood
often make it to the local news on TV.

Well, I'm off to school.
Preppy boys get in fistfights too.

Go, have fun.

Is the lady of the house in?

-Where's my boss?
-Hi. Nice to meet you.

Don't take this the wrong way,
but you don't look like Ms. Alice.

I'll dye my hair and get a boob job.

If I do that, I'll be Alice.

I just wanted to know
if I can pour chlorine in the pool.

More chlorine?
It'll dry up my skin, Aloisio.

I need to copy those celebrities
who take a bath in body lotion.

Don't blame the chlorine, Ms. Isadir.

You think I'm old?

-No.
-Yes, you do.

Don't worry. I'll get Botox all over.

-I'll look like a teenager.
-Yes, sure.

What if you look like a teenager

and meet a young man
who wants to go all the way?

I'll say, "Welcome to the show."

You're too much.

-Go.
-May I?

-Leave. We'll talk later.
-Ma'am…

Hi, my love.

Hi, Alice. You needed to talk to me?

You'll stop by?

You're coming over? Of course.
My house is your house. Come.

Come, my love. I mean it.
I worked it out with Mom.

She's leaving. Oh, that's great.

Mom!

Mom, where are you? Mom!

I can't believe the cow is back.

The cow barely stepped out of the house.

I didn't even have time
to decorate the kitchen.

I'll call Fatima.

I'll call Fatima and see if she can help.

Fatima is my best friend. Hello?

Hi, Fatima.

Carlos's ex is there?

She's a personal trainer?

Wow. Is God up there
watching my life on TV?

He sent me just what I needed, Fatima.

Okay, I'll be right there.

-Hi, love.
-Hello.

-This girl is down.
-What's wrong, Cézar?

-This girl, not me, Auntie.
-Oh, the other girl.

-Cezinha. It's a secret.
-I can't keep my mouth shut.

I don't want to talk.

It's okay, Kelly. Come here. Don't talk.

-She won't talk, Cézar.
-Thanks.

Were you cheated on by a man or woman?

Isadir, poor girl.

No, nobody's cheating on me.

Carlos cheated on you, then.

We're just good at it.

Let's go for a ride in that gorgeous limo
Mr. Armando left at the shop.

Cezinha, are you sure
he didn't steal that limo?

He just got out of jail.

Make the most of it
while he's free, Fatima.

Exactly. If I owned a limo, honey…

I'd ride naked in it.

I'd walk around in my birthday suit.

I'd have a much easier time
picking up men in a limo.

Cezinha, you better behave.

-You don't need more men.
-Yes, I do.

By the way, I'm separating.

Cézar, get it on with Carlos.
Keep it all in the family.

Yes, Carlos.
But what happened to you and Flávio?

-I don't want to talk, Auntie.
-Okay.

And you can have your apartment back.

I don't want to talk.

I heard you became a personal trainer.

I need a new one.

-A trainer?
-A daughter-in-law.

Come over. Work out uptown.

-They're divorced?
-Separated.

-Aren't we going out?
-Honey, I got work to do.

My fridge looks like that limo.
Bright, but empty.

My dream when I was 15
was to ride to school in a limo.

I got to school in a Volkswagen Brasília.

C'mon, Fatima.
You're much older than Brasília.

You're so old
you took a mule ride to school.

My back, g*dd*mn it.

She has a metal plate in her back.

God, careful there.

I've got so many metal plates,
I could be Wolverine's mom.

I got Carlos instead, that wuss.

Take it easy, then.

-Stand up.
-Wow, nice booty.

I always had a lot of junk in the trunk.

Grandma, I meant your trainer. Hello.

How are you? I'm Marcia.

All good? Too bad I'm not into women.

I tried it seven times
to see what it was like.

Thanks.

Good girl. Just like Grandma.

-She sure did.
-Swing both ways, you'll never get lonely.

There you go. Good job.

There's no bus around? Just catch a train.

What a gorgeous kid. I love her.

Keep your balance.

Brace your abs like this, okay?

-See?
-Kelly?

What a surprise.

I was surprised to learn
that you cheated on me.

What? Who said that?

Isadir.

She never makes things up.

And you, son, you can't get things up.

Yeah, right.

Go back to your neighborhood.

Don't change the subject.
You cheated on Kelly.

-I didn't cheat on her.
-Right.

-Carlos, I'll get right to it.
-Hi, love.

There's someone new.

He met someone too.

She's not new. She's a bit old. Forty.

-I know you.
-I'll explain.

It's not what you're thinking. Not at all.

-Really?
-Really.

-What a prick, Carlos.
-Why am I a prick?

Such a cliché.

That's what I told your dad
when I cheated on him.

C'mon, Carlos.

Love, you wanted to tell me something.
I'm all ears.

You're an as*h*le, Carlos.

He wanted to hear it from her.

-Mom, just quit it, okay?
-Sure.

-Leave my house. Go!
-Okay.

-All right.
-Alice.

-Okay.
-It's pool time.

-Didn't you hear? He wants you out.
-The pool is outside. Come, Fatima.

You said they broke up.

Sexually, they've been broken.

Hey, did someone drop their medical card?

It's mine. My God.

I got to check my test results online.

-I forgot it.
-See you outside.

I'll be right there.

Good thing there's a QR code.

Aren't you coming?

-My God.
-What?

Fatima… A positive pregnancy test.

-Fatima.
-No way.

-Was it Davi?
-No, Carlos.

My God, Isadir! How could you?

It's a sin! God will punish you!

He punished me with you.

Alice is pregnant.

Alice is having a baby, Fatima.

Great. How about your tests?

-Let's go, Fatima.
-Let's go.

-God.
-Fatima…

I can't even, Fatima.

I don't know
how I'll figure this sh*t out.

Isadir, your booty isn't that bad.

I'm not talking about my butt.
Why do people obsess about butts?

I got sh*t to figure out.

You and your butt can go to hell.

God.

Carlos.

Calling God. I found His angel.

You're my father's ex, right? I'm Jonas.

Satisfaction.

Pleasure comes later.

-Are you a minor, boy?
-I'm over 18.

Want to take my measurements?

Yes, Mom. Why are you limping?

-What is it?
-I'm just…

Alice is pregnant.

How did that happen?

If you get your…

your little dragon

and put it in the dungeon

what usually happens
is that a baby comes out of there.

-Call her.
-I'm calling.

-Meanwhile, I'll…
-I'm calling.

-I'll write her a letter.
-Okay.

-Is she there?
-It's ringing.

-Wait, it's ringing.
-Is she… Carlos?

-Come, Mom. I must hurry.
-Wait up.

I'm older than you. I can't run, damnit.

Geez.

Hi, Cezinha. How have you been?

Feeling glamorous.

I've been driving a gorgeous limo around.
I came to pick up Kelly.

-Can I come too?
-Keep dreaming, girl.

If you get a flat,
it means my curse is working.

You're jealous.

What is it, girl? Marinez, wake up.

Like at home. Lights out at random.

-That's because of my live wire.
-Shut up.

-We short-circuited.
-Go.

-Go get me some water.
-Can't you tell?

-Leave, love.
-Water?

-I'll get some sugar water.
-No, it's just spiritual.

-Don't worry.
-Let's go, bish.

-Where?
-The other bish.

-But you can come.
-I'm booked for another hour.

-Marcia needs a trainer.
-What about our ride, girl?

But I got bills to pay, you know?

-I got to puke again.
-Here's your water.

-Go!
-Here!

Sorry to interrupt.

-I need your car.
-What, Mom?

Have I ever gotten you in trouble, Carlos?

I shouldn't have asked that.

You already lost your wife.
Will you miss your baby growing up too?

-I won't.
-Is this about Jonas?

He won't grow much more
with his pea-sized brain.

No, there's nothing pea-sized down there.

-Parts of him are very mature.
-C'mon, Kelly.

No, it's the other baby.

It's Alice, girls.

Alice is pregnant.

-I'm floored.
-What?

That's incredible. Congratulations.

It's incredible
considering their sex life.

Give the keys to Auntie.

Sorry, Auntie.
I can't hand the keys over to anyone.

So many have had their hands
all over you, Cézar.

I've always supported you.
Can't you help me out?

-Okay, Cézar. You'll make R$500.
-Here's the key.

Mercenary.

Keep that sh*t up. I just need my license.

I can't get in trouble
with the police again.

What do you mean "again"?

I used to date a cop.
His p*stol didn't work right.

I had to say it to his face.

-Then he put me in jail.
-Mom.

Let's go.

What about my money, Auntie?

-Help me out.
-Let me get out first, Mom.

-Give me your hand.
-Oh, Carlos…

-Let me help you.
-It's my osteoarthritis.

-Here, I'll call her.
-Call her.

-Come and get some fresh eggs.
-Hey.

C'mon, Mom.
That's not what we got the car for.

I'm trying to attract a rooster.

-Let me do it.
-Speak up.

Alice.

Alice, honey. I love you.

-You're the only one for me--
-Don't be so soft.

Just turn the music on.
Let me do all the talking.

Alice.

Alice, I wrote you a letter.

-"Alice, comma…"
-C'mon, Mom.

-"I was wrong."
-It was her.

"I thought I could keep my son
under my wing."

"Now I know my son belongs to the world."

"Sorry, Alice."

"To me, family always comes first."

"For better or worse, comma,

you're my family too."

Mom. That was beautiful.
You're owning up to your mistakes.

No, I'm not.

It hurt me to say that.
I want to meet my grandkid.

There's more. There she is.

-There she is.
-There's more.

"Alice, comma,

let's put our differences aside."

Yes, my love.

-"You're such a cow--"
-Are you crazy, Mom?

Sorry, I forgot to edit "cow" out.
Scratch that.

There she is.

Look who's back.
Everything's going to be all right.

-I'm so happy.
-Good heavens.

Now I can tell everyone I'm pregnant.

So glad you're back.

The best part is
that this is a woman of such integrity.

She only confirmed she was pregnant
after making up with Carlos, you know?

Men don't stay because of the baby.
Right, Fatima?

Did your father leave
because she was pregnant?

No. Because I'm g*y.

I wish Carlos was g*y.

If he were g*y,
we wouldn't have gotten married, right?

He wouldn't have met
the wonderful person you are, Alice.

This woman has no flaws.
She's perfect. Much love to you.

Are you praising my mom?

Things change, Marcia.

By the way, here you go.

I'm leaving your apartment.

Great. Now you can live there again.

-What about Kelly?
-I'll take this upstairs.

-Okay.
-Not sure about Kelly, but I'm exhausted.

-Cutie, I need some water.
-Hey.

Geez, how can I get some water?

I'm parched. Ouch.

Sorry, Mom. I was looking for some water.

Wanna sleep with the whole family?

No, I just came for the water.

-Dry mouth.
-You're drying me up.

Kelly, you've taught me everything I know.

-Really?
-You don't say, Jonas.

I spent your whole life teaching you,
and now this cow takes the credit?

-No need for that.
-Alice, be nice to your daughter-in-law.

Evolve, woman.

-People, God almighty…
-Just water.

I'm shaking. I'm shook.

Why?

They called from the shop.

There was sh*t stashed in the limo.

C'mon, I don't look that bad.

Auntie, I mean real drugs.

Hard drugs, the real deal.
The police are looking for it.

They already found it.
The cops just came in.

-Oh, Lord.
-Auntie…

-We're good people. It's my house.
-We're investigating.

-Come on.
-We're assessing the situation.

Hi.

Isadir, please?

-Here.
-This one.

-Me?
-I'll visit you in jail.

-Mom.
-Ma'am…

Your driver's license is a picture ID.

Despite the age, I recognized you.

I took that picture in 1972.

I'll bring you a cake on visit day.

Hold a grudge much? She's a Scorpio.

And I used to be a virgin.

Well…

How did you track the car here?

It's a modern car.
There must be a tracking device.

Someone reported the car
due to public disturbance.

Isadir was the tracking device.

-Do you have an attorney?
-Here's my lawyer, Alice.

I talked you up for the past ten minutes.
Help me out.

Let's settle this at the station.
There's half a ton of drugs in the car.

Come with me, ma'am.

If I'm the Goodies Grandma,
please tell me,

how much does half a ton of good stuff
translate into actual cash in the market?

-Please, Mom.
-Carlos.

I just wanted to know if I should invest
more in drugs or cryptocurrency.

-Let's go.
-No, wait.

Calm down, honey.
Let's settle it in a more playful way, eh?

Maybe with a baton…

-Listen up…
-Handcuffs.

Are you testing your luck?

I stick up for my mama.

She's your mother-in-law?

She could have been
because Carlos is damn hot.

-I'm Carlos.
-Auntie.

Enough. Everything you say
may be used against you. Let's go.

-We're done.
-Wait. It's my house.

Escort her out. Excuse us. Let's go.

Do something.

-Fatima.
-Oh, Isadir!

Firstly, I love you.
You're my best friend.

Love you too.

Secondly, I had sex
with your late husband Beto.

Isadir…

Cow!

-And I slept with Zé!
-Mom.

-You slept with my dad?
-She's right. We swapped.

Excuse me. Fatima said you were here.

Wow, that's a crowd.

Perfect. So everyone will hear it.

Isadir, the queen of my heart.

I love you!

I love you a little bit.

Since they're arresting me,

I'll put you down for conjugal visits.

Oh, Isadir…

I want to talk too.
Let me tell you all something.

-I've got to tell them, honey.
-Shut up.

Listen up, people.
Marinez is pregnant too.

Congratulations.

Speaking of that,
I'm taking parental leave with her.

Men also have the right
to spend time with their babies.

-Am I wrong?
-You're right!

-That's it.
-Let's go.

Wait. I have something else to say.

If you and Marinez are on parental leave,

who will look after Alice's baby?

I'm getting emotional
because I did it all, son.

I tried to be the best mom ever.

I worked my a*s off to buy you yogurt…

probiotic milk.

I worked my a*s off, son…

I missed out on the best part.
Watching you grow.

-I must go to her.
-Go…

Oh, Mommy…

You know I owe everything to you, right?

I know.

It's just that…

I'm all grown up now, Mom.

Not everywhere, son.

Mom…

By the way, congrats, Alice.
You don't care much for satisfaction.

Let's go, ma'am. Enough already.

Carlos's mother is being accused
of international drug trafficking.

Let my mom go. Let her go.

-My knee… Calm down.
-Carlos.

All these people outside…

Your son Carlos is a big TV executive.
What do you have to say?

This is shitty.

Still, there's a silver lining.

My son never got me on TV--

-You can't act, Mom.
-Quiet, Carlos.

This is my shot
at having 15 minutes of fame.

Are we live on the news?

Sending big hugs to the anchorpeople.

-Let's go.
-Kisses to Oprah. Love her show.

And David Letterman. Carlos!

-Isadir!
-Mom!

I love you, Isadir!
I'll be waiting for you.

Since I have you all here,

I have a message to the country.

You can all rot in hell.

Mom, I'll get you out!

-Carlos.
-They're taking my mom.

You're a lawyer. Get my mom out.

Excuse me, Potira.

Do they serve fat-free food in jail?

I have high cholesterol. Look.

Sit back.

I'm floored!

Mom, how did that happen?

If you put your little turkey in the…

That's too much.

-You okay?
-Yeah.