01x04 - Pacemaker Breaker

[bunniefuu]

A NETFLIX SERIES

-Carlos?
-Hi, Mom.

-Where's the lid?
-This one?

Does it fit?

This one.

-And this container?
-Thanks. Marinez, help Mom with her stuff.

Is this it? Does it fit?

Ever heard of LEGO?

Not yours. Give it back.

-I wanted a quick lunch.
-Leave it down there.

Yes, I should take the calendar.
You know why?

So I can remember the date
I was kicked out of this house.

Take the clock too, Isadir.

Why should I?

Well, it was about time you left.

Marinez, a calculator, please.

Why, boss?

To calculate your last paycheck.

Geez, that was rude.

-No need for that.
-Who do you think you are?

What's up, son? Good morning.

I'm taking the mug
my famous student gave me.

-Famous student?
-Soursop Girl.

No way! Soursop Girl was your student?

I like her songs.

-Are you familiar with her, Dad?
-Nope.

Pure poetry. Something like this.

Honey, don't be a sourpuss

Come and get your pussycat doll

Doll, doll, doll, doll, doll, doll, doll…

Just leave.

Doll, doll…

-Men used to call me "pussycat."
-She gives me the thrills.

She was great with rhymes.

One day, I asked
what rhymed with "heaven."

She cheered, "Evan, Evan, Evan,
I go with number seven."

-Honestly, Mom.
-Nope.

-Drink your coffee.
-I am drinking my coffee.

-I'll take their steak anyway.
-Do it.

Good morning, my love.

It's so good you're not staying for lunch.

We'll have steak to celebrate.

I don't like cows.
I see one and get itchy.

Why am I so itchy now?

Oh, my dear.

Oh, my love.

-Hélio, microwave.
-Morning, love.

-Yes, ma'am.
-Mom!

That's trash. It's so old.

Why get rid of old things?

I still matter, Carlos.

Old stuff that is trash…

Old people too?
Old people matter, you know.

Of course they do.

And Carlos pays 3,000 reais a month
for your health insurance.

Where's the steak now?

Marinez!

Look at your state now.
I told you to go see a cardiologist.

Just use your health plan.

-Funny, eh?
-What?

You bought that pricey stationary bike

just to hang your clothes on it.

Feeling better already?

Mom, go see your doctor.
Make use of my money.

Carlos, I don't want any of your money.

-Wait, you don't?
-Keep all your cash.

-You don't? Okay.
-Here's the receipt, ma'am.

Okay.

Carlos, hand me your card.

What? You just told me to keep my cash.

And I asked for a card.

Got the PIN?

The day I forget my own birthday,

send me to a nuthouse in a straitjacket.

Okay?

Just because I'm old,
he thinks my memory is failing me?

Oh my God.

Big Carlos, what year?

Why "Big Carlos" now?

My birth year?

Picture this, Marinez.

How great would it be

to have a pool like this one

and spend some nice time
with your chick on the weekend?

-Right?
-You just have to really wish for it.

But how could I afford it, Marinez?

You can't afford the pool,
but you can afford the chick.

Didn't I tell you
to stop being naughty here at home?

That's exactly why we came outdoors.

Why take a swimsuit?
You'll be living far from the beach.

I can lie in the sun
at the abandoned construction site.

All right?

What is it, Isadir?

I felt this…

This sharp pain in my chest.

It's nothing.

Hi, Fatima.

Could you find herbs to make me some tea?
I'm worried.

No, my heart.

Fatima.

No, Fatima, my heart sounds like a rave.

It's at 150 BPM.

And I didn't pay for the health plan.

What's that about a plan?

For a funeral home plan, Fatima.

They want me dead.
I should make arrangements.

Kisses, dear.

Yeah. Mom, I was thinking…

Carlos, don't think.
sh*t happens when you think.

Thought of leaving home? sh*t.

Thought of getting married?
Chose Alice. sh*t.

The upside of it was my grandchildren.

Mom, I'm about to buy a house nearby.

We'll see each other often.

No need, honey.

From now on, I'll be Roberto Carlos.

-What?
-Once a year only.

-What's with all the drama?
-Anything else, ma'am?

Yes, appreciation.

I gave my all for you.
I was howling at the maternity ward.

Cezinha, you only came for the food?

Negative, dear.

-I came for the Wi-Fi too. Mine's down.
-But I think mine is down too.

I changed the password.
It's IsaHotStuff2022. There.

-Wasn't the door locked?
-It was.

I got a copy of your key.
The spare is under the doormat.

I always lose my keys.
That way I can come in.

-No problem.
-What's all that, Isadir?

I'm a minimalist, Fatima.
I brought a few things.

Let me replace your ugly tablecloth.

I also brought my Karma Sutra book.

It's Kama Sutra.

No, Karma Sutra.
It must be karma if I can't get laid.

When Flavinho and I fight,

where will I go
if this lady moves into my room?

Don't "lady" me. Respect your godmother.

This lady here
will sleep next to your mom.

Your bed is too hard,
and it triggers my hernia.

All right, Isadir. Is that all?

-There isn't much room here.
-Watch out.

Excuse me.

-Hélio, do me a favor.
-Yes?

Place the dresser against that wall.

-What about my plant?
-Outside.

Snake plants stay outside
to protect us from bad vibes.

He's taking my plant.

-Let it go. I learned that from Frozen.
-Oh my God.

We need to touch up a few things here.

This house is a bit…

Looking at your gray roots,

you need some touch-up too.

Spare me, you, and all of us, dear.

I've got to bring Flavinho his meal.

I hope he's hungry tonight.

-Hi, cutie.
-C'mon, Cezinha.

I'll hire him too. I like him, Auntie.

-I'm in.
-Let's go.

Hélio is always hungry.

-Isadir.
-Reminds me of myself.

-Yes?
-For the love of God, take it easy.

Got my message?

A seven-minute audio clip
isn't a message, but a podcast.

Did you answer, woman?

No, I just replied "LOL."

"LOL" is a nice way to say
we're not in the mood to talk.

You're so rude. Seriously rude.
So ignorant. For the love of God.

Girl, I wanted to check in on you
because of your heart.

I guess I was just worried.
I'm all better now.

Listen, Fatima, to tell you the truth,

I was never afraid
of living alone, you know?

As for dying alone,
I crap myself at the thought of it.

-Will you die with me?
-Get off me, Isadir.

Die with you? And leave my child alone?

What child, Fatima?
Cezinha was all over that mover.

C'mon, Fatima.

How about Alessandra and Beto?

You named the plant after
your dead husband because it's buried?

-No, because it's flimsy.
-Oh, okay.

Mommy's little plant. Time for a shower.

Funny how I don't remember Beto
ever being flimsy with me.

-Because you never slept with him.
-We didn't sleep.

-What?
-Who?

-What's that?
-Who said what?

When you talk like that,
it means you're lying.

-Are you lying, Isadir?
-You know what, Fatima?

I just remembered something.

Look at the yummy steak I got.

-What for?
-Let's grill it.

It's from a cow. Not a real one. Alice.

That steak is too thick for my grill.

Come uptown with me. I forgot my pills.

Your mom can take care of herself.

No one will eavesdrop on us anymore.

Yeah, you're right.

I found a better place for me.

I'm staying with Fatima.

It's like my personal resort.

It's kind of a western resort.

I want time with my family.

The three of them are everything to me.

You mean plug, cable, and phone?

Hey. Enough arguing.

-Let's do Christmas together.
-Christmas, Carlos?

This Christmas

I want nothing to do
with your family, okay?

-Great.
-I'll be at Simone's.

-Awesome. Who's Simone?
-Simone?

So this is Christmas

I

will not spend Christmas in this house.

Well, I will.

Save me some Christmas cookies.
About two or ten.

All right.

I'll save you some cookies. Don't worry.

Listen, Mom. Could we try to be happy?

I was at my happiest
when you dated Kelly Vitória.

Our neighbor back home.
At least she's the loving kind.

She gets it on
three or four times every day.

-I hear her. You? Every 15 days.
-Stop it.

Yes, I'll stop, Carlos.

-C'mon.
-I'm done with this house.

-Tired of all the things--
-Don't work yourself up.

-Don't--
-Easy, Isadir.

Mom!

-Mom! Mommy!
-My God.

My God! What is it? Isadir!

-You must stay.
-Don't want to.

-Why not?
-Look at her face.

-Food must be terrible here.
-What?

-Look at that, Carlos.
-What?

Those scrubs are filthier
than Fatima's dish towels.

Wait, my phone is ringing. It's Alice.

-Be right back.
-Tell me, Isadir.

-What do I do with this?
-Lord! You brought it?

I brought your bag. It was in it.

Sir, excuse me.

-Yes.
-Can I keep my steak in your cooler?

Ma'am, this is for a kidney
that just arrived for transplant.

Steaks are more expensive than a kidney.

-If you'll excuse me.
-Sir.

I'm taking a seedling.

Did you notice it, Isadir?
This place looks like a hotel.

Imagine the bill.

-What bill?
-Bill?

-Insurance pays it.
-Yes.

I'll check what's going on. Need anything?

I need you to stay with Mommy, Carlos!

-I got to check, Mom.
-Fatima will do it, right?

-I don't have the PIN.
-It's my birthday.

-I don't remember.
-Cow!

-What?
-What's that?

My birthday is around the corner.

-No, it's only on April 3.
-Thank God.

What?

Let's thank God
you'll be divorced by then.

Let me go check.

-No, Carlos!
-What is it, Mom?

What is it? My mom is unwell.

-Just cover Mommy's feet.
-Okay, I'll do it.

-I'll cover your feet.
-I get so very afraid.

Such hairy legs.

-Buy me a laser device?
-Yes.

-I'll cover you.
-Let me be smooth.

-Are you okay? Wait.
-Great. Thank God.

-Wait a second.
-You got a text.

Oh, Mom, it's Alice.

So nice. She's worried about you.
She wants to know if it's serious.

Wanna message her?

-I do.
-Tell her yourself.

-Hi, Alice.
-There.

I'm very weak, but I have enough strength
to send you this message.

-Go straight to hell, cow!
-Mom, stop.

We're at a hospital.

She sent me a good morning GIF.

No. Water.

-What is it, Mom?
-Water, please.

-I'll get some water.
-Close call, Isadir.

How much will it be?

It's bad, you know?

No, don't worry. Stay calm.
We love you. Love is forgiving.

About forgiveness, Fatima.

I'll tell you a secret
about your late husband.

-Are you Isadir?
-Hi.

-How are you?
-Well, I'm at the hospital.

-Shall we?
-What's that about my Beto?

If I'm not back, ask Dalva.

-Why?
-She's a medium, Fatima.

I don't like
this cheesy outfit you got me.

-C'mon, Mom.
-Look.

I don't like it.

Look who's back.

-Okay, let me try it.
-Wait.

-There, Mommy…
-Ouch, Carlos.

-Sorry.
-For God's sake. My hernia, man.

Wow, she looks horrible.
I'll try a filter.

No filter. I got a pacemaker now.

I don't need the chair and the bear.
Go to hell.

Well, at least the surgery was a success.

For whom? For you?

They stitched me up like Fatima's pillow.

Oh, my dear,
a pacemaker is a tiny piece of metal.

Good idea. Fatima, get my fridge magnet.

I'll put it on my chest.

Get the one with the pharmacy number
to speed things up.

Marinez, please cook something yummy
for my mommy's tummy.

Oh, here's the steak.

Alice, look at the steak we couldn't find.

-See?
-How did that happen?

Fatima, you stole the steak?

It's her thing now.
That's from the hospital.

Look, boss,
I'd love to cook Isadir a meal.

I just can't.

-Why is that?
-I've clocked out. You pay overtime?

Marinez already promised
she'll work me overtime tonight.

That's it.

Good for her.

-Come.
-The kids are home.

-Grandma is all right.
-For God's sake…

Okay, hold on to us now.

All good, love.

Dad, can you wait one more day
before telling my school?

It was my excuse not to show up.

-Carlos.
-What did the doctor recommend?

The doctor said I need
a king-size bed two meters long

and a physical therapist two meters tall.

-I know a guy. I'll give you his info.
-Sure.

Girls, we need to talk. C'mon.

Carlos, stop your preaching, okay?

After this near-death experience,
I've changed.

I realized we must use our coochie
while we're still alive.

I'll go take a bath. Help your grandma.

There we go.

I'll take my Epsom salt bath
because it's good for…

-Healing wounds.
-Thanks.

Where will you take a bath,
if you don't mind my asking?

It's an Epsom salt bath.
It will be in your hot tub.

-Ours?
-Yes, sir.

-Carlos.
-Fatima, bathe me.

Me? Why me?

-You won't be scared of my coochie.
-Why is that?

It's just as old and ugly as yours.

That was a good one.

-Thanks.
-Wow.

-Keep it up.
-She's fine.

-There we go again. Right, Carlos?
-There we go again.

-There we go.
-Mom's staying!

-Fatima, roll me out of here.
-I will.

-Push me.
-Oh, Isadir.

-What was the total?
-It was so cheap.

It would be enough to cover
all my floors in fancy tiles.

So what will you do?

Don't worry.
The rich pay it all on credit.

That way, they get miles
to travel to Cancun. Come.

-Bath time?
-Come bathe with me.

-Let's do it.
-Fatima, go slow.

I don't like rinsing my urethra.

-What?
-What?

Let's see. Mom, I'm ordering food.
Any requests?

Not sure, Carlos.
There are so many options.

I get so excited, my heart is racing.
Better make rice.

Yeah, I don't know.

-No requests.
-No.

-Here I am.
-Here she is.

So, Auntie, how are you feeling?

-Better.
-Hi, Charlotte.

C'mon, Cezinha. Respect Carlos.

-"Charlotte"?
-I'm just kidding.

It was his nickname when we were young
and Carlos was hitting puberty.

Remember playing hide-and-seek, Carlos?

Everyone thought he'd turn out g*y.

-Super q*eer.
-Really?

I'm telling you, Auntie.

I'm laughing because so did I.

Liar.

Yes, I did, but it went wrong
and he turned out straight.

-Sure, Mom.
-And married Alice.

Mommy, you're such a special,
wonderful mother.

You're convalescing, so I'll order
from a fancy Italian restaurant.

-What would you like?
-Fancy? Spaghetti and meatballs.

Are you going to order
cheap pasta from a fancy place?

-Yeah.
-Let me look at the menu.

-Take a look and see what you like.
-I'll take a look.

Love, I'll order Italian. Want anything?

It's perfect for her. "Pasta-tute."

Mom.

That's the sauce's name.

Would you… You're already eating.

No, this is just a snack.
I want what she's having.

-Okay.
-Three tasty Italians.

Big portions.

I got a warning about my card.
It's over the limit.

-Instant noodles it is, then.
-What?

I insist on a fancy dinner.
Let me figure it out.

-Carlos, spend time with Mommy.
-Let me call the bank.

-After you got married…
-Mom, give it back.

-My pacemaker.
-Mom, stop.

Good afternoon.

Welcome to today's episode.

Today I'll teach you a very simple recipe

for peach palm pasta

and shrimp with French sauce.

Did I really take two buses to come uptown

and eat this thing?

-Carlos.
-Yes, love.

What's up with the card?

I tried to make a purchase,
and my card is blocked.

I don't…

-What is it?
-Mom? You okay?

I'm fine.
It was the corn in the Cup Noodles.

Listen. We should pay attention
to this cooking show.

Watching cooking shows is great.

What's the point? You eat instant noodles.

It's not about the food,
but the cook, okay?

One look at him
and I'm also ready to go in an instant.

Isadir, do they sell
peach palm at the corner market?

Woman, you should know better.

Cooking shows are like porn.

Simply mouthwatering.

Honestly, this cook wouldn't come close
to my peach palm with a ten-foot fork.

Hold my hand, my love.

I love it when we're all together.
No fighting. This is perfect.

-How lovely.
-Your mom is healing.

She won't start anything soon.
Wait, is that my robe?

I'm borrowing it, Alice.
I had to wear something.

-Carlos.
-Guys, excuse me.

-Dad, someone must have cloned your card.
-No way.

My Renner card never got cloned.

Of course. The limit is only 200 reais.

Tell me what's going on?

-Dad, it's not just Marcia's card.
-What do you mean?

I was buying a Nintendo Switch.
Mine is blocked too.

You're too old for Nintendo.
You should find yourself a sweetie, Jonas.

I was going to buy sweet lingerie.
Purchase denied. Party is over.

C'mon, Marcia.

You got a big house.
Bring him over. There's lots of room.

Come here, Jonas.

I noticed the sweatband on your wrist.
I know what you're up to.

You're masturbating too much.

Don't worry, Grams. I use both hands.

Wait. "Consultation."

"Pacemaker implant. Cooler."

I can't believe it.

Isadir, they charged you for the cooler.

Who used my card at the hospital? Huh?

Who used my card at the hospital?

Tell me, Mom.

Fatima. She paid the bill.

-It's Isadir's bill.
-You got a health plan.

Forget about the plan.
Nothing in my life is planned.

You're no exception, Carlos.
I was in between IUDs.

Mommy, why didn't you pay
for the health plan?

I have my needs, Carlos.

I need a boob job.

Mom, a boob job is not a priority.

At my age,
you must perk up to look healthy.

Your health is no joke.

The government jokes about our health.

Darling, we're rich,
but our money doesn't grow on trees.

-Exactly.
-Funny, because he married a snake.

Yeah, it's empty.

It was just a prank.
You've been punked, lady.

Too bad you're leaving soon,
right, Isadir?

-No, love.
-Oh, I'm…

Mommy. She can't leave now.
She's still fragile.

Yes, she can.

She must stay for a few days. Look at her.

-Are you okay, Mom?
-No, I'm not.

Love, she's not well.

I'm not well, but don't worry, Alice.

I'll pay back every single cent.

Great. It's 22,552 and three cents.

Not counting the anesthesia.
How about that, Isadir?

Pray I don't get ill again.

I'll take their steak anyway.

No, I got ahead of myself.

-What's up, Grams?
-Sorry, child.

How's everybody?

Did you all have lunch?

They had their lunch.

-Pick her up. She's heavy.
-Do it, Fatima!

My God!

g*dd*mn it.

I can't.

My vag*na is exposed, g*dd*mn it!

So is my crack, g*dd*mn it.

I tried to protect you!