08x09 - Morty Daddy

[bunniefuu]

I gotta ask,
is someone requesting pancakes

because it feels
like we eat them all the time.

[ Cellphone buzzing ]

It just says,
"The hospital."

Bold caller I.D.

Hello? Oh.
H-Hey, Junior.

Oh, geez.

Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah. Bye.

That was my son...

Morty Jr.,
with the hands,

you know,
coming out of his head.

Oh fuuuuuuck
that guy!

Ugh. Boo.

Guys! Come on!
Morty.

He wrote a "New York Times"
bestseller

about what a bad dad you are.

It made us look bad
for raising you.

From one writer to another,
the guy is a hack piece of sh*t.

It's okay to hate
your kids, Morty.

But he called
from the hospital.

[ Gasps ]
You think he's dying?

Who cares?

[ Cellphone buzzing ]

Well, it's not me.

[ Burps ] Oh, sh*t.
Our table's ready.

OMG!

Summer made me get
a reservation for us

at some dumb
Pre-Cog restaurant.

It's the toast of Food-Tok.

They predetermine what
you'd want to eat

before you even get there.

Time to see if this place is
worth having to go to it.

It'll beat this sh*t.
[ Glass shatters ]

Opa!
[ Glass shatters ]

Hey, Morty. Sorry about
your terrible son.

I say let him die alone
in that hospital bed.

[ Buzzing ]

Damn. Rule of threes, huh?

Oh!
My vibrator.

Sorry, honey.

Our vibrator.

What, do you want me to pull it
out and show it to you?

We're good.
Let's get the hell
out of here.

Jesus Christ.

♪

Welcome back to "Downbeat:
The Game The Show."

Contestants, you know the rules.

Father, you came.

Junior.
Wow, you got old fast.

Well, time flies
when you're a Gazorpian.

I suppose
you read the book.

It was hard to avoid
for a while.

Yeah, you said
some tough stuff

to a pretty wide audience.

I'm... sorry.

Hey, that's family,
I guess.

Can't help but notice
you're... dying?

[ Chuckles ]
I didn't ask you here

to talk about that.

I was hoping you'd help me
make peace with my mother.

Ohh... yeah.
That might be tough.

Um, the thing is,
your mother was...

A semen receptacle?

Oh. You, uh,
you heard. Huh?

I know she was made
to process seed

and never technically alive,

but I'd still like
to pay my respects.

Well, see, I'm not proud
of where she ended up.

You think I'm proud
of any of my life choices?

Yeah, I did hear
about the, uh,

the soft canceling.

Oh.

I didn't take any joy
from it.

You know what? Let's--
Let's see what we can do.

Summer: I love when
restaurants have a big tank.

I don't know, this aesthetic

really clashes
with the table buzzer.

Smith, party of two.

Oh, my God.
So worth it.

Perfectly predicted.

Oh, I did want this,
but I never saw it coming.

Oh, snap,
the wooden ba*ls.

You think the cogs are
behind there?

Who cares?
This place is all gimmick.

Are you grumpy
about everything?

They bring you food
and you eat it.

Ooh, that's totally us.

What do you think I ordered,
ribs? No, boring.

Space ribs.

Oh, nice.
Morlackian fawn.

Aside its mother's
tentacle.

Mm. Pretty good.

See? Lay it on me.

Avocado toast?

With cracked pepper on top.

O...kay.

I mean,
pepper's pretty normal.

So are you. You brought us to
a restaurant from the Internet.

[ Whirs, beeps ]

Ew. Okay.

Yes, I guess
I deserve this.

You're not pranking me?

No, no, this is where
Gwendolyn was laid to rest.

Is this
your trash bin?

Rick's...
gar-bage por-tal.

Uh, it doesn't
sound any better.

Look, I told you I wasn't
proud of this.

Alright then.

[ Clears throat ]
"Mother,

I'm told your mouth
was always open.

But I'm sure your
heart was as well."

Ah, who am I kidding?
This sucks.

Wait. I-I see you're
making a move to go in.

I will go in first.
Okay?

Morty Jr.: Whoa!

How much stuff does
your grandfather throw away?

A lot.

He likes to get drunk
and invent stuff

that doesn't make any sense.

Pretty wasteful.

Yeah, that's why Rick
built Salva-tron--

a self-replicating system

that filters the trash
for anything valuable.

Oh, they're coming over.
Just a formality.

Salva-tron: Value detected.
Value detected.

[ Clears throat ]
Uh... hmm.

Uh, hesitancy detected?

Yeah. What's up?

Uh, it's just
if I find anything of value,

I have to tell Rick
about it.

Okay.

And, you know, talking
to Rick can be dicey.

I mean, the last Salva-tron
found a bag of diamonds,

and Rick yelled at them
about how diamonds are bullshit.

Right.
But I'm his grandson.

How do I know he didn't throw
his grandson away?

Sorry, pal,
but I can't risk it.

Good news is, you will
look like trash when I'm done.

Run!

How was that
good news?!

[ Gasps ]
Mmm-mmm.

Even the plate
tastes good.

What's the story
with dessert?

Can I just ask
for lava cake?

Or do I have to think it
at them?

Alright, I'll try it.

Maybe
I'm missing something.

No! It's just f*cking
avocado toast!

And the avocado's
not even that ripe.

Summer, this place runs
on future-predicty

pre-cog bullshit.

You don't want to get
caught up in that.

I'm gonna say something.
No! Summer!

You're not Morty.
I can't just grab you.

Which one of you assholes--

Did this to me?

Hey, no finishing
my sentences.

You're wrong about me.

I want hype,
sophisticated space food

with an element of cruelty
in its preparation.

Come on, Sum-Sum,
they're clearly luring us

into some complicated,


of determinism and causality.

Anything you do here pulls us
further into their bullshit.

I'm--
Pre-Cogs:
More complex than that.

I said stop that!

Ohh! You guys think
you know everything

with your big heads
and slimming bodysuits,

but maybe
you won't see this!

Ow! f*ck!

Jesus, Summer!
You hit it with a pan?

I thought it would see
it coming.

I even teed it up a little.

Officer: Summer Smith,
come out with your hands up.

You are under arrest.

How'd the cops get
here so fast?
They obviously--

Pre-Cogs: Called in a tip
ahead of time.

Ohh! You like that?

You like us saying
the same thing at the same time?

'Cause that could be
the whole story, Summer.

Except it won't, because--

Pre-Cogs:
The cops are surrounding us.

Shut up!
We're stuck in this now.

The only reason I haven't
burned this place to the ground

is because the cogs
probably want that.

Rick Sanchez will realize
the cogs are a better hang.

What?
That would only be true if--

The cogs only want
what he wants.

Okay. What do I want?
Dessert!

It is already ordered.

Pre-Cog 2:
To a cool safehouse.

I'm listening.

You're flipping sides
over dessert?

Hey, I like my meal.

But this is exactly
what you said they'd do to me.

Yeah. And you got us
into this mess.

New plan, Summer, we're taking
these cogs to go.

[ Both screaming ]

Come back!

Maybe I just need
to scan you again.

[ Both screaming ]

Guys? Hello?

I see a bunch of rubble.

Is it safe to say I k*lled you?

Salva-tron,
you've done it again.

[ Grunts ] Ah! Junior!

Oh, God.
Are you okay?

I hope I didn't speed
up your death.

I'm alright... I-I think.
Is that

a walking pizza box?

It's not safe here.
Come quickly.

We call it Garbtopia
because it's made of garbage.

Yeah, I got it.

So Salva-tron's just been
attacking everything?

If it's all garbage,
there's no need to tell Rick.

Morty Jr.: Look at all
these eclectic survivors.

Morty:
Yeah, there was a while

where Rick's inventions
could all walk and talk.

Hey, big boy.
Wanna drain that python?

Ehh, it was a short period.

Hey, uh,
we're looking for someone.

Can you help us?

I think I saw her
in the graveyard.

[ Farts ]

Down that tunnel
over there.

Oh, and the pizza
points the way.

Wish you hadn't sh*t it
on the ground.

I'm kind of hungry.
Junior?

Gobliniduss,
claim your magic power!

But how do I find it?

♪ Brave little goblin,
all alone ♪

♪ No parents here to raise you ♪

♪ Go, little goblin,
leave that home ♪

♪ Your magic will amaze you ♪

It's the enchanted
Goblin series.

Yeah, it's like our Bible
down here.

I wrote "Enchanted Goblin."

All seven books.

I guess you really enjoyed
that box set I sent you.

We have a complicated
relationship!

No, no,

my first book wouldn't exactly
have left you aching for more.

That's all
in the past, son.

I'm glad we're on this
adventure together.

Now, what do you say
we go see your dead mom?

Summer Smith, 2:00.

She complains about
you having a good time.

Don't get in the water.

I need a dry person
to hand me things.

We've been here
for hours.

By design,
it's called holing up.

Relax.

Have some of the giant eclair
they knew would delight me.

It really is so fun
that it's big.

Summer Smith
will not relax.

Yeah, because Rick's hanging
with you guys instead of me.

Summer, you threw a pan at
them and they took us to a pool.

The cogs are great.

Check this out.

See this?
We didn't rehearse it at all.

So much for being trapped
in its cog bullshit.

Weren't you all worried
about its end game?

Summer, this is its endgame.
It loves me.

And if it wanted to be free,

it could leave at any time
it wants.

Open-door policy.

Gasp!
Oh, come on.

Like you didn't know
I'd do that.

Why are you sulking?

You wanted to be
at a restaurant with cogs.

This is nominally different
at best.

I wanted to be
at a restaurant with you.

I just wanted you to try
some cool sh*t with me.

Summer, you wanted me
on this dumb hang

because deep down,
you think you know what I want.

This thing actually knows
before I even want it.

Mmm. Wow.
Eclair's good wet, too.

Pre-Cogs:
Rick does Jell-O shots.

Rick does Jell-O shots.

These cogs know what's up.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Man: Jell-O shot delivery.

Can you grab 'em, Summer?

This is why it's good
to have someone out of the pool.

I--
Pre-Cogs:
Hate these cog assholes.

[ Laughing ]
I love you guys.

All: Shots, shots, shots!

My God.

Yeah, I guess
one man's trash

is another man's
beautiful cemetery?

Looks like there's
a sex-robot section

over that way.

There she is.

Hello, Mother.

It's me, your baby boy.

I wish
I could have known you.

She was the finest
I ever had.

Well, top three.
Top five, at least.

Oh, top five, eh?

There's a lot more
than five, too.

It's high praise.

Your mom could really
throw it back.

Oh, I know a thing
or two about ranking

whom I've slept with.

Oh, yeah?

Two words--
Heather Locklear.

That's my boy.

Thank you for bringing
me here... Dad.

You're welcome, son.
I'm happy we did this.

So... are... we!

God!
Who are you?!

L-Let us go!

I am that which
should not be.

I am the trash of the trash.

They don't let me live
with everyone else.

Human boy.
Rick spawn.

I know you can open
the door to the up-above.

Salva-tron will
k*ll us up there!

I'll take my chances.

I'm sorry, Junior.

I was
a horrible father.

I didn't understand
the consequences of anything.

And now this thing's
gonna k*ll us

when you were
already dying.

I'm the f*cking worst.

Well, I'm-- I'm not
actually dying.

What?
You just sort of
inferred.

Projected, really. I never said
out loud I was dying.

What?!

I needed material
for my new book.

A sequel
to "My Horrible Father."

It's my only book
that made money.

Let me punch him!
Let me punch my as*h*le son!

You're both assholes.

That conversation you just had
about ranking women was gross.

It was trash planet talk.

So is this!
Oh!

Ugh.
No! Junior!

Junior!!

Just another day
in Garbtopia.

Let's ride.
No!

You suck!
My kid sucked, too,

but I didn't want him
to die.

Shut up!

Open it with
your meat paddle!
No!

[ Beeping, buzzes ]

Rick: Looks like we got
a Scenario 3 here, Morty.

You're clearly leading
some kind of trash rebellion

or something is wearing
your skin.

I don't know, I only recorded
three scenarios,

and the other two are
about you doing a Goonies.

Anyway, talk to Salva-tron.
They'll sort this out.

No, not Salva-tron!

Rick, it's not
a Scenario 3!

No! Make that
ladder come down!

I'm trying! I don't
want to be here either!

Aw, man, you're still alive?!

And what's this f*cking thing?

This is not good for me.

Oh!

I have to get back...

to my wife.

[ Powering down ]

Ah, sh*t.

Crawl out farther
so I can sh**t you.

Why would I do that?
Ugh!

Fine.
I'll do it myself.

Seriously?

This trash is not sturdy.

Alright. I'm actually gonna go
check this time.

There's tunnels down here?!
Ah, geez.

Yoo-hoo!

[ Wolf-whistles ]

Talk about value detected.

Aah!

[ Drones screaming ]

She had more value
than you could ever know.

Junior! You're alive?!

Courtesy of my
loyal fans here.

These autograph hounds found
me dying in the cemetery,

patched me up
and tunneled us to you.

You really found
your audience, huh?

I'm sorry for trying
to sell you out again.

The only thing that ever made
me valuable was...

trashing you.

I'm so broke, Dad.

There are so many
paternity lawsuits.

Let's just say "The New Yorker"
has been sniffing around.

Listen, Salva-tron
knows about the tunnels.

We got to warn everyone.
Also, can you sign this now?

[ Groans ]
What the...

Hello?
[ Burps ] Summer?

I think the cogs drugged me
and bailed.

Summer?!

[ Truck horn blares ]
Aah!

Summer Smith drugs the cogs!
Summer Smith drugs the cogs!

Picked up on that, huh?

Like you didn't know
this was coming?

[ Tires screech, cogs scream ]

Summer Smith gets us k*lled.

That's right.
Or the cogs tell the truth.

Is avocado toast
what I wanted?

What?

Is avocado toast
what I wanted?

Okay, okay. It wasn't.

And I'm a good hang.

You are. You were right.
We used you

to get to your grandpa
to get to you.

Damn right.

I knew I wasn't a basic
avocado-a*s b*tch,

so let's just get to
where you want to get

so I can be free
of this story.

We're down.
[ Truck horn honking ]

Oh, sh*t.
Give me back my cogs!

Sorry, Grandpa!

You said not to get caught up
in cog bullshit.

So I'm doing the opposite
of that.

This isn't the opposite
of that.

Summer Smith makes
a hard right in two seconds.

But that's a billboard.

She makes a hard right.

I'm trusting you guys!

Holy sh*t.
You guys are amazing.

[ Thud ]
You don't deserve
my bald little beauties.

She does a barrel roll.

[ Screaming ]

You're ruining this,
Summer!

All that future-predicty
cog nonsense

was finally working
for me.

Aah!

I thought you wanted
to hang out today.

Not like this!

She pulls
the parking brake.

[ Rick screaming ]

Left. Right.
Right. Left.

She runs her grandpa
off the freeway!

Uh! Aah!

Trash people. My people.

Salva-tron knows of Garbtopia.
No!

Our only chance is
to take this battle to them!

Uh, if I may.

It would be suicide to take
a run at Salva-tron's tower.

I agree.

Don't listen to him.

That's just
Devil's Advocate bot.

I'm glad Rick
trashed him.

Uh, if I may.
You don't look glad.

[ All murmuring in agreement ]

[ Horn blowing ]

Damn, what a noise.

[ Horn blows ]

The Horn of Gobliniduss
is a reminder

that anything is possible.

It was blown
before they toppled

Gobnobb the Elf Son
in book two.

And Bluegalshmoo
in book three.

Also the White Wizard
in book four.

Alright, I get it.
I went to the same well a lot.

You read
"Enchanted Goblin"?

Yeah, I loved it.

I'm 14.
I'm the target audience.

Salva-tron's
at the gates!

♪

Salva-tron: Value not detected.

Pow!
Right in the pisser.

I fell for a urinal b*mb?!

That's so embarrassing!

Morty, my life was great
until you showed up!

[ Growls ]

Eat sh*t in Hell, tower!

Watch out!

♪

My people!
Topple your oppressor!

[ All yelling ]

Salva-tron: Don't...
tell Rick... about this.

[ Powering down ]

Poor Salva-tron.
They were just like us,

afraid of being discarded.

But today we begin a new era,

where everyone has value,
especially authors.

I'm still a little trash.

I guess you get it
from your dad.

[ Chuckling ]
[ Laughs ]

[ All screaming ]

Right on time.
This food truck is very busy.

Yeah, there's even

that staggering old man
they mentioned.

Jesus.
Wow.

You put us through all that
just to help a burnt-out

restaurant staff
start a food truck?

Basic.

She is more complex
than that.

Damn. Great dog.

That's better
than avocado toast?

You don't get nuance.

You sure you cogs don't
want to keep hanging out?

Was it ever real?

Rick Sanchez doesn't
want to hear the answer to that.

But if he did?

Morty: Ow.
Ooh. Ow.

[ Sighs ]
I tried the portal again.

No dice.

Rick really hates
"The Goonies."

I think we're going to like
it in Garbtopia.

In fact,
I've taken a trash wife.

You've taken her?

We gave ourselves
to each other.

I'd stay down here even
if there was a way out.

They won't be able
to make you

pay child support
down here, huh?

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, Dad.

Look at the two of us,
spending time together.

Yeah. This is nice.

Is that a food truck?

We're already gentrifying.

Rick! Rick!
Rick, get me out of here!

Oh, God!

Don't worry.
Our son won't be like him.

It's nothing personal.
I'm only 14.

I gotta get out of here.

That was the last time
I saw my father.

Once more,
my mother's voice came to me,

carried on the wind.

"Be free, my son."

And somehow I did feel free.

My father was horrible
and my mother was garbage.

But I knew myself now.

And somehow, that was enough.

Jerry: Told you.
That little sh*t.

I can't believe he got a book
deal on Rick's trash moon.

Come on, we're boarding.
You guys still read books?

♪

Order 53, hot cog,
Chicago style.

Uh, if I may,

I know there's
zero substitutions,

but I would never want
onions in my hot dog.

Yes, you do.

Uh, if I may, I do not.

You die of a massive coronary
at the age of 43.

Uh, if-- if--

if I may.

Boss wants to see you.

Is that a prediction or...?

Just go talk to him,
Steve.

Man: Did you get any of that?