08x03 - The Rick, The Mort & The Ugly

[bunniefuu]

[ Clanging ]

♪

[ Electricity crackles ]

[ Metal clanging ]

[ Yawns ]

Calm down, Morty,

I'm almost done
collecting Citadel wreckage.

I am calm.

Your fidget spinning has
a passive aggressiveness to it.

I can be calm and bored.

Y-You're a million years late
on that thing anyways.

Didn't the Egyptians
invent those?

Fashion's cyclical, babe.
I'm retro.

Ah!
Ah, f*ck!

sh*t! H-Hang on, we got to
find a place to land.

Whoa,
there's people living here?

Are they refugees?

Clones. Bio-trash.

I-I thought everyone got sucked
back to their reality of origin.

That happened, right?
Exactly.

The Citadel was basically
a factory farm for spare bodies.

That portal reset sucked
'em all back.

Oh.

W-We don't want
to stop here.

This is the, uh,
Morty part of town,

if you know what
I'm saying.

Let's touch down
over there.

Alright, Morty,
grab the sealant.

I'll make this quick.

Damn, this is nice corn.

Thank you.

Whoa! Alright.

Uh, take it easy,
old-timer.

I've heard about loners
like this, Morty.

What are you doing
on my land?

Trying to leave it
as quickly as possible.

Leave faster.
Jesus.

I was fixing it
when you c*ck the g*n.

See? Done.

f*ck' hillbilly.
What's that guy's deal?

Morty, I can't imagine anything
worse than having to know.

[ Snorting ]

[ Sneezes ]

[ Beeping, whirring ]

♪ My whole Saturday
and Sunday, too ♪

♪ I was thinking
about ways not to lose ♪

♪ I lay down my weapons
is what I've done ♪

♪ Too late to hide,
feet too soft to run ♪

♪ But people say
I'm the luckiest man ♪

We're closed.

G-g-get the f*ck
out of here.

Sorry he says
that every time you come in.

Mm-hmm.

Widgets,
gidgets, fertilizer.

Hey, hey, Doc,

did we, uh, salvage
any more of those processors?

Doc: We-- we did.

But they're
on a pretty high shelf.

Which I...
uh, will reach.

[ Groans ]

Come on.

[ Groans ]

Mortys, huh?

You're the worst.

Aaah!

Oh.

[ Ship whirring ]

[ Horn honking ]

Riiiiiicks!

Get over here!
Aah!

Got one!

It's the jackpot, boys!

Time to round up some stock!

Gotcha! [ Laughs ]

I got you. That's right!

[ All shouting ]

Aaah!

Boss, look what we got.

Are-- are you one of us?
Did we have an overalls guy?

Just tryin' to leave
with my stuff.

Wait, you live
around here?

We don't need to get
acquainted. Aah!

Got that right,
m*therf*cker!

[ Groans ]

[ All shouting ]
Yeah! We got no code!

Yeah!

Burn it all down, boys!

[ Laughs ]

[ expl*si*n ]

[ Horn honking ]

[ All shouting ]

You crack that
gene-lock yet?

Boss is getting antsy.

This is the one.

[ Whirring ]

Aah, no! Oh, God!
Aaah!

[ Alarm blares ]
Aw, fiddlesticks!

[ All shouting ]

What a haul.

The ship smells
like Morty farts now.

Where's my money?
Oddjob Rick, take him upstairs.

[ Mortys whimpering ]

[ Elevator whirring ]

You like football?

What?

Just making
small talk.

Long elevator.

[ Dings ]

[ Laughter ]

♪

[ Clears throat ]

[ Cranking ]

Well nawh.

My associates here tell me
you rustled up quite the score.

Oddjob? Your uh,
normal job, please.

[ Door opens, closes ]

I can monologue while we wait.

You ever wonder
why I'm an overweight

Southern railroad baron?

See, I was cloned to be the
mascot of a Citadel gumbo chain.

Get yo mouth round it!

But Big Rick's
Gumbo Hutch is trash now.

Whole Citadel is trash now.

And there ain't no
pecking order amongst the trash.

What a utopia.

It will be,
once I have

the requisite Mowty's.

We can all be kings here,
mistuh traffickuh.

Good luck with that.

Don't go spending it all
in one place nawh!

Filthy degenerate.
No accent at awl.

[ Whirring, beeping ]

[ Groans ]

[ Groans ]

Oh, f*ck.

[ Groans ]

[ Engine sputters, starts ]

[ Engine stops ]

f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck!

[ Beeping ]

[ Engine starts ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Thud ]
Morty: Ow!

Shh!

What the f*ck?!

I-I-It was his idea!

Don't hurt us!
I'm not a real doctor!

What are you doing here?
Get the f*ck out of my car!

We're coming with you
to rescue our friends.

I'm not going to rescue
your friends.

I'm going to k*ll those guys
who stole my sh*t.

Yeah, exactly,
it's the same guys.

It is the same guys.

Flush us into space
or keep driving.

f*ck' Mortys.

Hey man, you're the one

who built this truck
with a back seat.

If you die, you die.

Ha ha. Wow.

B-B-Back on an adventure
w-w-with-- with-- with a Rick.

Close your eyes,
and it's like nothing changed.

Some change is good.
We had our own town, man.

We were free.

Hey, ya know,
my-- my Rick wasn't so bad.

Used to take me and Summer
to the park.

No, he didn't.

I have the same memory.
It's fabricated.

"Taking me and Summer
to the park."

[ Beeping ]

A new Citadel?

You Ricks don't have
many original ideas, do you?

And you're the arbiter
of taste?

Cool haircut.

Stay out of my way.

Stay out of mine.

Ooh-whee!
Almost enough for a jump!

I'm gonna head to a reality
where no one has facial hair.

In the land of the blind...

When I get my hop,
I'm off to a dimension

where racism is cool.
Idiots.

You got to have bigger plans
than one jump.

Oh, yeah?
And what's your big plan?

You mean
after I teabag your mom?

[ Laughter ]

Don't even have a mom.

[ Grunts ]

Come on,
gimme a six!

[ Cheering, laughter ]

Damnit!
That's not six!

Where's your boss?

Up your butt
and around the corner.

That's where this
barrel is going

if you don't
start talking.

Up your butt?
Or my butt?

Gimme back my friends!

Jesus, man!

[ Grunting ]

Whoa, whoa!

Where are they?!

They're with his stuff!

A-at the center
of this new Citadel. Help!

Morty-whipped
son of a b*tch!

[ Laughs ]

[ Groans ]

Aaah!

Get off me,
you little sh*t!

Doc!

All we did
was sh**t you, man!

Y-You can't take that
personally!

If we bite it here,

y-you were always
a good customer.

Yeah. You always...
had exact change.

Ugh. Ready?

sh*t!

[ Whimpering ]

T-They got me,
Arcade Morty.

I'm-- I'm dyin'.

It's gonna be okay.

I-I know a doctor.

Oh, ha.

Hope I bleed out before
I have to burn to death.

No medical degree,
but I've read enough

to know one's an okay death
and one is terrible.

[ Sighs ]

Flames aren't getting
any closer.

Looks like it'll definitely be
the bleeding out one.

Phew.

Ah!

Bye, pal.

Off to the big Med School
in the sky.

Hey! Hey!

Ow!

Sorry, they make me do this
to bully me.

Hoof shaming.

To clarify, I'm sorry
about the needle prick.

Overall, I agree
with what they're doing here.

[ Grunts ]

[ Gasps ]
A-Arcade Morty?

Shhh.

[ g*ns c*ck ]

Rich-ard San-chez.
When my associates here told me

that strange little Mowty Town
had themselves a Pet Rick

with a farm full
of cloning equipment,

my interest was piqued.

Cloning equipment?

You see what we have
here, gentalmyan,

is a prince,
in the guise of a pawpuh.

Why, not only is this little
henley boy not a clone,

he's also
the Citadel's former

Head of
Mowty Replication.

A Morty cloning
scientist?

The best Mawty cloning
scientist.

And from the looks
of these boys,

he's still got it.

Rishard, Rishard.

And I thought I loved my job.

This-- this is such
a head f*ck!

Break out
the bubbly, boys!

[ Cheering ]
My Citadel is a go.

Get yo mouth round it.

Rick: That place had
good curly fries.

Oh, ya been there?

So you're not
even a clone?

What the f*ck are
you doing with your life?

I don't belong
anywhere else, kid.

You don't want to be
an evil Citadel guy,

so instead, you live next
to a bunch of cloned Mortys

on an asteroid?

Wow, you're so different.

I never said I was a good guy!

I-I hate you!

Aw, now, that ain't no way
to talk to your paw.

[ Grunts ]
This is.

Non-clone piece
of sheeyat.

Now, we don't need to be
so unpleasant with each other.

I'd love to offer you
your old job back.

I'll take it.
Hit the switch.

[ All shouting ]

Don't do it!
Shut up.

Kid's right.
I'm no better than any of you.

I'm just self-loathing
about it.

[ Beeping ]

See there?
I told you he was good beef!

Alright now, think
that's large enough.

[ Roars ]

[ All shouting ]

Morty!
Get us out of here!

I'm coming!

[ Roars ]

[ Mortys whimpering ]

Mortys, with me!

[ Roars ]

k*ll that abominascion!

[ Roars ]

So, deep down,
you super love Mortys?

Not really.

I'm just really good
at making you.

I mean, look how
you turned out.

Don't give
yourself credit!

Wait, Rick.
What are you doing?

Not giving myself credit.

Go make some memories
that aren't fabricated.

Rick!

Hyah!

♪ Ooh, these ♪

♪ Little earthquakes ♪

♪ Doesn't take much
to rip us into pieces ♪

♪ Doesn't take much to
rip us into pieces ♪

♪ I can't reach you ♪

♪ I can't reach you ♪

Aaah!

♪ I can't reach you ♪
Oh, come on naw!

♪ I can't reach you,
can't reach you ♪

Well, now that's a very

expensive elevator ride
you just took.

My plans were always bigger
than one jump.

No need for that.

Drop the accent.

Whatever you say, man.

That's your real voice?

Ah! sh*t!

A desk g*n?!

An eskr-twar weapyion.

♪ Give me life, give me pain ♪

♪ Give me myself again ♪

♪ Give me life,
give me pain ♪

♪ Give me my,
give me myself again ♪

Aah!

Aaaah!

♪

[ Laughs ] Aaah!

♪

You certainly are a burr
in my saddle.

You're a joke.
I'm whatever I want to be.

That's the freedom of life
as a clone.

You wouldn't know.
Someone made you with sex,

all those sweaty parts
and nipply bits.

You disgust me.

[ Coughs ] It's over, man.
Your dream's about to be gumbo.

Get yo mouth round it.

You... know me?

F-f-father?

Oh. Oh, no, no.

You're under the delusion
of something called

the auteur myth.

Truth is, any big project
is made in collaboration,

lots of delegating.

I sort of... gave notes.

I don't want
to hear this!

Good news.
You don't have to.

Au revoir, son.

You wretch!

Maybe he survived it?

What do we do now?
Go home?

We decide where home is.
For each of us.

[ All talking ]

That old Homesteader wanted us
to make memories for ourselves.

No Morty towns, or Citadels,
or huddling together.

It's time to grow up.

♪

[ Indistinct chatter, laughter ]

♪

[ Cow moos ]

Deal me in.

♪

[ Ship beeps, whirs ]

♪

[ Horn honking ]

[ Portal whirs ]

Hey, uh, is your--
is your Rick around?

I-I think my Morty dropped
his fidget spinner down here.

I'm telling you,
I checked everywhere else.

Morty, I swear to God if I check
between the seats of our car--

I checked between
the seats!

Oh, sh*t, Morty.
Check it out.

I think this little dude
k*lled his Rick.

You really think so?

Yeah, look,
there's a grave.

He buried him out front
as a warning.

Damn. Ice cold.

Is that
a second, smaller grave?

Burnt down
his house, too.

Starting to think we
should've stuck around.

Jesus Christ.
I-I didn't k*ll--

Found it!

I told you I checked
between the seats!

When you're right,
you're right, Morty!

Told you,
I admit that kind of stuff now.

And I can admit you're
right about that, Rick!

You're really changing!

Assholes.

♪

Did you get any of that?