09x01 - Theres Something About Morty

[bunniefuu]

[ Chicago's
"Saturday in the Park" plays ]

♪♪

[ Slurping ]

♪♪

Aah!

[ Laughs ]

Don't tell her, though,
that I said anything to you.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Slurps ] Ahh!

You know, Rick, I don't give


You see what
those ones look like in Asia?

Like --
Like little grocery stores?

Morty. W-W-What's that, pal?

Y-Yeah, the new pool's
pretty great.

Who ya texting?

Nobody.

Nobody?

Yeah. Nobody.

Okay, fine.

Kind of
a weird response.

It's not weird.
Privacy is a thing.

Says the guy
who puts cameras everywhere.

Whatever.
W-What you building in here?

Freeze ray?

Kinda actually.

Making a beer
that chills itself --

[ Yelps ]

Morty!

Why are you being weird?!

Let go of my phone, Morty!

[ Glass shattering ]

Who are you texting?!

Nobody!

Uch! Son of a --
Come on!

[ Cellphone dings ]

What the f*ck?!

It's fine.

The f*ck it's fine!

It's fine!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You're texting with that guy?

It's stupid, Morty. Seriously.
It's nothing.

Evil Morty's dangerous.
And evil.

Exactly. Which is
why sometimes he reaches out

and threatens
to erase our family...

unless I...
help him with stuff.

You work for that guy?!

He's like a Q
that makes me do things for him.

You know Q, Morty?
From "Star Trek."

Okay, so imagine
a cosmic g*y guy

obsessed with chess.

[ Cellphone buzzes ]

You gonna pick that up?

You gonna make
this weird?

I'm not allowed
to be concerned?

You sound insane
right now.

Hello? sh*t.

What, you don't answer
my calls now?

Hi, Morty.

Yeah. Feeling's mutual.

Rick, I'm not interrupting
something, am I?

I was just catching
Morty here up on our...

off-screen exploits.

You two don't share
everything as a couple?

You know I hate you, right?

I do.

It's why I try
to just text.

Let's go.

What the heck?
Morty,

you want to come on this one?

At your own risk obviously.

You know what?
Yeah, I will.

Morty.

Cool.

I think
we can take him.

"We"?

f*ck you. I'm helpful.

Evil Morty:
You guys scheming over there?

Yes.

No.

Right.
Morty, you haven't seen this.

Anything happens to me?

Gone. Forever.
Across all infinity.

Dude, they just sit there?
Always?

They're from
an ideal hostage dimension

where everyone's super-trusting
and never has to sh*t.

There's no Morty.

If he erases you,
he erases himself.

Can we move this along?

There's a guy eating
the multiverse.

There's always a guy
eating the multiverse.

His name is Frumblewurmple.

Rick: No, it's not.

It's not.

It calls itself
"The Collective."

At some point, it'll reach
the Central Finite Curve.

Then it'll be our problem.

More exposition
than I expected.

He does this to t*rture me.

No portals.

This thing absorbs our stuff
and learns to make its own

and we're f*cked.
You're driving.

Do you guys usually talk
or...

is it different
because I'm here?

Morty.

We usually talk.

It's boring physics stuff,
Morty.

And you two defend the
Central Finite Curve together?

Since when do
you care about anything?

I don't.
That's why I make him do it.

Thank d*ck, we're here.

[ Rumbling ]

[ Aliens screaming ]

[ Crash ]

[ Dog whines ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Ominous music plays ]

Uhp, it sees us.

[ Rumbling ]

[ Air whooshes ]

Get in the suit.

What?!

Morty, this is
multiversal galactic sh*t.

I have to focus
a little harder than usual.

Get in the suit.

Make him wear the suit!

Evil Morty doesn't need
the suit.

Morty, get in the suit
or go home.

[ Grunting ]

Oh, it disappears.
That's nifty.

What's that? Nano-mesh?
How's he breathing?

It recycles the oxygen
internally.

Can he piss in there?

He can piss in there.

I won't need to.

♪♪

[ Explosions ]

♪♪

Okay. Sample container's done.
Should be absorption-proof.

Huh. Pretty small.

Nice. Good stuff, Morty.

Very helpful.

Load your f*cking thing in.

♪♪

All set.

Let's wrap this up.

♪♪

You are tremendous
to be attempting this.

It will be an honor
to absorb you.

Oh!

[ Pounding on windshield ]

Don't let it touch you.

Oh!

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

-[ Growls ]
-Car, clear out.

UFO: Way ahead of you.

Morty: Aah!

♪♪

[ Screaming ]

♪♪

You can't outrun me.

You'll be me.

♪♪

Yah!

♪♪

[ Screaming ]

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

[ Morty screaming ]

Oh! Aah!

[ Yelling ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunting ]

♪♪

[ Groans ]

♪♪

I'm am The Collective!

[ Screaming ]

Uh!

Riiiiick!

Aah! Ooh!

♪♪

[ expl*si*n ]

[ Spits ]

H-Hey!

[ Screams ]

♪♪

Morty: Oh! Oh, I get it.

♪♪

The Collective: Ahhhh.

Aah! Ahh!

♪♪

Evil Morty:
Plant these charges.

[ Grunting ]

The Collective: [ Grunts ]

We have absorbed
countless technologies,

Rick Sanchez.

One of them
will be your equal.

Nice of you to explain.

The more you understand
of The Collective,

the easier you will be
for The Collective to absorb.

Lucky me.

♪♪

[ Screaming ]

[ Sniffing ]

This is me,
but it is coating

something
that is not me.

Morty: Uh, we -- we are
The C-Collective.

I am The -- The Collective.

[ Sighs ]

I did not say
or think those things.

And I don't think
I sound like that.

What are these?

Uh, definitely not, uh,
charges of some kind.

I think that's
exactly what they are.

I will absorb them.

sh*t.

I am the threads of time,

bound and perfected.

And your time is up!

♪♪

[ Grunting ]

Aah!

Ugh! What?!

I do not understand.

I am The Collective.

I absorb all.

Right. And you just absorbed
a compression algorithm.

What?!

Now you'll absorb yourself --
forever.

[ Groaning ]

Impossible!

I am The Collective!

Oh! Uh!

No! I am The Collect--

Aaahhhh!

Way to get captured.

Obviously not my fault.

You really f*cked me there,
Morty.

[ Mockingly ] "Uh, definitely
not, uh, charges of some kind."

It was stressful. Okay?
Th-- That was -- Geez!

Although getting captured
kind of worked out.

I didn't mind it.

I liked talking
to that guy.

Yeah, way better
than the dude from last week.

So you -- you guys do stuff
like that together

a -- a lot?

Only sometimes.

Oh.

Should we hit a diner?

Is that crazy?
G-Get some waffles?

What?! No!

Rick, tell Morty
we're getting waffles.

[ Upbeat music playing ]

♪♪

Something to drink?

One, uh --
two milkshakes, actually.

-Coffee with vodka in it.
-Amen.

You have fun, Morty?

Today was actually
a pretty good one.

And you only threw us off
a little.

My apologies.

All good.

Me and Rick
just have a...rhythm.

It's a
fiercely unsteady truce, Morty.

Either of us could backstab
the other at any time.

I get why
he never looped you in.

I mean, if I'm calling
this guy...

must be this tall to ride,
you know?

I'm sure.

Don't let him rile you up,
Morty.

It's all dumb.

Mostly just levitating
with power

and screaming
as our eyes glow.

Sometimes we do
a huge beam together.

What even are you?

Jesus!

May I go to the bathroom,
please?

I gotta give these waffles
some runway.

What do I look like --
the bad guy?

You are permitted.

He's a big softie
once you get to know him, huh?

Even showed me some...
time travel stuff.

I'm gonna shove these waffles
up your a*s, pal!

Heavens!

What the f*ck
are you doing here?

Y-You gonna replace me?

I'm not sure what
you're talking about.

Uh-huh! Home-wrecker!

You see this?
All this messy...

whatever this is...

it's weakness.

f*ck you.

Ha! You know what?

Maybe I will steal
your grandpa.

But not because
I love him.

Because you do.
Here we go.

Two milkshakes
for the two kinds of Mortys --

the one who does
whatever he wants

and the one
who sucks my grandpa's d*ck.

You know what?
I'll drink both milkshakes.

Just took a sh*t so big,
it changed my brain chemistry.

W-What are we doing?
We order those waffles yet?

Can we go?

Morty...

I took
such a nice sh*t.

Don't make him tug
my leash again.

No, we can call it.
Boy, this was great, though.

Thanks for coming along,
Morty.

Rick, we gotta do this
after missions more often.

Uh-huh.

This one's on me.
And, uh...

till next time, Gramps.

I winked. Maybe you couldn't
tell because of the eye patch.

We could tell.

Blackmailing prick.

♪♪

[ Electricity crackling ]

Huh.

[ Eye patch beeping ]

[ Line ringing ]

m*therf*cker!

Yeeeah-ha ha-hooow!

[ Screaming ]

We got him, Morty!
We f*cking got him!

I-I don't understand!

I put the blueprints for that
dumb f*cking Omega Device

in the Omega Device,
Morty.

Eh, they've been wiped
from every possible reality.

You mean...

Yes, you possessive
f*cking nerd!

We're free of that hack's
bullshit once and for all.

Oh, sweet bliss!

I'm already forgetting
what we're talking about.

God, he brought you along
to flex.

He showed you his lair,
that overconfident little b*tch.

Predictable b*tch!

That's what happens when you get
too used to winning, Morty.

You start sucking
your own d*ck Morty.

He's gonna be coming for us,
Morty.

He's coming,
and he's gonna be pissed.

He doesn't have the luxury
of subtlety anymore.

That smug d*ck.

He'll want to m*rder
the sh*t out of me, Morty.

That's
why I built this place, Morty.

This whole dimension is
a bunker, Morty.

Oh, man.

We live in the bunker now,
Morty!

[ Whimpers ]

We might be here forever,
Morty.

Bunker dimension-n-n!

So Evil Morty thinks he's
my nemesis.

Mostly just sucks.
But he is deadly.

Swallow this.
It's a kind of body-armor goo,

so you can take some hits.
But only some.

I'm not made
of body-armor goo.

What about Space Beth?

Space Beth is mean to me
sometimes.

There's
an evil version of Morty?

Yes, Jerry. Obviously.
Keep up.

He's crafty. He's evil.
He's a p*ssy-a*s b*tch.

He doesn't think I know this,

but his stupid Akira palm laser
has a cooldown.

You get 20 seconds
after firing it to tackle him.

If he corners you, yell a slur.
A bad slur.

What?!

That reaction exactly.

The worse the slur,
the more time it buys you.

Jerry, pretend to sh*t
your pants in fear.

I'll see what I can do.

So we just live here now?

On high alert,
but also open your heart

to the joys
of the bunker dimension.

There's normal plumbing,
and your friends and neighbors

all have combat training,

like Bunker Gene here.

Oo-rah!

At ease, BG.

Now, ballistics.

Evil Morty does have
a force field. It's annoying.

He probably can deflect
anything below a caliber
of, I dunno, 7 billion.

[ Whispering ] Is Bunker Gene
from this dimension,

or do you think
Rick brought him here?

[ Whispering ] Seems like
he used to be a Marine.

No whispering.

Whispering's the first step
to turning on each other.

He might go for that, too.

Classic bunker maneuver.

Just let us stew in here
until we go insane.

So we can't go insane, even
if we live here forever.

More questions?

No further questions.

Do you wish
I was smarter?

Oh, Morty, have some dignity.

I don't know,
maybe it was all an act,

but he's powerful
and confident.

And you guys had
real chemistry.

I can't even do
chemistry homework.

He wears
a villain accessory, Morty.

We are closing the book
on this -- Evil Morty sucks.

You promise?

I promise.

Phew! And you're sure
he can't break in?

It's unlikely,

unless he's canonically mastered
the tech needed to bore

through dimensional
infrastructure. I don't know.

I don't keep track
of that stuff.

[ Loud thud ]

I'm happy you don't like him
more than me, Rick.

I think this one might be
for keepsies, Morty.

sh**t to k*ll.

Roger that.

♪♪

[ Explosions ]

D-Did it w-work, sir?

It worked.

♪♪

♪♪

Semper fi!

Ooh! He looks mad.

You like that, Morty?

He built a bunker dimension
just for me.

I don't have to lie here.

I built it for a bunch
of reasons.

You're not special, pal.

I don't need to be.

Aah!

You're gonna watch me
k*ll him.

Oh, man. You sound
as pressed as Morty was.

You do have
a lot in common.

[ Grunting ]

[ Screams ]

That's cute.
How many of those you got left?

Like, two?

Is it two?

Three?

Ow! [ Coughs ]

[ Grunting ]

♪♪

[ Yells ]

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

Eee!

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh--

♪♪

Uh!

[ Sizzling ]

♪♪

[ Screaming ]

Aah! Aah!

[ Screaming ]

♪♪

♪♪

Uh!

[ Laughs maniacally ]

Yeah! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Aah!

♪♪

♪♪

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

[ Yelling ]

[ Yelling ]

What's -- What's happening?
Am I missing something?

All our nanobots are
k*lling each other's nanobots!

[ Yelling ]

[ Yelling ]

Ow!

God damn it!

[ expl*si*n ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Yelling ]

Oh!

Morty! No!

[ Both grunting ]

sh**t him, Rick!

What the hell?!

What are you waiting for?
k*ll him!

Go on! Do it!

It's him! Just do it!

Both: Oh, f*ck you!

You're really gonna do this?

You're really gonna try
to make him sh**t me?

That's your trick?
Just -- Just say your whole plan

out loud
so he doesn't suspect you?

sh*t.

[ Screaming ]

♪♪

[ expl*si*n ]

We -- We got him?

[ expl*si*n ]

I really do hate you guys.

No, you don't.

That's the real reason
you need to k*ll us right now.

Because for Rick,
making me jealous was an act.

But for you...

Yeah. Run, b*tch.

You leaned in hard.
'Cause you thought it was real!

Damn, Morty.

I saw what I saw, Rick.

He's got a big old crush on you.

I'd like to deny it, Morty,
but I'm pretty irresistible.

[ Electricity crackling ]

All right, well, m-maybe it's
us who need to run, b*tch.

Huh?

[ All grunting ]

Jerry!

Not helping, Dad.

Aah! [ Gulps ]



Yeah, you little
eye-patched piece of sh*t.

Together: [ Grunting ]

Uh!
You like that?

That little time device
you showed me --

I made one, too.

Just like the portal g*n.

Always struck me as odd that
Ricks don't do time travel.

I get that it's messy,
but so are you.

Anyways...

good thing I'm not a Rick.

[ Siren wailing ]

Hands where I can see 'em!

You're surrounded for


you sick f*ck.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ No audio ]

♪♪

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

♪♪

♪♪

Thanks for the tip-off.

A lot of people
freezing time these days.

Just a concerned citizen,
Officer.

It's societal breakdown,
is what it is!

Nobody pulling over
for ambulances no more neither.

All right, get him out of here.

I want this kid processed
yesterday.

Hey, hey! Wait up!

[ Sighs ]

What?

Aah!

Schleemypants: Oh, sh*t!

[ Rick whistles ]

You touch me
with that hand again,

and I'll f*cking cube it,
pal!

You're nothing.
You're less than nothing.

Uh-huh.

Morty's right.

You do have a crush.

You needed the cops to win.

Ah! Scoreboard.

Sorry...
Morty made it weird.

We were never a thing.

Uh-huh.

Enjoy prison, f*ck!

Season 9, baby.

Only...
an indefinite number more.

Sure glad we
didn't have to use those slurs.

Oh, my God. Same.

[ Gasps ]
You had one ready?

Oh,
don't act like you didn't.

Let's all say them
at the same time.

Three. Two. One.

-Eww! Dad!
-Jerry!

Wow! Evil Morty
off the board for good, huh?

What are you gonna do now,
Rick?

Nothing but green --
you know, g-green grass

in front of us, baby.

-I need a vacation.
-Oh. Nice.

But you do like me
more than him?

Don't be needy, Morty.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Indistinct shouting ]

When are you in for, ape?

This is it?

You're not gonna put me
in stasis for all of time

or -- I don't know --
remove my consciousness?

What? Bro, this sh*t's
supposed to be punitive.

What the hell sucks
about going to sleep?

Nah, little man. Y'all gonna
be eating mush on a tray, with,

like, big aggro dudes that call
you "Fish" relentlessly.

-Damn.
-I mean, you can get jacked,

but even then, you gotta
hustle for that protein.

You guys
have prison pegged.

We've had forever to do it.

Did you get any of that?