Lisa Ann Walter: It Was an Accident (2026)

[bunniefuu]

[Lisa Ann Walter] You know, I think

that there's a lot of people still

that don't know that I did this,

that this was my job.

It's the reason why

I got the-- the brass ring invite

to come and star on my own TV shows in LA.

I love the medium.

I love the communication

with the audience.

And-- And having that experience

be a singular event

that happens right there

and everybody knows it.

And it just--

It's important to make people laugh.

[audience cheering and applauding]

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

-[audience member] I love you!

-Uh-- I love you!

I am so happy

to see all of you here tonight!

[mouthing] That's my girl.

Hello, Philadelphia!

And now,

I take great pride in welcoming you

to It Was an Accident

with this comedy queen...

Lisa Ann Walter!

[cheering and applause]

[upbeat rock music playing]

Yeah, girl! Yeah!

[music fades out]

What's up, Philadelphia?!

Oh, my God.

Okay, everybody, can we just--

Sheryl Lee Ralph!

[audience cheering, applauding]

That-- Honest to God,

that is the best hype woman in the world.

I'm so happy to be here!

[cheering and applause]

Honest to God-- First of all,

thank you guys all so much for coming out.

When I come here, I feel like I'm home.

-[audience members] Yes!

-You guys, you hug me, you kiss me,

you give me food.

That's how it is here.

Boy, Philly goes hard on the food.

Y'all are good.

[audience cheering]

Philly might be the hardest food city

I've ever worked in.

Like, Philly goes so hard on the food,

it made Ozempic fat.

[laughter]

These are my notes.

Don't anybody get scared.

I just have these 'cause I'm old

and I can't remember sh*t.

Anybody else?

Who else is old in this room?

-[audience cheering]

-You're like-- No, you're not.

What are you calling yourself old for,

my paisan?

-How old are you?

-Thirty-eight.

Thirty-eight's not old!

[audience laughing, booing]

They all hate you now.

[chuckles]

I'm like, maybe

representing the front row, you're older.

Oh, there she is.

There's my sister. Alright! Ah!

-What's your name?

-Bonnie.

Bonnie. See, Bonnie's

a, a, a name from our generation.

[laughter]

There's not a Mackenzie.

-Hey, Bonnie, how you doing?

-I'm well.

And you came out in the evening.

Good for you.

We don't like to go ou--

We don't like to go out.

Can't see at night.

[chuckling] sh*t!

And did you see how she high-fived me?

-[Bonnie] I got my daughter [indistinct].

-That's your daughter? Okay, good.

Good to know.

And what's your name? Mackenzie?

-Bridget.

-[Lisa] Bridget.

How old are you?

-[Bridget] Twenty-four.

-Twenty-four.

-Got-- Got bras older than you.

-[laughter]

So, did you see

how she gave me the high five

like a normal human?

Did you see that?

See, that's how we do

from the old times.

Nobody-- None of this sh*t.

'Cause half the time when I go up

and I try to say hello

when people are doing this--

I'm-- It's like I wind up

playing an old white lady game

of rock, paper, scissors.

I don't know, are we dapping?

I don't know what we're doing here.

Just kick the foot.

f*ck' weird.

I know I'm old too, Bonnie.

You know how I know?

I get injured three ways.

I think I turned too fast.

[laughter]

I don't know, I guess I slept wrong.

And I must've been standing funny.

[laughter and clapping]

[groans] It went out!

Where are my Italians? Where are you?

[audience cheering]

Love it.

And you raised your hand first,

so I'm going to you--

Where are you? There you are.

What's your name?

[audience member]

Greg Lyons.

Oh! You stood up.

Like, are we at the Kiwanis? What?

So, are you Sicilian or regular?

[laughter]

Valid question.

That's a pizza joke.

-You r-- Leone, what is that?

-[Greg] Thin crust.

-It's what?

-[Greg] Thin crust.

Same crust.

That's a little too personal, sir.

[laughter]

That was so stupid.

[Lisa laughing]

Alright, this is for all my paisan.

This'll make you feel at home.

Okay, you ready?

[vocalizes to the tune

of "The Chicken Dance"]

[all clapping in rhythm]

Oh, I found ya!

You're either-- They're either wops

or they've been to a Polish wedding.

One or the other, right?

All my-- All my, uh, Italian friends,

they'll recognize this little dilemma.

So I went to--

Sheryl's son was getting married

and there was a register.

And I had a bunch of weddings this summer,

and every single one,

there was a register.

And the first one that I saw, it came up,

and they want

pots and pans and this and that.

And I'm like, "What the f*ck is that?"

And they're like, "That's what you go to

to figure out what gift to give 'em."

I'm like, "Envelope of cash."

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

Am I wrong? It always fits.

And then you put it

in a-- in a bride's bag,

a satin bride's bag,

and Grandma sits on it.

So, the cash smells like Grandma's a*s,

but you-- but you buy a house, so...

Alright, where's my, uh, LGBTQ?

-Where are you?

-[audience cheering]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thanks for coming out.

And also, coming to the show. Hey!

Shut up!

[laughter]

Alright, where's my teachers?

Any teachers?

-[audience cheering]

-Hey! Double duty!

Teachers? Hey, there you are.

How you doing? Good for you.

I don't have a joke for you.

[laughter]

That's what your salaries are for.

[laughter and groans]

Oh, my G--

Get it together, America!

So f*cking stupid what's happening.

Things are getting really wacky,

aren't they, in the country?

Wasn't it like we were all going along

like, "Oh, there's some problems,

but we can work 'em out",

and all of a sudden,

[imitates tires squealing] "f*ck!"

[laughter]

All I'm saying is if I had known

we were headed toward The Handmaid's Tale

and I was gonna be wearing

that big red cape,

I wouldn't have cut out carbs.

[laughter and clapping]

Let my fat a*s fly free.

One of the reasons

why I came here, by the way,

is that there's some places in the country

I'm afraid to go to. [chuckles]

So, Philly is not one of 'em.

-I come here and I'm like--

-[cheering and applause]

This is what I get.

This is what I get.

I look at a map of America,

there's whole sections I just go, "Nope."

[laughter]

Swipe left. All of that.

But I'm thrilled to be here, honestly,

because I have twin teenage boys at home,

so I'm just happy

to be in front of people who like me.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Thank you. Thank you.

They're-- They're so mean.

[chuckles]

Does anybody have teenagers?

-Anybody?

-[audience cheering]

You got the kids, do you?

What's your name, lady?

-[audience member] Julie

-Julie. How old are your kids?

[Julie]

Twenty and sixteen.

Twenty and sixteen.

Boy, girl, what?

-[Julie] Uh, one of each.

-One of each! That's good. That's a set.

-They still live at home?

-[Julie] Yes.

Mm-hmm.

-[laughter]

-[Julie's husband] [indistinct].

They're here?

[Julie/husband]

No, that's why we're here!

Oh, okay, good. Well, you know,

even if they move out, they come back.

So just be prepared, you know what I mean?

They go for a little bit,

they go to college,

and then they-- they come right back

so they can judge you.

[laughter]

Yell at you for sh*t.

Bridget.

Give your mom a hard time--

My kids do anyway, they're--

First of all, the-- the-- the twins

are just two of the four.

-I got four altogether. Four.

-[audience applauding]

Thank you. Thank you for clapping

for my extremely efficient uterus.

-Thank you.

-[laughter]

Gotten pregnant

on every form of birth control there is.

I'm not even kidding.

My Italian genes were like,

"You're making babies, b*tch!

Look at your hips."

And I did. Four. I got four.

Four kids altogether

'cause my vag*na's a clown car.

Thank you, four.

I live in a shoe.

I have four kids, uh, two ex-husbands.

Two kids with each, Julie.

'Cause it's like-- You know,

you don't want anybody to get jealous.

[laughter]

The first ex-husband, lovely Jewish guy,

turned out we had too much in common,

he also liked men.

-[audience members] Oh.

-[laughter]

It happens!

Second one, uh, a cheater,

which is not technically a religion,

but he practiced it like it was.

-[chuckles]

-[audience laughing]

This m*therf*cker was Orthodox.

So, that didn't last.

But, uh, yeah, so the four kids,

it's the teens that are still--

The young-- They're young men now.

I don't wanna call 'em teens.

They're young men-- Which one is 20?

-The boy or the girl?

-[Julie] Girl.

The girl. Okay.

So, is she past the b*tch age?

-[Julie] Yeah.

-'Cause they can get bitchy.

My daughter never did.

She's perfect in every way.

She's here tonight. Go with it. Shut up.

[laughter]

She's not. She's not, actually.

No, I'm just kidding.

But the boys-- Answer me a question

'cause I've never been a young man.

I know there's some rumors

on the internet, but no.

I just have a deep voice.

But answer me this question, if you will--

-What's your name, my paisan?

-[audience member] Eric.

-[Lisa] Eric?

-Yeah.

So, Eric, answer me this,

about young guys.

What's up with the smell?

[laughter]

-We, we, we try. We try.

-[Lisa] It's a lot.

I know you try,

and I don't want to be mean.

And I understand you are working

with a lot more equipment and accoutrement

and, uh, it's hot,

it gets moist, I understand.

But it's not just ball skank.

[laughter]

Seriously,

because I'm familiar with ball skank.

I've been in the vicinity.

I know what it is.

Right? Bonnie,

you and me, we know what it is.

[laughter]

Bonnie's been there!

Leave her alone.

Me and Bonnie know.

It's not just that.

It's like ball skank, and wet dog,

and meth lab, and Cheetos.

[laughter]

Are you out there marching

-and caring about stuff?

-[Bridget] Yeah.

Yeah. Good for you.

I like that about you guys. You--

You go through a lot that we won't know,

that me and-- and Bonnie

and the other oldsters

are-- are not familiar with.

But we went through a lot of sh*t

that you guys will never experience, too,

like, um, the fact that

nobody cared where we were.

[laughter]

Ever! Am I right?

What's your name?

-[audience member] Jesse.

-Jesse?

Nobody gave a sh*t where you were, right?

When you were coming up?

That you left the house in the morning,

in the summer, especially,

you went out the door,

and there was only two rules.

Don't come back in the house.

Until when?

-[audience] The street lights come on.

-The street lights come on, exactly.

And in between, nobody gave a sh*t.

They didn't know. They didn't care.

I was running through a field

with a bumper bottle

of Olde English 800...

[laughter and applause]

...breaking into local pools

'cause it's f*ck' hot.

Right in front of the cops, too.

I didn't give a sh*t.

And I was cute and a girl,

so they didn't care either.

They were like,

"Watch her climb over the fence."

[laughter]

It was different back then,

Jess, am I right?

Nobody cared. They didn't--

Nobody called-- This is the thing.

Nobody called to see

if anybody had enough seat belts,

like, when you went

with your friends, right, Jess?

Nobody cared. Nobody called.

"Is the parent gonna be there?

Is anybody supervising?"

They didn't care about the car seats.

There were no baby seats, Bridge.

There were no baby seats!

Do you remember this?

If you had a baby,

you would just stick him in the back,

and he would roll around.

[laughter]

Like a marble.

Until he came to rest

behind the driver's seat.

And you would be like,

"Oh, good, he's wedged in.

He's there. You can take off."

I mean, you went-went with your friends,

like, to a carnival or something.

There was no-- no calls about the car--

Nobody cared if you could fit or not.

You would just go to whoever had

the uncle with the El Camino.

You remember that piece of sh*t car,

Jesse? Remember that?

This is what it was, Bridget.

It was like a, a, a, a sedan in front

and a pickup truck in back.

It was like the mullet

of the automobile world.

[laughter and applause]

And you would just, whoever's drunk uncle

put down his Schlitz,

put all the kids in the back,

you'd just stack 'em

like cordwood in the flatbed.

And then you'd take us to the carnival

and just, "Get the f*ck out."

You know, just kick ya out.

No cell phones,

no arrangement for coming home,

just, "Here's a roll of tickets.

Good luck!"

And then you get on the rides--

And this is what

our rides were like, Bridge.

This is what it was.

It was a-- a ride called the Gravitron.

Do you remember that?

-[audience cheering]

-Remember that? 'Member?

Remember the Gravitron? The circle?

And you'd stand in it, and it'd go around,

and there was nothing holding you in.

There was no, like,

transformer, ka-kung, ka-kung.

There was a mesh belt

that nobody checked to see if it was tied.

And you would just stand there,

free as a bird,

and this thing would start spinning

faster and faster,

and then the f*cking floor

dropped out the bottom.

And the only thing holding you in there

was wishes, and unicorn dreams,

and the fear of the vomit flying at you

from the other side.

And if you were a real badass,

halfway through, you'd climb the wall

like Spider-Man.

[audience laughing and clapping]

It's crazy. Nobody cared.

Uh, I-- I-- I really admire

their generation, though,

because they're-- they're out there

caring about sh*t and doing stuff.

Truly. Truly, the world is--

You care about everything.

Except customer service,

I noticed. They're just--

-[laughter]

-They're not big on that.

Not-- Don't care if you get it,

don't want to give it,

just, "Oh, you want fries and a Big Mac?

f*ck you."

-[microphone thumps]

-[audience laughing]

"f*ck' headset. I'm done."

I'm out with my kids at the Starbucks,

and they get the order wrong,

I'm like, "Well, give it back.

The barista will fix it."

"Don't be a d*ck, Mom."

What the f*ck?

It's six bucks!

And it's my money. Give it back.

I get a half-hour lecture

about the collective career insecurity

and gig economy.

I'm like, "I'm an actor.

I've been unemployed 90% of my life.

I know, okay?" Little rat.

They keep coming home,

though, Julie, right?

You know why?

Free food and Wi-Fi.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Right, Eric?

That's right. You keep showing up.

I got all the channels.

[laughter]

And they bring

all their stoned gamer friends with them.

Every single time, I see

a new group of people I never met before

just tromping in,

looking like the cast of Wednesday.

[laughter]

"Hi, Spencer's mom."

I don't care.

Bring everybody, you know?

I got sauce on the stove. Come over.

But how 'bout a five-minute heads-up

so Mommy has time to put on a bra?

How 'bout that?

'Cause these permanently erect n*pples?

That's also your fault,

you little breastfeeding b*stard.

[laughter and applause]

Nobody needs your dopey friends

popping a b*ner

to the nanny from The Parent Trap.

[cheering and applause]

Whoa!

[Lisa laughing]

These poor kids.

"Sorry, Spencer's mom."

[laughter]

I don't know whether to be pissed off

or complimented.

[chuckles]

I'm pissed off so often lately,

you guys, I swear.

'Cause I'm a grown-a*s woman in America,

and I'm paying attention.

Whoo, sh*t!

They got laws that scare me.

I'm telling you,

there's states I'm afraid to go to.

I was supposed to do a movie

on this hiatus in Texas,

and I was afraid to go

'cause they've got these laws

where you can, um...

get put in jail if you have a miscarriage.

They can throw you in jail

for second-degree manslaughter.

And I knew-- This is--

This is the crazy Sicilian side of me.

Okay? We're a very pessimistic people.

We think-- Seriously!

They-- We've been invaded

by everybody in the world.

So, every Sicilian you know is like this,

"What's gonna f*ck me?"

[laughter]

And that's how I think

'cause I got it from my grandparents.

It's like, "How is it gonna f*ck me?

Here's how they get you."

And I know if I go to Texas to do a movie,

that'll be the week that one of my last,

sad, three dusty-a*s eggs...

[laughter]

I have three left.

They're old and sad and dusty.

Julie, they come out like this.

[coughs dryly]

[laughter]

But I got three. Doctor told me.

I know if I go to Texas to do a movie,

that'll be the week

that one of those g*dd*mn eggs

makes a guest appearance.

And so, I'm gonna be all hormonal,

and I'm gonna-- I'm gonna find

some hunky grip named Thor.

[laughter]

I'll give you

a little industry secret, Jess.

There's always a grip named Thor.

[laughter]

And if there isn't,

I'm gonna call one Thor

'cause that's how Mama gets down.

[cheering and applause]

So, me and Thor are gonna lock eyes

and everything in my body is gonna be

like, "I need to mate with Thor."

And me and Thor are gonna run

to the trailer for a little lunchtime fun.

And Thor's super sperm

is gonna knock up my sad, decrepit egg.

And that thing's gonna take one look

around my ghetto, ramshackle,

Greyhound bus station uterus...

with tumbleweeds blowing through it...

and some cranky janitor

sweeping up carnival trash...

[laughter]

It's my uterus, Jesse.

[laughter]

That thing's gonna take one look around

and say,

"Who's the slumlord of this joint?"

And make a quick exit.

And bam! They got me locked up on charges!

And I ain't winding up

in the pokey in San Antonio

just 'cause 30% of this country thought,

"Hmm, maybe the Taliban's

got a few good ideas."

It ain't going down like that

for the nanny in The Parent Trap!

[cheering and applause]

She's so cute!

That pisses me off.

What else pisses me off?

I don't like stupid women.

[audience members] Whoo!

I'll say it. Right?

-Yep. Lesbians are backing me up.

-[audience cheering]

I don't like-- And look--

I like how all the men are like,

"Not doing it. Nope.

You're not gonna get me with this one.

I'm not getting canceled

at your show tonight."

I don't like it when they represent us,

I'll tell you that right now.

I don't like that Lauren Boebert.

That's a dumb b*tch.

[cheering and applause]

That is a dummy.

I don't care what your politics are,

she is stupid!

I mean, first of all, she gets popped

for getting high and felt up

at a Broadway show?

I'm like, "You are a congresswoman, ma'am.

"If I had known you could do that,

I would've run for office a long time ago.

[laughter and cheering]

"How dare you...

figure this out before me?"

-[chuckles]

-[audience laughing]

She's dumb, though.

Lauren Boebert is so dumb.

[audience]

How dumb is she?

Lauren Boebert is so dumb,

she thought

the three branches of government

were the Nia,

the Pinta, and the Santa Maria.

[laughter and applause]

Alright, one more, one more.

Lauren Boebert is so dumb.

[audience]

How dumb is she?

Lauren Boebert is so dumb, she thought

the Supreme Court was the regular court

with guacamole and sour cream.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

It's such a dumb joke!

Ah! Alright. Okay.

That's your gift bag joke, take that home.

You can tell that at work on Monday,

just say it's yours.

Say you wrote it, I don't give a sh*t.

That's a take-home.

I don't like--

I don't like adult women with baby voices.

-[audience groaning]

-Ugh! Right?

[mockingly]

"Oh, my God."

"Oh, my God!"

[normal voice]

You have friends like this, Bridge?

-Where they add--

-[Bridget] No, I stay away from them.

Yeah. Good for you, girl.

By the way,

if you're at a table with a bunch of girls

and one of you is not laughing, it's you.

[laughter]

Just know your friends

haven't told you yet.

And you take that matter

into your own hands, Bridget.

You come up against

one of these Kardashian-wannabe b*tches

and just-- "Oh, my God,

you're so cute! Ah!"

Just before they get

to that last syllable,

just throat punch them.

Just--

"Oh, my God, you're so cute--"

"You're done!"

[laughter and applause]

I blame the Kardashians,

like I do for almost everything.

Seriously, I'm like--

I'm wearing

one of their, uh, bodysuits right now

-from Good American.

-[audience member] SKIMS are scary.

SKIMS are a f*cking devil.

Has anybody tried to get into their--

their-- their shapewear called SKIMS?

That's them hating American women.

I'm serious. I burst a blood vessel

trying to get that thing over my a*s.

I had to lay down and get help.

I had to call out for help.

This is not in the act,

but you brought it up.

[laughter]

I'm wearing the bodysuit right now,

and I'm gonna tell you a little secret.

Are you ready for this? Hang on.

[audience member] No, she's not.

[Lisa] I did not attach it.

[audience cheering and applauding]

I mean-- No.

That-- Swear to God,

that thing is living so far up my coolie,

I should be f*cking it on its birthday.

-[laughter]

-[audience member] Don't do that.

I just said that out loud.

I have never done that

in front of any audience before.

-[audience member] We love you!

-[cheering and applause]

I just-- Sheryl is so ashamed

of me right now.

I don't like the dumb thing.

I don't like--

I mean, listen, if you're out

with your guy for the evening,

Jesse and his beautiful lady,

and you're going out for the night,

and if she wants to whip out a, like,

"Buy me a pony, Daddy."

If she wants to-- I'm not saying you do.

I'm saying, if you want to,

nobody should kink shame you.

That's-- That's your deal.

That's how you get off. Go for it.

I'm just saying, I don't wanna hear it

in a professional setting.

I don't wanna hear it in the workplace.

I don't wanna hear it

at a school situation,

and not in the doctor's office!

Not in the doctor's!

I went to the OB-GYN, um, because--

-[audience members groaning]

-Oh, yeah,

no, that's what women do for fun.

[laughter]

Once a year, we go in,

and we basically, uh, check and see

if some-- if something's gonna k*ll us.

That's why we go, right? Am I right?

If I-- If I'm wrong

at any point during this, stop me.

We go to see

if, like, our uterus is gonna fall out,

our boobs are gonna implode.

[stammering]

Is our-- Is our vag*na atrophied?

That means, dead p*ssy. Is--

[laughter]

Or so I'm told.

[laughter and applause]

So, that's why we go.

And then, they-- they--

But they put you

through a rigorous set of steps.

It's like a--

It's like Survivor once a year.

The first thing they make you do

when you get there

is they got a table and you gotta, like--

It's about this wide.

And they make you climb up on it,

but none of us are tall--

Who's tall enough--

Sheryl's tall enough. That's it.

The rest of us are rappelling up

the side of this thing.

And then you get on top,

and you gotta turtle over onto your back.

And then they tell you what?

-Scooch.

-[female audience] Scooch.

[audience member] Little bit more!

-Little bit more!

-Thank you.

Thank you for playing the game with me.

"Can you scooch more?"

So, you scooch more.

And now you're close,

but not enough for them!

So, they say scooch

all the way to the end,

but now your a*s is stuck to the paper.

[laughter]

And so, you have to scooch,

and you rip the paper.

Now, your sweaty a*s

is stuck to the plastic.

And it makes this sound

when you try to move.

[imitates plastic squealing]

You get all the way to the end,

they put your feet in stirrups,

and they say, "Just relax."

[laughter]

[nervous chuckle]

And so, you try.

And then, they reach for an item,

um, it's called a speculum.

Are you familiar?

Jesse, you familiar?

You know what that is?

Why?

[laughter]

Okay, he knows.

So, if you don't know what a speculum is,

it's like a pair of metal salad tongs

that they keep in,

apparently, the freezer.

[laughter]

And they pull those out,

and they gently insert 'em.

And they open it up real wide!

And they say,

"You may feel a bit of discomfort."

And you say, "Go f*ck yourself!"

[audience cheering and applauding]

So, men--

Thank you for men tolerating that bit.

[laughter]

So, my doctor-- My-- She was hilarious.

She was all the way in and she said,

"It's been a while

since you've been in a relationship, huh?"

[laughter]

I said, "What are you looking at?"

She said, "Nothing.

I, I, I can't see past the cobwebs."

[laughter and groaning]

This b*tch!

She was right, though.

I-- It had been a minute.

I-- And it was funny,

so I high-fived her.

[laughter]

She ma-- I did! And she made this sound

when she opened the speculum.

[imitates creaky door]

[laughter and clapping]

It had been-- It had been years

since I'd been in a relationship. It had.

And it's not that I don't like men,

I got the four kids,

you guys know I like men, but, uh...

uh... I don't like their-- I don't like

having their stuff in my house.

Is that wrong? I don't-- Ladies--

Are there people in a long-term--

Jesse, you and the--

your lady married?

You're married? Yeah, been together--

He's showing me his ring.

I'm not hitting on you. I just--

[laughter]

You've been together a minute?

-Yeah.

-Okay, good.

Yeah, I like a long-term relationship.

I don't know.

I-- I don't see myself doing it again

just because I got...

All the drawers are full.

Every once in a while,

I want a man in my cooch,

just not my closet.

[laughter]

Like, keep your sh*t at your house.

I think, if I ever invented anything

for Shark Tank,

I would, um, it would be this.

I came up with this.

I think it's brilliant.

Um, Uber d*ck.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Just come over, deliver the d*ck, get out.

And just like regular Uber,

if it doesn't come on time,

you can cancel.

-[chuckles]

-[audience laughing]

Meanwhile,

the g*y guys in the audience are like,

"It's called Grindr. Dummy.

We have that."

So, anyway, couple of weeks go by,

and I-- I'm like, "Okay,

everything's cool at the doctor," right?

No, I get a call.

So, now I'm terrified

'cause it's like, "Why are they calling?"

So, this is what I get on the phone.

[mocking Kardashian accent]

"Hi, Ms. Walter.

"Your test results just came back,

and there seems to be an 'amamaly'.

"A a-muh-mom-any.

[laughter]

"An a-men-nem-one.

[laughter]

"You're results were weird.

[laughter]

We need you to come back

for another appointment. Ah!"

[laughter]

I'm like, "Is there a doctor nearby?

Or a nurse? Or your mommy?

"When we're talking

about oncology results,

"I'd like to talk to a f*ck' grown-up!

Okay? Kylie!"

[laughter]

Here's another thing

that I get pissed off about.

So, while I was at the OB-GYN,

she tells me about this thing

that women are asking her about.

And it's, like, yet another operation

we're supposed to go through.

'Cause you know how women are

constantly like, "Now you need a big a*s."

For years,

we weren't supposed to have any a*s.

Like, when I was growing up,

you had to look like a Charlie's Angel

with that disease "noassatall."

And now, everybody paying for a*s.

And I'm like,

"What about this Sicilian coolie?

I've had this since birth."

Y'all shame me, but every week,

they got a new thing

that we're supposed to do.

And then we all get the surgery,

and before you know it,

we wind up looking like Matt Gaetz.

What the f*ck?

[laughter and applause]

But anyway, so here was the new surgery

that this doctor told me about.

It's called a vaginal rejuvenation.

Have you heard about this?

-[audience members] Yeah.

-'Cause I-- No, I hadn't.

And I was like,

"Well, I like a-- I like a spa treatment."

-[chuckles]

-[audience laughing]

Maybe it's a mud bath.

I don't know what it is.

I-- I mean, listen, I've never had

any complaints about the area,

but who knows, you know?

Maybe I could improve.

And she said, uh--

I said, "So, what-- what's involved?

Is it like-- What-- What happens?

What do you do? Is it like a serum?"

And she goes,

"No, no. Um, they cut your lips off."

[audience] Oh!

That's the exact right response, Philly.

[laughter]

Every man and woman in here

should be like, "Ohhh!"

Wha-- I mean, men, you felt that

in your nether regions, right?

Like, why?

Why would you do that? Why?

It's an erogenous zone!

It's like-- feels good when you touch it.

The whole area

is engaged in this business.

The lesbians have figured this out.

[cheering and laughter]

They've cracked the code.

It's not just some flap God put there

to keep out ants and sh*t.

[laughter]

I mean, it also keeps out ants.

[laughter]

Like, if you're sitting naked

at a picnic or something.

That's a bonus feature.

That's not the point.

They wanna cut it off. Why?

'Cause it's not the cutest thing

on your-- our bodies?

Have you seen your ba*ls, Jesse?

[laughter and applause]

Exactly! And not just your ba*ls.

Not just you, Jesse, Eric's ba*ls,

and Greg's ba*ls, everybody's ba*ls.

All ba*ls. All y'all ba*ls

look like Winston Churchill.

All ba*ls.

All your ba*ls.

And we don't care. We don't care.

If we love you, we love your ba*ls!

She loves your ba*ls!

And if she doesn't,

she acts like she does!

'Cause that's what we do

when we love somebody.

We'll be like,

"Look at those cute little ba*ls."

[laughter]

Oh, I'm sorry, it's Jesse.

Hang on, let me get a big handful.

-"Look at those--" [laughs]

-[audience laughing]

Look at those cute little-- Those--

[laughter]

Look at those cute--

[laughing]

Look at how cute-- Look at--

Look at those Winston Churchill ba*ls.

Look at how you saved London

during the Blitz.

[laughter]

I'm gonna gargle you on your birthday.

[laughter]

I'm not cutting anything off, ever.

I promise you, Philly, I'm not.

[audience member] Whoo!

If I ever close down for renovations,

I'm thinking

more along the lines of an expansion.

[laughter]

Sure, get a couple

of Barcaloungers in there,

a big-screen TV, couple of beer taps.

Make it more welcoming, more of a...

of a man cave, if you will.

I'm gonna turn that sh*t

into Chickie's & Pete's.

[audience laughing and cheering]

I'm not putting

Crabfries up there though.

-[chuckles]

-[audience laughing]

[laughing]

I've never said that on stage.

Or anywhere else.

Sorry, Sheryl.

[laughter]

That's it, I'll make it a man cave.

Or, for the lesbians, a Barbie Dreamhouse.

-[cheering and applause]

-It's already pink.

-How long have you guys been together?

-[Jesse] Eleven years.

Eleven.

And you have kids together?

Did you meet online or did you meet,

like, people out in person?

-Real life.

-Real life?!

[Jesse] Yeah.

[cheering and applause]

They're the ones!

Is there-- Can anybody beat that?

Can anybody beat 11 years?

Been together longer?

How long?

Oh, he just looked to his wife.

[laughter]

"How long? I raised my hand

because I knew it was longer than 11.

But after that, I got stuck."

How long you've been married, ma'am?

-[audience member] Twenty-nine.

-She knows exactly.

When's your anniversary?

Tell that number. Tell-- What's the date?

[husband] Uh, September...

-[audience laughing]

-Do-- Y'all didn't see what happened.

Y'all didn't see what happened.

I said, "When's your anniversary?"

Figuring she'll say it,

and then, that will help him

for the next anniversary coming up.

And she immediately

threw his a*s under the bus.

-[laughter and applause]

-She-- "When's your anniversary?"

She went--

"Back to you in studio, Jim."

[laughter]

Just let you hang and twist in the wind.

It's September 29th, do you know that now?

-[husband] Story of my life.

-Oh, I know, but she loves you.

-[husband] I think so.

-Yeah, she-- 29 years, I'm guessing.

She put up with my sh*t.

[Lisa] Well, or she's got

a life insurance policy.

-It's always like--

-[laughter]

If you watch any m*rder porn,

that's always the story.

"I didn't know there was

a life insurance policy." [chuckles]

I watch so much m*rder porn, you guys.

Seriously, it's why I--

It's why I don't go out.

I just stay home and watch--

Friday nights-- By the way,

are there any single women in here?

-[cheering and applause]

-All-- All you do is watch--

And on Friday night,

there's Dateline on one channel,

on the other one, it's 20/20,

I flip back and forth.

It's always the f*ck' husband.

It's always--

Some lady gets offed, it's always the dude

with an insurance policy.

So, that's why I don't go out.

I stay home and watch Dateline,

or as I like to call it,

"Why I Don't Dateline."

[laughter]

I gotta tell you,

when I see stories like this,

this beautiful c-couple,

Jesse and Kelsey,

and-- and you guys back here,

when I see that, I'm like,

this is what people look like

that are out there in the world

meeting and being together,

and it doesn't happen like that in LA

'cause everybody's an as*h*le.

Seriously!

There's so many spoiled people,

and that's 'cause everybody--

It's unrealistic.

All the beautiful women all over America,

as soon as she becomes prom queen,

everybody tells her,

"You should go be an actress."

So she does!

And five of 'em make it,

and the rest of 'em

are, like, dental hygienists,

doing regular jobs,

f*cking up the bell curve of beauty

for everybody else.

So, all the men are spoiled dicks.

The women are selfish, too,

'cause they all wanted to be actress

and got disappointed

'cause now they're stuck

marrying some third-rate producer.

So, everybody's a jerk to each other,

and now you're trying to--

There-- Every couple you see

is, like, some 70-year-old guy

with some 24-year-old girl

with three-year-old t*ts

and lips that still have

the tag hanging off of 'em.

[laughter]

And he always is bragging her up,

like, "She's so smart, really.

She designs purses."

Shut the f*ck up!

She does not design purses.

She's a f*ck' idiot,

and so are you, Cryptkeeper.

And the women get--

You know, it's unfair

'cause beautiful women are there single.

Case in point.

-Beautiful--

-[audience cheering]

Beautiful women are out there--

But seriously,

some of 'em get really desperate,

and they're out, like,

getting all the surgery.

Like, you got grandmas in Beverly Hills

with desperation neck, like this.

"I gotta get a man!"

And bone-thin yoga arms.

All the grandmas have

skinny-a*s, bone-thin yoga arms.

Gro-- Grandmas should not have

bone-thin yoga arms.

I'm East Coast Italian, okay?

-[audience member] Yes!

-Grandmas should have big, fat,

mama jama arms.

[cheering and applause]

Right? You could take

a little rest on if you got tired,

or you could hang off of 'em

and swing if you wanted to play,

or if she's driving you around

and she stops short,

she could clothesline your a*s,

and the arm fat works as an airbag.

That's how big a grandma arm should be.

[audience members] Yes!

People out there trying to--

The first time I went online

to try to meet people--

This was before Abbott, right?

I was just out there

in the world, anonymous.

And-- And the first guy

that reached out to me

asked me two questions.

He said, uh, "How-- How old are you

and how much do you weigh?"

[audience gasping]

Right?

First of all, how old am I?

Cut me open

and count the rings, m*therf*cker.

-Oh, my God.

-[laughter and applause]

I am "Ow, my sciatica" years old.

That's how old I--

I am "It just took me 45 minutes

to find parking for this club.

"I just got inside.

I'm already counting the minutes

'til I get

my bra and shoes off" years old.

"How much do you weigh?"

That's because back when

we were coming up,

women had to be skinny.

The young people are smart,

they got body positivity.

You could be all sizes.

And now I finally love

my big, fat Sicilian a*s

-'cause b-- My--

-[audience cheering]

b*tches payin' big money

for this sh*t now.

Back then, I didn't.

And I was, like, always self-loathing

because I was full-figured.

And I think it's 'cause people

were allowed to be, like, prejudiced

against people with, with figures

because everybody had to be skinny.

Right? Remember back in those days?

I think we should've had a slogan

like the g*y community came up with

so we could, like,

tell people, "f*ck off."

-Like, g*y people had a great slogan...

-[laughter]

...ever since Stonewall.

Like--

It-It went like this,

"We're here, we're q*eer,

-get used to it." Yeah.

-[audience member] Get used to it.

"We're here, we're q*eer, get used to it."

And I think that us full people

should have something like that.

Like, "We're fat, that's that,

get me a pizza."

[laughter, cheering]

I'm still workin' on it.

I'm-I'm workshopping it.

-[audience member] You got it!

-That's-- I'm, I'm close.

-I think I'm on my way.

-[audience member] You got it.

[audience laughing]

I don't ever wanna go anywhere, you guys.

I wanna stay home.

I wanna stay home

with my g*y ex-husband.

That's what we do.

That's what we do!

We sit around--

I can't wait.

When I get home on Sunday night,

he's already texting me,

"What time you back?"

'Cause he wants to know

if we're gonna watch it live,

or we're gonna tape the--

watch the recording of 90 Day Fianc.

-[audience cheering]

-That's what we do.

Guys that I was, uh,

looking to, to go out with,

um, that don't watch

the-- the shows with me,

like the regular, normal guys,

they always wanna take you, uh, hiking.

That's the big thing in LA,

they wanna take you hiking.

And I'm like, "You're not getting me

with that. That's free. f*ck you."

[laughter and clapping]

You gotta pay.

And it's ugly. It's ugly out there.

It's not like here, where it's beautiful.

It's all just brown dirt,

and I don't wanna go hiking.

And I don't wanna eat sushi.

I'm not a sushi girl. I said it.

-[scattered cheering]

-I don't like it. Thank you.

Thank you, non-sushi people.

I just-- I think it tastes like ocean.

I don't like it.

I don't want to eat anything

that tastes like ocean.

You can't convince me

that a raw oyster is a good idea.

You can't convince me.

Seriously. I know.

People, it's like, it's a delicacy.

No, here's what happened.

Back when we had

not readily available food sources,

we would just eat any old thing,

and if it didn't k*ll us, that was food.

And then they went through a series--

They tried everything.

They gave it

to whoever was in the back of the cave.

They gave it to Moogaboo.

[laughter]

And if it didn't k*ll Moogaboo,

that was food!

They tried all of it.

They gave him every leaf in the woods.

"Just try this one."

"Mmm, basil, food."

"What's this one?"

"Mmm, hemlock--" Boop, dead.

[laughter]

And that's what they did.

They went through all of the stuff.

And we don't have to do that sh*t anymore

because there is a Wawa on every corner.

[cheering and applause]

We don't have to eat stuff

that's not food.

And everybody's creative now

'cause everybody's been watching The Bear.

-So, everybody--

-[audience cheering]

Everybody's "Yes, chef"-ing it

all day long.

Getting all,

"Oh, you gotta watch all the videos

of people adding

crazy sh*t to their food."

I watched somebody

make spaghetti out of spaghetti.

-Did you see that video?

-[audience member] Yup.

I was insulted!

Find something better to do

with your time, you dilly b*tch.

[laughter]

[audience member] Amen!

It's just so f*ck' stupid!

They got you-- everybody convinced

that they should put lavender on desserts.

They got you convinced

you should pay extra for that sh*t.

It's soap!

You're making me eat soap!

It's eighteen bucks for a bowl

of ice cream with Fabuloso on it.

[cheering and applause]

Keep it!

[laughter]

[audience cheering]

I don't know why I can't find a fella.

Guys who reached out to me online

now were, uh--

They-- They were, like, throwing out lines

like, "Here's something that'll get her."

And in LA, it was really freaky.

Like, guy that--

One guy reached out and said,

"You know, what I'm really into

is mindfulness and Reiki."

[laughter]

And I'm like, "I didn't understand

either half of that sentence, sir."

I mean, I know what mindfulness is

'cause my kids told me,

but I've seen the way I eat,

and I'm pretty sure I don't practice it.

[laughter]

I'm like, "What's Reiki?"

He said... [in California accent]

"It's a very intense massage technique.

"What you do

is you don't actually touch the body.

You hover the hands over the body,

and you transmit energy to--"

[normal] Meanwhile,

I never talked to this gentleman,

I'm just assuming

this is what he sounded like.

[California accent] "You transmit energy.

It's extremely intense.

It's very expensive

and difficult to learn."

[normal voice] I said, "You know,

I can get not touched for free."

[laughter]

Practice mindfulness and Reiki?

Why don't you practice cunnilingus,

you idiot?

[audience cheering and applauding]

Lesbians know.

Just do the alphabet, sir.

Had a guy reach out

and he said this to me,

he, uh, wrote, uh,

"Hey, I just got my pilot's license.

Why don't you come on over

and I'll take you up?"

"No!"

You just got your pilot's license?

And I'm the experiment?

[laughter]

I mean, listen, if I'm going--

This is life or death!

I'm not gonna go

to get gallbladder surgery

from a weekend hobbyist.

I'm really sorry

about your midlife crisis,

but I don't wanna play Russian roulette

in your Cessna, Greg.

I had a-- a-- a guy read--

A lot of guys, actually, not just one,

a whole bunch of guys that I saw

posted every picture of their motorcycle.

Every single one.

Which is fine. You're telling me

what your-- This is your hobby.

I love it. I dig it.

But I don't need every picture.

And I'm talking about every single--

The guy on the bike,

the guy next to the bike,

guy riding down the highway

waving to his friend, also on a bike.

Every guy that--

I wanna ride you, not the bike.

I don't give a sh*t.

[laughter and scattered applause]

But he's all proud.

I know he's bragging about it.

And I get it, man,

your b*tch ex-wife wouldn't let you ride,

and now you get to play

let's pretend Sons of Anarchy.

Take it easy, you are not Jax Teller

keeping Charming safe

from the Irish kings, okay?

You're Gary Rosenbaum, DDS...

[audience laughing]

...keeping Bala Cynwyd safe

from gingivitis.

[laughter and applause]

You wanna impress me?

I don't need to see 47 pictures

of your Harley Softail.

One profile shot without the hat

so I can see

what I'm dealing with hairline-wise.

That's all I want.

Ugh.

I had a young boyfriend for a while

after the divorce.

I didn't want to, but, uh,

I was divorced in LA, and that's the law.

[laughter]

So, I did, and, uh, he was charming.

He was a very, uh... [stammering]

very enthusiastic.

Young boyfriends, it's very--

It's like having a-- a puppy...

[laughter]

...with a-- with an iPad

and a 24-hour hard-on. Just--

Seriously, I was always just like,

"Did I fall asleep on the remote?

Oh, that's your d*ck."

[laughter]

He was very aggressive in-- with my area.

Just very,

"I'm intent on making this happen."

I'm like, "Let's back off."

It's not-- They-- They're very--

I think it's gaming.

They're very target-oriented.

Like, "I'm going for that button!"

I'm like, "This is not World of Warcraft."

It's like, "Don't-- Quit going at me

like I'm a vending machine

that took your change."

[laughter]

I didn't care that we broke up.

I was tired

of sending him off in the morning

with a bag full of Cheerios.

I don't give a sh*t.

With his snack. [laughs]

But my girlfriends got mad

when we broke up.

Girls are girls,

they'll just be mad on your behalf.

Like, "You don't need him! Stop crying!"

You know, all your girlfriends

turn into Cookie Lyon from Empire...

[audience members cheering]

-...after a breakup--

-[audience member] Oh, my God.

Thank you, five white people

who knew that show.

[laughter and applause]

Just, "You don't need him, girl.

"He wasn't sh*t. He. Was. Not. sh*t!

Stop crying. You don't need him.

You got them-- You got them four kids."

[Lisa snorting]

[audience laughing]

[cheering and applause]

[Lisa laughing]

"You'll never be lonely.

[laughter]

"Got them four kids--

You've got that career.

You don't need him, girl.

You can take care of your own needs."

I'm like, "Yeah, but I've been

taking care of my own needs so long,

I got carpal tunnel syndrome."

[laughter]

It was a masturbation joke, Eric.

See, look at--

The women are like, "Oh."

We don't talk about it.

Women do not talk about it.

It could be your closest girlfriend.

You're not talking about--

"Listen, I just gotta--

It's an early night for me.

I gotta go whack the legend."

Like, you don't... you don't talk--

We don't talk about it, and we should

because it's something

we can do better than you guys.

Seriously! Seventy-seven cents

we still make on your dollar,

but 43 times in one day, that's my record.

[cheering and applause]

[Lisa chuckling]

The women cheering. The guys are like,

"She belongs in the circus."

[laughter]

I don't give a sh*t.

We don't talk about it 'cause

we don't have cute names for it either.

Like, men--

You've been talking about it longer

'cause you're celebrated

for your sexuality.

So, you've come up with cute names.

Nobody's going to get mad and call HR.

You could be with your guy at work like,

"What are you doing this weekend, Jim?"

"I'm shaking hands

with a bald-headed champ.

That's what I'm doing. Hey!"

Nobody gets mad.

We should come up with cute names

so we could brag about it.

Like,

"What are you doing this weekend, Marge?"

"I'm wetting down the old slip and slide.

That's what I'm doing."

[laughter and clapping]

"I'm feather dustin' the Oval Office."

[audience members cheering]

Hey!

"I am finger painting

my Georgia O'Keeffe."

[laughter]

Ooh, art lovers!

Okay, one more. One more,

and then we close it out, alright?

"What are you doing this weekend, Marge?"

"I'm teaching sign language

to my downstairs neighbor."

-[Lisa laughing]

-[cheering and applause]

That's the winner!

Alright. Okay, you guys ready

for your big, surprise musical closer?

[cheering and applause]

So, here's what happened.

About, um, I don't know,

I guess about a little over a year ago,

I was so tired of doing interviews

where I had to tell my story.

Like, I'm like, I, I don't wanna

hear myself talk anymore,

except in front of you people.

I just got bored with it.

And so, the idea was, uh, how to shorten

telling the story of my career.

So, we decided to do it in a song.

-And... here it is.

-[audience cheering]

[cheering and applause]

Alright. You ready?

[rock guitar music playing]

A two, three, four.

I was in a movie back in '97

Called The Parent Trap

[cheering and applause]

[mouthing] Thank you.

Two, three.

You might've seen it once or twice

if you're a '90s kid

Or a thousand times if you're g*y

[audience cheering]

You wear some khakis

and a denim jacket

And offer unconditional love

Then 25 years later,

read a thread on Reddit

I'm an inspiration

for a whole q*eer generation

[audience cheering]

It was an accident

[laughter]

[both singing]

Nancy Meyers didn't write Chessy g*y

It was an accident

[laughter]

Because it's clear that Chessy was g*y

Chessy and the butler

were bearding for each other

While babysitting Lindsay Lohan

It was an accident

I'm inadvertently a q*eer icon

[audience cheering]

It was an accident

What happened next

after that massive success?

Did you have

offers coming in by the ton?

Oh, hell yeah

I did an NBC sitcom

with Emeril Lagasse

And a magic show on VH1

[laughter]

It was called Celebracadabra.

It was! I pulled sh*t out of a hat.

[laughter]

I made stuff disappear, Jesse...

most notably, my career.

[laughter]

-Hey, that's not true. You did a lot of--

-Poof!

No, you did a lot of stuff after that.

Oh, I did do. I did do some stuff.

Let's see.

I was, um, sexy feminist executive

in a little-known art film

called Farm Sluts.

[audience cheering]

Oh, yeah.

Everybody remembers that one.

I played woman who couldn't stop cumming

on the hit show Nip/Tuck.

[audience cheering]

That sounds fun.

Ah, 43 times!

[cheering and applause]

I created a dance/weight loss show

called Dance Your a*s Off

for the Oxygen Network,

now known exclusively for m*rder porn.

[laughter and applause]

What else?

There was one more thing that I did.

-You did a Lifetime--

-Oh, I did so many things. So many--

-Oh, I did a Lifetime movie!

-You did a Lifetime movie.

I did!

Called Psycho Stripper.

[cheering and applause]

Yeah, thanks for the pity applause.

[laughter]

I had to raise a family in Los Angeles.

It was expensive!

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I did a whole lot of sh*t.

And then I wound up on a little show

called Abbott Elementary.

[audience cheering and applauding]

[rock guitar music continues]

[cheering and applause continues]

How'd that happen?

It was an accident!

[laughter]

You never know when it's gonna come

It was an accident

[both singing]

Uh, thank you ABC and Quinta Brunson

[audience cheering]

I wish that I could say

all the jobs along the way

Helped to build my self-worth

But they were accidents

[laughter]

-At least I never sucked a d*ck

-At least she never sucked a d*ck

[both]

To get work

That you know of

[chuckling]

It was an accident

-Dance break.

-Oh, yeah.

[audience cheering]

[Lisa] Nope. Nope. Nope.

[laughter]

You-- You alright?

-[Lisa] Yea-- Well, t*ts, first of all.

-Oh.

[laughter]

Second of all, it's a bodysuit,

right up my crack, right up there.

-Goddamnit SKIMS, alright.

-Okay.

g*dd*mn Kardashians.

[rock guitar music resumes playing]

Wow, Lisa...

what a storied career you've had.

-Right, ladies and gentlemen?

-Ah, no pressure.

[audience cheering]

They already cheered.

They already cheered.

-But I wanted to ask--

-Thank you.

But I wanted to ask you

about the most important job.

Huh?

Motherhood.

My kids were accidents!

[laughter]

A The Today sponge was on my thigh

-What's that?

-A prophylactic

Oh!

[both singing]

Uh, banned for being faulty since 1985

I was pregnant doing movies

Pregnant on TV

I was pregnant doing stand-up in bars

My kids were accidents

[laughter]

And now one of them is playing guitar

[audience cheering]

Ooh, I was an accident!

I was an accident

Yeah, I was an accident

[cheering and applause]

-A shameful accident

-No!

A happy, happy, happy accident

Thanks, Mom.

[laughter]

I was an accident

[audience cheering]

He wet the bed 'til he was 13

He was an--

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

[laughter and applause continues]

[sighs]

It was an accident

[rock guitar music resumes]

I thought you said you weren't

gonna talk about the peeing

That's a loose rhyme,

-ladies and gentle--

-Very loose rhyme.

[both singing]

It was an accident

Hey, all my kids were accidents

I was an accident!

Had one on The Today sponge

And another one on birth control

Another one on a rubber

-I didn't need all that information.

-Sorry.

It was an accident

[laughing]

Hey, some of you are accidents

Most of you are accidents

Oh, all of you are accidents.

You look like an accident

Life is just an accident

None of this means anything.

[both]

Clap if you're an accident

[audience clapping rhythmically]

We are all just accidents

Most of life is silly accidents

Some of it works out.

I had so many accidents

You're gonna sing this song

for three days.

It was an accident

It's gonna haunt your dreams.

It was an accident

How good is my kid, though?

Hey, hey, it was just an accident

We're done with this song.

Two, three, four.

It was an accident

[cheering and applause]

My son, Jordan Baum!

My mom, Lisa Ann Walter!

[cheering and applause continues]

I love you, Philadelphia!

See you next time!

Thank you for coming out.

Good night!

Sheryl told me that I have

to get up every morning

and say these words:

Everything always works out for me.

-Yes!

-But I say it like Sheryl. I say...

[mimicking Sheryl] Everything...

always... works out... for me.

That's it. Less pause in between.

-Okay.

-Less pause.

-Okay, go ahead, do it.

-Yes.

Everything... always...

works out... for me.

Oh, my God, I said it

just the same way as you.

[Lisa] Sorry.

[both laughing]

[upbeat rock music playing]