[wind whistling]
["Mistletoe" by Justin Bieber playing]
It's the most beautiful
Time of the year
Lights fill the streets
Spreading so much cheer
I should be playing in the winter snow
But I'ma be under the mistletoe
I don't wanna miss out on the holiday...
[audience cheering]
Hello, everybody! Hello! Hello! Hello!
Good to see ya!
Thank you for coming!
Thank you. Thank you.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Thank you for being here.
Thank you so much. Wow!
You guys look great!
[chuckling]
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Oh, this is awesome, man.
Thank you guys so much for being
a part of our Christmas special.
It just felt right to do an entire show
dedicated to the best holiday of the year.
And you know I had to come film it
at the Christmas capital of the world.
[audience laughing]
Tempe, Arizona. [chuckles]
[audience cheering]
Ah. [chuckling]
Why not, right?
What else is going on here?
How do you even know Christmas
has began in Arizona?
This makes no sense.
It looks the same year-round.
I just can't imagine
hanging up Christmas lights
when it's 85 degrees and sunny outside.
Whole town just looks like
a f*cking Margaritaville.
That's just so different for me.
I grew up-- I... I'm from Ohio,
- so like, I love...
- [audience cheers]
I love a white Christmas, dude.
I'm sure a Black Christmas is fun too.
I'm... I'm sure it's...
I'm sure it's equally as fun.
I've just never been invited.
Christmas is fun, but Black holidays
are... are... are second best.
I'll give it... I'll give it that.
Juneteenth, that's a newer one. Thank you.
Friday.
[audience laughing]
Black Friday.
[chuckling]
Ash Wednesday.
[audience groaning]
[Matt] But aside...
[chuckling] Black holidays
just don't have a Santa.
That's the only thing
keeping them from being number one.
I love Santa Claus, dude.
When you're a child,
Santa's everything, man.
Until he's not.
Do you remember when you found out
Santa wasn't real?
Spoiler alert. Yeah. Took a chunk
out of your childhood, didn't it?
It k*lled a little piece of you.
It's different with every person, right?
How you find out about Santa.
For some people,
it's more scarring than others.
For most boys, it's usually
around the same time.
It's about 10 to 11 years old.
It's usually around the same time
you learn how to masturbate.
It's kind of coincidentally.
It's obvious too. Your Christmas list
starts to look a little different.
You're like, socks. All socks this time.
As many... As many socks
as you want to bring me.
They will... They will get used.
[audience laughing]
That changes everything when you find out
your parents are Santa Claus.
You're like, "My Christmas is
in the hands of these people?"
You start paying a lot closer attention
to the family's financial situation.
You're like, Mom's home a lot.
Shouldn't this be a two-income house?
Turn these lights off.
Nobody's even in this room.
Just wasting money.
[sighs]
Because then I feel like
it does become about money.
I have a theory.
As I got older, I developed a theory
that you only get to believe in Santa
for as long as you can afford to.
[audience laughing]
Think about it. When you're younger,
you just want cheap sh*t, right?
Some little race cars.
Some little action figures.
Cheap stuff you can buy in abundance.
It's not going to break the bank.
You can wake up Christmas morning,
like, "How did I get all these toys?"
And your parents can be like,
"Must be magic."
It's like $80. Not that big of a deal.
Around the same time
you hit 10, 11 years old,
they see an Xbox on my Christmas list
and they're like,
"Oh, we... we gotta tell him."
"That's..." [exhales heavily]
Because what's easier to believe?
That Santa got caught at the border,
and the tariffs are keeping you
from getting an Xbox?
[audience laughing]
Or that none of this is real,
and divorce is on the horizon, you know.
Not everything's as magical as it seems.
I... I really do believe
that you get to believe in Santa
for as long as you can afford to.
I bet the Kardashians
still believe in Santa.
[audience laughing]
Why not? They can definitely afford to.
They have so much money.
I bet to this day, every year, a man comes
down the chimney dressed up as
a woman.
- [audience laughing]
- I'd be willing to bet.
[chuckling] I would be...
Cool.
[audience cheering, applauding]
An applause break for Trana Claus?
That's uh... That's...
That's awfully telling, Arizona.
[audience laughing]
Bro, how many Black Santas have been
in the Kardashian house? Like, each year?
I've never had a Black Santa,
but it... it sounds like a good time.
But also, can you imagine Lamar Odom
as Santa Claus?
Bro, I know that's
a little older of a reference.
If you don't know who Lamar Odom is,
he's the huge Black basketball player
that Khloe Kardashian used to
look like.
- [audience laughing]
- Um...
Yeah, she's... she's had a little
Christmas magic done, just a little bit.
But once the magic of Santa Claus
is out the window,
I kind of feel like it's
up to your friends and family
to keep that Christmas spirit alive.
I think that happens
via traditions, right?
The things you guys do together
collectively for the holidays.
And growing up, I didn't really realize
the traditions I was missing out on.
We had a very normal Christmas.
It was never anything
extravagant and amazing,
but it was never a bad Christmas.
You'd wake up, you do stockings,
open your gifts,
play with your gifts till dinner's done.
That's pretty much it.
It's a great Christmas.
Very blessed to have that.
I got older, found out the kind of things
my friends were doing,
and I was like, I feel like I missed out
on a lot of Christmas.
So one of the things I wanted to talk
to you guys tonight about was
I want to get to know some
of your family Christmas traditions
because I'm getting older. I'm 30.
I want to... I want to have a family,
get married, have kids,
and I want to have some fun traditions
to pass down to them
that they can then pass down
to their kids someday.
So I'm curious
if there's anybody here tonight
who has any fun
family Christmas traditions
that I could then pass down to my kids
to make my family
better than yours someday.
[audience laughing]
In the back there?
[woman] We play an adult White Elephant.
An adult White Elephant.
So one of the things that we do,
like some of the gifts that we give,
um, like one year
somebody got, like, a weenie soap.
You gave, like, a d*ck soap.
Like it's the shape of a d*ck?
No, it's just a round...
just a round thing that cleans... like...
- [Matt] It's just a circular thing?
- Yes, yes.
- Oh, but that's dumb.
- [woman] Right?
Get a full d*ck-shaped soap.
So that way, people have to go,
"All right." [groans]
[audience laughing]
[exhales heavily]
[mutters]
Okay, now a White Elephant
is the one where it's, like,
everybody puts in a gift,
and then you have a chance to steal it.
- [woman] Right.
- Right?
Okay. Is there a Black Elephant?
[audience laughing]
[Matt] No?
Maybe one where the gifts
start out stolen?
[audience laughing]
Hey, that's my... Not anymore. Not anymore.
[laughing]
That's so stupid.
- That's so dumb.
- One year, Grandma got the p*nis soap.
Grandma got the p*nis soap?
That's a way better Christmas song
than "Ran Over by a Reindeer," by the way.
[audience laughing]
[Matt chuckling] Okay.
That's a... That's a great tradition.
- What's another one?
- [woman] Shavonda.
Hold on, he raised his hand
like a good person. Hold on.
[audience laughing]
- What's your tradition?
- Uh, we come together as a family.
You come together as a family. Like...
- [man] Um...
- [audience laughing]
All right, guys, on three.
One!
Two! No, Grandpa's not ready.
Grandpa's not ready.
Hold, hold, hold, hold!
Hold. Come on now. Patience, patience!
[chuckling]
- You mean you gather for the holidays?
- [man] Yes.
You gotta work on how you say that.
[audience laughing]
[laughing] Okay.
Everybody just picks a spot on the tree.
[audience laughing]
Everybody find a bulb.
[chuckling] Okay. So the whole family
just comes together for Christmas.
Yeah, but it usually breaks out
into an argument, and--
[Matt] Breaks out into an argument?
- Who caused the biggest fight last year?
- [man] Uh, my...
- My grand... my grandpa.
- Who do you think?
- Your grandpa? How would I know that?
- [man chuckling] He got...
What... What did he...
What was he upset about?
He collapsed.
[Matt] Collapsed?
Uh, he got taken in an ambulance, but...
He got taken in an ambulance?
You guys waited too long!
[audience laughing]
I held it back,
and it turned into a hernia.
All right, family coming together.
I feel like that's pretty standard.
What else we got? Let's do it.
Uh, the for sure g*y man
with... with the tattoos on his arm.
Every, uh, Christmas Eve, I would read,
uh, "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"
to my kids, but I would change
the... the words in the book.
You'd read "'Twas the Night
Before Christmas" to your kids,
but change the words in the book.
- What's your accent?
- [man] English.
English. Nice, okay.
Original Christmas.
You're... You're Mad Libbing
this book to your kids?
'Twas the night before...
Give me an example of something.
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even the bailiffs.
Not even the bailiffs.
Because the house is a prison.
[audience laughing]
[Matt] Okay.
Um, you know what?
I like... I like a British tradition.
This is a... This is
a new aspect of the show.
I've been to England a lot.
I have a lot of fun there.
The shows are very good.
The people have always been good.
You guys are just a little weird.
[audience laughing]
But very good traditions.
I don't know if you guys know this,
but when you... you come inside
of a British girl,
they call it a "shepherd's pie."
[audience laughing]
Yeah. It's um...
It's delicious, but it's not
for everybody, for sure. It's...
It's a little gamy.
But, um, okay.
What else we got?
What's another good tradition?
In the red here?
My family does, um, a Christmas trivia,
stuff like Christmas questions. Like--
Christmas questions.
Who k*lled Jesus?
[audience laughing]
Kanye's like...
[audience laughing]
"I got an idea."
"I'm not going to say who it is."
"It was the Jews."
[chuckling] It was...
I like that though.
The whole family plays?
[woman] It's pretty fun.
And then our prize for each question
is a different level of lottery ticket.
- Oh, you win a prize with every question.
- Yes.
It's not just a point system.
Yeah, so it goes from, like,
$1, $5, $10, $25,
$50, and I think $100 lottery ticket.
[Matt] Oh, no way.
Like, can you give me an example
of like a $100 Christmas question?
I don't know right now.
[audience laughing]
I'm just now really hearing your voice,
and I don't like it.
[audience laughing]
Everything sounded...
I don't know if the back can hear,
but count your blessings.
This is a very... a very...
I said give me an example
of a $100 question.
She goes...
[nasally] ..."I don't really know."
[chuckling] That's caught me...
You didn't sound like that the first half
of this conversation. I'm sorry.
Caught me very off guard.
You put me on the spot.
You raised your hand.
[audience laughing]
[Matt] Am I crazy?
Moving on.
No, I do like that. My kids are definitely
getting trivia. Okay.
What's another family tradition?
I'll go front here.
[woman] We make tamales.
You make tamales.
Really?
Okay. What, um... What's your nationality?
Uh, I'm Hispanic.
Which one?
[audience laughing]
I don't know. I don't know my father.
You don't know your father? Oh my God.
I was like, "No way."
Hispanic and half Black?
That's amazing.
No, I'm kidding. Kidding.
Just... Just kidding.
Just kidding.
Just kidding.
- You really don't know your dad?
- No, I do.
You do. Okay, don't...
Now you made me r*cist for no reason.
I'm Mexican. We never... We don't--
Mexican. You know what?
That's actually great to be Mexican
for Christmas in Arizona.
You don't have to worry about ice.
That's great.
Okay, tamales. I love... I love a tamale.
I ate the husks until I was about 13.
[audience laughing]
I had... I had no idea.
As a white person going
to a... a Mexican friend's house,
I was like, "Yeah, the tamales are good,
but they're f*cking hard to bite through."
And they're like, "No, you gotta...
you gotta peel it back, dude."
I was like, "Oh, all right, got it."
We're trying so hard
to hang on by a thread to keep it going
because the next generation,
they just can't do it the right way.
They're like, their fingers are hurting.
They're complaining about labor.
- Having to go through--
- [Matt] Hold on.
Mexicans complaining about hard work?
What's happening to this world, man?
This generation's doomed, man.
It's because they all married white boys.
- [Matt] They all married white boys.
- Yeah. We're mixing it up.
My kids have green eyes.
Your kids have green eyes.
You... You married a white guy.
- Yeah.
- So you're part of the problem.
[audience laughing]
Where's your... Where's your husband now?
Oh, I don't have one anymore.
You don't have one anymore?
Oh my God.
He was white. My family didn't like him.
He was white. Your family didn't like him.
It's good to know racism's... racism's,
you know, all the way around, you know?
[audience laughing]
Oh boy. You would love my boy, Kyle.
He's in here. He's one...
He's one of the camera ops in here.
Kyle loves Latinas.
He's... He's... He's a...
He's a white guy, but he is about it.
- I promise.
- [woman] Tell him I said what's up.
He's... He's very cute. He's, uh...
Kyle's f*cked so many Latinas
his d*ck's permanently a hot Cheeto.
Like, he... he loves that sh*t, man.
- Tell him I said what's up.
- I'll tell him.
I'll see him after the show.
All right, don't be open to it
and not really be about it, okay?
He's the real deal.
I want him to find love,
and I know he wants a Latina.
He won't even eat your a*s unless
you put Tajn around the rim. Like, he's...
[audience laughing]
He's the real deal.
All right, I'll see what I can do.
f*ck it. Kyle?
Oh, hilarious, he's right there.
[audience laughing]
[laughing]
All right, well,
it's an open invitation, all right?
It's a Christmas miracle. Thank you.
[chuckling] It's a Christmas miracle.
No problem.
[chuckling] I'm going to go
with the blue bow right here.
Okay, we do Hanukkah,
but we do Hanukkah pajamas.
Hanukkah, but Hanukkah pajamas.
Are they striped?
[audience laughing, groaning]
[Matt chuckling]
Bunch of Christians. They don't...
[audience laughing]
They don't get it.
I feel like I just ruined
a whole tradition for you guys.
You gotta take history into account
for a lot of these traditions.
When did this start?
Ever since you were a kid?
- No, I started it when I became a mom.
- Oh, when you were a mom. You started it.
I love that. I love seeing
the first person to start something new.
That's what I'm trying to do myself.
How many kids do you have?
Um, five-ish.
Five-ish?
[audience laughing]
What does that mean?
Um, one of them died.
One of them... Aw, you b*tch.
- [audience reacts]
- [Matt groans]
Here's why I don't feel bad.
She delivered it with such a sense
of humor and a smile on her face.
I love this is somebody who's taken
a traumatic situation
and now's found beauty in it
and can have a sense of humor about it.
Thank you for coming to a comedy show
with that kind of energy.
- [applause]
- I appreciate it.
Okay, matching pajamas.
That's a great tradition.
What's another one?
[woman chuckling] Kwanzaa.
- Kwanzaa right there? No way!
- [woman] Yeah.
I've never met a Kwanzaanian before.
I have no idea
how you would even say that.
I don't know anything about it.
Will you please walk me through
what it's about?
So, Kwanzaa was invented
by a Black guy that was like,
"f*ck Christmas. We need our own sh*t."
It was invented by a Black guy who said,
"f*ck Christmas. We need our own sh*t."
- I mean, basically.
- Okay, no, that's fine. I get it.
They pulled from everywhere.
There was a splash of Hanukkah,
so there's a kinara. It has candles.
Oh wow. But there's no...
there's no Santa Claus.
- [woman] No. No.
- No. Is there a figure of... of Kwanzaa?
No.
[Matt] What?
No, there isn't.
Man, there should be.
Just a Black guy with a beard.
He's dressed in South Pole.
[woman laughing]
You guys remember South Pole,
the clothing brand?
Oh, bruh, if you had some South Pole
and some Phat Farms in, like, 2007,
you were k*lling it, man.
Huh.
So what is the celebration
that is happening, then?
So each day has a different meaning,
uh, and a different word.
So one day is, like, "unity,"
one is "community," one is "family."
[Matt] Oh.
I don't even have them all memorized, but...
So there is like a little table
that you put up
and there's different things that
represent the struggles of Black people,
and there's corn on it and harvest, and...
This sounds like something
not that fun for me.
Okay.
[woman chuckling]
And today's Black struggle is...
Ooh, another one?
[audience laughing]
Oh man.
[chuckling] Oh sh*t.
- But there's... there's a word for each day.
- Yes, there is.
Oh. Which one's the *-word?
- Which day?
- Nia. Nia.
[Matt] Wait, which one?
- [woman] Nia.
- Nia? Can I even say that?
Do we gotta bleep that?
Okay, you can say that one?
Phew. Okay.
We almost had to... We almost had to end
the entire show right now.
The day of Nia.
Which means...
- Google it.
- Google it?
[audience laughing]
- It's that bad?
- [chuckles] No, I just don't remember it.
Oh, I thought you were saying
Nia stood for the *-word,
and I was like... I was like don't let that
be a different version of it, and I...
now my whole life's over.
[audience laughing]
God, you were just saying there is one
that starts with an N.
Got it.
Phew. Okay.
Thank you.
My Nia. All right.
[audience laughing]
[Matt groans]
[chuckling] Scared me to death.
Whoo! All right.
Moving on.
[audience laughing]
This is good.
This is a learning experience.
I've never met somebody
who celebrated Kwanzaa before.
This is awesome. Thank you for being here.
So we have Kwanzaa, Hanukkah,
any... any Muslims here?
Oh, right here? For real?
Oh, no way! Nice!
- What's up, y'all? How you guys doing?
- [men] Good, and you?
You guys do Christmas as well?
- Like the Santa version?
- We have our own. It's called Eid.
- [Matt] Eid.
- Yeah.
What do you guys do for that celebration?
Um, the biggest thing is,
uh, prayer usually.
- Prayer.
- Uh, it's like a community-led prayer.
- Community leads the prayer.
- Yeah.
No gifts at all?
Uh, money.
- Money?
- [man] Yeah.
Feels very Jewish.
- [audience laughing]
- So you... Huh.
Okay.
Interestingly enough, in 2030,
Eid and Christmas will be on the same day.
In 2030, Eid and Christmas
will be on the same day.
Interesting.
So in 2030, for the first time,
a Muslim holiday and an American holiday
will be on the same day.
- [man] Yeah.
- Wow, that hasn't happened since 9/11.
[audience laughing, groaning]
[Matt] Huh.
Interesting.
I'm going to stay home
all of 2030, actually. No... No flights.
Everybody just stay where you're at.
[Matt chuckles] Mm.
You guys have your foreskin?
[audience laughing]
[Matt] No?
I know that's a crazy thing to ask,
but, like, if we're...
if we're learning, why not?
All right. Just curious about it.
Gone. Got it. Okay.
I don't care if you guys laugh tonight
or not, you learned something right now.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, that could have went either way.
I... I wouldn't have had a guess either way.
I'm kind of mad you guys miss out
on the presents aspect of...
Because for Christmas,
presents is the... is the best part, dude.
You wait all year
just to unwrap some presents, hopefully.
I've got to say,
as much as I looked forward
to getting presents as a kid,
now that I'm... I'm 30,
it feels so much better
to give a good gift.
See that expression light up
on their face?
Maybe it was something sentimental,
something you handmade.
Maybe it was something they needed
that they didn't even...
They didn't know you knew they need it.
So that surprise just lights them up.
I... I love that feeling now.
By far the best gift
I've ever given anybody.
I don't know how long you guys have been
fans of mine or what of mine you've seen,
but on my second YouTube special,
Matthew Steven Rife,
I told a story
about how I bought my grandpa
a pocket p*ssy for Christmas.
[audience laughing]
And he, um...
If you haven't seen it, he broke it...
[audience laughing]
...because he really enjoyed it.
So the next year I got him an even better
pocket p*ssy that was more durable.
And he had that one until the day he died
a few years ago.
But when he did die,
he passed it down to me.
So now I have the pocket p*ssy,
and we had him cremated
and put inside the pocket p*ssy.
So now every Christmas, we prop him up
on the mantel above the fireplace,
and it's like he's a part of the family
for Christmas still.
And in the spirit of Christmas,
it really wouldn't feel right
to leave him out of the festivities.
Uh, we do believe in reincarnation,
so we've... we've... we've renamed him Ashley.
[audience laughing]
And yeah, my grandpa
had just never been to Arizona.
You can tell the dry weather's getting
to him a little bit, but, um...
couldn't, uh... couldn't deprive him
of this... of this occasion.
[chuckling]
To this day, that's the best gift
I've ever given anybody.
The... The way he lit up when he opened it...
My mom knew about it too.
I told her 'cause I was laughing
about it too much.
We all thought his reaction
was gonna be like, "What the f*ck?"
But he was so sincerely like, "Thank you."
[audience laughing]
"Thank you."
And to this day, like, that's the reaction
I strive for every time I give a gift now.
So I'm... I'm curious
if there's anybody in here tonight
who has received or given a gift
to somebody or yourself
that resonated in a... a similar way.
Has anybody else gotten like an amazing
or absolutely terrible gift?
Right here.
My 16-year-old, I gave him lube.
You gave your 16-year-old lube?
Oh sh*t...
[audience laughing]
- Is he packing like that?
- Yeah.
Really? Wait, hold on. That was... Hold on.
That reaction was disgusting.
[chuckles] Come on.
I was like, "Oh, is your son packing
so much that he needs lube?"
And she goes, "Yeah, he, um..."
Have you seen it?
Well, he told me.
He told you? Well, what'd he say?
He just said his is very big.
Well, we all think that
until we... until we play a sport.
And then we go, "Oh."
[audience laughing]
I know why I'm not starting.
Okay.
Understandable.
He said, "Mine is very big."
Okay. I love the confidence.
He was using, like, I guess, soap?
He was using soap? No!
Oh my. Every guy has been in the shower
and been like...
[screams]
It's straight in your d*ck hole.
It's the worst pain.
It's what I imagine getting c*m
in your eye feels like as a woman.
Naturally, you're thinking,
"What do you do to help him?"
- So I bought this huge--
- What do you do to help him?
[audience laughing]
That's so thoughtful.
I added him to my Amazon account
so that he can order it whenever he wants.
It's added to her Amazon account
so he can reorder any time that he wants.
That's amazing.
Wow. How many... How many times
has he repurchased?
Probably five or six times.
Five or six times?
Oh my God.
It's gonna be f*cking calloused.
That's insane.
He's gonna be 18 now, so...
He's gonna be 18?
In two years,
he's gone through five bottles?
Where is he right now?
- At home.
- At home, f*cking starting a fire?
[audience laughing]
[Matt] I'm so concerned.
Oh boy.
Oh, he's going to f*cking... [chuckles]
He's going to tear a rotator cuff.
You got to go easy.
[groans]
That's so crazy.
[chuckling] Okay.
I mean, he's got a great family.
Great mom. You're by far the best mom
I've spoken to today.
That's pretty great.
Great gift.
Great gift.
Which actually is a good time right now.
For the viewers at home, if you want
to pause right now to jerk off...
[audience laughing]
...we'll be right here.
[audience laughing]
You got this. Come on.
[audience laughing]
[laughing]
Finish up. We're back to the show.
All right.
What's another good or terrible gift?
- Right here?
- Yeah. I, uh, gave my wife a vacuum.
- You gave your wife a vacuum?
- [man] Yeah.
[chuckling]
As a joke?
Or were you like... [clears throat]
No, obviously. It was within
the first year of marriage,
and I thought it was a great thing.
Said she wanted one.
She wanted one on, like, a Thursday, dude.
Not... Not as a Christmas gift.
It's so suggestive.
Oh man, what a wonderful Christmas.
Who's going to clean this up?
We're not married anymore.
- You're not even married anymore?
- No, no, no.
Couldn't even sweep up the pieces
of your marriage. Unbelievable.
So who... who's this?
- Oh, this is...
- Hi, it's... [unintelligible]
[audience laughing]
She's not getting a vacuum.
Well, can somebody get her some water?
'Cause that was...
[audience laughing]
I said, "Who's this?"
[mimics woman groaning]
Jesus!
Just dating. Congratulations, I think.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You got a... You got a brace on your wrist.
What happened?
Didn't vacuum enough?
[audience laughing]
Netflix cannot put that out there, dude.
That is... That would be
two specials in a row.
[chuckling] I can't... I just...
I don't want to deal with it.
Cut it. Unbelievable.
[audience laughing]
Okay. Vacuum.
I can see how it could... how you were like,
"No, this is something that I...
I remember her saying."
"We need it for the house."
- "I'll get it for Christmas."
- Yeah.
Good thought, bad timing.
That's... We'll have to round
that up to that.
What's another... What's another one?
Right here in the... in the sparkles?
I am Asian.
Nuh-uh.
[audience laughing]
And one of my relatives got me
an African American doll
because they didn't have an Asian doll.
[Matt] Oh!
That's pretty funny.
What did, uh... What did you name her?
I don't even remember.
Yeah, you do.
[audience laughing]
There's these two Black women
in front of you
who, uh...
who were just waiting for a Shaniqua.
[Matt laughing]
That couldn't be better placement.
I'm so happy... so happy
you guys sat next to each other.
Oh, that's really funny.
You still have fun time playing with her?
- Of course.
- Okay.
Weren't a lot of Asian toys
back in the day.
- I got a lot of African American dolls.
- You got a lot of Black dolls?
That's so funny.
I don't know.
Black women,
how do you guys feel about this?
Is it good... Is it good for inclusion?
Or how do you feel about her controlling
a Black person?
[audience laughing]
I'm kind of on the fence
about it myself. Really.
[snickers]
But what voice did you give her?
[audience laughing]
Everyone does a voice
with their toys, right?
I'm... I'm just picturing
a little Asian girl being like,
"b*tch, you know... you know what?"
- [chuckling]
- [audience laughing]
[Matt] That's so funny to me.
[mocking] Mm-hmm.
Or was it...
[laughing]
Or was it this
little Black doll going, "Haro."
[chuckling] That... Either one is so wrong.
Oh my God.
Next. Um...
Eh, f*ck it. We'll go right here.
[man] So, uh, a couple of years ago,
I got diagnosed with testicle cancer.
So my coworkers gave me
half a nut sack for Christmas. [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
They gave you half a nut sack
for Christmas.
A plastic one. Yeah.
A plastic one. Oh, I thought it was like
a half-eaten bag of peanuts.
Oh man.
Did you end up losing it?
- Um, yeah. The real one, yeah.
- [Matt] No way.
Did you get to keep the one they took out?
- [man] No.
- What?
They didn't give me the option.
- What?
- That's what I said.
They'll give you back kidney stones.
You're telling me
I can't have my ball back?
You gotta... You should get it
f*cking bronzed like baby feet.
Like, you know what I mean? Like...
People bronze their little baby shoes
or something like that.
That'd be great.
Put it in a nutcracker's mouth
for Christmas or something.
[audience laughing]
So when you... when you
do lose one, do they put, uh,
a fake one in there to even it out? Or...
No, it's just empty.
You're just...
- You're just turkey-necking it.
- [man] Exactly.
[chuckling]
So just the one down there right now?
Just like a f*ck...
Just a grandfather clock. Just...
[audience laughing]
Nice.
Now when you-- I'm curious about this.
When you... when you lose one testicle,
do you come faster?
Or slower?
- Has it affected it whatsoever?
- That's a question for her.
Ma'am?
It's the same.
- About the same?
- Thirty seconds.
[Matt] Thirty seconds.
[audience laughing]
Nothing wrong with that.
It happens to be exactly how long
it takes to get to Mars.
So, nothing wrong with that.
[chuckles] Okay. What about the amount?
- It's the same amount.
- Same amount. Really?
Huh.
Just less shots.
- [Matt] Less shots.
- Yeah.
But... But the same?
So it went from like... [imitating shots]
To now one just...
[imitating a single shot]
It shouldn't be the same.
We went south with the visuals real quick.
[chuckling] Okay. Lost a nut.
Half a nut sack.
Those are good coworkers.
I like that a lot.
All right.
The hat right here.
Sixty decks of cards.
Oh, dude, I did not know you were a guy.
I'm gonna be completely...
I'm gonna be completely honest, man.
You look like a baby-faced l*sbian.
That caught me...
That caught me so off guard.
I'm sorry. [exhales loudly]
Sorry about that.
Continue.
Sixty decks of cards.
- Sixty decks of cards.
- [man] Yeah.
Somebody got that for you?
- [man chuckles] Yeah, my mom.
- Why?
Uh, I'm a professional magician.
- What? No way.
- [man] Yeah.
- [man chuckles] Yeah.
- Holy sh*t.
This is...
You don't have to if you don't want to.
- You got cards on you?
- I do.
- Shut the f*ck up.
- [audience cheering]
- Can you... Could you do a trick?
- Yeah.
- For real?
- [man] Yeah. Can I do it?
f*ck it. We're doing it.
I... I love magic, dude.
I love magic.
You just...
Always.
- What's... What's your name?
- My name's Gino.
Gino. Nice to meet you. You carry a deck
of cards with you at all times?
Always. Yeah, it's one of the sixties.
We're at 59 now.
Dude, wait till you try p*ssy.
It's gonna change your life, man.
That's...
This is... This is crazy, man.
I love magic. It's like one of my...
It's one my favorite f*cking things.
I have this whole theory in my head.
The magician's, like...
- That magic is totally real.
- Yeah.
My theory is that magic's real, right?
And that there's like this other realm,
like a Harry Potter,
but the number one rule is
you're not allowed to do magic
in front of normal people.
You're not allowed to monetize off of it.
So you see all these famous magicians.
My theory is they were like,
"f*ck that. I'm gonna go make bank
in this different world."
And then sometimes they're... Sometimes...
- Sometimes it's just this, but, um...
- [laughing] Yeah.
Okay, okay. All right. So you...
How do you want to do it?
Yeah, just name any card
in the deck of cards.
Any one you'd like.
- Say it?
- Yeah.
Uh, seven of hearts.
Seven of hearts. Oh, look.
I dropped it on the ground right here.
- What the f*ck?
- [audience cheering]
Dude.
[Matt laughing]
- Oh, this is crazy already. Okay, okay.
- Watch the seven of hearts. Ready?
- Okay.
- What I do, I bend it like this.
Now I do this so you can watch the seven.
Right? So it's gonna go in the middle.
- Okay.
- Confirm to everyone it's in the middle.
Watch close. You're gonna see this happen.
Ready? One, two, up.
Like that.
- Dude. What's crazy--
- Turn it over.
As soon as it popped up,
I got hard a little bit.
[audience laughing]
I got him going.
He snapped, and I was like, "ha."
- Bro--
- Oh, there you go.
It's the f*cking seven of hearts, dude.
That's crazy.
Want to see one more?
Yeah, do one more, dude. Why not?
I was so confident
that you were gonna call me up here
and name the seven of hearts,
I put one card in my hat.
- Shut the f*ck up, dude.
- [audience cheering]
[Matt] Bro!
- That's amazing.
- Thank you.
Holy sh*t.
Thank you so much.
Go sit down. Go sit down.
- Bro. One more time for Gino.
- [crowd cheering]
Holy sh*t.
[audience member] Gino!
[audience members] Gino! Whoo!
When I turned and I was like, "What
the f*ck," before he did the hat thing,
did he f*cking do anything
to put anything in?
What the f*ck, dude?
Demon.
My... My all-time favorite
hater comment is like,
"Plant. He must know that person.
He had to set it up beforehand."
Have I f*cking ever met you, ever, Gino?
- Not at all.
- No. I thought you were a little girl.
[audience laughing]
Never.
I want to go on record right now,
never met this dude.
I... As soon as he was like, "I was
confident you were gonna bring me up."
"Seven of hearts."
I was like, now I regret it.
Just a little bit.
Just so that all night,
when he left here tonight,
he had to go...
[audience laughing]
[sighs] Show's over, really.
I don't know... I... I don't know how,
unless I f*cking...
Their foreskin's back on.
That would be the craziest thing.
That would be... That would be...
whole show is over.
- [chuckling]
- [audience cheering]
Bro, that's, uh... that's awesome, Gino.
Thank you... Thank you
for sharing that, dude.
What else we got?
- Sir, with his hand up right here.
- [man] Best gift I get every year.
- Every year?
- [man] Every year.
- My in-laws are with me, so bear with me.
- Okay.
But my wife does a monthly photo sh**t
of all these sexual boudoir...
- [audience cheering]
- Nude.
[Matt] Hold on, hold on.
Every month, your wife will do
- a sexually themed photo sh**t.
- So what she does...
She takes me on a monthly date, so every
December I get a book or maybe cards.
Um, I think this year it's a calendar.
I'm hoping. Um...
[audience laughing]
Okay, but it's not a photo
for every day of the month.
- It's just for the theme of the month.
- No, no. Yes.
So naked photo,
holding balloons on her tippy-toes.
I wish you guys
could see her parents right now.
They're like,
"She used to be such a good girl."
[laughing] Oh man.
That was the date for that month,
was hot-air ballooning,
so I have to try to figure it out.
Hold on, real quick.
What does she do for February?
February is my birthday, so that one's
always a little darker, more like...
Darker?
[audience laughing]
You know, it's also Black History Month.
You know that, right?
All right.
What was July?
- That's my birthday, so I was just...
- It's your birthday?
I was spread-eagled,
naked in my birthday suit.
[audience laughing]
Just... Just sh**ting Roman candles
out of her p*ssy? Just...
[imitating explosions]
Wow, that's an amazing gift.
You guys are fun as sh*t.
You guys have kids?
- Three.
- We do. Three.
Three. Oh boy.
Wait till they find this calendar someday.
Man, that's also traumatizing.
Like, don't put that calendar
on the fridge.
You don't want soccer practice written
under mom's just gaping as*h*le.
[audience laughing]
I've never been more sure a couple's
gonna make it in my entire life.
This is amazing. There's romance.
Aw.
It's even better that your... that your...
your parents are here for this,
to be honest.
Uh, Mom and Dad?
- Yes.
- You guys ever done anything like that?
Probably worse.
[audience reacts]
Hold on, hold on.
Let's... Let's hear them out.
Anything of the same realm?
What did... What did you guys get
for your anniversary? That's worse.
What did you get for your anniversary?
Plane tickets to have sex
on an airplane ride.
[woman] Mile High.
[audience cheering, applauding]
- [Matt] All right.
- Mile High Club.
Mile High Club. And did...
Have you guys done it yet?
Oh yeah.
[Matt] Nice!
[audience cheering, applauding]
What airline?
[audience laughing]
It's in Vegas. There's just a sex plane?
Yeah.
That's disgusting.
Can you imagine getting
a middle seat on that plane?
[audience laughing]
[Matt groans]
Are there other people on the plane?
The pilot, but it's closed
and he has headphones.
- But it's like a private plane?
- [mother] Yes.
Oh, okay.
I thought this was like
Southwest Airlines.
[audience laughing]
And there was, like, one bathroom
and then just lines of couples being like,
"Come on!"
"We're halfway to f*cking Phoenix, dude.
Let's go!"
[chuckling] This is...
You guys are awesome, man.
That's a f*cking... That's a fantastic gift.
Good for you guys.
All right, we're going to pivot
out of this, okay?
If we're going to talk about presents,
we have to talk about
how you get the presents, right?
Not everybody gets gifts for Christmas.
You got to end up on the list, right?
Got to make the nice list.
Everybody knows Santa has a list,
checks it twice.
If you've been good,
you end up on the nice list.
You get... get... You get gifts.
If you were not nice this year,
you end up on the naughty list.
You don't get any gifts at all.
I think that's a very important tradition
a lot of us should take further into life.
I think at the end of each year,
we should all do a little self-reflecting
and think back,
and say, "Wow, was... was I nice this year?"
"Was I a good person?
Did I maybe do something selfless?"
"Could I have helped somebody out?"
"Is there something
I could improve on for next year?"
"Or did I end up on the naughty list?"
Which is easier to end up on.
It's a lot more fun, for sure.
But I think we should all strive
to be as nice as possible,
even if... even if it doesn't end nice.
At least try.
I try to make the nice list every year.
And no matter what city I'm in
for the last show before Christmas,
I'll do a toy drive. I'll invite
all the audience to bring a toy.
I go buy a couple hundred toys.
We donate them to like whatever the local
children's hospital is in the city.
[audience cheering, applauding]
It... It feels like a selfless thing to do.
It's nice to do something
for somebody else.
There's a lot of moms there who are about
to have a lot of free time on their hands.
So it kind of skews naughty,
just a little bit.
I'm curious if there's anybody in here
who did anything this year
who might have wound them up
on the naughty or nice list.
I'll stay up here all night.
[audience laughing]
Right here.
[woman] Um, my husband
had kidney troubles for years,
and this year he needed a kidney,
so I tested to possibly be
a donor for him.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to
because of my own medical history,
but my new son-in-law,
they had only been married a month,
donated his kidney to him.
[Matt] No way.
[Matt exhales loudly]
- [woman] Doing great and living life!
- That's crazy.
Funny thing is, I don't know if you know,
they don't actually replace a kidney.
They give him a third kidney.
- I did not know that.
- So...
So you have... you have
three kidneys right now?
- Yes, I do.
- [Matt] No way.
Do you feel more full?
No, but I can actually feel it.
They put it in the front.
- [Matt] You can really feel it up front?
- Yup.
No way, like a little fanny pack.
[audience laughing]
Oh, that's pretty awesome. [hesitates]
You said the son-in-law
had only been married to your daughter
for about a year?
- No, like a... Three months.
- Month and a half.
[Matt] A month and a half?
They found out on their honeymoon
that he was... he was a match.
- No way.
- [man] On the beach in Mexico.
Way to ruin their vacation.
[audience laughing]
That's... That's pretty--
Where the f*ck are your kidneys?
- They're...
- [man] In the back.
They're... They're in the back.
And they put one up front now?
That seems dangerous.
You seem easy to fight.
Now.
- Too old to get in a fight, so it's okay.
- Too old to get in a fight. I love that.
Give me your f*cking wallet. Right now.
[chuckling] 'Cause you're not gonna...
No. Now that I know you won't defend
yourself, this is good.
[chuckles] Okay. Wow.
Yeah, the son-in-law.
What a guy, what a guy.
Nice list, for sure.
Yeah. Kind of can't get mad at him
for pumping your daughter now, right?
Like, he saved your life.
[audience laughing]
He got... He gets one now.
You know what I mean?
He actually changed his last name
to... to my daughter's last name.
Oh, wow. So she's pumping him.
[audience laughing]
Man, took this man's kidney
and his last name.
You... Oh, wow.
That boy's going through it, man.
[chuckling] Okay.
Who else is on the nice list?
Right back here in the Santa hat.
[man] Yeah, I'm a scoutmaster
for a troop in the Phoenix area.
I take them camping
for over a week, uh, every summer.
Oh, that's awesome. Chris Hansen.
Will you come out real quick?
Yeah, you want to come out 'cause um...
We got him.
[audience laughing]
You're a scoutmaster.
Take them into the woods for a little bit.
Every year.
Okay.
Is this, uh, like...
like a Boy Scout kind of thing?
It's, uh, Scouts, yeah.
Now it's, uh, girls and boys, but...
Now it's girls and boys.
Got it. Now you got options.
[man] Yeah.
Good for you.
[exhales loudly]
I didn't know they still did that at all.
Now, when you take them into the woods,
are they learning any special skills?
[audience laughing]
There's an ice cream eating contest
without your hands.
Who judges the contest?
Some of the counselors.
That's disgusting, dude.
Yeah, number four's got it.
[audience laughing]
[scoffs] That's, uh... Man, there's nothing
but a problem with this.
Let me ask you something
just based on your voice.
g*y?
- Yep.
- [Matt] Yep.
[audience laughing]
I'm surprised you don't hold a hot dog
eating contest while you're out there.
[audience laughing]
All right.
How mad were you that they started
bringing girls along for this trip?
[audience laughing]
They're gonna ruin it.
Naughty list, for sure, man.
I know you're trying to do a good thing,
but there's no way.
Not letting that slide, dude.
[chuckling] Oh man.
Yeah, that's, um... That's a police report.
[audience laughing]
Okay, so what else?
- [woman] I got one. Nice list. For sure.
- You've got a nice list moment?
What did you do?
So we went to California, Newport Beach.
We're at the pier.
A mom is screaming, hysterical.
She can't find her son.
- A mom couldn't find her son at Newport.
- [woman] We have three kids.
We have an 11-year-old
and two 8-year-olds, twins.
You have an 11-year-old
and two 8-year-olds.
- So you gave the mom one of your kids.
- Yep.
- [Matt] Nice.
- We had a twin.
One of the twins, preferably.
You're not even going to notice, you know?
So as a mom,
I'm sure all the moms can know,
if that was you, you'd want everyone
in the world helping you find your kid.
[Matt] Of course.
So I ask her,
"What does your kid look like?"
"Show me a picture.
What's your kid's name?"
I said, "Everyone grab a kid,"
because we have too many kids.
Everyone grab a kid.
That's what he says too.
[audience laughing]
Everyone buddy up.
All the bigs, grab a small.
All the smalls, grab a big.
So we start running around Newport Beach
looking for this kid, right?
[Matt] Mm-hmm.
And I see this little boy with a man
holding him by the... by the arm.
A man was holding him by the arm?
Was he holding him like, "Found him?"
Or like, "Come on."
- Like angrily. Yeah.
- Angrily?
I say the kid's name, he looks at me,
and I said, "Oh my God, this is him."
And I was like, "Who are you?"
And he says, "I'm his dad."
And I said, "Well, come with me."
We go to the mom. It was the dad,
but they were absolutely hammered, wasted.
And I think the kid just wandered off.
But we found the kid.
Oh wow. No, hold on, hold on.
She didn't find the kid.
The dad found the kid.
I connected the family.
[Matt] You connected the family.
It... It sounds like
they weren't going to make it, regardless.
All right, all right.
- [hesitates] You got the assist.
- [woman] Nice?
Okay. I'm gonna go nice list on that.
Your intentions were in the right place,
but also, mind your f*cking business.
You know what I mean?
Don't you hate when somebody comes over
and tells you how to parent, you know?
All right. Going back
to naughty list, then.
You. Right back here.
Sitting next to f*cking BMX Mike Wazowski.
[audience laughing]
Okay.
I would like to expose my mother.
Okay.
Um, so when she was growing up,
she contracted, um, polio. So she--
She got polio?
Yeah, so now, in her older years,
um, she has post-polio syndrome, so--
It gets you again?
[woman] Yeah.
She's had to have her ankles
fused together. She can't really walk.
Her ankles have been fused together?
Your mom's a f*cking mermaid?
[audience laughing]
Uh, that's a nice...
a... a nice way of describing her.
That is a nice way to describe her.
You could say turned her into a taquito?
I don't know what else...
Okay, so ankles are fused together.
So sometimes she has to use
a... a walker. Sometimes--
- A walker?
- [woman] Uh, um...
[audience laughing]
- That's exactly what it looks like!
- That's so sad.
She's essentially disabled.
I'd say so.
[woman] You know the commercials?
The sad animal commercials?
The Sarah McLachlan ones, yeah.
They have, um,
children who are spokespeople
for Shriners Children's Hospital.
- [Matt] Okay.
- They ask for donations.
They ask for donations.
And my mother was visiting us
and we were watching TV,
and the commercial came on,
and as a disabled person herself,
she looked at these children
asking for money,
and to one of them, she said,
"I want to c**t punch
that kid in the face."
Your mom, being disabled, saw a sick kid
and said, "I want to c**t punch
that kid in the face."
The kid was in a wheelchair?
That's right at c**t height.
That's...
She also thinks that the children
for St. Jude with cancer
are faking cancer.
She said they're faking it?
These kids should beat
your mom's a*s, man.
Yeah, now I want to see her
and those kids go back and forth.
"I'm gonna c**t punch ya."
"Pry it open, b*tch."
[audience laughing]
Yeah, how far is she fused?
Not enough.
[Matt] Not enough.
That's pretty crazy.
It's just ironic
that she herself is disabled.
Here's the thing. If she wasn't disabled,
she'd be the worst person alive.
[audience laughing]
We actually sent in a donation
on her behalf
so she gets the... she gets the blanket.
[audience laughing]
They f*cking FDR'd her?
Just got the blanket over her?
[woman] Yep.
"Aw, it's a nice donation blanket."
"It's fake."
[audience laughing]
This is a perfect example of like,
you know when somebody has
a good sense of humor,
they've actually experienced life?
People who get offended by everything,
you can tell
they haven't been through anything.
That's somebody who...
who... who beat polio once,
lost the second time,
now has a good sense of humor about it.
We're all winning
because of her sense of humor.
Exactly. You passed that down.
Passed on those good spirits. I like that.
I love your mom. Bring her next time.
We'll get a f*cking...
We'll... We'll get a fish tank up here
or something. Whatever...
[audience laughing]
Whatever needs to be done.
Who else feels they contributed this year?
Santa hat right here?
I rescue donkeys.
You rescue donkeys?
[audience applauds]
From Mexico?
I'd hate to be a donkey rescue
from Mexico, man.
"I was getting my d*ck sucked
five nights a week."
[audience laughing]
"Now you... Now you got me
on this f*cking farm?"
Where do you rescue them from?
Wild burros, right by my house,
in the desert.
Wild burros, like,
they'll just be in the desert?
- Yeah.
- [Matt] No way.
Just wild out there, but then...
There's little babies out there.
They get orphaned,
and then I take them into
the wild burro rescue right by my house.
[Matt] That's adorable.
I think rescuing is an absolute nice list.
My puppy is actually a rescue.
We got a little
10-month-old pit bull at home.
I love him so much. His name is Hammer.
He's actually got
a little stocking right here.
Dude, he's just
the cutest little pit bull. I love him.
I hate that he's going
to bite a kid someday, but...
That's what they do.
This was actually his first Halloween.
We got him a little Michael Vick jersey.
I'm pretty excited about it. Yeah.
Yeah. I think enough...
[chuckles] Maybe enough time has passed.
Let's do one more.
- Oh, right here? What's up, man?
- [man] Um...
- Man, I think, right?
- [man] Yes, sir.
Okay.
You could be a Mexican l*sbian, for sure.
Without a doubt.
[chuckling] Okay.
I know the people in the back can't see,
but picture it. It's...
[audience laughing]
Whatever you're thinking, yes.
She, uh, helped a... about late eighties
um, early nineties, uh, old lady
that was trying to hop on a horse.
Your girl helped a 90-year-old woman
get on a horse.
It was her... It was her last, like, wish.
- It was her last wish.
- [woman] Yes, so...
[chuckles] She...
She passed away shortly after.
She passed away shortly after.
How many minutes after...
[audience laughing]
...when you put
[chuckling] ...this crotchety woman
up on a wild beast?
[chuckling] So, like... So she... ah...
The person who run...
who ran the, uh, care facility
was friends with someone that I knew.
And they said, "Michelle knows--"
And you work with horses?
Yes, I work with horses.
She has a really nice horse.
She'll be able to ride it before she goes.
I know it's a nice thing to do, but it...
it's also second-degree m*rder,
I'm pretty sure.
Well, you have several people with you.
So it's not like--
You don't want to laugh by yourself
when she falls. That's good.
I used to do, uh, therapeutic riding
with a lot of people, so you always--
Therapeutic riding? What is that?
Uh, so like anyone
who has, uh, MS or in a wheelchair,
you help them on a horse,
and you can grip them.
You put people who have MS...
I put people who can't control anything
on a horse.
You put paralyzed people up on horses.
Yes. Super irresponsible.
- You put anybody up there?
- [woman] Anyone.
You gotta put her mom up there.
Just f*cking...
Just... Just sleeping bag it.
[audience laughing]
That's pretty good. I'm gonna go...
I'm gonna go nice list, even though...
You f*cking... Come back next show, tell me
something that went wrong, all right?
That has such good potential
for naughty list.
Mm. No, but I do think the nice list is
a very important part of the show,
'cause the world feels so f*cking awful.
Doesn't it feel like people are assholes?
Like, every single day,
the world is so negative.
It's really nice to go around the room
and shed light on good people
doing good things for others.
And honestly,
that's why I f*cking love Tempe.
Why I wanted to come film a special here.
I knew there was good people
who had a little Christmas spirit left.
So thank you for being a part of that,
first and foremost.
[audience cheering]
Honestly, like, this is
what Christmas is about.
It's about getting together with your
loved ones, your friends, your families,
your... your... your colleagues,
and putting aside all the bullshit
you've dealt with all year long
and just enjoying a holiday
full of love, laughter, and joy.
I honestly hope this Christmas
you find a reason to smile.
I hope you find a reason
to make somebody else smile.
I hope you have half as much fun
as I had filming this special.
Tempe, you are amazing.
I love you so much. Thank you for being
my home for this special.
And to you at home, I love you,
and I wish you a very Merry Christmas.
Thank you, everyone.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat holiday music playing]
Sir, with the hand up.
[man] I don't remember a gift I've given,
but I have one now
that I would like to give.
You want to give me a gift?
Um, not necessarily.
[woman] Oh sh*t.
[Matt] No way!
No way!
[audience cheering]
Oh my God. Say no!
[audience laughing]
[Matt] Well, ask her. Be a man.
- Will you marry me?
- Oh my God.
- Louder for the people in the back.
- Will you marry me?
Congratulations!
[audience cheering]
[music fades]
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Matt Rife: Unwrapped: A Christmas Crowd Work Special (2025)
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