24x15 - High School History

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

[ALL] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

[ALL] ♪ He's a family guy ♪

Hello, tech support?

Yes, my time machine is
giving me error code 17.

No, I did not make love
to a bear on it. Shh.

But if some bear did have his
world rocked on this thing,

would that void the warranty?

Oh, boy. Time machine trouble?

You know there's one time
machine that never breaks

and is always ready to
take you anywhere, anytime.

A good book.

Ugh, sorry, my dog is very cringe.

I'm Brian Griffin and tonight
we'll take my time machine

to three periods in history.

I don't know. I think he's doing, like,

court-ordered community service.

Let's start with the story
of the French Revolution.

The year was 1789.

King Louis the 16th and
his wife, Marie Antoinette,

were throwing Moulin Rouge parties.

Many of which devolved into orgies,

covering the walls with
yicky-yicky-ya-ya-ja-ja.

- [♪ "LADY MARMALADE" PLAYING]
- More songs per minute.

Louder songs.

Everyone must get a
Baz Luhrmann headache.

Yes, Your Majesty.

God, I love French dancing.

If there's anything hotter
than women standing in a line

and kicking their legs up
really high, I haven't seen it.

Bad news, King Louis.

- France is in massive debt.
- What?

Well, just the music clearances on
these Baz Luhrmann sequences alone

are bankrupting the monarchy.

Oh, dear. But our
hardworking French laborers

are already working up
to four hours per week

with only winter and summer off.

Can nothing be done?

I think we should levy
a tax on the peasantry.

No, no taxes.

We could always cancel your
VousTube premium account,

and you can just watch
regular VousTube with the ads.

Let's do the taxes.

Man, things sure are
getting bad here in France.

You said it. I even
got laid off from my job

pitchforking loose hay
here and moving it to there.

The whole French economy is based
on slightly moving loose hay.

Bad news, guys.

- I'm here to collect some taxes.
- What?

The King is levying a
land tax and a head tax.

A head tax? But that could be thousands.

Also, now there's a salt tax.

But the head tax ends in something
for which there'd be a salt tax.

[ALL] Boo!

I say, Robespierre, there's a lot
of unrest brewing here in France.

You're right, Danton.

We should take advantage
and foment a revolution.

- For the people.
- Oh, yeah, no, for the people.

Yeah, and definitely not for
our own personal advancement

to where we go nuts with power
and chop off everybody's heads

and eventually even each other's.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah.
For the... For the people.

[CHRIS] Remember that for
later, for it is foreshadowing.

I'm Chris Griffin, and I don't
only do masturbation stuff.

Citizens of France,

we need a revolution.

- [PEOPLE CLAMORING]
- That's right. King Louis has destroyed

the French economy.

Also, it'll be another
couple hundred years

before the Arab immigrants show up,

but let's start getting
angry about that now.

- [ALL CLAMORING]
- These guys are making a lot of sense.

- We do need a revolution.
- Yeah.

I can't wait for the
new symbol of France

to be a woman with her boob hanging out.

I call dibs on waving
a flag on a barricade.

I'm kind of a barricade guy.

The time has come to join our
revolutionary club, the Jacobins.

Can I join your Jacobin club?
'Cause I'm just constantly jacobin'.

I mean, at least four or five times
a day, you'll find me jacobin'.

I'm Chris Griffin, and I still
do some masturbation stuff.

[♪ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

More bad news, Your Majesty.

Paris suffers a bread shortage.

Oh, no. What should
we do, Swedish baker?

[WITH THICK ACCENT] Let them eat c*ck!

That's perfect, because France currently

has a dangerous surplus of cake.

Marie Antoinette, if
you could tell everyone

to get busy eating cake, that
would famously help things.

- It won't just piss people off?
- Nah. They'll love it.

- [PEOPLE YELLING]
- Down with the King!

[WOMAN] And down with Marie Antoinette.

She's not French, she's from Austria.

[MAN] Austria is our rival.

[ALL CLAMORING]

Who are you people?

We're a mob of unemployed
losers, scapegoating a lady.

That's when good things happen.

To be fair, we're mad
at all the French nobles,

except that one super cool pointing guy.

So rad.

We, the citizens of France, hereby

place the King and Queen under arrest.

Let's put 'em in prison.

Yeah, and I'm taking this
magic Beauty and the Beast clock

that comes to life and sings.

It's just a regular clock.

Aw. [GASPS]

- Regular candlestick.
- Aw.

[ALL PROTESTING INDISTINCTLY]

Welcome, citizens, to the
new revolutionary regime.

[ALL CHEERING]

That's right. There's gonna
be some changes in France.

From now on, every time
we say hello to each other,

we will get two little
kisses on the cheek.

Little kisses for everyone.

- All right.
- Should we show them, Robespierre?

I think they get it.
You were pretty clear.

We stand for freedom and equality.

And we can announce
this now. It is official.

There will be a season
six of Emily in Paris.

So give yourselves a big hand for that.

You did this. Every one of you.

Anyway, freedom and equality
and civil rights for every man.

How about rights for women?

Nah, just dudes.

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

We hereby sentence the
King and Queen to death.

Any final words?

- Yeah, and not the cake thing again.
- Then, no.

Please destroy the oil
paintings under my mattress.

- [GROANS]
- [ONLOOKERS CHEER]

And now for Marie Antoinette.

[GUILLOTINE BLADE CLANGING]

What? What happened?

- Oh, boy.
- [CLANKING]

Marie Antoinette's novelty fake neck

was provided by Jacques's Joke Shop

of South Attleboro, France.

- Gotcha, guys.
- Good one, Marie.

Remember, if it ain't
[LAUGHING] hon-hon-hon,

it ain't worth Jacque.

- Okay. Brutally k*ll her now.
- [MARIE ANTOINETTE GRUNTS]

[ONLOOKERS CHEER]

Well, that was fun,
but before you all go,

we have a few surprise
bonus executions today.

- The King's gendarme.
- [MAN YELLS]

That lady who yelled that thing

- at the meeting.
- [WOMAN YELLS]

- J.K. Rowling. 'Cause you know why.
- [J.K. ROWLING SCREAMS]

This dude, Josh, who's the first guy

to post a photo of a beach and
write "my office for the day".

- [MAN SCREAMS]
- Oh, and Danton.

What? Oh, you b*tch!

I was gonna do this to you.

- [YELLS]
- This is awesome. And the best thing is

that it'll for sure never happen to me.

[ROBESPIERRE YELLS]

Uh, I know I wanted
to be "head" of state,

but this is... Oh, my brain's stopping.

I can't believe we did the
whole French Revolution,

and not even a single song from Les Mis.

Les Mis is set during
the Rebellion of 1832,

not the French revolution of 1789.

Oh, that's stupid.

Damn it, Meg, I told you
to stop taking my jog bras.

I haven't.

Well, they're missing. And
there's no other explanation.

Look, you both need to
stop counting your bras.

It's not important where they went.

Sometimes families have conflicts.

But did you know that at
one point in U.S. history,

family members actually
went to w*r with each other?

What? What... What is this?

It's community service. He got arrested

for something. What did you do, Brian?

Let's take our next historical journey.

I heard he got caught stealing
mobile orders at Starbucks.

Does he look like his name is Rasheed?

Uh, our... Our historical
journey to the year 1861.

They're going to remember
what Rasheed looks like, Brian.

It was 1861 when America was
inaugurating a new president.

I, President Abraham Lincoln,
vow that I will have an open mind.

The back of my mind in particular
will be very open and exposed.

[CHRIS] That's also foreshadowing.

Brian said I could keep helping out.

I'm grateful that you elected me.

And right away, I want to
apologize for my mentally ill wife.

What the hell?

My nickname will be honest-about
everything... except-that-one-thing Abe.

That or nine-and-a-half-inch Abe.

- You can call me either one.
- [MARY TODD LINCOLN] Yeah, right.

She's loony, guys. Absolutely deranged.

Anyway, I predict that
America's got good times ahead.

So long as our map doesn't have
a bunch of arrows and explosions.

[MAYOR WILD WEST] But America did have

a bunch of arrows and explosions,

and narrations by voices like this.

Also slow fiddle music,
which I have to play myself,

because we blew our whole music
budget on the Moulin Rouge stuff.

[♪ FIDDLE PLAYING POORLY]

I did this on America's Got Talent

and Howie Mandel made
wisecracks at my expense.

Anyway, w*r had come, and


would be lost, as brother
marched off to fight brother.

[♪ MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, so the uniforms came in the
mail, and they sent one of each.

Weird.

Yeah, the gray ones
are from Louis Vuitton,

and the blue ones are
from TJ Maxx, so...

That's fine. I'll be Union.

Cool. I like the gray because it
matches all the dead guys everywhere.

Wish me luck. I'm off to
fight the Battle of Bull Run.

So that sucked. Ah,
well, the good news is,

I'm staying at Bull Run,

and there's no way there'll
be a whole second battle there.

You're not gonna frickin' believe it.

The arrows and explosions
are getting closer to D.C.

We're not gonna be
able to save the Union.

Maybe instead of fighting
to save the Union,

we should be fighting to
end the evils of sl*very

and ensure freedom for all Americans?

All right, I'm putting you in a home.

This is why I sleep with guys.

I, too, believe the aim of the w*r

should be to free the sl*ves
and make all Americans equal.

Thank you, Frederick Douglass.

You're right. Black men should be free.

That's what I'm talking about.

And sent up to the
front line as soldiers.

- Say what now?
- Don't worry.

You're in good hands with
General Ulysses S. Grant,

America's most strategically
gifted alcoholic.

[SLURRING] The... The
South keeps looking at me.

I swear to God, if the South
looks at me one more time,

- I'm going down there...
- No, no, no, no. Be cool, man.

You think you're better than me, South?

Be cool. Be cool. We got to concentrate

on our most important objective.

Protecting Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

Isn't Gettysburg just
fields and fence posts?

Gettysburg is a cultural
and economic metropolis.

Sacrifice every last man, if
necessary, to protect Gettysburg, P.A.

But Seward's right. Gettysburg sucks.

If you can make it there,
you'll make it anywhere.

Gettysburg, everyone
must die to save it.

There's literally, like,
eight people in the whole town.

We're not gonna argue this further!

I'm late for my cuddle
nap with Joshua Speed,

who everyone should go ahead and Google.

- This is fine.
- It's fine.

I just can't afford
my own mattress is all.

Mattresses cost, like, a billion
dollars, 'cause it's olden times.

_

_

This conflict keeps
dragging on, am I right?

I tell you, you put
the Civil w*r on ABC,

- it'll be canceled in 13 weeks.
- [CROWD LAUGHING]

[MAYOR WILD WEST] Now, that
Confederate recruit we saw earlier,

he went on to be a stage
actor, based in D.C.

So clearly, his career sucked.

But then he booked the
Gettysburg cemetery gig.

Finally, the big break
for John Wilkes Booth.

Civil w*r saves 70 sl*ves.

- Civil w*r saves 70 sl*ves. Civil w*r...
- Excuse me, Mr. Booth?

Ah, yes, that is how I'm
listed in the program.

But I was hoping to use my full name,

John Wilkes Booth Romijn Stamos.

- Yeah, well, sorry, but we're bumping you.
- What? Why?

President Lincoln just showed up.

He wants to workshop some new material.

[GROWLS]

Okay, so "Fourscore
and seven years ago..."

Wait, wait. What... What's that mean?

A score is 20 years.

So just say 87 years ago.

I like it this way.

You're gonna lose everybody
from the first line.

They're all doing math in their heads.

- It's fine.
- It's not fine.

You're here to boost morale.

This is like the opposite. You're giving

them algebra homework. Here, try this.

"Sorry, I got here late. I couldn't
find the Gettysburg address."

[LAUGHS]

Yeah. I don't know.

Oh, come on. It's perfect. Open with

a huge joke. Boom, now you got 'em.

Hey, hey, bub.

You can't just go bumping people.

I... I don't know what
you're talking about.

Forget him. He's just
some butt-hurt actor.

Look, whatever this is about, I'm sorry.

I respect actors.

- How about you give me a headshot?
- [CHRIS] Foreshadowing.

[BOB] Now let's have a
big hand for Abe Lincoln.

[LINCOLN] Thanks, Bob.

[BOB] Now, I understand Mary Todd's
here today, 'cause we all know

Lincoln doesn't go
anywhere without his beard.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [LINCOLN LAUGHS] Oh, Bob.

[MAYOR WILD WEST] Finally, in 1865,

the southern capital of Richmond fell.

w*r is over, Grant. You've got to go to

Appomattox and meet the Southern leader.

- You know the guy?
- General Lee.

All right, do some
research on him first.

Oh, I know the guy backwards
and forwards. General Lee.

Right. But I need you
to know him specifically.

I do know him specifically, General Lee.

- I... Look, you know the guy?
- Yep.

- You know him generally?
- Yep.

You got to know him more than generally.

Know who more than General Lee?

The Southern leader. The
guy you know generally.

That's right. I do know
him, very well. General Lee.

- I... That's the problem.
- What's the problem?

You say you know him generally.

- I do.
- I need you to be an expert on the guy.

- I am an expert on him.
- Are you just...

I'm friends with the guy. We
fought in the Mexican w*r together.

I studied his every move.

There is no one on the planet
who knows him better than I do.

Okay, just to be sure, you are
an expert on the Southern leader.

Completely. Totally.

Absolutely. General Lee.

But... [SPUTTERS]

[MAYOR WILD WEST] In our nation,
it was a difficult time politically.

But a simpler time, comedically.

The fighting was done,
and no more would Americans

wage civil w*r until 2028, probably.

But this story ends on a theater balcony

with Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln.

Hey, how about you just
go by Mary Lincoln, huh?

But Todd is my family name.

I... I keep it to honor my heritage.

Demented. Somebody call
the man with the big net.

That's the latest in
mental health technology.

[DOOR CREAKS]

- [g*n FIRES]
- [MARY GASPS]

[MAYOR WILD WEST] Lincoln was dead,
and Booth would shout the motto

that has become etched in history.

Did I do that?

[ALL LAUGHING]

[PRESENTER] Lincoln's
assassination was filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, did you guys notice
that the final Dilbert

is just Dilbert checking people's

genitals outside the ladies' restroom?

[GIGGLES] Office stuff.

Ah, Peter's enjoying a joke.

Well, here's a joke for you.

Six million Jews, gypsies, communists

and intellectuals are
loaded onto a train car.

Only this joke actually happened.

How is that a joke?

He's doing his community service.

He attacked one of them
grocery robots or something.

The year is 1939, and
w*r has come to Europe.

[MAYOR WILD WEST] Well, the
arrows and explosions are back.

Also, I'm back, on account of
I've been getting a lot better

on the fiddle since the last time.

[♪ FIDDLE PLAYING POORLY]

Not bad, right?

You'd be surprised how much
fiddle you can learn on YouTube.

[MAN] Hey, play Mumford and Sons.

[MAYOR WILD WEST] I'm
not playing that [BLEEP].

Pretty soon, the Brits were forced

to seek cover in their subway system.

What they call "the Tube".

Eating French fries. Of
course, they call them chips.

Truck is a lorry.

Let's see. What else?

Weird little country.

Hello, Franklin?

President Roosevelt, can you hear me?

Churchill, how's
things in England? Good?

No, it's awful. We're getting
bombed by the Nazis over here.

They're blitzkrieging through
Europe. They took Paris.

Oh, no, not Paris!

Please tell me the pointing guy is okay.

I love that guy.

Yeah, can you help us out, Franklin?

Uh, you caught me at
a bad time, Churchill.

It's me and Eleanor's date night.

Eleanor, where are you going?

Me and the girls are
gonna go play lacrosse,

and then just jab our thumbs wherever.

[CHUCKLES] That Eleanor sure loves
hanging out with her lady pals.

[♪ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

FDR may not help us.

And I heard Russia is
signing a pact with Hitler.

So, as my top general, I
need you to go to Moscow,

find their leader and figure
out how to prevent this.

Don't worry, sir, I will.
And I'll stop Stalin.

Great. I'm glad you're not
delaying your departure,

but do you have a plan
for when you get there?

- Absolutely, sir. To stop Stalin.
- And what is it?

- How is that a plan?
- I thought you wanted me to stop Stalin.

Of course, I want you to stop stallin'.

This is a grave and important matter.

- So, then we do agree on the plan.
- Which is?

- To stop Stalin.
- But... [SPUTTERS]

[MAYOR WILD WEST] Comedically,
World w*r II was also a simpler time.

Turns out, America's efforts to
stay out of the fracas came to naught

once the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.

"December 7th, 1941,

"a date that I probably knew was
coming but allowed to happen."

I mean, "A date which will live
in infamy, the United States of..."

[WOMAN 1] Girls, you don't
know anything about power tools.

- [WOMAN 2] You're totally wrong.
- What?

- What's going on?
- It's your wife and her friends.

They're arguing over
power tool brands again.

- [WOMAN 1] Dewalt.
- [WOMAN 2] Ryobi.

Girls and their construction
equipment, huh? [CHUCKLES]

Eleanor, could you ladies please keep it

down while I'm doing radio to America?

This is fine.

- It's fine.
- Lots of First Ladies have their gal pals

move into the White House with
them, which I did for real.

- Super normal.
- Ryobi.

[♪ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Gentlemen, we're here to plan an
amphibious as*ault on Normandy.

Stay on target.

Almost there.

Stay on target.

Private Ryan, you've switched
off your targeting computer.

What's wrong?

[ROOSEVELT] Use The Force, Matt Damon.

Cut it out, guys. This is important.

- Oh, yeah, totally. Okay, first question.
- Yeah?

Is there toilets inside of tanks?

I mean, there has to be, right?

They're not gonna stop the w*r
just to let a guy take a crap.

I think they just go right in the barrel

and then the next shot
is like a poopy shot.

Can we please focus?

We're focusing. We are laser
focused on planning for... "Diday".

I think we're calling it "D-Day".

Oh, okay, see? I'm
already learning stuff.

[MAN SPEAKING GERMAN]

[CLEARS THROAT AWKWARDLY]

[HITLER CONTINUES IN GERMAN]

[MAYOR WILD WEST IN ENGLISH]
FDR beat the Germans,

but he wouldn't live to
see victory in the Pacific.

For that, the torch was
passed to Harry Truman.

Listen, Harry. Hirohito
wants to surrender.

It's time to go make peace with Japan.

Got it. Go to Japan and nuke Hiroshima.

No, no, no, no. They're
ready to surrender.

- You need to make peace with Japan.
- Okay.

Good. Now repeat it back to me.

Okay, I nuke the city
of Hiroshima in Japan.

No, Japan wants to surrender!

Make peace with Japan.

Right. And nuke Hiroshima.

No, no, no, no!

[MAYOR WILD WEST] And et cetera.

Due to wartime rationing,

we've had to keep reusing
our Pat Tillman bit from 2007.

Thanks for doing your part to make sure

all the fresh new jokes are safe

for our troops overseas.

- [PEOPLE CHEERING]
- Eventually, Japan did surrender.

Don't worry too much about
why. The w*r was over.

At last, America can celebrate
with lots of non-consensual kissing.

Don't worry. Your husband
will never find out.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Lunch with the girls,
huh? Susan, probably?

Well, that does it for
today's history adventure.

I hope you have a new
appreciation for the joys, follies,

and heartaches that comprise
our shared human story.

Also, you might receive an email
from the Quahog County Courthouse

confirming that I provided
volunteer educational services.

If you could just go ahead
and click the link and fill out

the short web form, I'd
really appreciate it.

[SIGHS]

So, turns out you can
legally buy Jenna Ortega

as many new bed sheets as you want,

you just can't deliver them in person.

So we all learned something this week.

Sleep tight, Jenna.

[♪ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]