16x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, and
welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show that separates the truth
from the twaddle.

On Lee Mack's team tonight, star of
People Just Do Nothing

and Taskmaster, it's Asim Chaudhry.

APPLAUSE

And actor, presenter and former
Corrie legend Sally Lindsay.

APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's team
tonight, from the

Stand Up Sketch Show,
it's comedian Stephen Bailey.

APPLAUSE

And the GC herself,
TOWIE superstar Gemma Collins.

APPLAUSE

And so to round one, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out

a statement from the card in front
of them. To make things harder,

they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction.

And, Gemma, you're first tonight.

Whenever I need an energy boost,
I'll stop doing what I'm doing

and I hug a tree.

Right! Lee's team.

Right. Er, when was the last
time this happened, Gemma?

Two hours ago.

Didn't you arrive here
about two hours ago?

I did. Where in Elstree Studios
did you find this tree?

Well, when I turned up,
I was like, "Oh, my gosh."

Like, meeting Rob,
I'm his biggest fan.

That's why I agreed to do the show.

Aw! And that is the truth.

You don't know how buzzing I am
to be this close to him.

It's, er, it's a lie.

LAUGHTER

Basically, I felt really nervous
and I was like,

"Oh, my God, I'm going to see him
with my own two eyes,

"not just through the TV screen.

"I need to hug a tree and
ground myself."

What tree was it?

My security guard took me
over to Tesco's.

Stop. Your security guard?

Yeah. Did you think there was a
chance that maybe Rob

would attack you today?
Yeah, I was hoping!

Oh! I was absolutely hoping!

Can I just say I'm genuinely
confused

and I'm not quite sure how to react.

LAUGHTER

So, he took me to Tesco's.

There was no trees in the car
park, but they were selling

cherry blossom trees. Oh!

So I was like, "Do you know
what? That'll have to do."

So I hugged the cherry blossom
to ground myself, and I did some

breathing techniques,
and I was like... Oh.

What are the breathing techniques?

In and then out,
and then in and then out?

No. It was like...

SNIFFS
Rob.

SNIFFS
Rob. Rob.

What?!

Before today, what was the last
time it happened?

This morning. Oh, that's today!

LAUGHTER

I love nature, so literally, I...
So do I.

I go outside in my garden, naked
most mornings. Do you?

You go out naked and hug a tree?

MOUTHING

Um, so, you're in... You're in...
You're in... Chaka Khan.

You're in... You're in a secure
unit, fancying Rob!

You're in the garden, you're in the
garden and you're naked.

Now, here's a question
on all our lips, which is,

what about the neighbours?

So, when I moved into the house,
I was like,

"There's not enough trees."

And I watched, I think it was David
Attenborough, one of them -

Spring watch or something like that,
where they said every time

you plant a tree, you're putting
air back into the oxygen. True.

So I rung...

LAUGHTER

I rung my local garden centre...

I think you've got that the other
way round, but we'll...

Something like that.
That's all the right words,

not necessarily in the right order.
Yeah!

I went to my local garden centre
and I bought, like, hundreds of

trees to, like, block the
neighbours' view.

So, Sally, what are you thinking?

Do you know, it's that bizarre,
Gemma, that I actually,

I'm sort of believing you.

The GC, you know, her kind
of her persona is, you know, Essex,

glitz and glamour, but I do think
you are

quite at one with nature as well.

So what do we think?
I have no doubt she loves trees.

The bit I doubt
is that she loves you!

LAUGHTER

It's a lie. All right, so you're
going to say it's a lie.

OK, Gemma, was it true
or was it a lie?

It's...

...true!

APPLAUSE

Woo! I've got this game!

I've got this game!

Stephen, you're next.

This morning,
I lost my ringmaster's hat.

Oi!

LAUGHTER

No!

Age 14, my mum deliberately lost me

for ten minutes in a
French hypermarket

in order to force me to use
the French I'd learnt at school.

I think we hope this is a lie.
Otherwise your... Now, hang on.

Your mother could be arrested!

Me and Stephen are from the same
area in Manchester.

So I'm... I know that's true!

LAUGHTER

So you were 14? Yeah.

And how good was your French?

At 14, it wasn't so great,
but I ended up getting a degree

in French, actually.

Go on, then. In the French
language, you got a degree?

Oui. Well... Oh, there we go.

Right. Off you go.

Excusez moi, monsieur. But...

But?

Fourth word in and you panicked!

I'm guessing you didn't get
a first.

What am I saying now?

CLEARS THROAT
Watch this...

Ou est le pet it poisson? Le pet it
poisson est sur la rouge table.

Even I know what that is!

I have to say,
your accent is beautiful!

LAUGHTER

Did you speak to anyone?
Did you use some of your French?

No, I was in a state of shock,

so I just went, "Where's me mum?!"

But what did she actually
expect you to ask?

I think she wanted me to be like,
"Help. I've lost my mum." At 142!

Well, what would you do if you
wanted to encourage someone

to use their French?
Well, I would say,

"Right, I'm leaving you here
and I'm driving back to England..."

LAUGHTER

"You're on your own now."

Well, we're not talking
about my dad.

We're talking about my mother.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So at no point did you actually
speak French?

No, I didn't speak French!

I was in a state of panic and shock.

I'm a dramatic, camp, g*y man.

Well, you hide it well!

LAUGHTER

Right. Time to decide. What do you
think? He could be lying

about how good he is at French.

But also, if I asked
you if you could do something

now that you could do at 19...
Well, it depends.

Not with these knees.

LAUGHTER

If you get a degree in French,
I don't think you lose it.

You do lose... You do. I mean,
you're young, aren't you, Stephen?

How old are you? If you don't...

Well, if BBC Three asks, I'm 19,

but on this show I can be 35!

LAUGHTER

I think, lovely story, great
performance,

but I think it's a lie. Sally?

I think it's true.

I don't know why I believe
it so much, but I do. Sorry.

You'll have to make the decision,
then. All right.

As captain, I will make a decision.
And my decision is

Sally will make the decision.

I think it's true. OK.

We'll go with true.
You say it's true? Yeah. OK.

Stephen, was it true or was
it a lie?

It was...

...a lie. Ah! Sorry!

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Very good!

Asim, you're next.

I once saw someone disappear
in a puff of smoke,

never to be seen again.

David's team. Wow.

Where was you?

OK. I was in college, so I was
around 16 at the time,

and I was actually
the rap battle champion there.

Were you? There was another
rapper who came on the scene.

He was this new boy,
and he was amazing.

Was he the Mozart to your Salieri?

He was. Yeah. He was.

I don't know what that means,
but he was. Um...

How's the new rap album selling,
David?

LAUGHTER

You were a rapper? I was a rapper.

I was actually a battle rapper back
in the day. What does that mean?

You know, rap battling, so...
I don't know.

Like, OK, I'm just making this up.

It'd be like...
# Rob Brydon, Rob Brydon,

# I tell you, mate, you ain't
no good

# 1'm going to hug you even tighter
than GC does to the wood. #

Oh, I love that!
APPLAUSE

I love that! Anyway, darling,
what was this puff of smoke?

So, this guy...

Like smoke machine smoke? Or...?

No, no. It was literally like...

So, like, this guy, he was this kind
of rogue guy just appeared

and he could rap like Eminem.

And he taught me how to beat box
through a very simple technique,

and I think Rob would be great
with this because he's great

with his mouth, isn't he? I mean...

LAUGHTER
No, not like... I've heard!

No, I mean...

No, I mean, like, you know, he's...

Basically there's one song
where it goes,

"If your mother only knew,"
but it's like...

BEATBOXES WHILE SINGING

And what you do is you...
Bless you! Thank you!

You put the B in front
of every word.

So it's like, "B—if your b—mother
b-only b—knew."

You know what I mean? I do know.
Here's my question.

Yeah. Why?

LAUGHTER

Because the trick is like singing
and doing a beat

at the same time. Ah! You have to
create the kick noise,

the beat. Like whistling and
humming.

Yes. I can do that. Not many can.

I can do that. Go on, then.

WHISTLES AND HUMS

JOINS IN

THEY STOP, LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Where does smoke come into this?

OK, so basically he was rapping
and I realised that he basically,

like, stole these lyrics from
another rapper,

and that is a big faux pas in the
hip—hop community.

So they set him on fire?

No! I confronted him in college
in front of everyone,

and I didn't want to make
it a thing, but he was like,

"No, I didn't." You just confronted
him in front... You didn't want to

make it a thing. "I'll just...
I won't make it a thing.

"I'll just confront him in
front of everyone."

I confronted him. I said, "Look,
mate, did you steal these lyrics?"

And then he was like,
"What? What was that?"

And he went, "Look over there."
And then we all looked over there,

and then he had a smoke b*mb. And he
went "pffff" and he disappeared.

Never, ever saw him again.

So what...what you're saying
is that this person, this fraud

who you'd looked up to,
but he'd been so aware

that he could be found out
at any time

that he had this smoke b*mb ready?

LAUGHTER
You know.

Maybe he'd done it before.

He keeps changing identities,
countries, whatever.

"I'll stick at it for a few years,

"but if things go a bit difficult,
I just smoke b*mb. I'm gone!"

Did you ever see him ever again?
Never, ever.

So I tried to find him, you know.

SALLY: Well, tonight...

LAUGHTER

All right... Pshhh!

Gemma, what do you make of this?

I think it's false.

What do you think?

So we've got...
GEMMA: It's false.

LAUGHTER

No, I do actually agree that I think
it's false because we've got two

people that claim they can rap,

that... Hey, I can rap.
I've got bars, all right?

Well, we just saw otherwise.

I think it's a lie. I don't think
bad rappers are good magicians.

I mean, I like it as a sort
of plan for your life.

Have a smoke b*mb ready
and disappear if

things are getting a bit much
for you.

But I don't believe it.
So, I think a lie.

You're saying it's a lie?

OK, Asim, it's a great story.

Was it true or was it a lie?

It was...

...true.
Oh!

APPLAUSE

No way. It's true.

Asim once saw someone disappear in
a puff of smoke.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring

on a mystery guest who has a close
connection to one of our

panellists. This week, each of
David's team

will claim it's them that has
the genuine

connection to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team to spot

who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome

this week's special guest, Elliot.

APPLAUSE

So, Stephen, what is...?
Stop the game!

He is with Gemma.

LAUGHTER

Look at the colour of him!

So, Stephen, what is Elliot to you?

This is Elliot and he was the air
steward who had to force

the door open when I fell into
a deep sleep on the loo.

Gemma, how do you know Elliot?

This is Elliot

and I broke out of his weight loss
boot camp to go

for a sneaky Chinese.

And finally, David, your
relationship with Elliot?

This is Elliot

and I had to shout for his help
after his tennis ball machine

assaulted me with hundreds
of tennis ba*ls.

So, there we have it.

Lee, where will you begin?

So, Stephen, where were you going
from and to?

I was coming back from America.
To home, to Manchester?

To home, to Manchester. Yeah. OK.

Was it halfway across the ocean?

Well, the flight got me
all the way home.

So, was this mid—flight, or was it
before you'd taken off? Or...

No, it was mid—flight, cos it was
like a long flight.

What were you doing in there?
Apart from obviously sleeping.

Were you alone?

No, I was alone.

I would have welcomed Elliot in,
but that's not WHY he came in.

Basically, I was flying back from
a job and Channel 5

is so cheap,

they just put us in economy.

They put you in economy,
not enough room. Yeah.

And so then I was like, oh,
like, I couldn't sleep

because I was, like... "What?
I can't do it."

And so I was like, "Right, I'm just
going to get up." I went for a wee

earlier on and I was like,

"This is more spacious

"than out there."

So when...do you know like when the
lights go down?

When it's, like, everyone
should sleep now?

Yeah. I was like, "I'm just going to
go and have a little stretch.”

And I just sat on the toilet.

And I just thought, "Right,
I'll have a little five minutes.”

And then I fell asleep.

And how long were you asleep
for, do you know?

I mean, you'd have to ask Elliot.
I don't know.

He's not allowed to speak.
I know.

He can do this.

So, did he break the door?

Cos that might have been
a medical emergency, right?

He probably thought...

Well, here's the thing.
I say "forced the door".

I think I'm being a bit
melodramatic.

I think he just really,
on the outside, just slid

it across and pushed it open.

So, he obviously tried knocking
first?

Well, you'd have to ask Elliot.
I was asleep.

If I heard a knock, I would
have been like, "Oh, hello.”

And how did the queue of other
passengers react?

Well, you know no—one's ever happy
in economy,

so they were like, "Tsk!"

I would rather them... Scream at
you. Scream at me. Yeah.

You need shaming, don't you,
properly? Not just a tut.

Like when Lee shamed my jacket.

I was only joking. I love Butlin's.

All right. Who would you like to
quiz next?

I think we'll go with...
Don't applaud him!

We'll go to Gemma now, shall we?

Gemma, let's cut straight
to the chase.

How long have you known him?

Well, basically, I went to Norfolk
on a boot camp

where you exercised eight
hours a day.

Oh, right. God.
Like to try and lose weight.

Right. I was there for, like,
six weeks.

At what point did you sneak out?

Yeah. Right before the end of...
Like the last knockings.

The what? The last knockings.
The last lap of the tour.

It's like an Essex phrase,
the last knockings.

Like, the second to last day
or whatever? Basically. Yeah.

So, you lasted a long time?
I did. I did.

And you left for...
You said a Chinese? Yeah.

So, right before the last knockings
towards the end, two days before,

my friend comes, like, to see me,
morale...

Knockings is two days before,
is it? Yeah.

What's the last day before?

Just the last day before.

So, the day before Christmas Eve is
Christmas knockings?

Yeah. Basically, yeah. Right.

Yeah.

So, literally, I rang my friend
Alana and I was, like,

"Alana, you need to get here.
I'm sick of this place.

"I need a chow min.
I need a chow min."

So, she goes, "Right.
Don't break it, Gemma."

Can I just ask a question? What's
a chow min? Is that like chow mein?

Yeah, chow min,
chow mein.

Is that the same thing? Yeah.
Right, OK.

So, basically... And it was
I really wanted a chicken chow min.

That was the one... Chow min?

Yeah. OK.

And was this going to be your "min"
meal of the day?

Yeah.

She turns up, I look her in the eyes
and I'm like,

"If you love me and if you're
my friend,

"you WILL take me
to get a chow min."

No!

So, she slaps me round the face.
What? Yeah. Good.

She slapped me and said, "Don't
you dare mention them words again."

So, I played the game, went
over to the main house,

I have my asparagus soup and my
piece of sea bass

with like one carrot, and everyone's
like, "Oh, I'm so full."

And I'm just like...

Anyway, she is, like, "You've
been at this place for five weeks.

"I really feel bad for you.
Like, come here.

"I'm sorry for slapping you
earlier.”

I'm like, "Right."
Can I just stop you?

Are you sure this wasn't
an episode of TOWIE?

This sounds amazing.

So, we then wait for all the other
campers to go to sleep... Yeah.

...creep down the spiral staircase,

put on the mobile phone,

"Local Chinese restaurant.”

Right. It was two miles up the road,
so we walked cos nothing

was going to stop me from getting
the chow mein.

So, I goes in the restaurant,
they're about to close.

I'm like, "Hun, I will pay
you whatever it takes.

"I'll pay you double.
I'm starving."

Whatever it takes! Yeah.

Even twice as much as £4.80.

I need a Chinese. So, I sit down.

I'm like, "Right, I'll have
spare ribs.

"I'll have crispy duck.

"I'll have salt and pepper squid.

"I'l have some dumplings.
I'll have lemon chicken."

You don't have to do every item.

We get the drift. Yeah.

Why don't you just give us
the numbers? It'll be quicker.

So, I'm now working me way through
the menu.

Yeah? Yeah.
And she goes to me, "Stop!"

And I'm, like, "Is everything OK?

"Why do I need to stop?
Like, you're getting double, hun.

"Let's just order."
I wanted chicken ba*ls. Not again!

We don't need...

So, with that, she says...

"We can't take any more of your
food order."

I know how she feels.
We're just...

We're just going to bring you
out the best

Chinese of my life.

Well, there we are.

And viewers will be pleased to hear
that Gemma's answer is now available

as a talking book.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, this fella here with
the natural tan,

are you telling me that he's
a fitness instructor?

He's the one that weighs you in.

Has he become a friend of yours

or did you get back in contact for
this show? Never spoke to him again.

Not interested. I feel sick that
you're here today this close to me.

LAUGHTER

All right. What about that little
fellow in the middle, David?

What about him? What happened again?

Well, Elliot had to rescue me
when I shouted "help"”

because his tennis ball firing
machine had gone berserk.

Right. And where was this?

On a tennis court.

So, you were on a tennis court?
Yep.

That's what I'm going with!
That's what you're saying!

Here I am, racket in hand.

Who were you playing? All the gear.
Who were you playing...?

Imagine it. I AM imagining it.

I'm imagining it and so are you.
Yeah.

Was the tennis ball machine for you
or was it on

the neighbouring court?
It was for me.

Oh, so you were playing
against the machine?

I was having tennis lessons.
From him? Right. Yes.

He's a tennis coach. Could you tell
us which court?

Uh, it's... You know Wimbledon?

LAUGHTER

No, it's a court at a tennis club
near where I live in London.

OK. I'm not willing to specify
any more than that. Vague!

But if you can believe...
Don't worry about it, David.

Even the stalkers don't
want to come and find you.

So, you're learning to play tennis
with the aid of a machine

and this gentleman?
Even the stalkers...

...don't want to come and find me?

They come round to the dressing room
door and say, "I want my pants back.

"They weren't meant for you."

How long have you had tennis
lessons for, by the way?

I just had a few last summer.

How would you put a bit of backspin
on a ball?

Well, you slightly slice downwards
through the ball.

Ooh! Ooh! David, when you were...

LAUGHTER

Goodness me, you haven't
been out in a while, have you?

David, when you were getting hit
by these ba*ls...

Yes.

...how many hit you?

Why don't you just move out of
the way?

I couldn't get out of the way. Why?

Because of the sheer pace of the
bombardment. De—de—de—de!

Absolutely, it was an intense
bombardment.

I was trapped. Initially, I tried to
use the skills that Elliot had

equipped me with in order
to dispatch the ba*ls.

I think, on some level, I was
fearful that the machine might

develop a way of collecting
them because

my only hope was it would eventually
run out of these ba*ls.

But was he feeding more ba*ls
in and grinning?

No, he wasn't.

He'd gone over to...

This is an interesting aspect
of this.

Oh, I'm glad there is one.

Where was Elliot?

He'd gone down to a neighbouring
court to start his next lesson.

So he said, "I'm leaving you.
I'm going to put this machine on."

Put the machine on. "Oh, no, I've
accidentally put it

"on the pointlessly fast
and never needed setting!"

Has this traumatised you to
the point where now...? Do you

still play a bit of tennis?
Oh, it didn't traumatise me.

It didn't? But I haven't...
Actually, I haven't played against

a machine before. Right.
And obviously

it makes us always think about when
the machines do turn.

Will eventually take over.
What's it going to be like?

And I don't think it'll just be
tennis ba*ls. No.

All right.

Blimey, they're brilliant stories.
We need an answer.

So, is Elliot Stephen's high—flying
helper,

Gemma's tough trainer,

or David's rapid responder?

I think it's David that's
telling the truth.

You think David was hit
with tennis ba*ls to the point

where he couldn't move cos he
thought he was accidentally

trapped in a 1970s sitcom?

What do you think about the flight
steward one?

Cos that... Flight steward.
I mean, he screams flight steward.

The only thing about that story that
I didn't quite believe, Stephen,

is that you said, "Oh, I can stretch
out in the toilets.”

The bit that I don't believe
about Stephen's story is that at

no point he asked, "How long
was I in there for?"

And also, wouldn't you have known
because you'd have gone in,

"Oh, we're over Paris or something.”

If he's going over Paris
from America

to Manchester, he's lost.

Yes.

So, you think it's David?
I think Gemma.

You think Gemma. I think it might
be Gemma as well.

Let's do it, yeah. Shall we go with
Gemma? Let's go with Gemma.

You're saying Gemma. So, Elliot,
would you please reveal

your true identity?

I'm Elliot and Gemma broke
out of our weight loss boot camp.

Yes!

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Elliot. Yes, Elliot
is Gemma's tough trainer.

Thank you very much, Elliot.

Well done, Elliot!

Which brings us to our final
round - Quick fire Lies.

And we start with...

BUZZER
It's Sally. Oh!

Because I thought he was someone
else, I once revealed

all to a cleaner.

Oh. David's team. Revealed all?

Now, in what sense do you mean
that phrase?

Physically. Physically?

You stripped off.

Did you know them at all? No.

So, who did you think
they were and why?

I thought he was a doctor.

Right. Were you at a doctor's
surgery?

I was in hospital. Where?

Where? On the border of Sidcup
and Greenwich.

That's precise. Yep.

So, I was pregnant. I was
cheggers with twins.

And when you're cheggers with twins,
they are really paranoid.

So, loads of people came in to have
a look at my birthing canal.

Can I put it like that?

And when you've been checked that
many times

in that area, you just get really
used to it and you just give

it like... Boof, out!

And the first doctor came in.

Boof, out.

Second doctor came in.

Boof, out.

You know, you don't really care.

And, you know, and they go,
"Oh. Not sure. Not sure.”

And there's a knock on the door.
SHE KNOCKS

And this bloke came in, white coat.

I went - boof, out! And he went,
"No, no, no! I'm the cleaner!"

Did he say, "I was only supposed to
do the floor and the windowsills"?

All right. Gemma, what do you think?
You live up north.

Why would you be in Sidcup
and Greenwich?

Yeah. How could you possibly be
somewhere other

than where you live?

Cos I thought you get assigned
a hospital and you have to go there.

They wouldn't treat you. They'd hear
your vowels and you'd go,

"This isn't for you!"

I, conversely, think that if this
was a lie,

Sally would not have invented
the hospital in the south.

So, that's exactly why I think
it's true.

LAUGHTER

What about you, Stephen?

I think Sally is too bright...

...to spread her legs for a cleaner,
just cos he was in a white coat.

I think we should find a nicer
way to say that.

Can I do what Sally did? Boof!

If you wish. Yes.
Maybe not with the noise.

So...

You think it's a lie?

I'm leaning more towards lie.

Only because... The Sidcup bit.

No, no! I buy the Sidcup bit.

I buy that. I just think Sally's not
that daft.

I'm very, very comfortable
with this situation.

I think it's true, but I'm not
going to overrule you.

We're going to go "lie".
Oh, no. Yeah.

All right, let's find out.

Sally, was it true or was it a lie?

It was...

...true.
Oh!

GEMMA: Damn, sorry.
APPLAUSE

I did!

It's true, Sally once revealed all
to a hospital cleaner.

It was a long day!

BUZZER
That noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that Lee's team
have won by three points to two.

DAVID: That was the clincher!

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.