02x07 - Shiva

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God,
we've been to 1,500 places,

and my feet are frickin'
k*lling me.

For the love of Larry Bird,
please tell me

you don't hate this one, too.

It is so cute.

Decent closet space.

Water pressure's wild.
You basically have

a mini Niagara Falls in there.

-I think I love it.
-All right, here we go!

You're an adult now,
grown-a*s lady.

Wow. I can't believe
this is gonna be mine.

I'm really gonna live here.

Like, I'm gonna wake up here
in the morning,

you know, and-and make
a little cup of coffee,

and... and just sit here
and enjoy the view.

But also, I actually really like
it when the blinds are down.

I feel like it just has
a nice, mysterious vibe.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.

This ice cream's
your higher power?

-Why not?
-Okay.

I love it. I love it.
My-my Bat Mitzvah theme

was Ben & Jerry's flavors.

Weird impulse
to want to lick your God.

Also, can I just be honest?

I feel like you can do better
than this flavor.

Like, what even is it?

It's maple pecan bacon.
It was my dad's favorite.

Samantha.

No. Okay, it's not
a dead dad, thing, okay?

It's just
it's dead dad adjacent.

Your dad was very,
very fallible.

He clearly had terrible taste
in ice cream.

-He left you and your mom.

Don't make me go through
the whole speech again, please.

-We're both better than that.
-Okay, I won't. I won't.

But, you know, if I let go
of him, what's left?

Well, that's exactly the point.

Babe, space.

You will have the space

to really let something else in.

Yeah, it just...
It better not be God.

She's really not for me.

Don't put pressure on yourself
to figure it all out.

Just leave it open

and allow it to come in.

Higher powers are like
p*rn*graphy.

You'll know it when you see it.

-What if it is p*rn*graphy?
-Oh, my God.

-You're insane.
No, it's not. It's not.

I want mint chocolate chip.
Come on.

So when am I gonna see
this apartment of yours?

Not for a while.

All right?
'Cause I know you're gonna ask

about murders and mold,

and the landlord'll get
super annoyed and kick me out

before I even get
one night's sleep there.

-Samantha.
-Mom.

I'm gonna respect the boundaries
you are setting right now.

Wow. Thank you.

If you ever, for any reason,

need to come back,
you always have a home here.

Thank you, Mom.

Okay, the movers will be by
later for the rest of this.

-Okay.
-And I love you.

Love you, too.

-Bye.
-Bye.

So, when does
this runner's high kick in?

Oh, I don't... I don't run.
It's terrible for the knees.

-Why the hell am I doing it?
-Because you refused

-to do squats.
-Oh, yeah.

-Uh, how-how is she?
-She's good.

She's Carol. Actually,
she's kind of like Carol 2.0.

Kind of seems like
she's actually trying

to be better, at least a little.

-Oh.

Maybe I should call her.
Should I call her?

No, Bob, you shouldn't call her.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-It's got to be
on her to call you.

-You know what I mean? Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.

Maybe just a text?
Like an article she might like,

-or a recipe.
-No.

-No.
-No contact.

I don't want to do that, either.

-All right, well, um,
how do you feel?
-The same.

-Yeah? Okay.
-Yeah.

But, hey, maybe next time,
we go see a movie.

You know?
Maybe we're movie friends.

I don't ever want
to do this again.

Okay, well, uh, as long
as we can keep hanging out,

that'd be great, you know?

I just really enjoy having a
stepdaughter figure in my life.

-A stepdaughter figure?
-Yeah.

Come here, Bob.

-Thank you.
-I'm sorry I'm so sweaty.

No, actually, you're not. You
did four minutes and 18 seconds.

But you know what I always say--
"No pain, some gain."

-Yeah.
-Huh.

The courage to change
the things we can

and the wisdom
to know the difference.

Keep coming back.

It works if you work it.

I know.

So, I know we don't get speeches
for 60 days,

but just want to say,
I'm here to stay.

-Not getting rid of me.
-Mm.

I have nine years,
not that we're comparing.

Feels like we're comparing.

Sometimes a healthy competition
is... it's a good thing.

Uh, I don't know about that.

-Hi.
-Hey. Welcome back.

-Thanks.
-It's nice to see you here.

It's really nice to be here.

I don't know what it is, but

I've never felt more connected
to people.

Today felt different.

Yeah, it felt different.
It definitely did, yeah.

It-it didn't, actually.
I really wanted...

I wanted to feel something,
but I just felt sweaty palms.

That's 'cause you stand
next to Mark in the circle.

You ate all the cookies,
but didn't leave any money

in the basket? Come on.

What's the point of...

Uh, hi.

Hi. I am, uh, really sorry

about everything that happened
after Dean's funeral.

Yeah, you came at me
pretty hard.

I did, didn't I? Yeah.

I'm sorry. That day kind
of spun me out, and, uh...

Turns out I have really
shitty coping mechanisms, so...

Yeah, I have the same ones,
but I appreciate the apology.

-Cool.
-Cool.

Can we, um, start over?

Hi. I'm James.

Sam. Nice to meet you.

-Hmm.
-Congrats on 60 days.

-Thank you.
-Mm.

Yeah. Friends can hug, right?

I think
I've seen friends hug before.

Yeah, of course, of course.

Oh, look at you two.

Back on your
heteronormative bullshit.

Hi.

-Hey. Yo.
-Uh, Happy Divorce Day.

Happy Divorce Day.

-So, uh...
-Hey, uh,

before we sign the papers,
you want a little toursky?

See the house you were
supposed to live in?

I kid.

But seriously, though,
I mean, the bathroom

-has a bidet.
-I don't doubt it.

I mean, Joel,
this house is gorgeous.

-Thank you.
-The porch is so cute.

-Yeah.
-Look at these plants

-Yeah.
-and bespoke detail.

-Right? Came out good, I think.
-Yeah.

Hey, do you ever think
about painting the door?

Yeah, you would have
chosen orange.

-Then we'd be in hot water
with the HOA.
-See?

Designing this house together
totally would have done us in.

-Yeah.

So, should we sign the papers?

Sure. Yeah. After you.

And sign here, too, right?

Joel? You okay?

Was it me?

Is it my fault
that we didn't work out?

Wasn't you.

I guess it all comes down to...
I wasn't ready yet.

And I needed
to live more and grow up,

and I had no business
being married yet.

Not to you, not to anyone.

You know how we had that joke
that if I had a chance

with Michael B. Jordan,
all bets would be off?

That was more your joke
than our joke, but, yeah.

Uh, the point is...

...I wouldn't have
married him either.

I really hated hurting you.

And I've been
punishing myself for it.

But it just... it wasn't time.

-I shouldn't have said yes.
-No, this is on me, too.

I knew something wasn't right.

All the warning signs
were there.

I just didn't check in.

You know, I just...

I ran away with things,

and I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Well,

at least you got
a really nice house out of it.

Yeah. I mean, I really ran away
with a fantasy, though.

-Like, I put marble everywhere.
-Oh.

You know that bidet
that you liked?

I put one in every bathroom.

Oh, well,
no one is mad at a bidet.

I'm a little mad
at these bidets.

They were several
thousand dollars, from Japan.

They say "hi" to you.

Well, that's it.

We are officially divorced.

-Should we celebrate?
-Um...

-We should celebrate.
-Okay.

I can cook us dinner.

I actually have two ovens
'cause I thought

we were gonna do a ton
of hosting,

but we never even had
a housewarming party.

Well, let's have
a divorce party.

Yes, we could just have
a proper goodbye to all of this.

Sure. I accidentally just bought
a case of probiotic soda

from Costco, and I've
been meaning to unload it,

so that actually
works really well.

Oh, and I've got, like,
40 frozen pot pies

-in the freezer.
-Oh, I'm gonna stop you there.

-We're gonna order food. Yeah.
-Order food, yeah.

That's what I was thinking,
too. Like, we can do that.

Let me just check

on that real quick, okay?

Hey.

-Hey, beautiful.
-Hi.

-I brought you
some hot chocolate.
-Huh?

-Mm-hmm.
-You never come in
during the middle of the day.

What's going on?

Uh, can't a guy just bring
something sweet to his sweetie?

Thank you so much.

-That was very sweet of you.

But, uh, you know,
I got to get to Mrs. Harris.

She falls asleep in the chair if
I don't get to her immediately.

-So...
-Oh.

But I'll see you at Brit
and Joel's tonight, right?

Yeah, for sure. There's, um...

There's actually something
I want to talk to you about.

Oh. Mmm.

-See you tonight?
-Yeah.

-Bye, Petey.
-Bye.

He is such
a little honeybutt, right?

-Let me see your hands.
-What?

Let me see your hands.

Ay, mami, you need
to go get a manicure, stat.

-I just got these done.
You don't like the plaid?
-No.

That man is proposing
to you tonight.

-No.
-Sí.

What?

-Mm-hmm.
-No.

-Mm-hmm.
-You don't know

what you're talking about, Tina.
That's crazy.

b*tch, I've been
engaged four times.

-You have?
-And divorced twice.

-Oh.
-I'd do red.

It really makes diamonds pop.

Hey.

-Alex?

Alex?

-Oh, hey.
-Hey. Uh,

where is everybody? I thought
there was a staff meeting.

No, I cancelled that.

Um, listen,
are you sure you're okay?

'Cause you've never canceled
a meeting before.

Maybe I'm a just boss
that's excited for the weekend.

-Alex, come on.
-All right.

No. You know what?
I needed a break.

I come in here every day
and I have to see you.

And all I want to do is
be in a relationship with you,

but I know that's a dead end.

So, this just all sucks,
and I don't know what to do.

I-I get it. I do.

I-I have to avoid
eye contact with you

every time you walk by my desk
to go to the bathroom.

-Have you been drinking a lot
of coffee, by the way?
-No.

I'm actually doing this
whole water thing now. It...

-Uh, that's good.
-Yeah.

Even strangers
on the street tell me

I look severely
dehydrated, so...

Uh, I-I don't mean to be weird,

but how are we gonna
get past this

and continue to work together?

Yeah, I just...

I really love this job,
you know?

I get paid to write.

So...

if someone has to leave, it's...

it's not gonna be me.

He can't fire you.

I mean, I don't think so,
but you never know.

I really don't want to go back
to the grocery store.

Well, I'm just
putting it out there.

I did appreciate the discount.

-So, what are you gonna do?
-I don't know.

Send out résumés, pray to a god
I don't believe in?

Wow. This is, like,
a real house.

It's really nice.

I guess he is good
at building stuff.

-Huh.
-His art is terrible, though.

-Mm.
-Hey, uh, thanks for driving me.

Oh, you're welcome. I just...

I really can't be alone
with Pete right now.

-But you love Pete.
-I do love Pete.

But I also love
not being married to Pete.

I'm a free spirit.
Like, that time

I almost got that bird tattooed
on my lower back,

but then I backed out
because I can't commit.

Yeah, I remember.
That was a really long night.

There's just so much stuff
I want to do, know you?

Like, I really want
to go to New Zealand

and, like, be on
Wheel of Fortune.

I just don't want
to be stuck forever.

I basically built all this,
which was nice,

'cause I was alone so much,

so hearing the drill
was kind of nice

to get away from that kind of
crippling silence, you know?

-Yes.
-And then, oh, also, um,

if you look at this end table,

you'll notice
there are no screws or nails

or glue anywhere, so...

Huh. That's interesting.

I had no idea that was a thing.

Oh, my God. This is in
the kanawa tsugi style?

You know kanawa tsugi?

Do I know about traditional
Japanese wood-joinery?

Of course I do.

I took a couple
woodworking classes in college.

-I can't believe
you know about kanawa tsugi.
-Yeah.

It's like our friendship
was meant to be, dude.

-It's crazy. It's unbelievable.

Are those real butter crackers?

Yeah.

I don't eat crackers,
but I need to not be here.

Also, I mean, how about this?
It's, like,

we could be in our own
buddy cop movie or something.

Right? Right? Right?

-All right,
what's your favorite color?
-Uh... okay.

-On the count of three?
-Sure.

One, two, three.

Blue, but sometimes green!

-Dude, what?
That's unbelievable.
-Oh, my God.

I was... I was gonna wear
a green shirt today.

-Hey, Joel.
-Oh, no.

-Don't worry.
I'm not gonna jump you.
-Okay.

I mean, not with
this many witness around.

-Right. Yes.
-I'm kidding.

-You're joking. Good.
-I'm really sorry about that.

I was in a bad place,
if that wasn't obvious.

-Yeah. No, I kind of
picked up on that.
-Right.

Listen, I don't know why
you'd want to be my friend

-after that,
but if you did, we could...
-No. Sam, stop.

It's not like
it's the first insane thing

I've ever seen you do, so...

-Let's just...
-Want to eat something?

-I would love to do that.
You want cookies?
-Yeah. Yeah.

-Oh.
-Oh, finally.

-I've been hoping
to get a moment alone with you.

-Oh, come here.
-Wait. No, no, no. No.

This cannot be happening
in front of a bidet.

What?

-Are you proposing?
- No.

Are you?

-What? No.
-What?

What? Why have you
been acting so weird?

Okay.

I have you some news
I want to share with you.

Okay.

I, um... I got an offer from
a private practice in Michigan.

-Wow.
-What?

Okay, yeah.

Here I am thinking you were
gonna ask me for forever, but...

you're breaking up with me.

Oh, no, no. No, I don't
want to break up with you.

No. I-I know it's a lot,

and I know
we got to think about Zacky,

but I found a place
near a good school, big yard.

So, do you want
to say "screw it"?

Try it for a year,
go on an adventure?

Uh, um, uh...

I-I just need...

Hello.

-Um, no, I got
to get out of here.
-Uh...

-Hello.

I really need some air, Sammy.

-sh*t.
-What's wrong?

You guys, that son of a b*tch
is moving to Michigan.

-He is?
-Yeah. He took a job there.

What, am I gonna go
to the New England of the West?

-They haven't even won
one frickin' Super Bowl.
-Um...

-I'm divorced.
-Yeah.

I'm gonna have to click
the box that says "divorced"

when I fill out forms.

If I play "Never Have I Ever,"
and they say,

"Hey, have you ever been
divorced?," I'm gonna drink.

Okay, yeah, but you never have
to play "Never Have I Ever"

-'cause we're too old for that.
-Right.

But I feel so young.

-Okay.
-I mean, my life
is complete freedom.

I could do anything. Uh, I could
hike the Appalachian Trail,

-go see the mountains.
-Ooh, now that I could get into.

And everyone's always saying

they find God in the mountains,
you know,

-so maybe that could be
my higher power.
Wait a minute.

What's happening here?
This is my freedom fantasy.

No, actually, this is my
"boyfriend's moving" freak-out.

-Oh, that's right. I'm sorry.
-Yeah.

-I think I'm tired.
-You guys want to call it?

All right, sleep well, Sammy.

-Love you.
-Love you.

Our problems belong
to Tomorrow Us.

: Yeah.

Hey, happy new place.

-Thank you. I love you both.
-Love you.

-Love you.
-Bye.

Oh, come on.

-Hi.

Oh, my God.

Please tell me
you didn't relapse.

No, I didn't.
Why would you ask me that?

Babe, you slept on a roof.

I actually didn't sleep at all.

I came up here, and I...

I don't know.
Everything kind of fell away.

And I felt really small

and kind of insignificant.

-But in cool way, you know?
-Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And then my pen got hot
and I started writing,

and I couldn't stop.

You found it.

I'm really proud of you.

Thank you.

What the hell is that bag?

-Oh! Your housewarming presents.

Okay, so, you know,
addiction and anxiety.

-You got IBS.
-I have IBS.

Yeah, same.

I don't think you're ready
to keep anything alive yet.

-That is fake.
-Okay.

You don't have to water it.

In case you wanted to go red.

Really?

This is... Oh.

This is for your...
upper lip hair.

It's not really housewarming.

I just didn't know
how to tell you.

And... earplugs

for the guy upstairs
blasting Tom Petty.

-What guy?
-I don't know.
There's always a guy.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

I want to stay up here.

-Maybe I would look good
with red hair.
-Let's do it!

Really?
-Yeah. I'll do my eyebrows.