01x02 - What just happened to me?

[bunniefuu]

Any areas of your body

you don't want me to touch?

Um

- My butt. No butt.

- Butt is off-limits. No butt.

I wanna address before we get

on the table that your arousal is okay,

and if you get an erection

during this, that is okay.

Okay.

You have total permission

to have an erection.

If it happens, we're all good.

So you're gonna undress

as much as you're comfortable,

and then you start face down on the table.

All right, okay.

Culturally, we don't see a lot of models

for how true communication,

vulnerable, honest communication happens

between couples talking

about sex, thinking about sex.

Everybody's always

putting on a face of, like,

"We're really great," at the dinner party.

- It's just not the case, you know?

- Right.

There's always stuff going on.

I've just recently

read an article that said

we should stop saying

that we're happily married.

Like, it doesn't do anybody

any service to just say that.

That there's other parts to it,

and that's giving people ideas of thinking

that they are not happily married.

It's true.

My dad was

the funniest person in the world,

and he and my mother had a long marriage

before he unfortunately died.

And they were married, I think, 33 years.

And they were being interviewed,

I think for a morning show, one time,

and, um, the interviewer said to them,

"So, what's the secret?"

"You guys have been married

all this time and you have this"

"In Hollywood especially."

And my dad said, "You know, we never

wanted to get divorced at the same time."

Yeah.

So I think it, like, beautifully states,

right, how Like, that's what it is.

Yeah. That's awesome.

And when you're living together,

sharing a bed year after year.

- Sharing a bathroom, raising kids

- You're roommates.

A completely different relationship.

- Mm-hmm.

- And so it makes perfect sense,

it's only natural that that spark, uh,

that got the relationship started

is no longer there.

There's something so incredible

when you are willing

to ongoingly work on your relationship

and to say,

"We're not going with the status quo,

and we're also not breaking up."

- That takes a lot of guts, you know, to

- Yeah.

Do it over.

I was afraid that if I move on,

I would be in the same spot in ten years.

- You would.

- You would.

I mean

We were listening

to a podcast driving up here,

and they were talking about

the nice guy syndrome and how,

as a guy who wants to just please

your wife, like, "Happy wife, happy life,"

you think you're doing everything right,

yet the woman is left totally unfulfilled.

I was ready to tattoo the phrase

"Happy wife, happy life."

- My God. I would've walked out that day.

- I was gonna tattoo it to my face.

She did warn me that

if I did something like that,

that it may not go over well.

But I was so committed to that.

And what you end up with is a relationship

where the man is basically

circling around the woman's needs.

Well, it's like a little boy and a mom.

- And so then when

- The boy wanting to please his mommy.

It doesn't It's not sexy, I think.

You know, so, we're kind of at a loss.

But I think the greater problem

is that there are no narratives

for good sex or a sexual relationship

that's healthy in a long-term marriage.

And so that's why I'm very excited

about learning from these experts,

because they do seem to have the secret.

They seem to have the secrets.

While there's nothing wrong

with the way you praise her,

for the sexual occasion,

it's not going to produce the outcome.

- Right?

- Right.

We're gonna work with your bodies

in a way that

you can interact with each other

from that place of softness and strength.

What Rama and Felicitas were experiencing

and what they came to us for

is very common.

- Okay.

- Yep.

Okay. Give me a pull. Give me a pull.

The kind of dynamic that they had was

a little boy/overcritical mother dynamic.

And so, they wanted to learn how to

redefine themselves as a husband and wife

playing in the erotic.

- Do we have blindfolds?

- Yes.

- Okay.

- Cool.

Yes. Ah.

- Rama, you can pick one.

- Big and small.

Yeah. Pick one for

- Oh. We will each wear

- No, just for her.

- Just for her? Okay. Let's do a soft one.

- Okay, good.

So, here Wait, wait, wait,

hold on, hold on, hold on.

He's like

Okay, so, we're gonna do this right.

We're now playing with the sexual dynamic.

So, you're going

to put that blindfold on her

in a way that delights her entire body.

- See, she just tensed up

- Mm-hmm.

by the pure idea of that happening.

Even though she likes it,

her body goes, "Let's see what you got."

I don't know if you saw that.

Did you see that?

- I did actually.

- Yeah.

Yeah. She has a very specific look

on her face when it's like,

"Uh, I don't know."

Because I feel he's in this, like

Of course, but that's not for you to

I know, but it's

But what I'm saying is,

you don't have to say that.

- Your body says that.

- Okay.

Right? You don't exactly

have a poker face.

I know that.

I've heard that before.

So, exactly.

So, he's aware.

One of the dynamics we want to break

is the little boy/mommy dynamic

where you go,

"I don't like the way he looks right now."

- Well, so what?

- Yeah.

He doesn't know.

He's never done this before.

- He'll figure it out.

- Yes.

And we know he can,

because he's named after one

of the greatest epic stories in the world.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

And he's the king within that story.

So why wouldn't he figure it out?

- You know?

- Yeah.

When I work with very

ingrained relationship dynamics,

it's useful to give names

that trigger the ability

to enter their sexual personas.

We started calling him King Rama

as a means of inviting the grown man,

the, you know, adult to the sexual place.

See if you can do this

from the king place.

Right.

Drop your energy.

Now enter the b*ttlefield

as the king that you are.

Traditionally speaking,

there has to be attraction

between the two partners

in some way

that galvanizes the sexual action.

We sometimes call it sexual polarity

or erotic friction, which is

There's a tension between two poles.

It's another way of saying

opposites attract.

There's a soft, surrendering aspect,

and there is a focused, guiding aspect.

That's what makes for that

that hotness.

Okay.

You can take her blindfold off.

Well.

That was pretty good.

That is a high compliment

from the lips of Felicitas.

So, if you knew all along,

then why don't you do that?

I'm kidding. This was so spot on.

So, let's rewind this.

You got to get into the habit of,

"That was good, I liked this,"

without criticizing it right afterwards.

Okay.

Something I'm a real stickler for

is that sexual feedback

is not given in the moment.

Why not?

Because you start having

negative associations.

- Oh. Interesting.

- Right?

Because essentially, bodies are

built to remember things, right?

And sexual engagement

has to do a lot with biochemistry

and the nervous system,

and relaxing and opening.

When you get negative feedback

in a place where you're supposed

to open up and feel hot and heavy,

it's very likely that

you're not gonna be as open

the next time you're in that place.

It's so hard to sometimes take

the step back because we're just often

so caught up in our emotions.

And at the same time, I was shocked

when I realized,

"There are different ways to communicate."

We're human beings, we all have problems,

we all have unresolved stuff.

You gotta stay curious, especially when

there's some friction points in your life,

and things aren't feeling

exactly as they should,

which is just part of the process

of being a human being, right?

Yeah.

Thank you for acknowledging

that this is something that we need.

Unfortunately, as Black people,

we don't have those conversations much.

I grew up with girlfriends whose parents

were doctors, so I went to therapy.

I was like, "No problem!"

I didn't feel weird about it.

For him, I think it's different.

I think culturally, there is a stigma.

Myself, I'm not opposed to the therapy,

but I feel like if there's

something I need to talk about,

I talk to her about it.

So, why come to sex therapy together?

Because sometimes it feels like

I'm not figuring it out, you know?

Sometimes she feels like

I'm not hearing her.

I love you.

I love you too.

Well, okay.

It's been an argument for a while that

he's wanted kids, and I've been not ready.

I feel like there's some things that

we need help with, both sexually and

Initiating? He hasn't tried the things

that I said would make me wanna try more.

You want more sex, I'm telling you

here's how to get more sex,

but you're not willing to do it.

So we need somebody neutral,

kind of, I think to

- Yeah.

- To help.

All right.

So, just nice, big, deep breath.

We're gonna do the same thing we did

on you, we're gonna start energetic.

So, start with your hands above his body.

- Kinda play with the hairs.

- Mm-hmm.

You know, like,

just barely touching them.

It gives a little bit of stimulation,

but it's still energetic.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh. Did you see that?

Damon's quiz results said

that he was the sexual blueprint.

The sexual is someone who's turned on

by what we think of as sex in our culture.

Intercourse, orgasms,

penetration, genitals, nudity.

Take a finger.

And you're gonna

spiral in towards his nipple.

But there's who we think

we need to be as erotic beings,

and then there's

who we really are as erotic beings.

Then check in with him.

On a scale of one to five,

how pleasurable is this?

Yeah, that's like a 47.

Forty-seven.

We've gone up the scale.

He can't even

think of the numbers.

You're a candidate

for a full-body orgasm.

Mm.

There's this thing in our culture with,

especially, cisgendered, heterosexual men,

of, this is how you're supposed to be

when you're orgasming.

It's easy. It's like, okay,

slot A goes into slot B,

and expl*sive!

And that's how it works.

We need to include

all the expressions of pleasure.

It doesn't have to be genital-focused

orgasm. It can be anywhere on their body.

How does that feel?

That's a four.

- That's a four?

- That's a five.

- And now it's a five.

- Oh.

And let's start to just play

with dragging it up and down the leg.

Okay.

Across.

See how he's getting, like,

goose pimples all over?

These goose pimples show

how he's able to uptake pleasure.

- Mm-hmm.

- It's an erection in each hair follicle.

My hair is getting hard.

And Damon, I'll have you

breathe in and out your mouth.

And then just let it fall out like

Ah.

Good. Now exhale

and relax all the muscles.

You noticing that shiver in your body?

Mm-hmm.

It's because there's a lot of energy

that wants to move through your body,

and you're holding a little tension of it.

Yeah, see how that's moving now?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. Let it shake.

It's okay. It's orgasmic energy.

Oh, man.

- Yeah.

- Big tears.

- Ah.

- See this? This is energetic orgasm.

I bet you didn't know you could have

energetic orgasms. Did you?

If you want to lay

your chest over his chest

and then just squeeze his arms

towards his body.

I'm really sensitive.

Mm-hmm.

I think we just opened you up

in your true blueprint.

I love you.

Mmm. I love you so much, baby.

Oh, I love you too.

So look in each other's eyes.

Right here.

I love you.

Love you too, baby.

I think you're gonna

sleep really good tonight.

Mm.

When I was watching

some of the footage of Erika and Damon

When he was receiving, it was

so vulnerable and emotional for him.

And I thought, "Gosh, like,

we've never really seen this before."

It's so antithetical to our kind

of archetypal male in the bedroom.

I think in general, most men associate

weakness with that kind of surrender.

Are those little tears?

We are orgasmic beings,

and our natural state

is one of bliss and pleasure.

Every cell in our bodies

is wired for pleasure.

And so, I think this is just an opening

of our body to our true state of being.

And so we're raising a baseline

of how we normally operate,

and stress, and cortisol, and going

through life, not present, not here.

And then when we hit a state

where we feel what's actually really here,

it's overwhelming.

And so we have phenomenon, we have

the body shaking and jerking and twitching

as it's trying to assimilate so much

moving through our bodies.

I'll tell you a bit about

your blueprint and his blueprint.

Okay.

So, a lot of times,

people can take on a masking

Okay, yeah.

um, of "This is how I'm supposed to be

as a man sexually in the world,"

because it's how they've been taught

that they're supposed to be.

So, you're actually an energetic

with sexual, sensual underneath that.

Which is good news for the two of you

because you're both very high energetics.

So, what do you notice

in your body now?

It feels like after sex.

Yay!

Guess what.

You did actually just have sex.

Mm.

It's just that the sexual's definition

of sex is intercourse.

The energetic's definition of sex

is what you just experienced.

Oh my gosh.

What just happened to me?

So are you a happy man?

I'm super giddy right now.

I guess that might be

a by-product of what happened today.

I mean, um

No matter

what it looked like on camera

Man, if you haven't felt that before

I actually can't

correctly describe it.

I'm just enjoying this feeling right now.

And I'm super excited

to learn how to keep doing this,

and for us to keep doing this.

So, yeah.

It just expanded my whole body.

It was the same feeling

that I usually have after sex.

Turned all the way up.

I can still feel it right now.

I can still feel it right now,

and I've never had this feeling

last this long or go that high.

And it's really good also

because we're in

the same category, sexually.

I'm really wondering

what's in store for the next two days.

I mean, this was just the beginning,

and I'm already ratcheted up this high.

sh**t.

My d*ck might fall off.

All right.

So, we're gonna go a little bit more

into a sensitivity-building exercise

where you're transmitting

a bit of energy back and forth.

You can put your blindfolds on.

And once you have your blindfolds on,

you stay touching palm to palm.

Perfect.

So, the key here is to go back

Exactly. And now the other way.

Reverse direction.

with your breath.

Good.

Felicitas and Rama, they're very heady,

intellectually-oriented people.

So, when we take sight away

and connect bodies,

the externally-referenced

thinking subsides.

This particular exercise

amplifies the erotic attraction.

And so now Felicitas can

actually track your natural breath

because you're leading.

It has a leading and following quality

that programs the body to learn

the principles of that erotic friction.

In a very short period of time, even with

people who are not feeling very sexy,

it can get very sexy.

Can I get somebody to get some music?

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

Good. And so now

Rama, from here in a moment,

you can lead Felicitas on a little journey

through your inner landscape.

"This is who I am right now."

"This is me as love."

"This is love moving through me."

Felicitas, all you need to do

is allow yourself to follow along.

And, seamlessly,

Felicitas is taking over.

"Oh yeah, feel my heart.

Here is my heart. This is how I love."

"This is who I am as a sexual being."

"Come along on the ride

through my inner sexual landscape."

And then Rama is taking back over.

Felicitas really loves when

she doesn't have to think and control.

And she gets very happy,

and you can see it in her face.

She softens, she becomes bright,

her body relaxes,

she giggles, she's playful,

and he really loves when

she allows him to take over,

and it makes for a very different,

and I think, very rich-to-explore dynamic

between the two of them.

And now you can, uh, use your entire body.

As women, we've sort of given

ourselves so much responsibility,

and we work really hard,

we're raising our kids,

we're cooking and

we're trying to be all of these things,

and we've sort of forgotten the importance

of, at least for me, of, like,

getting completely back

into the softness of the body.

It might be different for people

of different genders and relationships,

but for me, it's so restorative

when I can be completely open

and soft and vulnerable

and not in control,

and I really only have that

within the context of my marriage.

There is still also a bit of stigma around

wanting to be soft and surrendered.

Or that it's, you know, against feminism

- Exactly. Yes.

- to submit to your partner sexually.

Yes. Yes.

But it's a voluntary act

that actually is very empowering.

And this is, by the way,

the same for q*eer couples,

l*sbian couples, g*y

- It doesn't matter.

- Right.

It's active surrender and not,

um, you know, passive surrender.

You're not just, like,

flopping over, being a doormat.

You're actively saying,

"There's another part of me."

Right.

And you're actually really good at that.

I like to be in that state.

Yeah. Brad likes it too

that you're in that state.

Let's see how much fun we can make this.

Wonderful.

- The king's pillow.

- The king. The king.

Good.

At the very end,

we put Rama on his king chair,

so he was comfortable,

his body was open and relaxed,

but also as a symbol for him

taking his seat as a grown, adult man

within that relationship,

versus the little boy.

And Felicitas is submissive in the sense

that she's not calling the shots.

So it's her antidote to the general.

You're gonna essentially go like

"Here." You know?

Uh, exactly. And you're gonna tell her

what you'd like for her to do.

- Okay.

- You know, "Come here. On your knees."

- "Do this. Do that."

- Yes.

Uh, maybe sit on him?

I was just gonna say. But that would mean

I am giving him a lap dance on Netflix.

- Are you up for this? Good. Good.

- Yeah.

So, where should I

- That's up to the king.

- Okay.

I would like you to start

over there at that window.

Okay.

Do you want

a bit of music in the background?

- Sure.

- Yeah.

Take one of those mats.

And roll it out here in front of me.

And walk the catwalk for me a little bit.

Ooh.

I love the way you look when you crawl.

That's what the mat is for, my dear.

All right.

Ooh.

Why don't you have a seat here?

Turn around.

How was that?

That was excellent.

Okay. Very nice.

Did you have moments in this

where you felt the spark?

Yes. The tease. I just love

a lot of flirting and all of that.

Okay, good. Is there anything

that you would want more of

or something that

you absolutely don't want to do?

- I think you did a really good job

- Mm-hmm.

but you were trying to be very nice.

- So, in the privacy of your own home

- Right.

he could be a little bit dirtier?

Maybe dirtier

and just focusing on the commands.

- Okay, so that's very, very good feedback.

- Okay.

Even now, the way he's sitting there is

he's much more, you know, there.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

And that has to do with him

finding it in his body,

but also you treating him as such.

Yes.

I feel a sense of relief.

I feel a weight has been lifted because

I feel like Felicitas

really saw me for who I am.

A creative leader,

intimately and sexually.

And I want to be seen, period.

I want to be seen, heard

and recognized and acknowledged, right?

But when you grab for respect,

that doesn't work.

Respect is something you have to earn,

and so it's gonna take time.

We're just getting started.

I think what I would like

people to know is that

we often are in situations

where we really see no path forward,

and it's amazing once you slow down.

I did not expect

that we could make these leaps.

And so, that really has me

kind of in awe of what is possible.

I think oftentimes

we're triggered and reacting,

and I think in those moments

we can destroy so much.

But if we can figure out a way

to open our hearts more and try to listen

And oftentimes, you know,

we do need help for that.

I think we can be an example

for how much there is actually to explore

when you think there's nothing left,

and that could be helpful

to a lot of people.

I wanna hear all about

how you're doing this morning.

I'm just really relaxed.

Woke up feeling really good.

- At first, trying to come down

- Uh-huh.

That was Yeah, I was stuck up here.

- Yeah.

- Uh-huh.

And I was like, "Just calm down,

calm down, calm down." You know?

Woosah, woosah.

- And Yeah.

- To ground yourself.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

So, part of it, too,

is getting used to that place,

and your baseline being

you're operating in the world,

living in a beautiful, orgasmic place.

Wow.

So

I just pictured myself

walking down the street

I get that frequently.

When people first have this experience,

"What do I do with that energy?"

"How do I play with that energy?"

And so that can be kind of a scary moment.

Integration is about

now taking this home.

And so, the integration

that I designed for Erika and Damon

was about helping them do this,

'cause this experience is great,

but it doesn't mean anything

if they go back to their default mode.

All right. So, I'm here

with my partner, Ian. This is Ian.

- Great to meet you.

- Hey, Ian.

The two of you both being energetic,

I wanna show you

just a teeny bit of what's possible.

One of the things that really helped me

to continue to open to the energetic

was the game of "Yes."

Just say yes.

So this kind of thing of, where you're

playing with the energy of your hands,

and do you feel warmth,

it's simply being able to be

present enough and open enough

to just say,

"Okay, yes, I feel something."

"I'm just going to say yes to it,"

instead of this head trip of,

"What's it mean? Where does it go?"

"Is this erotic? Is this"

All of the things, of the judgments

that might push a sensation away

and just continue to be in the yes.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna wear a blindfold

just because I don't want

anybody to think I'm cheating.

Okay, you ready?

- We're ready.

- Okay.

All right. I'd love for you to start

- Little grounding?

- with a little grounding. Yeah.

Like, one hand either pubic bone or heart.

Okay.

Ooh.

Oh

Ah.

Ooh.

Hold still.

Then very slowly, like you're

pulling a thread, just start to pull.

Ooh. Slow. Slow.

- Are you at the top of my head too? Yeah?

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

So, Damon, see how I'm letting it

move through my whole chest?

There's tension, right?

The tension happens in the body,

and I have to let it

move through my whole heart

and then into my neck

so that that energy moves

through your whole spine.

Right there's the sweet spot.

That's where I feel it the most.

And then he'll start to get it too.

Whoo!

Okay.

- Okay.

- sh*t.

She went zero to 60 like that.

So, that was incredible.

- If you could be total still.

- Yeah.

Thank you.

To me, it really looked like

a magician and his assistant,

except her energy is real.

Like, he is completely

in tune with her body,

and she is completely aware of her body.

Yeah, good.

I was like,

"Okay, that's where I want to get to."

I'm the receiver in that situation.

I want to show you

how this can go between the two of you.

Okay.

First I drive the energy

down into my genitals

so that I'm getting

a little bit of turn-on there.

So you could be in intercourse

or not in intercourse with this.

And then we can start to move together.

Watching Jaiya and her partner,

I'm like, "Sign me up."

And sometimes you will need

to hold on for dear life to your partner.

I mean, seriously?

If you can get that type of connection

with your person you already love,

like, what more is there?

And there'll be a moment

when you'll feel her whole body go

And just in that moment, let her be

in that moment if that ever happens.

Nice.

If you can actually get to a heightened

spiritual, emotional,

physical level with your partner?

Jackpot.