02x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God! Tyson, did someone
knock you out in training?

Nah.

I fell asleep watching
the Anthony Joshua fight.

Right, back to sleep.

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

SIREN WAILS

Jess Phillips, I need your help.

I'm supposed to be the star
of the Labour Party Conference,

but Angela Rayner's
been getting all the attention.

Cos she shows
some bloody passion, Keir.

But she used the "S" word,
the one that rhymes with...

bum.

She got excited, and it worked.

Excited, eh?
And how does that come about?

You like football, right?
How do you feel when Arsenal score?

Content, on occasion.

Within certain parameters.

Oh, Diane Abbott's t*ts, bab!

You must have SOME emotion.

What did you do
on your wedding night?

It was quite something.

We wrote our thank you letters
all night.

Oh, I'm sick of you.
You bloody robot!

SHE GRUNTS,
CLANG

Don't you whack me,
you Brummie tart!

That's it, bab!
There's your passion.

And so, by convening
the National Policy Forum

to report to the
National Executive Committee...

SHE GRUNTS,
CLANG

Eat the rich!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The Conference
Arrangements Committee,

together with the
organisational sub-committee...

SHE GRUNTS
f*ck the Tories!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Being a celebrity
isn't all fancy hotels,

private jets
and crashing Friends reunions.

Sometimes it's just about being me.

WOMAN: 'Twat, by James Corden.'

BIG BEN CHIMES

I now convene
this Select Committee

to investigate the causes
of the petrol panic.

First to give evidence,
Barry and Susie from Maidenhead.

Um, why are we here?

Because you, along with
the rest of the idiot public,

panicked about petrol
and now there's queues everywhere.

Explain yourself,
Susie from Maidenhead.

Everyone else was doing it.
I got worried.

I mean, I might have to
go somewhere next week!

Where? Where might you go?

I don't know.
Just out for a pootle.

On weekends,
we might have a pub lunch.

Don't distract the Prime Minister
with talk of pub lunches!

Ooh, would there be sausages?

And mash, with onion gravy!
Phwoar!

The point is, your behaviour
has created a crisis

where there was none.

Where was your needle
when you pulled into the station?

About three-quarter full.
There, we have the admission.

Better to be safe than sorry.
I mean, what if something happened?

What? What might "happen"?

I don't know, a petrol panic?

One final question.

Where did you purchase this petrol?

The place just round the corner.

FOOTSTEPS,
DOOR CLOSES

I think we can go now.

Pub lunch?

SLURPING

I'm going mad, Rashy.

I can't score a goal.
I keep missing.

That's just football,
you'll come good.

It's not just football, though.
I'm missing everything.

I even missed the bus yesterday.

Damn it!
That was an absolute sitter.

I'm starting to see what you mean.

Do you mind if I use your toilet?
No.

But I should warn you, I missed.

Harry, the important thing is
you're in touch with your feelings.

It's out in the open now.

What a positive development
for your mental health.

Oh, shut it, gaffer!

HARRY GRUNTS,
GARETH GROANS

You did it! You didn't miss!

Ooh...

CROWD CHEER

Meghan, this new Netflix show I'm
producing for you is gonna be huge.

Tell Elton all about it.
It's about a beautiful young swan,

but no-one treats her
like the beautiful swan she is.

Until season two,
when everyone apologises to her.

So brilliant and inspiring.

And we thought you could write
the theme song.

Mm. Ha-ha.
I can hear it already!

Some Cs, some Gs, an F.

Why not?! Make it spicy.

ELTON CHUCKLES

And luckily, one of our neighbours
in Santa Barbara

is a pretty famous lyricist.

Bernie Taupin!

Tiny w*nk*r!
The b*tch is back.

We wrote dozens of hit songs
over 30 years,

till it turned out
multi-platinum Bernie Taupin

wasn't good enough
for The Lion King.

Oh, not that again!

Oh! Hakuna my tata!

There's the old chemistry.

Anyway, the new show's theme song
should be about a tragic princess.

I thought it was about a swan.

Well, what is a swan
if not a floating princess?

You know what? I love it.

Which means I hate it.
I'm out!

Good! Who needs you?

Go write a song about yellow bricks
and crocodile rocks!

You just write songs
with Ks in them!

What's the deal with K?
Are you paid by the K?

I'd like to see you write lyrics,
Captain Fat-tastic.

Watch me, I'll write the whole song
with no Ks in it at all.

Actually, the swan's name
is Sweghan Swarkle.

That's a good name. Damn!

STRIKES CHORD,
HE SCREAMS

PHONE PINGS

Greetings, fellow TikTok-ers!

And especially
the people of Afghanistan.

We created TikTok in China,
but it's for you.

The Western nations
have given up on Afghanistan.

But don't worry,

China is ready to step in and help,
and we expect nothing in return.

Sir, good news.

There are billions of dollars'
worth of reconstruction contracts

available from Kabul.
Not now, Qian!

I'm busy showing everyone a fun
new dance called the Kabul Kick.

Qian, drop the beat!

HIP-HOP BEAT

# Put your hands in the air
And represent

# If you like the new
Afghani government

# Islamic fundamentalists
Are mighty fine

# Especially when they own so many
Copper mines

# Get in a line and do the tiny

# If you are cool with a patriarchy

# To make Muslim friends
We're eager

# Just ask our homies, the Uighurs

# Your natural resources
Are all we want

# Democracy is for silly BLEEP

# So nod your heads
Because it's gonna be gravy

# And stay out of our seas
The US Navy. #

I hope you liked
your new dance, Afghanistan!

Actually, sir,
the Taliban just banned TikTok.

That will change.
PHONE BLEEPS

BIG BEN CHIMES

I've called this meeting because
we are facing a national crisis.

My KFC order hasn't arrived.

Oh, no!
Dear God!

Due to our precarious
petrol predicament,

Britain has literally
run out of chickens.

Could this have something
to do with Brexit?

Can't be.
Absolutely not. No!

This could be trouble.
England runs on chicken.

I'll put the Army on standby.

I'll cancel my city break.

No!

Much as our nation has defeated
so many enemies in the past,

we shall defeat this enemy
of no chicken.

The proud people of Britain
will not give in to panic.

CROWD SHOUT

SIRENS BLARE,
expl*si*n

MAN: What do we want?
CROWD: Chicken thighs!

When do we want them?
Now!

Those people are hungry.

If we don't do something,
it'll be us on the menu.

They've got garlic mayonnaise!

I'm too young to be seasoned!

Did somebody order
a special relationship?

FANFARE

CLUCKING

Hi, y'all.
Sorry we're late.

IT SQUAWKS

Mr President,
you've come to our aid

just when we thought
everything was clucked.

You can use this fella
to start a breeding programme,

and in five years, man,
you'll be self-sufficient in...

CHICKEN SQUEALS

BORIS BELCHES,
GASPING

Tasty, but could do
with some hot sauce.

Ah!

You have to admit,
Deliveroo are bloody quick.

Ma-ha. It's been more challenging
than I thought.

But I flew here from Venice
the moment I wrote the first line.

HE SINGS TO MELODY OF ROCKET MAN:

# Sweghan Swarkle
You'll go far-kle! #

It's great,
but farkle's not really a word.

Ha! Well, there's no words
that rhyme with Swarkle,

that's not my fault.
Sparkle?

Shut up, David!
DAVID QUAILS

The truth is,
I'm terrible at lyrics!

You should have heard my songs
before Bernie came along.

Rocket Man was Pocket Fan.

Erm, what's a pocket fan?
I don't know!

It fit with the melody.
HE CHUCKLES

Maybe you should just
go apologise to Bernie.

I'm sure he'd have you back.

That's how I feel about my enemy,
Kristen Stewart.

If she would just apologise
for being so irritatingly aloof

about her own fame.

It's like she has the fame,
but she doesn't want the fame.

MEGHAN GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION

I could never apologise to Bernie.

It'd be so humiliating.

I'm sorry, we're sunk.
I'll write the lyrics!

Oh, that's so sweet...
But words aren't your thing either.

Oi!

I 'ad done biz went to Eton,
I does.

Besides, lyrics ain't about words.
It's poetry about love.

All you need is love.

Love, love is all you need.

That's a great lyric, right there!

Yes [!] The Beatles wrote it!

Maybe we'll just make it
instrumental.

No, I'm gonna do it.

I'll show all of you.

I just need a dictionary,
a fethaurus

and a book
what with all the words in it.

A dictionary?
I actually produce one.

DAVID WAILS

SHE SIGHS

Were you busy today, dear?

I'm Sajid Javid, the
Health Secretary for all of England

during a major health crisis.
So, no.

Well, we have a problem.
The dishwasher is broken.

We're just going to have
to learn to live with it.

We can't keep the kitchen on hold.
I need my tea.

But it's flooded the floor.

We can't cower
to the dishwasher, Laura!

Dad, I fell over in the shed
and some of it got stuck on me.

LAURA WHIMPERS
Let's look at the bigger picture.

Statistics show

that young people are in
a relatively safe demographic.

No visit to the shed
comes with zero risk.

So I should learn to live with it?
Good boy!

SHE SCREAMS
And now look!

LION ROARS

SHE SCREAMS,
LION ROARS

Well, it's a new challenge,
that's for sure,

but if we all pull together,
we can learn to live with it.

I think it's going to eat you.

Which means we'll get
to herd immunity quicker.

THEY SCREAM

Daddy!

No-o-o-o!

Oh, it's in my eye! Argh!

Do you know
that your dishwasher's broken?

LION BELCHES

ROCK MUSIC

'The most watched forensic analysis
team in the world...'

expl*si*n
'..is back for another season.'

MICAH LAUGHS

Deceased male, probable m*rder.

To be fair,
he's had an absolute shocker.

Micah, have you found anything?

There's something dead funny, Alex.
Look.

I can make my hand go big!

HE LAUGHS

So, Alex, what do you think
went wrong tonight?

Well, for me, it's a bit of a mess,
to be honest, Gary.

The victim's a ruthless
billionaire football club owner

who's bled the place dry
running up massive debts,

to the detriment of the team.

With absolutely no regard
for the fans,

the club's history
or the good of the game?

What a twat. Right, viewers?

As you can see, he's had his mouth
stuffed with chips,

and then he's been drowned in gravy.

So that tells me we've got to be
looking for an angry Man United fan.

So we're looking for
a prawn sandwich-eater

who comes from Surrey,

can't name any United players
since David Beckham

and has never set foot
inside Old Trafford.

Sorry, but for me,
that doesn't make any sense, Gary.

It was a joke, Alex.

Oh.
I'm the king of friendly banter.

Because of how likeable I am.
Right, viewers?

If only we could
bring dead man back to life.

Then he could tell us
who k*lled him.

HE LAUGHS

Life doesn't work like that, Micah.

Aw, I'm sad now.

HE LAUGHS

We need to establish
how long the victim's been dead.

I reckon less than five minutes.

These chips are still warm.

Are you eating chips
from a dead man's mouth?

Only way to be sure.

Well, we're out of time.

As usual,
we basically contributed nothing.

See you all at next week's m*rder.
Good night.

'The evidence suggests that
llama antibodies could cure COVID.

'These woolly wonders are not only
lovely, they may also save mankind.'

f*cking llamas. They think
they're special cos they got two Ls.

Huh. You know what else got two Ls?

My ba*ls!

They're saving people, Mel, come on!

We could save people.

We're medical miracles.
It's true.

We live longer
than any other rodent.

We're resistant to cancer.

We won Vertebrate of the Year
in 2013.

Oh! I won it this year.

I win everything, you know.
SHE SNORTS

Ah, screw this!

I'm offering myself to science
in the service of humanity.

Well, be back in time for lunch.

It's your own faeces!

I did it, I wrote the lyrics.
In your face, Furnish.

I was always on your side.

Ha ha! Right, let's have a sing.

# Oh, help, it's me, Bernie

# Harry lured me over
With the promise of Chablis

# Then he locked the door
Until I wrote this song... #

What the hell is this?!

You locked up Bernie Taupin?

In our wine cellar.
Look, I had no choice!

You all said I couldn't do it, and
then it turned out I couldn't do it.

I thought, if Bernie's locked up
for a day, who's gonna miss him?

I'd miss him.

I'm busting him out.
David, hand me my axe!

Ooh, and my big glasses.

I want to make an entrance.
Ma-ha!

ELTON CHUCKLES

Bernie and I
just want to say thank you.

You made us realise
how much we've missed collaborating.

And how addicted to Chablis I am.

So you wrote the song
about the inspiring young woman?

Well, we wrote a song
about AN inspiring woman.

It's the title track for the
upcoming biopic of Angela Merkel.

Got a great K sound, and it stars...

Don't say it.

BOTH: Kristen Stewart!

Oh!

# Angela Merkel come full circle

# Hamburg girl in East Berlin

# Christian Democratic leader... #

'The Oscar for best song goes to...

'Elton John and Bernie Taupin
for Young Merkel!'

# Hold me closer
Tiny Chancellor... #

My God, Mel, what happened?

Those scientists,
they sucked me dry! Your blood?

My sperm!

Those b*stards jerked me off
till my ba*ls imploded.

Oh, Mel! I ain't gonna be able
to have sex again...

NO!

..for five seconds.

Four, three, two, one.

Here I come!

Woo-hoo!

Ah! Oh!

Take that, science.
Nature always finds a way.

BOTH LAUGHING

GROANING

There, there. I'm Jameela Jamil.

It's gonna be OK. I'm a feminist.

But you're an actress.

What are you doing
in a trauma centre?

Being mislabelled by you.

I'm an actress-host-
multi-hyphenate-founder of I Weigh.

I've come to work here

because I myself
have endured so much trauma.

I was trapped in a landslide.

I had to eat my own legs to escape.

The same thing happened to me,
metaphorically.

I was forced to come out as q*eer

to stop people
from tweeting mean things,

and that was like
eating my own heterosexuality.

But th-that's not really
the same thing. I...

Saying that is misogyny.

Let's see how YOU like body shaming!
SHE GRUNTS

MACHINE BEEPING RAPIDLY
Wait, how was I... Argh...

HE EXHALES WHEEZILY,
MACHINE FLATLINES

PANTING

Patient needs 40 ccs of saline.
Stat!

Ugh. Here we go again
with the mansplaining.

Mansplaining? But I'm a woman.

JAMEELA GASPS
I'm sorry.

I was confused
because you don't have

symmetrical, voluptuous breasts
like I do.

Argh!
Hey, eyes up here!

Could we possibly
make this less about you

and more about defibrillating
this patient?

Sexist! You assume I'm a nurse
because I'm in a hospital

and dressed like a nurse.
You're worse than the media.

Did you know
I've been chased by bees?

Now he's dead. This is terrible!

I know. It's so triggering for me.

It reminds me of the Palestinians

and how I've internalised
their struggle.

Help!

I've had a spike thrown through me!

Me too! I was metaphorically spiked
by a car driven by a swarm of bees.

Who cares?
Oh, I see. Rob me of my narrative.

Typical
white patriarchal oppression!

BUZZING
Argh! Is that a bee?

SHE EXCLAIMS

Oh, that's lucky.

I've got something to tweet about...

Hey, everyone, it's me, The Rock.

Here to tell you about
my great new show, Young Rock.

It's all about my life as a kid.

I had some big obstacles
to overcome.

Take a look.

Young Rock, you have to choose

between every single girl
in the school to be your prom date.

And every single boy.
And all the teachers.

Whoa, that's a big obstacle.

But before I overcome it,

let's have a sip of
my Watermelon Whatamana Tequila.

It's delicious
and a great income stream for me.

Hey! I was in that scene.

Where was I? Why'd you cut me out?

Sorry, Kevin Hart,
but you tested badly. With who?

Well, with me.

You can't just cut me!

I don't wanna talk about it.
Uh, hey...

Do I smell cheese?
Cheese? Got some cheese?

Oh, baby, I love me some cheese!

Where the cheese at?
Where the cheese at?

Just over there, little guy.

Young Rock, streaming now,
with me...

and not Kevin Hart.

SNAP, SCREAM

I hate you, you big dumb Rock!

Yeah, well, you're the one
who got caught in a mousetrap!

Hi, I'm Mark Zuckerberg.

Facebook has got a lot
of attention lately,

and I'm here to explain away

some of the really bad stuff
you might have heard.

First, it is not true that
our content moderation algorithm

is arbitrary and ineffective.

In fact, we do not use AI
to decide what gets blocked.

Watch this video recording

of a content control
committee meeting.

MONKEYS SCREECHING EXCITEDLY

Facebook has also been accused

of favouring one political party
over another.

This video of our
partisanship review board

should put that rumour to rest.

SCREECHING EXCITEDLY

GLASS SMASHING

My final point is this.

Facebook believes in transparency,

which is why, from now on,

I will be wearing
this invisibility cloak.

See?

EXCITED SCREECHING

SOFT FEMALE VOICEOVER:
Elle est riche, belle...

et mysterieuse.

C'est a dire...

jusqu'a ce qu'elle ouvre sa bouche.

What the f*ck are you on about?

Brassy.

The new fragrance by Adele.

I released a perfume!

SHE CACKLES
What am I like?

ETHEREAL MUSIC

'There once was
a brave little fellow

'who wanted to help everyone.

'But some nasty people
got hold of him.'

Net?!

HE GROANS

Wh-What's going on?
Sorry, old thing.

See, you've been spending
an awful lot of cash lately,

and now, well,
there have to be cuts.

But the Prime Minister and I
can't be the ones to do it.

Very unpopular to make cuts.

I'm afraid it has to be you,
old chap.

So we've made a few modifications.

BORIS AND GOVE
LAUGH MANIACALLY

Back to work, Rishi Scissorhands!

HE SCREAMS

'At first, everyone loved him.'

Look, I'm cutting red tape!

'And no-one seemed to mind

'that the red tape mountain
had actually got bigger.

'But then everyone hated him.'

I'm sorry, kids.

I didn't want to cut your food!

But my scissor hands did!

GIRL GASPS

Save our NHS! Save our NHS!

Watch out for my hands!

No, no, please! Please don't!

'The simple-minded townsfolk
didn't realise

'that the cuts
were for their own good.

'And in their ignorance,
drove him out of town.

'But he wasn't unhappy for long.

'Because his wife loved him.

'And also, he was a billionaire.'

MAN: Finally, we open the tomb
of the great Pharaoh Intef.

What treasures lie within?

Oh, gosh! Only me. Hello!
SHE SNORTS

What are you doing
in a 4,000-year-old burial chamber?

I'm Olivia Colman.
I'm in everything.

Hello! Ah!

Oh. I'm shut in again, am I?

Gosh. See you! Ha!

Chancellor Merkel, after 16 years
of calm, careful, sober leadership,

are you planning to have
a little fun in your retirement?

Oh, yes.

I plan to continue with
my interests in quantum chemistry,

write a comprehensive
multi-volume autobiography,

und, of course,

help manage the transition
to ze new coalition.

Wonderful plans, Chancellor.

But first, I'm going to get
super vasted!

Techno, techno, techno!

TECHNO MUSIC

Want some ket?
Ja!

# Hold me closer, tiny Chancellor

# Lovely leader, first fraulein

# Angela, you are our angel

# We will not forget you

# Nein. #