02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

What's with the face?

It's just something isn't right here
with the data.

Right.

We're doing all the heavy work here

and yet where is our superior?

All right.

Uh, guys, as you probably noticed,
our plan is working.

We've got people we can interview.

However, we need more questions
and better ones.

That's why today me and the other girls

will be going out
to see some sex experts to help us.

Hey, what's up?

So, right now you guys
just keep analyzing the data we have.

And we'll be back in the evening.

So until then,
Sexify rests on your shoulders.

THE BOYS

Please don't f*ck it up.

IN PURSUIT OF A BETTER APP

GO

The glans, right?

And now I have a task for all of you here.

That includes ladies
and gentlemen as well.

Everyone, take one of these
and using our model, show us the areas...

p*nis MAINTENANCE WORKSHOP

...that in your personal opinion
are the most sensitive parts.

Fortune favors the bold,
so let's get going, okay?

Go ahead.

Pin it up. Yes, be bold.

That's very good work.

Don't be shy.

That's it.

Very nice.

Pin it in. Good.

Excellent.

Yes, you should try too, sir.

This will be even weirder
if we don't talk the whole time.

I'm coming!

I'll be right there.

Oh.

You must be those married millionaires
looking for gizmos for the bedroom.

- No, I'm not with him.
- Or a millionaire.

Uh-huh.

So, you're Sexify.

Follow me to the land of male fantasies.

The key to our success is customization.

Our clients here,
which so far have only been men,

can choose every little detail
of the body that they would like.

From what kind of toes to everything.

Mm-hmm.

That said,
the real magic happens right here.

MODESTY, SUBMISSIVENESS, LENIENCY

While modern culture
is stifling masculinity,

there's only one path

that will allow us
to reclaim our real power.

It's nature's path.

Well, what do you think?

I think I've been out there
mushroom picking before.

Dad, focus, please!

Well, darling, I don't know
if this type of meeting is for me.

Let's go.
Maybe you'll find it helps.

An ejaculation-free orgasm

is waiting for you.

Why are we wasting time
on all of these stupid questions

when Sexiguy works fine?

Hey Creep, don't you know yet?

- Don't I know what?
- That your app is getting an update.

What do you mean "update"?

Well he's saying it's gonna be discarded.

They tricked me again!

They said Sexiguy is genius!
Why don't we improve it together?

They're trying
to make it an app for eunuchs!

It's normal for a product
to evolve during the creative process.

When Columbus set sail,
he was looking for India.

Sure.

If Columbus looked at the horizon
and saw Natalia, Paulina, and Monika,

he wouldn't have docked.

And for good reason.

I'd take scurvy over that bunch.

I can tell you don't appreciate the genius
of Sexiguy Men by Rafał.

And Grześ.

I don't understand
why you're so mad, Rafał.

You got your money, right?

- You work in a young, dynamic team...
- Yup.

Yeah, I have money for right now.

- However, money runs out.
- Sure does.

That said, fame is forever!

I want to be Columbus.
I don't want to be a deckhand.

I want the whole world to hear
about the app Sexiguy Men by Rafał!

- And Grześ.
- And Grześ.

And Grześ.

Could I get some tissues?

There you go.

Two-fifty.

Thank you.

WORLD OF COMPUTERS

Raffy, don't get any dumb ideas.

I won't. Don't worry.

I won't.

Please don't f*ck it up.

I'M SORRY

p*nis HANDLING WORKSHOP

Adam?

What's up?

Natalia's not here right now.
She's on a quest.

- A quest?
- I figured she told you.

No, I didn't know.

Yeah, we're still struggling
with that app for guys.

There's...

- One for guys now?
- Guys who can't get it up.

Would you like a sandwich?

I'll have one.

You're already eating.

But I'll gladly have another snack.

Natalia's not here, but...

- You didn't put any pins in.
- I don't really vibe with it.

I hear that. Glad I'm not the only one.

Natalia.

Alina.

So, why'd you come here?

- I hoped it could help me out.
- In your relationship?

No, my work.

Oh, so you're an escort?

- No.
- Oh.

I'm sorry. I took you for someone else.

I'm the CTO of Sexify.
An app that will revolutionize sex.

Oh, I think I've heard of it.

And you are...

A dominatrix.

YOUR FAVORITE SEXUAL FANTASIES

DOMINATRIX

Hold on!

Artificial intelligence
is what makes our girls virtually... human.

They learn your preferences
like an internet browser would.

And do you collect data on what the owners
usually expect from the dolls?

We don't need that kind of data.
The girls we have are adaptable

and they are all tailored to the needs
of particular clients.

Excuse me,

if I'm being honest with you,

this whole thing is a bit sad, isn't it?

That men need something like this.

Well, miss,

at the end of the day,
it's all about reducing tension

and we find that applies
to men as well as women.

All of our dolls guarantee

that you will maintain
complete independence in life.

And that right there
is what our clients truly value.

What are you looking at?

So, we're talking after all?

Let's go.
The ceremony will be starting shortly.

The what?

First of all, I want to thank you
for finding the time for me.

I have all your issues from way back
when you still were in print.

It's a pity that

the readers of World of Computers
prefer to have their world

on a computer.

Thank you. You see, humor is my forte.

It's hard to miss.

Oh, and would you give my regards
to Free Frag. He's my favorite author.

Actually, I don't know him.

I'm an intern.

Oh.

All right, then.

Let's get down to business, shall we?

Mm-hmm.

I would like for the whole world
to hear about our app

Sexiguy Men by Rafał and Grześ.

This app is a true wingman
for any hardcore players who...

Yes, we examined the app at the office.

The thing that caught our attention was

how similar the layout
for your application is

when compared to the layout
of the Sexify press kit.

Oh, you think so?

I really hadn't noticed that.

But allow me to finish my thought.
This app is a true wingman...

Did you use Sexify for your inspiration?

And do you happen to know
when Sexify is finally going to launch?

I learned that you studied
with two of the creators of Sexify

when you were at school.

Very well, uh, you see...

Sexiguy is working
with the girls who work on Sexify,

If we could just focus
on what I was saying before, Miss...

Just a second.

You're telling me that the girls of Sexify
are behind Sexiguy?

That's not what I said.
I was the only creator on that.

And Grześ.

That said, currently,
I am working under a wing of Sexify.

It all just happened kind
of naturally for me.

- Naturally?
- Mm-hmm.

I worked for a long time
as a canine behaviorist,

but it turns out
I have a horrible fur allergy.

A canine behaviorist allergic to dogs.

Can you imagine?

Uh... and um,
he doesn't mind that I came here?

Who him?

Of course, he does.

And I'll get a big tip for it.

Oh. g*dd*mn it!

Oh...

This is one downside of this kind of work.

I have to take all this off
to find that noodle. I'll be right back.

Um, excuse me, can I ask you a question?

At your service.

- Why are you doing this?
- Me?

I'm a good boy. I'm not doing anything.

No, what I'm asking is
what do you get out of this?

All of this.

This?

Here, nothing is up to me.

- Exactly.
- Exactly.

- And you know who I am.
- You've got a mask.

Oh, that's right.

I'll tell you this.

In my life, every decision matters.

It feels incredible
to have a moment to give up control.

You should try it.

I recommend it wholeheartedly.

There's that face again.
Careful or it'll stick.

- One question is bothering me.
- Doctor, we're free until tonight.

We can just idle the time away.

We could check out World of Computers,
for example.

You know what?

Sorry, I...
I'm gonna go over these results from home.

Doctor.

Do you see that?

"Tonight we will publish the findings
of our investigation."

"Sexify, sexist instead of sexual."

What's this about?

About Sexiguy?

Nobody knows Sexiguy is Sexify.

Or we'd all be f*cked here.

And we are.

Oh, World of Computers?

I gave them an interview today.

They invited me.

Please don't f*ck it up.

Columbus.

Let's go.

You've gotta be joking.

That's it! Don't be shy, beasties!

Don't forget this.

No one is judging anyone
who is here tonight!

Would anyone out there judge a rock?

The bark of a tree,
you wouldn't judge that.

When in nature, things just simply exist!

Yes! Take your shoes off.

No shoes are allowed.

Shoes! Shoes!

Allow your feet to be free.

Ah!

Can you feel that?

How your feet connect with the earth?

Can you feel it?

Yeah!

And now, all of you, come closer.

Let me welcome you

to our tribal bonfire with us.

For today, we will become closer,
closer to our planet.

We'll wake your inner animal
who's been slumbering,

who has been hibernating for too long.

To have good sex, you have to find another
who can feel the earth.

Yes! Very good! Very good.

We have gathered here to bind Jan Baniak

and Lena 3000 Limited Edition
in holy matrimony.

Is this a joke?

By no means.

Poland is still very conservative

when it comes to the subject
of taking a doll for your bride.

Many of the clients we have
subscribe to traditional values,

so we did our best to accommodate them.

And that little man is...

Pastor Mitch. He's in Sydney.

That there is his hologram.

If anyone knows a reason
why these two shouldn't be married,

let them speak now,
or forever hold their peace.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, but I feel obligated to point out
that you're getting married to a doll.

Tell me something I don't know.

Have you ever considered
perhaps, uh, looking for a living wife?

I had one for twenty years.

And guess what? It didn't work out.

If this is what the future looks like,
I'm withdrawing from technology.

You know, Mom was my animal.

Your mom.

I know that, Dad.

Paulinka, I'm sorry.

I know you wanted to help me,
but I wasn't made for these things.

Those Tinders

and orgasms...

What are they called?

Ejaculation-free, Dad.

I always did it normally with your mom.

So, you're telling me
that Sexiguy doesn't belong to Sexify?

You see, that question
doesn't have a clear-cut answer.

No?

Well, Miss, uh...

The thing that we'd like to suggest to you

is for your article to focus solely
on the innovation of the Sexiguy men app,

and its creator.

That would fix all our problems.

The thing is, I don't have a problem.

Miss, the issue here is
that Sexify is a pro-woman application.

It's for women by women.

And your article,
based on a misunderstanding,

possibly could cause the fairer sex
to get irrationally mad

at our product unfairly.

And I'm sure you know
chicks can be unforgiving.

Why don't you show
a little female solidarity?

Female solidarity with you?

You serious?

Gentlemen, listen...

I'm an intern in this editorial office.

I usually spend my days rewriting
clickbait leads from foreign websites.

And now I've got a choice.

Publish an article today

that exposes how there is sexism
in a large Polish start-up,

something that fulfills
my professional ambitions.

Of course, I could also rewrite that piece
about the dog that learned to play Tetris

in the name of female solidarity
with you girls.

- Relax, no one reads it except for geeks.
- Is that so?

SAME GRAPHICS AS SEXIFY,
BUT TRAGIC CONTENT

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WOKE
ANYBODY KNOWS WHAT'S UP?

SAME THING AGAIN

Our only task today
was not to f*ck anything up.

Before we say goodbye,

I would like to show you one more thing.

The apple of my eye.

Sexify.

This business was run
by three young girls.

I invested in them, because it's not only
a calculated cash grab, but...

this business was born out of passion.

What I value the most.

I hope it will be also a great asset to

Vertigo Funding Group.

Sorry.

Hello.

How's it going?

Um...

Um...

I'm really sorry for being late.

You no longer work here.

This here is the final stop of our trip.

Meet Violetta.

Hello.

Tell me what your name is.

Monika.

I was asking him.

- I am Maks.
- I like your name.

Thank you.

Um.

I've always felt
like it's a name for a... well, a dog.

But my mom was adamant.

Wow, you are so funny.

And what about yourself?

What are you like?

What would you like me to be like?

Um...

Well I guess I would like it if you'd stop
answering questions with more questions.

I won't do that.

Ever.

I don't like you, Violetta.

Look, there's no one here.

They're either at lunch
or at the wedding party.

And what of it?

What are you doing?

Some quick empowerment.
Watch the doors, okay?

SUBMISSIVENESS

No.

- No, Monika! No, no, no, no.
- You're not looking, or no one's there?

Both. Neither.

- Now the girls will be cooler.
- Monika, you can't do that!

Oh, there you two are!

What is it you can't do?

Well, we can't...
stop marveling at your genius products.

Are you sure you're not from our factory?

Joking. Joking.

That's a good one. You're so funny.

Oh! Hi, Gosia.

It's me. Marek.

Oh, Marek,
I couldn't recognize you in that.

It's electric.

- You seeing Monika?
- Yes, she was out.

She's not there?

Too bad. I wanted to visit her.

Show her my bike.

- Looks cool.
- It's a stereo hybrid.

Hmm.

How is everything going for you?

I heard recently
a few of your projects were going south.

Nah, just a temporary turbulence is all.

Nothing to worry over.

- Well, I'm sure that you'll recover soon.
- Of course.

The Vertigo guys,

they've got some momentum,
but I'll catch up to them.

Of course, Marek. Bye!

See ya, Gosia.

ARE YOU AFRAID THAT YOUR PARTNER
CAN ONLY BE SATISFIED BY PENETRATION?

ARE YOU AFRAID
THAT YOUR p*nis HAS THE WRONG SHAPE?

DO YOU HAVE CONCERNS
THAT YOU WILL "FAIL" DURING SEX?

GREETINGS FROM PORTUGAL

Paulinka, shall we go?

Are you feeling okay?

- Everything has changed now.
- Excuse me?

Everything that you had
in your relationship with Mom is over.

You understand?

Get that in your head.

It's time to move on
because you have to move on.

You need to go forward.

Where should I go then?

For starters, back to that room. Come on.

Remember,
the world is indifferent towards us.

- I know it may sound a bit scary...
- Excuse me!

...and cold,
but it should be a source of heat.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Hey, what's up?

Do you have a question?

Yeah. No.

What I've got
is a bear over there to awaken.

Here.

Nice to meet you.

Do you know how you can tell
that a guy is g*y?

He wants to get married.

Seriously.

Whenever marriage comes up at parties,

all my g*y friends go,
"Yes, I want a wedding."

"I even made a protest banner for it."

"Finish that wine. Let's go to a rally!"

However, when I ask the same question
of my straight friends,

I always hear, "No, no, no. Quiet, quiet.
Not in front of Kasia. Touchy subject."

Personally,
I'm the exception among my fellow gays.

I don't want to get married.
I don't want its aftermath.

I believe an engagement
holds a lot more fire.

I have a vision of when I'm old,
half deaf. I've got a sore back.

And I'm travelling to a spa
with my 80-year-old fiancé.

Hey, old friend. What brings you here?

I've got a feeling it's not comedy.

I wanted to say thanks for the postcard.

And I wanted to talk with you
about what it is that men need.

Evidently postcards.

Since you showed up to thank me
after a year.

I'm doing research on, um...
finding what the sexual needs of men are.

So ask yourself.

If I recall correctly, you have sex.

Men don't respond to me
the way they do to you.

You'd be surprised.

All right, what are the questions?

What are the questions... Hmm...

What should one do to make it better?

I mean, so that it's not a performance,
but an encounter.

Why are you asking me
when I've been performing my whole life?

That's my way of dealing
with uncomfortable things in life.

I call out my demons from deep within

I invite them on stage to dance
at "Laughing Thursday" each week.

And you're constantly in fear.
All your life, you just stand there.

Life passes you by.
And then you wake up with some postcard.

Don't be so scared, buddy.

Is this your partner?

No, that's my dad.

Oh.

- Dad has just split up with Mom and...
- Um, Paulina, right? Yes, I'm correct.

Uh, why don't you give the mic
to your father.

So...

who are you, and what brings you here?

Oh, right, uh...

PAULINA'S FATHER

I am Paulina's father.

Uh-huh.

And who else are you,
besides the father of Paulina?

Um, I'm also Pola,
Patrycja, and Pawełek's dad.

Right, I see.

And, uh, do you have a name of your own,

or are you just a Moominpappa from Poland?

- Shh!
- No, no. Sorry. Of course I have a name.

Zygmunt Malinowski.

Zygmunt Malinowski! That's a great name!

Let's hear it for Zygmunt!

Zygmunt.

Zyg-m-t! Zyg-m-t!

It reminds me of thunder.
The power of lightning.

I like it.

Thank you kindly.

So then, Zygmunt Malinowski,
what has happened to you?

Well, like Paulinka already
mentioned earlier,

I've got some issues with my wife.

What issues are those?

She left me for another.

All right. Easy, everyone.
Easy. Just relax.

We are not going to focus
on the wife here, okay?

Let us stay present
with Zygmunt Malinowski.

How is it that you're feeling about it?

- I feel helpless.
- Of course.

And for so many years,
you've only been Paulina's dad.

And Pola's, Patrycja's, and Pawełek's.

And now, you have to, once again
be Zygmunt Malinowski.

And that's not easy.

It hasn't been.

You're afraid

that you have nothing left
to offer the world, is that right?

You're wrong!

Because listen to me.

Never have I've never met

a better Zygmunt Malinowski than you.

You're incredible.
The best at being Zygmunt Malinowski.

Do you all know
a better Zygmunt Malinowski?

- No!
- No!

Exactly!
It looks as if you somehow forgot about

the needs of this member of
the endangered Zygmunt Malinowski species.

And so right now,
you start taking care of that beast.

Bravo! Zygmunt!

Zygmunt!

I'm always just performing.

That's my way of dealing
with uncomfortable things in life.

Don't be so scared.

...AFRAID...WORRIED...

SATISFACTION, AMBIVALENCE, FEAR

You know who does that? Nobody.

You can't turn off a working app.
It's unprofessional.

Seriously, Columbus? You're gonna
teach me about professionalism?

And besides that,
it will end our research right now.

How will we make a new app

if we end our research
by shutting it down?

That's true.

However,
if we don't immediately cut off access

to your cavern of trash,
we're all gonna drown in a sh*t storm.

One you made for use so graciously.

I just feel like we should
talk to the girls before we do it.

You have to understand.
This is... Sexiguy Men by Rafał.

It's my life's work.

You're right about that. It's yours.
So you turn it off.

Ready to input new questions?

- There won't be any questions.
- What?

They turned off Sexiguy.

Sit down.

Read it.

"If you've been wondering
what's going on with Sexify?"

"It turns out that its founders
have been busy creating the Sexiguy app."

"One look at what's on the app
takes us back to the schoolyard

in terms of talking about sex."

- How do they even know we're involved?
- Keep reading.

"The shockingly misogynist side of Sexify
was revealed to us

by a member of their team,

Rafał Palech."

"Palech."

She couldn't even get my name right.

You think that's your biggest problem?

This could be the end of us.

Listen, it seems that turning off Sexiguy
solved the issue.

After the initial hype,
we're no longer trending,

'cause people can't verify if the article
is telling the truth or not.

We can't ask any more questions.

I think we already know
everything we need to.

I was analyzing our results earlier today.

Every guy, without exception, is afraid
of making a fool of himself in bed.

They're worried they won't get hard.

And if they do, it'll last too short
or too long, or that it won't be enough.

They also worry
that their p*nis might be too small

or too thin, big, thick, whatever.

Everyone wants to feel proud,
but they're afraid of being misjudged.

Of their dicks being inadequate,
of themselves being inadequate.

And that's why we act.

Why we pretend.

Out of fear.

Even though we all share the same fear.

I believe
that everyone feels lonely with it.

That's what this app should be about.

Zygmunt!

DOCTOR, JABBA, PALECH, NATALIA