01x20 - Everybody Still Hates Love

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music playing on TV]

- This is Rick Donaldwhite

reporting on

the tragedy in Sudan,

where for days,

a white man has gone

without sparkling water.

[fluttering]

[curious music]

- Uh

- Daddy, Chris is

attracting birds.

- Chris, stop attracting--

what?

[ominous music]

Rochelle, protect the kids.

[cooing]

[fluttering]

Oh, it's fine.

Come see.

[soft music]

- Aw!

[horn honking]

- Ugh, being her neighbor

is a special kind of hell.

[splat]

Ugh!

- Peaches,

I want to love you deeply

and cover over

our multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8.

So will you do me the honor

of uniting with me

and becoming one flesh?

Genesis 2:24.

- Yes! Yes!

I'ma be a pastor's wife.

- That's not all.

As your wedding present,

I'm buying us a house

in Crown Heights.

- [cheering]

- Wait a minute.

Peaches is moving?

[cheering]

- Wait.

Tasha's not gonna live

next door anymore?

- Tasha could move

into your pants,

and you still ain't got

no shot, sucker.

[laughs]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

♪

- Finally!

No more Peaches

ruining my life.

[soft chiming]

[knocking]

- I got some of y'all's mail

by mistake.

Y'all bills is

way overdue, huh?

[door slamming]

- Now, where is

my nice blue dress?

- Look at this nice blue dress

I found in your closet!

- [grumbling]

♪

[banging]

[crash]

- Sorry, neighbors. [chuckles]

I'm real bad

at hanging posters.

Ooh, chicken.

I call the big piece.

[soft chiming]

- I'm happy for you, Mom.

- Hey, I know you're sad

about Tasha moving,

but there will be

other fish in the sea.

I promise.

Once you grow into your ears.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Oh, hey, Rochelle.

Look how big my ring is.

I punched a guy with it,

and he almost bled out.

- So how soon are we

getting you down the aisle?

- Percy wants to do it

this Saturday,

but it's so much planning.

I might have to pull out.

And you know

I don't believe in that.

- Oh, God.

[soft chiming]

[banging]

[crash]

- Sorry, neighbors.

Ooh, I call the big glass

of prune juice.

- [gulping]

How about I help you

plan your wedding?

- Like any good

wedding planner,

my mom hated the bride.

♪

- If Tasha's moving,

there's gonna be

a new "boy next door"

who will be hotter

and cooler than you.

- She's only moving

to Crown Heights.

- Oh, Chris.

My mom's on Rikers,

and the only time

I see her is when there's

a prison riot on the news.

- This really is

my last chance, huh?

- Yes.

You gotta get in there before

Tasha gets out of there.

- Greg's right, Chris.

When I was a nubile young girl,

I wanted to get with

a counselor at summer camp.

But I decided to wait

till the next year,

and you know what happened?

- He found someone else?

- No, he drowned.

[sobbing]

[door slamming]

[sobbing]

- My brother loved

weddings,

'cause everyone wanted him

as ring bearer,

even white people.

[knocking]

- Oh, hey, Drew.

This ain't your house.

You live over there.

- Mm, no, I'm here to see you.

I'm gonna require

an ivory white ring pillow,

and it's got to be cotton.

- The hell are you

talking about?

- Uh, my ring bearer

requirements.

[chuckles]

- Oh!

Ducky already asked.

He's just so cute.

- [baby voice] Do--do I

hold the pillow like this?

- Ducky?

- I am very, very cute.

[ominous music]

[door slamming]

[opulent music]

♪

- Mr. Omar, this is your store?

- A surprising number of people

die on their wedding day.

Tragic for them--

lucrative for me.

[laughs]

I assume you're looking

for a dress for Ms. Peaches.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, actually,

as the new first lady

of our church,

I've decided to go

by Peaché now.

Ooh.

- OK.

[upbeat music]

Oh. Uh-uh.

[grunts, groaning]

- Ooh, this reminds me.

We have to invite

all my stripper friends.

Marigold, Lavender, Tulips.

They call her "Two Lips"

because--

- I know why.

♪

- Whoo!

[laughter]

- Yeah!

- Your grandma-a*s a*s

is ruining my

bachelorette party.

I should just call

the whole wedding off.

- [sighs] OK, OK.

Look. I'm fun. See?

Ooh, I'm putting an APB

on your A-S-S.

- [laughs]

Ooh, girl!

That's the real po-po.

Hi, Officer Barry.

Remember me?

Public urination

over on Putnam Ave?

How you been?

- I want her married and gone,

but I don't know how much

longer I can put up with this.

- I don't know how

she can afford all this.

That's $15,000.27

worth of wedding.

- Her daddy's helping pay.

They don't have

a good relationship,

but that's just what

the bride's family does.

- What? They do?

I'm gonna have to pay

for Tonya's wedding?

- And her second one too.

[smooth music]

While Tasha was

getting ready to move,

I was getting ready

to make a move.

♪

[spraying]

♪

[deep voice]

Let me get that for you.

[chuckles]

[thud]

[groaning]

[thudding]

[crash]

Easy peasy.

But damn, all this packing's

making me sweaty.

♪

[grunting]

- [laughs]

You're so funny, Chris.

[suspenseful music]

I'm gonna miss you.

- Suddenly, my whole future

passed before my eyes.

♪

[cheering]

- You better bring home

that baby.

♪

[fart, sloshing]

♪

[heart pounding]

- I thought I just wanted

to have sex with Tasha,

but in that moment, I realized

something horrifying.

I was in love with her.

[frantic breathing] Ah!

[thumping]

[crash]

[upbeat music]

♪

- Chris, you're

sweeping my foot.

- Sorry.

I'm just--I don't feel good.

My heart's beating all fast.

I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

[laughter]

- Oh, so you're in love.

- Ooh, you got it bad.

- I want to tell her, but I

don't know what she'll say.

- You don't tell a girl

you love her.

You treat her like crap,

sleep with her sister,

and after a while,

she just starts getting it.

- No, no, you gotta tell her.

I waited too long

to tell Nessa.

Now whenever we get down,

we don't know if we'll

ever get back up.

- What if she doesn't

love me back?

[laughter]

- A girl?

Loving you?

- There's just no way.

- You'll never know

if you don't try.

[romantic music]

[crunch]

- Ugh.

[sweeping]

[buzzing]

[organ music]

- Welcome to Pastor Percy's

and Peaché's wedding rehearsal.

Let's start with our

bridesmaids, our groomsmens,

and our ring bearer.

♪

- [scoffing]

He's waving to the crowd.

Amateur.

Oh, he did not

just stop walking.

Mom, Ducky's making

a mockery of ring bearing.

He must be stopped.

- Oh, isn't Ducky so cute?

- All right, Peaché,

walk on up here

towards your very handsome man.

- Rochelle, my train

needs fluffing.

- You don't have

a train right now.

- I will tomorrow.

- [sighs] Fluff, fluff, fluff,

fluff, fluff, fluff, fluff.

[heart pounding]

- Hey, Tasha,

how was the rehearsal?

- It was fine,

but I'm really worried

about my maid of honor speech.

- Everything you say

is perfect.

[clears throat]

I mean, let me hear

what you got.

I had no idea how to tell

Tasha I loved her.

I'd only said that to a girl

once in my entire life.

- OK, time for your

testicular exam.

- I love you.

- I want to say

something heartfelt,

but I can't figure out

what to say.

[heart pounding]

- Well, if I was speaking

from my heart, I'd say,

you mean so much to me.

You always have

and always will.

- Whoa, that's really good.

- And every second

I spend with you, I think,

damn, how'd I get so lucky?

- I mean, I don't know

about every second, but--

- Your laugh,

your smile, your body.

- Uh, what?

- Oh, I--I was just--

- Come on, Tasha.

I need you to drive Mommy

to the rehearsal dinner

because I drank too much

communion wine.

♪

- Stained glass Jesus,

help me tell Tasha how I feel.

- Nah.

- Ugh.

[hip-hop music]

- As men, we don't often

talk about our feelings.

But tonight, I'm gonna try.

Percy, you've got the best

head of hair I've ever seen.

- Yeah, that's what

I'm talking about.

- [laughs]

Tonya, baby, it's crazy

Peaches invited

all her first and second

cousins to her wedding, right?

[laughs]

- Ugh. Yeah.

Why didn't she invite

her third cousins too?

A wedding should be

for the whole family.

And for close friends,

far friends,

neighbors, mailmen.

[cash register ringing]

- [screaming]

- So, Tasha

[heart pounding]

There's something

I want to say,

something I need to say.

[romantic music]

Uh

- [gasps] It's OK.

Just stop.

- Oh, hell no.

- So--

- b*tch, did you just

pull out my hair?

- No, but I will now.

- Ooh, I got 20 on Marigold.

- I better go

take care of that.

- It felt like

the universe was saying

I should not tell Tasha

I loved her.

[shattering]

And to never pick a fight

with a stripper.

- Iron Peaché's dress, check.

Steam Peaché's hat, check.

Get rid of the bags under

your eyes, Rochelle--Peaches!

- I do, I do, I do-oo.

I do.

- How about you do me?

- I do, I do, I do.

[thud]

Ooh!

- Whoo! Praise the Lord!

[door slamming]

- [heavy breathing]

Oh, do I have to tell Peaches

he's stepping out?

Then she'll call off

the wedding,

and I'll be stuck

with her forever.

Oh, Lord, what--what do I do?

- Lady, I'm a figment of

Chris's imagination, not yours.

- Oh, sorry.

[opulent music]

- [sighs]

[crowd murmuring]

- Have you ever thought

about a courthouse wedding?

Sometimes as a gift, they waive

your parking tickets.

- I can't let you go

through with this, Ducky.

- Hey, give it back, old man.

- Never!

- [baby voice] Peaché, help me.

Drew took my ring pillow.

- Drew, give him the pillow.

- But--

- [crying]

[normal voice]

Your reign is over, Drew.

I'm the cute one

around here now.

Capisce?

- [growling]

- Peaché, the beautiful bride.

- Can you believe it?

Me, little Peaché, finally

[sniffling]

Getting made an honest woman,

like I always dreamed about

since yesterday.

- You deserve all

the happiness in the world,

especially with

an a*s like that.

Mm.

- As my mom listened

to her brother

praise her enemy's a*s,

she realized she had

to do what was right.

- Uh, Peaché,

can I talk to you?

- Oh, my God, why is

everyone on my nuts today?

♪

- Ugh, there's no good way

to say this,

but, well, I saw Pastor Percy

doing the nasty

with Sister Johnson.

- Oh, oh, OK, that's fine.

- I'm sorry.

I know it's hard to hear,

but--wait.

What?

- It's fine. I know.

I'm only marrying him

'cause the church elders

told him he had to get married

so people stop gossiping

about him and Sister Johnson.

- Why doesn't he

marry her, then?

- Ain't no man ever

gonna settle her down.

So Percy asked me.

It's like a fairy tale.

Now I'm gonna be

the first lady at church,

and he's buying me

a damn house.

Plus, I don't even have

to deal with his walnuts,

'cause Sister Johnson

does that for me.

- Baby, mm

♪

- Well, I guess love looks

different for everyone.

I'm happy for you.

- I know you don't like me.

So why'd you even tell me?

- What?

I do like you.

- Mm-hmm.

- Look, just because you

get on my nerves sometimes--

or all the time--

that doesn't mean

I want you to get hurt.

[soft music]

- You want to be my

maid of honor, Rochelle?

- Me?

I thought Tasha was

your maid of honor.

- Eh, she's only 17.

She won't even remember this

when she grows up.

- OK, Peaché.

I'd be honored.

♪

- Train, Rochelle.

- Oh, come on!

[jazzy music]

- Get your wedding

presents here.

I got toasters.

I got blenders.

I got bus tickets to Bermuda.

♪

- Ooh, ooh, ooh.

♪

- Tonya,

Daddy wants you to have

a big, beautiful wedding

one day,

but he's worried

he can't afford it.

So I was thinking,

why don't we pick up

some wedding supplies for free?

- What are you talking about?

♪

- You done with that salad?

- Almost.

- Close enough.

You'll invite

all these people, right?

- Sure, if they don't cross me.

- Single ladies,

it's time to gather round.

Make sure Peaché's bouquet

don't touch the ground.

- Say that again, but with

Tonya instead of Peaché.

- Thank you

for my dream wedding.

- Believe me,

it was my dream too.

- I'll miss you when I move.

You're like the much,

much, much, much older

sister I never had.

- My mom was so giddy

the end was near,

she decided to give Peaches

an early wedding present:

a load of bullshit.

- You know,

I honestly can't believe

we didn't take advantage

of being neighbors more.

We could have planted

a garden or shared sugar.

- We could have started a duet.

Peaché Chelley.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Peaché and Her.

- What a shame we won't get to.

And just think,

we probably won't even

see each other ever again.

- Such a ♪

Sha-a-a-ame

both: Sha-a-ame ♪

- We've heard a bunch

from Percy and Peaché.

Now let's hear what

the daughter has to say.

[applause]

[feedback screeching]

[soft music]

- [coughs]

- [clears throat]

[sighs] OK.

When I was a little girl

uh--

♪

When I--wow, sorry, sorry.

I just--OK, here it is.

Um, yes.

When I was a little girl--

damn it!

Sorry.

[feedback screeching]

[heart pounding]

[hip-hop music]

- I got you, Tasha.

♪

Let's all give

a big hand for Tasha.

[applause]

She's been designated driving

and stopping stripper fights

for days.

She deserves a break.

OK.

My mom and I don't

always get along,

but there's no one else I'd

rather talk about boys with.

OK.

Over the years,

I got used to living in a home

where we were all women.

Uh-uh.

When I got my first period--

uh, nope.

- Boo!

- Look, we're here

to celebrate love, right?

In my house,

love means a lot of things.

It means flowers,

the big piece of chicken,

a slap upside the head.

[laughter]

I didn't go up to get laughs.

I went up to save Tasha.

[upbeat music]

♪

The laughs just

sort of happened.

[laughter]

It was my first show:

Chris Rock,

live from Peaché's

fake-a*s marriage.

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

- It's crazy that

this was us 19 years ago.

- Our wedding was perfect,

wasn't it?

♪

- Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

Tonya, honey, you don't need

any of this stuff.

When you get married,

I'm gonna pay

for the wedding of your dreams.

No matter what it costs,

it's going to be perfect.

- Thank you, Daddy.

But don't worry.

You'll have lots of time

to save up.

I don't even have

a boyfriend yet.

- That's right, and you won't

for a long, long, long time.

♪

- Anyone ever tell you

you look like

a young El DeBarge?

- All the time.

I'm James.

Want to dance?

[jazzy music]

♪

- [grunts]

- Hello, young Drew.

- Sensei Jason?

- Remember, all martial arts

heroes need one thing

to be truly great:

a mortal enemy.

- My mortal enemy.

You shall rue the day

you ever--

- Yeah, can I clear your plate?

- Hey, Chris,

do you want to dance?

- Me?

Yeah.

- Thank you for saving me

up there.

- Oh, it was nothing.

- Why did you do it?

- Well, because--

'cause you make me feel sick.

- Uh, what?

- What I mean is, I love you.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have--

- No, Chris.

It's OK.

I actually love you too.

- Really?

- Yeah.

When I was thinking

about moving,

I started to realize

the person I'd miss most

was you.

- Aw, I wish

you didn't have to move.

- Oh, about that

- The moving truck!

Today is the first day

of the rest of my life.

Why are they moving

boxes inside?

Hey, you're going backwards!

Go out, not in.

What are you doing?

I thought Pastor Percy was

buying you a place.

- He did! Mine. Ha!

You and me was

getting along so well,

I wanted to be

forever neighbors,

so I made him buy

my house for me.

- I flew too close to the sun.

- Look at us,

neighbors forever.

Isn't it great?

Isn't it great ♪

Come on, Chelley.

We're gonna be

neighbors forever ♪

Come on.

Neighbors forever ♪

[kissing]

- I was finally with Tasha,

and my heart was

beating normal.

I didn't feel like

I was gonna throw up.

I realized the last time

I'd felt sick like that was--

[laughter]

[heart pounding]

I realized there was something

I loved even more than Tasha.

The sound of my own voice.

- What's wrong?

Is it my breath?

- No, your breath's perfect.

Where'd you buy

your toothpaste?

Heaven?

- Stop trying to be funny.

We're kissing.

- I finally had my dream girl,

but my dream had changed.

[hip-hop music]

♪

- Sometimes you see someone,

you know they're funny.

I do not have that

feeling right now.

[door slamming]

- [groans]

singers: Everybody

still hates Chris ♪

[vocalizing]

[funky music]

♪