01x16 - Everybody Still Hates a Mack Daddy

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

- Every year when

the temperature dropped,

people also dropped

their standards

and hooked up with anybody.

Heat was expensive,

but sweaty bodies were cheap.

Nowadays, people call

it "cuffing season,"

but back then,

we just called it "fall."

♪

- [sniffs]

[exhales loudly]

I love the smell

of desperation in the fall.

- All right.

This is the only

time of year we

have a shot at getting girls.

♪

Ooh, a single, cold female.

Time to go to work.

[grunting]

Hey, baby.

Need some body heat?

- No, thank you.

- [sighs]

Now, that was cold!

[screams]

♪

I was so desperate to cuff up

that I was going

to be the first big brother

to ask his little brother

for girl help.

Didn't happen again

till the Wahlbergs.

- Whoa.

How do you think

someone took this of me?

- Drew, I need

your help with girls.

- Yes.

I've been preparing

for this day for 15 years.

- But you're 15.

- I've got a plan.

Come on.

You and I are sneaking out.

[exciting music]

Oh, hey, Maria.

[camera clicks]

- [laughs creepily]

- Wonder what she's doing here.

- All right. I'd date Taimak.

I'd marry El DeBarge.

[chuckles]

And, hmm, I'd dump Bobby Brown.

- She's smarter than Whitney.

- They're OK, if you like boys.

But I like men.

So I'd dump Ossie Davis,

date Ray Charles,

and marry your dad.

- [spits]

What?

My dad?

- Dang, it's too warm in here.

56 degrees.

That's $0.15 worth of heat,

and you all got coats.

[groans]

- We brought you

girls a little snack.

- Hi, Mr. Tonya's Dad.

Ooh, I like your uniform,

Mr. Tonya's Dad.

- Gross.

This is why LaDonna banned you

from sleepovers at her house.

- Shouldn't you two

be in bed already?

- [laughs]

You're so funny,

Mr. Tonya's Dad.

- You need a cold shower.

- Bye.

- Oh, we don't waste

cocoa around here.

We ain't the Jeffersons.

The only moving on up we ever

going to do is to heaven.

- Why are you in

such a bad mood?

- I'm fine.

- [sniffs]

I smell a fib.

And stray hairs.

And Barbasol.

[gasps]

Oh.

- What do you mean, oh?

- In the '80s, everyone

wasn't in therapy like today.

So Black men only

had one place

to deal with their thoughts

and feelings, the barbershop.

- So you'll never guess

what happened at work.

Romeo--

- And done.

Next.

- So I took your advice,

and I decided

to finish my circumcision.

- [sighs]

- Your haircuts are so fast.

I mean, you never get

to talk your problems out.

This is why bald men die first.

- No, we don't.

Do we?

- It's OK, baby.

I'm here.

You can talk to

me about anything.

- OK.

Well, see, today at work--

- [snores]

- Rochelle.

- No.

Uh-uh.

You know I can't

listen to work problems

without falling asleep.

I got worko-lepsy.

- That ain't real.

You made it up.

- OK, I'll try again.

- Thank you.

So today, Romeo's

truck was behind mine

while I was backing up.

And--

- [snores]

- Never mind.

[groans]

- I don't know about this.

Why would girls who like slam

poetry be into dating me?

- When girls start

smoking clove cigarettes,

they lower their standards.

And that's your demo.

- Thanks.

- Oh, you don't

have to thank me.

We're family.

OK, I'm going to teach

you a foolproof system

to meet girls from the Messiah

of Game himself, LL Cool J.

OK, now watch this.

[soft music]

- That's your

fool-proof system?

You just lick your lips

for no reason?

- It works for LL.

You'll see.

- Hey, I'm Sandy.

Mm.

[giggles]

- See?

- Fine.

Like this?

- Stop doing that.

- [sighs]

I'm going home.

Ah!

Wha!

[grunts]

- This is so not irie.

- Oh, my bad.

That was my purse

you slipped on.

Oh, let me help.

Ah!

- [grunts]

[both grunt]

- Sorry.

I'm all forehead.

- Hey, All Forehead.

I'm All Nikki!

Oh, Nikki, that was not funny.

- I'm Chris.

- Hey, I'm Nikki.

I already said that.

This is going great.

[upbeat music]

- Hair growth pills

for stubborn, cheap men.

Possible side effects,

nausea, drowsiness,

excessive skin growth.

Yeah, he doesn't

need to see all this.

- So what are those?

- Well, Nessa called,

and she told me

about a doctor

friend who's doing

a new clinical trial for gout.

So I ran--

- Rochelle, clinical trials

could have bad side effects,

especially the ones

they do on Black folk.

Doc did one for high

blood pressure medicine,

and now he sneezes

with his eyes wide open.

- Here's ya--

[sneezes]

- [screams]

It's haunting.

- But this one's different.

There are no side effects.

- Hmm.

- The trial pays $10 a bottle.

- I'm in.

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

[soft music]

♪

Rochelle, wake up.

I have something

important to tell you.

- She white?

She better not be white.

- What?

No.

♪

- Hot ♪

[rock music]

- [gasps]

Look at those baby hairs.

- I know.

I'm just like Shaft in Shaft.

- Well, now you can tell

your boring work stories

to the guys at the barbershop.

- Yeah, that's good.

Because so much has been

going down at the depot.

- [snores]

[upbeat music]

- So what's wrong

with your shoulder?

- It hurts from

holding these purses.

They're my sisters'.

I watch them while

they flirt with boys.

They call me the Bag Hag.

Damn it, Nikki, if you shut up,

people won't hear you.

- Whew.

My siblings drive me crazy too.

I just want to scream,

"Why didn't my parents

stop with me?"

- Yeah, same.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the

third parent in my household.

- Exactly.

Like, I didn't decide

to raise these kids.

- [laughs roughly]

- Hey, so assuming we

both heal up all right,

would you maybe want

to go out with me?

- Ooh, well, why don't you--

- Get lost?

Sure, just please don't hit

me with one of your purses.

- Actually, I was going to say,

why don't you call me?

- Oh.

Cool.

- Oh, excuse me.

I have to go to the restroom.

My 31-year-old bladder is

not what it used to be.

- [gasps]

31?

I'm still turned on.

She has to pee.

I'm still turned on again.

- As we cut to a break, do we

grasp what Chris has at stake?

An older woman has

caught his eye,

but he's afraid

he's too young of a guy.

- Hey, that guy stole my scarf!

- On the inside,

I was freaking out.

I didn't know the first thing

about dating an older woman.

But on the outside--

- I was like, "I'll see yo

fine a*s today at 3:00."

And she was like, "Oh, Chris.

3:00 is my favorite time."

- What's your game plan

for the date?

- I was just going to be

myself and see what happens.

[laughter]

- But you don't

have a job or a car.

You don't even have a bike.

- I got a bus pass.

- You can't take an older woman

on the bus on your first date.

Tragic, tragic.

- When it comes to

dating older women,

you got to be perfect

or lie trying.

- I made the mistake

of telling my lady the truth.

And now she's dating

somebody else.

In my defense,

her sister is hot.

- [scoffs]

I think Chris just needs

to practice licking his lips.

It's always worked for me.

- Drew, this was

me at your age.

I was pretty too once.

- Holy smokes.

You mean, you weren't always

gnarled and cadaverous?

- That's right.

You think your young,

pretty-boy moves

will work forever?

You can't lick your lips

out of middle age.

- [gasps]

- And every man in your

family goes bald by 30.

You think women are going

to be into your game

when you got a lumpy,

bald head?

- I never thought about that.

[dramatic music]

[screaming]

- So back to my stuff.

You guys think I should lie?

- Yes!

- I tell women that

your family rents from me.

- I tell women I'm an

eccentric trust-fund baby

that cuts hair for charity.

- I tell women I

invented the paperclip.

And then I give them

a couple for free.

- But I don't want

to lie to her.

I really like her.

- Fine, then just be yourself.

[soft music]

- I thought you

should know, I'm 17,

and I only have $10 to my name.

But I'm really hoping to stay

warm by nestling in your bosom.

- Ew!

[whimsical music]

- [screams]

All right,

so I won't be myself.

I'll be old, rich, and a liar.

- Have fun with it.

Give yourself a degree from

the London School of Economics.

How's she going to check?

- Check me out.

I'm on my way from bowling

ball to Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia.

- Dad, your head.

- I think you mean,

my head with hair.

- Damn, Julius.

Looking good.

Jump in the chair.

I'm going to clear my schedule.

I want to take my time

with these luxurious locks.

- Perfect, 'cause I got

to catch you up on work.

I have to go to my coworker

Romeo's birthday party,

and there's a dress code.

Now, where am I

going to get a shirt

that's not connected

to my pants?

- Why my dad is not hot.

Point number one,

he's got bunions

on his feet and his hands.

He's so old, his bones creak

like a haunted house.

And his eczema

makes Freddy Krueger

look like a porcelain doll.

- So?

We have different types.

You like pretty boys,

and I like

older men with weird problems

related to aging and lifestyle.

Anyway, I'm hungry.

What's your bodacious dad

making for dinner?

- [screams]

- Hey, Face Plant.

- Hey, Bag Hag.

I got us a reservation at

Peter Luger's Steak House.

No, I didn't.

- Oh, my God.

The Luger sizzling

bacon is so good.

Except for the heartburn after.

- Ugh, aging, am I right?

I was thinking how dates were

better when we were kids.

A date meant two people

hopping on a bus

and seeing where

Lady Transit took you.

- Yeah, the good old days.

- Hey.

Random thought.

- Ugh, riding the bus is

such a fun idea, Chris.

It gives us a chance to

really get to know each other.

- [coughs aggressively]

- So what do you do for work?

- Oh, I--

[tense music]

You ever heard of scrunchies?

- Uh, yeah.

- That was me.

Came up with it in a day.

Everyone said I should

call it "the scrunchy,"

but I had a vision.

- You're kidding.

I have millions.

That's so cool.

I wish I did cool stuff.

All I do is sleep.

Oh, and eat and go to bars

with my sisters, I guess.

And work.

Hey, speaking of, I got

a dumb work event tomorrow,

and I can bring a guest.

You want to come?

- Let me check my schedule.

What do you know?

I'm free.

- [shivers]

Ooh.

- I had done it.

I was cuddling with

a woman to stay warm.

I was the first Black man

happy to be cuffed.

- The barber shop

guys were right.

Licking lips won't

work forever.

So you better live it up now.

No.

Future Drew can't

have it that bad.

Tell me it's not that bad.

Oh, Drew, you need

to sit down for this.

[exhales sharply]

With these dry lips,

I can only get nines.

No!

[dramatic music]

- Yes!

- Our boy finally has a girl.

So his heart is a whorl.

[raccoons chittering]

Do not judge me.

- So you had a good date?

- I'm going to a work party.

- Damn!

- What should I wear?

- I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

Did you know that

we'll be bald someday?

I'll only get to date nines.

- I've never seen a nine.

- I'm not ready to

be a "normal," Chris.

Tell me it'll be OK.

[dramatic music]

[screams]

Ah!

- I got through two whole

work stories at the barbershop

today before I got

out of the chair.

- So your problem of not having

someone to vent to about work

was solved?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- And it's because

of your hair,

which is because of the pills,

which is because of me?

Wow. I'm good.

- I mean, it was

a lucky coincidence.

- Coincidence?

That was a clinical

trial for hair growth.

Science and Rochelle win.

I'd like to thank me.

[dramatic music playing]

Don't you play me off.

My man has two jobs and a head

of science-grown baby hairs.

- Wait.

Do I still get $10?

- Yes.

And now you got hair and more

time to talk shop at the shop.

And the world's best wife.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

- I'm a lucky man.

- Mwah!

[soft music]

- [gasps]

Back nipple side effect.

What?

Um, Julius--

- You know, you really

are the best wife.

Thanks for tricking me into

stuff that's good for me.

- You're welcome, baby.

- Suggested doses

are for chumps.

Bald chumps!

Hair we come!

Whew.

Romeo went all out

for this party.

He turned the heat

all the way up to 56.

I'm impressed.

- Me too.

But you guys should stay

clear of his pet jaguar.

[chuckles]

Oh, I gotta go to the hospital.

[groans]

- Hey, Julius,

what's on your back?

They look like back n*pples.

Gosh, it really

is cold in here.

- Back n*pples?

- Well, they ain't

on your front.

- How the hell did this happen?

The hair pills.

Oh, no!

I'm another test subject freak.

[sneezes]

Were my eyes open?

- I'll go get us some eepas.

- You're so funny.

I'd love an IPA.

- Mm-hmm.

- [groans]

- [grunts]

- Oh, no.

Bag Hag.

- Chris?

- Dad?

- What are you doing here,

in my sport coat, with beers?

And, Nikki, why are you hanging

out with my 17-year-old son?

- [gasps]

You're 17?

What? Great!

Now I'm a Bag Hag

and a cradle robber?

Not now, Janice!

- [sighs]

Oh, man.

- As Chris found a lady

to keep him warm,

his daddy came by and

brought a sh*t storm.

- What do you have

to say for yourself?

- I--

- Hush!

I don't want to hear a word.

I am not in the mood.

You lied to date an older

woman who was my coworker.

And worse than that, you met

her at a slam poetry bar.

Do you know how

many drug addicts,

sex offenders,

and failed rappers

there are in them places?

- Dad, I--

- I said hush!

And do not tell your

mother about Nikki.

She'll k*ll her,

then go to jail,

and I'll be left to raise

you as a single dad.

Is that what you want?

Answer me, boy!

- But--

- The only "butt"

I want to hear is

yours headed up to your room.

And if I catch you

sneaking out again,

I'm going to slam you with the

poetry of my foot in your a*s.

- [groans]

- Hey, baby.

How was Romeo's birthday?

- I have back n*pples,

Rochelle.

- [gasps]

Where'd all those come from?

There was only one

when I saw you.

I mean--

- You knew there was a back

nipple and didn't say anything?

Hungry babies were crawling

toward me on the street.

[babies whining]

- Oh, you were just so happy.

And I didn't want to ruin that.

- It was really great to

have hair and be able to get

work stuff off my chest.

Except now I got to get

these t*tties off my back.

- Baby, you're right.

I shouldn't have tricked

you into taking those pills.

- And I shouldn't have

taken the rest of the pills

all at once.

- What?

That's why you have so many--

whew.

Doesn't matter.

I need to get better at

listening to your work stories.

I think I have an idea.

[baby grunts]

[upbeat music]

- [pants]

And then what happened?

- Romeo parked his truck and--

- OK!

Yep!

Nope.

OK, I'm up.

Still with you.

Yeah, OK.

Romeo parked his truck.

Don't tell me.

He parked it in your spot.

- Yes.

That's exactly what he did.

- No way.

- You got busted, huh?

- Yup.

- Mom or Dad?

- Dad.

- Could be worse.

- Yeah.

You tripping about not

having game when you're old?

- Just a little.

- Well, you could have found

the first woman to actually

like you and then humiliate

her at a work party

so now you're alone

again and a liar.

- Yeah.

It's crazy how our problems

are exactly the same.

- I wish I could say

sorry to Nikki right now,

but Dad really wants to

stick his foot in my a*s.

- Well, one day I won't be

able to help you get women,

but I'll always be able

to help you distract Dad.

- Thanks, Drew.

- Hey, Dad.

What's the best strategy

for Black Friday?

- Oh, this is going

to take all night.

What do you know

about body armor?

Now, some people line up the

morning before Thanksgiving,

but those people are fools.

Probably not serious about

anything in their lives.

Now, check this out.

- Not that I don't

love free pizza,

but is there a reason

why you invited me here?

- You are right to think

that my Dad is foxy.

Last night when I was

looking in the mirror,

I realized something.

I'm gorgeous.

So of course,

my Dad's good-looking.

I have perfect genes,

and half of them are his.

- Ew!

I can't believe you

think your dad is hot.

- But you said--

- And to think, I could

have been your stepmom.

Man, I dodged a b*llet.

- I'm not attracted to my Dad!

[groans]

[upbeat music]

♪

- [groans]

- Hey, Bag Hag.

- Oh, great!

It's the child I dated.

Let me guess,

you're actually 12?

- Look, I'm sorry

about everything.

I just really liked you.

So I lied my a*s off.

- I didn't like you because

you were going to take me

to Peter Luger Steak

House or because you

were the CEO of Scrunchies.

Damn it, Nikki.

How did you not

realize he was lying?

Just so you know, I liked the

clumsy, sweet you I first met.

The real you is enough.

Just not old enough.

- Really?

- Girls will see how

great you are someday.

Just be patient.

Also, this made me realize I

like being with an older man.

So I got back with my ex.

- Chris?

You're who my lady was dating?

Now I'm going to have to

stab you right in the foot.

- [screams]

♪

- The city's heartbeat,

loud and amiss,

echoes a familiar refrain.

Everybody still hates Chris.

- Everybody

still Hates Chris ♪

[upbeat hip-hop music]

♪