01x06 - Everybody Still Hates Halloween

[bunniefuu]

- Halloween on

my block was dope.

It was the only time

you could wear a mask

without white people thinking

you were gonna rob 'em.

And people went all out.

The dude in the Reagan mask

won the scariest-costume

contest three years in a row.

- No!

- Even businesses

went hard for Halloween.

- $1, $1 will get you

one small pumpkin.

$5, $5, that'll get

you 5 pumpkins.

Now, that's math.

- But every Halloween, I got

stuck doing Halloween chores.

By the way, those

are real cobwebs

we took off my dad's wallet.

- Hey, Mr. Omar.

Is that what you look

like without makeup?

- I don't wear makeup.

Maybe a little corpse blush.

But don't tell Widow Jarvis

I mean, Jackson.

[] Baby, why don't

you go upstairs and dry your

pretty eyes on my silk sheets?

- Well, Happy

Halloween, I guess.

- Wait!

I made you guys some of my

world-famous pumpkin soup.

- What is that?

- $13.63 worth of soup?

Get in here!

- I just love Halloween

the costumes,

the sweets, the

worshipping of dead bodies.

How are you celebrating?

- We're not.

My boss is throwing

a Halloween party

and expects

everyone to be there.

- And what are you kids

doing on this All Hallows' Eve?

- Being forced into eating

candy to look for glass,

razors, or needles.

I'm basically a crash test

dummy for my lovely siblings.

- I'm just chilling

this year, too.

So many girls want

to hang out with me.

I don't know who to pick.

- Player to player,

I understand.

Who's gonna take Miss

Tonya trick-or-treating?

- I'm almost a grown woman.

What I look like begging

people for candy?

- Too old for trick-or-treating?

Y'all lost your

Halloween spirit.

Tragic. Tragic.

Hey, wait a sec.

You guys are going out, and

Drew and Tonya are staying in?

Does this mean I get

to do my own thing?

- Well, as long as you don't

bring home no ghost babies,

no zombie babies, no baby

babies, no Franken-babies.

- This is gonna be the

best night of my life.

Starting now.

- Aw, man!

This is not fair.

Why do you get to be Batman,

and I have to be the Boy Wonder?

- It's called reparations, baby!

I can't believe I get to

do my own thing this year.

Should I go to the

Deadly DJ Jam?

- Eh.

- What about Nessa's

scary hair show?

There's gonna be

more women than men.

- Come with me

to my uncle's party.

Last year, a couple

of his coworkers

wore super-hot costumes.

Who knew ET had so

much junk in the trunk?

They better not be

out of size-zero Sheila

E. costumes up in here,

or somebody gon' get hurt.

- Oh, Tasha's coming this way.

Get out of here.

- Oh!

- Hey, Chris.

- Oh.

Hey, Tasha.

- Cool Batman outfit.

I was hoping to run into you.

- Oh, yeah.

- I'd love it if you'd be

my special guest tonight.

- Hallow-clean, an

all-night church lock-in.

- It'll be fun.

Pray on it.

- Chris, you're so in there.

No, I'm not.

She just invited me to church.

- She asked you to

spend the night with her.

- Yeah, at church.

- She just wants a church man.

So go to church with her

man!

- All the other events

I was considering

would have girls at them.

But if I went to church,

it wouldn't be

with just any girl.

It would be with "the" girl.

- Hi.

Is that the last

Sheila E. size zero?

- Mm.

- Tasha, block that

woman for Mommy!

Hello, ma'am.

May I speak to Vanessa, please?

- Girl, you bored at work again?

You're using your

white-lady voice.

- Nessa, help me.

These people are phony freaks.

Hey, how's your day going?

- Does it feel a tad warm?

I'm worried Todd's

birthday cake will melt.

- You go change that

thermostat, Martha.

- Oh, great idea. I'm on it.

God.

- They've been shoving

cake in your face

for every occasion, huh?

Birthdays, anniversaries,

power outages.

- White people love cake, child.

It's their collard greens.

- Ah, damn it!

I missed Risky's Trunkin' Patch.

- Girl, he had a pumpkin that

looked exactly like Lou Rawls,

forehead and all.

We took Polaroids with it.

- I take my kids to

Risky's every year.

It's tradition.

Ain't nobody getting

in the way of me

spending time with my family.

I don't need this!

My man has two jobs!

- Ooh, yes!

Whoo-hoo! Tim

finally laid me off!

I'm free!

Suck it, Corporate America.

- Poor Chuck.

- You mean rich Chuck.

The company gives out big, fat

severance packages for anyone

lucky enough to be laid off.

- Big, fat what now?

- What? They pay

you not to work?

- If anyone at my job gets laid

off for a non-fireable offense,

they get a lump sum

of money plus benefits.

- But how?

- You can't do nothing crazy.

You just have to be so annoying,

they ask you to leave.

It worked for Chuck.

That man ate tuna for

lunch every day for months.

His tuna funk lives in infamy.

- Are you sure

severance isn't just

an urban legend,

like Bigfoot or Black

people living in Switzerland?

- Baby, it's real.

I've seen it with

my own two eyes.

So will you make me the

happiest woman in the world

and spend the rest of our

Halloween annoying the hell

out of my boss?

- Yes. Yes.

A million times, yes.

- In the '80s,

behind-the-scenes footage

took all the fear

out of scary movies.

- You know, eating soup

just fuels the creative process.

- Of course, Drew and Tonya

lost their Halloween spirit.

- Trick or

- Trick or treat, yeah, yeah.

We get it. Here you go.

Whoa, whoa,

whoa! Little vultures!

I want that one.

At this rate, we'll have

no candy left for us.

- Wait.

Let's turn off all the lights

and pretend we're not here.

- Why would we do that?

- So no one knocks on our

door and takes our candy.

What are they teaching

you in that white school?

- Oh

We're not here!

- I was about to spend

the night with Tasha,

and I had the perfect costume.

Damn, Bible fashion

for boys is very limited.

It was either Moses

or the Burning Bush.

- Ooh-whee!

I'm flaming for the Lord, y'all!

- Nice costume, Chris. I

love your broom-handle staff.

- Sons and daughters, may I

have your attention, please?

My only begotten son Pharaoh

and I would like to welcome you

to our annual Hallow-clean,

the event that puts

God where He belongs

On a shiny pedestal

And puts the devil

where he belongs.

And where is that?

In hell!

- That's right.

Now, I got to go out here and

throw blessed oil on any kid

dressed like a vampire,

so my head of youth

ministry will take it from here.

Sister Johnson, if you would.

So happy to have

you. God bless ya.

- Hmm, thank you, Pastor Percy.

Follow me, little ones.

- Moses coming through.

Let's part this sea of butts.

- Hey!

- For some reason,

they put an old lady

with cataracts in charge.

That was like the

blind leading the fine.

- Now, let's listen

to some Jesus jams

on my favorite AM gospel radio

as I lock us in.

- Guess we're gonna be

trapped in here together.

I'm so happy you were

able to make it tonight.

- Young ladies,

get on the other side

of that big partition

out of the sight

of these impressionable

young mens.

- Wait, what's happening?

I knew we had to leave

room for the Holy Ghost

but not leave the actual room!

- So do you think we

look inappropriate enough

for me to get laid off?

- They're gonna do

more than lay me off.

What fair middle-aged

wench made this cake?

I must bed her immediately.

- Come on, Conan.

Let's get me some severance.

- Thank you all

for coming tonight.

Martha made a

beautiful graveyard cake.

So please eat,

drink, and be scary.

- Yeah, I can tell

it's a graveyard cake.

Looks dead on arrival.

♪

- Whoops!

- My cake!

- Sorry.

- That's mine!

- My fault.

- Aw, man.

♪

- Oof! Ah!

Hot, hot, hot.

- Uh-oh! She spat

all over the cake!

- Oh, dear. Let

me clean that up.

Whoa!

♪

- I got lost in Sodom

and Gomorrah again?

What will I ever do here?

Many sons had Father Abraham ♪

I am one of them ♪

And so are you ♪

So let's just

praise the Lord ♪

Right arm!

- Singing songs was

ironically my idea of hell.

Then I noticed Sister Johnson

fell asleep or maybe died.

Either way, I was free.

- Where do you think

you're going, sinner?

- Are you serious?

The old lady's asleep.

We're unsupervised.

This is what we

all been waiting for.

- We got to save his soul.

- No! Never!

- This is boring.

Let's watch something else.

- You will

- Definitely die

- Tonight.

- That wasn't a coincidence.

- H-h-hello?

- Hello?

- Who was that?

- Probably just a

girl wanting to hear

the sound of my pretty voice.

- Girl, stop calling here.

Drew's not gonna pick you.

- Uh, I think one of your

admirers got emphysema.

The next time the phone

rings, I ain't getting it.

- It's probably one

of those girls climbing

the roof to peeping Tom on me.

Must have kicked the antenna.

- That's OK.

I like watching static.

Lord, bind that horny demon!

I rebuke the spirit of lust!

- Get off me!

- And, Lord, please teach Chris

how to enjoy being

with the opposite sex

without trying to get him some.

Enough!

Even the shepherd needs

a break from his sheep.

Can I get an amen?

- No.

Come on.

Don't you want to go

to the promised land?

I said, can I get an amen?

We're gonna be adults soon,

working a double

shift on Halloween.

So tonight damn the rules.

Damn the regulations.

Let's do what kids are

supposed to do, my brothers.

Can I get an amen?

Amen!

- Come on, Pharaoh,

you know you want to.

- Amen!

- And God said,

let my people go!

Part-ay!

Welcome to the land

of milk and honeys.

♪

- That's not the first time

Moses tricked Pharaoh.

- Ah, Julius.

This is taking too long.

I'm running out of ways

to annoy white people.

- Why is that? You're an

expert at annoying Black people.

Oh, I was just playing.

Tim! Tim!

Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

- Jackpot.

- Tim!

Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

Hey, sweet cheeks.

Great party.

- "Sweet cheeks"?

Yes!

My Booty Blaster

3000 is paying off!

- What the hell?

- Well, it was

the '80s, after all.

Today if a doctor slaps a

newborn baby on the butt,

the baby hires a lawyer.

♪

- Tasha, what's wrong?

- It feels weird to

dance in church.

Do you think things

are getting a little crazy?

- No. Everyone's just

having a good time.

- Who wants to do

something crazy?

Let's drink soda!

- Soda? Sugar's not allowed.

What's happening?

- What's happening is people

are having fun at church.

- Ahh.

I love this church!

- You have nothing

to worry about, Tash.

It's gonna make more

kids want to come here.

I sure have the spirit in me.

Whoa, slow down.

- I was I was just

- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I'm so glad we stayed in.

It's been a calm,

perfectly normal night.

- Yep. Unexplainable

things happen every day.

We're just programmed to think

when they happen on Halloween,

it must be something

supernatural.

Scary!

The problem is,

Daddy always be buying

these wack electronics.

- Yeah. Instead of a Panasonic,

he got us a Pain-o-sonic.

- They're always trimming

trees on Halloween at 10:00 p.m.

- The night was going well,

so I decided to

take a leap of faith

and do something nerds

like me only dreamed about.

- Hey, everybody, want to

play seven minutes in heaven?

- Is that the game where

you're forced to be in the closet?

I pass.

- Come on.

It's called seven

minutes in heaven.

It was probably

invented in a church.

OK, everybody.

Write your name

on a piece of paper.

And when you're

done, give it to me.

Stained-glass window Jesus,

please let me end up

in the closet with Tasha.

Amen.

- No need to pick a name, Chris.

I choose you.

- Whoa.

No wonder people love You.

- Go get thy some, Chris.

Ooh! Yeah.

- Mm!

- Ugh!

- It still smells like Chuck's

funky tuna around here.

I'll never be as bad as him.

Come on, baby, let's go home.

I just really wanted

to lose this job, Julius.

I guess I'm not annoying enough.

- Baby, don't say that.

- I'm letting us all down!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come here.

I've had so much

fun with you tonight.

I appreciate all you do

to make our family better.

- Ow!

Oh, my goodness.

- Oh, baby.

Oh, baby. Oh.

- Oh, God, you're so sexy.

- Those floppies had our

biggest account on them.

- Rochelle, my office, now.

♪

- This was it, the moment

that was gonna turn this

into the best

Halloween of my life.

Oh, man.

I just love the Bible.

What's that verse about

being fruitful and multiplying?

As if, Chris!

- Ow! Why?

- Sir, there is no

excuse for my behavior.

- The risqué costume,

racing office chairs,

ruining cake, making

out all over the office.

- Ah-bup-bup, shh.

I understand. You

have to lay me off.

I'll go box up my things.

Oh, no.

You're not laid off.

On the contrary, you're

the type of employee

we need around here!

- Are you drunk on

dreamsicle punch?

- Corporate life can be

stagnant and predictable,

but you found a way

to shake things up.

Thank you.

- What about those

important floppies

I destroyed while I was making

out with Conan out there?

- Nothing is more

important than witnessing

Black love on display.

Hell, "Mahogany"

is my favorite movie.

- Well, how'd it go?

How much severance

did you get us?

Can we send our

favorite kid to college?

- He promoted me.

- What?

- Oh, yeah.

He hates spending money

on severance packages.

That's why it's

nearly impossible

to get laid off around here.

It took Chuck five

long, annoying,

tuna-filled years

to get him to cave.

Just give up.

- Oh, he's playing with me.

He has no idea who

he's messing with.

- Is this a game to you?

Has this been

your plan all along?

- You brought me in here.

- I brought you in here

to talk about how this

party is getting crazy.

You're getting crazy!

- I thought this is

what you wanted.

You wanted a church guy.

We're at church. I'm a guy.

I made this fun. What

else do you need me to do?

Lead people through

the desert for 30 years?

- It's 40 years, Chris, 40.

- I'm just trying to

make an effort

for you.

Maybe I pushed the

church thing a little too hard.

My mom's an ex-stripper.

I don't even know who my dad is.

And I get bullied at

school for not liking Prince.

This church is what

I need right now.

I don't want

anything to jeopardize

my relationship with God.

I just need you to be my friend.

- I'd be happy

to be your friend.

- Thanks. I'll see

you back out there.

You better not be telling anyone

you were touching

my booty in here.

♪

- Thanks a lot.

- I'm sorry, Chris.

Are you feeling sad? A

little uncomfortable, even?

The kind of uncomfortable

when you're nailed

to a wooden cross?

- Chris, by the

way, as your friend,

I advise you to go talk to her.

- The chick in the

Bathsheba costume?

Why?

- Trust me. I put

in a good word.

♪

- It was actually cool

having a female friend.

They're like male friends,

only you can occasionally

stare at their asses.

What's happening?

- Maybe Dad forgot

to pay the gravity bill.

- This should be

happening to Chris.

We got to get to a grown-up.

Mr. Omar!

both: Mr. Omar!

Mr. Omar, let us in!

- Mr. Omar?

♪

- Boo!

- Aah!

Don't you dare

touch his pretty face!

Die, ghoul!

- Ow!

- Mr. Omar?

- You saved my life and my face.

- What is wrong with you?

This is the same costume

I was wearing earlier.

Stabbing me with my own fork?

That's cold.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Omar.

But what the hell's

wrong with you?

- Aah!

I just wanted to get you

two to believe in the magic

of the season again.

- Well, good job scaring

two children half to death.

I'll admit, you had us

with the heavy-breathing

phone calls,

the TV cutting off,

the chain saw sounds.

- And don't forget the

windows opening and closing

and those scary moans.

How'd you do all that?

- What? What are

you talking about?

I just threw a few fake

spiders on your doorstep

and put on this costume.

I didn't do the other stuff.

- I truly believe that

my family's brownstone

was haunted by the dead husbands

of the widows Mr. Omar

hooked up with over the years.

If those guys ever

catch Mr. Omar

near the pearly gates,

he's getting his a*s beat.

- Hey.

- Hey.

I just want you to know

you saved my night.

I thought it'd be boring,

but you made it fun.

- Ah, it was no big deal.

- Mm.

- Happy Halloween to me.

Kissing?

Unsanctioned snacks?

FM radio?

Oh, Lord!

These children have turned

Your house into a den of sin!

Pharaoh, did you allow this?

- Uh, as a responsible

youth leader

and a respected member

of this church community,

I just want you to

know, Chris did it!

- Hey, come on, guys.

We had fun, right?

- Stone him!

- Judas!

Jeez, Jesus.

You too?

- Yes, for playing East

Coast rap in my house.

Everyone knows I like NWA.

singers: Everybody

still hates Chris ♪