05x19 - Gate-gate

[bunniefuu]

TAD:
Jay, Mark,

I would like to discuss with you

my vision for Mountains
of the Valley, the world's

first upscale breastaurant.

I'm confused, Trevor.

I thought you owned
the trademark to that name

and you had refused
to sell it to him.

Yes, but in the end,
Jay couldn't countenance

the alternative name
that Tad settled upon:

Boobs and Steaks.

So they asked me to let Tad

have "Mountains of the Valley,"

-and here we are.
-TAD: And how are we coming

with the menu, Jay?
You got my email about the lamb?

Yeah, I did.

Tad, it's just, you know,

the individual chops
are kind of my signature.

Yeah, got to be a rack,
otherwise it won't make sense

when the servers ask

if anyone would like to see
their huge rack.

Well, it's hard
to argue with that, Tad.

And what exactly
are jalapeño knockers?

That's for Jay to figure out.

But they're on the menu.

[sighs] Gabe, we have
to find a way to save Mahesh.

We can't let our restaurant
turn into this.

Okay, guys,
I'll see you tomorrow.

[short chuckle]

Yeah, this is hell.

Who is that?

Nikki, the new barkeep.

She looks...

very qualified.

Are you talking about
those strong muddling hands?

Yeah, I noticed that, too.

Calluses for days, am I right?

Oh, yeah. No mint is safe.

♪ ♪

What do you mean,
you're moving out?

I know this comes as a shock.

When I moved to the
basement, I considered it

a permanent
and authentic decision.

But what can I say?
My friends miss me.

[scoffs] Spare us, Isaac.

You moved down here so you could
run for ghost representative

as a basement dweller.

Now you don't need us,

so you're out of here. Fine.

Take your carpet
and put it in your bag

-and shove it.
-Oh.

Well, this is emotional
for all of us. Hmm?

I, for one, will remember each
and every one of you fondly.

I'm back. [laughs]
I'm free of those freaks.

[sniffs] Oh, do you smell that?

-I don't smell anything.
-Precisely.

Oh, it's good to be home.

Welcome back, Isaac.

SAMANTHA: Hey,

uh, Tad? I just wanted
to talk to you about something.

Oh, I'm glad you're here.

What if instead of
small, medium and large,

we offered our drinks

in a B cup, C cup and D cup?

I think this guy
might be a genius.

Tad, are you sure
that this rebrand

is the best thing
for the business?

It's just, Mahesh
is very precious to Jay.

I mean,
he named it after his dad.

I named the main character
after my dad

in my classic noir film
Jimmy The Deadbeat.

-He must have been very touched.
-[phone chimes]

Sons of b*tches. Sorry, sorry.

City council is voting tomorrow

to officially
remove me from office.

Oh, I thought
that already happened.

Effectively, yeah.
It's just a formality.

But if the vote
goes your way tomorrow,

you could be mayor again?

Never gonna happen.
Councilman Gus Heyward,

my nemesis,

is the deciding vote,

so unless he has
a miraculous change of heart,

I'm afraid you guys
are stuck with me.

I always wanted
to have a nemesis.

Well, what about your friend
who was sleeping

with your wife
for all those years?

Oh, yeah.
I guess I do have one.

-[chuckles]
-SAMANTHA: Hang on,

if Gus did change his mind
and reinstate you,

is that something
you'd be interested in?

Yeah, of course.

Public service is my passion.

I just want to help people
and make the world better.

Hey, Tad,
the tank tops came in but

they're not bedazzled
like you wanted.

TAD:
Seriously?

I spent 20 minutes
on the phone with that guy.

I sent him multiple sketches.

Sorry, excuse me.

This is interesting.

Sam, it seems like
if you can get Tad

his mayorship back, he'll
drop the whole restaurant idea.

Whoa, h*, let's just
take a beat.

What about Nikki?
She just got this job.

Is anybody thinking about her?

'Cause I'm thinking about her.

I'm... I'm thinking
about her quite a bit.

SAMANTHA:
We got to talk to this
councilman,

see if we can change his mind.

Now, hold your horses.
You want to flip a politician,

-you're gonna
need some leverage.
-What do you mean?

I'm talking about dirt.

Who is this guy?
What's he hiding?

Everybody has something
they don't want someone

-to know.
-Like my unpermitted deck.

I mean, I would've
done just about anything

to keep that from coming out.

The stairs weren't even
to code, God forgive me.

That makes a lot of sense, Joan.

I'm gonna go do some digging
on this councilman,

see if we can
find anything useful.

It's like she doesn't care
about Nikki at all.

[scoffs]
Heartless.

[groans]

[groans]

Isaac!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just can't seem
to fall asleep.

Perhaps I'm out of practice
sleeping lying down.

In the basement,
we sleep standing up.

Like cattle. Or horses.

Also, giraffes.
Which, as I understand them,

are kind of like
tall, orange donkeys.

Look, I've got
a big day tomorrow.

The new People magazine
is arriving,

and I'm hoping
for a Chalamet cover.

Oh. Wait,
what happened to Momoa?

Oh, hunks are over. It's
all about hot rodent men now.

"Hot rodent men."

Okay, good night.

[groans]

I swear to God.

JOAN:
Oh, God, this takes me back,

digging up dirt on a bigwig.

A politician with a dark past.

Classic noir stuff.

This guy's a saint.
Councilman Gus Heyward

volunteers at church,

fundraises
for the Salvation Army,

fosters disabled dogs.

Boom. I got
a parking ticket in 1996.

Is that anything?

Not exactly a dead hooker,
but it's a start.

Happy blackmailing, everyone.
How's it going?

JOAN:
We've got bubkes.

This guy's cleaner
than Orson Welles' plate

after a steak dinner at Musso's.

She has a way with words.

I don't know
what any of them mean,

but I like how she says 'em.

Wait, is that the guy?

-That's Gus?
-SAMANTHA: Yeah.

-Why?
-Because I've seen him before.

And if we need dirt,

oh, boy, I got
a whole truckload.

Enough to get the mayor
his job back?

And then some.

Oh! I got
a second parking ticket.

A pattern emerges.

Just tell us, Pete.
What do you have on Gus

that would be so damning
that he would have

to reinstate Tad as the mayor?

Well, I will tell you

right after a patented
Martino drumroll.

-I saw him in an orgy.
-Oh.

-What?
-You remember months ago

when we snuck into
the Farnsbys' media room

to move that bookshelf
so that Thor

could watch his son get married?

We do have fun.

Yes, I remember.
I jumped out the window

and I ran home to cancel our
Ever Creek water subscription.

Well, after you left, you'll
recall Jay was stuck in a closet

while your friends, who
were renting the Farnsbys' home,

put on a DVD of what they
thought was the movie Swingers.

But it turned out
to be a sex tape

of people who
actually were swingers.

Bingo,

a septuagenarian orgy,
one of the stars of which

was our friend Gus right here.

-Oh.
-Oh.

Jay, Gus was in that amateur
porn video you heard

in the Farnsbys' closet.

Oh, God.

That haunting knee clicking?
That was Gus's.

A click, a clack,
a romp in the sack.

She can really sell
some gibberish.

But, babe,
none of this is good to us

unless we can get
some hard evidence,

no pun intended.

Yes.

My guy's not afraid to go blue.

Well, we better get that tape.

Or we could accept
that Mahesh had a good run,

and Nikki gets to keep her job.

Who are we to play God?

So we'll get the tape.

-Yeah, we'll get the tape.
-Great.

Suddenly, Ward McAllister
opens his mouth

and vomits all over
Alva Vanderbilt's birthday cake.

Oh, and that's when I realize

-the clams have turned.
-[yawns]

Am I boring you?

I'm sorry, Hetty, I-I didn't get
a wink last night.

I've been
in the basement so long,

I think I've grown habituated

to their
unusual nocturnal customs.

HETTY:
Hmm.

You've been institutionalized.

Excuse me?

In 1876, my mother made
an offhand comment,

admitting to feelings
of sexual longing.

She was thus
diagnosed with hysteria

and whisked away
to the local asylum.

-Naturally.
-Upon her return


she had grown accustomed
to the ways of the asylum,

and it was now home where
she felt a strange unease.

Yes.

That's exactly how I'm feeling.

So what did you do?

Well, we realized
she needed to be weaned,

so for a time

we brought a taste of
the asylum back to Woodstone.

To help Mother go to sleep,

my sister Margaret and I

would wail psychotically
outside her door.

Interesting. So you're
saying I should bring

some of the basement upstairs,

at least until I've weaned
myself of their ways.

Indeed. Exactly.

Genius.

Thank you.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

Oh, it was a dangerous summer
for shellfish.

GARRETT:
I'm surprised
you wanted to borrow a DVD.

Don't y'all have
streaming over there?

I'm more of
a physical media guy.

Me, too. Though
I got burned bad by Betamax.

How did VHS win?

It's a slightly
inferior platform.

Oh, there's
so many to choose from.

I think I'll just go
with some of the classics.

Uh, Master and Commander.

Oh, Die Hard.

Whatever this is

and Sudden Death

starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Uh, wait, that one's
not actually Swingers.

And Die Hard's not what
he thinks it is either.

It's fine, whatever.

No, you really don't
want to see that.

Well, that's what they said
about Batman Forever,

but guess what. I loved it.

It's the Farnsbys having sex
with a bunch of old people.

I can handle it.

What?

Thank you, see you later.

So, how's married life?

He snores so loud.

Yeah, Vikings.

ISAAC:
Okay, Hetty,

that's perfect.

Pete, don't be afraid
to scoot right in there.

All right, now, Sass,
feel free to relax that posture.

We're looking for a nice,
casual slouch, all right?

That's it.

What the hell's going on here?

Hmm? Oh. [laughs]

Well, uh, Hetty helped me see

that I had become
institutionalized,

so in order to wean myself,

I've decided
to temporarily recreate

the basement
sleep experience upstairs.

Don't mind us, we'll just be

standing here quietly
watching you sleep.

ISAAC [laughs]:
Oh, it won't be quiet.

No, the subterranean
sleep experience

is a symphony of bodily noises.

What?

Well, for example, Nancy died

with pus blocking
the majority of her nasal canal,

creating the most
soothing nose whistle.

Hetty, I'm gonna need you
to recreate that.

Oh, unfortunately,
cocaine obliterated my septum.

The air blows through it

like a breeze
through a mountain pass.

[sighs] Okay. Well,
there's also a scent element.

Did anyone die
having recently eaten an onion?

Creepy Dirk did,
and that pungent aroma

has become a bit
of a security blanket.

You know, Isaac, these requests
are a little more specific

than I anticipated.

I kind of just thought
it would be clumping.

So that's a no to the onion?

Okay, well, somebody

has to be in charge
of the bedtime stories,

and the main character's
name has to be Isaac

because that is how
the Trunk would always do it.

I think I'm out.

What? No.

I thought this would be,
like, funny weird,

but now it's just
kind of sad weird.

-Okay, bye.
-ISAAC: Sass,

you can't leave.
Three is not a clump!

All right. Alberta, you're in.

[scoffs]
Dream on, Isaac.

I wish I could.

I wish I could.

JAY:
Well, thank you

for meeting with me,
Councilman Heyward.

Always happy
to sit with a constituent.

Unfortunately,
we've seen your happy face,

and that's not it.

Now, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

I'm volunteering at
a soup kitchen this afternoon.

But what can I do for you?

Well, uh, sir,

I'm a colleague of
the soon-to-be former mayor's,

and I would like you
to reconsider

stripping him
of his mayoral duties.

We have seen him
strip people before.

See, you're not the only one
who can do wordplay.

Look, it's a shame
what happened with Tad,

but he violated the trust
and faith of this community.

And unfortunately
my hands are tied.

Not even gonna
touch that one. Too easy.

Okay, I'm gonna
cut right to the chase.

Tad is turning
my dream restaurant

into an upscale breastaurant

and making me invent

jalapeño knockers,

so I'm going to slide
a DVD to you now...

...that will
make you reconsider.

Aw, baby's first blackmail.

What is this? Swingers?

Well, it's not
the Vince Vaughn love letter

to the Los Feliz of the '90s.

That is septuagenarian porn.

It's an orgy filmed
at the Farnsbys'.

Oh, no.

That got his attention quicker

than Ms. Farnsby
walking in with a riding crop.

Look, I could get Tad
his mayorship back,

but that won't fix things.

There's someone else

who wants Tad taken down,

and she'll stop at nothing.

[gasps]
A mysterious femme fatale.

The plot thickens.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about
the person who told me

about Gate-gate
in the first place.

The whistleblower.

She's desperate to end
Tad's political career,

and she's got more dirt
where that came from.

Well, who is she?

I can't tell you that.

And now that I have this,

I don't have to.

And you won't be able
to prove a thing.

Dude, I have copies.

Oh.

Can I have those?

No.

Okay.

In that case, I'll tell you.

The whistleblower is...

Tad's wife.

JOAN:
The wife did it.

Classic twist.

But tell me more
about this breastaurant.

Is there a back room,

and do you rent it out
to large groups?

Okay, yes, I was the one

who turned Tad in for Gate-gate.

You enjoying your food?

It's delicious.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, I-I'm a ghost.
I thought you knew.

Worked at Pizza Barn
back in '05.

Four restaurants ago.

Didn't you see
the check spike in her back?

What's delicious?

I was talking

to you. The betrayal.

The betrayal is delicious.

JAY:
Mm, she is

a big fan of betrayal,

which, you know,
keeps me on my toes.

So, circling back,
why did you sabotage

your own husband's
political career?

I did it for our marriage.

After our daughter
went to college,

it was supposed to be our time.

We always said we'd sell
the house, buy a boat,

sail to the islands,
but our time never came.

Love your outfit.

PETE:
They're clearly

in a conversation.

Have some ghost-to-Living
etiquette.

MELANIE:
After he sold
the car dealership,

then he ran for mayor.

I saw even less of him then.

So you took him down, but then,

instead of spending
more time with you,

he just dove into a new project.

Exactly.

He's never
going to stop working.

She's a bit of a bummer, but

you've got to feel
for the broad.

[sighs]

-[chuckles] Melanie.
-MELANIE: Tad?

What are you doing here?

I'm picking up my moo shu pork.

Jay recommended
this place to me.

Jay, you recommended
this place to Tad

and suggested it to Melanie
for our secret meeting?

Well, it's a great place,
but they're not doing very well.

I'm just trying to support them.

-What's she talking about,
secret meeting?
-[Melanie sighs]

I'm tired of this.

Tad.

I'm the one who blew
the whistle on Gate-gate.

What? How could you?

Because I miss you.

It's actually kind of sweet,
if you think about it.

Who cares?
You ruined my political career.

[sighs]
I can't believe
you'd do this to me.

So, do we think that
moo shu pork is up for grabs?

-Jay.
-Well, I don't want it
to go to waste.

[ghosts snoring]

-Isaac.
-No, shh, shh. Back to sleep.

-Hey.
-No, no, let's just...
-STUART: Isaac, you're back.

Hey, everyone, Isaac's back.

Oh. Look who came crawling back,
standing up.

No, no, no, no, I'm not back.
I simply want to sleep with you.

-Listening.
-Uh, no, I mean,

I've been having trouble
sleeping upstairs,

so I thought I would just come
down here to get some shut-eye.

Yeah, right.
I know what this is.

-You miss us.
-[Isaac scoffs]

Yeah, right.
What do I miss, hmm?

Dirk's onion breath?

Stuart's idiotic pontificating
about wood?

The warm, womb-like security
of the clump?

Okay, fine, I miss you freaks.
There, I said it.

Isaac, just because you
don't live down here anymore

doesn't mean
you can't come visit.

-Really?
-Absolutely.

We have an open-door policy
down in the pit.

Mostly because someone
nailed a door shut

to make sure we died in here.

-Yeah, you're always welcome.
-Yeah.

Oh, there's that onion breath
I've missed so much.

Oh, what do you say,
one more overnight

-for old times' sake, hmm?
-Come on, clump up, buddy.

[Nancy and others sigh]

[Isaac sighs]

[ghosts snore]

So I could be mayor again

because Gus goes
to senior sex parties?

I know you're processing a lot,

but, yes, that is pretty much
the gist of it.

Are the parties
just for seniors?

Or do young people
just choose not to go?

TAD:
I don't know.

With my marriage falling apart,

maybe it's better
to just turn the page,

launch this restaurant. I mean,

you nailed
these jalapeño knockers.

Idea-- what if they were served

in a bra basket that
the customer had to unclasp?

We are watching
a once-in-a-generation talent.

And the clasp is an onion ring.

-What a mind.
-SAMANTHA: Uh, Tad,

there's someone here to see you.

I came to apologize.

It's true, I've been unhappy,

but I never should have
blown the whistle on Gate-gate.

In my defense, I had just

polished off a box of white zin.
[laughs]

She'd probably get along
really well

with that wino Lucille Ball.

-[chuckles]
-TAD: Honestly,

I'm not mad at you.
You were desperate.

And it's true,
I-I-I do love my work.

But I also love you,

so I'm not sure
where that leaves us.

Well, here's a "cake
and eat it, too" suggestion.

He wants to work, she wants
to spend more time together.

What if they took a page
out of the Sam and Jay playbook

and worked together?

What if there was a way
that you could still be mayor

and also spend
more time together?

By being like me and Jay?

-What do you mean?
-Cash-strapped?

-Inept at business?
-Friendless?

Maybe you could work together
at the mayor's office.

Oh, I would love
to work with Tad, but...

I don't know if I'm built
for the world of politics.

I don't know, that was pretty
manipulative and underhanded,

the way you derailed
Tad's career.

That's true.

She could be
your chief of staff.

Oh, uh, I already have one.

Not after you throw Jeremy
under the bus

for any residual
Gate-gate fallout.

My God, that came to her easily.

I like it. We're gonna do
great things together.

We could even do some traveling,

like you wanted,
but on the city's dime.

He heard he's getting
his job back five seconds ago,

and he's already knee-deep
in new corruption.

JAY:
Oh, no.

You probably won't have time
to be the mayor

and run a world-class
breastaurant, though, huh?

That's true, but I don't want it
happening without me. [sighs]

I'm gonna have to pull the plug
on Mountains of the Valley.

You can still put
jalapeño knockers

on the Mahesh menu if you want.

Thank you. I will take that
under serious consideration.

Thank you guys for everything.

TAD:
We got to go,

but we'll write you
from St. Kitts,

where we'll be on a catamaran,

working tirelessly
for the people of Ulster County.

And in the end
it all worked out.

The girl got the guy,
the guy got the job,

and I got to smell something
called moo shu three ways.

Which, ironically,
was the name of the move

Gus was doing on that tape.

NEWSCASTER [over TV]:
Well, it seems that Mayor Tad

has somehow survived
the Gate-gate scandal

and will not be
stepping down anytime soon.

Oh, good news for Tad,
bad news for jalapeño knockers.

Yeah, sorry, Trevor.

This is a setback for the
upscale breastaurant industry

as a whole.

But we have been through worse
and we will be back.

And in a surprising twist,

Tad's return to office was
aided

by a longtime political foe--
Gus Heyward.

I caught up with the
city councilman earlier today.

That's the thing about
politics.

You never know when people
are going to come together.

That language felt purposeful.

-I think you're probably
reading into it.
-My point is,

you have to be flexible.

Sometimes you just have
to reach across the aisle

and give someone a hand.

Okay, well,
there's no reading into that.

Okay, yeah, this guy's a freak.

He did that same wink
on the tape. Ugh, it haunts me.

NEWSCASTER:
And now let's turn it over

to brand-new Channel Five
weatherwoman Nikki Snow.

A cold front is expected to
move in over the next few days.

Wait, is that the bartender
from Mountains of the Valley?

-Yes.
-Glad she landed on her feet.

Can't keep
that kind of talent down.