02x02 - Life Drawing

[bunniefuu]

This is me.

Nice gaff. Posho.

Oh, no. My parents

bought it in the '80s,

It was like a different

time. We're not rich.

It's a joke. Oh.

I had a great time

tonight. Me, too.

Can we do this again?

Maybe. Mm-hm.

SHE CLEARS THROA

CAR DOOR SHUTS

MUSIC: 'Jackpot' by

Sorcha Richardson.

Red light, break

it If you want it

I'm a good time I'll

take you to the summit ♪

I should probably Yeah.

Yeah. SHE CLEARS THROAT.

I promise that you'll love it

It's a thin line

But everybody does it

And that first night

I saw you in the city

By the church yard Knew

that this would k*ll me ♪

Definitely do this

again. Definitely.

SHE MOANS, THEY BREATHE HEAVILY

If it's a long game

Then I know how to play it

That's my first name ♪

Do you want to come inside?

Oh, it's fine. Everyone's

having sex in there.

HE CHUCKLES, MUSIC CUTS

Shiv HE PANTS

I'm opening tomorrow.

Don't be so f*cking boring.

I just It's fine.

Shiv, just stop, will you?

Sorry. I just think we

should probably you know.

Oh, yeah. No, course. Course.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Great night, though.

Totally. THEY CHUCKLE.

HE CLEARS THROA

How long were you seeing

Shane before you

What? Rode him.

It's what you meant.

Was it a couple of

dates or Minutes?

CUP THUDS

And, like were you

sure he wanted to?

Jesus, Shiv, I'm not rapey.

Yeah, no, I know.

I just meant

Is there an appropriate

amount of time

you're supposed to

wait before you?

If you're with the right

person, it doesn't matter.

I slept with Shane

on our first date.

Yup!

Look at us now.

He climbs out your bedroom

window every time he stays over.

He's not good with family, OK?

sh*t! f*ck-off Finbar's up!

SHE GROANS Is he

actually living here now?

Where was he living before?

Morning! ALL: Morning.

Oh, doing a clear-out?

Date night, and I've

nothing to wear.

Really?

SHE SIGHS Well, nothing

sexy, you know.

Oh.

Cos you have to make the effort.

What, to keep them interested?

How do you even

know when they are?

Oh, I think you

know. I'm exhausted!

SHE EXHALES LOUDLY

Well, I could come shopping.

Help you look for something?

Not that I know

anything about men.

No, it's all right, love.

I'll find something.

Oh, Jesus, is that the time?

I'm gonna be late.

Morning. Morning.

That hedge could do with a trim.

I'll call the guy

who did it last time.

Ah, no, no, no, no. I'll do it.

There's no point in

spending good money.

Right.

Is there any news of Pam's

trial? Have they set a date yet?

I can't talk now,

Tom. I have a meeting.

Right.

SHE SIGHS It's what

you're paid for, Bibi!

I'm sorry. I forgot.

What's going on?

We've no-one to

teach the geriatrics.

The? The over-60s

evening class.

Shelley's on maternity. Again

(!) Bibi forgot to get cover.

Well, she's always

popping out babies.

How am I meant to keep up?

SHE TUTS AND SIGHS sh*t!

It's life drawing class.

This is the only reason

they even sign up!

I could cover.

You?

I have a degree in fine art.

Really? It was on my CV.

I can show you my

portfolio, if you

No. God, no-one

wants to see that.

Are you free the next

three Tuesday nights?

Yeah, yeah.

Fine. You can do it.

Really?

Oh, my God. Thanks, Dearbhla.

But remember, they

don't like pronouns,

they will expect biscuits,

and thank f*ck the model's already

booked because it's the only

This is the only bit of tit

they have seen since 1996.

Hiya there.

HE GRUNTS

OK, all the best!

TYRES SCREECH, THUMP

Oh

Is it a bit young?

It's fabulous!

Look at those pins!

DOOR OPENS Ant.

Tell me the truth. Am I

mutton dressed as lamb?

You're mutton

dressed as something.

Don't mind Oedipus

here. You look fab!

Finbar'll be jizzing

in his little Y's.

Sorry, you are?

Oh, this is Billy. My

sponsor. Slash stylist.

q*eer eye to get

Ma the ride, wha'?

OK CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY

Are we going for lunch?

Cos I only have the hour.

Oh Billy's gonna join.

Cool.

Have we met before? You

look kind of familiar.

Listen, honey, full disclosure.

When I was on the lash, I rode

half of Dublin in full blackout.

Could've given you a suck,

wouldn't have a f*ck.

Gone are them days,

wha'? HE CHUCKLES.

Aw. Isn't he brilliant?

Here you go, cappuccino

for the man. Thanks.

Thank you. How you feeling?

Er, good, yeah. Feel fine.

Yeah. And how's the the back?

I always had a bit of

a twinge, you know.

Nothing to do with the

It's only a little bump, you

know. No big deal. I'm fine.

Looking forward to

going back out there.

Listen, Tom. You've been

here a while, right?

A good while, yeah.

I'll work till I'm dead.

But obviously, like, with

this, er accident

It was a bump.

But we have to be

careful cos insurance.

All that jazz.

Davy said you'd a crash on

the motorway, few years back.

What? No!

Oh erm, my daughter was

It-it It was nothing.

Look, Tom.

You're old school.

And we respect that! We do.

Customers love you, you've

got great relationships

But, erm, this is a business.

We've got targets now,

and you're Slow.

Slower. And maybe not

safe on the roads.

Nobody wants to retire.

Well, except me.

At 40, when I'm a millionaire.

You beat me to it!

HE CHUCKLES Yeah.

Obviously, we'll

need the van back.

It was so weird, Karen.

The way he just

He made me feel like I'd I'd

crossed a line or something.

Maybe you did. What?

No. No. He was definitely

about to come in, and then

Your inner addict wanted

instant gratification.

You have told him

you're a drunk, right?

Well I mean

No. Not yet.

I thought we agreed! THUD.

Radical honesty if you're

gonna start dating.

It hasn't come up! He

barely drinks himself.

Well, that's a

bit f*ck' weird.

Well, he's always working late

or, you know, opening early.

Which is a bit weird for

Oh, my God, do you

think he's married?

No.

Then he's just totally

repulsed by me,

and now, he's texting

me to finish it,

and I'm gonna be rejected, and

I knew this was gonna happen.

I knew! I shouldn't have

You're doing that thing

again. 'What thing?'

'Letting another man unhinge ya.

'Are you there? Shiv?'

Jesus Christ.

'What? Is it a

man?' I have to go.

LOUD THUDS Shiv?

Oi, Shiv, wait up!

Hey, what are you

doing? Hi, Jack.

Do you know how long I've been

trying to get hold of you?

I've been texting, calling

I changed my number.

Oh. I just thought you

were back in London.

No. I didn't go back to

I have to go. What?!

We've nothing to say

to each other, Jack.

Wait.

You didn't change

your number cos of me?

I, er, I BABY STARTS CRYING.

You should deal with that.

Hey! Hey

Hey, it's OK. Hey, hey. It's

OK. Look, whoa Shiv?!

SHE EXHALES SHARPLY

Oh, f*ck!

It's like she's had a

full frontal lobotomy.

You mean a frontal-lobe lobotomy?

Like, you can't get five minutes

with her anymore

without f*ck-off Finbar

or Billy blowing

smoke up her arse.

Like, who even is

Billy? She seems happy.

MOBILE VIBRATES

It's all her fault.

Hi, Shiv, you've broken Mum.

What? Would I Would I

have to be totally naked?

How much?

HE SNORTS See ya later.

Nah, anyway, can't,

meeting Max's pals,

who only ever talk about law.

Sorry. Er, her model cancelled.

Maxie! Hi!

MAX GASPS

Heard you're on the O'Brien

case. Can't wait to hear.

Yeah.

Right, I'm off.

All set?

Erm, Bibi Thanks

for doing this, Shiv,

cos if I f*ck up one more

time, Dearbhla's gonna fire me,

and I'm saving for a kitten.

No worries.

And think, if this goes well, maybe

they'll give you more teaching

and you won't have to be a

shitty receptionist forever.

Jesus, no.

Whoo-hoo, we're here!

Aunty Ag? Uncle Joe?

What are you What

are you doing here?

We've been coming to

this class for two years.

You're not the only artist

in this family, you know.

Where's Shelley?

I'm teaching tonight.

You? With your history?

What history?

We're supposed to be doing a

life-drawing class tonight.

We've been looking

forward to this all term.

It'd be a terrible shame if

you were to disappoint us now,

the way you've disappointed

your family your whole life.

Wouldn't it?

Well, it's a good thing I

won't be disappointing you

because we are doing

life-drawing tonight.

Where's the model?

DIALLING TONE

'Hiya, it's Karen.

Leave a message.'

Shiv.

I need a massive favour.

So, what happened to the van?

Well Oh, the engine, er, cut

out when I was doing deliveries.

Had to get it towed.

But they'll get you a

replacement? Yeah. Yeah.

Might have to wait a few weeks.

Jesus, you'll go crazy.

Yeah, I know. Ask Mum

to borrow the car.

What? Ah, no. Why?

She doesn't need it, except for

driving to f*cking meetings.

No, I I don't

want to bother her.

Is that Rory?

Oh, yeah. Well, at least he's

getting out of the house.

Who's that with him?

Probably just a running

buddy from the track.

Right.

CAR HORN

Er, it's green, love.

CAR BEEPS It's green!

CAR BEEPS AGAIN Oh, right. Yeah.

OK. So, welcome to the class.

I'm Shiv, I'll be teaching.

This is Alex. He'll

be modelling.

If I'd known it was

gonna be a bloke,

I would have watched

the football.

ALEX CHUCKLES

If you just wanna

ALEX CLEARS THROAT.

Oh. Ooh.

S So, er, for this class, we

won't get into too much detail.

We're simply looking at shape

Very nice.

And er, proportion.

Generous, I'd say. Very.

He's not a piece of meat, OK?

Let's just show some respect!

Alex is a friend

of mine, and a person,

who has very kindly

agreed to model for us,

so let's all just be mindful

of making him feel comfortable,

and safe and not pressurised.

Let's just all respect

his boundaries.

So, he's not a professional

model? No. Not full time. No.

What do you do the rest of the time?

I work in the restaurant sector.

Yes, he manages The Pony

Cafe around the corner.

Owns. Owns? I own The Pony Cafe.

Oh! I didn't I didn't know.

And the Longwood in Portobello.

Oh, I didn't realise you

I heard that's very good.

And The Lobster Pot in

Stoneybatter. The Lobster Pot?!

Didn't that get a

Michelin star? Yeah.

You own three restaurants.

AUNTY AG: Very enterprising.

How well do you know this fella?

I had a lovely red snapper at the

Longwood only a few weeks ago.

OK! OK, let's just

get back to the

Point here is to capture

the important things.

Light and shade, c*ck

position, perspective

THEY CHUCKLE

Co composition.

Just do your best, everyone, OK?

And I'll be here if

anyone needs any help.

MAN: Think you're

the one who needs it.

Well done, Shiv.

That's a well-stocked

man you've found there.

Thanks, Uncle Joe.

I'm so sorry.

No, look, it's nice to have

an appreciative audience.

And, let's face it,

you've been trying to take

my clothes off since day one.

Er, speaking of trying to

get your clothes off

HE CHUCKLES

did I do something last

night to make you feel

I just thought we were

having a good time and

We were having a good time.

Did you just not want to?

HE SIGHS

Can I make you dinner?

So, Ant, how's work? Good, yeah.

Really, really good. We're

impressed you even have a job.

THEY CHUCKLE

Hm? He doesn't mean you.

It's just that Max's

other boyfriends were

What?

He loves a fixer-upper,

put it that way.

A fixer-upper? He has this

thing for broken birds.

You know, guys with no

direction, or ambition or

Cash. And Maxie's

such a catch

Mm. It's why it always

goes t*ts up, you know?

They're never at his level.

Except for you!

God, yeah, you're

like a total step up.

Right? Mm. Yep.

What's wrong with

you? THEY LAUGH.

MAX: Look who I met at the bar.

This is Mikail, he

works at my gym.

Annie, Ryan, my boyfriend,

Ant. MIKAIL: Nice to meet you.

I can't believe you own

three restaurants

HE CHUCKLES

What, did you think I was

just some sexy barista?

Kind of, yeah.

HE CLEARS THROA

Why didn't you tell me?

I kind of felt you were

holding something back.

And I couldn't

figure it out, so

I guess I started

holding back, too.

I dunno.

I'm sober. Like Like, now?

As in, I-I used to drink. A lot.

I have a problem.

And I go to meetings

and I have a sponsor,

and not drinking is basically the

most important thing in my life.

Oh, and I've made some really

f*cked-up choices in relationships.

And even though I'm

not drinking anymore,

I I still feel that

addicty part of me, you know,

just moving too fast or

wanting instant gratification,

or being totally,

totally inappropriate

Shiv which, if I was, by

the way, the other night,

I'm I'm really sorry.

Look, I've I've

You know, I haven't dated anyone

in, like, a really long time,

and no-one as nice as you.

And I just think it's Shiv.

Very important that we're

honest with each other.

So, if you're, like

If you've gone off me,

or if you're not really into

this anymore, or if, like,

what I'm saying is, like,

way too f*ck' Shiv.

Mm-hm. I appreciate

you telling me.

Oh.

And, look, I've my

own baggage too, OK?

I mean, my family

Nightmare.

Well, you've met my

Aunty Ag, so Yeah.

Think she liked me. Yeah.

My old lad's been in and out

of jail a couple of times.

And, erm

I've had some trust

stuff in the past.

People that were close to

me, letting me down. Mm.

I like you.

I like you, too.

And instead of just

jumping into bed

and ripping each other's

clothes off, which

I do wanna do, by the way

HE CHUCKLES

I thought maybe we'd just

get to know each other first,

and build something proper.

So long as that's something

that you're interested in.

Oh, yeah. I'd be definitely

be Yeah, I Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, it was so easy

Just to fall in love

But it's a whole different

story Just to stay in love

Oh, was he tall

And was he handsome

Was he a breath

of fresh air ♪

Blowjob?

Charming and enticing

She could take you

Out of here

Cos you're young And you're

full of joy in your steps

And no-one's gonna tell

you What's coming next ♪

HE SIGHS

Well, it was so easy ♪

Well, look at you! ♪

Just to fall in love

But it's a whole different

story Just to stay in love

So come home, stay

here Tell me what to do

Oh, go home and stay there

Would you tell me what to do?

Oh, come home and stay here

Tell me what to do

Oh, go home and stay there

Tell me what I should do ♪

ALEX CHUCKLES

What about health

and safety? f*ck it.

Still taking it slow?

Absolutely.

That it feels like that

Oh, if it's so easy

I'll throw it back to you

And if it's so easy, yeah

I still don't know what to do

Oh, it's so damn

difficult To ask how you are

It was so damn difficult

To know who you were

Are you fickle,

are you bitter?

Look for something knew

Are you tired, are you sickened

That you could not see it through?