01x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

So

What time's the party?

Oh, they'll be started early.

Hoping relatives

die off by nine.

Free food? Fat chance.

Vultures.

I err, I texted Caroline.

I'm not sure if she's

upset with me for

She understands.

I could always pop in.

My flight's not until

No need, honestly.

It's her engagement party.

Ah, she'll be hammered.

She won't even notice.

Will you be okay here on those?

I have Ant.

And me.

Main thing is you

look after yourself.

You're happy in London.

Right. I've a few

bits to do, so

I've put a little

bit into your account

just till you're

back on your feet.

I'll pay you back.

Ah.

I won't walk you out.

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

She's better off.

Absolutely. Totally.

Much better off.

Mmm.

Can I make anyone a cup of tea?

And where would you do that?

Nowhere.

You look good.

I mean you always do,

you jammy b*stard.

Remember that time you went

straight to Aunty

Ag's birthday party

from an all-nighter and

all she could talk about

was how handsome you looked?

And she said I looked fat.

I miss you.

I miss you every day.

No, sorry! It's way too nice.

I'll swap you for,

oh, Saint Anthony,

courtesy of Granny.

She was a total piss

head, by the way!

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

You're not allowed

to lie on graves.

Why?

[JAUNTY MUSIC]

I'm not sure about this.

Is it the font, or?

No, about tonight.

The sex thing.

I thought you wanted to.

I do want to. It's just it

can't be anyone we know.

But we've invited

everyone we know.

Rory, it's our first time!

It should be special!

I know!

We should never see them again!

No.

Okay.

[JAUNTY MUSIC]

Banner looks great.

[DOOR BELL CHIMES]

Ah. I just came to drop this.

Hmm.

Most women like flowers.

Should I have brought flowers?

What are you doing here?

You're not answering my calls.

I told you.

I don't want a

serious relationship.

I don't want a serious

relationship either!

You said you were in love

and you moved into my flat.

Okay, that was a bit

But can we not just go

back to how it was before?

You changed my life, Mina.

You healed me.

I am an acupuncturist.

It's what I do.

But I don't want to have to

help people all of the time.

Tom, you're a nice man.

We have nice sex.

But you have too much baggage.

No, I don't!

I mean, I did I think maybe.

But, I mean, now

Sorry, carry on.

It's too complicated.

It doesn't have to be.

It can be meaningless.

It can just be

meaningless, casual sex.

And you'd be happy with this?

Yes.

Are you sure? Absolutely.

Can it mean a little bit?

[JAUNTY MUSIC]

Karen?

Jesus! You frightened

the shite out of me!

Are you trying the dresses on?

I can't f*cking sell them

if I don't know what

they're like on.

What is it like on?

Does it make me arse look huge?

I'm going back to London.

I just came to say goodbye.

What's in the bottle?

Water.

Oh. Can I have a swig?

No.

I f*cking knew it.

I knew it.

Okay, look.

There's a meeting in an hour.

I'll change and we can

I'm not going to

a meeting drunk.

I went to all my meetings drunk

for the first two years.

Just came to say goodbye.

Do you think that's a good idea?

Everyone else does.

What about your recovery?

I've been drinking all week.

Glass of wine here, vodka there.

Didn't binge. No

one even noticed.

Ah, yeah. You just

have to manage it.

Except you can't

because you're a

f*cking alcoholic!

Maybe it was just a phase.

Says the girl with the

gin in the water bottle.

Vodka, actually.

It's one day at

time for a reason.

You fell off the wagon today.

It's okay.

You get back up and you

start again tomorrow.

You don't get to wipe the slate

and start again

whenever it suits.

Some things you

don't get to do over.

By the way, I didn't

do my moral inventory.

Because it s bullshit!

This is your mask, Shiv.

This is how you face the

world because you're scared.

It's not the real you.

No of fence, Karen,

you don't know the real me.

You're a weirdo

that I met in a room

full of weirdos.

In real life we'd

never even be friends.

And yes, that dress does

make your arse look huge.

You look f*cking ridiculous.

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

I need a pen.

What is that, a novel, or?

Moral inventory.

Are you a high-functioning

alcoholic?

I'm a low-functioning alcoholic.

I'm a CEO.

I wouldn't trust me with

the keys to a padlock,

never mind a

multinational corporation,

but, hey.

I'm missing my sister's

engagement party.

You can't miss your

sister s engagement party.

It's family.

My family don't like me.

They don't get a choice.

PLAYFUL MUSIC

I'm going to that party.

Yes, you are!

I'm gonna be the best

f*cking guest there!

Yes, you f*cking are! Yep.

Yeah! Mm-hmm.

Mmm. You go, girl.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You go.

I should probably

call my sponsor.

She's much better off in London.

Yeah.

Rory, you want to

take things slow

but you've brought me to

a room full of relatives.

It's a free bar. Come on.

Would you like a drink?

You know, she was

drinking the whole time?

No.

I found gin bottle

stashed under the bed.

Little ones.

Like the ones that

I bought Mammy?

- What?

- [GLASS CLINKING]

If I could just have

everyone's attention

for a moment.

I just want to say a few words.

When two young people

decide to tie the knot,

it's always a happy occasion.

What about her? She's pretty.

That's my cousin Tara.

It serves as a

reminder to us all

that love and friendship

and loyalty still

do have a place in our world.

What about the waiters?

Or the waiter?

Look, he's a ride.

Oh, he smiled at me.

And I can't think of two

people more committed

to one another than

Rory and Caroline.

We'd be doing a threesome, yeah?

So now

If you're comfortable with that.

Yeah. Totally.

If you could all please

raise your glasses

to the happy couple to be.

[ALL] To the happy

couple to be! (CHEERING)

Will I ask him?

I thought you were on a plane.

Ah.

Well, well.

Look what the cat dragged

in on its way to London.

Suppose you lost

another job, did you?

No.

But I did f*ck my

boss's boyfriend.

CHOKES ON DRINK

Oh, close your

mouth, you old cow!

So, you are drinking?

Don't tell Mum, Aunty Rita.

I'm in the bad books.

Still no man, Shiv, no?

Not really, Uncle Joe, no.

Still an alcoholic?

Nah.

Where's Kirsten? Kristen?

Inside.

Do you wanna f*ck?

Have you been drinking?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Jesus, Shiv.

Sober Shiv Sheridan was never

really gonna work, was it?

Look, I'm sorry about last week.

My head was all over the place.

I miss you.

And I was thinking that

if you're going

back to London now

if Kristen's here, maybe

we could work something out,

you know?

Thought you had a

family to think about?

I'm an artist, Shiv.

I can't live some

conventional life.

And neither can you.

We're different.

And the more

successful you become,

you need people around

you who don't bullshit.

You always tell me the truth.

You want the truth?

Always.

I was in love with you.

For years and years it was you.

Because we have this thing.

It's big and it's messy.

It's deep.

I never understood why we

couldn't just be in a

normal relationship,

where you couldn't just

commit, and now I get it.

I get it.

It's because you're

a selfish prick,

and a mediocre artist.

Sorry, truth.

Truth, ahem.

Is that Shiv?

Oh Jesus!

Hello, hi! [LAUGHS]

Hi. Can you all hear me?

[ALL] Yes! [CHEERING]

She's not gonna make a speech!

I would like to make

a speech! [CHEERING]

[KISSING SOUNDS]

Oh, Shiv's making a speech.

Shiv's here? Yeah,

and she is locked.

Oh, f*ck! Mm-hmm.

There they are!

The happy couple!

[CROWD CHEERING]

They've been together

since school.

Now, I know, I know

what you're thinking

f*cking boring. [LAUGHTER]

But you're wrong. They're

an amazing couple.

I mean, they can tell

each other anything,

you know, no matter how awkward

you know, no matter how

awkward or humiliating.

Or humiliating.

You know, Rory,

I've so much respect for

what you've been through.

[APPLAUSE] Yeah, I have.

Does she seem drunk?

Tom! Do something!

What?

Mum and Dad! [AWWING

AND CHEERING]

They don't like

me making speeches

because they're worried

I'm going to do

something embarrassing.

So

Let's get that out of the way.

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

Oh, my god.

[CHEERING] & ]WHOOPING]

Oh, my Jesus.

[SHIV:] Whoo!

See, I'm tired of bullshitting.

I'm an alcoholic and.

I'm drunk.

And this is my moral inventory

where you write down

all the shitty things

you've ever done and

then you tell someone

like a confession.

And then, then you recover, ha!

[LAUGHS] As if!

I mean, what does that

even mean, recovery, like?

Like how are you

supposed to recover,

you know,

from life?

How do you recover from

your husband telling you

after 40 years that

he's met a reflexologist

and he's in love with her?

Or how do you recover when your

girlfriend bones a consultant

and then proposes

to you out of guilt?

What?

How do you recover

from being r*ped

or molested or,

or losing a kid?

I can't listen to this.

Or finding your brother,

who you love more than anything

in the whole world

dead?

Dead in his bed because

he didn't want to

be here one more day.

You know, I think,

given the circumstances

that we are all in,

is it any wonder we

reach for a drink?

Or a reflexologist, you know?

And then we just

keep on reaching,

keep on reaching and reaching

and I have destroyed my life.

My mother's angry with me.

She wants me to disappear,

go back to London, not

be her problem anymore.

I really don't blame her,

because I'd like

to disappear too.

I'd like to get

away from me too.

I'd really like to forget

every single disgusting thing

that's in that book that I did.

I did it, it makes

my skin crawl.

I really want to get

away from me too.

And that's why I drink.

But I was sober for six months.

I don't have a man

and I don't have

a job and I'm 35

and I slept with a

pregnant woman's boyfriend.

But I didn't reach for a drink

for a whole six months

and, well, that's

something, huh?

[SNIFFS] So, I just

wanted to say

What was it I wanted to say?

Oh yeah, ha!

Happy anniversary! [CROWD GASPS]

Shiv.

Shiv, come on love. Come on.

Oh.

Cover her up.

Come on.

Too much for a first date?

Rory, you coming?

Is it true?

What Shiv said?

For god's sake,

Rory, she's hammered.

You wanted to sleep

with other people too.

Yeah, but I told you.

Rory.

Rory!

[VAN DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

What the f*ck?

Jesus, what a night.

Were we terrible parents?

We were parents, Bernie.

We did our best.

And Pam.

Pam! Jesus!

You were right.

I need a drink.

I need a f*cking drink.

[GLASSES CLINK]

We'll wait here.

God, it's depressing, isn't it?

KAREN Howareyis?

Right, yis all know the drill.

We'll start with a reading,

open the floor for

shares, blah, blah, blah.

You going to take a seat?

I see we have some

old faces here today,

along with some newcomers.

First one's always the

hardest. So, well done.

Right, let's get this

show on the road.