02x03 - You Can Heaux Your Own Way, b*tch

[bunniefuu]

[pop music playing]

[Peppermint] Hey! Thank
you so much to everyone

for coming out to celebrate
our engagement. [chuckles]

Ugh, and y'all know that I
have kissed a lot of frogs.

- Oh.
- And maybe even a couple of toads.

But I am...

I am so happy to have
finally found my prince.

Well, I would say that,
uh... I found my princess,

but y'all know damn well
that she is a queen.

[Marley] Aw! Yeah!

Whoo!

Listen, I really
wanna f*ck a frog.

Like, I had a prince,
but maybe I need a frog.

I need to f*ck frogs. Is there
a frog farm I should know about?

What are you saying?

You know, I had, like, a
little college h* phase

back in the dizay, but does
going to Señor Frog's two times

and hookin' up with the same Dominican
bartender that you didn't tip

really count as a h* phase?

No. Nah, bruh, but for someone who
talks about sex as much as you do,

you should be gettin' some.

What he said, honey.

You need to stick a d*ck in
your mouth. They wanna be there.

That is not what I said.

- That's what you were trying to say.
- [Khalil] Mm-kay.

Hey, Khalil, you should
help me 'cause you're a h*!

Oh! Why... Bring that
down. What you doing?

That was a secret?
Everybody knows you're a h*.

- They don't know... I'm not a h*.
- It's h*-kay with her.

[Khalil] I'm not a h*.
Why you saying that?

Hey, real quick,

y'all ever been, like, sad,
but, like, nothing is wrong?

All right, Khalil, let's
rapid-fire style these feels, okay?

All right. Let's go.

Have you been sensitive
to criticism lately?

- I always been like this.
- Do you have trouble experiencing joy?

Joy? What is that?

Khalil, sounds like
you need a therapist.

[scoffs] A therapist?
A therapist.

Okay, and where would I procure
somethin' like that, okay?

It's gonna be all right, y'all.

Oh. Khalil.

Why didn't you tell us you
were feeling so bad, babe?

I did tell you by
not telling you.

Oh my God, you're so man.

Mavis is right about a therapist

because Anita, she helped me with
all my control and anger issues.

Wait. I am so sorry.
Just one minute.

Aren't you and Daphne in competition
to see who can plan the better date?

And if Daphne wins, you
literally said, and I quote,

"I'mma blow up all
five boroughs." Right?

That's not aggression,
Mavis. That is romance.

Y'all don't know how to play.

I've been through therapy.
You've met my mom, okay?

You need a therapist. I
met your mom. [chuckles]

I can help you find a therapist.

I could be your
therapist sensei.

And you are a h*.

- You could be my h* shaman.
- I like this.

- Let's go.
- [Khalil] Let's go.

[funky beat playing]

♪ Okay One time for the
big girls in the crowd ♪

♪ Hey! Hear me now ♪

♪ Go on, sis, yeah Show
'em how to work it out ♪

[Mavis] Trust me on this. Never
be attracted to your therapist.

Yeah, nope.

[Khalil] Uh, trust me on this.
You'll know if it's right or wrong.

Absolutely the f*ck not.

[Mavis] You gotta let your guard
down. Everything is not a conspiracy.

How do you think your
dad could've been better?

You ask a lot of questions
for somebody I don't know.

You wearin' a wire?

[Khalil] And keep your guard up. Just
'cause they're good in the streets...

You, um...

you look like you could break some
sh*t and fix it at the same time.

Wow. Never heard that before.

- You haven't?
- Nah.

[Khalil] ...does not mean
they're good in the sheets.

Ooh, you feel so familiar.

- Feel like my ex-wife.
- Oh. Okay.

Except for she couldn't bend over
this long. She had arthritis.

That's a great story.

- Yeah...
- Yeah. Yeah. You half white, right?

No, my mom's half white.

Tell that white side to take a
break until we find this rhythm.

Sure. Yeah, you just have a big ol'
Juneteenth party in my p*ssy right now.

- There we go.
- Okay, there we go.

That's it.

Oh, it's... awesome.

♪ I brought you
these flowers... ♪

I mean, this is a nice place. Too
bad I've been here before though.

But it's... it's... it's cool
though. You tried. You tried.

I'm glad I let you plan the first
date. I mean, mine will be much better.

The night is still
early, Marley.

Wait a minute. This wasn't
here when I was here.

[Daphne chuckles] Yes, it was.

Except it can only
be accessed by VIPs.

Thank you.

- All right. For the drink.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh my God.

This is exactly how I like
it. Two olives, extra dirty.

- Mm-hmm.
- God damn it.

- How the hell did you know?
- I have my ways.

[sighs]

I am delighted

and pissed off at the same time.

- [both chuckle]
- Well, cheers to that.

[Mavis] Mm!

I tell you I've been struggling
trying to find a good therapist?

Mm-mm.

I need to find somebody that
speaks my language, like me.

Yeah.

Last person I talked to
asked me if I was comfortable

meeting at a train
station at night...

- Mm-mm!
- ...on LSD...

- No!
- ...so she could conjure up my ancestors.

[both] f*ck no!

- What?
- Are you insane?

She gotta be insane.

- She crazy.
- Wild.

I mean... What's her
name? I need a therapist.

I'm just kidding. Please
don't do that, ever.

'Cause it sounds like it's gonna
be directed by Jordan Peele,

and you about to be a
Netflix documentary.

- That part.
- You know?

Oh, wait. Hold on. Wait. So
how's... how's your journey?

Oh, you mean my sexual
Jurnee Smollett?

Zat is the one.

Ah, mais oui.

Um... Honestly,
very unfulfilling.

- Mm.
- Harder than I thought.

Yelp review is giving
three out of five stars.

- Not that bad.
- For real.

Bad review for everyone.

I mean, I think it's really hard

having someone get to know
your body in just one night.

Or somebody try to fix
your life in just a hour.

- Wow. That part.
- Mm.

Why don't you ask one
of your male friends?

A dude. A homey.

You know? Them boys.

- That's hilarious. You ever...
- What?

...talked to... Like, you can't just
talk to a man about your feelings.

Not talking about our feelings
is how we remain friends.

- That's part of the game.
- Oh sh*t.

- Oh sh*t.
- Oh sh*t. We gotta go.

- We gotta go?
- We gotta go.

Look, that guy. That guy over there.
Oh my God. We gotta go. We gots to go.

I'm too high. I don't know
if I got legs right now.

Khalil! Let's go!

- Move out the way!
- [squeals]

My best friend's a h*!

[rock music playing]

[music stops]

We've reviewed the expenses to
identify the areas where we can cut...

All right, everybody,
shut the f*ck up.

I need to know who has a client
with some top-shelf access

to some important sh*t. I have
a date, and I need pitches.

Uh... Is she a side
chick or a main chick?

Potential main.

I know a guy who can get
you in to see Hamilton.

- Boom.
- Nah... It ain't no boom.

I'm embarrassed that you
thought that was a good idea.

All right, guys,
listen the f*ck up.

I date like a rich white man.
Don't leave out any entitlement.

Let me know what
the f*ck is good.

["BRAND NEW" by The
Pocket Queen playing]

♪ Da-da da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da da-da-da, da-da... ♪

♪ I feel brand new ♪

♪ Like summertime in June ♪

♪ Like roses that have
come in bloom... ♪

- Oh no, Mavis.
- What's up?

- No.
- What do you mean, no?

- Not here. Not like this.
- You know how hard it's been, okay?

And he was here last night,
so, you know... it's familiar.

Mavis, for this, you have to be Simone
motherfuckin' Biles to stick this landing.

That is not nice. You
know I have shin splints.

[sighs] I'm just sayin'.

Don't he look like he just
know how to put it down,

pick it back up again,
put it back down again,

maybe flip it a little bit?

How would I know that?

This is compliments of
the hot guy at the bar.

- What hot guy at the bar?
- Hold on.

- [laughs]
- Oh, stop it.

You're so silly.

No, no. Mavis.

Stop with the cherry. No,
get your tongue out of there.

What are you doing?
Put your tongue away.

- It's so wet!
- Oh my God.

- [laughs]
- ♪ I feel brand new... ♪

You like that?

[Mavis] Oh God!

- Oh!
- ♪ Like roses that have come in bloom ♪

It's snowin', but it's tasty.

Hey, Mavis.

Oh, hey. Bonjour. I made
you some lemon bars.

Oh, I'm on my way out. This didn't
seem like a breakfast situation.

Um... No, this is not a
breakfast situationship.

Just a thank-you for last night.

That was wonderful and wild
and wet and other W words.

I mean, you really just pressed
every button on the control board

like you had been there before.

- Well, that's what I do.
- We should do it again.

- For sure. Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.

- [Mavis] Oh!
- [both laugh]

- I'll see you soon.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Bye.

Yummy.

[man] Where you going?

- What you got?
- [man] Take that. Take that. There it is.

Oh God. You on your back
more than a Kardashian.

- What's wrong with you?
- Ain't no flopping in pickup, brah.

- You all right though?
- Look.

I don't know how to ask
you all this, but...

I think...

I... I think I might need...

- Money?
- Fake passport.

- A good lawyer.
- n*gga, no. What are y'all talking...

No, n*gga. I need a...

- [mumbled] I need a therapist.
- What now?

[softly] A therapist.

- A therapist, n*gga! A therapist.
- Hell yeah. I'm in therapy, dog.

- Word?
- Yeah.

Me too, man.

Y'all two n*gg*s been in therapy,
emoting and sh*t behind my back?

And I'm a whole-a*s licensed
therapist, so there's that.

Hold on, if you a therapist,
how you fouling so much?

That's called
setting boundaries.

Something you would understand
if you went to therapy.

Brah, it's all good.
You can use mine.

Erica? Man, she uses all the big words
like "trauma" and "generational."

And what's the other
one? Oh, "inner child."

Did you know there's a
little n*gga inside you?

- What?
- Your eight-year-old self is inside you.

There's a little
n*gga inside of me?

- That's right.
- Unhealed.

Well... fam, if y'all can hook
me up, man, I need a plug.

I got you.

I mean, it might be a little
weird if you saw my girl Erica.

You definitely would be better
with a Black male therapist anyway.

He means with your
particular set of issues.

What do you mean, my issues?
My particular... What kinda...

- No, he said...
- Trigger. Trigger. Trigger.

[Daphne] I love the Brooklyn
Museum, but it's closed now.

[Marley] Not for us, and I flew
food in from San Francisco.

And wait until you taste the
Dungeness crab dumplings.

- Okay.
- Oh!

[clacks]

What the fu...

Um... [laughs nervously]

[inhales sharply] Gi...
Give me a second, okay?

[softly] Oh my God.

Ted. Hey, I'm... I'm stuck
outside. Where's your f*cking guy?

What? What f*ck' emergency?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

You better pick a
spot on your body

because I'm gonna rip
you a new as*h*le.

Not where there's already a hole,
you f*ck' as*h*le! Damn it!

[chuckles] Minor
snag. [chuckles]

No, Khalil, but the sex was amazing, okay?
There's no way that sh*t was one-sided.

And I texted him, "u up?" all lowercase
a few days later, and he didn't reply?

What's up with that? Not even three
dots. Honestly, what the f*ck is that?

I hate to tell you this, but
you got ghosted. Yes, you did.

You got ghosted at the place
where we like to eat and drink

and hang out and be merry.

- Khalil?
- Yes.

I saw the whites of this man's eyes.
I just saw his Adam's apple all night.

He even put his... his tongue between
my toes like a overpriced pedicure.

Time out. I can't
hear that no more.

- What, my bunion?
- It's a lot.

The point is, we are gonna
figure out what happened.

- We?
- Yes, we.

I mighta been ghosted
by his rizz or whatever,

but, honey, I'm a zombie, and
now I'm back from the dead!

- ["Bounce It Biggity Bounce It" playing]
- I don't think that's how you use rizz.

♪ Biggity-biggity-biggity
Bounce it ♪

♪ Drop, give me 50, girl
Give me what you got ♪

♪ Girl, drop give me 50,
girl Give me what you got ♪

♪ Bounce, biggity bounce it
Shake, biggity, shake it... ♪

- Hey.
- Hey. Can I get you a drink?

Can you get me a drink?

You're not gonna even acknowledge
that you didn't reply to my text?

- And I will have a beer.
- Oh boy. I knew it. Damn.

Oh boy, you knew what?
Wha... Wha... Wha... Wha...

What did you know exactly?

That you're trying to get
wifed up. Lock me down.

Excuse me?

That I'm trying to get wifed up? I
texted you, "u up?" all lowercase.

Is that not international for "You
wanna f*ck tonight?" Is it not?

You can text whatever you want, but
you was giving brown-sugar vibes.

Yo, I hate to intervene 'cause
I don't wanna be involved,

but my best friend is
just trying to be a h*.

Thank you so much, Khalil.

She baked me lemon
bars from scratch, bro.

- Tell me you didn't do that.
- You can't buy those over the counter.

They're disgusting. You welcome.

Even put it in Tupperware she
obviously wanted me to bring back.

- The good kind with the red top?
- Exactly. I know she had foil.

- Mavis.
- Excuse me?

Wife you? Oh, baby!

The only aisle I'm walking down is
at Walgreens to get more condoms

for the big d*ck I be
pullin' in every week.

That's right.

I'm getting dicked down with the coupon,
you low-budget Terence Trent D'Arby.

Are you serious?

And to think, I showed
you a little kindness

and used my good European
butter on your a*s,

and you think you're the
catch of the century?

Who told you that?

- 'Cause they lied, b*tch.
- Oh Lord.

I mean, I just want
to get dicked down.

It's my right to
get dicked down.

- Exactly.
- You better preach.

[Mavis] So you can f*ck off.

[patrons] Ooh!

["Get it Got it" by
Adi Oasis playing]

This hit the spot perfectly.

I got it from my favorite
Puerto Rican spot.

And I'm really glad
you liked it, Daphne.

I really wanted to impress you.

It's been a long time since I
felt like impressing anyone.

- I called your office.
- You... You did what?

I wanted to know how
you like your martinis,

so I called your assistant,
and when he wouldn't tell me,

threatened him with
the government thing.

[laughs]

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Hmm.

I don't know if I'm more turned
on by the fact that you did that

or that I get a chance
to fire someone tomorrow.

How does it feel
to kiss a winner?

How do you know you won?

You didn't get to first
base on your date.

Need I remind you, we're
having dinner on some steps.

- Come here.
- Mm.

♪ I know you came
here for something ♪

♪ I don’t like
makin' assumptions ♪

- ♪ But I can tell ♪
- ♪ Oh, I can tell ♪

♪ Speak on it right
now while you can ♪

♪ 'Cause closed
lips don’t get fed ♪

[song fades out]

Let me start by saying thank you

for giving me the
opportunity to listen to you.

You know, therapy is still
taboo in our community,

so major props for
coming in, really.

So what brings you in today?

My best friend... uh...
thought I should see someone.

- I'm not enjoying stuff like I used to.
- Like what?

Like, I usually have a very,
very healthy appetite for sex,

but... I don't,

and... like, it's
not satisfying.

I even had a...

a foursome not too long ago,
and... I wasn't feeling it.

That ain't never
happened to me before.

Well, there's no need for you to be
so hard on yourself. It's unnecessary.

Tell me what's been going
on that's different lately.

I guess I'm hurt.

Just broke up with my girl.

And that's done.

You know, ain't gonna
happen with that now, but...

And I also don't wanna go back
to doing what I was doing.

So you're saying you're unable
to use your old coping mechanism,

which is sex.

- Exactly.
- And how does that make you feel?

I don't know if I got the words for it.
If I gotta throw something out there,

I guess it'd be... lost.

Good.

See, it's really important
to acknowledge where you are.

You see, as Black men, we
taught to bury our feelings.

I'm talking about we bury 'em deeper
than the Mob buried Jimmy Hoffa. [laughs]

You know, it's crazy. I know somebody
that knows where he buried for real.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

Everybody thinks it's in the Meadowlands,
but that don't make no sense.

Uh-uh.

I mean, why would the
Mob k*ll him in Detroit

and bring him all
the way back...

- To Jersey.
- [chuckles]

So it feels like, for you, that
women are the tip of the iceberg.

[Khalil] Hmm.

I'm gonna give you an exercise
that'll help you get your feelings out

and also allow you to
acknowledge where you're at

because that's the
main thing here.

Yeah, word.

I ain't never been this
happy to talk to a stranger.

Hey, we all we got, brother.

Real talk.

I don't get it. Why is hoing
so difficult? This is crazy.

Like, how are single people
supposed to get their needs met?

You think I made you run from women
on the subway for quick cardio?

Damn.

I mean, man, I'm telling you, it
is hard in these single streets.

It is. It's very
hard. It's like...

- Real talk, it's wild.
- Crazy.

And sometimes, people aren't
honest, or they're too honest.

And sometimes, people like you more
than you like them, or vice versa.

Ooh, ooh, or sometimes, you just
want someone to... to chill with.

- Yes.
- And just...

I mean, and not put a name
on it or a label on it.

- I know.
- Because you just...

You don't know
'em like that yet.

I know. Why can't we do that?

Sometimes, you just want some
company, and they start talking sh*t.

- Mm-hmm.
- No wonder you're like this.

Khalil, I am so sorry I ever
judged you for bein' a h*.

I mean, all I can
say is thank you for

seein' a different
side, you know.

Khalil.

My God. What's goin'
on? Are you okay?

Yeah, I ju... It's
just my... my...

[clears throat] My therapist,
I found a good one,

said that I, you know, need
to acknowledge where I'm at,

and so I should just
let my feelings go.

And now you got my
f*ck' floodgates open.

So... [sniffles] Mm.

It's okay. Let it out.

I cry all the time.

Yeah, I know, but
that's your thing.

[sighs] Oh my God. Um...

- Thank you for always being there.
- Of course.

I'll always be here.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

We're gonna be okay.

But don't tell nobody I'm
tearin' up and sh*t, okay?

Oh my God. I won't tell anybody.

Especially Marley.
She'll never respect you.

[both chuckle]

["Rock wit U [Awww Baby]"
by Ashanti playing]

[Irv Gotti] ♪ Yeah,
m*rder Inc m*rder Inc ♪

[Ashanti] ♪ I wanna
love you, babe ♪

[Irv Gotti] ♪ Let's rock ♪

- [Ashanti] ♪ Can you rock with me?
- ♪ Awww, baby ♪

♪ Nonstop with me ♪

♪ Can you take it to
the top with me? ♪

- ♪ I just wanna love you, baby ♪
- ♪ Love you, babe ♪

- ♪ Always thinkin' of you, baby ♪
- ♪ I'm thinkin' of you, babe ♪

- ♪ Can you roll with me? ♪
- ♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ All over me ♪

♪ Can you take control of me? ♪

♪ I just wanna love you, baby ♪

♪ Always thinkin' of you, baby ♪

♪ I think I like How your
body feels next to me ♪

- ♪ Awww, baby, when you're kissing me... ♪
- [Mavis] Holy sh*t!

- [vibrator buzzing]
- What?!

What?!

What?

♪ Awww, baby, when
you come to me... ♪

♪ She'll be comin' round
the mountain When she... ♪

[squealing] ♪ ...Comes! ♪

- [Ashanti] ♪ Nonstop with me ♪
- ♪ Stop with me ♪

♪ Can you take it to
the top with me? ♪

- ♪ I just wanna love you, baby ♪
- ♪ Love you, babe ♪

- ♪ Always thinkin' of you, baby ♪
- ♪ I'm thinkin' of you, babe ♪

- ♪ Can you roll with me? ♪
- ♪ Ooh, baby ♪

- ♪ All over me ♪
- ♪ Over me ♪

♪ Can you take control of me? ♪

- ♪ I just wanna love you, baby ♪
- ♪ Love you, babe ♪

♪ Always thinkin' of you, baby ♪

♪ See, I don't know if I can
handle you As just a friend ♪

♪ Awww, baby, yeah,
I can't pretend ♪

♪ Awww, baby, I'm so far in ♪

♪ But I don't mind As long as
I could have you in my life ♪

♪ Awww, baby, I'm satisfied ♪

♪ Even if you're not just mine ♪

- ♪ Can you rock with me?
- ♪ Awww, baby ♪

♪ Nonstop with me ♪

- ♪ Oh no ♪
- ♪ Can you take it to the top with me? ♪

- ♪ I just wanna love you, baby ♪
- ♪ I wanna love you, babe ♪

- ♪ Always thinkin' of you, baby ♪
- ♪ Thinkin' of you ♪

- ♪ Can you roll with me? ♪
- ♪ Ooh, baby ♪

- ♪ All over me ♪
- ♪ Over me ♪

♪ Can you take control of me? ♪

- ♪ I just wanna love you, baby ♪
- ♪ Love you ♪

♪ Always thinkin' of you, baby ♪