02x12 - La Petite Mort

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Californication...

I think we should
go into business together.

To be honest,
I'm interviewing for jobs in New York.

How do you two know each other?

- Hank is the father.
- Alleged father.

I'll raise the child and I'll love it as my own.

Oh, my God.
Look, look, look, Damien and Becca.

Because isn't that the Becca right there?

Oh. Bec!

- I don't want to do any more porn.
- Really?

I'd kind of like the last person
I had on-screen sex with to be you.

All right, Marcy.
After all the sh*t we've been through,

I want to get a divorce.
I'm gonna be with Daisy.

You f*cked my man.

Marcy, I didn't mean...

- She's here.
- She who?

"She who"?
Janie, you as*h*le!

Come on!

- (Snorts)
- What?

Lew. sh*t, Lew.

Lew! Lew!

Lew?

♪ Shadows are falling
and I'm running out of breath

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while

(Typewriter clacking)

♪ If I leave you,
it doesn't mean I love you any less

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while

♪ When you get up in the morning
and you see that crazy sun

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while

♪ There's a train leaving nightly
called "When all is said and done"

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while

♪ Sha-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while... ♪

(Laughs)

You got yourself
a bit of a ritual there, huh?

Yep.

Every time I finish a book -
whiskey, weed, and Warren Zevon.

It's the little things.

- Yeah. How'd it turn out?
- Hard to say.

You'd know better than I.
You lived the m*therf*cker.

Yeah, but living it right means
you don't remember much of it at all.

You can read all about it here.
Your dirty life and times.

What's next?

I suppose I try to get my life
back in order in some fashion.

Yeah, you...

You do that.

Remember, at the end of the day...

it's all about her.

- Who?
- You know.

I'll miss seeing you around here, man.

Gonna miss you too.

And it's true what they say, you know.

You got one hell of a band.

♪ The wheels keep turning,
but they're runnin' out of steam

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while ♪

(♪ The Animals: It's My Life)

♪ It's a hard world to get a break in

♪ All the good things have been taken

♪ But girl, there are ways... ♪

What up, buttercup?

I just thought I'd pay my last respects

before I hit the road.

- Where you headed?
- Didn't you get the memo?

I'm taking f*cking & Punching
all over this fair country of ours.

Coming soon to
a supersized bookstore near you.

- Mothers, lock up your sons.
- And husbands.

I'm gonna miss him...

way more than I thought.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

At first, f*cking him was...

was just a way of yanking your chain.

Really? You don't say?

Yeah, but then he just had to win me over,
you know?

Like some sweet, mangy little puppy

who just wanted someone to pet him
and tell him he was a good boy.

- Then he'd sh*t the rug.
- Or hump your leg.

Where's your first stop?

- Uh... Borders in Tacoma.
- Know it.

There's a great coffee shop down the street.

Around the block,
there's this old record store,

sells used vinyl, tons of it, fantastic.

Great! Old guy's guide to Tacoma.
Good to know.

Well, just be gentle
with our Ret*rded love child.

I will.

Be good out there, psycho.

Tell 'em who sent you.

♪ I ain't no saint

♪ No complaints

♪ And baby
♪ Baby

(Phone rings)

♪ It's my life and I'll do what I want ♪

Well, if it isn't the madre of my bambino.

What's shakin', sweet duck?

- I got a job.
- A good job?

A great job.
I mean, my dream job.

Wow. Way to go, fancy pants.

Yeah. It's, um...

- It's in New York.
- Even better.

- Right. I start Monday.
- No time like the present.

Oh, my God. You're taking this
much better than I thought.

Why shouldn't I? I've been trying
to get back to New York for years now.

- Hank.
- Karen.

I got a job.

You got a job.
That's what you just said.

- Not you.
- No. Not... I'm not following.

No, you're not following.
I mean, you're not invited.

That is f*cked up.

Well, this is not about you or us, OK?
This is about me and Becca.

But you can't just whisk her away

and expect me to sit here in LA
with a dry thumb up my a*s.

Well, you know what? You do have
some serious sh*t to deal with here.

Karen, I can write anywhere...

or not, as the case may be,
which is not the case.

I just finished the Ashby book.
This morning, as a matter of fact.

- Honey, I'm on fire...
- Good.

...which is why we should be together,

or at the very least,
why I should be your manny.

(Laughs)

- You laugh?
- My manny?

You're a high-powered career gal now.
You need somebody to hold down the fort.

- Right.
- A major-domo.

- Thank you.
- I'm your man, woman.

I'm not talking about
your writing or lack thereof, OK?

I was talking about the impending arrival
of your latest mistake. Did you forget?

Sir Francis Drake said he was
raising the little b*stard as his own.

- What the f*ck?
- You heard the bearded woman.

- You're OK with that?
- I'm not entirely convinced it's mine.

I never came inside her.

I don't think I did.
I mean, when she broncoed me,

- I spasmed out a little dog water.
- Thank you.

I'm still hoping she banged some dude
in the PF Chang's parking lot

while she was looking for Mr Goodbar.
It's an entirely plausible scenario.

There is something wrong with you.

Well, I'm special.
I think I'm special. I really do.

What does Jeff Becca think about
you tearing our family apart?

- Well, right now, she's heartbroken.
- Of course she's heartbroken.

- You rip her away from her old man...
- It's not about you.

That sh*t is harsh!

- She's heartbroken about Damien.
- What about Damien?

Well, she saw him making out
with someone else at Mia's party, so...

(Tyres screech, horn beeps)

Welcome to All American Burger.
May I take your order?

Can I get a jumbo
"What the f*ck were you thinking?"

That's the problem, I wasn't thinking.

I mean, she f*cking kissed me, dude.

That kind of sh*t
just doesn't just happen to me a lot...

like ever.

Yo.

Be that as it may, on the flip side,

what I've got is a young girl
whose heart is broken.

Yeah, I know.

I know, and I feel
all sorts of awful about it.

But, you know,
I've been thinking about it,

and given the opportunity to do it again,

I don't think it would go any differently,
honestly.

I mean,
a beautiful girl is kind enough to kiss you...

f*ck, you kiss her right back.

Because...

you know, who knows
where that kiss is gonna take you?

I went there to kick his a*s,
and I stayed to soak up his wisdom.

They know more than we do, the children.
We forget.

Which is why we end up
in these f*cked-up situations.

Yeah. Selling BMWs in the Valley?
What the f*ck, dude?

Don't kid yourself, pal.
I always was.

Selling writers, actors, directors...
it's all the same sh*t.

- Have you talked to the Marce?
- Through the lawyers.

She's a little feral right now,
wants to take me for all I'm worth.

Oh, no. All four figures?

I don't even care, really.
I just want to be happy, you know.

That's all that matters now, the big happy.

Pimping rides, living in a studio apartment
in the Valley with a porno chick.

Hey, hey, hey. Retired porno chick.

She's taking some Groundlings classes.
She's really quite funny.

I am sure
she's a deep-throating Lucille Ball.

Bully for her, but what about you?

Does this work for you,
give you the big happy?

More than you know, pal.
I feel like I'm 23 again.

You know, life is simple.

It's good. Money's a little tight, you know.

I'm gonna have to use
the office Xerox to copy your manuscript.

I'm so happy I stayed with you.

Me too. Good for us.
We're making sh*t happen.

Let's go, Runkle.
You got to be on that sales floor at all times.

ABC, baby,
"Always Be Closing."

Yes, sir!

"ABC, baby, 'Always Be Closing"'.
These f*cking guys...

They all think they're the only one
who ever saw Glengarry Glen Ross.

Hey, if you want,
I'll take you out back and sh**t you.

I will let you know.

That number, my friend, puts you
in a beautiful '07 convertible with navigation.

Oh, you're good.

How we doing over here?
Chuck Runkle.

Nice to meet you.

There goes my agent.

I'm sick to my stomach.

It's gonna get better. I promise.

- Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't.
- Well...

- Either way, Dad, words don't help.
- Yeah.

I suddenly understand the appeal
of cigarettes and alcohol.

Here's an idea,
why don't you hang behind with me

and nurse your broken heart?

We could smoke some cigarettes,
pass the bottle, listen to some blues.

It'll be fun.

- Hank, that is very manipulative.
- No! It's not. It's not manipulative.

- Dad...
- It's a suggestion.

I'm going with Mom.
I need a change of scenery.

I don't want to be driving down the street

and be reminded of all the places
we kissed.

"All the places"?

What kind of an operation
are you running here?

- What the hell?
- (Phone rings)

Hey, no, don't answer that. It's rude.

- No, it's Sonja. It could be important.
- Well, really don't answer it.

- No! It's around the due date, right?
- Voicemail, that's what it's for.

No, no. Excuse me, sweetie.

Hey, Sonja.

You are?

Drugs! I want some f*cking drugs!

(Groans) f*ck! Can't you hippies
make this sh*t stop?

Breathe, Mommy.

- It's all about transcending...
- f*ck you, you stupid f*cking doula!

- Hey.
- Oh, God. Hey. Hi, guys.

Thanks.
Thanks for coming.

By the way, Hank, f*ck you
for putting this monster in my stomach.

I'm not entirely sure it's mine.
There will be genetic tests.

Do not be an as*h*le!

You're right. Let's get the little f*ck
out first, then we're gonna test.

Oh, hey, look at you.
Look who showed up.

I'm back. The man's back.

- Have you been drinking?
- Just a little tequila for the pain.

You bearded f*cking lunatic.
Who do you think you are?

You're stressed out?
You need a drink?

- Shh.
- You know what? Don't come near me.

I'll rip his handlebars...
right off your f*cking face!

- I'll do it. f*cking drunk.
- You got to get your sh*t together.

It's time to stand up and extract
that little artist within. Come on.

- I'm just a fraud, Hank.
- I know, but it's time to stand up.

- No.
- Take the dress off already.

Oh, stop.

- I am. (Sobs)
- Don't. Don't.

No, actually, that's good. That's good.

You march over there with those tears,
and tell her they're tears of joy, OK?

- Yeah?
- She will swoon. Trust me. Go.

- OK.
- You go.

- Thank you.
- Yes, you're welcome.

You're beautiful.

Just go.
No, you got to go alone.

OK, I'm just gonna...

What the f*ck, Julian?

- I'm crying.
- Are you crying?

- Yeah.
- What the f*ck?

I'm the one f*cking pushing out
a g*dd*mn bowling ball out of my p*ssy,

my sweet, beautiful p*ssy
that is never gonna look the same again!

- I should be crying!
- You are.

I did have a pretty p*ssy, didn't I, Hank?

Oh, my God, yes.
I mean, a beautiful p*ssy.

- I would put it in the Top 10 of pussies.
- (Sobbing) I love your p*ssy, too.

You know, no disrespect to yours.

Karen, number-one p*ssy in the world,

- with a b*llet. (Whistles)
- f*ck you.

Lover!

You home?

Oh, yeah.

(Daisy) Charlie.

(Marcy) Oh, sh*t.

I know that look. He's gonna blow.

(Ronny) Slow it down, Runkle.

(Charlie moans)

(Daisy) Forget it, Jake.
It's Vaginatown!

I know. That's the only way...

Charlie, what are you doing?

I'm sorry.

Can you just wait outside for a second?

Sure thing, babe.

I'm sorry, baby. I just...

I thought I was gonna be
by myself for a while, you know?

- Who's that?
- Just a guy from my Groundlings class.

- We were gonna work on a sketch.
- Oh.

OK. Wow. I'm really sorry. I just...
I thought I'd have a few minutes to myself.

It's OK. You know I'm totally fine
with you masturbating.

It's just kind of weird
when you bring somebody over.

I understand, and it's important
that we set these ground rules.

Gus?

Gus, this is my lover, Charlie.

Gus, Chuck Runkle.

Hey, Charlie.

Should we start?

Oh, f*ck.

- Here it comes.
- OK.

- f*ck.
- OK, it's time.

- Oh, yeah.
- Breathe, breathe.

- OK, go, Sonja. Go! Yes!
- (Sonja screams)

f*ck!

(Screams)

- Push. Push!
- (Retches)

Oh, my God!

Oh, look.

What the f*ck?

(Baby cries)

Boooooo-ya!

- Baby is black! Karen!
- It's wonderful.

The baby's black. You see that sh*t?
God damn it! I didn't knock her up.

- I know!
- I love you.

I love you.

Congratulations, Mommy.

Bathe the child and bring him to me.

I forgot about that f*cking barista.
He was so hot. He looked like Lenny Kravitz.

f*ck.

I said, bathe the infant and bring him to me.

Coming. Coming.

f*ck, I forgot.
I'm sorry, Hank.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

I will raise...

this black baby as my own.

Come here. Before you drop him,
you drunk, come here.

I will raise this black baby as my own.

As my own.

Yes.

He's beautiful. Congratulations.

- He looks like me.
- He doesn't look like you.

- Hey, lover.
- Hey!

(Gasps) Oh!

- How'd it go?
- Good.

I think it's gonna be really funny.

Good. Good.

I had sex with Gus.

- What?
- I got confused.

You got confused?
What the f*ck does that mean?

I've never done a scene like that before

and we got to the kissing part,
and I got all confused.

My autopilot kicked in
and I kissed him for real,

and the next thing you know,
he was inside me.

- That sounds like r*pe.
- No, not really...

Unless he wants to press charges.
It felt good. He had a really nice c*ck.

Jesus Christ, Daisy!

I'm sorry.
Does that make you feel bad?

Yeah, it makes me feel bad!
It makes me want to throw up!

- Do you want me to suck your d*ck?
- No!

Yes.

I don't know.
Now I'm confused.

See? This is confusing stuff!

Maybe we should take a break.

"Take a break"?
I just left my wife for you!

I didn't ask you to, Charlie!

I know!

It just...
seemed incredibly romantic at the time.

It was.

Maybe we should have some sex,
just f*ck through the pain.

OK.

OK, citizen, f*ck the Gus out of me.

(Both moan)

Why didn't you pinch me?

(Karen moans)

(Hank) Jesus! Woman!

- I'm tapping out.
- (Laughs)

You had me looking for
the f*cking rodeo clown.

Really?

Hey, you know what?
I think you should come to New York.

Well...

Why the change of heart?

I can't live without this.

I thought maybe it was cos
you wanted to make a black baby with me.

(They laugh)

- No, I just need a manny.
- I have excellent references.

Plus, my vag*na's become
really attached to you.

Not your heart? Just your vag?

Well, it's tough if you know the heart
and the vag are not on the same page.

But you know what?
In this instance, they are.

Well, that's terrific because I am all about
improving heart-vag relations, you know?

- It's my thing.
- So we're in sync.

Should we take advantage of that?

- Could we...
- Round two?

- Yeah.
- I'm answering the bell.

You got five minutes, Runkle.

You look beautiful.

That's right, m*therf*cker, I do.

I've always looked beautiful.

- That's true. You have.
- Then why the f*ck did you have to go

and stick your d*ck
into some skanky porno chick?

I don't know. I got confused.

You could've stayed with me.
You were number 19.

There were 18 c*ck before you, Charlie.

Not a ton, not a rogues' gallery,

but enough to know
that I liked yours the best.

Not the longest, not the thickest,

little bit of English on it,
but it was mine, all mine.

And now you and your c*ck
have betrayed me for the last time.

- Don't go, Marce.
- I'm already gone, baby.

I was gone the moment that you said
you wanted to be with Daisy.

You said it out loud!
You can't take it back.

Oh! And, uh...
your friend Ronny Praeger called.

He said something
about Intense Video wanting to...

(c*ck accent)
"Buy Vaginatown for a shitload of money."

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

That's good news.

Oh, hells yeah.
It's great news... for me.

What? You said I could have everything.

But don't worry your pretty little head
about it. We'll let my lawyer figure it out.

He's really good.

Later, Runkle.

Where's my iPod?
I can't find my f*cking iPod!

Bec...

- (Laughs)
- It's gonna be a long trip.

Yeah.

- Uh-oh!
- What?

Something pubescent this way comes.

OK, I know you hate me right now.

I do.

OK, but I figured
I'd hate myself even more if I didn't,

you know, at least say goodbye.

That's it?
That's the best you can do?

Here, I got you something.

I put a playlist on there.
Our playlist, the one we made out to...

- All 17 songs.
- What?

17 songs?

That's a lot of making out.

- Hank, could you shut up?
- He said 17 songs.

I still loathe you.

I know. I know.
And you have every right.

I do feel like I was unjustly seduced,
but I know that doesn't make it OK.

I just wish you weren't leaving cos...

cos I love you... Becca Moody.

You're like the only
post-punk, heavy-metal chick

who's ever truly rocked my world.

Is it OK if we go upstairs for a minute?

- Of course...
- No f*cking way.

No, no. You take it out on the strand
where there are people,

and I'm watching you,
eyes in the back of my head.

As always.

Hey, Damien. Well played.

Big ups.

You know,
that was a nice parental move.

I... Yeah.

I kind of...

I like the way you handled that sh*t.

That's right, m*therf*cker!

I feel kind of bad
splitting them up right now.

(Sighs)

- Well, then don't.
- What do you mean?

You go. I stay.

Are you crazy?

What, you think I'd leave Becca behind?

Well, I'm not gonna break her. I promise.

Well, hold on a second.
What about you?

I mean, you'd give up New York?

For her, yeah.

At the end of the day, it's all about her.

It's always been about her.

What happens between us,
I can't f*cking control.

Lord knows I've tried every which way.

But what I can do
is be the absolute best I can be for her.

If I followed you to New York,

I'd just be hoping against hope
that we lived happily ever after.

Maybe we do.
Maybe we don't.

But you got some sh*t you got to do, lady.

I think you should do it.

I'll hold down the fort.

Keep her off the pole.

(Laughs)

Oh, Jesus.

I wish you hadn't just said all that.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Cos, you know,
it just makes me love you even more.

Yeah, well...
that really can't be helped.

I am me, after all.

A quick one while they're away?

You're disgusting.

♪ Sometimes when you're doing
simple things around the house

♪ Maybe you'll think of me and smile

♪ You know I'm tied to you
like the buttons on your blouse

♪ Keep me in your heart for a while

♪ Hold me in your thoughts

♪ Take me to your dreams

♪ Touch me as I fall into view

♪ When the winter comes,
keep the fires lit

♪ And I will be right next to you

♪ La-la-la-la

♪ La-la-la-la, oh

♪ Keep me in your heart ♪

Look, just because
it's you and me now, alone,

doesn't mean I'm gonna
let you get away with stuff.

Good.

Cos I'm not gonna let you
get away with stuff either.

Oh, really?
What are you... what are you gonna do?

I'm not scared of you.

You're very diminutive,
and I know jujitsu.

- I can still kick your a*s.
- Yeah, at Guitar Hero, maybe.

- Ah.
- Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey, yourself.

- Is this your offspring?
- Yes, this is...

This is Becca, my daughter,

and this is...

This is surfer girl.

Hello, surfer girl.

It's Michelle.

- My name is Michelle.
- OK.

I'm gonna go check out that head shop.

I'll be watching.
Eyes in the back of my head.

- Head shop.
- Wow.

- Oh, boy.
- Cute kid.

She has her moments.

So, Michelle, huh?
That's... That's interesting.

- You're disappointed, aren't you?
- Well, I did kind of like not knowing.

It was cool
in a Last Tango In Paris kind of way.

I think you mythologise me
just a little too much.

- Oh.
- You know, I'm just a normal girl...

with normal wants and needs.

You know, I have been
around the block a time or two, lady,

- and there ain't nothing normal about you.
- Aw.

You're still the sweetest guy
I ever f*cked and robbed.

You know,
I'd like nothing more than to get high,

f*ck you goofy,
and indulge your larcenous tendencies,

but I have a serious child-raising...

problem here. Look at that.

I think she's looking for a bong.

(♪ California Dreamin')

And the dance continues.

So it does.

♪ All the leaves are brown
♪ All the leaves are brown

♪ And the sky is grey
♪ And the sky is grey...

- She seems nice.
- I don't know if "nice" is exactly the word.

Have you been intimate with her?

Why do you got to talk to me like that?

What? You're always up in my grill
about boys.

Well, and up in your grill
I always will be. Count on it.

Don't stop, OK?

Even if I curse your name
on a semi-daily basis.

I wouldn't dream of it.
That's the gig.

Hey...

Oh.

- What's this for?
- For staying.

You're stuck on the island now.
And you did it for me.

What are you talking about?
I like it here. It's nice.

The sun is chirping.
The birds are shining.

The water's wet.

Life is good, sweetheart.

Life is good.

♪ And the sky is grey

♪ And the sky
is grey

♪ I went for a walk
♪ I've been for a walk

♪ On a winter's day
♪ On a winter's day

♪ And if I didn't tell her
♪ If I didn't tell her

♪ I could leave today

♪ I could leave today
♪ I could leave today

♪ California dreamin'

♪ California
dreamin'

♪ On such a winter's day
♪ California dreamin'

♪ California dreamin'
♪ On such a winter's day

♪ California dreamin'

♪ On such a winter's day

♪ California dreamin' ♪