Blue m*rder (2026)

[bunniefuu]

(scream echos)

(thunder rumbles)

(ominous electronic music)

We say goodbye

(ominous electronic music)

(music fades)

Halloween.

Best day of the year.

Slept in my costume.

Makeup is done.

Looking hot as hell.

All my friends are hot as hell too, but...

Not quite as hot as me. (Chuckles)

Which is awesome.

I love my life.

(dramatic music) (blood spatters)

(ominous music)

(sighs) Bummer.

(dramatic music) (blood spatters)

(tense music)

Wake the hell up, Marcy.

It's Hallo

(music swells)

(Annie screams)

(ominous music) (Annie gasps)

Did I lock the door?

(dramatic music)

(both scream)

(tense music)

(Annie screams) (knife stabbing)

(dramatic music)

Annie, what the f*ck?

(ominous music)

(woman screams)

(suspenseful music)

(ominous music)

(woman screams)

(suspenseful music)

(footsteps clomping)

(door slamming)

(tense music)

(eerie electronic music)

(fist tapping)

(door squeaking)

Hello.

What happened to final girl?

Final girl always lives.

Right?

Always?

(dramatic music)

(woman gasps and screams)

(knife stabbing) (woman screams)

(ominous electronic music)

(blood spatters)

(ominous electronic music)

(woman screams) (blood spatters)

(ominous electronic music)

(blood spatters)

(ominous electronic music)

(blood spatters)

(woman screams)

(blood spatters)

(ominous electronic music)

(blood spatters)

(woman screams)

(ominous electronic music)

(ominous electronic music continues)

Do you remember

The way you used to be

Before surrender

By daydream fantasy

We lost our voice

There was no choice

But I was lying

We were close to home

[Dispatcher] Dr. Monroe, line 12?

That's your costume?

It is. You like it?

Yeah.

Blue, that is so you.

(chuckles) I love it.

Oh my God, I love it. I love it.

This is genius. (Laughs)

You look rad. I wish I thought of that.

You did.

Last year when we were

recovering at the diner,

you said, "You know what?

Next year for Halloween,

I'm gonna be a nurse.

But not just any nurse,

I'm gonna be a sexy nurse."

And I said, "Oh, I like

that, I'm gonna steal that."

And then you passed out. Here we are.

You little thief.

(Blue giggles)

You look rad too.

Oh. (Scoffs)

This is true.

Hey, check it out.

(solemn music plays)

The Lone Pine k*ller has been caught.

I repeat, the Lone Pine

k*ller has been caught.

Just moments ago, while attempting to flee

from another set of murders,

some good local Samaritans chased her down

and held her until police arrived.

We have a few of the

gentlemen here who helped.

Can you please tell us your

names and what happened?

Yeah, I'm Crackerjack and oh, snap.

You look like that chick,

Tricia Takasaki from the news.

I am Tricia Takasaki.

Say what? Are you sure?

Don't touch my face.

Oh, you can touch my face.

(hand slapping)

Anyways, so there we were out on the corner

standing there like every other day,

and we see this maniac

running down the street

covered in blood.

And so we thought let's

chase her in the record store.

Yeah, but she had gone to

Home Depot or maybe Lowe's,

and she got this sharpened piece of metal,

she sharpened it to a fine

point and she put a handle on it.

A knife?

A what? That was a knife?

[Tricia] Sounds dangerous.

It was. Hot Tubs got stabbed twice.

[Tricia] Oh my goodness!

You should go to the emergency room.

Oh, he's fine.

(Hot Tubs coughs)

It do sting a bit.

Anyways, me, Crazy Bob, Hot Tubs,

we go in that record store

and we get into a melee.

Collateral damage ensues.

- And then boom!

- Boom.

- Heroes.

- Heroes.

And you ruined my reggae section.

- Oh, you're welcome.

- You're welcome.

[Tricia] I'm sorry, did you

say your name was Hot Tubs?

I think so.

I'm going to Disneyland.

- Get outta here, Crazy Bob.

- The heck outta here.

Don't mind him. He's stupid.

He works at Barnes and Noble.

- (chuckles) Barnes and Noble.

Various insults. Various insults!

Various insults! (Both yelp)

He's throwing various insults at us.

(Crazy Bob laughs)

Get down, he's hurling various insults.

Disneyland,

Ignore him, he thinks

Jason Priestley's Canadian.

He is Canadian.

- What the f*ck?

- What the f*ck?

You can't say f*ck on the air.

You just did.

Anyways, the assailant was transferred

to a local hospital.

More details when they arise.

I will f*ck you up, Hot Tubs.

You promise?

Did I mention he was Canadian?

(scoffs) Well, I hope they

don't come here. (Laughs)

(suspenseful music)

Okay.

Okay, what have we got?

Dude, this chick got

all f*cked up and sh*t.

(laughs) It was pretty sick. I'm not gonna

Not you.

Multiple conditions, possible concussion.

Internal bleeding.

Total d*ck.

I heard that.

Oh yeah. Well, can you hear this?

Okay. Okay.

Hey, we-we'll take it from here.

Becca, you're with me.

Ooh yeah.

Alright. Pump your brakes.

I don't have any brakes.

You know what? On second thought, Milena.

f*ck yeah.

(Gertrude cackles)

Shut the f*ck up, scarecrow.

(cackling continues)

[Dispatcher] Dr. Zoidberg to the lab.

Er, did you guys...

Did you see my g*n anywhere?

(tense music)

No.

sh*t. Okay, um.

(tense music)

So, that's the Long Pine k*ller.

Yeah, that's what they're saying.

Fits the description too.

Think she got worked over pretty good.

Worked over? I heard she got f*cked up.

Nice costume by the way.

You like?

Who do we have here?

Oh, this? This is my trainee, Autumn.

Autumn?

Every day.

I like that accent. Where's it from?

Oh, she's from... New Jersey.

(chuckles) The garden state?

So many gardens. (Chuckles)

Are you two done yet?

Are we done?

No.

So why do they call you Blue?

- Oh.

- That's why.

I love blueberries.

It's my last one.

Okay. Okay. Playtime's over.

Time to say goodbye. Goodbye, Autumn.

Goodbye, Autumn.

You know, um, I'm off at midnight.

Probably gonna go to the

diner just down the road.

For breakfast or...

Whatever. (Chuckles)

Good to know.

Let's go, rookie. Play doctor later.

[Dispatcher] Doc

Brown to the parking lot.

(mellow music)

(music fades)

That was smooth.

Shut up.

Aha. "I love your accent." (laughs)

Hey, hello.

Could you get our new visitor's vitals?

And something to calm her down.

She tried to bite me.

Twice.

I thought you liked getting bitten.

Ooh.

[Dispatcher] Dr. Loomis

to patient Myers' room.

Was that smooth?

No. No, it wasn't.

(sighs) Goddam it.

(McNulty laughs)

What? You don't do that with that thing.

You put it in the

Oh, you do. This girl is crazy.

Mm, I read that issue.

It's, er, yeah, it's. (Clears throat)

It's, it's, it's cool, it's cool.

- [Blue] Mm-hm.

- Yeah, er.

Wait, are you, are you going in there?

Ugh. Yeah.

Hey.

(upbeat rock music)

We, b-be careful, champ.

Careful's my middle name.

(palm slapping)

Mine's Brian.

It's actually Charles.

I don't know why I... Yoink!

- Gimme that back.

- What?

I said nice, nice costume.

What costume?

[Dispatcher] Dr. Evil. Line four.

Can you, do you wanna slap me too?

She's gone.

(sinister music)

So...

Who do we have here?

I am the destroyer.

The ender of all, the master of darkness

and k*ller of all who are judged.

Hmm. Says here your name's Gertrude.

Don't ever call me that! (Screams)

Sorry, Gerty.

So, Long Pine k*ller, huh?

(tense music)

Another name I didn't choose.

Besides, I'm misunderstood.

I only k*ll people who deserve it.

Sorority girls, punk-a*s kids, Karens,

people who drive BMWs,

cheerleaders, pizza delivery boys.

Pizza delivery boys?

- [Gertrude] Clowns.

- Oh, I f*cking hate clowns.

Right?

Ugh.

(thunder rumbles)

Just in time for Halloween.

I hate thunder.

Why hate thunder? It's

the lightning that'll k*ll you.

Same difference.

When it's light outside like this too,

so cool.

(snorts) Blah.

[Blue] Okay, blah.

I have to take your vitals.

Are you gonna behave?

[Dispatcher]

Dr. Frankenstein to the morgue.

(tense music) (thunder cracks)

(ominous electronic

music) (electricity crackles)

(music fades)

[Dispatcher] Clean up on aisle seven.

Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey. I need your help.

I need your help. I need your help.

Hey, guys, hey.

Um, it's not my fault what

happened, not my fault at all,

but I need your help so could

Help! Come on! Let's

go. I need your help now.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

(ominous music)

[Doctor] And you're sure you're okay?

I'm fine.

What happened?

Okay, so then like th-this thing, like,

it came from the sky and it was like big

and it went "pwow."

And then like, you got hurt.

And then, um...

So it's like really big, you know.

Like there's a big sound before it.

- Right.

- And it's really, it's...

(cop vocalizes lightning)

You can do it. I believe in you.

God, what is it?

Oh, er, Thomas with, like, kite

Starts an L. Come on.

- (sighs) Lemon.

- No, no.

Lead poisoning.

What? No.

- Lightning. Lightning.

- There we are.

Lightning?

Yeah, it's like this really

cool light. Like what he said.

A-and it comes down from the sky. Yeah.

I know what lightning is.

Ooh. Wow.

- Okay. (Chuckles)

You know what lightning is?

- "I'm a doctor,

"I know what lightning is."

- Yeah.

Why don't you fix people?

We don't know what lighting is.

What?

I'm fine. I'm just...

I'm just a bit shaken up.

Well, then you need to

let someone take you home

so you can rest, Blue.

It's Halloween.

I'm not, I'm not gonna get any rest

with all the trick or

treaters and fireworks.

I'm just better off here.

Okay, but you should go grab an empty bed

and lay down for at least 30 minutes, okay?

I can cover for you. Doctor's orders.

[Blue] You're a nurse.

Nurse's orders. Okay?

Melaina.

On it.

(Blue groans)

[Dispatcher] Dr. Detroit,

call the nurse's station.

Well, this one's toast.

I love toast.

Actually, toast is terrible for you.

It's actually garbage.

It doesn't do anything for the body.

It's just full of empty carbs.

(sinister music) (Gertrude screams)

(tense music)

Oh my God. I just now

noticed her nose is pierced.

That is cool.

I'm a big fan of the toast myself but...

What are you guys? You don't like it?

[Dispatcher] Dr. Lector to surgery.

What? It's good.

(ominous music)

(hand patting) (ghostly voice whispers)

(ominous electronic music)

(dramatic music)

(ominous music)

(dramatic music)

(ominous music)

(door squeaks)

(ominous music)

What the f*ck?

(dramatic music)

(ominous electronic music)

(dramatic music)

(ominous electronic music)

(ghostly voice whispers) (music fades)

What the f*ck?

(Blue screams) (sinister music)

- (distorted voices chatter indistinctly)

- I gotta get outta here.

(ominous music)

[Dispatcher] Visiting hours are over.

Please get the f*ck out.

(ominous music)

(bell tolls)

(ominous music)

Oh no, you two.

Don't even think about

taking one step on my grass.

(raucous punk music) Punk rock girls

Gonna make you afraid

- Ooh!

Punk rock girls get outta the space

Punk rock girls

That's it. I'm calling the police.

What the sh*t?

The f*ck...

Is that?

It's a phone.

Who you gonna call?

Okay, what are your names?

I'm Nunya and this is Deez.

Deez what?

Deez nuts.

What?

(girls giggle)

- Face.

- Face.

What are your names?

(girls giggle)

They're pretty and cool

And think you are a fool

(punk music fades)

And you.

Do you live around here?

What's your address?

123 f*ck Off Lane.

How dare you?

I'm calling the police.

Beat it, Karen.

How do you know my name?

Lucky guess.

Punk rock girls

Getting in your face (Karen screams)

Punk rock girls get outta this space

Punk rock girls, they

rule the f*cking world

Punk rock girls, I

think they're gonna hurl

(swaggering rock music)

I said f*ck yo' mama, f*ck yo' mama

f*ck yo' mama then f*ck yo' mama

(music fades)

[DJ] That was LL Cool

Beans with "f*ck Yo' Mama."

This next dedication is from

the Sheriff's Department,

going out to that pizza delivery boy

who put pineapple on their pizza.

"We will find you, Kevin,

and we will k*ll you."

You can do this.

You can do this. You got

this. No reason to be nervous.

It's just your third new job this week.

That's...

That's normal, right?

God, why am I such a f*ck

up? Why am I talking to myself?

(hand slapping)

I needed that.

Let's go. Oh, pizza. Pizza.

(swaggering rock music)

I said f*ck yo' mama, f*ck yo' mama

f*ck yo' mama then f*ck yo' mama

I said f*ck yo' mama, f*ck

(doorbell rings)

(raucous rock music plays faintly)

Perry's Pizza.

[Blue] Be there in a moment.

(rock music continues faintly)

(ornament snaps) (dramatic music)

Oh sh*t! f*ck!

[Blue] Coming.

You've got this, Kevin.

(raucous rock music)

She, she's the talk She

Talk of the town

All the time in my back seat

She, she's the talk She

Talk of the town

Whoa.

(rock music crescendos)

Hey. (Chuckles)

Well, who do we have here?

I'm...

Er, I should know this, um.

Kevin.

Whoa.

(Blue chuckles)

How do you know?

Lucky guess.

So, do you have my extra sausage?

(ominous electronic music)

(gulps) Yeah.

(voice breaking) Sausage.

(clears throat) Sausage.

E-e-extra sausage, er.

That'll, er, that'll be 19.88.

(Blue gasps)

Ooh. (Chuckles)

I have one slight problem.

I don't have any money.

I-I-I-I, you know, I mean, I-I...

Maybe I could pay you some other way.

(sinister music)

(knife thuds)

(body thuds)

(sinister music)

This isn't even sausage.

(Blue screams)

(knife stabbing)

(ominous music)

(upbeat funk music)

I said please don't f*ck my mama

Or I will f*ck your mama

So please

Okay, girls.

Halloween party at the office tonight.

So we have two hours to get totally hot.

But we're already totally hot.

I know.

(all giggle)

- Pi.

- Delta.

- Pi.

- [All] Go!

Please don't f*ck my mama

[DJ] That was "Please Don't f*ck My Mama"

by MC Cheese Whizz.

Let's do this.

(slow pop music) Super hot

And we never lie

We'll hit the parties

and steal your guys

So do what we say or get out of our way

Say it loud and say it proud

Pi Delta Pi

"Oh, you're so short and fat."

"I wish I had your body."

I missed you guys.

(door squeaks)

But before we do

We gotta cheer for you

H-O-T

- (ornament snaps) (sinister music)

- Ugh.

Yo.

"Ooh, ah, I'm a monkey.

I'd like to lick my own butthole."

Acknowledge me.

Bunny?

(swaggering rock music)

She's got rhythm

Lets see her shake it

She's out there for all us to see

She's got moves

Man, she can groove

Just like those chicks on TV

Which way you looking

Hot-Blooded woman

Whichever one today

My heart keeps pounding

My eyes are wicked

Unless I watch 'em

dance again and again

That girl's long blond hair

The chick really knocks me out

(music fades)

Oh my God. Pizza. Are we having pizza?

No, we're having pizza.

You're still on probation, noob.

Now go slap yourself twice

and face the wall until I say otherwise.

(palms slapping)

Um, you're late.

Am I?

Yeah, the ad says

30 minutes or it's free.

Oh yeah.

What time did you order?

[All] 6:27.

Mm, and what time is it now?

[All] 7:57.

That's 30 minutes.

That's 90 minutes.

Yeah...

Kevin. (Sinister music)

Yeah, well, time is an illusion.

She's right.

And the moon is in retrograde.

Shut up, Kiki. We

are not paying for that.

Well, you're gonna

pay one way or another.

Who do you think you are?

Kevin. Duh.

(gasps) Do you guys

remember "Kevin" Kevin?

- Oh, the fine-a*s?

- He was so cute.

- He was so cute.

- Zip it, dip shits!

We are not dip shits.

Yeah, we're...

[All] Pi Delta Pi.

The apple of your eye.

Ah, sorority girls.

In that case, I'll talk a little slower.

Listen, I feel bad.

So why don't I just refund you your money

and we can all finish this pizza together.

[All] Yay.

I get the first slice.

(sinister music)

How about before we eat,

we all have a good old

fashioned pillow fight?

(girls gasp)

Okay.

[All] Yay.

(swaggering rock music)

(sinister music)

[All] Bummer.

(ominous electronic music)

Sorry. Every Pi for themselves.

(Pi groans)

I made out with Johnny.

(ominous electronic music)

[Bunny] Who's Johnny.

So, no pillow fight?

[Blue] Nope.

Oh, okay.

(sinister music)

(ominous electronic music)

(blood squirting)

(ominous electronic music)

(door squeaks)

(ominous electronic music)

(tense music)

(ominous electronic music)

(Blue whistles)

(lavatory flushes)

(heartbeat pounding)

(tense music)

(knife thudding) (dramatic music)

(ominous electronic music)

Did you miss me?

No.

(Bunny gasps) (knife slices)

(blood splashing)

(ominous electronic music) (door squeaks)

Hello?

Anybody in here?

(ominous electronic music)

Jesus.

Hm, Mr. Cuddle-bumps.

(squeaks) f*ck you.

Alright. You have two options.

You can either come out

or Mr. Cuddle-bumps gets it.

(tense music)

(ominous electronic music)

Hello.

(ominous electronic music)

(girls grunting) (fists smacking)

[Pi] f*ck you, b*tch.

No one gets a slice of this Pi.

(slow pop music) We are the girls

Of Pi Delta Pi

We're super hot

And we never lie

- f*ck me?

(sinister music) We'll hit the parties

And steal your guys

So do what we say or get out of our way

Say it loud and say it proud

At ease, soldier.

Pi Delta Pi

The apple of your eye

We're hot as hell

and we can't even spell

We like to cheer and yell

We'll probably go to hell

But before we do

We gotta cheer for you

Alright, one more delivery.

(engine struggles)

Nice car, Kevin.

(thunder rumbles)

(ominous electronic music)

(bell tolls)

(spooky festive music)

Christmas lights? What the f*ck?

Whoa. Got any pizza?

(festive music continues)

(shirt tearing)

Stupid-a*s f*cking...

Dumb-a*s f*cking stupid shirt.

(festive music continues)

Keep it. (Sinister music)

Wait, what the hell?

Wait up. What's the hurry?

(spooky festive music)

What's your name?

(book swishes) (cat meows)

Mine's Torrance.

The silent type, huh?

I can dig that. I got you. I got you.

Oh! Wanna go trick or treating?

My bestie Aria's grounded,

so I'm totally free.

Where are your parents?

My dad's asleep. My mom's dead.

Bummer? Yes, but she

still haunts this place.

If you look up at just the right time,

you might see her in the top floor window.

Cool, huh?

Okay, wait here, wait here.

I gotta go get my

costume. I'm gonna go get it.

Don't move. Don't move.

(spooky festive music)

(ominous music)

Yeah. f*ck this.

(spooky festive music)

Oh, what the fudge?

Wait up.

They're going to come to

town and spread a lot of fear

But when they get slapped

down, I think you're gonna cheer

(fast punk music)

'Cause they're frat dudes

Ruining your party

'cause they're frat dudes

Drinking your Bacardi

'cause they're frat dudes

They never say they're sorry

Looking good, Kurt.

Looking real good.

Your name is Kurt and you're looking good.

Alpha, Alpha, where

the hell's your beer

Alpha, Alpha, my

girlfriend likes to cheer

(sinister electronic music)

- Kiki?

What happened to you? Who did this?

Was it the Omegas?

Sexy.

Sexy? What?

Sexy.

Yeah, sexy. Totally sexy.

You look, you look fire, babe.

No, sexy pizza.

Oh yeah, I'm sorry.

No pizza for me. I'm trying

to stay cut and lean, you know.

You know what cut means, right?

I-I'd love to explain it to you.

(Kiki coughs)

Sexy pizza nurse.

(ominous music)

Nobody slices my Pi.

(Johnny laughs)

Johnny, gather the boys

and meet me at the Pi house.

[Johnny] Whoa.

Hang up.

(ominous music)

You look good.

No, you look good.

No, I look good.

Alright, let's all give

a moment of silence

for what we're about to do.

(dramatic music)

- Hey guys.

(ghosts gasp)

- Jeez, Butch.

I nearly pissed my pants.

I nearly pissed your pants.

(chuckles) You gotta

keep the troops on their toes.

Okay boys, I have gathered you here today

on the greatest of all days

to reign terror on this

unsuspecting little neighborhood.

If any of you do anything

less than maximum havoc,

then you'll have to spend

the night at the Romero House.

(sinister music) (ghostly voice screams)

Josh, you go find some, er,

unattended bowls of candy.

Petey, sweet, sweet Petey, come here,

Sir?

You go steal candy from

some dumb girls or something.

What if they're smart girls?

Then you're f*cked. Off you go.

Last but not least, my man Dex.

The Dexonator, the legend.

It's true. I am a legend.

Don't get c*ck.

Sorry, Butch.

Your job if you choose to accept it,

is to TP every tree on this neighborhood

starting with this one.

Consider it done, boss.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna do what I was born to do.

Smash the living sh*t outta

some damn pumpkins. Duh!

(both laugh)

Sorry.

(ominous piano music)

(ominous music)

(thunder rumbles)

(ominous music)

(sinister music)

(stoner rock music)

Smashing pumpkins is my game

B-U-T-C-H is my name

They call me Butch

Hello, beautiful.

I have the power!

(pumpkin smashing) (ominous music)

Butch.

Can I try?

Sure.

(head smacking) (sinister music)

Butch? (Scoffs)

More like b*tch.

(head smacking) (bone crunching)

(crunching continues) (sinister music)

(sinister music)

(ominous music)

Huh, works for me.

I can't count, suckers.

(ominous music)

(dramatic music) Watch it, grandma.

What did that sign say?

[Josh] Please take one.

Looks like you took a

whole lot more than one.

You think you deserve all that candy?

Er, yeah, Frankenhooker.

Yeah, I do too.

(sack smacking) (ba*ls crunching)

Oh, right in my Lucky Charms.

(upbeat hip-hop music) Slap that a*s

Then you slap that a*s

(sack thudding) You gotta slap that a*s

Then you slap that a*s, got it

(sack thudding) Now repeat after me

Slip and slap

Give that booty a little

tap (thudding continues)

Now don't get me wrong

(sinister music) It

ain't the end of the song

But one more slap might do

(ominous music)

No blueberry?

(ominous electronic music)

(ominous music)

Whoa, gnarly.

What's your diagnosis, rookie?

He got seriously f*cked up.

Agreed.

I don't know.

I mean, could just be

like allergic to pumpkin

or something like that.

What the hell are you

doing here, McNulty?

(laughs) What's up, man?

You're supposed to be at the hospital

babysitting the Lone Pine k*ller.

Oh, sh*t! No wait, no.

I'm good, she's dead.

So we're, no, we're good.

Dead?

Yeah, you know, she like...

She kicked the bucket so...

She went belly up.

She bought the farm.

She, er, she took that like

permanent vacation or whatever.

She f*cked the cupcake.

I know what dead means, McNulty.

- Oh.

- How?

Er, lightning came in.

(trills) Like that.

- f*ck off.

- Okay.

No, not you, numb-nuts. Get back here.

f*cked the cupcake. Really?

Yeah.

Alright, kids. What have you got?

Dead kid ready for a Ziploc?

Not 'til we make it official.

You heard him, rookie.

Totally neutralized.

Time of destruction, 8:27 PM.

I believe the official term

is "f*cked the cupcake."

Cause of death?

I don't know, man. He

was probably a teenager.

He probably jacked off too hard and died.

Eugh.

(woman screams) (Ford spits)

Jesus. What the f*ck was that?

McNulty, go check that out.

(laughing) Yeah. "Go check that out."

By myself? Yeah, okay.

But no, by myself for real though?

What the f*ck?

There's people that can

This is not a safe neighborhood.

- Would you check it out?

- Yeah. (Screams)

f*cking idiot.

(dramatic music)

- Oh Jesus Christ.

- What the f*ck?

(ominous music)

Is this like continental

or is this two ply stuff,

the cheap stuff, you know, like...?

(child screams)

- Holy sh*t! What the f*ck?

Should, should we help that girl?

That was McNulty?

(sinister music)

Oh God. What the f*ck? Hey. (Chuckles)

I like your...

You got like a little demon thing going on.

That's kind of...

It's cool. (Laughs)

I'm a succubus, numb-nuts.

I'm a suck? What?

Oh, I'm a Virgo.

(dramatic music) (group yelps)

It's a shame, isn't it?

Yep. Yep. Total shame.

Such a little, no, I

didn't really like him.

Throwing out a perfectly good white kid.

I think the term is h*nky.

Punk rock girls

Whatever, I'm gonna

go get full sized candy bars.

Okay.

Becky?

Becky, come on, come on.

Check it out. Geekos.

Oh rad.

Hey, I think there's a

haunted house around here.

No way.

Way.

Er, but we should count

our candy first and then

Punk rock girls getting in your face

[Both] Whoa.

What's up, little kitties?

Kicking a*s and taking names.

Making a k*lling.

What about you?

(sinister music)

Same. You guys got

anything blueberry in there?

[Becky] Er, just chocolate mostly.

Bummer.

(sinister music)

Well you have a good

night, and watch out.

Some dipshit a couple of houses down

was giving out apples.

And toothbrushes.

Total jerkwads, right?

Totally.

(footsteps receding)

(raucous punk music)

Did that b*tch have a knife?

[Becky] b*tches be bonkers.

You wanna get like a drink or something?

(swaggering rock music)

No? Okay. Alright. Cool. Cool.

I'll just call

Every time.

(upbeat punk music)

They want all your snacks

And step on all the cracks

Whoa.

We kicked butt this year.

Big time.

Let's sort it into three titles.

One for you,

one for me,

and one for our soul sister Ruby,

who sprained her ankle roller skating.

Oh, and save one piece

each for the Cat God.

May she watch over and protect us forever.

(sinister music)

Boo. (Laughs)

I get this. (Laughs)

(ominous music)

Run. Run.

Oh sh**t. Where am I?

Weren't you listening?

(Petey laughs)

Suckers

(body thudding)

(ominous music)

(knife swishing)

My turn.

(sinister music) (knife thuds)

(ominous music)

(footsteps huffling)

Oh, that's a...

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

You're good, right? Tell me.

Goddam it. Oh, okay.

(ominous music)

(McNulty coughs)

Right there.

Put that there.

Okay, no body, no paperwork.

- We're good. (Sirens approaching)

- Cops! sh*t!

[Blue] Shh.

(knife scraping) (sinister music)

No screaming.

Pick up the candy.

Well, we still have the apples

and toothbrushes and raisins.

Let's go kick that little punk's a*s.

Yeah.

You know, revenge is

a dish best served now.

[Both] She was listening.

(ominous music)

Can we go trick or treating now?

(sighs) Fine.

(tense music)

(Alphas gasp)

Alright, alright. Looking

good, brothers. Looking sharp.

And handsome. (Laughs)

Yeah.

- There you go.

- Yeah.

Johnny?

Present.

Jerry?

Present.

Jax?

Present.

And last and most certainly least, Jeff.

Oh, what the f*ck, man?

Shut the f*ck up, pledge.

Present I guess.

What are these costumes for anyway?

It's Halloween, dumb-a*s.

What are we supposed to be?

We're d*uche bags. Duh.

But we're already d*uche bags.

Yeah, but we're not just

any d*uche bags, d*uche bag.

We're eighties d*uche bags,

the greatest of all d*uche bags.

[Alphas] Whoa.

The mission, if you choose to accept,

find a sexy pizza nurse who

diced up three of our babes

and show her what's up.

[All] Yeah!

That's what I like to hear.

As is tradition, sitting in

front of you are two shots.

First, a shot of Hunky Steve's Bro Juice.

(pompous hair-metal music)

Hunky Steve's Bro Juice

Bro Ju-u-u-uice

The sourest, meanest,

bitchiest shot known to man.

Suck that puppy down and chase it

with the coolest, smoothest,

greatest shot known to man,

the Richard Grieco.

What's in it?

It's on a need to know basis, bro.

[Alphas] Whoa!

I'm gonna need to know, bro.

Cream soda and peppermint schnapps

rung through a sock

full of Sour Patch Kids.

But don't tell anyone.

Nice.

Down to hatch, brothers.

Let's power up!

(tense music)

Oh.

I can't see.

Oh sh*t. Me neither.

That's okay. That's just

the temporary blindness.

Just, it'll go away once

you down the Grieco.

(tense music)

Woo! Let's power up.

Come on, power up.

(chilled electronic music)

[All] Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!

Hoorah-rah!

(thunder rumbles)

(ominous electronic music)

(door squeaks)

(ominous electronic music)

(apple whooshes)

(ominous electronic music)

Oh, here, I got you one.

Thanks.

(fist pounding)

(door clunks and squeaks)

Oh, what do we have here?

Trick or treat.

Aren't you two a little

old to be trick or treating?

My friend is very old.

Yes, the cracks are definitely showing.

But she was held back a few

grades because of the accident.

Oh, heavens. What accident?

She was hit in the head by a coconut.

Or coconuts to be more specific.

Ow.

Coconut? Really?

Oh.

Oh, I guess it'll be alright.

And, er, I do love cats.

Meow. (Laughs)

Meow.

Meow. (Yelps) (Blue growls)

Okay. There you go.

Have a nice treat.

Seriously?

Yes. Now f*ck off.

(sinister music) (door slams)

Wait here.

(ominous electronic music)

(horror film plays on TV)

[Vampire On TV] And don't worry.

He won't die tonight. (Judith groans)

That's my sister's style, not mine.

Unless they ask for it. (Laughs)

You must be outta your head if you think

it'll be that easy to k*ll me.

[Vampire On TV] You AIs

need to learn to keep an eye

Ooh. (Laughs)

(glass breaks) (vampire on TV laughs)

(ominous electronic music)

Mr. Muffins?

You'd better not be on my dresser again.

(ominous electronic music)

(cat meows)

(Judith laughs)

I knew it was you, Mr. Muffins.

You had me scared there for a moment.

(sinister music) (Judith screams)

(suspenseful music)

(switch clicking)

(phone beeping)

(phone ringing)

(raucous metal music plays loudly)

- (phone ringing) (suspenseful music)

- (raucous metal music plays loudly)

Sweet cascades yours to play

Strive for more every day

(phone ringing) (suspenseful music)

Pure delight

(metal music stops)

Hello?

Holly?

Holly, it's Grandma.

Put your mom on the line.

No can do.

She went next door to

get more candy. What's up?

Someone's here.

Third time this week, huh?

What? No, no.

Th-this time it's real.

(suspenseful music)

The shower curtain grabbed me.

Did you forget to take your medication?

Or perhaps took a glass of wine or three?

Okay, I may have had a

few glasses of wine, but...

Just go check the bathroom.

I bet there's nothing there.

Watch some TV, maybe eat something,

and no more wines, plural or singular.

Bye-ee.

(raucous metal music plays)

(phone cuts off)

(Judith sighs)

That little sh*t.

(tense music)

I can do this.

(tense music)

(Judith whimpers)

(dramatic music)

(Judith laughs)

Hello? (Laughs)

Relax, Judith.

It's gonna be okay. (Chuckles)

No more wine. No more wine.

(thunder rumbles)

Maybe a quick catnap will help.

(cat meows)

Mr. Muffins, you're gonna

be the death of me. (Sighs)

(apple thuds) (ominous electronic music)

What the heck?

(apple thuds) Ow! Dang it!

What the f*ck?

(footsteps approaching)

(sinister music)

Not Mr. Muffins.

(toothbrushes stabbing)

(sinister music)

(toothbrushes stabbing)

(sinister music)

(toothbrushes slashing)

(head thudding)

(blood squirting)

Okay.

(footsteps receding)

Hey there, Mr. Muffins. You're free now.

(cat meows)

(ominous music)

Were those toothbrushes?

(chuckles) Now that's f*cked up. (Laughs)

(ominous music)

(door squeaks)

Now what?

Now we...

(ominous music)

Do you see that?

(thunder rumbles)

Oh my God. A clown.

I love clowns.

Yeah, you would.

Can we catch him?

(footsteps receding)

(sinister music)

(ominous electronic music)

Come on.

(ominous electronic pop music)

You've been restless

I can see in your eyes

Leave me breathless

I know what it implies

Under fire but there's ice in my veins

But there's ice in my veins

My desire, only static remains

Only static remains

So low

(sinister music)

(ominous music)

(dramatic music)

(ominous music)

(Gertrude roars) (Blue screams)

(ominous music) (Blue gasps)

(Blue groans)

That must have been some dream.

Black licorice?

Okay, okay. Jeez.

Candy corn?

Gag.

Are you sure?

Gag.

Okay.

Do you think there's a higher power?

Or is life an existential mystery

never to be grasped and comprehended

by us mere Earthlings?

(eyes squeak)

Did you know I can

name all seven continents?

Go for it.

Hawaii, Japan,

New Orleans.

Bloom and Onion?

Oh my God. Shut the f*ck up.

Yeah, the two of you.

All I can hear is you two

yammering on about God knows what!

It's not a f*cking slumber

party! This is my home!

I am a city bus driver, okay.

Do you have any idea the physical toll

that driving a city bus for

nine hours takes on one's loins?

These loins are cold!

They're ice cold and I

need to warm them up!

It's terrible!

And I just wanna sit and soak in my tub

and all I can hear is

Tweedledee and Tweedle-dipshit

talking about nonsense!

Get outta my property!

If I have to put my kimono

on again and come out here,

I swear to God you're both toast!

Toast!

f*ck!

(door squeaks)

(both laugh)

Wait here.

[Torrance] Where are you going?

Toast sounds really good right now.

[Torrance] What?

(door squeaks)

(gentle pop music plays faintly)

Tweedle-dipshit?

Which one am I?

I'm gonna enter you.

(ominous music)

Hm, oh, come on in here. Duckeroo Banzai.

Oh, and look who's joining us.

"Who the f*ck is that?"

What? Watch your mouth, Duckaroo.

That's our old friend, Bloodsucker Jones.

"But I'm afraid of black people."

"What, m*therf*cker?"

[Blue] Hello there.

Blueberry. Hell yeah.

You gotta understand that

th-they're more afraid of us

than we are of them.

"m*therf*cker, what you just say?"

(laughs) Oh, Bloodsucker Jones,

always calling me on my sh*t.

That's why it's good

to have a black friend.

And they're afraid of

water, don't forget that.

"What? Well, alright then,

Th-that's actually sometimes true."

You guys can be best friends if you just,

if you just remember that

the color of people's skin

only sort of matters. (Chuckles)

- (Blue gasps)

- (ominous music) (water sloshes)

Hello? I-is someone out there?

Mom?

Yank.

(ominous electronic music)

(footsteps clomping)

(ominous electronic music)

(kimono whooshes)

Do you remember

Oh no. Mr. Kimono,

you were almost paid off.

Mr. Kimono? (Sinister music)

Are you here for sex stuff?

"Oh damn."

What?

Toaster.

(electricity crackling)

(water sloshing)

(footsteps receding)

(ominous music)

Let's hit it, Topanga.

It's Torrance. (Phone chimes)

Oh crap. Curfew.

Gotta go.

[Blue] What? You're leaving?

But it was just about to get fun.

[Torrance] Aw, aren't you sweet?

Later, tater.

(ominous electronic pop music)

What the f*ck?

Topanga?

Tweedle-dipshit?

Okay.

Mean to you

(upbeat hip-hop music)

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo

Two honkys in the street

Got the rhythm, got the beat

Hot Tubs and Crackerjack

Gonna find where your mama at

They like to eat them burritos

And still kiss Cheetos

off the top of 'bello steak

All they eat enchidos

'Cause they Hot Tubs and Crackerjack

You gonna get your money back

(music fades)

Dude, do you remember

when you got stabbed?

Remember? Like it was yesterday.

It was this morning.

Oh sh*t. Street cred.

- Yeah!

- Woo. Boom.

Ha, I like street cred.

Everybody likes street cred.

(ominous music)

(Hot Tubs laughs)

Beat it, buckwheat.

Yeah, step off, h*nky.

- [Crackerjack] Oh sh*t.

- Oh my God.

We didn't know you was handsome.

What is your wish, sir?

Looking for the pizza nurse.

(laughs) That sh*t don't exist.

It is a myth.

Unless you watch Cinemax.

(laughs) Cinemax. He said Cinemax.

The f*ck is Cinemax?

[Both] Ouch.

I was told you two are the best.

We are the best.

You are the worst.

Climb back in your bimmar and beat off.

The hell did you just say to me?

[Hot Tubs] Yo, show some

respect to the Crackerjack.

(chilled hip-hop music)

(shirt rips)

[Both] Respect.

Did you see that sh*t?

That was nuts.

Oh, got something for you.

- Oh yeah.

- There you go, buddy.

Middle management, here I comes.

That's what dreams are made of, isn't it?

It is.

No sign of her.

- Here, bro.

- Thanks bro.

(raucous punk music) We are the Alphas

I think you know the rest

Hot bananas?

You know we are the tops

So please don't call the cops

Or think about drinking

our peppermint schnapps

Did you k*ll my girlfriend?

No way. Did you k*ll my girlfriend?

Not even.

Sure about that, Delta?

(ominous electronic music)

How'd you know?

(scoffs) I could smell the

Cheetos and Axe body spray.

(Jeff laughs)

Shut up, freshman.

(laughs) Stupid.

(ominous electronic music)

[Both] Whoa.

Well, if it isn't Chad Michael Chad.

Seventh year senior, class president,

water polo champion

and leader of the Deltas.

Let's waste this Caucasian.

We can't. (Hand slapping)

[Jeff] Why not?

Yeah, why can't we, little brother.

Whoa. Plot twist.

Don't call me that.

I'm 13 days older than you.

Yeah, but I'm taller

and my mom's way hotter.

(Alphas laugh)

Dude, take it back. You

know my mom's way hotter.

Relax, bro. You know I got your back.

Anytime, anywhere. Just

make the call and I'll be there.

Well, how about now?

We're on a nonstop epic adventure

to avenge Our super hot babes.

No. (Laughs)

(upbeat rock music)

Alright, let's split up.

Johnny, Jax, head that way.

Jared, Jeff, see if you

see anything down there.

I'm lone wolfing it tonight

to see if I see anything.

First one to find her

gets a sixer of Natty Ice.

[All] Yeah.

Hurry up, pledge.

Whoa.

Whoa. (Laughs)

Whoa.

(sinister music)

(both laugh)

This thing is rad, bro. (Laughs)

Focus, bro.

Alright. Right, bro.

Where is this chick?

Yeah, bro. Normally I'm

super good at scoping out chicks.

[Both] Yeah.

(hands slapping)

Alright. You go check down that way.

I'm gonna stay here and look good.

Yeah.

(ominous electronic music)

Hey, small people. Quick question.

Have you seen any pizza nurses?

What the f*ck is a pizza nurse?

I don't know. It's been a long night.

Hey, candy. Let me get some of that.

Oh sure. Well, how about you...

(knife swishes) Beat it, f*ck?

Whoa. Or what?

(leg swishing)

(Valerie speaks Spanish)

Oh sh*t. Spanish.

(Alpha whimpers) (girls giggle)

[Both] Toodles.

(sinister music)

(McNulty cackles)

It's a dead body. Alright, that's

What the f...?

Where did you get that

hat from? I have not

Would you get that thing outta my eyes?

Yeah. Sorry. I just

haven't seen that hat.

I shouldn't have

gotten you that flashlight.

Well, thank you either way.

What? Gross. (Chuckles)

That's some kind of sick sh*t.

[McNulty] Tacky.

Where's your g*n, McNulty?

Where's your...?

sh*t, where is my g*n?

Oh, wait, no, I think it's at, er...

Chuck E. Cheese.

You think?

What the hell were you

doing at Chuck E. Cheese?

You don't have any kids.

Well, you don't have

to have kids to go there.

(scoffs) I mean anyone

can go 'cause it's a great time

and it's for everyone.

So I go with some kids and it's great.

They got great pizza.

I know where my g*n

is. It is in the ball pit.

I'll just, I'll grab it when

we leave here. Chill out.

Well, it's about time.

Chill, bruh. We had to

stop and get some donuts.

As a cop you gotta respect that.

I do. I do respect that.

So did you bring some for all of us.

Oh, of course.

Got one for each of

you on the Death Mobile.

Got one for each of us.

None for him though. He's got diabetes.

No, I...

(scoffs) I don't, I swear.

That's just a rumor. I don't have diabetes.

I don't even know what

diabetes is so jokes on

(whispering) It's when

the pancreas stops working,

it secretes sugar into the bloodstream

and causes a heart attack and stroke.

I have diabetes.

(ominous music)

We gotta get out of this

neighborhood. It's rough.

We'll never find the

chick in a billion years.

Look, there she is.

How do you know?

We're looking for a sexy nurse, right?

If you've seen my browser history,

you would know if there's

one thing I'm an expert on,

it's sexy nurses.

And that, my brother, is one sexy nurse.

Plus, look at the hat.

[Both] Pizza.

(both laugh)

(ominous electronic music)

You got something to say?

(neck squeaks)

I'm thinking someone like

came through the back door,

maybe like a window,

and they were just like,

"What up, lady?"

Shut the f*ck up, McNulty.

Alright, you two know the

drill. What's the diagnosis?

Diagnosis? Dead.

Super dead.

Quit f*cking around,

Billy. Make it official.

- Holy sh*t.

- What?

She's dead.

Oh my God! No, wait. We knew that.

That is one f*cked cupcake.

Looks like you got a real serial k*ller

on your hands here, Chief.

It's Detective.

And let's leave the detecting

to the detectives, okay?

Sorry.

Box up these leftovers.

Get 'em over to the morgue.

He may be right.

Might be a serial k*ller, - Hm.

Then again, any woman who gives out

apples and toothbrushes on Halloween

might have made a few enemies.

Yeah, she sounds

like a real piece of sh*t.

Am I right? (Laughs)

- McNulty?

- Yeah.

What did I say about the winking?

You said not to wink.

Exactly.

Oh, gotcha, gotcha.

Oh sh*t! That was the last one.

Are you sure I have diabetes?

(ominous electronic music)

Cat got your tongue?

(neck squeaks)

Oh, speaking of cats,

have you seen one

around here, about yay big.

(neck squeaks)

(sinister music)

Is this all you ever do?

(sinister music)

(festive music)

Hey, hon?

Have you seen Prancer?

I found all the others. Except for Prancer.

We can't have a Christmas

display without Prancer.

We most certainly cannot.

I'll take another look in the closet.

I'll help.

Thanks, honey bunny.

Anything for my Claire Bear.

(Claire gasps)

Not in front of the neighbors.

Oh, what the f*ck?

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

(Claire gasps)

If we can get this done soon

I'll put on my special pajamas

and we can cozy up with a glass of eggnog.

Oh, Claire, that sounds like

Bullshit.

Oh my goodness. What

are you doing in our home?

What is the meaning of this?

What is the meaning of "this?"

[Both] It's Christmas.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's Hallo-f*cking-ween.

Well, we like to get a head start

and we don't celebrate Halloween.

Hm.

Don't celebrate Halloween?

[Both] It's the devil's holiday.

(chuckles) Can't you guys

just decorate on December 1st

like normal people?

I mean, what in the f*ck

is wrong with you two?

Matt, you do something?

(upbeat festive music)

(bauble smashes)

(ominous music)

That was a mistake, Matthew?

- Oh.

- (sinister music)

(Matthew chokes) Wish

you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

And a happy new year (body thudding)

(ominous music)

Seriously?

Merry Christmas and a happy new year

That's better, Claire Bear.

(festive music crescendos)

I like your boots.

(dramatic music) (Clair chokes)

(body thudding)

(Blue sings) We wish you

A merry Christmas, we wish you

Merry Christmas.

(sinister music)

Bring it on.

Oh, this'll be good.

(ominous music)

(foot smacking) (ba*ls crunching)

[Both] Ooh, right in

the entertainment center.

(fist smacking)

(body thudding)

Deck the ba*ls with boughs of

(dramatic music)

You must be a freshman.

(head smacking) (freshman groans)

(ominous music)

(festive music)

(head smacking)

(head clattering)

(Blue sings) Smashing through some bros

In a

(ominous music)

One, two.

Hey, is that a vulnerable

drunk girl alone on the street?

(suspenseful music)

(neck squeaks)

(suspenseful music)

Bro?

How do I look, bro?

Dude,

(ominous music)

(footsteps clomping)

(ominous music)

(suspenseful music)

(owl hoots)

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

(Blue screams)

(sinister music)

(sinister music continues)

Nice toss, bro.

Where am I?

Don't even know where she's at.

(sinister music)

(ominous music)

Where am I?

Where am I?

[Jarrod] Dude, you did

some damage. (Laughs)

(sinister music)

Who are you?

Who are you?

This is Jared, Jax, Jeff.

What? What?

Bro, bro. Your face is why. It's bogus.

Oh, right, yeah.

And J

where the f*ck's Johnny?

Johnny? Who's Johnny? (Laughs)

I'm Kurt.

Who am I?

You are...

(foot smacking) (dramatic music)

(ominous music)

Who am I?

You are the destroyer.

(Blue screams)

(head smacking) (dramatic music)

(ominous electronic music)

(teeth crunching) (Alpha groans)

f*ck, guys. She bites.

(fist smacking)

Dammit. Not again.

(tense music)

(fist smacking)

(bodies thudding)

(ominous electronic music)

- Jeez.

- Yeah.

Of all my years as a detective.

I've never had a night like this one.

Really? I've had a-a couple, actually.

I wanna say 2014, it's

November, 'cause that

Shut up, McNulty.

Yeah, cool, yeah, yeah, mm.

But off the record, can we both agree

they kind of deserved it?

Off the record?

Yeah, f*ck these two.

f*ck you. f*ck you.

f*ck these two sweaters.

f*ck 'em. f*ck 'em, right?

- No, look.

- I can unfuck them.

Alright. I get it, McNulty, I get it.

Go see if, er, we can get

some more light in here, huh?

I can do that.

Hold on, whoa. What is this?

Oh, I'm just gonna plug it in right here.

(electricity crackles) (sinister music)

- What the f*ck, McNulty?

- I didn't. I'm... Unplug it.

Oh yeah, sorry, Sir. Okay.

Unplug.

Oh my God. I k*lled 'em. (Groans)

They're already dead, numb nuts.

Oh my God. (Laughs)

You're not gonna tell anyone though, right?

Oh yeah.

I'm gonna tell everyone

down at the precinct.

That was f*cking amazing.

Okay, cool. I can do it again.

Now go check the rest

of the house, numb nuts.

That, yeah. No, yeah.

Okay. Excuse me, I'm sorry. (Clears throat)

(McNulty whistles)

(angelic music\)

Oh sh*t.

Hey, Detective Ford, can

you come look at this please?

What is it, McNulty?

If I have to guess, Sir,

I'd say it's some sort

of like special pajamas.

Size unconfirmed.

Oh.

So nice of you to join us.

Ha, serial k*ller. What'd I tell you?

Oh sh*t, notes.

(Autumn blows raspberry)

Good, well, bag 'em and tag 'em, huh?

Bag 'em yourself, dude.

Yeah, we're off in a half hour or so.

Peace out.

Hell yeah, rookie.

Screw you, Nulty-nuts.

It's a, it's a joke.

He doesn't wanna screw me, I don't think.

I don't...

I hope not.

Because I am straight.

(sinister music)

(ominous music)

I f*cking hate clowns.

(dramatic music) (knife thudding)

(suspenseful music)

(thunder rumbles)

(door chimes)

(raucous rock music plays)

Cry 'til dawn, never fall

Body's perfect, heed the call

Pure power standing tall

Fitness warriors digging it all

(raucous rock music continues)

(somber rock music)

Neon lights, shimmer and sweat

Power moves, never forget

Dance and flex, no regret

Iron angels always set

Sweat on steel, breaking chains

Driven hard, ignoring pain

Every beat they entertain

Thickness veins will reign

(raucous rock music) Sweat on steel

Breaking chains

Driven hard ignoring pain

Every beat they entertain

(footsteps approaching)

(hands clapping)

(ominous electronic music)

(ominous electronic music continues)

(shutters rattling)

You missed all the fun.

I just taught your

brothers a lesson in pain.

You went toe to toe

with four Alphas. (Scoffs)

How did you manage that?

I'm a girl.

Unlucky for you, girly.

I just went by the Alpha house

to pick up my fighting pants.

70% Dacron fibers. 30% Lycra.

Range of motion unlimited.

Rip proof, stain resistant

and made by seven year olds.

Let's party,

Bro, I'm the Alpha of all Alphas.

I'll talk slower.

Oh, I'm going to enjoy this.

I'm not gonna k*ll you right away.

I'm gonna drag it out for a while.

Make it hurt. Bad.

Hope you don't have anywhere to be,

because this might take all night.

Oh my God. You talk a lot.

You've no idea what you're dealing with.

Oh my God. What am I dealing with?

10 years football, two workouts

a day, seven days a week.

You know what I'm trying to put together?

What's the toaster's motive.

Like, seemed like he

had it pretty set here.

It's a nice house.

I'm sure he gotta use quite a bit.

Why? Why would he want k*ll this guy?

Did you even go to

detective school, McNulty?

There's a school?

[Johnny] An all protein

diet, seven years wrestling.

10 years boxing.

I was gonna say, was his

face that f*cked up before?

Or you think the toaster like

got a couple punches in on him?

Water polo, All American

and 16 years of Taekwondo.

- Wah. Yah.

- (raucous rock music) Just kick butt

And not just punch face

Because karate is the way to move it

Roundhouse kicks

and spinning back fists

That is the way to do it

'Cause I'm better than you

And better than him and better than her

At beating up kids

Let's just kick butt

and let's just punch face

Because Karate is the way to rule it

Roundhouse kicks and spinning back

(ominous music)

Six seasons of Cobra Kai,

(ominous music)

(knife stabbing)

(Johnny groans)

(ominous electronic music)

My pants! My pants! (Whimpers)

My pants.

(suspenseful music)

(Johnny screams)

(ominous music)

That's Johnny. I know his cry anywhere.

Alphas.

(Alphas grunt)

My d*ck. My only weakness! (Whimpers)

(Johnny groans)

(knife slices)

(ominous music)

I feel like I should say

a really cool one-liner right now.

It's been a long f*cking day.

So in the immortal words of Topanga

or Torrance or whatever her name is,

"Later, tater."

(ominous music)

This has to be it.

(ominous music)

(shutters rattling)

Johnny bro.

You can't die on me, bro.

You're my number one bro, bro.

(bell tolls)

Johnny!

Johnny!

(ominous electronic music)

We gotta find her and

we got a end her, bro.

We'll do it for Johnny, boys.

We'll do it for Johnny.

(bottles clinking)

Alphas, come out to pla-ay.

(ominous electronic music)

So, this a one at a time kind of thing.

Or family style?

Jax.

Valhalla, bro.

(glass smashing)

(body thudding)

(foot smacking) (skull crunching)

You got this, Jeff.

(foot stamping) (skull crunching)

(ominous music)

Why me?

Because you're a pledge.

Come on, bro.

Bro?

Bro.

[Jeff] Bro?

Bro.

Kurt, bro?

Bro. Come on, bro.

Bro?

Bro.

Bro.

Bro!

Kurt, bro?

Bro.

Consider it your initiation.

S-so if I pass, I'm officially an Alpha?

For sure, bro. Alpha's all the way.

They'll be singing praises

to you in the hallways.

Keggers will be thrown in your honor.

The hottest of hot babes'll be whispering

your name in their dreams.

"Jimmy."

My name's Jeff.

Whatever.

[Alphas] Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.

Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.

Jeff. Jeff. (Jeff roars)

Go Jeff.

(knife slices) (dramatic music)

(ominous electronic music)

Major bummer, dude.

We're gonna need a new pledge.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Delta. Delta. Delta.

(ominous electronic music)

What's up, babe?

(Blue groans)

(laughs) Delta. Delta. Delta. Hoorah.

Alpha, Alpha, Alpha. Hoorah.

(Thunder strikes)

(electricity crackles)

(ominous music)

(Gertrude screams)

(electricity crackles)

Why would someone do this?

I think it was an accident.

Yep, I think this guy was

in a rush. Hear me out.

He was in a rush for a

meeting or something.

He's like, "oh, I gotta clean myself.

But I also want breakfast."

So how do I knock out

two birds with one stone?

- No, no, no, no.

- I get in the tub,

I put some toast in the toaster.

Someone took the toaster

and threw it in the tub.

Now you just sound crazy. Okay?

(ominous music)

(thunder rumbles) (Blue gasps)

Oh, what the f*ck?

(ominous music)

Oh.

I'm just saying, maybe

the guy was onto something.

Maybe there's, hear me out.

You're in the shower,

right, but you're also hungry.

And it's also what, like

7:30 in the morning.

You know what sounds really good? Bacon.

- Bacon?

- What if, hear me out.

What if you could fry some

bacon while in the shower?

You wouldn't buy that.

Do you like smoke weed

before coming to work?

Is that what you do?

Because y-y-you're one weird dude, McNulty.

I ate a lot of paint chips as a kid.

I mean, who eats, who

eats bacon in the shower?

Uh, dreamers and believers, that's who.

(ominous electronic music)

(sinister music)

Grandpa, I'm home.

[Grandpa] Did you see

any serial K*llers out there?

Just one.

[Grandpa] That's great, honey.

(spooky festive piano music)

(spooky festive music)

(spooky festive piano music)

(bombastic festive music)

- Hi.

Boo.

Wah.

(sinister music)

Remember me?

(bombastic festive music)

(spooky festive piano music)

(eerie festive choral music)

(beam whooshes)

(ominous music)

What the f*ck?

(creature growls) (eerie festive music)

(bombastic festive music)

(body thudding)

(angelic music)

(bombastic festive music)

You know the drill.

(drill whirring)

(Kurt screams)

(hand whooshes)

(eerie music)

(dramatic music)

(ominous festive music)

(spooky festive piano music)

(dramatic music)

(bombastic festive music)

(bombastic festive music continues)

(meteor crashes)

(ominous music)

(bombastic festive music)

(somber festive music)

(tense music)

Lady Blue.

Got your usual booth.

(tense music)

(Blue groans)

What's the word?

The word is coffee, black.

Always bet on black.

Would you like some pie with that?

Hell no.

I had a slice of Pi earlier.

Oh yeah.

(tense music)

(menu slapping)

You ready to order yet? Are you ready?

Are you ready to order yet?

f*ck yo' mama, f*ck

- Hey, Jarvis. Taste this.

Ooh, don't mind if I do.

Mm, creamy.

Mm. I like it.

You ready to order? Huh?

(menu slapping)

You ready? You ready to order? Huh?

Yeah, I'm ready.

What would you recommend?

I recommend stop being such a p*ssy.

(palm slapping)

Heather, quit calling

our customers pussies.

He likes it.

I do.

Oh yeah.

Okay, I think I'm ready.

Great.

What the f*ck?

Which one of you dumb shits drew dicks

all over my notepad.

That would be what we call a team effort.

Wrong answer, numb nuts.

(palm slapping)

Ooh, ooh, me next, me next.

(footsteps approaching)

Tough day?

Tough day.

(ominous electronic music)

(door chimes) (thunder rumbles)

(ominous electronic pop music)

Do you remember

The way you used to be

Before surrender

By daydream fantasy

We lost our voice

There was no choice

But I was lying

We were close to home

I heard you crying

As we walked alone

You feel the stream

Inside your brain

You've gotta pray for me

I'm on the inside

You are great for me

I can't take anymore grief

You got away from me

I'm on the outside

You are great for me

And now we say goodbye

He's a survivor

When I hear you plead

An older rival

We're fighting desperately

We take our lives

To pay the price

But I was dying

Breaking flesh and bone

I felt you trying

Volunteer unknown

The end is near

I have no fear

You got away from me

I'm on the outside

You are prey for me

And now we say goodbye

And now we say goodbye

And now we say goodbye

(fitness fanatic screams)

(thunder rumbles) (electricity crackles)

[Cook] Oh yeah.