01x07 - Luce Stools

[bunniefuu]

On this episode of "So
Dumb It's Criminal"...

Give me everything you got!

Robbers find themselves
doing the wrong thing

at the wrong place,
definitely at the wrong time.

We see how shoplifting
can be a team sport.

What's your last name?

And when your actual name
matches your crime...

My last name is Cocaine.

Your dumb a*s is probably
gon' end up on this show.

♪♪

Welcome to "So Dumb
It's Criminal."

Tonight, we'll be watching
people caught on camera

doing things they
shouldn't be doing.

And by the end of the show,
you'll feel much better

about the police and much
worse about public education.

But before we get started,
say hello to my accomplices

this week, two people who
always take the fifth,

Ron Funches and Deon Cole.

And give it up for the lady

who's got more clips
than a g*n store,

Tacarra Williams.

You ready to do this, T?

Yep.

Well, take us to
church, Pastor Tacarra.

First up, these people
didn't follow the one rule

for successfully
committing a crime,

and that is location,
location, location.

So let's go on ahead and check
out where not to commit a crime.

Our first place not
to commit a crime

is in a car with a
motion detecting camera.

Prowlers had been picking
through the parking lot

checking for unlocked doors.

A neighbor discovered her car's
door wide open Friday morning.

I am totally happy I
bought that camera.

It's worth every penny.

First thing I did was I looked
at my notifications, and I went,

"I got a picture of the guy
that broke into my car."

This picture, caught
completely by surprise

on the Owlcam.

[ Laughter ]

Honey, the nose is wide open.

[ Laughing ] Yeah!

- He done.
- His whole face is on TV.

He should just play it
off and start singing.

[ Laughter ]

♪ I have nothing, nothing ♪

♪ Nothing ♪

And this came from
your daughter.

She wanted me to wish
you a happy birthday.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my goodness. If
you're gonna rob a school,

jack one that teaches
something chill,

like French or Spanish.

Anywhere but here.

Ohh.

- Oh!
- Oh.

He done f*cked up.

Oh, my God!

My man walked in on
the Power Rangers.

Oh, they finna beat
his m*therf*cking a*s.

[ Laughing ] He walked
in on the Power Rangers.

What was the odds of that?

Oh, my goodness.

What were the odds that
you would rob somebody

in a motorcycle helmet

and the Five Deadly Venoms...

[ Laughter ]

Is at the end of the hallway?

That m*therf*cker look like

it was straight out
of a Bruce Lee movie.

Yeah! They was
doing jumping jacks!

Ready to kick some a*s.

They were ready
to kick some a*s.

They been looking
for some test dummy,

and here you come.

They was praying a
m*therf*cker would.

Bring that back. Let's see...
I need to... Bring that back.

I gotta catch them jumping
jacks again. Bring that back.

Let me play that for you.

[ Laughter ]

"Oh, we got him. Go!"

- Oh, no, it ain't.
- We got some action.

Oh, get the hell out of here!

- Rangers are sent for!
- Hey, hold the door!

Hold the door, cuz! Hold
the m*therf*cking door.

[ Laughter ]

Can we roll it back one more
time? Look, check this out.

Look, look.

"Lord. Please. Send.
Us. Some... Hey!"

[ Laughter ]

Hey!

God is good!

God is good! Hey, get him!

- Look at God.
- Look at God.

- Look at God!
- Look at God!

- Come on.
- Oh, yes, Lord, yeah.

That was the very definition
of f*ck around and find out.

[ Laughter ]

I mean, one time, I
was in the traffic,

and this dude went and
pulled in front of me.

I kept blowing the horn,
and I tapped his car.

This m*therf*cker
got out the car,

and I got out, like,
ready to whup him.

And he just simply
did like this.

[ Laughter ]

And I was like, "Man, go
on with that bullshit."

[ Laughter ]

I got back in my car and
locked that sh*t. I was like...

That's reality check for
us. We like, "Unh-unh."

- "I don't know that move."
- I don't know that move.

- I'm done.
- Oh, you trained.

Yeah, you really know
pressure points and sh*t, huh?

[ Laughter ]

He gonna get me in
my pressure point!

You not finna hit me
in the motherfuckin'...

You didn't even know
this would collapse you.

Yeah, a n*gga grabbing
and... Like this.

Do like this. You be like...

[ Laughter ]

Alright, guys, so here's a guy

who should probably find
a better hiding place

for his stash.

What started out as a small
fine turned into a felony

for one Ohio man.

Lemar Reed, seen here, showed
up for his day in court

regarding a minor
traffic violation.

When he walked up to
speak to the judge,

he dropped a bag of
cocaine out of his hat.

It wasn't until
about an hour later

that the security officer
noticed it on the floor.

Staff reviewed camera
footage and saw the drop.

Immediately, there was a
warrant put out for his arrest.

This n*gga really
dropped the 8 ball.

[ Laughter ]

He mad right now, not
finding it. He like...

Yeah, yeah. [ Laughs ]

"I know I had the
m*therf*cker in my hat."

- Yeah.
- In my hat, and then

you swinging it around
in the courtroom,

and you like, "Oh, did
I drop it in the court?"

- Mm-hmm.
- Nah, I couldn't have did that.

Yeah, you almost so dumb, it's
criminal now, m*therf*cker.

You on our show
with your dumb a*s.

You know his lady was just like,

"Leave the cocaine at home."

He's like, "No, baby,
it's an important day.

I need it at court.

I need my cocaine...
My court cocaine."

[ Laughter ]

Our next criminal
wanted a bike so badly,

he forgot how to read.

There are po-po
signs everywhere.

[ Chuckles ]

At the police station.

He deserve to get his
b*tch-a*s beat up,

handcuffed, and thrown in jail.

I wanna know what
officer's bike that is.

- That's what I want to know.
- Officer Kickass.

[ Laughter ]

It's on his wallet.

It say "Officer Kickass."

[ Laughter ]

What do those stripes
mean on his jacket?

He's a bigwig, right?

Yeah, he is. He is.

He ain't that big,
riding a bike.

[ Laughter ]

- Gladstone Police.
- Glad to lock your a*s up.

[ Laughter ]

Our next criminal definitely
picked the wrong place

to rob this cab.

Oh, sh*t.

- Whoa.
- Give me all your money, man.

Give me everything you got!

I'm sorry. I don't have
anything in my wallet.

Give me your wallet
and your phone.

I need your wallet
and cellphone.

- Please don't take my phone.
- I need that.

- Oh, he's checking.
- He's checking. He's checking.

Oh!

His priorities was messed up.

This show is the greatest
sh*t to ever happen to TV.

'Cause there's so many dumb
m*therf*ckers like him,

that's gon' keep us talking.

Thank you, dummy.

- Yeah.
- That was stupid.

Like, you jump in the car
and didn't see the police?

Right behind him,
too, lights flashing,

and he just robbing.

Walk his a*s right
out the back seat.

Now get your a*s on the ground.

He's like, "I got another
back seat for you.

Just go from this back
seat to this back seat."

[ Laughs ] "We're ready to go."

Be honest, be honest.

When you driving, and you
see the police lights,

do your heart beat fast,

- or are you cool?
- I'm cool.

- Beat fast.
- My sh*t beating fast

as a m*therf*cker.

I keep a helmet in my car.

[ Laughter ]

I see them m*therf*ckers,
I grab that,

put that m*therf*cker
on my head...

[ Laughter ]

But that's just... I guess
it's a Black male thing.

I don't even give a f*ck. I know
they can't do nothing to me.

I'm at a status now to
where I can smoke weed,

it hit them in the face, they
gon' let me go with just...

[ Laughs ] Teach me your ways!

- Please, tag us in!
- I'm just saying,

the instincts of our body

is naturally trained to be in
fear when them lights come on.

Yeah, I don't even think
they should be able

to put police sirens in
rap songs anymore, Snoop.

If you can get that out of rap
songs, I would appreciate it.

No more police
sounds in rap music.

You be listening to your
music and hear the siren,

you be like, "Aw, man.

Oh, that was just
the song. Whew."

Have you ever been high,
though, and riding,

and somebody got a siren in they
song, and it come on, and...

It f*ck me up.

You like, "Can we turn
this bullshit off?

Put some R&B on. f*ck this sh*t.

I'm finna listen to some R&B.

This rap sh*t got
my nerves bad."

Alright, so, this next criminal

says he's innocent
of a burglary,

even though they
have him on video.

And he literally
stuck with his story.

They call you the duct tape
bandit. That's not you?

Look at me.

Do I look like a duct
tape bandit, baby?

I mean, he probably
had every opportunity

to put a brown paper poke over
his head and poke holes in it,

or a plastic bag, you know?

Duct tape?

During a jailhouse interview,

the suspect said police
have the wrong guy.

I'm not no duct tape
bandit, you hear me?

Live 101, Ashland, Kentucky,
you know this is not me.

- I'm ready to buy the mix tape.
- I'm ready.

That's Shaun King in two years.

[ Laughter ]

I'm just f*cking
with you, Shaun.

He was sentenced to 10 years

for trying to rob
a liquor store.

Okay, so, Deon, do you believe
that he is not the guy?

- Yeah, he the duct tape bandit.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Why do you think that?

- 'Cause he saying he not.
- Oh.

[ Laughter ]

- That's him?
- Yeah, that's him.

That duct tape hurt. You can see
he only got it on one eyebrow.

[ Laughter ]

How the f*ck do you rob a bank

- with duct tape on your face?
- With duct tape.

[ Muffled ] "Give me
the m*therf*cking money.

I'm trying to rob a
m*therf*cking bank."

[ Laughter ]

"Give me that right now, all
the m*therf*cking money."

What you say?

"Give me the
m*therf*cking money.

I ain't playing
with you n*gg*s."

[ Laughter ]

Alright, hold on, guys.

We're gonna go to
commercial right now,

and we will see
you guys in a few.

♪♪

♪♪

And now great moments

in the lives of unfortunately
named m*therf*ckers.

- How about a Edward Cocaine?
- What?

What's your last name?

My last name is Cocaine.

[ Laughter ]

This guy here, he's up
against drug charges,

and his name is
actually Cocaine.

Everywhere this m*therf*cker go,

people gonna try to sniff him.

I just think it's a good look.

I'm-a change my name
to Ronny Good weed.

Edward Cocaine is
not the only one

with a name that gets
him clowned in court.

Let's check out some other
ones in, "What's My Name?"

Now, I'm gonna tell
you about a person

who was charged with a crime,

and I want you to
guess their name.

Now, this lady here was arrested
for allegedly drunk driving

after crashing her car
into a Taco Bell sign.

Was her name Kanisha Booze,

was it Terry Chalupa,

or was it Luce Stools? [Loose]

- So it's not...
- Baby Hair Nelson?

It ain't Baby Hair Nelson, okay.

sh*t, we got the same shirt on.

[ Laughter ]

But if you had to
guess her name, Snoop,

what would you guess?

She looks like Kanisha.

Like, that just feel
like a hood name,

like, "Kanisha, you get in there
and clean that g*dd*mn room up!"

- Okay.
- Kanisha Booze.

I'm going with Kanisha Booze.

- Ron?
- I gotta go with Kanisha Booze.

The eyes. The eyes say,
"I'm Kanisha Booze."

Okay.

They do.

Come on, Deon,
what do you think?

I wanna go that route,

but I'm just gon' go with
C for the hell of it.

[ Laughter ]

Luce Stools?

Yeah, like, why not?

But for real, the answer is,

Snoop and Ron guessed it.

Her real name is Kanisha Booze.

Kanisha Booze.

Kanisha... And they
probably call her Boo, too.

Kanisha Boo, Boo-Boo.

- Mm-hmm, that's her name.
- Her name is Boo-Boo, probably.

Boo-Boo the fool
with your dumb a*s.

[ Laughter ]

"With your dumb a*s."

Okay, so let's see the next
unfortunately named individual.

Now, this ice-cold criminal
was arrested for allegedly

stealing ice cream at his
job at Cold Stone Creamery.

Is his name Daryl Strawberry,
is it Conor Fudge,

Or is it Benjamin N. Gerry?

So we gon' start with Ron
here. What you think, Ron?

I think Conor's about to get
his fudge packed in jail.

[ Laughter ]

- Okay. Okay.
- B.

Okay, alright, come on, Snoop.

Ah, I know he ain't
Daryl Strawberry,

'cause I know Daryl Strawberry.

- And that ain't him.
- Okay.

So Benjamin N. Gerry, I'm
thinking that's ice cream.

I'm like, I'm-a,
I'm-a roll with that,

just 'cause the m*therf*cker
got caught stealing ice cream.

I'm going with Ben N. Gerry.

Alright, come on,
Deon, last one.

Yeah, I'm-a go with that just
'cause it seem really white.

Ben N. Gerry?

- They put the N in there.
- Yeah, yeah.

"You gotta get my full name,
even though I'm arrested."

There it is. Yeah, yeah.

Alright so, his name is actually

Conor Fudge.

Oh, you up two
right now, nephew.

- We dope!
- Mr. Ron.

His accomplice
was Will E. Wonka.

His parents, his parents is
Peanut Butter and Pepper Mint

and besides themselves.

[ Laughter ]

So let's see the next one.

This man was arrested after
police allegedly found him

with more than $10,000
worth of marijuana.

- Uh-huh.
- Hello.

Is his name "A," Paul Stoner,

"B," Billy Buds,

or "C," Daniel Sativa?

Deon, what do you got?

Because of the hair, Billy Buds.

I was thinking that too, okay.

- Yeah, Billy Buds.
- Come on, Ron.

- Oh that's my guy.
- That's Paul Stoner. I know him.

[ Laughter ]

Free my buddy Paul. Can't
wait for you to get out.

Uh-huh. Alright, come on, Snoop.

Billy Buds.

Billy Buds. Okay. His name is

Paul Stoner.

We gon' get you
out of there, Paul!

What?

I gotta quit making
all my answers racial.

[ Laughter ]

"I'm gonna go with Billy
Buds 'cause of the hair."

And I'm right with your dog a*s.

I'm just... "Yeah.
Whatever Deon say.

I agree.

Right on, brother."

- Alright, guys, we got one more.
- We got one more, one more.

This fly player was arrested
at Love's Truck Stop

in Kirkwood, New York, for
alleged public lewdness.

Was his name Calvin P. Wank,

Spanky O'Brien,

or Billy X. Pose?

Ron, I'm-a start with you

since you been
taking these wins.

[ Laughter ]

I've seen enough of
"RuPaul's Drag Race."

That's... That's Billy X. Pose.

Okay. Snoop?

I'm not gonna say the n*gga
got the same name as me,

so I'm getting off
that Calvin sh*t.

[ Laughter ]

I'm gonna say the n*gga
like being spanked,

- so he's Spanky O'Brien.
- O'Brien.

Yeah, he like to get spanked.

Deon, we want your
non-racial guess.

This a tough one
not to be r*cist on.

Okay, well, go on and
do what you need to do.

Try your hardest, Deon!

- I'm trying! I'm trying.
- Fighting.

Pull it together, brother.

Alright, I'm gon' do it.

- Spanky O'Brien.
- Spanky O'Brien, okay.

His name is actually
Calvin P. Wank.

What?

- Oh!
- Oh!

And he's from Deposit, New York.

Deposit, New York?

Deposit? I ain't never
heard of that in my life.

Well, look who live there.

Why would you?

m*therf*cker name C.P. Wank.

[ Laughter ]

We'll be back in a
minute, so like C.P. Wank,

stick around.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

♪♪

Welcome back, welcome back to
it's "So Dumb, It's Criminal."

There are all types
of crimes, but the one

that never gets tired is
good old-fashioned thievery.

It's time for
"Let's Get Lifted."

Wild surveillance video

from inside a North Face
store at the Pleasant Prairie.

- Look at these dumb-a*s n*gg*s.
- Look at them.

A mob shoplifting incident.

They were in and out of that
store within 30 seconds.

What's so stupid is they all
gon' be walking around the hood

dressed the same.

[ Laughter ]

n*gg*s walking around with
sleeveless ski jackets on.

All of 'em, the same color.

All got new North Face.

I can't believe nobody
thought to wear a mask,

while they was in there
grabbing all this ski sh*t.

It's in the same section!

You dummies. You could have
put a whole ski mask on.

n*gga could have been Jason
from "Friday the 13th"

and walk in that m*therf*cker
with hockey mask on.

Now all y'all going to jail,

'cause when he get caught,
he gonna tell on him.

He gonna tell on the
other one that just ran,

and the other one just gon'
be volunteering information.

Y'all caught. Y'all on...
This Channel 6 news.

- Yeah, Channel 6.
- This that real news.

- That's Fox.
- When m*therf*cker say Fox,

- you n*gg*s is caught.
- Yeah.

Yeah, they caught.

I could tell you more about
this alleged shoplifter,

but I'll let the clip
iron out the details.

Caught up.

Mm, she don't got
no time for this.

Caught up.

Oh, she got a iron.

She like, "Why you acting
like you Mrs. Walmart?"

- Two irons!
- "Like this your store."

- Three irons?
- Three irons?

This b*tch is
definitely a stylist.

- She got three irons.
- She's a stylist.

- Four! Four!
- She just trying to get

her dry cleaning
business off the ground.

And chewing her bubble gum like,

"m*therf*cker, I can't
believe y'all caught me."

What you think she was
gonna do with these irons?

Start her own dry
cleaning company.

- Okay.
- She was about to start

a blue jean jacket
patch business.

Okay.

Or she may be a part
of a motorcycle club.

She maybe, yes, a
motorcycle club.

She iron all of the patches
on the motorcycle jacket.

- Gotta iron on a lot of patches.
- Real into them '80s bands?

Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Alright, so, if this next
person didn't get caught,

she'd have enough deodorant
to not have B.O. for a year.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

- Geez.
- Yeah, she's good.

Damn, did she pull
some deodorant out?

- Everything. What you want?
- What you want?

What you want, Snoop?
It's all there.

I told you, I've seen somebody

pull a '76 Buick
Skylark out they...

[ Laughter ]

She got a whole bodega she run.

Yeah. At some point,
it's not stealing.

It's just like up-close magic.

[ Laughter ]

They should have known
she was gon' steal

by that six-button jacket.

[ Laughter ]

"Ma'am, that's two
too many buttons."

That's too many buttons.

It's 90 degrees outside.

If you plan to steal
that many toiletries,

what you really need is these.

I see you, and now I want you.

I want you, too.

And you.

I want you in my pants.

But I don't want to pay for you.

Or you.

Or this. Or that.

[ Speaks French ]

I might make a sandwich.

Oh, screw it. I steal the
pre-made sh*t all the time.

And this watermelon. They
aren't in season much longer.

In case it rains.

And this trumpet.

[ Speaks French ]

And a few other small items.

All mine now.

Because I'm a Criminalé.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Telephone dialing ]

[ Line ringing ]



- Hello! Yes!
- I just need burgers,

some weed, and some Kool-Aid!
Is that too much to ask?

Look, m*therf*cker, this is 911.

This ain't no f*cking
personal delivery service!

[ Disconnect tone ]

Personal delivery service?

Mom, bring me my Etch A Sketch,
a pencil, and some paper!

We're gonna be rich!

But he didn't become rich.

In fact, he didn't
even leave his couch.

He was super stoned.

I don't know why he
called out to his mother.

She lives in Missouri.

He just ended up falling asleep
and waking up three hours later,

having completely forgotten
the idea to form a company

that had already been in
existence for six years.

What? You actually
thought you were about

to learn something on a show
with the word dumb in the title?

About how someone had
a billion-dollar idea

while high in their
apartment in L.A.?

Are you high right now?

Do you have any idea
how complicated it is

to build a start-up,

let alone a global enterprise?

- Hey, guys, what's up?
- So, we are back.

We've all heard clips
of people calling 911

about foolish nonsense.

There are so many of
them, it's hard to tell

if they're real or
if they are fake.

So let's see if you can.

♪♪

Alright. I'm gonna give you
some guys some scenarios,

and I want you to tell me
if this is a real scenario

or a fake scenario. You ready?

- Yep.
- A man calls 911 to ask

if his marijuana plant is legal.

- Real.
- Real?

I feel like I've been stoned
enough to do that, yes.

- Okay. Real?
- Real. Real.

Alright, you guys all
guessed it. That was real.

- Is this an emergency, sir?
- Depends.

[ Laughs ]

- 911.
- Yeah.

Don't call the cops for
something you can Google.

A friend of mine got high
and called 911 to tell them

that she was too high
and she needed help.

Can we get her on this show?

[ Laughter ]

Alright, number two.

A woman calls 911 to sing an
audition for "American Idol."

I can see somebody
stupidly doing that sh*t.

Okay.

No, I don't think
Simon don't work there.

- That don't make sense.
- Yeah, it's real.

So we got two reals and a...
And a... and a not-real,

- something we made up?
- Yeah, two be real.

It's actually
something we made up.

Yeah!

Why was that so far-fetched?

- [ Laughter ]
- Right.

That was the most sanest sh*t
y'all done said on this show.

[ Laughter ]

Here's the next emergency call.

A woman is tired of babysitting.

[Laughing] and calls 911.

Who has not wanted to turn
they kids over to the police?

- Yes. True.
- I'll say 911,

'cause I know some bad a*s
kids that definitely...

They mama of them trying to
find a way to get rid of them.

Mm-hmm. What you think? Real?

Yeah, yeah, it's
definitely real.

Bertha Rayne
Chamber sits outside

her Lauderdale Courts
apartment, fresh out of jail.

Her crime... calling 911

because she didn't want
to babysit her grand kids.

- They said you were upset?
- Yes, I was.

- About babysitting?
- Yeah!

Why would you call


But I get tired of babysitting.

- Makes sense.
- Let me tell y'all something.

I'm a grandma, right?
My son surprised me.

I got a whole 1-year-old
grandson, right?

And I almost called the cops.
He crying. I ain't got time.

I'm tired. I told my
son, "If you don't come

get this baby, the
fire department is.

Hurry up and get to the house."

So, yes, Nana. I'm with Nana.

You know, we young. We
wanna turn up a little bit.

Don't nobody wanna watch
nobody else's babies, so...

- Say that.
- You never thought about it?

- Get rid of my son?
- Yes! Yeah, absolutely!

- I don't think this is a crime.
- I think she did the right thing,

because she could have
left the kid somewhere.

- Right.
- But she didn't.

She was responsible.

She was responsible
enough to make that call,

'cause she could have
just went to the club

and went to the juke joint
that she normally goes to.

Mm-hmm, you said the juke joint?

She said bingo. She
was gonna go to bingo.

- Yeah, you saw that lady.
- She goes to juke joints.

She goes to juke
joints and fish fries.

- Yes.
- That's where she's at.

So, this was clearly real.

A man calls 911
to say he's drunk,

pulls over in front
of the police station.

- True.
- I'm gonna say, yeah, true.

- True. True.
- Yeah. All of you guys say true.

That was real.

[ Coughs ]

- f*cking truck.
- Okay...

There's been times where I
haven't been too stoned to drive

but then I ended up
too stoned to drive.

Well, you know smoking
and driving is a DUI now.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I found out the easy way.

[ Laughter ]

That is it for the show.

I'd like to thank my guests,
Ron Funches and Deon Cole.

Give it up for
them one time, yo.

[ Applause ]

And I got to give
it up to the lovely,

I'm talking about the keeper
of the clips, Tacarra.

- Yeah.
- [ Applause ]

Peace.

[ Both laugh ]