01x03 - From Intoxicated to Incarcerated

[bunniefuu]

On this episode of "So
Dumb It's Criminal,"

you'll be glued to your seat
watching our perpetrators

risk life and limb in the
pursuit of dumb crime.

But in the end, straight-up
stupidity trumps them all.

Aah!

Get set, because we're
all about to get stupid.

♪♪

[ Applause ]

Welcome to "So Dumb
It's Criminal,"

where you do the crime that
will get you some time.

They say two is company
and three is a crowd,

but not today.

Say hello to a jury of my peers.

To my left is the
lovely Loni Love.

And to her left, Jay Pharoah.

And over to his
left, Moshe Kasher.

- Ya dig?
- And as always,

the lady who brings the
flavor to all the misbehavior,

my sister, Tacarra Williams.

Get it, girl.

What are we starting
with tonight, Tacarra?

Alright, so the
Joker had Batman.

Big Perm had Smokey.

Every criminal has a nemesis.

What about you guys, has anyone
ever tried to stop your shine?

Yes. I had a nemesis
named Suge Knight.

- Ooh, okay.
- Yeah, we know that story.

But he became a friend
of mine, so, you know,

sometimes bad guys and good
guys can become friends.

- Okay.
- But he definitely was

a m*therf*cking villain

that a lot of you n*gg*s
were scared of and shook up.

You know what I'm talking about?
So that was my superhero moment.

- Okay.
- You know who my nemesis was?

- Who?
- My kindergarten teacher.

- Oh, okay.
- For real?

Because I didn't know the
difference between my colors

and my numbers, but,
b*tch, I made it anyway.

[ Laughter ]

So dog head a*s.

Yeah, I have to follow up it
up with the teacher thing.

Miss Jones, she told me I was
never going to be nothing,

and she tried to
label me with ADD.

But since I got a Black mama,
I never got labeled with ADD.

You know what I'm saying?

And I did make my
dreams come true.

And guess what, I
took a God dang test,

and I'm highly gifted, b*tch.

- Yeah.
- Here we go.

- Alright.
- I had to get that off my chest.

- Especially for you.
- Wow.

Okay, your turn.

My nemesis, Officer Coronzo.

He had a search-on-site
policy with me

and my little hoodlum friends

when we were listening
to your album

and getting terrible ideas
about how to behave in 1993.

- Wow.
- Wow.

Honestly, I blame Snoop.

Well, you know the
slogan, f*ck the police,

coming straight from
the underground.

[ Laughter ]

So, Superman had a weakness,
and so do these folks.

It's "Criminal Kryptonite."

♪♪

He looks like something
bad is going to happen.

- Yeah, 'cause he's crazy.
- Oh, no.

He don't even know
what to steal, cuz.

- Fool.
- [ Applause ]

- Bring that video back.
- Let me see it. Bring it back.

- Did you see the kick?
- What are you doing?

See how smart they were?

That there heavy, and
you're already drunk.

- I love it.
- I call that clerk Pfizer.

He stopped Corona in its tracks.

[ Laughter ]

That floor is real slippery.

That must be the part they
just mopped up right there.

- Uh-huh.
- You know, in the ghetto stores,

they mop and don't put
that little yellow sign.

That's what happened.

They just put stuff in the way.

They just put sh*t in the way.

You know you're supposed to
walk around this sh*t, right?

He got a whole box of Little
Debbie right here, huh?

That's some bad
commercial for beer,

I'll tell you that, though.

- For some beer, though?
- For some beer.

Bring it back. Bring it back.

Let's see him. Can I see
him size them 12-packs up?

Check that out.

They told me I was in
charge of the alcohol,

so I'm going to go
to the party, b*tch!

[ Laughter ]

Alright, so, next up,

a homeowner decides to
play real-live Whack-a-Mole

with this idiot who
got stuck in a window

- while trying to break in.
- [ Screaming ]

How you get stuck like this?

He f*cking him up
with that bottle.

Oh, he f*cking him up.

Oh, that's one of
them Jamaican bottles.

Can't get stuff like this.

That's a Jamaican
old a*s 7-Up bottle,

you know, that can't break.

That came from America,

but they took them over
there, recycled them,

and them m*therf*ckers
is not gonna break.

He's f*cking his knee up.

First of all, how you even get
stuck in this type of window?

- Can we see it again?
- I just need to understand

the dynamics of what
the f*ck was he doing.

The n*gga tried to use his
other leg to protect him.

[ Laughter ]

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what he tried.

Wherever this is, they do
bottle service very different.

Afterwards, which I didn't see,
is that he took that bottle

and stuck it up his a*s.

He's whooping that n*gga
with an old 7-Up bottle.

But let me ask you, you
pull up to your house

and somebody's stuck in
your window like this...

I'm gonna walk over to him,
I'm gonna ask him what's wrong.

I'm gonna give
him a strong talk.

I have one technique
and one technique only.

Snoop, what you doing,
it's your house?

That old-a*s 7-Up bottle?

I'm going to get
a Hennessy bottle

for the other hand, and
I'll be f*cking him up

so when he's trying
to protect him,

I'll be playing the drums
with this m*therf*cking head.

Oh, yeah, Snoop is going to be
like, sipping on gin and juice.

Exactly, drummed out.

Okay, on the next
one, German shepherds

make great police
dogs, and here is why.

Oh, he's a good boy.

[ Laughter ]

He's like, "What?"

"What?"

By the way, the same thing
happens if you ever say

the word "cocaine" at a
party in the Hollywood Hills.

All the White girls will
look at you like that.

Look at the emotion in his face.

Look at that baby's face.

He understood what that meant.

'Cause he's like, "I
thought I was retired."

Yeah, "n*gga, now you're
doing the sh*t now?"

Right. Here's a
thief on a motorbike

who stole a cellphone,
and little did he know,

the owner is a huge
Jackie Chan fan.

Oh, he's about to get k*lled.

Oh, here comes some
karate for your a*s.

He has his phone,

and I'm gonna pretend
to be talking on it.

Oh, Mr. I'm Going to
Take Somebody's Phone.

Oh, no.

Whoa!

- Oh, that was gangster.
- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I got
to take that back.

- I'll f*ck with that.
- I'll f*ck with that.

When you don't have
insurance on your phone,

you'll do this type of move.

He needs his phone.

It's not even a bicycle kick.

- He threw his butt on him.
- Oh, wow.

By the way, keep playing it.

Look. Look at him.
What a gangster.

He never even dropped
his cigarette.

He smoked the whole time.

Now the bike is kicking his a*s.

I thought it was
a real motorbike.

That's a f*cking
scooter. [ Laughter ]

- That's what you upset about?
- The scooter?

I didn't think he
was on a scooter.

I thought he had a real bike.

[ Laughter ]

These next clips are
assorted and mixed.

Take it away, Snoop.

It's time for "Deez Nutz."

[ Laughter ]

- What is this show?
- Watch this next guy

who thought his
judge was DJ Khaled.

He was charged with
burglary and trespassing

in a school safety zone.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

What the f*ck is a man
in a jail jump suit

doing twerking in court?

He's getting ready.

He's getting ready.

No, that's not it.

I'll tell you what he's doing.

He's trying to get
out on twerk release.

His husband got really
excited when he saw that.

- You don't have to work.
- You're gonna be doing

plenty of twerking when
you get up in there.

He ain't the giver,
he's the taker.

[ Laughter ]

No, he was inspired
by your music.

He's like, "Drop the
charges like they're hot."

[ Laughter ]

I'm just glad to see Danny
DeVito is still working.

That's awesome. [ Laughter ]

Watch your back.

She looks like
Winston Churchill.

[ Laughter ]

Here's a guy who got
fed up with questions

from a nosy reporter.

Why you running from the police?

Bro.

- Did you break into a house?
- Did you burglarize the house?

Hell, no.

Bro, get away from the car, bro.

I don't want to talk.

- Alright.
- I don't want to talk.

- You were talking before.
- You just talked.

But I don't want to
talk to you, though.

- Did you break into a house?
- No.

Why are you in custody, then?

- I don't know.
- You don't know?

You have no idea why
you've been arrested?

No idea, sir.

Why you got hair
coming out your nose?

[ Laughter ]

And he wins.

[ Laughter continues ]

He wins.

He won every lunchroom battle.

He was sizing him up, though.

If you notice, he's
a real comedian

because he kept sizing him up,
trying to find the right sh*t.

He's like, "You know what?

Why you got hair
coming out your nose?"

- Exactly. He finally found it.
- It took him a while.

- He got it.
- He finally found it.

- He was speechless.
- The interviewer's, "Okay",

- "back to you."
- Right.

How do you get the
hair out of your nose?

Snoop, I thought you
just hit the blunt

until it got real
small and flames.

- Just burn it off.
- Yeah.

First of all, let's
talk about the fact

that he look like Chris
Paul and Kevin Hart

came together and
fused. [ Laughter ]

[ As Kevin Hart ] Listen,
here's the problem.

You're getting too close
to car. I don't like that.

I need you to back up. Why?
Because I don't want you

to get lost in my honey
brown peanut butter eyes.

[ Laughter ]

That makes a lot of sense, Jay.

It's making a lot
of sense right now.

Peanut butter. [ Laughs ]

Alright, so here's a guy
making a run from the cops.

He wrecked his car, and when
the state police arrived,

he started assaulting
the people around him

and ran into the intersection.

Oh!

Oh! Watch out. Oh, sh*t!

He ran back to the cops.

He said, "You know
what? Take me."

- "You know what?
- Y'all take me to jail.

- f*ck this sh*t."
- He's like, "I'm done."

"Take me to mother
f*cking jail."

God damn, he had me on
the edge of my seat.

- Look it.
- Ah!

- "You know what?
- Y'all was right.

Y'all was right.
Y'all was right."

"Let me go on back."

His shoe came down


Damn, why did his
shoe go that high?

Now, you know God ain't
trying to get rid of you.

You got a purpose if you
went through all of that

and you still
living... And walk.

That's where you find Jesus,
right there on the interstate.

He needs to be in church
right now, at the altar.

♪ Take me to the water ♪

♪ To be baptized ♪

[ Laughter ]

We got more show after this.

♪♪

♪♪

- What up?
- We back at it like Craftmatic.

- Uh-oh.
- And just like that,

we're back in a real way.

T, clip me with your best shot.

Alright. So, let's check in
with a whole lot of people upset

by a whole lot of things,

and they need some
"Anger Management."

♪♪

Alright, so listen, we all know

working at a Waffle House
can be very stressful.

I want you to go ahead and watch
this chef mix it up with a dude,

and watch how the
customers deal with it.

Waffle House... this is
my favorite restaurant.

It is.

So the guy in the blue
shirt is the chef,

and the guy in the
headband is a customer.

They just went straight
to a boxing match.

- And they're going at it. Yes.
- f*ck it.

- Where is my cheese at?
- I'm saying the chef

handling his business, so
I've got to get in this.

Who's stirring the grits?

He's getting the sh*t choked
out of him right now, though.

He ain't no boxer,
I know that much.

- Uh-huh.
- He needs to stay a chef.

And look at the
people making eggs.

That's me. That's me.

- That would be me right there.
- That would be Loni.

You see, where
are the hair nets?

Ain't no hair nets.

You see, I smell...
When I saw that clip,

you know how Spider-Man got
this thing called spider senses?

I got this thing
called n*gga senses,

and it was tingling.

They was tingling
heavy watching that.

That's why I don't
go to Waffle House.

That's why I go to IHOP,

and that's where I leave
it, you know what I mean?

He wanted his eggs soft.

That's why he got
mad at the chef,

you know what I'm saying?

I have something
called Jew sense,

so I sense a free
meal. That's why...

There are so many
fights at Waffle Houses

that the customers
have a contingency plan

if people start fighting, like,

"f*ck it, I'm making my
own waffle. Let's do this."

And let's talk about the fact,

wasn't that the boy did a song
with Chris Brown, I think?

I think he did.

Yo, yo, yo, the pandemic, that
hit a lot of us hard, bro.

Here's an example right here.

It actually looks like a mini
version of Rick Ross and Nelly.

- [ Laughter ]
- Yeah.

If you really just look at
it, like, Ross and Nelly.

- Wait a minute.
- [ Laughter ]

So in New York, they
don't have Waffle Houses,

so when I first went
to a Waffle House,

I had heard so
many insane things,

like insane things
about a Waffle House,

I went in there like
this, okay. [ Laughing ]

Let me surveillance
the place first.

It's never when you're there.

When you're there,
it's always cordial.

- Pleasant.
- Good music playing.

Everybody's in line.
You lift your napkins.

You lift this, but
when you ain't there,

snaggletooth, no hair
net, fighting going on.

When I left and I saw
the news, I was like,

"Oh, we was just
there!" [ Laughter ]

Just a regular Saturday
night at the Waffle House.

Yeah, that's why I
go on Wednesdays.

Alright, so here's a dude who
didn't get the food he paid for,

so he went full-on
Naomi Campbell.

Don't blame him.

When the staff said they'd
be refunding his money

and contacting the police,

this dude allegedly
turned violent.

Oh. Oh.

- His sugar's low.
- That's why he's doing it.

Yeah.

I said I wanted whole
wheat bread, damn it!

[ Laughter ]

"I'm wrecking
everything. f*ck it."

Six months, eight
months, nine months.

[ Laughter ]

That m*therf*cker looking at
about four years right now.

He push another thing
over, he's doing 10.

You don't get mad at
a McDonald's, though.

McDonald's is a happy place.

They make happy meals.
What are you doing?

Because he's not
loving it, you know,

that's what's
happening right here.

- Hey, leave him alone.
- Little Dicky was hungry.

There goes Mo, making an excuse.

[ Laughter ]

I'm trying to defend my people
here. This makes sense to me.

Oh, no, I feel like
if I saw this happen

and I'm in the corner like,
"Is the cookies done or not?"

- Exactly.
- Well, go back a little bit.

How come Jeff Bezos

is just standing there
watching this whole thing?

[ Laughter ]

All I have to say is don't say
you serve breakfast all day

if you don't serve
breakfast all day.

Okay, now here's a British
man who just got a ticket

and had no problem telling
the parking officer

how he really felt.

- Ooh.
- That's their go-to.

Hey, that's like the *-word
in a Black house. For real.

Let me ask you a question.

You ever gotten a
ticket on your car

and you see the person
who gave you the ticket,

and you literally
ran in the store,

came back out 30 seconds later,

and there's a ticket on
your car, what do you do?

Once upon a time,
it happened to me,

so what I did was I ran up
on a little female officer.

She kind of had a thing
for the Dogg anyway.

Of course she did.

You understand me?

So I tell her like this,
"Check this out, baby.

What you fixing to get for
this ticket, like $50, $65?

Take this $200 and
throw that ticket away.

And take this little
joint on the side."

[ Laughing ]

- A joint?
- Yeah, and she did it.

- Okay, she did it, alright.
- Yeah.

You pimped a parking attendant?

You got to have
conversation sometimes, Mo.

You can't be afraid to ask.

What's the worst she could say?

I'll go up to her, I'll say,
"You're a fan of the Dogg.

Are you a fan of the Moshe?"

And she'll write me two tickets.

[ Laughter ]

Alright, we'll be back
with more clips after this

on "So Dumb It's Criminal."

♪♪

Let's cut to the chase.

We all have our
favorite TV shows,

and now I'm gonna show you
a guy who has a favorite TV,

just wasn't his, and some
Baltimore cops were not ready.

I like the play-by-play from
dude sh**ting that clip.

I felt like watching
the hood Olympics.

Yeah, bust him out!

Oh, damn!

That fool outran
both cops with a TV.

Starsky and Hutch need to
renew their gym memberships.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

It's their fault for believing
they could outrun a crackhead

with a flat screen and a dream.

This is so dumb, it's criminal.

♪♪

Welcome back to the
show. What's next, T?

Now, we've all heard clips
of people hitting up 911

with foolish nonsense, and
no one keeps their cool

like the "Smooth Operators"
in these next clips.

- I like that, smooth operator.
- Uh-huh, you see that.

Yeah, I like that
for the 911 callers.

Yeah.

♪♪

So this first call came from a
guy in a pretty hard situation.

Four days?!

[ Laughter ]

Four days. It's supposed
to be four hours.

That's crazy.

You know what, he waited four
days. He's been trying to smash.

- Yeah.
- He waited four days.

He done called back all
his exes who talked sh*t.

What does that mean,
erectile dysfunction?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I've always heard
that in commercials,

but I never knew what it meant.

[ Laughter ]

Late night at 2:00
in the morning.

Alright, do you have erectile
dysfunction? Yes, I do.

This is abuse of 911.

You don't call because
your d*ck can't go down.

You know, you call Gloria.

Right.

He just wanted a cop to
come over and tase it soft.

Oh, tasing. "Okay, I'm gonna
put my d*ck in the door.

You can just tase
it from there."

- But four days?
- Four days.


hours, and 59 minutes longer

than the longest
erection I've ever had.

[ Laughing ] Oh, my God.

Folks, thank you for having me.

[ Laughter ]

Alright, so our next 911 call

involves a home intruder
who doesn't like surprises.

- Oh, Timothy.
- He was taking a shower.

"I already did the job for you."

He's taking a shower in
somebody else's house.

Hell, yeah, he got away clean.

[ Laughter ]

- That was good.
- Hey, come on.

Next is this man who called 911
on McDonald's. Like, really?

Okay.

Uh-huh.

I left the store
without checking it.

When I got to my truck
and I got ready to leave,

I looked in the bag,
and come to find out,

I didn't have but six McDoubles.

[ Laughter ]

Because he can count.

He ordered seven, and
you only gave him six.

Give pastor his damn burger.

Oh, yeah. He drove home,
he said, "I'm gonna put

my church suit on to
embarrass myself on TV."

'Cause he dressed up.

I don't know why he's surprised.

He knows there's an employee
there named the Hamburgler.

Of course one got stolen.

He looks like the cheeseburger.

That's what he damn
sure look like.

Yeah, the yellow wrapper,
cheeseburger, yes.

You know he laid
that outfit out.

"The news is coming. Let
me lay out my outfit."

That m*therf*cker
was out like this.

"I'm gonna k*ll these
m*therf*ckers with this.

This m*therf*cking
Pittsburgh yellow jacket.

These m*therf*ckers."

He had a cheeseburger
trying to see which suit

matched the burger
to the wrapper.

Guys, we'll be back right
with more clips after this

on "So Dumb It's Criminal."

♪♪

♪♪

Did you miss us?

Lucky for you, we're
back like we never left.

Hey, when I saw this clip,

I just knew I had to have
this m*therf*cker on my show.

The viral video shows
Robby Stratton running

through a convenience store
with an alligator in his hands.

He takes the animal in
the beer fridge, as well.

We asked Stratton where
the alligator came from.

No clue. No clue.

I literally came to the store

and he was in the
back of the truck.

He kind of brushed it off,
saying it wasn't a big deal.

He was drunk. He and his
friends were having fun.

Charged with animal cruelty,

as well as having
to pay $100 to FWC.

He spent some time in jail.

Today, he entered a no plea
contest for his charges.

So here live and
direct is Robby,

the gladiator of alligators.

Robby, what's happening, player?

- What's going on, Snoop?
- How you doing?

- I'm all good, man.
- Where you from?

Jacksonville, Florida.

So, I want you to explain to us
what actually happened that day

when you went in that
store with that alligator.

Well, we had him on the
porch the whole time,

and we ran out of beer.

And I didn't trust my
cousins not to f*ck with him

the whole time I was gone,
so I just took him with me.

Hey, that, dude, makes sense
because you can't leave

an alligator in the
care of somebody

who don't really know
how to handle a gator,

so that would have been
a bad move to leave him

at home with your cousin while
you went on that beer run.

Did you think the alligator
was enjoying the beer run?

I think he wanted to take a bite

out of that little fella
I was chasing around.

Yeah, he worked at the
store. His name is Show.

- He's your friend?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I hang out
with him regularly.

He hangs out with him regularly.

So you frequent at
that store a lot.

- Oh, yeah.
- At the time the video happened,

I worked right
across the street.

Robby, what was
you trying to get

when you brought
the alligator in?

Clearly, beer, clearly.

[ Laughter ]

He said, "Lady..."

It's crazy, because
in the clip, Robby,

I thought you couldn't
look more Florida

than robbing a liquor
store with an alligator,

but in the years
since that clip,

you have clearly
become more Florida.

You have a mullet...
A mullet, a mohawk.

That dude's Orange County, baby.

On your neck. This
is unbelievable.

One question for you, are you
vaccinated against COVID-19?

Just kidding.
You're clearly not.

- No.
- [ Laughter ]

f*ck no. f*ck no.

Hey, Robby.

Clearly, no.

How did the store react when
you came in with the alligator?

Were they afraid? Did they say
you got to leave him in the car?

What was the reaction?

Alright, so, when you
look at the clip, you see

I'm yelling at these two girls,
and they were freaking out.

But, actually, when
I went in the store,

everybody started
pulling their phones out,

like you didn't even see
at the end of the clip,

the man stepped out
behind the cash register

and was recording it, so
they was all fun times.

Where's the
alligator now, Robby?

The alligator is in the
septic tank right now

because he tasted real good
deep-fried with lemon pepper.

Oh, no. You ate the alligator?

[ Laughter ]

Robby! No, Robby!

Hey, Robby, I'm
kind of with you,

because I went to a restaurant
called Pappadeaux's.

- Pappadeaux's, yeah.
- And I ordered...

I thought I was eating
some chicken strips, right?

So I was just smacking.

And I told the dude, I said,

"Man, bring me some more
of them chicken strips."

He's like, "That ain't
chicken. That's gator."

And I was like, "Damn,
gator f*cking chicken up."

Chicken of the river.

- Chicken of the river.
- Chicken of the river.

[ Laughter ]

They tried to make it like

you was trying to
rob the liquor store,

but we see that
that's not the case

because that's the store
that you always shop at.

So, we're glad that you came
on the show and cleared it up.

Yeah, I mean, I put
the beer on the counter

and started pulling
money out of my pocket

before the video clip ended.

Does your gator... Did
it have a name, Robby?

Six-piece combination meal.

[ Laughter ]

We're going to name
you Lemon Pepper.

We're going to name you Ranch.

We're going to name
you Deep Fried.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, Robby, my producers
tell me that you're a fan

of Snoop Dogg
music. Is that true?

All my family, they're cowboys
and cowgirls, you know,

so that rap stuff wasn't
allowed in the house.

So I get caught listening
to Snoop Dogg or Eminem,

I'd get my a*s whooped.

I'm talking about whoo!

Flashback 20 years later,

I walk in the house, my mom's
in my living room Crip Walking.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

♪♪

Shoutout to Mother.

Hey, Robby, stay in
touch. Stay in tune, baby.

We got love for you over
here, man. God bless you.

I'll pick up the phone
any time you call.

Fo sho. Appreciate you, my bro.

Bye, Robby!

Yes, sir.

[ Applause ]

I like Robby.

- He's a dog, right?
- Yes.

That's our show.

I'd like to thank my guests,
Loni Love, Jay Pharoah,

and my nephew Moshe,
but I call him Moshi

because I do my own thing,
Moshi-Moshi, Moshi-Moshi Kasher.

And the one and only, the
beautiful Tacarra Williams.

You've been watching
"So Dumb It's Criminal."

Be sure to tune in next week for
different sh*t, same channel.

See you.

♪♪