01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

You're both getting out today.

I still got eight months.
This fool got four years left.

The governor's letting
out a bunch of nonviolent

- inmates because of the Coronavirus.
- I'll tell you what.

Give me that $40 and you can stay at
my mom's place for a couple of nights.

- What were you in for?
- Uh... Selling weed.

[Gloria] Were either
of you guys in D Block?

That's where my man is. Do you guys know
a guy named Jack? He is 28 years old.

He says he looks like a
cross between the Rock and...

- Alex Rodriguez.
- Alex Rodriguez.

I'm sorry.

Is this even your d*ck?

That's my d*ck.

- What are we doing at Melvin's?
- I need toilet paper.

You can't buy any in
the stores anymore.

People panicked and scooped it all up,
leaving the rest of us to improvise.

Had to throw away a perfectly
good oven mitt last night.

I'm thinking after dinner
we visit Melvin's place

and steal us some toilet paper.

I'm not going back to jail. So if we're
going to do this, we need to do it right.

A lot of people in here believe there's
no such thing as the perfect crime.

A perfect crime is a crime that
nobody even knows happened.

[sinister music playing]

- So, you got it?
- Merry Christmas, Princess.

Holy sh*t.

You said you wanted
more than to use, right?

Yeah, dude.

I got to start making bank if
I'm gonna ride in style like you.

Check out this new
jam. It's the t*ts.

["Come Out and Play" by
The Offspring playing]

[police siren blaring]

Oh, sh*t.

Oh God.

[sound drops out]

- [music resumes]
- [siren blares]

["Come Out and
Play" now on radio]

[DJ] That song is 26 years old
and more relevant than ever.

With Coronavirus numbers on the rise,
they got to "keep us separated."

President Trump announced
yesterday that he'll...

- [station change squabble]
- ["High Steppin'" by the Avett Brothers]

♪ I'm a high steppin',
high bettin' ♪

♪ Love givin', I'm
a love gettin' ♪

♪ I'm a stranger, I love
stretchin' out my wheels ♪

♪ Overnightin' on the desert strip
Making time and losing grip ♪

♪ Driving circles in
the canyons of my mind ♪

♪ I'm an outsider lookin' in ♪

♪ I got a perfect square
for a circle of friends ♪

♪ It's the four of us
against the rest of you ♪

♪ But really I am all alone ♪

♪ I'd sell 'em out
to save my own ♪

♪ I told them that but
they don't buy the truth ♪

♪ I'm a high steppin',
high bettin' ♪

♪ Love givin', I'm
a love gettin' ♪

♪ I'm a stranger, I love
stretchin' out my wheels ♪

♪ Overnightin' on the desert strip
Makin' time and losin' grip ♪

♪ Drivin' circles in
the canyons of my mind ♪

♪ The best beggars
are choosers ♪

♪ The best winners are losers The
best lovers ain't never been loved ♪

♪ And first place ain't easy
The hardest part is believing ♪

♪ The very last word is love ♪

♪ I'm a high steppin',
high bettin' ♪

♪ Love givin', I'm
a love gettin' ♪

♪ I'm a stranger, I love
stretchin' out my wheels ♪

♪ Overnightin' on the desert strip
Makin' time and losin' grip ♪

♪ Drivin' circles in
the canyons of my mind ♪

Breakfast is ready!

Hey, save some of that for me.
I want some greasy eggs, too.

She who makes the
grease gets the grease.

So do we need to, uh...

- talk to God before we dig in, or...?
- No, I only pray on Tuesdays.

I like to play hard to get.

So, now that everyone's clothed and
fed and running up my water bill,

we should talk
about our next job.

Since Mother Teresa over here
will only steal from bad people,

I took the liberty of writing up
a list of douchebags in the area.

Cathy Watkins, Rooster's
old babysitter.

She was a*usive.

She stopped giving me water
after I peed in her purse.

Nah. Who else?

Joel Rubin, Rooster's teacher who
suspended him in the fourth grade.

Which is why he still
can't do short division.

- I could have been an astronaut.
- Why did he kick you out?

Well, I flicked a booger on his
back when he wasn't looking.

Look, I'm not robbing
someone because they did

something bad to Rooster in
retaliation for something he did.

Fine.

[sighs]

- Maybe we shouldn't be thinking so small.
- What do you mean?

Those politicians you mentioned

who were dumping stocks
while lying about the virus?

Turns out one of them is from around
here. Congresswoman Paula Tackleberry.

And she is loaded. If we
break into this house,

we're gonna pull more than toilet paper
and a few hundred bucks. Check it out.

- That's a Claude van Woodson.
- Looks like Siamese twins playing Twister.

It's probably worth half a million
dollars if we can get our hands on it.

Half a...

Are you serious? What
do you say, Jack?

Crooked politician lying to the people
while she cashes in. Bad enough for you?

Time's up. That's a yes.
Where does she live?

I don't know. We're gonna
have to do some research.

Oh, hold up a sec. I got an
email from Jean-Michel Ducomte.

That's her online boyfriend.

Oh, good. He got the money I
wired him. His father's sick.

He had to sell his computer
camera to pay for the dialysis.

That's the reason we've never
been able to talk face to face.

I'll read the rest of this
later. You do your thing.

Is there something wrong
with your internet?

Not unless the neighbors didn't
pay their "wee-fee" bill.

The computer in the prison
library isn't this slow.

Of course it's not. Prisoners are
probably just typing in "t*tties."

It doesn't take that long
to find some random t*tties.

She typed in a specific name. It's
going to take some time to find her.

So it always takes this long?

Yeah. I just type in my
question and then k*ll some time

while the person on the
other end looks it up.

Barb, there's no one
on the other end.

Yeah, they probably got really
fast robots looking through

phone books and encyclopedias.

Whatever. It's still a lot of phone
books for a robot to flip through.

Mommy, what are the
symptoms of the virus again?

I think we're okay as
long as he's not coughing.

Oh, sh*t. He's got the Rona.

[opening theme music]

- Are you sure this is necessary?
- We need to take you to get tested.

[Gloria] He's been breathing all
over us since we got out of prison.

We all need to get tested.

She's right. I bet the free
clinic does it for free.

Free clinic makes you
give them too much info.

I don't like the idea of the government
knowing my Social Security number.

Barb, the government already
knows your Social Security number.

Not my new one, they don't.
We'll drive to Mount Airy.

There's a place that tests
people under the table for cash.

You're going downhill fast, man.

I heard that once you lose your
sense of smell, you're done.

- Ah. Thank you.
- [Rooster farts]

What?

[gagging]

There's still hope.

[groaning]

♪ ♪

We could fill out the forms online, but
since all we have is Barb's flip phone

and the world's first computer,
we'll have to go old school.

Also, I think we were supposed
to bring an animal with us.

That makes sense.

Vets can't legally test humans, so
they got to keep up appearances.

Rooster go snag us a pet.

He has a way with animals.

The neighbors didn't let
their kids play with him,

so he spent a lot of time
bonding with the local wildlife.

He trained his cousin's
chicken to scratch his back.

- Is that what you call him Rooster?
- No.

In the kindergarten
production of Annie,

he played Miss Hannigan's
evil brother, Rooster.

He liked that name better than
his own, so I let him keep it.

What's his real name?

sh*t, it's been so long.
I want to say Paul.

There you go, little fella.

- Bird?
- Squirrel. Cute little guy.

Cough? Yes. Congestion? Yes.

Runny nose? Yes. Have you noticed a
loss of fur and or feathers recently?

- What?
- Wait a second.

Am I supposed to be asking these
questions to Jack or the squirrel?

Probably the squirrel.

I'm gonna need a new form.

Don't man-handle
that worm too much.

If it dies, I'm going to
have to dig up another one,

and I don't like washing my hands
twice in one day. It dries out my skin.

You know, she seems stressed, so I'm just
giving him or her a little head tickle.

And a foot rub.

Oh, sh*t. Look who it is.

Oh, no. Melvin, please don't.

Rooster, what's up, buddy?

Look who's ridin' shotgun who I
been having frequent sex with.

Leave it, leave it.

It's Wiggles, your old girlfriend,
in case you ain't seen.

And I've been having
frequent sex with her

- in case you ain't hear.
- She's all yours, Melvin.

My son doesn't date
strippers anymore.

That's a dumbass life choice.

I wonder if that nurse would give
us a few Q tips to take home.

I haven't been able to get out and
buy any since the pandemic hit.

Been cleaning my ears with
the eraser end of a pencil.

If I die, will you try
and contact my parents?

With what? A Ouija board? I
thought your parents were dead.

Oh, yeah, that's right. They died in
each other's arms in that tornado.

Was anything you told me while we
were dating in prison the truth?

Or did you only whisper
lies through the toilet?

I told the truth occasionally.

I only lied about my parents
to protect your feelings.

After you told me your parents were
dead, I didn't want to seem braggy.

Oh, God, I really hope I don't die.
There's so many things I wanted to do

when I finally got out of
prison. Dying was on the list,

- but it was way toward the end.
- No, you better not die. If you die,

I'm left here trying to steal from
a congresswoman with two morons.

Trust me. I'm not trying to say
you're a genius, but at least

you haven't spent your whole
life in some sh*t little town.

You lied about backpacking
through Europe, didn't you?

I'm sorry, but lying
is a slippery slope.

And I might not have lied about my
parents being dead. They probably are.

I haven't seen them in a while.

[funky music playing]

[police siren blares]

Oh, good. Jack's home. Herb,
put another pork chop on.

- Herb!
- [Herb] What?

Put your hands up. Don't move.

- Herb! Herb!
- What?

- Herb!
- What?!

- Where's Barb?
- They're not gonna give us any Q tips,

so we're gonna try and steal
some when they're not looking.

Okay. Let's try this again. Name.
What's a good name for a squirrel?

Mr. Nuts is a funny
name for a squirrel.

That is funny.

Okay. Mr. Nuts.

I woke up with a headache.
I felt a little dizzy.

I thought it might be the Rona,

so I want to make sure I
didn't give it to my pet worm.

Don't be afraid to go deep
either. I dig it. Mmm, tickly.

But in a good way. Like
a little nostril orgasm.

Is it my turn?

She has to go on the left hole

because the right one has
a tiddlywink stuck in it.

No need. Come here.

There. Now if I have
it, you have it.

We just k*lled two
birds with one Q tip.

- What's the plan?
- I thought you were coming up with a plan.

I was giving the
forms to Gloria.

You can't walk and
think at the same time?

I don't know. I never tried.

I usually sit down
when I have to think.

Aw. You get that from me.

Oh. Here she is. Let's see
where they hide the Q tips.

Sketchy looking guy
with a pet worm.

What do you think?
Does he have it?

It is decidedly so.

Holy sh*t.

They're not really
testing people.

They're taking the cash
and making up the results.

Oh, man. That sucks.

Does it? Did you see in there?

They've got cash, a laptop,
and I bet there's enough

Q tips to clean my ears till
Christmas. And the best part?

They're douchebags, so your
goody-two-shoes cell mate

will help us steal all of it.

We just found our next job.

[camera shutter snapping]

You thought this was a wise
wardrobe choice for your sentencing?

He didn't have a suit and wanted
to avoid telling his parents

where he was going today and
found this in their attic.

In their garage.

Son, have you ever heard that
marijuana is a gateway drug?

Yes, sir, but I've never
tried any other drugs.

Arlene, tell him what marijuana
is a gateway to in my court.

- Prison.
- Prison. It's a gateway to prison.

Arlene nailed it.

And the government has made my
job very easy by instituting

mandatory minimum sentences
for all drug-related crimes.

This is your second offense. The
mandatory minimum is 15 years.

And since the drugs were confiscated
within 1000 feet of a school,

that doubles it to 30 years.

Congratulations, son.
You hit the... Arlene?

- Jackpot.
- She's on fire today.

[Gloria] Shouldn't we tape down
the sides of the shower curtain?

I'm not made of tape.

Just make sure you cough, talk,
and breathe up through the flue.

Got it. Sorry. Got it.

Show him the pictures we took at the vet's
office, so he can come up with a plan.

[chuckles] That's funny. He's sending
the bat flu up the chimney flue.

Probably how it got its
name. In the Spanish flu,

I bet they put sick people in fireplaces
and made them cough up the hole.

- And so they called the hole the flue.
- That's not how...

- No.
- Really? What makes you so smart?

Well, I don't know.

I went to college, if
that's what you mean.

Oh, aren't you fancy
or full of sh*t?

Don't meet a lot of ex-cons
with college degrees.

Well, what can I say?

Some of us use our psychology
degrees to make real money instead of

helping grown men overcome
their mommy issues.

Why are you looking at me?
Mommy, why is she looking at me?

Because she thinks she's smart.

But let me ask you
something, college girl.

Did you ever take any classes
on the history of fireplaces?

- No.
- I rest my case.

So, what do you think?
You got a plan yet?

I think so.

I'll never rob places at 3:00
a.m. again. Streets are empty.

If someone sees you lurking that time
of night, they know something's fishy.

The best time to rob a business
is right after they close.

That way, if someone sees
you trying to get in,

they assume you work there
and don't call the cops.

Plus, I'm getting old
and I'm sleepy by nine.

Hmm.

- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.

I'm telling you, there's no need
to break a window or use a crowbar.

Most of your standard locks can be
picked with a couple of paper clips

or even a bobby pin, if
you know what you're doing.

See that door over there? Bet I
can pick it in less than a minute.

[funky music playing]

- Hey. What are you doing?
- Getting the good stuff.

Cracking a safe is just
listening for clicks...

doing the math...

and having a little patience.

It's been too long. I'm worried he
might have passed out or something.

- I'm going in.
- Make sure you get the Q tips.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

Is that furry nut muncher
still in my glove box?

No.

- Open it.
- Why?

Because I want to know if there's
a squirrel in my glove box.

There isn't.

Okay. Okay. There's a
squirrel in your glove box.

Damn it, Rooster. How
many times do I have to

tell you that you cannot
keep wild animals as pets?

But he wants to stay with me.

- I can see it in his eyes.
- Fine. Open the glove box.

If he wants to be your pet, there's
no point in keeping him locked up.

Okay.

See? He loves me.

- [squirrel chittering]
- [Rooster grunting, yelping]

What's taking so long?

My ears are plugged. I'm gonna need
you to listen while I spin the dial.

I'm gonna find something to
protect me from your germs.

This should work.

That was super uncool, Mommy.

[Dad] It's gonna be all
right. You're gonna be okay.

Well, that's a fly in the ointment
we're going to have to swat.

Hello?

Is anyone here? Hello?

- Hide!
- Oh, sh*t!

- Can we help you?
- Are you the doctors?

I'm a doctor. He's my son.

- How come you get to be...?
- Shh.

- I hit a squirrel.
- What kind of squirrel? Grey?

- Please tell me it's not grey.
- It's grey.

We'll do our best.

You guys still here?

- What's going on?
- What was that?

- Who's out there?
- Fine. Don't panic.

Just a couple of civilians.
I got it covered.

Get the hell away from us,
sickie. Quarantine. Quarantine.

What the hell is taking so long?

Cash is in the safe, and he's
having trouble opening it.

Forget the cash. All we
need is this laptop, right?

I can't tell if this
is Mr. Nuts or not.

I'm trying to smell his breath

for the Reese's Pieces,
but he's barely breathing.

I think we gotta give him
mouth to mouth or something.

No one is putting their lips
on that dirty-a*s tree rat.

That's how this whole
Corona thing started.

- People sucking on wild creatures.
- [knocking] Barb.

Those people out there
saw both your faces.

- This is bad.
- Relax.

We'll just wait here
a couple of minutes,

then we'll tell them we
did everything we could

- but the squirrel is in a better place.
- We can't just let him die.

You know, this is all your fault. Why
couldn't you just let me keep him?

Because every time you've kept a wild
animal as a pet, you've gotten hurt.

The raccoon gave you tetanus.

The baby deer gave you
foot and mouth disease.

That damned chicken nearly poked
your eye out when you fell asleep

and rolled over
during a back scratch.

I'm your mom, and I
need to protect you.

Hey, what was that thing you
said before about mommy issues?

- She has them, doesn't she?
- Um, actually, that would be you.

I'd say she has more of a codependent
personality with a tendency towards

control and overprotectiveness that has
resulted in your arrested development.

Oh, now you're blaming me
for him getting arrested?

No, I'm not.

You don't have to protect me anymore,
mom, and I can protect myself.

Not gonna let this
little guy die.

Oh. Good.

I could've lived
without seeing this.

Oh, sh*t. It's working.

[screaming]

- This thing's already coming in handy.
- Is he gone?

He's gone.

I'll notify the family.

Hey, Ma, come listen to
this. My lip has a heartbeat.

I'll take your word for it.

Gloria, you find any info
on the congresswoman yet?

I haven't tried. I'll
do it in the morning.

Haven't tried? What the hell have
you been doing on that thing?

Whoa. What's this?

I remember Trump on TV talking
about a way to fight this virus.

Keep it to yourself, though. I think
I only have enough of the two of us.

You're welcome.

- For what?
- I found your parents.

Seriously? They're alive?

They live in a retirement
home in San Diego.

You're not allowed to
visit because of COVID.

But I did some digging, and
your mom registered a tablet

two years ago, which means
you can video chat with them.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Hold on. No.

I just want you to tell them
if I die. I'm not ready...

I haven't talked to them
in a really long time.

- How long?
- Long.

After I went to prison, I refused
to see them. I was too ashamed.

They wrote me letters
for a while, but, uh...

after a few years of me not writing
back, the letters stopped coming.

I can't. I don't even
know what I'd say to them.

Say you've missed them. If my parents
were still here, that's what I'd say.

No, don't. Hey!
How do I stop it?

[ringing]

- Where's the mouse?
- Hello?

Hello?

Who is that?

- What's going on?
- My iTablet made a sound,

and now there's a man sitting in a
little brick house staring back at me.

Mom?

Dad?

- Jack?
- No, that's too old to be Jack.

Yeah. It's me.

It's so good to see you.

- Look at you, all grown.
- Is that your cell?

Why is it so small?
Did you misbehave?

No, I'm not in prison anymore. I'm
in a fireplace. It's a long stor...

Jack, is that a wool
sweater you're wearing?

I think so.

You know, when you were born, my
mother gave you a wool blanket.

And you had such an allergic reaction,
you ended up in the hospital.

We had to get all the
wool out of the house.

- Really cold ankles that winter.
- Allergic to wool.

Thank God.

To our health.

Hey, I'm not sick. I'm
just allergic to wool.

So tell me everything.
When did you move?

[Mom] Six months ago. I'm
already sick of the food.

And then your father said,

"What's pickleball? Sounds
like a venereal disease."

I did. I did say that.

Okay. I've probably
kept you up long enough.

I'll call you back tomorrow and we'll
pick up where we left off, okay?

- You promise you're going to call?
- Yeah, I promise.

- I love you.
- We love you, too, Jackie boy.

Can you hang up? I'm still trying
to figure out these buttons.

- Trying.
- No. No, stop.

It's not. It's on the left.

Stop.

[upbeat acoustic guitar plays]

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome...

Do you own a car? Would
you rather have to...

Get back in the saddle.

A local veterinary
clinic has found itself

in a dog bowl full of
hot water this morning

after administering
fake COVID tests

and determining results
via magic eight ball.

Baby, come look at this. This
news lady has the earrings I want.

I was a little suspicious
when my first test came back

"Reply hazy. Try again."

But when the second test came back
"Outlook good," I didn't question it.

Then I woke up this morning to
an envelope taped to my mailbox.

Had the cash in it that
I paid for the test

and a note saying
it was all fake.

So I called the police.
The worst part is

I sent a lot of my friends
there to get tested, and...

Well, I guess it wasn't
decidedly so after all.

Why do you have a picture
of Rooster's pecker?

I'm sorry. Who's
pecker is that?

["Do It Daily" by
Martin Sexton playing]

♪ Like shavin' your face
Takin' out the trash ♪

♪ And knowin' your pace ♪

♪ Spending all your
cash on your baby ♪

♪ Do it daily ♪

♪ Like walkin' the dog
Cleanin' up the mess ♪

♪ 'Til you go off to work
And make a good guess ♪

♪ At what you won and lost ♪

♪ And do it daily ♪

♪ If you're gonna do it at
all You gotta do it daily ♪

♪ ♪

- I have a job interview today.
- You're kidding.

- For what?
- Oh, you're going to love this.

In prison I got a
teaching degree online,

and there's an opening
at the local high school.

How is any of this boring sh*t
going to help us figure out how to

break into this woman's house
and steal that painting?

See these security
cameras inside her house?

They're everywhere
and they're wireless.

We tap into her WiFi, and we got 24
hours surveillance inside her home.

Hey, Ma.

You still got that g*n that
I got you for Mother's Day?

It's in my underwear
drawer. Why?

♪ ♪

Waaaa-hoo! [sniffles]