01x03 - Lipstick & Nits

[bunniefuu]

[man and woman moaning]

-Oh yeah!
-Oh yeah!

We really shouldn't be
doing this in my front drive.

[moaning continues]

[man finishes moaning]

Great.

[both groan]

Look at that.

Most girls don't have a rig
like yours when they're 40.

Oh well, I'm 39,
but thanks.

Trust me,
you're looking good.

Okay.

Yeah, oh yeah, you gotta get
the outside one. It's an old
car.

Oh okay, thank you.

-So, that's your bag.
-Oh thank you.

[car starts and revs]

♪ I'm like a candle burning
End to end ♪

-[Matt] So, how'd you go?
-[Lauren] Hey.

Good date?

Oh yeah, well no,
he's a bit of a twat.

Ah, well at least you're

putting yourself out there

trying to meet someone.

Yeah, well that's not really

what I'm trying to do but--

Still, it's more
than I've done.

Well, thank you
for baby-sitting.

Nah, all good.

It's the least I can do,

considering you're taking care
of the divorce settlement

for me and Tash.

Yeah, and I might
have a quick shower,

and then we can have a quick
rundown of your joint assets.

-Yeah.
-Grab a beer.

Okay, thanks.

Oh I tried to get the
dishwasher going before

but it wouldn't start. You
want me to have a look at it?

Ah no, just leave it.

[Matt] All good,
I'll have a squiz.

[shower running]

[Matt] sh*t! Lauren!?

What?

I'm coming.

[Matt] Lauren,
where's the water mains?

[water gushing]

Oh no!

[Matt] Loz,
where's the water...

Soft c*ck! Soft c*ck!

[Matt] A what c*ck?

Soft c*ck!

I got it, I got it.

Just... Ah sorry...

Sorry!

I thought I knew what
I was doing, but I didn't.

At least I don't have to wash
the kitchen floor now.

-Yeah.
-[Lauren sighs]

That's a, nice towel.

-Very wet.
-Yeah.

Um, I'm handling
your divorce.

-You are aren't you.
-Hmm.

[upbeat music]

[both moaning]

Wow!

I did not see that coming.

[laughs]

No, no.

Are you okay?

Sorry, ow, dead arm!

Ah sorry.

Well, that is one way
to get back on the horse.

Are you calling
me a horse?

No, metaphorically
you're a horse.

You're not horsey.

I am a bit horsey.
I am English.

No you're not.

Listen I, I don't want you
to think that this was

just some kind
of wham bam...

..thank you ma'am!

Oh, yeah.

I don't want you to think
I'm some kind of player.

No, I didn't
think that at all.

Yeah. I mean obviously you
went out on a date tonight.

Yeah, don't remind me.

But, have you actually slept
with anyone since Jake or?

-Since Jake?
-Hmm.

Ahh...

It's just I've
found it quite...

I haven't had sex with anyone
since Tash and I split so...

-Wow, okay.
-Yeah.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

-No not me.
-No, it's hard isn't it?

Yeah it is hard, it's hard.

-Being intimate.
-Being intimate and um...

-Hmm.
-Vulnerable.

-Vulnerable? It is, yeah.
-Yeah.

It's so hard.

[upbeat music]

[alarm chimes]

[birds call]

[juicer starts]

[chicken clucks]

[Jake] Watch your back,
watch your back.

[Nancy] Pop those
chickpeas in.

Thank you.

[Jake] There you are Angus.

What?

Hi!

Angus, I see you've met.

I wonder where
she'd gotten to.

Ah, this is you.

Yeah, well I thought I'd
get a, a pet for the girls.

You know, teach them
some responsibilities.

You thought you'd get them
this chicken for my place

to teach them responsibility,

and you called her Angus.

Well I didn't buy her.

She's actually
a rescue chicken.

And, I don't know,
Angus is a really strong name.

She'd feel empowered.

[Nancy] My brother and his wife

actually have a whole
coop in Brunswick.

They make really good pets.

[Jake] And I can't have
pets at my place,

and Nancy's cat Fabian
probably wouldn't be too happy.

No.

It's good to think
about Fabian's needs,

but I, who am not a cat,
have needs too, Jake,

and what I do not
need is a chicken!

Can you not shout around it?

It's just probably
a bit traumatised.

It's unlikely
to lay eggs again.

Why are you here?

[Jake] Well you told me

to drop the girls off
to school today.

Yes, I said drop the
girls off at school.

Not come around to my house,

let yourself in at seven
o'clock in the morning.

Start making, what, a weeks
worth of bloody hummus.

Oh, and by the way,

don't suppose you can
bring me a f*cking chicken!

[Jake] All right! Okay!

Can, can I take the chicken?

Yes, take the chicken.

[cooker dings]

Oh, Jake's made his
famous pita bread.

[children exclaim]

-Yummy!
-Watch your back, it's hot.

Wait, Ellia has to
sit in the front.

She gets car sick at the back.

You had her sitting
in the back with us.

Right, well maybe
just for today,

Ellia can sit in
the back with you.

But she gets car sick.

Well, so do I and I'm
a grown up real person.

So can I sit in the front?
Thank you.

It's okay Lola,
I can sit in the middle,

and Ellia can sit by the
window to get some air.

[upbeat music]

[Lauren sighs]

[phone chimes]

Have a good day, Angus.

Hey, morning.

Hi, is that a chicken?

Yep. That is a chicken.

Are we doing a spell?

-[Alex] Crumbs, Lauren. Crumbs.
-[Phone Rings]

Lauren Davies, Cook and Cook.

[Nathan] Hi, it's Nathan.

Nathan who? Sorry.

[Nathan] It's Nathan Bolton.

Dirty car sex! Dirty car sex!

[Nathan] Hello? Sorry,
did you say dirty?

-Sorry. That was my assistant.
-Associate!

[Nathan] Hey listen,
can we grab a coffee?

There's something I
need to talk to you about.

Um, Yeah. Yeah. Why not?

[Nathan] This morning?
It's kind of important.

No, I can't do this morning.
Tomorrow?

[Nathan] Yeah, okay.

[phone chimes]

Oh, hi Matt. Hi.

[Matt] Hi. I'm at your office,
I've got you a coffee.

Oh, thank you.

We won't be long. Bye.

[Alex] He got you a coffee?

What surprising,
unwarranted attention.

[upbeat music]

-Hi, you look great.
-Aw, thank you.

Oh, I love this.

Thanks Tash.

God, I wish I could
wear that colour.

Oh, do you remember Alex?

Yes, of course.

At Lola's birthday?

Yep. Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, sorry.

Well, no, you go. Great.

Thanks again for doing this.

We really appreciate it.

No, honestly.

Why make things more
complicated than they need to
be?

Flat white. That's got
only half a sugar in it.

Oh!

Do you want half of this Tash?

I don't need all of it.

Yeah, I'll split it.
That's half there.

That's a bit more than half.

So um, you got the
settlement agreement,

we'll just have a read through,

see if you've got any
questions,

and then we can,
we can all sign.

[Simon] Hey, Lauren.
Someone's in reception for you.

It's the Nathan Bolton.

Oh.

So thanks, Tash. Thanks.

I'll see you, see you soon.

-The Nathan Bolton?
-Yeah.

So he's the highest scoring
soccer player of all time.

Mate, just seriously.

Everything you're doing in the
commentary area is fantastic,

and all of your charity stuff.

Don't suppose you're going to
release a pop song anytime
soon?

Okay. No thanks.

I'm going to get out of here.

Lauren, I need to
have a quick word.

Got time for a coffee?

Yeah, I could do
with half a coffee.

I'll just grab my things.

[Lauren] Soccer is
different from AOL?

AFL. That's Australian
Football League.

That's not soccer.

Thank you.

So um, I've got
quite a hectic day.

Right um,
so this is something

you're probably not
going to want to hear.

Okay.

I got a message from someone,

someone else I slept with
a while ago,

telling me that
she has chlamydia.

Please tell me that's
her daughter's name.

No, Lauren.

It's an STI.

Yeah, that was a joke.

See, the thing is,

I don't know if I
definitely have it.

And it'd be hard for me
to go to a doctor

and get tested
because I'd get recognised.

Right.

'Cause I'm kind of...

well known.
-Well known.

Yeah. So you
haven't been tested.

I was thinking
if you got tested,

then I'd know for sure.

Right.

Because if she has it,
and so you do,

then chances are I do too.

Okay.

So you want me to get tested
to work out whether or not

you've got it.

[Nathan] Yeah.

Okay.

Just trying to do
the right thing here.

That does seem
incredibly moral of you.

So, thank you.

Yeah.

It's not my fault.

I just, I just love women.

I'm a sex addict.

Right. Yes.

Well done.

See the thing is,
I really can't get tested.

Yes. Nathan,
just go to the doctor.

I mean, what's the matter?

The next thing you'll tell me--

He's f*cking married.

I thought you were
doing background checks.

Bloody hell, Alex.

Well, I didn't
get around to it.

He seemed too hot
to be actually married.

Maybe it's an open marriage.

I've had sex with a married,
famous football player.

Soccer, soccer player.

Whatever. Married. Famous.

Who's possibly given
me chlamydia.

Where's the due diligence,
Alex?

I'd happily get chlamydia
from Nathan Bolton.

I'd get leprosy
from Nathan Bolton.

Oh well,
look on the bright side.

What bright side?

Maybe a whack of antibiotics
will clear up that UTI?

I don't have a UTI, Alex.

Really?

No, but if I do have chlamydia,

then I've got to tell
everyone I've slept with too.

Luckily you have me,
we have the spreadsheet.

Okay.

What do I have to do to
test for chlamydia, anyway?

It's super easy. It's just
a little wee-wee test.

Okay.

And a scrape of the cervix.

[Helena] Chlamydia?

Shh. Okay. No need to shout.

Keep your voice down.

Christ Lauren,
you've got the clap.

No, I haven't got the clap.

That's gonorrhoea.

-Have you got that, too?
-[Lauren] No.

Are you sure?

I don't have chlamydia.

I haven't got the
results back yet.

And we did. We did.
We did use a condom.

Oh, you've definitely got it.
Oof chlamydia. Hang on.

What do you want Rosa,
Cheerios?

Look, my friend at work got
it, and she used a condom.

So, yeah, you've probably.

Oh Lord.

How's it feel then to be
a dirty trollop, I mean?

Well, I don't know
if it's psychosomatic,

but I'm itching like crazy.

[Carol] Why are you itchy,
darling?

[Helena] Good morning Mum,
hi Dad.

[Lauren] Oh, hi Mum, hi.
Hello Dad.

[Roger] Isn't this nice,
all together.

Yes, lovely. I didn't
realise...

Sorry, what's that? Your
father was talking over you.

No, I wasn't.
She wasn't talking.

What time is it
over there, boss?

I don't know the
exact time, it's dark.

Darling, you don't have

that terrible yeast
infection again, do you?

No Mum, I don't have
a yeast infection.

I've never had a--

Well, you do look tired.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

[Helena] Yeah,
you do look tired.

Okay. Bye.

I don't have chlamydia.

[upbeat music]

Hi Mum, just need to poo.
How are you?

Hi baby, I'm just in
the shower. Won't be a sec.

[yells] Stop Abby,
I'm in the shower!

Sorry.

Mum. Can I have caviar
for lunch today?

How do you even know
what caviar is?

Nan gave it to her
at Christmas.

[Lauren] She did?

So can I have it for lunch?

No, surprisingly, I don't
have any caviar. So, no.

But Marcus asked for caviar.

He said he wouldn't
be my friend anymore

if I don't give him caviar.

Who's Marcus?

Chloe and Amanda too.

Nancy's made a weeks worth
of quite dry and lumpy hummus.

So we'll be
having that, instead.

I'm done.
I need some toilet paper.

Okay, Abby, can you
get some toilet paper?

[phone chimes]

Mum, toilet paper!

[yells] Abby!

Okey-doke.

Come on, let's keep
those legs together,

we don't know if
this thing's airborne.

Here we go.
Patient zero, Nathan Bolton.

And this is who we have
to get back to, yeah?

So I've organised by date.

And if we work backwards
from your latest hook-up,

all we need to do

is pop them into the
anonymous group message, here.

Group message.

Anonymous. It's a 'burner'.

Are we in an episode
of The Wire?

You know,
I couldn't get into it.

Just stick with it.
You get used to the language.

Okay, so, here we go.

Guido, foreign firemen,


Oh my god, I forgot about him.
The crier.

Craig, stoned kick-boxer.

Oh, I blocked him too. This
is actually quite confronting.

Yeah. Well, I mean, this is
only the last two weeks.

Remember Sir Cumalot?

Oh god, no, please.

Ian, quantity surveyor.
Nimesh, the barista.

Trevor, barista.
Spiro, barista.

Barrister.

Okay, I knew that,
that was just a typo.

Bazza, furniture importer.

Okay.

And Wayne the busker,
with the trumpet.

Oh yes I remember.
Yeah. Yeah.

And that brings us
back to the 23rd.

The date you shagged the famous
married sports commentator

in the front seat
of his sports car.

Yes, I had quite crammed
sex with Nathan and then...

Umm!

What?

Matt!

I knew it. I knew it.
"I got you a coffee".

Seemed unusually nice
for a straight man.

Yeah. And I told him I hadn't
slept with anyone since Jake.

f*ckity f*ck f*ck f*ck!

[gentle music]
[chicken clucks]

A lady told me
to give you this.

What lady?

The one at school
who gives me food.

I can't read it.

Oh crikey Lola,
it's a bill for $120.

You've ordered
canteen lunches all week.

Yes, because Marcus
didn't like my lunch.

He asked for caviar, remember?

Is Marcus in your class?

No. Anyway, it's not just him.

It's Chloe and Amanda
and Isabel and

Applesauce and Rocket,
as well.

Hang on, are these friends
like Ellia is your friend?

Yeah, they're friends
with Ellia, too.

And they told you to
throw away your lunch?

They don't like Nancy's hummus.
Well, they did use to.

But then Nancy said Ellia
couldn't sit in the front

of Daddy's car
and she gets car sick.

Maybe Nancy didn't realise.

You should always
tell the truth.

I know it's hard sometimes,
but it's important. Okay?

Why don't we have a tea party
tomorrow for all your friends?

And we can have Dad
and Nancy over too, yeah?

Can we have caviar?

I thought I might bake.

They really like caviar.

I might bake as well.

If you have to. But use
real vanilla beans, okay?

Okay.

Takies.

Okay, so I've sent
the group message.

All you need to
do is call Matt.

Hm-hm.

Like right now.

Can I have one of your
beta blockers please?

Absolutely not. Chop, chop.

Ah,

okay, Matt.

Call.

Speaker.

[phone ringing]

[Matt] Hi, listen can I just,
I'm just--

Hi Matt, hi. Sorry to bother
you.

I need to talk to you about
something.

Okay, it's just,
I'm actually on a date.

Can I call you tomorrow?
Sorry.

Oh, oh no.

Hang on. Oh, bye.

He's on a date.

Yep.

He's going to call me tomorrow.

No, I did hear that.

It was on speakerphone.
Okay. Well, okay.

You have to call him tomorrow
and that's the end of it.

But that, that's not
the end of it.

Thanks to me,
he's back on a horse.

What if he sleeps with her?

He'll wear a condom.
He's an adult.

It doesn't matter.
Nathan did.

It's, it's all about juices
and membranes and things.

Okay. Yeah, okay,
call him back.

[Matt] Hey, you've called Matt.

Oh, it's voicemail.

Leave a message, what are
you doing? Leave a message.

Hi Matt. It's Lauren Davies.

We spoke earlier.

I'm just calling.

I know you're on a date.
It's actually about said date.

If you could get back to me
ASAP, that would be fantastic.

Thank you.
Thanks for your time.

Bye. Bye, bye, bye.

Beautiful, Lauren Davies.
Very professional.

Let's just hope he calls back.

Otherwise you'll have to add
super spreader to your resume,

and a family law expert.
Cheers.

[jaunty music]

[knock on door]

Abby, can you get the door?

Hey.

Oh hey.

I didn't know you baked.

Someone's birthday or
you're just practising?

No, we're having a tea party,
but they didn't go quite--

I thought I should come
and see you in person.

I got your voicemails. Seven.

Yeah, sorry about that. Yeah.

Yeah, no, yeah,
no it's, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to
intrude on your date.

No no, I should have
spoken to you.

I've been meaning to
speak to you about us.

Right.

Yeah.

But I got the impression
that you weren't as keen.

No. Yeah.
Well, I mean, it's just...

Just?

I'm really happy
you went on a date.

Right.

Yeah. Just your voicemails.

You said.

Did you sleep with her?

Did you have sex on your date?

Sorry. You just said

that you were happy
that I went on a date.

I've got chlamydia.

You've got?

I've got chlamydia.

What? When?

Yeah, I apologise.

You told me that I was
the first one since Jake.

Yeah, I lied.

Did you?

Because you said you
hadn't slept with anyone

and I didn't want you
to feel pathetic.

Cheers for that.

I only just found out and
I really don't want to be

a super spreader.

Super spreader. Wow.

You really are sleeping
with a lot of people.

Look, I didn't
sleep with my date--

[Jake] Matty!

Hey man,
how are you going bro?

I didn't know you were coming.

Good to see ya.

-Hey Loz.
-Hey.

Do you want a beer?

No, I've got to...

Did you see the game last
night?

No, it was a good game though?

-It was awesome.
-Yeah.

How've you been? I haven't
seen you in yonks bro.

Ah Yonkytonks.

[laughs] Yonkytonks.

Hi, I was just trying
out a new tray.

Oh, well, sorry.

I just know not everyone
loves to bake,

so I just whipped
these out, luckily.

Yeah. Put them here.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

[upbeat music]

[cuckoo cuckoo]

So good.
Will he come out again?

Yeah, every hour.

It's so much fun.

Matt, you sit there.

Yeah. Good. Okay.
This is great.

How's it going out there, bro?

Where, outside?

Out there, you know, are you
back on the horse again? Or?

Oh yeah, yeah.
No, a bit. Not really.

Matt, you've got
to get out there.

Maybe not totally out there,
[laughs] but, out there!

Caviar, Nancy?

Oh no. Thank you.

Wow. We're feeding them
caviar now, are we?

It's Marcus's favourite.

And it's lumpfish eggs,
not bloody beluga!

So Lola, is this
Ellia sitting here?

Yeah. Ellia. You know,
who gets car sick.

And that's Lipstick.

-Lipstick!
-Lipstick?

Yeah. She's 39 and her
favourite things are wine and
chlamydia.

[bottle clanks on table]

-sh*t, sorry.
-Wow!

-Do you have anything
absorbent? -Yeah, I'll get
something.

[upbeat music]

Excellent.

Now I've got lots of caviar
to go with all the hummus.

That'll keep us in
lunches for a while.

Mm, yummy.

Oh, Hey.

I've been meaning to ask you.

Have you seen my swimming
pool membership card?

No.

[phone chimes]

[Jake] Oh sh*t.

Ah, there's nits again
in Lola's class.

Honey, we should take off.

We've got, we've got
the thing. So we better.

Did you want that last one?

[Jake] Bye girls.

-You do?
-Yes, thank you.

Loz, just keep
an eye out, okay?

Yep, okay.

I think Angus has nits, too.

Nah, chickens can't get nits.
She probably has fleas.

Brilliant.

[phone chimes]

[mellow music]

[Lauren] "Much older lady".

Much older? Not much.
I'm older, not, much...

[phone chimes]

Matt, hi.

Oh hey, I was just going
to leave a message.

Well, I'm here. Hi.

Yeah I just wanted to apologise

for spilling beer
all over the tea party.

No, don't worry.
It was fine.

Honestly, especially
considering the--

Nah, it's all right. I've had
the treatment so it's all good.

-Good.
-Easy peasy.

Great. There was one
other thing um...

Ah, I don't suppose you
have an itchy head?

-What?
-No, you don't!

-No!
-Great.

-What?
-Bye.

Bye.

Ah, good.

[chicken clucks]

Angus!

Clever girl.

[chicken clucks loudly]