02x02 - Such Faithful Girls

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong language, adult
humour, and some scenes of a sexual nature

-Come on, you haven't told us the story yet. We need all the details.
-He said, "OK, then."

-That's so hot. Did he get on one knee?
-No.

-Did he get out a ring?
-No.

Well, that doesn't matter,
it's brilliant news.

I'm so happy for you.

Don't you ruin
this for me, Josie.

You'd love to ruin my
engagement dinner, wouldn't you?

Sorry.

Do you think Dev's
been acting a bit odd?

He's not said
anything all dinner.

He's been in the
bathroom for 20 minutes.

I don't know, girls.

The most important thing is
not to ask him any questions.

Men don't like it when
you ask questions.

That's why they
don't ask us any.

They're leading by example.

Are you OK, Dev?

Something's been
bothering me, Deb,

and I've just got to
come out and say it.

Spencer's not dead, is he?

You lied to me, didn't you?

-I said we were separated.
-Separated by death.

You took me to his
grave. How could you?

Congratulations!

Here's to forever.

Speaking as a married man,

you two are in for the
adventure of a lifetime.

♪ Everybody in love

♪ Come put your hands up. ♪

Come on, Dev, hands up!

I just don't know any more.

That's not how it goes.

I really hoped he'd
pay for this one.

What's going on with your face?

I'm happy.

f*cking hell.

The state of it.

A medical mystery,

like your mouth's
doing the right thing,

but your eyes are trying
to call the Samaritans.

Happy?

Troubling.

-OK, stop, it's scary.
-I can't help it.

I'm in love.

Charlie's perfect.

How have you been avoiding Seb?

I've been telling him I've
been going to Book Club.

Imagine? Imagine
me reading a book?

Having an affair
is a proper thrill,

cos it's like a
victimless crime.

Well, apart from his ugly wife.

She probably knows deep down
that this day would come.

If you look like
that, compared to me.

And we're kissing loads.

Yeah, me and Charlie too.

There's that smile again.

Stop it, it's scary.

Good evening!

God, it's so strange you
being the depressed one.

-You're right, it is pathetic.
-I'm not depressed.

I've just got no energy and
everything seems pointless.

It's not depression,
it's just being tired.

Oh, well, right,
sorry, my mistake.

Well, at least you're
still getting married.

And we're all still moving into
the massive house, aren't we?

I don't know.

Well...

...try not to
think too much, OK?

Like you said, your
brain's the enemy.

And if you smiled a bit more,

maybe you'd be better
at keeping your man!

A bit like me.

Well, good luck, I'm
off to Book Club.

Josie, do you think I'm thick?

What sort of a book
club starts at 10pm?

It's a late night one.

If you're going to have an affair,
you need to get better at lying.

We need Seb.

He is the sole man
bringing home the bacon.

You lying on your back
and thinking of England

is a noble sacrifice
for our mortgage.

He's not going to find out.

I don't care which sad l*sbian
with a bowl cut you're fingering.

If Seb finds out,
we are all f*cked.

The walls are f*cking caving in.

Oh, was that hole always there?

- WHISPERS: - I hate you.

Ready to die?

What the f*ck?!

Oh, sorry.

That's weird.

-Promotion at work.
-You're up early.

Me and Graham have to f*ck
really early in the morning,

while he still has the
energy to get hard.

-Seb tried to k*ll me.
-What?

-In his sleep.
-Seb tried to k*ll you in your sleep?

No, he tried to k*ll me in - his
- sleep. There's a difference.

His subconscious is onto me.

This is the problem with
dating a younger man.

Older men haven't got
time for all this bullshit

because they're busy
knocking on death's door.

Honestly, it's so refreshing.

None of those expectations
younger men have on us, you know.

Oh, can you hand me the
razor? He likes me bald.

Seb's not actually
going to k*ll me, is he?

You'd love that, wouldn't you?

What's the time?

It's just gone eight.

sh*t, I'm pushing my luck.

That'll have to do.

I don't want to spend the
day thumbing in a softie.

You got back late from
Book Club last night.

You must be knackered.

Are the books too long?

It was a gripping session.

Must be some hot, hot
takes you're having.

The last thing I read was
Pride and Prejudice at school.

One of these days,
I'll come with you.

-It's women only.
-Oh, yeah.

You have told me that,
first day at work jitters.

Haven't been sleeping
very well, you know.

Can't sleep unless I orgasm.

Perhaps you could masturbate.

What a waste.

Not since we're married.

Would feel like
adultery. I shalt not!

I think I'll save it all
up for my beloved wife,

thank you very much.

Will I see you tonight?

Sorry, it's Book Club again.

Again?

Goodness me, what
are you reading?

Pride and Prejudice.

Wow.

Well, I won't come, then.

I've already read that.

Tell Dev I'm f*cking thriving.

You can tell him yourself,
he's picking me up.

DOORBELL RINGS

-f*ck!
-Kisses!

See you when you get back, baby.

-Ready, Seb?
-Won't be as exciting as the casino.

A blessed relief. I'm
a businessman now.

I'm out of the gambling business
and into the business business.

Gambling never made sense to me.

-Life's risky enough as it is.
-I know.

There's a slight chance you won't
win, which must be stressful.

Well, I think gambling is sexy.

You could lose,

or you could win everything.

Deb, you look amazing.

I always do.

But a minute ago,
you looked awful.

I thought you might
like this back.

It's dead, by the way.

-Is it?
-Sorry.

Is it definitely dead or alive?

Are you sure?

Were you just telling me it's
dead when really it's still alive?

I don't know.

-Oops.
-No, it's still alive.

Just needs a bit of charge.

Abandoned again.

But at least I've got my daughter
to keep me company today.

Block out all those
dark thoughts.

Sorry, I've got plans.

FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

Huh.

I just feel like your
heart isn't in this.

No, no, I love it.

Please continue.

You're thinking about your
ugly wife, aren't you?

I'm starting to worry this
might not be fair to her.

-You don't even kiss.
-Well, yeah.

I feel like that's
crossing a line.

You're scared of her.

How pathetic.

Being scared of a woman.

A stupid woman.

She's a neurosurgeon.

And don't we all know it?

She touches people every day.

She's probably been inside
more men than you know.

That's not fair to you.

-Kiss me. -No.
-Right, I give up.

All right, all right,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I know we were really
excited about this affair,

but I just don't know
if I have it in me.

This isn't an affair.

Affairs are in hotels and sh*t,
not your stupid wife's car.

This is a waste of my time.

You can suck yourself
off from now on.

No, no, Billie, don't go.

I'm sorry, you're right.

You're a princess.

You deserve a castle.

I'll book the Holiday Inn.

Tonight.

But that's far too late
for you to get an erection.

I'll do my best.

Well...

...Prince Charming.

Now, stop whimpering so
I can finish you off.

Well, well, well.

So we finally meet.

You're late. Wasn't sure
you were going to make it.

Oh, kept you waiting, did I?

Well, I've done two years of
that on your waiting list.

A lovely taste of your own medicine
doesn't slip down too easy, does it?

The NHS mental health service

is doing everything
it possibly can

to cope with
astronomical strain.

Well, too little, too
late. And guess what?

I'm fine now, so
egg on your face.

You can't handle me at my worst,

you don't deserve me
at my medicated best.

You can shove this appointment
up your underfunded arse.

I've got a girlfriend
now, she makes me happy.

I'd much rather talk
about her, to be honest.

I think it's best if we focus on
discussing your mental health.

Nope. No point. It's
Charlie's problem now.

And don't bother keeping
my number on the system.

If we break up, I
won't be coming back,

cos I'll definitely
have k*lled myself.

You're having suicidal thoughts?

Er, yeah!

Who doesn't? You're telling
me some people don't?

And that's only if we break up.

-Are you saying you have a plan?
-Oh, yeah.

I've got to have a plan.

You'll find me floating
down the Thames

with my goodbye note
stapled to my chest.

Let society see what they
did to their bravest soldier.

-You have a note?
-Yeah, but don't worry,

it's laminated, so
it won't get soggy.

Anyway, I just came here
to say that I'm happy now,

and I don't need these
anti-depressants.

I'm at peace now.

I'm happy!

Sorry.

I'm happy.

Back in a minute.

Hmm.

This is Doctor Rajni. He'll
be asking you some questions.

Do you want to hear
about my girlfriend too?

Uh, filing cabinets.

Staples.

Be careful, they know
how many's in there.

Wow.

The corporate rat
race in full flow.

So, what do you actually do?

Er, communications.

Bloody brilliant.

What's communications?

Well, our department is
responsible for developing

an internal
communications strategy

that aligns with external
corporate communications.

And as of the work drinks tonight,
I am being promoted to team leader

of external corporate
communications.

Yeah, I mean, when I put it like
that, it does sound rather dull.

I think this is the
best job I've ever had.

It's funny, I didn't
think I'd still be here.

I was just supposed
to be a summer job.

How long have you been here?



That is a long summer.

There she is.

The reason I do it
all. My loving wife.

You're bringing Josie tonight?

God, I wish.

It's that bloody
Book Club again.

Every night she comes
back smelling of academia.

Tongue so tired from
discourse she can't even kiss.

It's not right, God bless her.

I'll be lucky to ever
see her before midnight,

that little book-loving worm.

A bit late for a book club.

-What do you mean?
-Well, I just think...

Don't believe everything
you hear from that family.

You think I should go to the
Book Club and scope it out?

I mean, one minute they say
they've got a dead husband,

and then the next thing
you know, he's alive.

I mean, maybe they're
all just liars!

-You OK?
-I'm sorry.

Of course Josie is not
lying, I'm just miserable.

I miss Deb.

Everything seems
meaningless without her.

I mean, she looks fantastic.

Tell me, was this
morning just a show...

...or is she really
better off without me?

There's no easy way
to tell you this, Dev.

She's f*cking thriving.

BEEPING

Sorry, it's not going through.

-Have you tried wiping the chip?
-Have you tried winding your neck in?

Ahem.

I'll get that for you.

-Jamie.
-Debbie, long time, no see.

What's it been? Two years?

-You look so different.
-Well...

It's amazing what a haircut
and a bit of luck can do.

-Right, well, best be off.
-It's mainly money.

But not before I catch
up with an old friend.

You having a party tonight?

Not exactly.

Well, if you fancy
some company...

No, thank you, I'm engaged.

-Well, actually, I'm not sure any more.
-You're not sure?

Well, let me know if you'd ever
like to be sure about something.

BEEPING

Oh!

Thank you, Jamie.

Actually, er, I go by James now.

What, like James Bond?

SHE LAUGHS

Here's your thrush cream.

It's for Josie.

It's going to be
really awkward for you

if my girlfriend
comes to pick me up.

We're not here to talk
about your girlfriend.

You do believe I've got a
girlfriend, though, don't you?

Look, we're really
here to discuss ways

we can help you during crisis.

I'm not in crisis.

I've got a girlfriend.

You're going to be so embarrassed
for making me stay here.

You don't have to stay.

This is a voluntary section,
you can leave any time.

Right.

Well, I was going to
go, but now I won't,

because I think you think
my girlfriend isn't real.

Would you like us to call her?

Yes, please.

What? Jamie?

I always thought you ruled him
out because of his pathetic salary

and dry, red scalp.

Yeah, well, now
that he's got money,

his dandruff and
disturbing behaviour

are actually rather sexy.

What, so you fancy
him cos he's loaded?

Darling, at my age,
it's one or the other

and if it's a choice between the
two, I know which one I prefer.

Money can't pop out for
teabags and never come back.

Well, I'm happy for you.

Do you know how
he made his money?

He said it was a bit of luck,

and I don't need to
know any more than that.

As I said, darling, men don't like
it when you ask them questions.

His business is
none of my business.

Good for you.

Oh, I don't know.
What about Dev?

Oh, move on! It's pathetic now!

As far as I'm concerned,
your relationship

is as dead as his dead wife.

You're like this hole.

You need f*cking filling.

I do.

I do need filling.

Yes, you do. For God's sake,
look at yourself, woman.

Depression.

Mascara down your face,
tracksuit bottoms.

Unshaved armpits.

You know who you are.

Oh, my God.

I'm Josie!

-Go, Mum, before it's too late.
-Thank you, Billie.

I am so proud of you.

The big promotion,
your independence.

And, best of all,
for not being Josie.

Right, I'm off out!

Where are you going?

Work again. Oh,
I'm a workaholic.

Shouldn't you be in costume?

Yeah.

You're right, yeah, sorry.

Hello, checking in.

Surname, Woman.
First name, Arthur.

That's not my real name.

It's Mr...

Actually, I don't know
what his fake name is,

but his real name
is Graham Campbell.

And do you need his
National Insurance number?

You have to give me a
second to open my database.

No need. Mr Campbell's
not here yet.

-But you can go up to the room.
-Thanks.

We're having an affair.

So I suppose you're wondering
how I made all my money.

No, of course not, not at all.

I've got a lot of
fingers in a lot of pies.

Mainly crypto, to be honest.

Some investments.

I've got a lot of money on
a lot of different horses.

Wow.

And horses are expensive.

I bet you're wondering,
what's crypto?

Well, p*ssy Galore,

if I told you,

I'd have to k*ll you.

It's risky, but, uh,

I guess I'm just one
of life's winners.

Should we split this?

I'm joking!

Imagine. Put your card
away, you crazy woman.

Fantastic plastic.

That's...

...my wallet.

I know.

I got a call from the hospital.

BANGING

Oh, it's you!

Yes, it's me.

Well, well, well.

Here she is, everyone.

Are you feeling embarrassed now?

Egg on all your faces.

Can I speak to you in private?

Um, no, I think all the
nurses should hear this.

Well, maybe they should
hear this, actually, um...

Do you think I'm
your girlfriend?

Oh, sorry, you're
not keen on labels.

You follow me into
art school every day,

you find out what
club nights I go to,

and you stare at me for hours,
and then you follow me home.

I don't even want to know
how you've got my number.

This is all in your head, OK?

I'm not your girlfriend.

But what about all the yearning,

the way we stare at each
other across the lecture hall?

I was trying to work
out how you got in.

You're not even a student!

Look, just to be really clear,
we are not in a relationship.

She's right, actually.

We're more casual.

I told you I'd take
you to a casino, p*ssy.

Right...

A couple of spins and
then back to mine, OK?

Wow, it's nothing
like in the movies.

Let's put it all on black.

It's a fruit machine.

FRUIT MACHINE MUSIC

Oh!

Right, let's go.

No, I'm feeling
lucky, let's go again.

FRUIT MACHINE MUSIC

Oh, 50 quid!

-Again.
-Are you sure?

Again. We can't lose.

You've already won quite a lot
already, maybe we should...

I'm James f*cking Bond.

FRUIT MACHINE MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

Hard luck, mate.

You f*cking, f*cking, f*cking
stupid, stupid, f*cking...

f*ck you! Aargh!

f*ck you! What?

What? Don't touch me! I
didn't do anything wrong!

Oh, Billie, I'm so, so sorry.

It's my wife.

Her mother's very sick and,
well, she's had a fall.

Suspected blood on the brain.

I had to help take her
into intensive care.

And, obviously, my
wife's on the list.

Will you stop talking
about your f*cking wife?

Honestly, you're
obsessed with her.

You're right.

I'm so sorry.

No more about my wife.

Uh, sh*t, er, let me just
change out of this shirt.

Still got a bit of
blood on the collar.

-Um...
-Let me help you.

Oh.

PHONE RINGS

Mm.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Oh, God.

Yeah, of course.

No, they can't catheter her.

She'd get another UTI.

She won't handle
the antibiotics.

Yeah.

Yes, of course.

Be there in a sec.

You're leaving me?

Um, look, I might
be back tonight,

but I'm not sure. My wife...

-You promised you'd use the code name I gave her.
-Sorry.

Ugly b*tch needs me.

Enjoy the room.

Help yourself to the mini
fridge. Everything's on me.

Go for it.

For the bus home.

But we didn't even kiss.

Sorry.

Wait, you've got my shoe!

Wait!

-Can I help you?
-Yes.

On reflection, I
do not feel good.

I think I should stay here.

We've already filled your bed and
phoned your emergency contact.

f*ck me.

If you need me, I'll
be in the Thames.

Dev.

I'm so sorry, I shouldn't
have lied to you.

I love you, and I
want to be with you.

You are the most stable
man I've ever met.

My lovely, safe James Bond.

Deb,

I'm so pleased to see you.

-Are you?
-Yes, um...

And there's something
I need to tell you.

I actually think finding out
the truth about your husband

was the best thing that
could have happened.

-You what?
-Yes!

You see, he's given me the
strength to tell you my truth.

He's alive,

and so am I.

Eh?

Hello, hello, everyone.

Um, thank you

for the wonderful
years at this company.

Um, this promotion truly
has meant the world to me.

Um, but ultimately,

I just want to say...

...I think it's time
for me to leave.

Effective immediately.

-f*ck me.
-Yeah.

I... I want to pursue my dreams.

Um, thank you so
much to my fiancee

for supporting me
through this decision.

Deb...

Where is she? Deb? There she
is, Deb. Right by the door.

Yeah, that's right.

We're engaged.

Oh!

Well, Deb, what do you reckon?

I gambled for the
first time in my life.

Sexy, right?

I know.

I am your James Bond.

What were you in
the hospital for?

Uh, women's issues.

Absolutely. Say no more.

So...

...which way is it?

Why? Where are we going?

Book Club, silly.

Josie, we're closed.

I'm glad to see you, though,
I could really use a friend.

I've just been ghosted.
Can you believe it?

Claire, I don't have time
for your sh*t right now.

-Seb's coming.
-Oh, boyfriend reveal.

Husband actually. Anyway,

we've been having Book Club
for the last three months, OK?

-Every night.
-A bit late for a book club.

Please do this for me,
you're my best friend.

You didn't tell me your
boyfriend looks like Mr Darcy.

This is so lucky.

Pride and Prejudice
is my favourite book.

Mine too.

God, I miss those times.

The romance of it all.

But when relationships
could be all about a look...

...and then to promise
yourself to someone forever.

- WHISPERS: - So romantic.

It's everything
I've ever wanted.

As Austen once wrote,

"I must learn to be content with
being happier than I deserve."

I love that.

I think people are
scared to try new things.

Honestly, I've never
read it like that, But...

...it's so true.

You never know what
you're missing out on.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

Mr Darcy.

It is Mr Darcy, right?

Josie...

I know you've been lying to me.

What do you mean?

You think I'm thick?

You haven't read
the book, have you?

You got me.

Guilty.

Prince Charming!

Prince Charming!

It's nearly midnight.

I want my true love's kiss!

Billie, what are you doing?

My wife's asleep, she's
had a very long day.

You took my shoe.

I'm Cinderella. Your
wife's not Ugly b*tch.

She's the Evil Witch.

I don't want your money.

Take me as I am or
don't take me at all.

This is true love.

I want my f*cking
true love's kiss.

Please keep your voice down.

It's the age gap, isn't
it? Listen, Graham,

I don't care that you're really
f*cking old, just kiss me.

-No.
-Kiss me!

-Please.
-Kiss me!

I knew it. You love me.

No, I don't.

-It's me or your wife.
-My wife?

Right. OK, then.

-Can I have the money back?
-Yes, yes.

Please don't tell anyone.

Here.

Take it all.

Wow. OK.

I've always wanted
to be a sugar baby.

I'm paying you so you
get off my driveway.

Whatever you need to
tell yourself, Mr Daddy.

I won't say a word.

Us sugar babies can
be very discreet.

Goodnight, Prince Charming!

I shall go to the ball.

Ready to die?

Bang!