03x03 - Past

[bunniefuu]

- DAVID: Sure.

- MICHAEL: Yep.

DAVID: Coffee, toast, a banana.

MICHAEL: Uh

nothing.

- You should have breakfast.

- Should I?

- I have breakfast.

- Well

But you're providing for a

whole family of tapeworms.

- Why?

-

Just helps with the segue, I think.

Well well, it was all pretty

straightforward, wasn't it?

Yep.

Um, we agreed to do Series 3.

Michael bought a pram.

We filmed Episode 1. Michael

filled his pram with toys.

Uh, we nearly filmed Episode 2,

and Michael threw his

toys out of the pram.

- And now we're here.

- Now we're here.

- Can I have a quick chat with you?

- Sure.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)

- MICHAEL: Can we not say that?

- DAVID: What?

About the pram and the toys.

You don't want to talk

about storming off?

I didn't storm off.

- Well, I think you did.

- No.

Um, look, I'm happy to talk about

deciding to do a third series,

happy to talk about

filming two episodes.

I think we have to talk

about the storming off.

Why?

'Cause that's why the

whole thing fell apart.

- It's not the only reason.

- I mean, I think it is.

We didn't want to do it from the start.

- We didn't like the scripts.

- We could have fixed the scripts.

Well, I was tired of fixing

Simon's b*llet points on the fly.

Well

I don't care.

Look, it's it was forgivable

when Simon only had days to write it,

but he'd had f*ck' months.

It's not our job to improvise

our way out of bad writing.

I think we still have to

we still have to deal

with the storming off.

Simon left! Because you stormed off.

Right, I don't I don't

want to talk about it, OK?

OK, we won't talk about it.

Look, there is there

is an image out there of me

as an angry person.

No! Yes. Yes, there is.

No. You're you're someone

in touch with your emotions.

Yeah, that's true.

Sometimes it seems like

you're angry at your emotions.

I'm not an angry person.

Maybe it's your diet. This

show makes me an angry person.

You should have

breakfast. I I meditate.

Hmm. I chant.

When things are really

bad, I make model ships.

I know. I've seen

them. They're not good.

Well, you use too much glue. I

want to quell the image, alright?

And

stories about me storming

off the set don't help,

and talking about stories

of me storming off the set

just make me angrier.

You're overreacting. It's fine. Am I?

Yeah. People do not think you're

angry because you stormed off.

No?

No, they think you're angry because

of who you are and the way you act.

You know, you can be really immature

Yeah.

when it comes to

conversational tact.

It's gonna be fine. I

don't want to talk about it.

We won't talk about it. Promise?

It's OK. We won't. Come on. It's OK.

(CHUCKLES)

Fine. Absolutely fine. Yes.

(BOTH CLEAR THROATS)

OK? Sorry for all that.

PRODUCER: Everything OK? Very good.

Ready to go.

Michael's anger management issues.

It it I'm supposed to be in Tokyo.

TY: Right. That's in English.

Yes.

That might be a problem.

Do you think anyone'll notice?

Um, I mean, when you

got it, did you notice?

I didn't know it was in Tokyo

'cause I hadn't read the script.

Right. Well, that's good.

Aren't you in charge

of, like, this stuff?

I mean, Mum just told

me to set the cameras.

I don't know if signs with

Japanese on them is my forte.

We we put cameras everywhere.

Shall I ?

I can show you some. I'll show you some.

We still have them in the, um

Hang on.

(GRUNTS) Yeah.

There's one in here.

There's in there.

Shed, and then trampoline.

I do accept the possibility

that I got a little carried away.

It was a small thing, at first.

A short 'Making Of'

to accompany Series 3.

Georgia was in charge.

We'd done two. Uh, there

was talk of a third.

And we knew we wouldn't do a fourth.

So

I wanted to memorialise it.

PRODUCER: So, you put

cameras everywhere?

Mm. David is unpredictable.

Chaotic, even.

Um, especially with Staged.

He he picks things up

and then he puts them down.

Um, sometimes, he cocoons.

I didn't want to miss anything.

ANNA: When production shut down,

it was decided to make something out

of Georgia's footage, to finish off.

PRODUCER: Were you disappointed?

Well, actually, I don't like who

Michael is when he makes the show.

Who is he?

Yes, I will. I'll get

them down now. Simon?

This whole thing of trying

to pretend it's Christmas

is just getting ridiculous.

It's the middle of bloody summer!

I'm having to put blankets and

my dressing-gown is up

there, it's nailed to the wall,

to try and keep the incredibly

bright summer sunshine out.

Michael is not an angry person.

But when he has to play that character

and spend days with Simon

And let's cut there.

MICHAEL: (SHOUTS) Give me a sign, Lord!

Why do you blight me with this idiot?!

Is it something I've done?!

Is it me?!

It's not me, is it?!

It's not me! It's him!

- PRODUCER: That can't have been easy.

- It never has been. Never has been.

It had its challenges.

PRODUCER: But they agreed

to do a third series.

Why?

Well

DAVID: (ON PHONE) Episode

1 doesn't make any sense.

MICHAEL: (ON PHONE) Why

did he set it at Christmas?

Why am I in Japan?

- Are you going to Japan?

- Not as far as I know, no.

MICHAEL: Did he only send you 1 and 2?

- DAVID: He's only written 1 and 2.

- (MICHAEL SIGHS)

I mean, does he know where he's going?

DAVID: I mean, who the f*ck knows?

MICHAEL: (GROWLS) I don't want to do it.

DAVID: I don't want to do it either.

(SIGHS) How can he be busy

and lifeless?

He told Georgia that he

wants to try something new.

Is the second episode a farce?

I mean, plot contrivance has

never been a missing ingredient.

(GROANS) I mean, there's there's

not enough room for us to play.

Exactly! Yes! Where's

all the rat-a-tat-tat?

Yeah, and the, uh,

"Knock-knock! Come on in!"

Yeah. And is there too much Simon?

Jesus There is WAY too much Simon.

- Oh, yes.

- (SIGHS)

Where are you supposed to get

a Christmas tree from in June?

Yeah. Where were you getting a kimono?

- I have a kimono, actually.

- Oh, do you?

It shrunk in the wash, though.

Hmm. Does your katana poke out?

- I don't want to do it.

- No, I don't want to do it either.

(SIGHS) We should tell Anna and Georgia.

Are you phoning from the lavatory?

I only did that once.

There's a certain acoustic.

- I'm in the car.

- Prove it.

I'm not in the toilet!

Sound the horn. My

neighbour has a weak heart.

- Put the radio on.

- Oh, for

- (BLUES GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS)

- There. Happy now.

- (MUSIC CONTINUES)

- Mm

They've set up cameras inside.

I know. I'm hiding

upstairs, in the loft.

- Yeah? There's no cameras in there?

- Georgia forgot about it.

Ah.

I come out here to read.

Ooh, I can't read in the car.

I can't drive in bookshops.

Didn't they put cameras in the car?

- No, Anna told them not to.

- Ah. Nice.

Nice to have a little privacy.

I don't like strangers

being in my house.

Haven't you got Ty coming over later

to finish installing the cameras?

Yeah, this afternoon.

Oh, I, uh I called Lily, too.

- From the car?

- Yeah, well, the seats are warm.

Uh, how is she?

I try not to give advice.

She did that big film

with Nicolas Cage, right?

Mm!

Is there a word for

jealousy mixed with pride?

- Parenthood.

- Mm.

DAVID: (ON RADIO) a better

interest rate for your mortgage,

or help you repay your current mortgage.

House Proud is the first choice

for expert, impartial advice

When did you do that?

(ON RADIO) So, check us out

Uh Oh.

A couple of weeks ago.

(ON RADIO) No! You

can't borrow my barbecue!

They asked us both.

But, uh, that You said

you didn't want to do it.

No, WE said WE didn't want to do it.

Well I approve of those mortgages.

Do you prefer working on your own?

- No

- Well, then, why did you do it?

I don't like to say no to people.

Hence your professional ubiquity.

It's an act of generosity.

And number of children.

Oh, Georgia's gonna be raging.

She's all set up downstairs

with a camera person.

Well, that is her fault.

You should have told her that

she shouldn't have jumped the g*n.

No, I mean, I admire your courage,

saying that from 200 miles away.

- I'm not scared of her.

- You're literally in a getaway car.

Camera men intimidate me.

Well, any technician, actually.

- Really? Why?

- They know things I don't.

I undo screws with a butter

knife, and they can sense it.

- Mm.

- GEORGIA: David?

- Oh.

- Right. You should tell her now.

- What, now?

- Yes.

You tell Georgia, I'll tell Anna.

- Is Anna gonna be angry?

- No!

Then that's not a fair comparison.

Georgia's not a scary person.

Georgia has never once

asked for help opening a jar.

- The longer you leave it

- OK, I'll do it now.

Thank you.

(SIGHS)

He wrote you snarky.

- Simon?

- In Episodes 1 and 2.

Didn't he? He wrote us not getting on.

- We never get on!

- Oh, come on.

We disagree about things

but we always get on.

He wrote you sad.

- Well, we're not doing it.

- Simon writes what he sees.

You tell Georgia. I'll tell Anna.

Promise?

OK. Promise.

Right. Good.

- GEORGIA: All of it?

- Yeah.

(PHONE BUZZES)

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, it's Michael.

What has he got to ?

"Has David told you we're

not doing Series 3 yet?"

Oh

Episode 1 doesn't make any sense.

Well, that's ridiculous. Why

has he set it at Christmas?

Because it's a Christmas special.

- Is it?

- What, have you ?

Michael goes to buy a Christmas tree.

Yeah, but he's idiosyncratic.

You're flying home for Christmas.

Oh! Oh, I didn't get that at all.

We finish on A Christmas Carol.

Right. Yeah. No, it makes sense now.

Episode 2 is a farce.

- So?

- It doesn't give us any room to play.

Well, you'll just have to learn

your lines, then, won't you?

Michael doesn't want to do it.

Right, OK.

And wha what about you?

Yeah, I don't want to do it either.

We said we would do it if

it was different and/or good,

and it's neither, so

OK.

Is it OK? Well, can't

make you do it, can I?

Ty?

-

- Stand down.

-

- Not going to Wales.

- Great. Sorry, everyone.

- It's fine.

SIMON:

Ty?

- Yeah.

- You're going to Wales.

David?

You need to come and listen to this.

And this is what you

need to tell Michael.

Usually, you want to

catch any mix-ups early,

otherwise it spirals out of control.

Like a forest fire.

Everything's fine and then you

take your eyes off for a second,

and it's racing between the

trees and scaring squirrels.

I'm not proud of what I did, but

sometimes, it can

help to fan the flames.

Let the squirrels burn.

(COW BELLOWS)

MICHAEL: Anna?

- TY: Michael

- Jesus!

Ty

- When did you ?

- Just now.

Oh, right. You setting up, are you?

Yeah, uh, Mum wanted a few options.

So, got one here,

one behind you,

- and one over there.

- Right.

Well, uh, thanks for coming.

I know it's a bit of a

um, schlep.

It's fine.

Camera men intimidate me.

Well, all technicians, actually.

- They know things I don't.

- Like what?

Uh

Types of screwdriver.

I use a butter knife.

Well, that's a cheese knife.

Can can I ask your advice?

- Sure.

- It's about David.

Uh, Dad your dad. Your David.

- Just Dad.

- Dad.

SIMON: (ON RECORDING)

Michael, just in the car

(STATIC) talking to Josh

He doesn't need you (STATIC)

David He'd be

happy just one of you.

Do you want to do it

without David? My dad?

- I think he might do it without me.

- Why?

- It's what he does.

- When?

Uh, radio adverts for mortgages.

Do you want to be doing

radio adverts for mortgages?

f*ck, no.

Do you want to do Series 3?

Will Dad do it without me?

You know Dad.

Hello. Uh, it's Michael

Sheen here for Josh Drury.

Um, could you give me a

call when you get a minute?

Thanks so much. Bye!

- Feel better?

- No.

- Can I get a cup of tea?

- Yeah.

(KETTLE BUBBLES)

DAVID: Do you really think

they'd do it with just one of us?

GEORGIA: No.

No?

- But

- What?

What if he got sent the same message?

What did Michael's message say?

It said (CLEARS THROAT)

"Has David told you yet

that we are not doing Series 3?"

He's checking WE'RE not doing

it, so he can do it on his own.

- No!

- No?

Although

- What?

- No, you said he didn't want to do it.

- Yeah, but that was before.

- Before what?

Before he found out I

did that mortgage advert.

What, and he got envious?

He thinks I do things without him.

- Well, you DO do things without him.

- So, he wants to do this without me.

Do you really think they'd be

able to do it with just one of you?

- No.

- No.

- Maybe.

- Why would they pick Michael?

He's got a child to feed?

Well, you've got 700 of them.

- His is newer?

- Hmm.

- (PHONE BUZZES)

- sh*t! It's the broadcaster.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- Hi, Josh. Hi.

- JOSH: Hi.

Um, you're on with David and I.

- Hello, Josh.

- Hi.

I-I know that we owe you an update.

JOSH: Have you had

the scripts from Simon?

I had a missed call from Michael.

Was he calling to confirm?

- DAVID: Did you call him back?

- He didn't pick up.

- Is there news?

- (PHONE BEEPS)

- What are you doing?

- That's it, that's it. Michael wants

That Michael wants

to do it without me.

But you still don't want to do it.

- I don't want him doing it, either.

- OK, right, just let's calm down.

We'll just take a breather and

we will play it out in your head.

- When has that ever worked out for me?!

- That's an excellent point.

We're calling Michael right

now. Let's do it in the bath.

- Come on.

- OK.

(RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS)

- You OK out here?

- Fine.

I don't know if this is the

best place for solvent glues.

Well, I'm waiting for

the broadcasters to call.

- They haven't phoned back.

- Uh

I missed the call.

- Why?

- I had glue on my hand!

Georgia's on the phone.

Do you know how many adverts

David has done without me?

No. Are you gonna come out of this car?

Not for a bit.

Hi, Georgia.

Do you know how many adverts

your husband has done without me?

GEORGIA: Um no.

Are you planning on doing

a third series without him?

I don't want to do a third series.

DAVID: I don't want to do it either.

Well, I don't believe you!

- Why would I want to do it?

- Because, A

you're pathologically

incapable of saying no.

B: it's the only thing you've

done in years that's any good.

And, C: Georgia doesn't

need you to open jars.

What have jars got to do with it?

MICHAEL: He's afraid

that you'll be angry

when he loses you a

Best Documentary Oscar.

Are you in the car again?

- Are you in the airing cupboard?

- GEORGIA: No.

We're hiding in the shower.

Why did you call the BBC?

How did you hear about that?

DAVID: From Josh.

And why were you talking to Josh?

- Why were YOU talking to Josh?

- That's the question.

That's the question I'm putting to you.

No, that's my question to YOU.

Were you telling him that you

wanted to do Series 3 without me?

I don't want to do it!

I don't believe you.

Episode 1 makes no sense.

DAVID: It's a Christmas special.

- It's June!

- It's June.

Well, it won't be when it goes out.

Well, it won't be when it goes out.

Yeah, well, the second

episode is a farce.

And, yet, you're the one just checking

- that we're not doing Series 3 together?

- Yes.

And that's so that you can

do it on your own? Really?

Is there ? What ? I

mean, what is it, Michael?

Is it envy?

- What do you think I'm envious of?

- Well, me, obviously.

And one tiny little mortgage commercial

- that I dared to do without you.

- One mortgage commercial?!

- Yep.

- ONE mortgage commercial?!

There's no need to be so angry.

Yeah, well, there's

a lot of glue in here.

DAVID: I was me before we were us.

I was me before you were you.

- What's that mean?

- That I'm older.

DAVID: (ON ADVERTISEMENT)

I'm not a coffee person. No

Growing family Annoying neighbour

Do you want to make

your own Easter eggs?

Are you thinking of moving house?

Looking for second-hand pets?

Do your bones need some

In a world where bees are big

Janet and Russell Evans Dental Care.

Smile. It's not that bad.

I approve of all those products.

Well guess what?

- I've had enough.

- DAVID: Enough of what?

- I don't want to do Series 3.

- I don't want to do it either.

And I'm sure as hell not

gonna let YOU do something

- without me in it.

- I am not gonna do it.

I can't take that risk.

What, so, you're gonna do it?

- Yep.

- Well, then, so am I.

- I'm not happy about it.

- I'm furious!

Look forward to collaborating!

Let's make something really special!

Well, it's good to

know we don't need Simon

to bring chaos into our lives.

Georgia can do that, too.

And get the results she needs from it.

(CAR DOOR SLAMS)

(GROANS)

I mean I mean

DAVID: I think I have

abandonment issues.

Is this the story about your

summer as a pantomime horse?

I've been abandoned many

times professionally.

Is this the story about your

summer as a pantomime horse?

It always winds up heralding great

good fortune for the abandoner.

Oh, well, that sounds promising.

Billie Piper leaves, goes

on, wins an Olivier Award.

I don't have an Olivier Award.

Olivia Coleman leaves,

goes on, wins an Oscar.

Yeah, that is compelling evidence.

What are you gonna get when you leave?

- A Nobel Prize.

- About time.

I was left in the supermarket

when I was younger.

Well, I've tried to abandon you in

dozens of supermarkets, many times.

- You have.

- PRODUCER: So, you agreed to do Series 3?

Uh, that's right.

That's right.

Well, it got rockier.

PRODUCER: What happened?

Simon left.