02x03 - The Dirty Mochyns

[bunniefuu]

Michael.

Michael. I've got a plan.

- For what?

- Getting back on the show.

I thought you'd welcomed

chaos into your life.

I know. We had, but

we have an opportunity.

- What?

- Reading with the other actors today,

- it's an opportunity.

- Sure.

So, have you ever

..taken part in an act of sabotage?

ATTEMPTS SCOTTISH ACCENT:

The Welsh must have a good phrase

for the end of the world.

Why do you have to say that?

Dylan Thomas must have written about it.

I mean Poem.

Well, yeah. He wrote, "Do not go

gentle into that good night."

There you go.

I did a little bit for the BBC.

- Oh, did you?

- Mm.

Rage, rage against the dying

of the light.

Who wrote that?

Uh, Dylan Thomas?

It was Yeah. I thought

it was Kipling for some reason.

What? You know loads about

poetry, do you?

I know the f*cking classics.

Rage, rage against the dying

of the light.

Any thoughts at the moment?

No, it sounds good.

Erm, I suppose I wonder if there's

a version where you just go

much more theatrical.

- Theatrical?

- Cos Michael really leaned into it.

- Really?

- Really, yeah.

- Really?

- Didn't you, Michael?

Uh, really.

Cos I think the arc of the show,

we get to humility

down the line. So if in the

early stages you just hammer

those theatrical stereotypes,

I think it gives you

somewhere to go, to subvert it.

All right. So, bigger. So

On the stage, kind of

Rage, rage against

the dying of the light!

Honestly, it works.

It really works.

I would blast it.

Rage, rage against

the dying of the light!

- See, that's brilliant.

- Fantastic.

Do you know what it was

in the original Welsh?

- Hang on. Sorry. How do you mean?

- Before it was translated.

- Translated?

- What did he originally write?

Can I just say how grateful we are?

It's a pleasure.

Just to, you know, have

this kind of access to you is

It's a treat.

Listen, we just want the best for it.

Well, you know. We're reading it

for the producers tomorrow.

- Are you? Right.

- Yeah.

And we were a little nervous to ask,

you know, cos this is all a bit

sort of new, but it's just brilliant

to have your insight.

We're just happy to help.

I know that we're, you know,

supposedly better known

- than you.

- Don't say that.

Well, I mean, you know.

Let's not argue the toss.

But I'm just saying, this is your show.

- Yeah.

- Either way.

- Listen. It's

- Yeah.

Nick said that you might mislead

us as well.

I've got a massage in 40 minutes,

so it would be great

if we could crack on.

- Sure.

- "Cachu h-wich".

Cachu

THROATY: hw Hw Hw

Spit everywhere. Cachu h-wich.

Am I saying that right?

- There's no vowels in this.

- Michael. Is that?

Sorry, say say it again.

Cachu h-wich.

- Spot on.

- Oh!

- I didn't know

- Really?

- Absolutely.

- Cachu h-wich.

Cos I thought it was cachu hwch.

- No, it's cachu h-wich.

- It is cachu h-wich.

Hey, is Michael supposed to be Welsh?

I-I am.

- He is Welsh.

- Oh.

So, does that mean I have

to do a Welsh accent?

Can you do a Welsh accent?

What part of Wales are you from,

Michael?

The south of Wales. Port Talbot.

Yeah, Port Talbot. What?

Baglan end or Taibach?

- Uh, Baglan.

- Baglan. Baglan. Baglan.

ATTEMPTS A WELSH ACCENT:

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Michael?

Spot on.

- Yep.

- Yes! I knew it.

Don't do this again, man.

- Why are you talking to me like that?

- f*ck you.

- Like what?

- Like I'm a f*cking irritant.

- You're not an irritant.

- Thank you.

You're a black hole.

Oh, f*ck you, man!

He refuses to do any

kind of preparation.

- Why are you being like this?

- You don't know the poem.

You don't know the Welsh.

You didn't even know that Michael

was f*cking one of the Welsh.

I do now.

Had you even read this

before you came on the call?

I had read bits of it.

- Is that a Star Trek mug?

- Yeah.

- Nice.

- f*cking hell.

Scotty does this every f*cking time.

Don't you, Scotty?

Oh.

So, we don't have a chance to switch

it around and try it the other way

- on the day.

- The other way?

They want us to do it this way, mate.

They were happy for us

to do it both ways.

They want me to play Michael

because Michael

and I have the same face.

ATTEMPTS A WELSH ACCENT:

I want them to hear me read Michael.

You don't want to read David?

- Can I speak candidly?

- Yeah.

We feel that David

is just a little tepid.

Tepid?

Yeah, well, you know, cos he

just sort of floats about, you know?

And he's sort of

- Inert, is the word I was looking for.

- Inert. Yeah.

- Inert?

- Yeah, Michael is surprising.

You know? Michael's fascinating.

- Michael, may I ask you a question?

- BARKING

- Yes.

- Don't let him distract you, Michael.

Tell me the story about the birds.

What?

In episode one, you are really

preoccupied because of birds,

and it's gorgeous.

What you're doing is so subtle,

but it's lovely.

- Yeah, but there weren't any birds.

- There were no f*cking birds.

I mean, in the character's head.

Let's talk about that.

I just want to know where that fear

came from, cos it was real.

Hm.

OK, well Well, yeah, they were

They were working in teams.

Right. And you And you fought back.

I did fight. Yes.

You're like a paragon of human

physical fitness.

Yeah, well, I was going

to be a footballer, you know?

That doesn't surprise me one bit.

But he very much is not a footballer.

He is a coward with

a Hitchcock fetish, is what he is.

I see you! You little feathered sh*t.

I see you, you little feathered sh*t!

- I see you, you little feathered sh*t.

- Ooh.

- I see you!

- I see you!

- I see you

- He's doing it!

you little feathered sh*t!

- He's doing it, he's doing it!

- sh*t!

I see you, you little feathered sh*t!

Oh, my goodness.

Why do we even bother?

But Dav

David is David is a fighter, too.

Against what?

The You know, the apathy.

I don't like you.

I find you weaselly.

Michael, what was going on

in your head when you said that?

Oh! Um

I mean, the truth.

What do you mean?

Well, you see, Nick,

I don't actually like Simon.

- Me?

- No, Simon the writer.

OK, OK.

- But why not?

- Uh Have you met him?

- No.

- Meet him.

David is a complex character.

- He never leaves the house.

- Michael didn't leave the house.

- No, he went to the library.

- Yes, I did actually go to the library.

No! Only in the f*cking show.

Michael is interesting.

Michael is unpredictable.

Yeah. I am unpredictable.

I can be unpredictable.

Oh, you Go on, then.

Do something unpredictable.

Right now?

Yeah.

- I rest my case. I'm not playing David.

- I'm not playing David.

I could play David.

- We can't.

- No, you're right. We can't.

I don't have time.

Neither do I.

And I do not think the

boys would understand.

No.

SHE MOUTHS

- If I'm honest, I don't think I want to.

- No?

I did have a nice time last time,

but I don't think I'd want to do

- it again with someone else.

- I'll let Mary know.

But you can say yes if you want to.

Oh, no, no. I think it should be

both of us or neither.

Yeah, we're a team, aren't we?

Mm.

And presumably they're looking

for people who already

- have their own partners, right?

- Maybe.

As part of the illusion.

- I'll let Mary know.

- How is the trip to New York looking?

- Ugh, the rules keep changing.

- Mm.

And I want us to go to

Sweden first, if we can.

Oh, to see family?

Yeah. I mean, they haven't seen Lyra

in months, but it's a risk.

Um, rules change again

and we're stuck there.

Would that be such a bad thing?

Michael doesn't like the cold.

David's like that, too!

CRASHING

- What was that?

- I don't know.

DAVID YELLS: Do we have any bleach?

Just wait one second.

- Everything all right?

- I just found him in the bathroom

trying to cut his own hair.

OK.

He said he was trying to

do something unpredictable.

Why?

I think he just feels like

everyone else's lives are going back

- to normal faster than his.

- Sure.

It's just Erm, it's our routine.

It's how it works. It's, you

know, intense proximity

followed by distance.

It's a You know, it's great.

It's just that you can't

have one without the other.

Mm.

MICHAEL CHUCKLES

Well! That was a good day!

- I thought it was a train wreck.

- Well, it was your plan.

Yeah, the plan was good,

but the feedback was horrible.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

No, you wouldn't worry about it,

cos apparently you're

the richest character since King Lear.

Oh, stop it!

I get a one-word summary

in SparkNotes, inert.

IMITATES MICHAEL: Oh, no, David,

you're not inert.

- No, David, you're not inert.

- Absolutely useless.

Look, they weren't talking about you.

They were talking about

the character of you.

The character is based on me!

But there are seismic differences.

Name one seismic difference.

- PHONE BUZZES

- Oh, thank f*ck.

Oh ooh! Mary's office.

- OK.

- Tom wants to speak to us.

- Who the f*ck's Tom?

- Mary's assistant.

Is it?

Yeah, right. I'm going to send him

a link. OK?

You're taller.

- I'm taller?

- On the show.

Oh, right, so I'm even less

impressive in real life?

- Hi, there!

- Ah.

Hey, hey! Tom!

- Michael!

- Hi, Tom.

David!

- How you doing?

- Oh, I'm f*cking great.

Thank you so much for asking.

- Nobody ever asks me that

- Sure.

so thank you.

- And you? And you, David?

- Inert and dwarfish.

- Oh, well, it's a good look for you.

- Thank you.

- I like that on you.

- Thank you.

- And I'm good, too.

- I don't have time, Michael.

So, I just want to keep you guys

in the loop real quick.

Mary wanted you to know

that Nick and Simon called

and they were just so grateful

for the time that you spent

with them today.

- Great.

- Great.

Great.

But they are stepping away

from the project.

Faff. I know.

I know. What a shame.

But f*ck it, OK?

The team is already

looking for another pairing.

Another pairing?

She wants to set up a meeting

with both of you tomorrow.

That That is great!

That is great.

David, you still have

the same Gmail account?

- Of course.

- Great.

And, Michael, I don't have

any contact information.

May I send it to your band's

MySpace account?

You have no contact?

You're my agent and you have

no contact information for me?

But I do have your MySpace account

for a-a Welsh rock band

- that you used to be in?

- The Dirty Mochyns.

That's right. The Dirty Mochyns.

That's right. Right here.

And I'll just DM that.

It's bouncing back.

It's just sent me to a different

one of your band pages

on MySpace, Michael.

How many bands have you

been involved in, Michael?

Well, after the So,

after The Dirty Mochyns,

- it was The Ugly Gussets.

- Can I get these on Spotify?

Cos I might just have to

You can. Michael,

you know what I do have?

Is this you?

TheRealDavidFrost@AOL.com?

- That is not me.

- Yeah. He talks just like you.

I can read him one of his e-mails back.

"Hey, hey, h*, h*.

It's me, Michael.

"You know how I roll.

"I would love to do this thing

with Duracell.

"Batteries are my jam."

That does sound like you, Michael.

- That does sound very like you.

- I'm going to scroll through it. Tenet.

- Did you get the Tenet audition?

- The Tennant audition?

Yeah. No, Tenet. Tenet.

Christopher Nolan did a movie

called Tenet. The Joker?

Did you get that? You got a straight

offer for Joker. Did you get that?

No, I didn't get any of them.

A lot of his stuff goes to Martin Sheen.

That's usually who people really want.

OK, all right.

So, I'll forward your stuff to

Martin Sheen. Does that sound good?

- Just do that, Tom. Just do that.

- OK.

Thank you, guys. OK, so I'll

send this link to you guys.

This is about the new pairing.

No, no, no, no, no, no. She actually

wants to just talk through

the session that you had with

Simon and Nick today.

Who knows what that means.

Uh, great.

OK, talk soon!

She wants to run through the session

we had with Simon and Nick today.

Oh, f*ck. Yeah.

Oh

That is worrying.

VIDEO GAME BEEPS

Hey, I'm sorry we fell out again, man.

And me.

It's just an ugly side of me, you know?

Yeah, me too.

- Yeah!

- Ah, you fiend!

g*dd*mn it. Grr!

When did we start playing games

to resolve our arguments?

I don't know.

What was the alien one?

Do you remember any of the titles?

Not really.

It was an argument, though, right?

About billing.

- I remember that.

- Yes. Yes. How childish is that?

If and when we work together again,

you go first.

- No!

- Yeah, I insist.

No, absolutely not.

- I don't want to.

- When in doubt, alphabetical order.

Yeah, I know the rule.

We all know the rule.

Well, Frost comes before Pegg.

- There are exceptions.

- And Nick comes before Simon.

- So

- So, what's your middle name?

- John.

- Aha!

My middle name is John.

- Is it?!

- Yeah.

Did I know that?

- Well, apparently not.

- Hey!

But you're first.

No, you're first.

- I owe you everything!

- You're You're funnier.

I know.

You're more handsome.

- I know.

- You're the best.

Yes, I know.

Oh, man. I miss you, bud.

Oh, man. I miss you.

I'm glad we're not doing it.

Yeah, me too.

Can you imagine that?

What, ending up like them?

I don't even believe they're friends.