02x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

[CRICKETS CHIRP, BABIES WAIL]

- Oh God...
have we done something wrong?

We were getting, like, solid four-
to six-hour blocks. And now —
what? I don't— don't get it!

What about that YouTube lady
that you've been watching?

What about her?
What does she say about it?
- Shh-shh-shh.

- No. I'm asking— I'm asking
what the baby whisperer says—

- Nat, I'm shushing Jai, OK?
Not you.

- OK, well, the shush felt
a little pointed.

- Oh God. What if they've
outgrown the cup and push?

- No, they can't outgrow the cup
and push. That's all we got!
- We literally have nothing else.

- Nah. Nah, there's gotta be
something else. Gotta be, like,
the scoop and-and swoop, or the...

the pop and lock.
- It just has to be something
to, like, emulate their experience

of being in the womb with us,
you know, walking around.

- Doesn't even make any sense — they
don't remember that. They had brains
the size of walnuts.

- Let's just try the cup and push.
No. No, it's a push. You're patting,
you need to push.

You need to push. That's a pat.
That's— That's a pat. You need
to push. You need to push.

Push it. Push it!
- I am pushing.

- You're patting.
- I'm— Shh-shh.
- You're clearly not pushing,

and this shows that you've not
watched the YouTube clip
that I sent you,

because if you had, you would know
that there's a wrist rotation.

You need to rotate the wrist—
and push it!
- Hey, team.

[BABIES GRIZZLE]
All good? Can we— can we help out?

- Oh, guys. Oh, we're so sorry.

- All good. It's not even that bad.
- It is for me. OK? We've got
to figure something out.

[QUIRKY TIMPANI MUSIC]

- [SIGHS]
[BABIES GURGLE]

[BABY GRIZZLES]
- And, uh...

that is where you'll buy your first
bus pass when you're old enough.
- [YAWNS]

- Oh. They cut that pohutukawa down.
That's a shame.

[DREAMY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
- SOFTLY: Babe. This is so boring,

it's actually working.
They're nodding off, so keep going.

- OK. Um...

um...

wow, this stretch of road
is very smooth. [CHUCKLES]

It's giving asphalt, not bitumen,
which I always find a little...

little bumpier under wheel.

Oh.

Moon's a beaut.

Is she waxing? Is she waning?
I can never tell.

- WHEEZES: Chh! Oh no. Oh no!
The change is happening!

[MIMICS CARTILAGE CRACKING]
Aargh, my nails! Aargh, the hair
is growing up my forearms!

SOFTLY: Awoooo!

WHISPERS: She's a queerwolf.

[INHALES, EXHALES]

♪ She's a queerwolf,

♪ ridin' through the night,

♪ lookin' for a bite.

♪ She's q*eer! ♪

- [SNORES GENTLY]
- Oh, I don't blame you.
I'm boring myself.

- ♪ Dreamtime... ♪

[DRILL WHIRRS]

[CRUNCHING]

[DRILL WHIRRS]
- Oh my God,
it is such a mess in here!

Johnny, have you seen my other shoe?
- Uh, what shoe?

- My slightly more casual
formal-casual sneaker.
You know the one.

- Uh, sorry, I don't— I don't know.

OK. Ooh. Wait— Nat, Nat, Nat, Nat!
I need that for work.

I need that for work.
- No, no, no. Hey. It's OK. In times
like this, who do you trust?

The registered builder or the
certified l*sbian, am I right?

I'll just get it — one more time.

[DRILL WHIRRS]

- Oop, oop, oop!
- Ah, that's good.
- I think that's good.

- Johnny, can you check your room?
- Sorry?

- For my shoe!
Why is nobody helping me with this?

Come on!
It's impossible to live this way —
my stuff strewn between two rooms.

It's like I'm some sort of child
of divorce! It's like, 'Oh no—'

[DOOR SLAMS, MUFFLED RANTING]

- Oooh. You can't hear Lily.
That's working.

- [RANTS]
- Now we can.

[DOOR SLAMS]
- Now we can't.
- Nice.

Yeah, I think that's gonna work.

[BABIES CRY]

[CRYING CONTINUES]

- It's not working.
- It's OK. They'll...
they'll settle.

- When!? I thought they got
this crying thing under control.
Why is it back?

- I don't know.
[SOFTLY] I don't know.
Maybe it's like a growth spurt.

- Oh, yeah. Growing, all right —
growing into, like, death metal
singers, by the sounds of it.

- They are trying
everything they can.

- Yeah, well,
maybe they should try moving out.

[BABIES CRY]

- I think it's pretty tough
what they're going through.

- Oh. When did you become such
a Nat and Steph apologist?

It's tough for all of us.
Look at us. We all share this house,
and we all need sleep.

[BABIES WAIL]

- [TUTS, SIGHS] I just...
I just think they should
go back in the car.

- No. No, come on.

Look, it's only...

quarter to 3.

- Quarter to 3?!
Johnny, I'm losing my mind, OK?

And this padded-cell thing here
is not helping at all.

- WHISPERS:
Stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop.

Stop. Stay in the cell.

[QUIRKY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

[BABIES CRY]

Lily. Lily, Lily, Lily—

WHISPERS: Lily. Lily!
Come back here! Lily!

- Yeah, I think this works. We just—
We just live in the car at night,
and then house in the day,

and then car in the night,
house in the day, car in the night,
house in the day,

till we, uh... die.

- Yeah. Sounds amazing [!]

[BABY STIRS, GRIZZLES]
WHISPERS: Oh, Jai. Oh no.

Hey, hey, you love
the car, remember?
- Oh sh*t.

Oh my God, they're building
immunity to the car!
- Vroom, vroom...

Jai, shh-shh-shh.
- God, nowhere's safe.

- Hey. Hey, look at your brother.
He's sleeping.
[BABY GRIZZLES]

Don't you want to be like him?
- Uh, all right, all right, let's not
compare them to each other, shall we?

We don't want a Liam and Noel
Gallagher situation on our hands.

- I'm not comparing. I am modelling
the behaviour that we want to see.

And look! [GASPS] Look.
Oscar's asleep. He's so happy.
He's so peaceful. He's so calm.

Don't you wanna be like—?
[GASPS] Oh no.
[OSCAR CRIES]

- Oh no.
- GASPS: J-Jai—

- Oh no...
- J-Jai, you're waking Oscar.

- Shh-shh-ssh. Hey, hey, hey.
- What is happening?
Your brother was fine before.

- They're syncing up like
bloody Bluetooth speakers!
- [SHUSHES]

- Steph, we have to try something
else. This isn't working.
- [SHUSHES]

- It just— It is not working.

We need to do
sleep training or something.
- We're not doing sleep training!

- Well, we gotta do something
other than just blaming Jai!

- I'm not blaming Jai! Shh-shh...
- Well, we cannot drive around in
one car with two screaming babies!

[WAILING ECHOES]

- [IMITATES RT SQUAWK]

DRAWLS: Night Owl,
this is Midnight Prowler.

Uh, I spy with my little eye
something beginning with R.
Over and out.

[IMITATES RT SQUAWK]

- Uh— sorry. I honestly cannot
hear a word you're saying.

- [IMITATES RT SQUAWK]
Night Owl, please use
my truck driver name.

[IMITATES RT SQUAWK]

- I just feel a bit uncomfortable
calling you the Midnight Prowler.

- [IMITATES RT SQUAWK] Night Owl.
It's Midnight Prowler. Stay focused.

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with—

- WHISPERS: Babe. Babe.
I think I have a sleeping baby.

- Is this one down, one to go?
[CHUCKLES]

- Uh... do— do you mind
if I maybe, like..?

- Oh nah, yeah. Yeah.
You should go home for sure.

- Yeah?
- One of us should get some sleep.
[CHUCKLES]

- OK, thank you. Thank you so much.
- Yeah. Yeah, 100%.

- I'll— I'll see you later.
Over and out.

- Do the sound— Oh.

[BABY FRETS]

[BABY GRIZZLES]

[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]

♪ She's a queerwolf.
[BABY GRIZZLES]

♪ She's drivin' through the night,

♪ she's lookin' for a bite.
[BABY GRIZZLES]

♪ She's fightin' for q*eer rights.
q*eer...

[SILENCE]

[BABY GRIZZLES]
- [SIGHS]

♪ She's a queerwolf...

[BABY HICCUPS, GRIZZLES SOFTLY]
SOFTLY: ♪ Queerwolf...

♪ ridin' through the night.

[SINGS INDISTINCTLY]

[BABY GRIZZLES]
[YAWNS]

[BABY GRIZZLES]
WHISPERS: Come on.

[BABY GRIZZLES]
[SIGHS]

[BABY GRIZZLES]

[BRAKES SQUEAK]
NAT: Oh, f*ck!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck. sh*t.

[SIGHS]

- Oh babe.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

That was me.
- Aw...

- Jeez, what happened to you?
- Huh?

- You all right?
- Huh? Me?

- Yeah.
- Yeah! I'm good. Good good good.

Is that a bigger wing mirror
than normal?

Cos my spatial awareness
is normally... [KISSES]

Is that car black?
- Mm-hm.

- Oh, babe.

- CHUCKLES: OK, I wanna go to sleep.
- Yeah.

- [EXHALES]

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

SIGHS: Oh...

yes...

[EXHALES]

[EXHALES]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

GRUNTS: Oh no. No, no, no...

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

What the f*ck?

- [WHISPERS] Shh. Shh, shh, shh!

- Oh. Sorry. Sorry.

- We've gotta be quiet,
cos Nat is sleeping.

- Where are my little grandsons?
- Uh...

[CHAIR SCRAPES, CLATTER]
- Dad!

- Oops. [CHUCKLES] Sorry.
- STIFLED: Shut up.

[FOOTSTEPS]

[FURTIVE JAZZ MUSIC]

- [SIGHS]

- I just didn't know it was
possible to be this tired.

Like, yesterday, I fell asleep
with a piece of toast in my mouth—

- [LAUGHS]
- ...because I was too tired
to swallow it.

- Ah, yeah. The classic
four-month sleep regression.

- I was kind of hoping that maybe
we'd just skip it — you know,
cos some babies do.

Or that maybe we'd even
have a progression.
- [CHUCKLES]

- But that hasn't happened,
has it, sweet pea?

- Well, you just wait.

Next will be the six-month,
and then the eight-month,

and then, of course, you hit my age
and you hit another whole
sleep regression pattern.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

[FURTIVE JAZZ MUSIC]

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLS]

[KNOCKING]
- Aargh!

- [MUTTERS] Oh God...

Damn it.

- Forgot I had a key. [CHUCKLES]
Didn't wake you, did I?
- [SIGHS]

Nope.
- [GASPS]

LOW: Where are the boys?
- WHISPERS: One's in here.

- You look terrible. Mm.

- [BLOWS AIR]

I just feel like they're trying to
suck the life force out of us so that
they can overpower us. You know?

And those two,
they've got a strong bond.

Once they hit the gym,
we're done for.

- It might be time
to start sleep-training them.

- Well, I have done
a bit of reading —

actually, a lot of reading
about sleep training,

and... it's just not for me.

- I'm into it. But Steph's not,

and you know what she's like
when she's adamant about something.
She's just like, 'Chht!'

- Well, we did it with you, Bun—
and God, it was like
SAS t*rture training.

- Well, that's kind of
my point, actually.

- Best to start
when they're younger too, Nat.
I left it too late with you.

Nearly had to bolt your door shut
when you were a toddler.

The neighbours thought we were
performing exorcism on you.
[CHUCKLES]

- How does it work?
- Oh, there's a bunch
of different methods.

- Your mother tried a thing
called the 'Extinction Method'.

So she'd swaddle you,
then she'd pop you in your room,

and then she'd go outside and turn
Phil Collins up really loudly.

- Why didn't you do something?
Like, try and stop her?

- Mothers know best, and all that.
Plus — ever seen your mother
sleep-deprived?

- SIGHS: We do need sleep.

- Good parenting starts with
being good to yourself.

- Look, it's only a week.

But it is a week where you would
rather tie bricks to your shoes
and walk straight into the ocean,

because that way you can at least
get some peace and quiet.

- OK, this literally sounds like
the worst thing I've ever heard
in my entire life.

Like, why would anyone do it?

- It does make sense, you know?
And if we start them early, then
they learn, and then we're done.

- Well, that's it, then.
- That's it.

BOTH: That's the plan.

- Yeah.
- Seven days. That's it, that's it!

- Yeah. And seven days
is seven days too long.

It needs to be no days,
because we're not doing it!
- No— Oh my God. It's a week.

It's a week.
And then they'll be sorted.

- Absolutely not, Nat.
Absolutely not.

- OK, well, I get a say in this too.
- No, you don't.

- Ah. Knew it.
- [STAMMERS]

That's not what I meant.
- See? You guys heard that?
You heard that?

- I've honestly just zoned out.
- That's not what I mean.
You know what I mean.

- We have to do something, OK? For
us, for the babies, for the house,
for everyone.

It's just sleep training, that's all.
- Yeah. OK. Exactly.

They are too young
to be taught how to sleep.

Dr Dorothy Gladstone says they have
to be at least 6 months minimum—
- [SCOFFS]

- ...for them even to be able
to absorb what you're trying
to teach them.

Otherwise it's just
pointless t*rture!

- So if they are crying it out,
how would you actually know
if something's wrong?

- Yeah, exactly. Exactly, Johnny.
That's actually totally my point.

And as a mother, every fibre,
every instinct in my body

is screaming at me
that this is the wrong thing to do.

- OK, well, as a mother, every
instinct, every fibre of my being
is saying, 'Sleep equals happy.'

- Not like this. No.
- Happy babies equal
happy everything.

- You're wrong.
You're just wrong about it.

- She's right, Steph.
Something's got to give—

- Lily, this doesn't
actually concern you, OK?
- OK, it does, actually.

- [SIGHS]

- Yeah. OK. Sweet as.

What would I know?

- Babe, I am sorry,
but I can't do this.

Like... morally,

I can't.

- Well, that's not what
you agreed to, Steph.

[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

- [INHALES, STAMMERS]

[BABIES GRIZZLE]

- I— I honestly just don't
think I can do this. It's...

[TEARFULLY] like, so awful
just listening to them...
[BABIES CRY]

- I get it, I get it, I get it. OK?
But I can do this. I've got tonight.

You've gotta let me step up,
all right? You just gotta...

sit here and disassociate. OK?

So — here's the plan.

I go in every two minutes,
then every three minutes,
then every five minutes.

I can shush them, but no cuddling —
no cuddling whatsoever.

- Well, what am I supposed to do
while you're doing... that?

- You knock yourself out. OK?
[BABIES CRY]

[WATCH BEEPS]
Ooh.

Ah! Ah, nah— Da-da-da-da-da.

[BABIES GRIZZLE]

Mama's got this.

- [SIGHS]

- You look cool. You look like
when Jacinda Ardern DJ'd at that—
at Real Groovy.

Coming!

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[DOOR OPENS]

[BABIES GRIZZLE]

- SOFTLY: Hi.
- Hey.

- You want to come
stay at mine tonight?

- Um... I— I think I'm just going to
stay in here. Just... hunker down.

- Is it a...

is it a sleep thing, or...
or a Steph thing?

Or a me thing?

- No. It's just... [SIGHS]

maybe a bit of everything
kind of thing.

- Lily, I'm sorry if—
- No, Johnny, please
don't apologise, OK?

As soon as you say sorry,
it becomes a thing, and it's like,
don't— It's not a thing.

It's just... I just I wanna be
by myself for a bit, that's all.

- SOFTLY: Yep. Sure.

OK. Goodnight.

- Night.

[BABIES GRIZZLE]

[BABIES GRIZZLE]

- Are you ready?
Press play. Here we go.

[BABIES WAIL]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Press it.

[JAUNTY CONCERTINA MUSIC PLAYS]

Ooh. That's good.

That was nice. [CHUCKLES]
I've still got it.

[FOOTSTEPS PATTER]

'Ey! Ah-ah-ah! Eyes on the footwork.
Look at the footwork!

- It's really good. It's...

You— It's amazing.
- Ooh!

Ooh. Need some arms?

Is that good? Some arms?

- I-I— I might just, quickly, um—
go to the bathroom.

I'll be— I'll be back.

[MUFFLED WAILING]

- [PANTS]

[MUFFLED WAILING CONTINUES]

SIGHS: Oh sh*t.

[GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[EXHALES]

[BABIES WAIL]
- No, babe — you didn't
even give it a chance!

- I-I can't. I can't do it!

And I just honestly feel like this
is, like, separate from the contract
we made.

Like, surely human rights
are baby rights—
- Yeah, but what about my rights?

As their mother as well — you just,
like— you completely undermine me.

I have a plan,
and you need to trust it!

- I know, but surely
there's gotta be bottom lines.

Like, if literally everything in
my body is screaming, 'No, no, no,
don't do this!'

- Surely you can just let that scream
a little longer than five minutes.

- You want me to let my body
scream? OK, so this is interesting.
You're clearly fine with screaming.

You're clearly fine with my body
screaming, you're clear when
it's the boys screaming,

and I'm not OK with
anyone screaming.

- OK, well, they are not gonna
remember any of this sh*t!

[NAT AND STEPH CONTINUE ARGUING]

- [YAWNS]

[YAWNS, SIGHS]

Thanks for...

this.

I'm sorry for dragging you out.
You and Lily probably wanted to
make the most of the...

empty...

rooms.

- Nah.

I reckon we've outgrown
our honeymoon plans anyway.
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh yeah? Not surprised.

Me and my family
are c*ck-blocking you,

to the maximus.
And it is not cool, brah.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

I think there's a way,
you know —

I don't know, put the...
the house on... on the car,

and... and then you can—
you could just, like, you know,

drive around... around the house,
on the car and just...

[GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC]

- Keep your eyes closed, OK?
- Yeah, but I was just sleep,
sleep, sweet, sweet sleeping,

and now I'm not, and...

Where— What are we—? Ohhh.
- OK. Stay here.

OK.
- [SIGHS]

- Ready?
- Ready.

- Ta-da!

- Oh, have we got mould again?

Oh no... do we?
- No. Um...

- Where's Steph and Nat?
- They're out with the boys.

Look, everyone's miserable
at the moment, but I think
I know how to fix it.

Lily, will you...

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.
What? What are you doing?

Is this a—?
- What?

- Why— Why is there
a shoe rack? Are you—? Is—?
- Oh sh*t! sh*t, no, no, no.

I'm-I'm— I'm not proposing. I'm not
proposing. I just— I'm sorry. OK.
- Aiya...

Phew! Oh, man.

- Um... I just thought maybe
it would be good in...

our room.

Maybe? If you wanted
to move in to the...

big room with me.

- What? You and me?
Sharing a room?

- Uh— uh, look, I— I know
it's a big step. It's a big step.

Um... but you could have
all your shoes in here,

and all my shoes
could still stay outside,

but Nat and Steph,
they could take our rooms,

and I've already spoken to them
about it. They're all good.
They're keen.

But that way, Nat and Steph,
they get their own room,
the boys get their own room.

Everyone wins.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yes, let's do it!
- You OK?

- Yeah!
- LAUGHS: OK.

- Aaaah! OK!

Yeah.
- Sweet.

- Ooooh. Yeah, I do.

I do.
- OK.

- No. I don't like that.
- Oh, OK.

- [EXCLAIMS]

[SLOW, WISTFUL BAND MUSIC]

- ♪ But I guess it's different

♪ to how I first played,
cos no one did tell me...

- Goodnight.

- ♪ the ending.

♪ Pretty timelines
used to work in my mind...

- [SQUEALS, LAUGHS]

Oh, I love it! I love it.
[BOTH LAUGH]

♪ I can't tell —

♪ are we there yet?

♪ I can't tell —

[BABY GRIZZLES]

♪ are we there yet?

- Shh...
[BABY FRETS]

Shh... Shh-shh.

- ♪ Mm, mm, mm.

♪ Mm, mm.

♪ Mm, mm.

♪ The longer it goes,

♪ sure, the less that I know,

♪ and I feel like a child
with no light on.

♪ Oh, I can't tell —

♪ are we there yet?

♪ I can't tell —

♪ are we there yet? ♪