01x01 - The Pharmacy

[bunniefuu]

You got your keys, right?

Yeah. Yeah, got them.

Hey.

There you are. Thought you

might be asleep for a second.

Nope. Still up, as always.

How's the sleep app working?

Well, I tried it again the other night.

The fella's meant to talk you to

sleep, right? But his voice is so sexy,

I started fantasizing about him

rescuing me from a burning oil rig.

Which, you know, is great but

useless if you're an insomniac.

Have you ever tried them?

No.

Hypnotism, acupuncture,

none of it works.

I bought a book online

called One Thousand and One

Sleep Cures and Remedies. Rubbish.

It's full of crap. Like,

wear a hat full of lavender.

Listen to a recording

of someone else sleeping.

Only inhale through one nostril.

Sleep on a soft mattress.

Sleep on a hard mattress.

Get the soft mattress on

top of the hard mattress.

Then sleep on them both.

Pray to a Norse god. Ignore your eyes.

No. All right, look,

I may have made a couple

of those up, but, you know.

Sorry, I didn't listen

to a word you just said.

Danny, why are you

crawling around in the dark?

- You know my neighbor?

- What, the p*ssy person?

- The Cat Man.

- You like that?

For some unfathomable reason, he

invited me to his cat's birthday party.

How old is it?

It's 17. We all chipped in

and got it driving lessons.

Anyway,

I had to come up with an excuse

for why I couldn't attend,

and in hindsight, I went

a little bit overboard.

Why? What'd you tell him?

I was going on a month-long sabbatical

staying at every Disneyland in the world

- Why did you tell him that?

- Never been. Always wanted to.

I thought now would

be a good time to go.

But you never even go out.

Yeah, I know. There

are flaws to my logic.

And now he thinks I'm away.

He's having the party on my patio.

It's been going on for hours.

Right, so is that your

plan for the next month?

Every time he's outside, you're

just gonna crawl around in the dark?

Yeah. I'm committed now.

And, on the bright side, think of all

the money I'll save on light bulbs.

Why don't you just pull the curtains?

I don't have any.

And if I get some and I put them

up and he sees them, he'll think,

"Where did those curtains come from?"

And he'll know I'm in.

So it's like a catch-22.

Just a thought.

What are you gonna do about food?

Or is Adam across the hall still

doing your shopping for you?

No, I had to make him

believe I'm in Disneyland too.

You know what he's like.

If he knew the truth, he'd spill the beans

to the whole building in 30 seconds.

- Yeah.

- Look, it's fine.

I feel fine. I feel good. I'm just gonna

live off what's in the flat, which is

a jar of mayonnaise and a

variety pack of Frosties.

Yeah, I didn't think this

through properly, did I?

This is one of those times

where being able to go outside

- might be quite useful.

- Would it? Thank you.

Well, I can't help it. And now I'm

hungry. I'm gonna have to order a pizza.

Cat Man, deliveries.

Hiding from someone is so complicated.

I'm gonna risk it.

I'll use it as a dummy

run, see if it's possible.

Cat Man can't stay out there forever.

Right. One anchovy and pineapple.

Anchovy and pineapple?

Absolutely. On the way. Where are you?

Late-night chemist.

Poppy's chicken pox.

She is still scratching

herself like a little baboon,

and we've run out of Peridyne.

And on top of that, most of her

class has now come down with it.

Parents' WhatsApp has been going

nuts all week. I feel terrible.

Why do you feel terrible?

Remember how I said

I didn't take Poppy on the school trip

- because of her chicken pox?

- What's wrong, Mummy?

Nothing's wrong.

- Yeah, we'll be going in a minute.

- Mummy!

I've just gotta make something first.

Well, I kind of did.

There. Now you really look like a sheep.

- Baa!

- Baa.

There was no way I was gonna bail.

What, and let Zach's bitchy

mum get one over on me again?

Everything okay there?

Yeah, fine.

It's just how we do it at home.

We had lasagna last night. Total chaos.

I could tell she was getting suspicious,

but I totally got away with it.

Crafty. And, you know,

morally questionable.

Don't you start. I saw this ad

for some new pills called Snoozers.

Extra strength for proper insomniacs.

I should see if I can get some in here.

No, don't. They don't knock you out.

They just make everything

taste like cabbage.

Apart from cabbage, which, you know,

already has that slightly

cabbage-y taste.

But you know what I'm

gonna say, don't you?

No. Can we please go one night

without having this conversation?

I'm not going with

you to a sleep clinic.

Go on.

No. People with

clipboards watching me kip?

When I sleep, I don't like an audience.

Also, what if, you know

What if when I'm snoozing

I touch myself?

I mean, do you touch

yourself when you sleep?

I don't know, but judging by

how much I do when I'm awake,

I wouldn't be ruling it out.

Anyway, wouldn't, you know, Veggie

mind you spending the night with me?

I doubt it. He just thinks of

you as one of the girls. You know,

basically a lady.

Does he? Well, that's nice to know.

Hang on. Veggie's calling.

I'll call you back.

Hi, Veg.

Panic over. She is asleep,

and I am the best stepdad ever.

How did you manage that?

I just read to her.

Well, I tried that. What'd you read?

Well, you know, just

The History of Bricks.

Sorry, what?

The History of Bricks.

- Why are you reading that now?

- For Saturday.

- Yeah, the brick thing.

- Yeah, you know me.

Preparation is everything.

Plus, it's actually really interesting.

Currently learning about the brick

Gothic period of the 12th century.

All right. Well, as

long as you're happy.

Please don't leave me.

Did you get the itchy medicine?

No. I'm waiting for the pharmacist.

That's fine. I still have

seven more chapters to go.

All right. Well, let

me know how it ends.

Well, I don't think there's

really a story as such

You were joking, weren't you?

Little bit, yeah. Do you want

me to bring you something home?

You could always surprise me.

Okay. Challenge accepted. I'll

text you when I'm on my way home.

- Okay. Bye-bye.

- All right, bye!

Okay, where were we?

All good?

Yeah, it's all fine.

Knee supports. Perfect.

- I'll get him one of these.

- Oh, yeah.

He's doing a brick-athlon

on the weekend.

What's a brick-athlon?

It's like a triathlon.

You run, swim and cycle.

But at the end, you have

to build a small wall.

Impressive.

Have you been served yet?

No. There's no one behind the

counter. Must be out the back.

Well, do yourself a favor.

Get their attention. Shout.

No. I hate that. It's rude.

- What?

- Shut up.

You shut up. I didn't say

anything. What are you doing?

It's Zach's mum.

- Lisa. Hi.

- Kate. Oh, my God. This is so weird.

- Were you hiding from me?

- Hiding? God, no.

No, why would I Why would you No.

Definitely wasn't hiding, no.

Zach has chicken pox.

Oh, no.

How's Poppy, by the way?

She didn't wanna take

that mask off, did she?

No. She wanted her portrayal of the

sheep to be as accurate as possible.

She's so method these days.

So I take it that bottle of

calamine lotion you're holding

is for something else?

Yeah, it is. Absolutely.

- Well, I should be getting back.

- Okay.

Where's the pharmacist?

I don't know. I've

just been waiting here.

- Well, have you shouted?

- That's a good idea.

- No, I didn't wanna

- Hello?

Hello?

Well, looks like we'll

just have to wait it out.

Together.

- Maybe I can buy this for you?

- Why would you offer to do that?

Well, I just think us mums should stick

together. You can get the next round.

Okay. Well, thanks.

Yeah.

Sorry, can I talk now?

I have got to get out of here.

I cannot run into any more parents

of children I might have infected.

Hello? Mr. Pharmacist?

Mrs. Pharmacist?

- Anyone?

- Well, how about this?

Take the lotion and leave the money.

I can't do that. I've only got a card.

Well, do you know how

to use a card machine?

I do actually. But that

just feels all wrong.

- Okay, fine.

- Do it.

Fine.

- sh*t. No. sh*t.

- What?

- What?

- Oh, God, no.

- I just charged myself a hundred quid.

- What?

Okay, and if I did this?

- Come on then. No!

- What?

Just charged myself

another hundred quid.

This guy's profits are

gonna go through the roof.

Now I have to stay here

to wait for a refund.

Danny, this is all your fault.

Come on.

14.99 for Vagisette?

That is daylight robbery.

What is Vagisette? It

sounds like a kind of glue.

So why would a woman need a kind

of glue for down there, Danny?

I don't know. In case something

snaps off. A nubbin or something.

A nubbin?

Okay, my memory of the female

anatomy is a touch cloudy. Thank you.

So you're not seeing anyone then, yeah?

Course not. The closest I've

come in God knows how long

to having intimate contact with

another living being was yesterday,

when I ate a pork scratching.

You do have to leave the flat if

you actually want to meet someone.

Yeah, well, you know,

Chloe was hard to get over.

Well, she was three years ago.

What's the longest

you've been single for?

I would say

five-and-a-half weeks.

Congratulations. What

can I say? I'm pathetic.

- I'm not judging you.

- Yes, you are.

Yeah, I am a little bit.

You know what?

I am gonna sign you

up for this dating app.

Very good.

That's not happening

at all. Not on my watch.

- It is.

- Nope.

Hang on.

Here we go. Pizza's here.

Oh, yes.

Hey. Just come in and leave the

pizza by Flat 8. I'll buzz you in.

I'm not allowed to come

inside. You have to come out.

What do you mean? You

guys always come inside.

The rule's changed. You need to

come outside so I can take a picture.

- Why do you need to take a picture?

- To prove I've delivered the pizza.

Do I have to be eating it, holding

a copy of today's newspaper as well?

Look, mate, please.

- It's only my second day.

- Can I help you?

sh*t.

I'm just delivering a pizza to Flat 8.

You must have the wrong address.

The gentleman living in Flat

8 has gone to Disneyland.

But I was just talking to him.

See? Disneyland.

Adam Fothergill.

Hi. I don't suppose

you've ordered a pizza?

No, I never order takeaways. Too

many junk calories. What kind is it?

Anchovy and pineapple.

That is a Danny special.

But Danny's in Disneyland.

Right.

Happy to help, mate.

Disneyland?

- Hi.

- Hello. Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Are you in Disneyland?

Not right now, no.

I didn't think you was.

You're coming out to

get your pizza, yeah?

Yeah. I'll be right there.

Why are you still here?

The bloke from Flat 8, he's here.

He's not at Disneyland. Look.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Mate?

Do you want this?

Thank you.

It's my cat's birthday

party, if you're interested.

I've made a flan.

I would, but, work.

Suit yourself.

Come on, Angela.

I was so close.

What's your date of birth? The

third of the ninth, isn't it?

Yeah. Why? What are you doing?

I told you. I'm setting

up your dating profile.

No, you're not. No. Don't.

I thought you were joking. Haven't

you got to buy drugs for an itchy kid?

Look, I'm sure the chemist won't be long

and until then, we're gonna do this.

I don't want to. Why are you making me?

Because, Daniel, you're my friend

and I don't want you to die alone.

Trust me, this site is great.

Me and Veggie met on it.

He was the first person

I rated compatible with.

How compatible?

Well, the percentage

isn't important, is it?

No, go on. How compatible?

Fifty-two percent.

I reckon I'd be 52%

compatible with Veggie.

Name. Daniel Gibson.

Occupation?

What is your occupation?

Internet person? Journalist.

That's right. Do you wanna

know what hard-hitting,

Pulitzer Prize-winning

stories I'm working on?

"Twelve Ways to Know

Your Dog's Depressed"

and "Ten Things They Haven't

Told You about Vinegar."

What haven't they told us?

I don't know. I haven't

made them up yet.

Okay. First question. "Do

you desire sexual activity?"

Yeah, a little bit.

You know, if they're

It's like It's an offer.

I imagine you do after three years.

Okay.

"How important is your

partner's physical appearance?

Not at all important, somewhat

important, very important?"

Not important at all.

Not important. No. Not at all.

Maybe a tiny bit. It's probably a

little bit more important than that.

Maybe a sliver a bit more

important than I just said.

Really depends, the way

you look at it, 'cause

- Shall I just put very important?

- Yes, please.

Okay. Next.

"Do you have any hidden talents?"

I'll just put a no there.

- Don't put a no there. Put a yes there

- Have you?

and make it bold,

because I do have talents.

- Do you? Like what?

- I can play the keyboard.

- No, you can't.

- Yes, I can.

Don't laugh. I can. Don't laugh,

'cause I can. Yeah, I was in a band.

Stop it.

The Cuties.

What were we? We were kind of

Radiohead meets the Backstreet Boys.

I was quite flamboyant actually.

I performed with a

candelabra over the head.

So how come you didn't

become a rock god then?

All fell apart. Broke

up after a couple months.

Why?

I set fire to the drummer.

Wait, wait, wait. Jeff!

I'm sorry!

How's the Cat Man situation?

He's still out there.

You know you're supposed to

be sharing that with Dame Judy.

I think he's feeding

my pizza to the cats.

You wanna go over there? Okay.

- Now.

- What are you doing now?

Well, I ordered another

pizza about 20 minutes ago.

What? You ordered another one?

Yeah. I've been watching, and

around every half hour or so,

Cat Man does a circuit of the building.

Takes him approximately four

and a half minutes to return.

That's four and a half

Cat Man-free minutes.

Also, it took 28 minutes for

the first pizza to be delivered.

I've timed the last order to

coincide with Cat Man's latest wander.

If my calculations are correct

Very good.

How about that?

Hey. Go to the last window on the

left-hand side of the building.

You're not gonna muck

me about again, are you?

No. It's all good. Trust me.

No. sh*t. Not again.

Hey. Here.

Don't work, but we'll

pass it through. Come on.

- Wait.

- It'll fit. Come on.

It's not gonna fit.

Okay. We have two minutes until

the man with the cat comes back.

You're gonna have to slide

it through, slice by slice.

- I don't know.

- What do you mean you don't know?

I mean, this is getting kind of

weird. This isn't like a fetish, is it?

No. I'm hungry. It'll

only take a minute.

I'll give you a 20 quid tip.

- Okay. Money first.

- Yeah. Money first.

So

Come on.

- You ready?

- Yeah.

Open wide.

I don't want you to feed me. I

just want you to pass it through.

Okay.

Great. This is good. Keep them coming.

You're good.

Wait. Don't move.

Do you hear that?

Hear what?

Okay, continue. Come on.

Let's pick up the pace.

That's right.

It's stuck.

Okay.

- Last one.

- Yeah. Thank you.

I've got to get that picture now.

What are you doing?

The party's back this way.

You've officially been

waiting a stupidly long time.

I'm sure they won't be much

longer, but let's just crack on.

Okay.

"How well does the

following word describe you?

Sexy. Not at all,

somewhat or very well?"

I'd have to say somewhat sexy.

- What?

- No, nothing.

I just didn't know you

thought so highly of yourself.

Yeah. Well, I didn't

say very sexy, did I?

I said somewhat sexy.

Like, I'm mildly sexy.

If I'm lucky and I don't feel bloated.

How would you describe me?

I don't know. Sometimes you

come across a bit like

Like a kindly milkman.

- Put that then.

- Okay. Last question.

"How skilled are you at the following?

Creating romance in a relationship.

Not at all skilled, somewhat

skilled or very skilled?"

I have my moments, I suppose.

Really? I can't imagine

you being romantic.

Yeah. Course you can't, because

I'm Danny the kindly milkman.

Well, go on then. When was the

last time you were romantic?

- You remember Chloe?

- Yes. I remember Chloe.

Okay. On our first date,

I hired a canalboat.

Covered the whole thing in fairy lights.

We sailed down the Regent's

Canal watching the sunset,

drinking the cheapest

champagne imaginable.

Mainly 'cause I

couldn't afford much else

after hiring the boat, to be honest.

But, yeah, it didn't matter.

We didn't care.

We listened to a playlist of

romantic songs, and we just talked.

And we laughed.

And then we stopped.

And then from there, we

watched a firework display

that was happening in the park.

Huddled under some blankets.

Is that any good?

Yeah. That's pretty good.

A bit tacky.

It's Veggie. Oh, no. She's

awake and asking for me.

I mean, that's a first. She

usually just wants Peppa Pig.

Right, what am I doing?

I've got to get out of here.

At last. Hallelujah. Go.

Okay, Mr. Pharmacist, I'm coming in.

What are you doing?

I'm not leaving here without Peridyne.

This is quite exciting. It's like

Mission: Impossible or something.

Yeah, it is. I feel all tingly. I

can see why criminals do it, actually.

Okay.

Now what are you doing?

Well, if I can't get a refund,

I'm gonna get my 200 quid's worth.

Oh, my God.

- Hello.

- I'm not stealing.

- What?

- What?

I'm here to pick up a

prescription. Mrs. Anne Cooper.

What?

I'm here for a prescription.

Mrs. Anne Cooper.

What was the name?

Mrs. Anne Cooper.

Bear with me.

You okay?

Yeah. Just trying to remember

where I put the prescriptions.

Are they not in one of the

blue prescription boxes?

Seems like a good place

to start, doesn't it?

- Here you go.

- How much?

That's 9.35, please.

- No. Can't use the card machine.

- Why not?

Because I'm stupid.

Do you have any cash?

This is not my prescription.

It's for Mr. Garfield Sununu.

Are you not him?

No.

- What was the name?

- Anne Cooper.

Just a sec.

They said he'd been dead

for about three hours.

I should finish giving my

statement to the police.

I just feel so guilty.

Come on. The paramedics

said he had a cardiac arrest.

He died almost instantly.

He didn't suffer.

It's just so sad, going

like that, all alone

- in the back.

- You're kidding me, aren't you?

Face down in a pile of drugs,

that's how I'd like to go.

I'd prefer something

stronger than baby laxatives.

You gonna be okay?

Yeah. Of course. You know me.

Yeah, I do. That's why I asked.

There's only room for one morbid,

miserable twat in this relationship

Friendship.

And, you know, I've pretty much

got that position sewn up, so

Noted. Thank you.

Anyway, look,

it's probably time I stop

annoying you for another night.

No. You can't go yet. We haven't

finished setting up your dating profile.

Oh, yeah. Well, no, we

don't need to do that now.

- We can do it

- Yeah. No. Let's do it.

It'll only take a few seconds,

and then it'll start throwing

up matches immediately.

Ready?

Done.

Right. And so with these

matches, now, what do I

Do you have to e-mail them or something,

see if they wanna go

for scones and stuff?

I mean, yeah. You're gonna have

to leave the flat eventually.

You've got a match.

Ninety-one percent compatibility.

Really? Okay. Well, what's she like?

She is

I'm still on

Well?

Yeah. No. Sorry. It's just

a glitch. No matches yet.

Good. That's good.

I should probably let

Veggie know what I'm doing.

Yeah, of course. Same time next time?

Yes. Same time. Try and sleep.

All right. Good night, you maniac.

All right. Night.

At last. Thank you.

How was Disneyland?