02x02 - Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gentlemen,
gather round.

Looking for a last-minute
Christmas gift?

Then look no further than this
top-of-the-range jack-in-a-box!

Oh, my nippers will love those.

How much? Only a shilling.
I'll take 11.

I've got a lot of kids. 11?

Merry Christmas! They're already
gift-wrapped for you.

Thank you. Cheers, love.
And remember -

do not open until Christmas Day.

It's very important.

Don't wanna ruin the surprise!
I won't.

Merry Christmas.

THEY LAUGH

Give me the other bunch!

Hello. Hi. Whoa, what's all this?

Presents for the children.
Mary! We have to watch our pennies.

We can afford it.

Just because I'm chief of police,
it doesn't mean

that we're millionaires.

I see you've spent some money on
a suit for the Christmas party?

Well, I had to!
I couldn't go in my long johns.

All right, all right,
I'm sorry.

Here, let me give you a hand.

Oh!

I've broken it.

I've broken it. What you doing?
We can't open it until Christmas.

I've got to check if it's ...

What have you bought, Mary?
Where's the jack-in-the-box?

Well, there's no jack, is there?
What do you mean, there's no jack?

It's just a spring!
Check the other one.

Oh! It's another spring!
Where's the puppet that comes out?

You've been had!
Who sold this to ya?

Those children over there
sold it to me!

Dodger!

WHISTLE BLOWS

BELL TINKLES

Bertha. Where's my money?

Oh...

Couldn't you wait a bit longer?

I'm not a charity.

There's your notice of eviction.

But it's Christmas Eve.

I don't care! I'll be back
at midnight for the keys.

Then you're out.

Ah! Toy...woman.

I need a gift for my niece
immediately.

I'm lumbered with her over
Christmas, and I've left it

rather late. How old is your niece?

Older than five,
younger than 15.

What makes her smile? I don't know.

Children and I are like
beef and bananas. We don't mix.

Anyway, I've got to be nice to her.
Her father recently died,

selfishly.

Ah! Now, that looks appealing, yes.

Girls like dolls, don't they?
I'll have that.

I'm afraid that's not for sale, sir.

But the sign in the window says
"everything must go".

Yeah, everything but the doll.
She is very special to me.

Sorry. Really? Well, I haven't
got time for this. Here's a crown.

As I said, sir, she is not for sale.

You can have anything else
in the shop.

Well, everything else
looks like tat.

Right, here's a pound. Final offer.

Come on, Nan. It's a pound!

My father gave her to me.

He told me never to sell her.

Never! Not for a pound.

Not for nothing.

You don't know who I am, do you? Na.

I'm the Prime Minister
of this country.

And if you don't sell me that doll,

I shall tax you
and your toys to the ground.

I'm afraid it's a bit late
to tax us, sir.

We close our doors tonight.


and this will be our last ever.

Well, my niece shall have
a very unhappy Christmas,

and that'll be thanks to you.

Prime Minister, eh?
SHE SCOFFS

I'm going downstairs
to finish the packing.

Sir. Look, here you go.

Ah! Has the old boot
changed her mind?

She don't realise
how much we need that money.

All right.
Well, that will keep you going.

You said a pound!

Oh, did I? Changed my mind.

Merry Christmas!

But, sir...

Sir!

Happy Christmas!

Get your nog here!
Get your festive nog!

Come on, it's nog o'clock!

I'd love some nog,
Min, but I'm skint.

You feeling generous?
No, I ain't.

Oh, didn't think so.

Nog-free Christmas for all.

Oh, boo-hoo.

I'll save a bit of nog
for you for New Year.

If it don't go sour.

Is that it?

That supposed to get us
through Hogmanay, is it?

The police rumbled us! Sorry, Fagin.

Sorry? I can't eat sorry.
I can't sell sorry.

Sorry's a sorry word
for a sorry Christmas.

What kind of dinner are we
going to buy with that.

Oh, stop squealing. I'll sort it.

I won't have you moping
all over the festive season.

I've spent one too many
miserable yules with you, Fagin.

Me, too. I've had enough.

Right, I'm going down the butchers
to get some scraps with this.

And cheer up, you "missol".

Hang on.

Is that Bertha the toymaker?

Yeah, it is.

How do you know her?

When I was little, at Christmas,
she'd give all the orphans a toy.

Come on, Bertha, it's Christmas!
Cheer up, or you're barred.

Sorry, Minnie.
I've had a bit of a hard day.

Get this nog down ya neck.

Oh, thanks, love.

You probably don't remember me.

But I've never forgotten you.

Oh, come in!

I'm from All Saints. The orphanage.

Oh, yeah! I used to give out
presents every year.

You know, I lost my mummy and daddy

when I was a nipper, just like you.

You see that doll up there?

The last time I ever saw my dad,

he gave that to me.

And I am going to give this to you.

You gave me
my only ever Christmas present.

I never had a present before. Aw!

Have a happy Christmas, won't you?

Happy Christmas. Yeah!

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

I can't do that no more.

We've lost everything -

the shop, our home

and, worst of all, me doll.

Cos someone sold it, didn't they?

That doll in the window?
You remember?

Of course I do! That must have been
well expensive. Yeah!

Well, you wouldn't think to look at
me now, but I weren't always poor.

I was born with a silver spoon
in my mouth.

But I lost it all
when the w*r broke out.

My family, my home.

That's when I come to this country,
to scratch a living in the dirt.

And I've been scratching ever since.

Don't worry. Oh, thanks, love.

No, you done something for me,

now I'm going to do something for
you.

I'm going to get your doll back!

How you going to do that?

I'm going to nick it for ya! Oh!

Where is it?

It's in the Prime Minister's house.

Oh .

Read all about it!

Prime Minister William Lamb's
popularity plummets!

Oi, Prime Minister!

LOUD JEERING

Have that!

The Chancellor can sit
next to the Chief Whip.

But he has dreadful breath!
Ah, here!

Right, that's it.

I'm banning eggs! Look at this,
another jacket ruined!

Ruined!

Well, you are the most unpopular
Prime Minister in living memory.

Well, thank you for reminding me.

I took time out of my very hectic
schedule as the least popular

Prime Minister in living memory
to buy your twerp a gift. Oh.

Why couldn't you do it?

Because I'm too busy
organising your Christmas banquet

to save your reputation!

Good afternoon! How wonderful
to be in London for Christmas.

Will you forgive me,
I've got work to do?

Leave me in peace.
Run along, Clarissa! Uncle!

Oh!

Did you know that London
is the crime capital of the Empire?

There's a burglary every 11 seconds,
an armed robbery every 65 seconds,

a violent crime every 25 seconds
and a m*rder every ten minutes.

Most offenders are young males,
and most offences are petty thefts.

The most common offences
committed by women are drunkenness

and vagrancy,
and one other of which I cannot

speak for a fear of offending
my mother's ears.

She is not a woman of the world.
No, she's not. Emily!

I do love crime.

Have you read Steen Steensen
Blicher's Rector Of Veilbye?

No. Or Philip Meadows Taylor's
Confessions Of A Thug?

No. They're all fiction, of course.

I prefer true crime.

I should like to meet
a criminal one day.

Good. And then perhaps they'll
steal your vocal cords to stop you

talking. Emily! I should like to be
a policing woman.

They don't let women
become policemen. They should.

They don't, they won't,
they can't.

You're Prime Minister.
You can make up any rules you like.

You could let women be policemen.

Clarissa - I have more important
things to do than let women

be policemen.

Emily! Remove your daughter -
she's giving me brain haemorrhoids.

Come along, Clarissa.
Your uncle is a very busy man.

You don't get to be the most
unpopular Prime Minister in living

memory without a lot of hard work.
No.

HE CHUCKLES

I'm so glad I invited you
for Christmas. Ha!

You're planning on breaking
into Government HQ?

Where the head boy of this stinking
Empire rests his trotters up,

just to get a doll back?
Have you lost your onions?

You know what these Westminster
wallies are like.

They'll have coppers front door
and back.

You'll never do it.

I can try.

I might not be able to save
her shop,

but at least I can get her doll back
in time for Christmas.

I've got it all worked out.

Dodger, you've got a good heart.

Let this be the last time
you listen to it.

A good heart makes a bad thief.

All right, Dodger, tell me,

how in a month of moons are you
going to get into Number Ten?

Easy! I'm going to gather up
some kids and get them

to knock on the front door,
posing as carol singers.

While they sing
The 12 Days Of Christmas,

I'll break in around the back
and hunt for the doll.

When I've got it,
I'll wave from the window.

I'll be in and out
by the 12th day! Trust me!

Why is there a tree in the house?
This is a Christmas tree.

It's all the rage!
It's a European thing.

Is it? Ah, another daft idea
from the Europeans.

You decorate it with these, and then
you put presents underneath.

Why?

I don't know. It's European!

I've wrapped Clarissa's present
for you.

Write on the tag,
so she knows it's from you.

What should I write?

"Merry Christmas.
Love from Uncle William."

But I don't love her.

I don't love anyone.

Well, you love me.

Not much, no.

It's a medical malfunction.

Nanny dropped me on my head
when I was a child.

My head hit a boot scraper.

I lost my sense of smell...

..and my sense of love.

That explains a lot.

LOCK RELEASES

# On the first day of... #

Not now! Carol singers!
Ignore them!

Oh, no, Willy,
look, they're children!

Urchins from the gutter.

You should go and listen.
What?

It's the perfect opportunity
to show everyone

you're a man of the people, even if
you are only a man for yourself.

Really?

Yes. We'll get all the staff
on the doorstep.

Public love that sort of thing.

Yes, well, smile - a natural smile.
I'll see how I feel.

Right, let's meet the public.

# On the fourth day of Christmas

# My true love sent to me

# Four calling birds,
three French hens

# Two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree

# On the fifth day of Christmas

# My true love sent to me

# Five golden rings

# Four calling birds... #

FOOTSTEPS

Duff? Yes? What are you doing
tonight?

Nothing. Don't suppose you want
to come to a party at Number Ten?

Yeah! Have I got time to go home
and get changed?

No. No, just come as you are.
You look fine.

Oh, thank you very much, sir!
All right. I'll see you later.

Oh, sir... Listen,
you know it's Christmas?

Yeah? Well, I got you a present.
Really?

Yeah! I made it myself. For you.

Duff, thank you so much.

Do you like it?

It's...interesting. Mm!

You really captured my thumbs.
Thank you!

I spent months painting that.

Please don't be late.

# On the 19th day of Christmas

# My true love sent to me

# 19 eggs of noggin

# 18 weasels wiggling

# 17 parsnips peeling

# 16 nuns a-squatting

# 15 thieves a-thieving

# 14 pies a-piking

# 13 birds burping

# 12 drummers drumming

# 11 pipers piping... #

HE GROANS

# Seven swans a-swimming...

# Five golden

# Riiiiiiinnnnnngs

# Four calling birds

# Three French hens

# Two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree. #

Well, thank you, that's enough!

Here's a penny to share amongst you.

Merry Yule! What?!

Right, everyone, back to work!

Come on, chop chop.

Move, back to work! Now! Now!

Where's Dodger?

Where you been? A business
opportunity has presented itself.

We're going to do a goose rustle.
But we've got to act fast.

Goose rustle? Is that a dance?
Rule me out, I've got two left legs.

Don't be silly.

When I went down the market,
I bumped into Benny the ironmonger,

who had just bought
his Christmas goose.

Anyway, we got chatting.

Why's he got tar on his feet?

Because it walked from Norfolk.
He walked from Norfolk? On his own?

Nah, silly, with a drover.

A what? Like a goose shepherd.

A shepherd's coming into London.

You know Leadenhall Market? Where
they sell the Christmas poultry?

Yeah? Every Christmas, they walk
hundreds of them down from the farms

to the meat market. Last ones
are going to be walking through

Kingsland Turnpike this afternoon.
This afternoon?

See ya!

Well, this one drover is going
to be at Kingsland Turnpike

in 20 minutes! We're going to filch
his birds! How many geese are there?



One of us distracts the drover,

and the rest of us make off
with his geeses.

We lead them back here
and sell them half price!

It's easy money!

Yes! We can slaughter 'em
downstairs in the cellar.

No-one will them honking!

SHE LAUGHS

Ladies and gents, listen up!

Who wants to buy a big,
juicy goosey?

Only two shillings a bird!

I'll have a goose, please, Minnie!

Read all about it!
Man orders goose from bar!

Jon, you don't need to talk so loud.

You ain't selling papers now,
all right? I can't help it!

It's a curse!

Read all about it!
Man pays deposit for goose!

Drives my wife mad!
Especially when I go to toilet!!!

Or when me and the wife
are being romantic!!!

Right, round up the others.
I'll meet you at the turnpike!

Any more geeses?!

Come on! Juicy goose, juicy goose!

Yes, mate. How many can I get you?

How long's he going to be in there?!

He said it would be
a quick in and out.

I told you this would go wrong.

And all over some stupid doll!
I mean, what's even in it for us?

There you are! Quick! I need
you all down Kingsland Turnpike now!

We've got 200 geese to steal!
What?! Is this a wind up?

Nah, nah, nah. Don't do geese.

They're evil.

One time, a goose
pecked my brother's face off.

I'm out of here.
I've got buckles to burnish.

I'm not leaving Dodger in there.

No! You've got to come!
You're the farm girl!

You can probably talk goose.
Yeah, you go.

I'll stay here
and keep an eye on him.

Come on! We've got to go!

This is ridiculous!

Hello, Dodger.

Nice sleep?

You dislocated
your kneecap, but don't worry -

I popped it back in for you.

Why are you dressed like me?

I'm your number one fan,

and now I've caught you.

This is my fancy dress costume
for New Year's Eve.

Do you like it?

I have a fascination with criminals,
you see.

I'm going to be a policing person.

I know everything about you.

Penny for the toll?

So, the plan is, when the birds
get here, we're going to

walk 'em back to the pub.

I'll take out the geezer in the
turnpike, and you lot

can deal with the geese.
Catch you later.

Hello, mate. Fancy making yourself
scarce for half an hour?

There's a goose in it for you.
What do I have to do?

This way.

You're trying to rob us, aren't you?

WHISPERS: What do you want to steal?
I want to know everything.

And then I'm going to hand you in,

and that will show my uncle
that I can become a policing woman.

I don't know what you're talking...

You've got five minutes to tell me
why you're here, or I will scream!

What?! No, no, wait, wait,

Just wait. I've got a better idea.

You want to be a policeman,
right? Yes.

I'll teach you
the tricks of the trade.

Give you a peep under
the lid of a criminal nut.

So, when you're a copper, you'll
know what makes the bad'uns tick.

The best police officers
understand the darker side of life.

Exactly! I'll cut you in on this
Number Ten job, and you set me free.

It's a deal.
So, what are we stealing? A doll!

A doll? It's a long story.

I just need to get it back
and get out of here.

But there are police guards
on the front door. I know!

But there must be a secret exit,
you know? In case of invasion.

I'll ask. You look for the doll.

Are you sure you don't want
to assassinate my uncle instead?

No, no, no. Shame.

GEESE HONK

Aw, aren't they lovely?!

Do you think Fagin will let me
keep one as a pet? No!

Merry Christmas, sir.
Penny for the toll?

Here you go. Thank you.

Hold on. You need to fill in
the docket.

What docket?! It'll only take
a moment. Let's get inside.

Right, come on, let's go.
Every man, woman,

or goose has to fill in
one of these to cross the border.

You've got 200 geese,
so we'll do 200 forms.

But I got to get 'em to market!

And I can't write! You could use
your thumb print. What? 200 of them?

Blimey! I'm not going to have
much thumb left.

I'll just have a stump.

Rules are rules.
If you don't want to sign it,

I can't let you through, sir.

Oh, all right!

Come on, come on.

We've had some special nights
around the campfire, you know?

The brotherhood of the beast.

Geese are very sociable, you know?

They mate for life,

and they mourn like humans.

Here. You ever heard
a goose mourning?

I can't say I have.
Bet it's well sad, though.

Ah, it's heart-breaking.
It's like this...

Ahhhh!!!

Ahhhh!!!

Ahhhh!!!

Ahhhh!!!

Ahhhh!!!

Ahhhh!!!

Actually, do you know what, sir?

Sack it off,
it's a stupid rule anyway.

You get on your way.
Oh, bless you. Yeah.

You have yourself a Merry Christmas!
You too, sir!

HE LAUGHS

My geese! They've gone!

Joaney, the fat one! She was
promised to the Prime Minister!

You stay here for me,
I'll go and inform the police.

We'll get your geese back
in no time. Just stay there.

He'll have no bird for Christmas!

Joaney!

Where you gone?

Joaney!

Hello. Hello. Lovely to see you.

Merry Christmas.

All right, take your time.

Merry Christmas.

How are you?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Ah, Ambassador.

This is my sister.
Good evening. Merry Christmas.

Who's that?

Right. Do I look smart?

Oh, you look splendid, sir. I'm
very proud of you, sir. Thank you.

I feel very underdressed myself.

You can go now.

I'll see you after.

After what? The dinner.

I thought I was coming for dinner.
No. You're on duty, mate.

Come on.

Here, now you are going to
guard the door.

All right? It's an important
job. I thought you'd like it.

Whatever you do, Duff,
don't leave your post.

Hello, sir! Hello.

I'm really hungry, though.
Don't leave your post.

KNOCK ON DOOR

You sure I can't...

Don't leave your post.

Sorry, erm, remind me who you are?

Oh, Perry Blathers.

Chief of Police.

Acting Chief of Police.

Did we say fancy dress?

Anyway, Judge Fang,
come and have a drink.

This is my fourth for today.

SHIVERING SIGH

Come this way,
and please take a seat.

My sister has been boring me
with the place sittings.

Can we swap? No!

Oi!

Hello, Barry.

Now, word on the street is you've
got geese on sale, half price.

My mum's partial
to a bit of roasted bird.

I promised her a big juicy one.

I cancelled my order
down my usual butchers

and I've come here to get one
cut price off you.

Oh, that's nice.

I've brought some pals with me
from south of the river.

They all want birdies, too.
They'll be here soon.

They're just coming back
from the market.

Oh, well, we'll wait.

What are they doing?
Why have they just stopped?

It's like trying to herd


This is the last of the seed.

Well, that's great, innit?
They won't budge without food.

It's nearly dark
and geese roost at night.

Well, what we going to do now?

Minnie's got customers
waiting at the pub.

Here, what's Barry Mattocks
doing in here?

He wants a bird.

If Polly still ain't back,

if she don't come back soon, we're
all getting stuffed this Christmas.

I'll get down Kingsland Turnpike
and I'll sort it out! Hurry up.

Come on, Bull's-eye!

Nog?

SHIVERING SIGH

So you're the Chief of Police?
Yes, ma'am. Acting Chief of Police.

And what are your duties
as Chief of Police?

Acting Chief of Police.

Well, catching the bad guys,
and keeping the streets clean.

What's for dinner?

Fowl in aspic, cod sherbets,
turtle mousse, snipe cutlets,

platter of peacock and pork sponge
and that's just for starters.

There are 16 courses in all. Blimey.

HE SPLUTTERS

Urgh!

What was that?

You've just regurgitated
£30 worth of the finest

Russian caviar into your napkin.

Sorry, Sir.

What... What is it, girl?
Why aren't you in bed?

I have a question.

What is your question, Clarissa?

Do you have a secret escape
here at Downing Street

in case criminals try to break in
and assassinate us?

Miss, no-one is breaking in
with me here.

I am the Chief of Police.

Acting Chief of Police.

Yes, well, we had a secret tunnel
that led

to the village of Wembley,
I remember, but it was bricked up.

Now we have a state-of-the-art
rope ladder.

INTERESTED MURMURS

And it's on the roof itself.

Thank you, Uncle! The police...

What is the matter with that girl?

Look, it's been an hour,
they're not budging.

Well, have no fear! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Meet Bull's-eye,

the best goose-herder on four legs,
ain't you, boy?

Go on, Bull's-eye! Go on!

DOG BARKS
Herd! Herd!

GEESE HONK

BONE CRUNCHES

Well, what would you do that for?

That did not go according to plan.

Ha-ha.

What we going to do now?

All the crims are waiting
for the geese!

Well...
DOG GROWLS

..my work here is done.

See you later.

Looks like you could do
with a bit of a buff.

Christmas ain't for everyone, is it?
No. It ain't.

I know how you feel.

Sometimes I say to myself, "Morgan,
what's the point of it all, eh?

"What's the point?"

They say it's the season
of goodwill.

Well, where's the goodwill
towards me, eh?

There's only bad will in my life...

..if you can call it a life.

My only friend is a pot of polish
and when that runs out...

..I'm all alone.

I'll die alone, too.

Do you know what?
You've made me feel so much better.

Oh!

GLASS BOTTLE FALLS

Oi.

I know you.

You're one of Fagin's g*ng,
I know you! No.

Come back here, I know you!

I can't ...

I can't leave my post!

WHISTLE BLARES

Aargh!

Right! I have a whole evening
of party games planned.

GUESTS: Oh!

First, charades!

What's that? You pick a piece
of paper from the hat,

and, without speaking,
you act it out.

Why? Because it's fun, of course!

Let's get this fun over with.
I'll start. Oh!

Right.

Oh, I'm not doing that one.

No! Oh, you're cheating!

I'm the Prime Minister.
I can do what I like!

Oh, right.

Head!

Oh, no. That's the mime for person.

Finger!

No! One word. One word.

Erm...

Oh, I... He's fighting, fighting.

He's fight... He's a fighter!

Ear lobe! No, that's the mime
for sounds like.

Sounds like an ear lobe!

Look. Bad boy. Top hat. Thief.

Dodger. Yes! Yes! Yes. Dodger.

Fagin! We've got an issue.

Dodger's stuck in Number Ten. Still?

Yeah, all right, I tried
everything I could to get him out

but it's a no-go.
You've left him in the lion's den?

I'll have to sort this out myself.

Newspaper seller
sees lamplighter into pub!

Oi, Larry, I need a favour.

I'm not paying you.

Terrible, terrible.

Have you seen much of this boy?

I have, Sir. Hmm?

Haven't managed to capture him yet.

Hmm?

No, sir.

I've been itching to hang Dodger
for over a year now.

I always carry a piece of rope with
me in case he happens to be around.

How very festive.

Well, don't worry...

..I'll sniff him out.

Good. The boy is a carbuncle
on the rump of the British Empire.

The sooner he swings, the better!
Hear hear. Merry Christmas!

GUESTS: Merry Christmas!

Now, my turn!

Oh, this is a good one!
You're never going to guess.

d*ck Turpin?

Minnie, what's with the goose?
I've been waiting here two hours!

This is going to ruin my mum's
Christmas! You're having a laugh!

He'll be here any minute!
Honestly, you have my word! Please!

The geese are here! They'll be ready
and plucked in an hour!

PEOPLE CHEER

There's been a slight hitch.
What do you mean?

Bill let Bull's-eye loose
and a goose dog he ain't.

What?

How many are left?

Is that it?

What am I supposed to do
with one goose?

I've got Britain's worst criminals
upstairs waiting for their meat!

Let's just deal
with Barry Mattocks first.

The rest we can sort out later.

Right, who's going to
m*rder this bird?

m*rder what bird?

GOOSE CROAKS

MERRIMENT INSIDE

So, I think it's rather late.
I think it's time we all went home.

No, no, wait! Wait!
We haven't played hunt the thimble!

I asked cook to hide a thimble
somewhere in the house,

and the first one
to find it gets a prize!

No, no, no, we've all
drunk and eaten too much!

And a walk will do you good.

So, off into the fresh air,
we'll all take our hats... Oh.

Merry Christmas. Goodbye.
Goodbye, thank you.

Ha!

Thank you, bye.

Right, so, what is the prize?

A bottle of finest Montrachet.

Oh, oh, in that case I'll definitely
stay and play.

Mr Blathers,
you must stay and play, too.

See if your Acting Chief of Police
nose can sniff out the thimble.

I'd love to. That settles it!

There are over 100
rooms in Number Ten

and it could be in any one of them!
SHE LAUGHS

Let's see who can find it
the fastest! William!

All right. Coming.

Coming! I'm...coming.

Well, someone has to do it.

Can't we just convince it to throw
itself off a cliff or something?

It'll fly. Oh, yeah.

I'll end it.

Stand back, stand back.

Sorry, mate.

GOOSE HONKS

Oh, my!

Just get on with it, Bill.

LOUD EXHALATIONS

I can't do it!

Oh! OK.

Right, I'll show you lot
how it's done.

Don't look it in the eye.

No, I looked it in the eye!

No, no, no, no.

GOOSE HONKS

Let's hunt! It could be anywhere!

In a cupboard, under the bed.
just search everywhere!

I know! One of the maid's bedrooms!

Oh, the wine cellar!

What about the study?

The broom cupboard.

The library.

The kitchen!

Oh! It's you! WHISPERS:
Have you found the doll yet?

No! I've looked everywhere.

No, I haven't found it yet!
I'm still looking.

What are you doing in my bedroom?

How dare you come in here?

I'm warning you, young lady.

One more wrong step

and I'll have you sent
to a convent for wayward girls.

One with itchy uniforms

and the nastiest of nuns.

You understand me?

Yes, Uncle.

HE SNIFFS

Hmm.

Place is riddled with vermin.

HE SNIFFS
Urgh.

CLOCK CHIMES

I know what we do. We draw lots.

Whoever gets the short pick
has to terminate the poultry.

GOOSE HONKS
Oh!

Just do it. Just do it,
just do it quickly!

Tom, go on. Come on.

Hurry up! It's looking at me!

Oh! Let me see.

Ah! Ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

GASPS
Ooh.

Just shut your eyes
and make it quick.

Is there a goose heaven?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's massive.
It's huge. It's well nice.

Best of luck, love.

Good luck.

I'm sorry.

I found it! I found the thimble!

Marvellous!

Oh, dear. William, where is your
water closet? Down there. Oh...

We really must go, Emily...

Yes, we're going to midnight mass
at Westminster? Are you coming?

No. Yes.
Yes. Oh, good.

Clarissa?

Midnight mass, come on!

Midnight mass? That's it! Dodger.

This is your chance,
we're going to midnight mass!

You have time to get
the doll and get out.

There's an emergency rope ladder
on the roof. Good luck.

What'd you have for dinner?
It was nice. Don't leave your post.

Lamplighter!

Oh.

Good job you're here.
It just went out, like that!

Well, that's funny innit?

What a nightmare.
Gas supply must have been cut off.

Must be a dead mouse
in the pipe or something.

I'll have to go in
and have a look at the valve.

Well, well.

If it isn't London's
most wanted thief.

Oh, I don't think I could
let you in, sir.

That's the Prime Minister's house,
you see.

Yeah, I know it is.
And if I don't go in now,

he's not going to have any gas on
Christmas Day.

Nobody works tomorrow, see?

I may have eaten my own body weight
in beef,

but I fancy I can still
catch a criminal.

Here.

Papers, Gas Board.

Oh, well, thanks for coming
on Christmas Eve. You're welcome.

Good timing. Yeah, yeah, I know.
I was just passing, actually.

We're very lucky.

Nice man.

But, you see, for me it's personal.

This is for Charles Rowan.

Oh, no, there's no escape
for you this time, Dodger.

Police are just outside.

Thief!

Dodger!

Just listen to me!
I'm not stealing anything.

I just need to return something.
Come in!

WHISTLE BLOWS
It's Dodger!

Intruder! I can't leave my post!

Do you know I studied kung fu
when I was assistant administrator

in the Canton?

So, don't cross me.

WHISTLE BLOWS

That would be a very, very,
foolish thing to do.

HEAVY THUD

Fagin, what you doing here?

I've been looking for you, you
Herbert! I've been worried silly.

Have you got the doll?
Nah, I think it's somewhere here.

Oh, these books...!

I've got it. I've got it!

Right, come on, we got to get out.

There's a rope ladder on the roof.
Well, come on!

Oh, wait, my leg!

It's Dodger! He's in the house!

What are you standing there for,
man?! Silly little policeman!

I can't leave my post, miss!
I can't leave my post!

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Where's the rope?
Top of the house, of course!

Sir! What happened?

Dodger...in the house...

The roof's out there.
Right, hold that.

Stop him! Get him now!

Dodger!

Let me go in.
It's my niece's bedroom!

Stop where you are!

Dodger, you are under arrest.

Step back and turn around!

Clarissa!

What are you doing, girl?

I was just trying on
my fancy dress costume.

Out of my way!

Stop where you are, you...!

How dare you?!

How dare you break into my house?!

Found it!

Get back here now!

How dare you defecate
on my Christmas!

Give me that doll!

No! It's not yours!

Come on, Dodge!

Right!

I've got the rope!

Oh...

Dodge, come on! Come on!

William, let him go!

No!

This won't help your popularity!

If he plummets, you plummet.

Humbug!

No!

PORCELAIN SMASHES

We want him alive,
Prime Minister. Not dead!

Listen to me. I'm Chief of Police!

ACTING Chief of Police. Now, quiet!

Put the knife down, William!

William!

Prime Minister!

Yes! Ah...!

Got him.

Dodger?

DODGER GROANS

You all right, son?

You all right?

Yeah...

FAGIN LAUGHS

I won't be voting for you
in the next election!

Sayonara!

Come on, let's go.

You silly man!

THEY CHANT: Where's my goose?
Where's my goose?

Where's my goose?

I can't wait any longer!

I want my goose!

It needs a good 12 hours on the spit
for the juices to run clear!

I don't want an underdone bird!

Barry! You can't go down there,
Barry! No!

Where's my goose!

Where is it?

Where's my goose?

It flew away.

Where?

Down the well.

I'm going to get that goose
if it kills me...

I'm comin' to get ya!

PLUNGING SPLASH

Barry?

Barry, Barry!

Are you all right?

Barry! What?

Is the goose down there? No!

Well, keep looking!

What's the damage?

It's not good.

Fagin...

That's pucker.

THEY LAUGH

You wouldn't think to look at me
now, but I weren't always poor.

I was born with a silver spoon
in me mouth.

So, that's why he told her
never to sell it!

FAGIN CHUCKLES WHEEZILY

Right, its nearly midnight.
We need to get it back to her.

What?

We need to get it back to her.

What are you talking about?

We keep it. What?

Well, you promised Bertha you'd get
her doll back. You delivered.

She's got no idea it's got
a gem in the crust of its barnet.

Hey.

This is life-changing, Dodger.

No.

We don't steal from the poor.

Remember?

Feel that.

That's never being hungry
ever again.

That's never walking barefoot
in the wind.

That is food in your belly
and a fire in the grate.

That is custard with every meal.

For you, for me.

For everyone.

We'll cut Bertha in. She can have a
couple of bob and a cheese sandwich.

It's not ours.

It's hers.

And we're taking it back to her.

Now.

BELL CHIMES

Well, looks like it might be
the dosshouse for us tonight, love.

Hand em' over.

Stop!

Don't touch those keys.

Dodge?

Oh, you got me doll!

Oh, you broke it.

Look what was inside

all along.

Happy Christmas, Bertha.

Oh, Dodge!

Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you!

BERTHA LAUGHS HAPPILY

I'm staying.

All right, we're sweet.

Come on, Reg.

Oh!

Read all about it!

Dodger breaks into


Ruins Prime Minister's Christmas!

Bertha sent us everything
from the shop.

I've got skittles...

Erm, sponge bunnies.

Wooden wotsits, hobbytops,

yard darts, spinning tops,

knick-knacks, tick tacks,

paddy whacks, and

a clockwork pig.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Who's that? I don't know.

Answer it.

Any room at the inn?

It'll cost ya.

Nah! Come in, mate!

THEY CHEER

You brought a goose?

Nah. I ain't got enough pennies
for that, I'm afraid.

That's my seat.

It's his now.

Sling your hook.

LIVELY CHATTER

Oh, come on!

Wahey!

Merry Christmas!

Anyone want a Christmas buff?!

THEY LAUGH

GOOSE HONKS

Joaney!

Come on. Let's go home
for Christmas, eh?

JOANEY HONKS

It's Christmas!