02x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

[bright music]

[bright music continues]

[bright music continues]

[bright music continues]

[bright music continues]

♪ Life's too short

[footsteps tapping]

Okay, shower and shine, boys.

Veet, veet, we have assignments.

Are you having a stroke?

I made us all dates.

Everyone here is still daddyless

and the groceries ain't
gonna buy themselves.

How did you make us dates?

I have your passwords.

I logged in as you,
impersonated you,

made you seem hotter
and more personable

than you actually are,

and made a commitment for you

to meet him at a
particular time and place.

Hotter how?

- Well, maybe I don't wanna
go on a date with this guy.

- That attitude is why you're
gonna die alone and penniless.

On the street.

Not in this apartment, because
you can't pay the rent.

All right, well,

you and I don't really
have the same taste.

- Taste is not a factor, I
went with the highest bidder.

I'm changing my password.

You are going on this date

and you're putting out
and you're getting paid.

Otherwise, as your pimp,

I'll have my hired
muscle rough you up.

Thank you, Bud?

Thanks for looking out for me

when I'm too depressed and lazy

to manage my own social life.

You're the best friend
I ever had, Bud.

I thought you were, Bud.

[upbeat music]
[people chattering]

- [Mickey] So, Enrique, what
are you looking for exactly?

Oh, something super caj,

that just fits in with
my life, you know?

Okay, well, what kind of thing

would fit in with your life?

- Have you ever
been to Key West?

No.

Cabo?

No.

Tokyo, Venice?

- I've been to Canada
and Disney World,

that's pretty much it.

Do you wanna travel?

Yeah, I guess so.

I want a travel companion,

see the world, have
fun, good food,

some romance, take
in the sights.

- Yeah, I mean, it
definitely sounds like

you wanna sex traffic me
across a lot of borders.

[chuckles] I totally do.

- Yeah, well, I tend to
like to get to know someone

at home a little bit before
I agree to participate

in their international
sex sl*ve ring.

What's this?

That's the gift we agreed to

for this initial meeting,
in a public place.

Wow.

I guess I'm a good negotiator.

Yeah, I've overstayed my visa,

so I can't really
do any traveling.

But thank you for
that, that's perfect.

[lively music]

It's Tab, right?

Yeah.

I'm Daffyd.

Daffyd.

So are you g*y or bi or?

I'm g*y for pay.

Is that a sexual identity now?

- [chuckles] Yeah, it's got
its own category on PornHub.

So what brought you to the site?

I'm dying.

[lively music]

Huh.

[birds chirping]

- This is a leaflet poster
from "Miss Show Business",

the concert Judy did
with Nelson Riddle

in 1958 in Chicago.

An ad for Modern Screen magazine

with Jackie O on the cover.

But, if you look, you can
see Judy and Rock Hudson

below in the insert.

Ah, TV Guide, 1964
with Judy on the cover.

My goodness.

And as you can see,

I have a collection of dolls
from across the century.

They're mostly Judy in
character in her films.

I have every album
she ever put out,

playbills, sheet music.

- So you want me
to trade you sex

in exchange for Judy
Garland memorabilia?

- This collection is
worth at least $20,000.

You're a real fan.

- [laughs] There's
only one thing

I love more than Judy Garland.

[lively music]

[moans] Very talented. [panting]

[lively music continues]

Who's your little friend?

- Dorothy, just
dropped in from Kansas.

Careful, she kills witches.

- Okay, find a partner,
choose a spot on the floor.

Lift your left heel
over your right knee

and find that assisted
glute stretch.

[people chattering]

That's as far as I go.

- Oh, I've seen those
hips stretch farther.

My hips are out of practice.

And release.

Flip.

[Tab slurping]

So how long are we talking?

- Six months, the doctor
said, on the outside.

[Tab] For what?

Bowel cancer.

Ugh, that's not cool.

Right?

Same sh*t that k*lled my
pappy, my dad, my brother.

f*ck.

I outlived them all.

Even with screenings
every five years,

it still got to stage four
before they caught it.

Even though we all
knew it was coming.

[Tab] They can't cure it?

- I ain't even gonna
let them treat it.

If you saw what my brother
and father went through,

you wouldn't either.

All that chemo, radiation,

cutting out chunks of bowel.

I'm not going out that way.

I'm gonna enjoy every
minute I have left.

Sorry to dump all this on you,

I just figured you should
know what you're getting into.

What am I getting into?

- The best six
months of my life.

[people chattering]

[both chuckling]

[Tab] Uh!

What are you guys doing?

Naked video games.

Living life to the fullest.

Who's your friend?

Daffyd.

Bud.

You want a beer? A doobie?

I'll take a hit.

Yeah.

[Bud clears throat]

So is he like living here now?

- He's not living
at all, he's dying.

He's got months to live.

He just wants to
be one of the guys,

live that carefree life like us.

Do what we do.

- We don't play
naked video games.

Why is that?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

- Since when did
you become Catholic?

Whenever somebody's dying.

Hmm.

[Daffyd] Hey.

[bottles clinking]

[TV chattering]

You get butter?

Yeah, what do you need it for?

Popcorn.

Right.

Anything you guys wanna tell me?

Tab's got a new daddy,

he just wants to
be one of the guys.

And you?

I'm making the snacks,

I'm one of the guys,
it's soccer night.

Hey, guy.

Guys.

[TV chattering continues]

[footsteps tapping]

Bud.

Bud.

There's an antiques lady here.

Oh guuuuurd.

- Hi, I'm Irene
Hartenfels, doll dealer.

I spoke to Tab last night
about a Mildred Morton Dorothy?

Over here.

Don't mind them.

Oh my.

What's she worth?

Mm, hard to say.

Hmm, maybe three to five.

Hundred? Thousand?

Bucks.

$5?

She's not even a good fake.

Fake?

- Oh honey, faker than
a hooker's orgasm.

Look, if you ever want to
verify a Mildred Morton,

you just pull off her panties

and take a look at
her little taint.

See, there should be
a double M embroidered

and a Roman numeral for the run.

But you have nothing
but a bare taint, son.

- I apologize for
wasting your time.

- Any serious dealer
would know better.

Can I ask what you paid for it?

My last shreds of dignity.

Oh.

[doorbell buzzing]

[jazzy music]

- You gave me a
fake Dorothy doll.

I'm shocked.

Oh no, you're not.

Oh well.

- I gave you a real
handjob for a fake doll.

- Well, there must be a
lesson in there somewhere.

I should call the cops.

Oh, go ahead.

"Oh, officer, the doll I got

for giving a 60-year-old
man a handjob

turned out to be a craft
project from Michael's."

Give me something valuable.

Give me that signed
playbill from Carnegie Hall.

They're all photocopies.

You're a fraud.

[Bud gasps]

You monster!

- I get two blowjobs a
week from greedy twinks.

Put that down, put that down!

This I can sell.

Petty thief!

You call the cops. [hisses]

Ah!

[Vernon sighs]

You're still here.

Buddy.

Just hanging with the guy.

Oh, I think I drank too much.

Bathroom.

- Oh, oh, oh God, oh my
God, oh God, oh God, oh.

[door slams]

[Daffyd cries]

[Daffyd groaning]

Oh my God, oh my God.

[Daffyd farting loudly]

What is he still doing here?

Pooping.

I can't ask him to
leave, he's dying.

If he dies in our bathroom,

you're paying my
share of the rent.

[Daffyd groans]

Is that guy still here?

His body's still here,

his spirit seems to be
going toward the light.

How'd your date go?

He wants a travel buddy.

- That's why I
chose him for you.

You're our traveler.

How am I a traveler?

- You're literally on a trip
abroad, stealing American jobs.

But you stole my job.

- I thought you
could use a break.

- Are you wearing a
jock strap to work?

I get more tips.

See, no panty line.

Touche.

[upbeat music]

[Bud moaning]

[people chattering]

Are you okay?

Pulled my groin.

So you should take table 12.

Gays?

One g*y that you know.

If you don't want the
table, I can just take it.

[upbeat music]

You stalking me now?

I like the sushi here.

- You need more
time with the menu?

Have a seat.

You trying to get me fired?

Just thought I'd see

if you had any repressed
memories come back,

like you sitting there,
me across from you.

You saying I...

Nothing.

Whatever happened,

it must have been too
traumatic to recover.

- And you can't take it
back, cat's outta the bag.

- Well, put the cat back
in the bag, tie a knot,

and toss it in the creek.

- Too late, I already fed
the cat, domesticated it,

and now it's a sweet little
p*ssy, purring in my lap.

- But you didn't declaw it so
you better cross your legs.

- Are you saying you've
changed your mind?

I don't think one little word

that I might or
might not have said

in a moment of casual weakness
should change anything.

- Most people would say that
word changes everything.

Most people.

[upbeat music continues]

[people chattering]

[toilet flushing]

Ooh, sorry.

Tab's room is down the hall.

Thanks.

You okay, man?

You were in there
for quite a while.

- Oh, being one of the guys
is pretty hard on the stomach.

Tell me about it.

How about you?

You've been in here a
long time, you doing okay?

Not really, no.

What could be so bad?

I lost everything.

I'm in so much debt, I
can never pay it back.

[Daffyd] How much debt?



- 30 grand? That's
less than a new car.

You can pay that off.

You know how much debt I'm in?



Debt on my house, two cars,
a couple of timeshares.

And that's not even
that bad for this city.

Being in crippling debt
is just normal adulthood.

sh*t.

Is that supposed to
make me feel better?

- How about this? You're gonna
die in debt, everyone does.

Even if you've paid off
your house, got a big 401k,

the day you die,

you're gonna owe a
credit card company

for the last two times
you filled up your car.

We all live in debt.

We all die in debt.

Yeah, I mean,

that actually does make
me feel a little better.

[door knocking]

So your wife called,

she's a little worried.

[lively music]

Hi.

Just hanging out with the guys.

Yeah.

♪ Give me one kiss goodbye

♪ Don't try to make
me stay for a while ♪

♪ Ooh