01x06 - Bits

[bunniefuu]

It is three minutes
since break time ended.

For the first time
in the history of double maths,

Joe Connolly is starting class
with a smile on his face.

If a maths lesson
is one hour and 40 minutes long

but Joe Connolly has to leave
after 5 minutes,

what percentage of the lesson
has Joe had to sit through?

- I don't know
- None!

He has to sit through
NONE of the lesson!

It's got to be more than 'none'.

Joe, we know you're going
to the stupid dentist.

At 11:05 Joe Connolly
is going to the stupid dentist.

He will enjoy the most
luxurious hour away from school.

Joe Connolly!
My favourite Customer!

Your teeth are amazing!

You win...

..ice cream!

It'll be
the best dentist trip ever

and most importantly,
it will not be double maths.

Sir! Sir! Sir!

Yes, Joe, you may leave.

Hiding his deep empathy
for those left behind...

See ya later, alligator!

..Joe Connolly is on his way.

] Now, the rest of you,
we're heading to the hall

for a special assembly.

Wait, what?

Joe Connolly
feels a great unease,

consumed by the need to know

what is happening
in that assembly.

Joe Connolly!

Aaahhh...

Hmm... have you been flossing?

What could be more important
than double maths?

This is so exciting.

I'm so happy I'm here
and not somewhere else.

Thank you for all being
here today to collect your...

..free crisps!

We're testing brand new flavours
so if you're not here right now,

chances are you'll
never ever taste them!

Ah! Electric fishfinger!

Apples and bliss! Mmm!

Chocolate chocolate!

It's never been done!

Do eat up!

You need to finish the crisps
before you can try these

time travelling hats!

Pete would travel back in time

to teach dinosaurs
how to play football.

Alright, mate? Fetch!

Frisbo would travel
forwards in time to meet--

Joe? Why are you still
in school uniform?

Because I missed that assembly!
They wouldn't let me leave! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Well, everything seems to be
in working--

- Joe?
- I'm so sorry.

Uhh! Can we go any faster?

Sorry, we won't
be drag-racing today.



Just relax.

You're off school.

I thought you'd enjoy this!

But what if
everything's changed?

I've missed the assembly and--

Joe, is that what
you're worried about?

You've only been gone an hour.

Nothing will have changed.
I promise.

Joe's mum is right.

- See ya, Mum!
- Nothing has changed.

Wazzzuuup!

Joseph.

Joe.

Eh...

In 9 years and 168 days,

Frisbo had never
refused a fist bump.

Something is very wrong.

So...?

What did I miss
in that rubbish assembly?

They told us about...

..our...

..bits.

Joe's life is over.

He knows absolutely nothing
about... bits.

Everyone aboard the Bits Bus!

Bits Pass, please.

But... But... I...

If Joe doesn't
get on this bus...

Sir, if you do not have
your Bits Pass,

please step aside
and allow those who do to board.

..He would be left behind.

- Bye, Joe!
- See ya later, alligator!

He'll never get on that bus.

As Joe sits down in class,

he knows
he cannot let this happen.

Joe Connolly
WILL board that bus.

- Mental about those bits, huh?
- You weren't there.

You don't know.

I so do!
I already knew.

I've been to loads of assemblies
about bits.

Basically an expert.

- Have I got fallopian tubes?
- Erm...

You said you were an expert.

No. You don't
have fallopian tubes.

Oh. Thanks.

Joe had done it. No one need
ever know what he didn't--

Fallopian tubes are only found
in people from Fallopia.

Really?
I guess that makes sense.

I think I'm an eighth Fallopian.

I was wondering about--

Puberty was invented
by Pubert Wintsworth in 1963.

- Should I be--
- Adam's apples...

are only for Adams
who don't chew properly.

- How much hair--?
- All over.

More than a weasel,
less than a Yeti.

- Will my--
- All voices break.

But they CAN be mended
by trained doctors.

Will I get spo--

Avoid baked beans and leopards
and you won't get spots.

- What are--
- A hormone is like a trombone...

that can only
be played by teenagers.

Okay, seats please.

As it turns out, Joe Connolly
knows a lot after all.

As normality resumes,
Joe can go back to his life

safe in the knowledge--

Before we start,
I just wanted to ask

if any of you had any questions

about this morning's assembly
on puberty?

Sir, can I play the hormone
in the school band?

What?! No, you can't play a--

How long will I be in hospital
for when my voice breaks?

You're a girl, it won't.

- Call me Adam from now on.
- Whoa! Whoa!

Sir, if I wear special pants,
will my eggs still scramble--

Stop!

Where did you guys
hear all this rubbish?

Deep inside a hole
of his own making,

Joe knows there is no escape.

Joe? Why would
you say these things?

There is just no explaining--

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT BITS!

Nice one, Dodo!

He doesn't know about bits!

Joe's life is over.

- Right. Joe? With me.
- He'll never know about bits.

In here.

If you have any questions,
come and find me after.

Always around
if you need a chat.

Joe Connolly has no idea

what is about to unfold
before his eyes.

Joe Connolly knows everything
about bits.

- What was THAT about?!
- I know!

And did you see
that bit with the..?

Ugh, don't remind me!

And nothing will ever
be the same again.

Did you see
Mr Gale in that one part?

- What?
- In the part with the bog?

- That's not Mr Gale!
- Yes, it was! It was him!

I heard he has
six toes on one foot!

Must be good at football!

Probably why--

He's a PE teacher!