02x09 - Et tu, Cam?

[bunniefuu]

[scribbling]

[scribbling]

[tense music playing]

Are you f*cking kidding me, Cam?
You're trying to take the team from me?

No, I'm not trying.
It's done. I already did it.

- You as*h*le!
- You're upset.

And I forgive you.

We're not gonna announce this
till the end of the season.

You don't have to go back to charities.

I'll make you a...
I'll make you a senior advisor.

The bullshit job that we created for you
because you were a drug addict?

Well, now you know how I felt.

You told me you didn't want your job back.

Well, I lied, okay?

It's classic addict behavior,
and if I don't lie, guess what?

I don't get what I want.

Oh my God. You only made me president
because you thought I'd fail.

You've been trying to sabotage me
this whole time.

First of all, I didn't think
you'd get to the playoffs last season.

Secondly, you blocked me
from getting the only coach I wanted.

Then you, Norm, and Marcus somehow
got on the same page.

- I was sh*t out of luck until I got Al.
- Mm-hmm. You know why?

Because I'm good at my job.

- I can't believe you're doing this.
- Now here are your options.

You can put a smile on your face.

We're gonna tell people this is
how it was supposed to go all along.

Or you can make a big,
ugly mess of this thing,

and you will get fired.

But either way, when this season ends,
I will be running the team.

Well, until then,
this is my office, so get the f*ck out!

- Jackie!
- Jackie!

- Jackie!
- Jackie!

[Isla] Jackie, I want you to tell Cam

I don't want him setting foot
in my office ever again.

Jackie, I want you to tell her

that pretty soon,
this is not gonna be her office,

and she should pack up her sh*t
and get the f*ck out.

[door opens]

You guys heard each other, right?

Yes. Thank you, Jackie.

♪ I'm the doctor
I'm the guru ♪

♪ I'm the king
Like Shaka Zulu ♪

♪ The diamonds dancing on me
They were wearing a tutu, yeah ♪

- [music fades]
- This is classic Cam.

He's so annoying with his little bracelets
and huge scarves.

Why is he always so cold?

Ali, what do I do here?

[Ali exhales]

We k*ll him. I can cut his brakes.

- My cousin's a mechanic. He showed me how.
- No, no, no, no, no.

No. If anything,
we'd make it look like an overdose.

- [Ali gasps]
- But we're not doing that!

Well, we have to do something.

Look, my job is as good as gone
if Cam takes over. He hates my a*s.

One time, I caught him using
my eye shadow, and he never forgave me.

Look, if you wanna put a stop to this,

you have to convince Stephen
not to sell his shares.

- Yes! Stephen!
- Right.

Okay, I'm gonna find him.

And we always have
the overdose option as a backup.

Ali, there can be no evidence
that we ever spoke of that.

- [Ali clears throat]
- Just act casual.

[Ali inhales sharply, clears throat]

- [softly] Hey, she's not in her office.
- [softly] I know.

I don't like this.
I don't like this at all.

I'm getting itchy.

- Are my hives resurfacing?
- Oh God!

How are they pulsating?

- [Ness grunts]
- Honestly, it's stressing me out too.

Why can't we figure out a way
that Isla and Cam both get what they want?

Like if I gave you $20
and you put calamine lotion on my back.

Stop. Stop.
Maybe we can fix this, you know?

There's... there's a lot of power
being in the middle.

Yeah, we play it like CT and Trishelle
on Traitors season 2.

You watch Traitors?
Why didn't you tell me? We could...

Never mind. Let's go talk to Cam.

Maybe we can negotiate something
between him and Isla.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Hey, would you want to do
a Traitors podcast with me?

- We call it Alan Cummings and Goings.
- I'm not doing another podcast with you.

♪ Movin' up, up ♪

♪ Movin' up, up... ♪

[woman] I have some big news.

I just found out I'm going to be
in Christopher Nolan's new movie,

Charlemagne, with Austin Butler.

Wow, that's huge.

I know, but the movie films in Bulgaria,
and I'll be gone for five months.

Oh, wow.

Well, I'll just come visit you
after the season.

Actually, I used to play in Sofia

until they turned the arena into
a prison for political dissidents.

Look, Dyson, I really like you,
but I really need to focus on this movie.

It's a lot of work with Austin,
and he's a method actor.

Wait a minute.

Are you breaking up with me so you can
pretend to be Austin Butler's wife?

I think our lives are headed
in different directions right now.

Is this because
I didn't know who Toni Morrison was?

Toni's a man's name.

No, it's not that,
but you should read more.

I leave in a couple of days,

and you should be focused on
the playoffs anyway.

Wow, I lost my appetite.

Excuse me. Can I have
my Lil' Shogun chicken tenders to go?

Thank you.

[gentle pop music playing]

With over 185 newly constructed
bus and train routes, the LA Olympics...

Excuse me. Stephen?

Stephen.

Hi. It's Isla. From work.

Why are you doing here? You're not on
the committee for the Olympics.

Uh...

- Did you steal that badge?
- No. I'm, uh...

Venus Williams! I love her. Is she coming?

- Oh Jesus.
- Uh...

Make it quick. I don't want to miss
the reveal of the Games' mascot.

I'm hoping they use my idea.

A coyote named Cali.

Great. Stephen,
I just don't think you should sell.

Look where I've gotten the team.

We have a legit chance
to win a title this year.

That would be amazing,
and a perfect way to go out on top.

Okay, damn it, that's poetic for you,
but what about what we've built together?

Isla, I like you,
and I do respect what you've done,

but I can't turn down
the kinda money that Al is offering.

Okay, so there's nothing I can do
to convince you not to sell?

Not unless you find someone
that'll pay me more money than Al.

Okay. Well, then that's what I'm gonna do.

I will get back to you ASAP with an offer.

Mmm. Well, you better leave
before Venus gets here.

She won't appreciate your shenanigans.

[pensive music playing]

What do you guys want?

'Cause Lizzy's opening a jewelry store
at the Brentwood Country Mart,

and I gotta be there.

Well, we just wanted to talk
about your plan for next season

in regards to Isla,

because we think
she's been doing pretty good as president.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Better than me?
- No, no.

No, we... Look, we...
we love you, bro, okay?

But it's that, you know, she's family too,

and so we were thinking
maybe that you guys could be, um...

I don't know,

co-presidents.

No. No.

Nothing has two presidents.

And don't say those p*ssy countries that
have a prime minister and a president.

Look, we know it's a little unorthodox,

but Ness and I are
the highest level employees here,

and we've worked with both you and Isla.

Yeah, and... and in transition times
like this, we could be very crucial.

Are you guys trying to f*cking middle me?
You think I'm like a Johnny Bananas?

You watch Traitors too?

Guys, it's my favorite show!

Hey, this isn't a f*cking game, all right?

And you two don't have the power
that you think you have.

Okay, well, for the record,
I never thought I had power

until Sandy convinced me.

- I...
- [Cam] All right, listen to me.

You love your sister, right?
Technically, we all "love" each other.

But you two dumbasses need to choose
a side, and I would recommend

choosing the side that can give you
a f*cking job next season, understand?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay. Bring it in.

Come on!

You're my baby bro. I love you.

- I love you too.
- Love you too.

- Come on. Get over here.
- [exhales]

Hey, don't forget we committed
a financial crime together, all right?

- Love you.
- Love you.

- That was... not good.
- No, no.

I've been looking for you guys.

Isla, look.
I had no idea about Cam's plan.

I swear on my children.

And I swear on my cat,
which is the same thing.

- Didn't he die?
- Remy lives on in my heart.

We cannot pretend to care
about Sandy's dead cat right now.

We need funds. We need them fast.

Sandy, you're my CFO.
What are we gonna do?

- We?
- Mm-hmm.

As in, like, uh, we us,
the three of us against Cam?

Yes! Uh...

- Unless you think Cam should be president.
- No.

- No, I... I wouldn't phrase it like that.
- Mm-mm.

I would say maybe, um,
there are good people on both sides.

[Ness grunts softly]

Okay, and Ness, what about you?

No, why I... I was thinking co-presidents,
but Cam shot that down, so...

Wow.

[melancholy music playing]

You're just gonna wait
and see how this plays out, huh?

Fine. I'll do this on my own.

[melancholy music fades]

- Good people on both sides?
- Co-presidents?

- It's an idea.
- So is mine.

[announcer] Welcome to game one
of the playoff matchup

between your very own LA Waves
and the Phoenix Flames.

[hip-hop music playing]

[buzzer blares]

All right, come on.

- [Marcus] Bring it in.
- [Travis] Game 1. Let's go.

- Lock in. Lock in.
- [Norm] Let's go. Bring it in.

[announcer] We're ready to tip off
and Waves playoff basketball.

[hip-hop music continues]

Dyson Gibbs, right?

- Yeah.
- You're in my seat.

- Oh. Uh, my bad.
- [Norm] Dyson, get over here!

Thanks for keeping it warm.

[announcer] Game one of the playoffs,
and we are underway.

Gibbs dribbles, shoots.

It's an air ball!

[crowd jeering]

Dyson, get your head in the game!

[announcer] Let's see if Dyson can
get it going.

Horrible pass.

Another turnover.

[announcer 2] And Phoenix scores again.

[announcer] I guess Norm wants
to let Dyson play through it.

LA down big in the fourth.

Dyson has it again, and he loses it again.

[announcer 2] What is going on
with him tonight?

[announcer] And the Waves lose
the first game of the playoffs

behind an abysmal showing
from Dyson Gibbs,



Terrible start to this postseason.

Everything is falling apart,
and I have no vices to deal with it.

Should I start vaping?

- Wha...?
- Oh, you want mine? It's bubblegum flavor.

Jackie, that is terrible for you.
I wasn't serious.

[Ali] Look, it's only one loss.

It's fine. You don't need to flip out yet.

Plus, I think I might've found
an interested buyer.

- But I need to vet him.
- No! There's no time to vet.

As long as he can offer Stephen
more than Al, that's all that matters.

God.

Oh.

So, did you talk to Norm?

- What's wrong with Dyson?
- Well, it's not good.

It turns out that Dyson took
a pretty bad hit the other day.

Looks like it's a broken...

Oh, Jesus.

...heart.

Why did you pause like that?

I thought Dyson was injured.

We're not gonna lose the playoffs
because he's sad about a lady.

I know that, all right?

The players are on it.

- They're gonna lift him up.
- Oh!

- Where's the vape?
- [Ali] What?

Isla? Oh my God. What are you doing?

No, what are you doing? Oh... Oh my God!

- Got it.
- [Ali] Oh my...

- Isla, no. You... Give me that.
- Ew.

Hey, yo, Dyson. Hold up, man.

Don't worry about tonight, bro.
We'll get 'em back game two.

Man, I don't even care.
The news just came out about Zoé's movie.

[Travis] Sick. Hoyte van Hoytema's
sh**ting it.

Relationships with movie stars are
famously short-lived, bro.

Like me and Holland Taylor.

- For real?
- Yeah.

Man, you guys don't get it.
I'm in love with this woman.

Bro, I know what love is.
We're in that sh*t right now.

Like, there are times
when Brielle and I are together

where neither of us are even looking
at our phones.

So if that's what you had with Zoé,
you gotta get her back.

How? What do I do?

- Make it known, bro.
- Mm-hmm.

Like when Brielle caught me sending
d*ck pics to fans, I flew her out to Vegas

and had the Bellagio Fountain spell out,
"I'm real sorry."

We smashed in the bathroom
at Guy Fieri's right after.

- Mm-hmm. Bam!
- Ooh!

[both laugh]

See what I mean, bro?

Now our bond is tighter than ever.
Look at that.

Oh my gosh, you're pregnant?

It's a labradoodle we'll adopt.
We'll name it Trielle.

Combination of our names.

- Travis and Brielle.
- Yeah, it was either that or Bravis.

Oh, look at it.

- [Travis laughs]
- It's so cute, baby.

- Mmm...
- It's so cute.

Okay, I get it. Please, stop.

g*dd*mn.

[funky pop music playing]

[Cam snorting]

- Oh.
- [Cam coughs]

- Yo, Jackie, come on in.
- I didn't know it was you in here.

I was just checking out the old office.

God, it's so dusty.

You know, Jackie,
a lot of things will be changing here,

and I don't just mean for me.

How would you... like to be

the director of special operations?

- [gasps] Oh... Wow.
- [chuckles]

That sounds... special.

That d*ck of yours has pissed its way
to the big leagues.

What do you say?

[exhales]

I think it's really nice,
but can I think about it?

[laughs] Okay. Not sure
what there is to think about.

You know what?

You just let me know ASAP, all right?

Oh, and, uh... keep hydrated, all right?

Hydrated.

[melancholy music playing]

I've looked at the prospectus,

and I would love to invest
a large amount of money with LA Waves.

Oh, that is amazing, Dimi. [chuckles]

Remind me what industry your family's in.

Yellowcake.

[gasps] Oh, so baked goods.

Uh, uranium.

But... but it's not enriched, right?

[all laugh]

Is intermediate step.

But you would be able to provide us

with all the financials and tax documents
that our board would need

to know the money's coming
from a legitimate source.

There'll be no paper trail.

Funds will be wired to LA Waves
from Kolokov Weapons, LLC, Cayman Islands.

Okay, thank you for your interest
and for coming in, Dimi.

- [Ali] Yes.
- I will escort you out.

[Dimi] Thank you.

That is f*cking insane.

You told me not to vet him.

I think a small Google search can identify
a w*r criminal.

Look, I hate to say it,
but I don't think we can beat Al's offer.

I mean, no one is willing to give us
that kind of money this fast.

Okay, you're right. If we can't beat him,
we gotta join him.

Hmm?

I'm just gonna have to offer Al
something Cam cannot.

Isla? No, I will not let you
dishonor yourself like that.

- What? No, Ali, not that.
- Oh.

We need to find out
where Al Fleischman is right now.

I didn't sleep at all last night,

and none of my usual tricks worked.




- So you had dinner backwards?
- Look, I thought a lot about it.

And Isla doesn't deserve
to go down like this.

I think we should support her,
no matter the cost.

Hold on, okay?

I know you're hopped up on no sleep
and morning Negronis,

but there's no way Isla has
the money to buy the majority vote.

But we can figure this out, you know?

I mean, not this, but what if
we kidnap one of Bituin's sisters?

Her family would definitely pay,
especially if we take the pretty one.

Look, I get it, okay?

Isla, she's been good,

but Cam was the president first,
and he was also good,

so isn't good first better
than good second?

That makes no sense.
You never make no sense.

I'm just saying I support Cam.
I have to, and that is that.

What is going on with you?
Talk to me, Sandy.

You've never liked Cam.
He's bullied you your whole life.

And sometimes people are mean
to the ones that they love.

Like when he called me g*y Urkel,

he was... he was helping me
out of the closet. Really.

You're lying to me.

- I--
- I can tell. I can smell it.

[grunts]

Cam embezzled $2 million from the team,
and I helped cover it up.

Oh my God!

Shh... shh... shh... shh.

Why would he put
that many rhinestones on something?

What?

No, not bedazzled. Embezzled.

- I...
- Fraud. He committed fraud.

And technically,
I'm complicit, so I can't go against Cam.

God, Sandy.

- [grunts]
- I know!

[upbeat pop music playing]

Two, three. Okay.
And hip, two and three and four.

Ooh!

Hey, Tatiana, you're going too fast.

Al, it's the cha-cha-cha.

Yeah, well, my carbonara is
coming up, up, up.

Hey, Tats, take five.

Isla.

- To what do I owe the pleasure?
- Didn't know you ballroom danced.

Well, you know, I really want to win
Dancing with the Stars.

Oh, you're on Dancing with the Stars.

No, but if and when they call,
I want to be ready.

[inhales] Let me get right to the point.

Um, Al, how would you like to be the
majority owner of the Los Angeles Waves?

[laughs]

Hey, uh, Tats, get Isla a coconut water.

I think she's a little lightheaded.
Are you lightheaded?

If I sell you my shares
along with the ones you're already buying,

you will own over 50% outright.

Mm. And why would I want to do that?
I already got a deal with Cam.

If you go with Cam,

you'll have to side with him
every time you want something.

If you take my offer,

you have total control.

Okay, and what's in it for you?

I stay president.

Long-term deal.

Non-negotiable.

[inhales] Ooh!

You're a snake, which is a compliment
in the plumbing world.

So do we have a deal?

I'll get the paperwork started.

Congrats, partner.

[hip-hop music playing]

[laughs]

Yo, you all right?

It's the playoffs. I'm fine.

[Dyson] Hey, I hope you're happy, Travis.

Zoé blocked me on everything, even Venmo.

- No. What? Seriously?
- [puppies whimpering]

Why you got a box full of dogs?

It was the grand gesture.

You and Brielle seemed so happy,
and Zoé said she loves dogs,

so I thought I'd get her some.

[laughs] Wait, wait, wait.

You bought a girl who's about to move
halfway around the world a bunch of dogs?

What the hell were you thinking?

I don't know.
I guess I just suck, all right.

Okay, I suck.

Hey, man. Hey, come back and get a hug.

Yo, what are we supposed to do
with all these dogs?

They said we were down and out.

Kaput.

Dancing on our graves. Left us for--

- Who is "they"?
- Cam.

Or maybe some other jerks. I don't know.

Point is, we beat them.

We frickin' destroyed them.

Yeah, but... but just to ask, I mean,

are you worried you're in business
with someone you can't trust?

Al tossed Cam to the side
first chance he got.

- He could do the same to you.
- Nope. I negotiated a long-term contract.

Legally, Al can't get rid of me.

And what about your brothers?

With total control, Al could fire them.

I am trying to make the best
out of a bad situation,

and they chose not to take sides.

Isn't staying in control what we wanted?

No, of course.

Look, and I am with you no matter what,

but, I mean, would you still want
to be president

if it meant
none of your brothers were with you?

[funky pop music playing]

This look brings you here.
That pick's there.

Look off fast. Cut. Boom. There.

Down low and we're there.

...so concession sales down
almost 5% on Q4.

I think we can, um, you know,
bolster that...

♪ Love survived ♪

Hi. One sec.

♪ Only my love ♪

That's for you.

♪ Love survived ♪

♪ Only my love survived ♪

♪ Love survived ♪

♪ Only my love ♪

♪ Love survived ♪

So, bit of an issue.
Norm isn't starting Dyson.

He said he's the worst player
he's seen since Eddie.

Eddie Montgomery,
the player from the '90s?

Nope. Eddie the dog.

He coached a charity game
with the cast of Frasier.

Oh, damn it.

Also, Al keeps calling.
He wants to close the deal.

[Isla] Well, he can keep calling.
I'm not screwing over my brothers.

[Ali] Wait, what?

[melancholy music playing]

[Isla] Hey.

Heard you're having girl trouble.

I don't feel like talking.

Dyson, come on.

Please.

Look, I know it sucks,

but in a year from now,
you won't even be thinking about her.

Her billboards will be
all over Los Angeles,

and her press clips are going to
inundate your socials.

Oh, man.

No, not the point.

Dyson,

you and I,

we are linked.

We started this together,

and this might be
our last chance to win a ring together.

How about next season? We can run it back.

[melancholy music playing]

[softly] Um...

I might not be here next season,

but it doesn't matter
because you've worked your a*s off.

Wait, what? What are you talking about?

I had a chance to get everything I wanted,

but that would've meant
sacrificing everyone I loved,

and I could not live with that regret,
and Dyson, I do not want you to regret

not giving everything you got
to win a title.

I wouldn't have come this far
if it weren't for you.

I can't let you go out like this.

We are winning this season.

Thank you, Dyson.

And Zoé who, right? [chuckles]

Oh my gosh. Why would you say her name?

My bad.

[melancholy music fades]

It's gonna be okay.

[funky pop music playing]

Hey, hey.
Sorry we haven't had the time to talk,

but it's been a bit crazy.

Heard Cam's offering you a big promotion.

What?

Cam.

- Oh, our Cam!
- Jackie, it's okay.

Just wanted to say you should take it.

You've more than earned it.
I'm really proud of you.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I'll be fine.

Thank you.

Some steak, please?

Oh, careful.

[both chuckles]

Very juicy.

[announcer] Game two tonight.
LA hosts Phoenix.

[announcer 2] The Waves gotta get back
on track, John.

[John] Gibbs with the early jumper.

It's good. That's a good sign.

LA looking focused tonight.

Winfield has it
top of the key, dribbles right.

It's good!

[crowd cheers]

[rap music playing]

[John] LA is cruising here in the fourth.

Winfield in charge of the offense,
dribbles right.

Alley-oop

Slam dunk!

Elevator! Elevator!

[John] Gibbs again.

Drives baseline and he flushes it.

[buzzer blares]

[John] LA demolishes Phoenix
to even the series.

[announcer 2] Now this is the Waves team
we saw all season.

[John] Dyson Gibbs goes for 40.

Dare I say
the Waves have found their mojo.

♪ Ready to go
I'm ready to, ready to, ready to go ♪

[knocking on door]

- Packing up?
- [Cam] Yeah.

Can't wait
to get out of this janitor closet.

I am gonna miss the fumes though.

[Cam inhales]

Here's my urine for your drug test.

Look at that.

Oh, it's hot. [laughs]

Just to be clear, I'm not gonna
get in trouble for any of this, right?

Oh, come on. I've been using your piss
for a month now. Nobody's caught on.

Keep your mouth shut. We'll be good.

So does this mean what I think it means?

[tense music playing]

I've thought about your offer,
and I'm really excited to accept.

[laughs] All right. Come on, bring it in.

Come on, get over here.
Hustle. Come on. There we go.

My guy.

We're a team now.

I got you, Cam.

Hey.

Hey.

Al's here.

- What?
- Yeah.

He keeps inviting me
to Laguna Beach and saying

there's no way my top'll stay on
on the back of a Sea-Doo.

- Oh, hey. Isla.
- Al.

What's with the wait?

I mean, are we doing the deal or what?

Because believe it or not,
I got a lot going on.

I'm in the middle
of hiding my assets from my ex-wife.

Mmm. I can't sell you my shares, Al.

What?

You and Cam can do your worst.

Take control of the team, fire me,
but I'm not screwing over my family.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Isla, you don't want to do this.

I am a very... very powerful man.

You'll never remodel a bathroom
in this town again.

[exhales]

Jeez.

Well, at least you'll have your morals
when we're both unemployed.

Look, whatever we do after this,
we're doing it together.

I'd work at Sephora
in a second with you, b*tch.

[both chuckle]

Hey, we got to talk to you.

We have a plan to keep you in charge.

You're gonna want to hear this.

[upbeat song playing]

[music fades]