02x05 - The Mystery of the Marauding Mascot

[bunniefuu]

- It's easy.
If you just follow the clues,

you always get it right.

- But did John Hunchman
get it right?

How did he go from being
a famous boy detective

to a sad, lonely man?

- Last year John
and I realized

we never really grew up.

- No, no. I've had plenty
of human girlfriends.

Promise me you won't use this?

- Ma'am? Uh, if you don't like
the show,

do you mind if I switch
to the game?

- I like this show,
bud.

I like it a lot.

And by the way, bud, that's a
fudging no on the fudging game.

You were such a star then.

Does it hurt to think
about those days now?

- I don't really think
about the past.

- You sure don't,
you bung hole.

- Before we go tonight,
some tragic news,

Grubby has struck again.

The high school
mascot-gone-rogue

was just spotted throwing
stink bombs

into the Luxury Electric
Car Dealership in New Downtown.

We have this exclusive video

from an uncompensated
citizen journalist.

- Grubby! Grubby! Grubby!

- Oh, that smell.
- Hork! Hork!

- My nose.
- Hork! Hork!

Solutions.

Mystery solutions here.

Hot solutions.

Hey, kids,
got a mystery you want solved?

Need a hot analytical mind?

- Yeah,
as a matter of fact I do.

What kind of pedo freak show
hands out business cards

at a high school?

- This guy.
Mystery solved. What a loser.

- This is depressing.

Ugh, I'm calling it, David.

Operation grow Up?
It's a bust.

- No! Wrong!

Dr. Marjorie Frost says
only failures accept failure.

Winners soar above reality.

Here, eat this;
put this in your mouth.

It's gonna help you.
- I don't wanna--

what is that?
- It's a Frost Bite.

It's prehistoric meat stick

featuring curated
ancient proteins

like crocodile and lizard.

- Why are you eating it?

- Because it's part
of Dr. Frost's Dinosaur Diet.

It's all I'm allowed
to eat now.

No more eating leaves.

- Bonjour! Bonjour! Yo-yo!
Monsieur Hunchman!

I see you are once again
working for teenagers.

Or trying to.

- Well, Pon-Pon, we don't
have much choice, do we?

You stole
all our grown-up clients.

- Ouais! This is true, but, uh,
look on the bright side.

You are no longer a virgin,
uh,

because you've finally
been f*cked.

- I-is he gone?

Ahh!

- What is that?
- The f*ck are you?

- Grubby! Hork! Hork! Hork!

But you can call me Mitch.

- Mmm.

Oh,
thank you for this meat stick.

It's delicious.

- I know!

- Mr. Hunchman,
you gotta believe me,

I'm the good Grubby,
the original.

That bad Grubby you see on TV?

He's an imposter.

- So you're saying
there's a second Grubby?

- Yeah, I know.
It's very confusing

- Why don't you start
from the beginning?

- Okay,
so I'm the mascot performer

on the cheer squad.

Of course, I was
supposed to be the old mascot,

the Smoking Baby.

- Whoa, you were gonna be
Smoking Baby?

That's amazing.
- Well, yeah. You know,

My great-grandad was
the very first Smoking Baby.

But my dad was the first
Smoking Baby

to actually shave
his whole body.

He passed last year.

Oh! And then my uncle Steve
flunked senior year on purpose

so he could be Smoking Baby
for a fifth year.

And my cousin Steve
was the last Smoking Baby--

uh, before Smoking Baby
got canceled.

- Long overdue, some might say.

- Oh, right, Okay, Hooray.
Another win for the Woke Mob.

I mean, sure it's "bad"
for babies to smoke now.

But those were different times.

I mean, remember,
when we went took the SAT

we had mandatory smoke breaks.

- Okay, David.
- I love Smoking Baby forever.

I will never turn my back
on Smoking Baby.

I mean, what even is
a "Grubby"?

- He's this wacky monster
I made up.

He represents the spirit
of fun.

- Who lately has been
running around trashing

fancy coffee shops
and farting in the Apple store.

Okay,
that's actually awesome.

- Goodbye forever,
Smoking Baby.

Time moves on.
Hello, Grubby.

I embrace you.
- But that's Bad Grubby.

Good Grubby just wants
everyone to have fun.

- So why were you hiding
in the bushes?

- The police are watching
my house now.

You've gotta clear
Grubby's name,

good Grubby's name,
not bad Grubby's name.

- Hmm. Making a full big-head
mascot costume isn't easy.

It takes special skills,
resources...

- Believe me,
I know.

This amazing cosplay expert
I know made it for me.

Ah.

I think I know who
you're talking about.

Mitch, stay here.

Don't leave until
I let you know it's safe.

- Well, well, the old
vape store stake-out g*ng

together again.

- Wow, Monica. I didn't
know the junior college

had a cosplay major.

- Ugh, They didn't.
I started it last semester

as self-directed study,
and now 200 kids are enrolled.

- Wow, that's awesome.
- Unbelievable.

College kids are getting degrees
in dressing up

like the Herculoids
or Strawberry Shortcake

or whoever?

How is that gonna prepare them
for the real world?

- Ha. Do you want to know
how much I made

off my Twitch stream
last month?

- Uh, I don't know what
that is, but sure.

Show me how much amazing
money you made last month.

- And that's after taxes.

- Look. I don't know why
you're here.

I already told the police
I only made one Grubby costume.

- Hmm, I wonder if this might
be a case

of Dr. Grubby and Mr. Grubby.

- Wait, now there are four
Grubbys?

- No, David.
I'm suggesting that there is

one Grubby
with two personalities,

both of them named Mitch.

And send.

- But there is a second Grubby.

These are hairs leftover
from the Grubby suit

I made for Mitch.
- Hmm.

- It took me three months
to get that

from my fur guy in Seoul.
- Oh.

- Now take a look at this.

These are the hairs you
collected

from Bad Grubby's attack
on that Vintage Denim shop.

- Hmm, "Behold,
I stand at the door"--

- "And knock.
If any man hear my voice

"and open the door
I will come in to him

and will sup with him,
and he with me."

That's
Revelations 3:30, John.

It's from the Bible.
Super-famous book.

- I presume this came from
Hobby Nobby?

- Mmm-hmm,
Dicktown's

one and only wildly
Christian craft store.

And you know I don't f*ck
with Hobby Nobby.

- Okay, but maybe Mitch made

the second Grubby costume
himself

with Hobby Nobby fur but
based on your design.

- No.
I'm telling you,

it's not Mitch.

I should know.
He's my boyfriend.

- Oh.
- What?

- Oh, but don't tell
Mitch's mom.

She... doesn't like me.

Oh, excuse me.

Go for Hunchman.

- John,
I'm at your houseboat.

You were right
Mitch is gone.

And also, your bathroom
is a wreck.

- What?
- Wait, there's more.

I just saw Grubby on
a rideshare moped

speeding the wrong way
up Collegetown Avenue.

I'm gonna call it in.

- No, don't call it in yet.

- Okay.
Why are we at Mitch's house?

- It's the last place I can
think of to look.

We got to find that kid.

He's very troubled
in the head.

Okay. Heather's called in
her Grubby sighting.

Let's move in.

Ahh!

Ahh!

- What are you doing here?

- Well, we could ask
the same of you.

- I snuck in through the
backyard.

I had a digestive emergency

that your houseboat bathroom
couldn't handle.

- Yeah, Frost Bite's will wreck
a toity.

You see, our colons
and buttholes have evolved

too much since prehistoric
times.

- I'm sorry my butthole
is too modern.

- Never mind that.

Mitch, this shrine is very
artfully constructed.

Does your mom by any chance
craft?

- How did you know?

- Hmm, show me.

- Wha? A lock? That's new.

What do you think
the combination is?

- Hmm, alphanumeric.

Try 22623563.

Whoa.

What does 22623563 spell?

- David, it spells...

- Cancel me!

Cancel me!

Grubby! Grubby!

Grubby! Grubby! Grubby!

- No, no. No Grubby, no.
Boo Grubby.

Cancel me.

- Bad Grubby,
stop throwing wine, please.

Please, Mama.

Oh, my God. What the? Grubby.

- There were like nine
different versions

of the Grubby costume
in her crafting room.

It was like Tony Stark's
lab in there.

- Shh. Be quiet.
I'm watching this.

- They canceled Smoking Baby,
son.

I'm just trying to protect our
family's legacy.

- I know, Mama.

Mr. Hunchman
figured out your plan:

trashing the Tesla dealership,

the Apple store,
then the hot yoga studio

all leading to this fancy
white wine shop.

- Exactly, all the fancy sh*t
that liberals like.

I thought if I attacked them
then the Woke Mob

would cancel Grubby
and we'd get Smoking Baby back.

But Grubby just got more
and more popular.

- 'Cause liberals don't love
those places, Mama.

Deep down everyone hates
those places.

- Really?

Even this white wine shop?

What is there to hate
about a store

that only serves whites?

- Cancel that lady.

- Hey, she's talking
about wine.

My mama isn't r*cist.

Uh, are you?
- No.

It's just...

Monica,
I don't get the cosplay.

You dress my boy up,
hide him in fur

instead of letting him be
the big,

beautiful Smoking Baby
he was born to be.

- Uh, Mitch,
you want to take this one?

- I love her, Mama.

And I don't want to shave my
whole body and wear a diaper

or smoke, actually.

Well,
I can't say I understand,

but if this is what makes
you happy, here you go, Grubby.

Grubby! Grubby!
Grubby!

Grubby! Grubby! Grubby!

Grubby! Grubby!
Grubby! Grubby! Grubby!

Oh, my God.

David, it's her.
It's Madame Slingshot.

- What's a Madame Slingshot
now?

- The woman who's been
stalking me. There.

- Her real name is
actually Motorcycle Car Lady.

Wh-where is she?
I don't see her.

Wait a minute.
John, that's Kaydee.

- What? Who?

- Kaydee Festermeyer
from high school, man.

- Kaydee Festermeyer?

Why does that name
sound familiar?

- Oh-h*-h*,
she was a legend.

She cured her own tobacco.

She had, like,
a super-dangerous beehive.

She had a
pet raccoon named Ripper,

who she kept in her locker.

Oh, and her mom glued hair
on the dolls

at the Lettuce Head
Southern Dolls factory.

- Hey, Purefoy,
how the fudge are you?

- Hey, what's up, Kaydee?

- I don't think
your little friend

has been following my clues.

- I think he just
figured it out.

- Don't talk to her
like it's normal.

- The Mystery
of the Golden Lungs.

- It's easy.

If you just follow the clues,
you always get it right.

- In tenth grade the Tobacco
Club's Golden Lungs trophy

was stolen.

You traced it
to Kaydee's locker.

She got suspended,
and no one ever saw her again.

- You know what you did yet,
Hunchman, huh?

You see the big picture?

- No, I don't.
What do you want from me?

What do you want?

- Revenge!

- I hate to say this,

but I think she wants revenge.

Made in Georgia