01x09 - State of the Union

[bunniefuu]

[Elena] Diary, we hadn't seen Sam
in, like, a week, for some reason.

If we're not on the same page,
I don't think I can do this.

[sighs]

[Elena] No one really knew why, but...

Bobby got in a fight with Liam.

And my BFFAESNSOTBFBU, Sasha,
had betrayed me for Jessica.

The poetry reading
was really important to me.

And then you, like,
immediately needed me again.

[Elena] I need you to drop everything
and help me ASAP.

♪ I'm here for it ♪

♪ Facing fears and chasing dreams ♪

♪ Just winging it ♪

♪ And I'm staying true to me ♪

♪ Hello world
I wonder who I'll be ♪

♪ No matter what I do ♪

♪ It's all about my journey ♪

♪ Lo puedo lograr ♪

[alarm beeps]

Tallahassee.

Diary, spring break was over,

and today was the day Sasha and I
had been looking forward to for years.

The big sixth-grade trip
to Florida's capital, Tallahassee.

We've been talking about it for ages.

How we'd be roommates in a hotel.

Drink soda from the vending machine
with ice from the ice machines.

In Tallahassee, Sasha would apologize
for betraying me

and return to being the best to my bugs,

all while we learn about
Florida's many a legislative process.

Good morning, Robertico.

Can I have my phone back now?

We had an agreement,
after your fight with Liam

that I would give it back to you
after the break,

as long as you were feeling...

Non-violent.

I am. I promise. Peace on Earth.

[Gabi] And?

Willing to check in with my emotions,
use my words, and not escalate conflict.

Hmm. Here you go.

Thank you.

Good morning, family.

Shut up.

Sorry. Peace and love.

Tostadas again?

I need protein for the drive.

I'm sorry, I didn't have time
to assemble the buffet.

What about Sambled eggs?

Yeah, we haven't seen Sam in, like,
a week. Where's he been?

Um, Sam's been busy at work lately,
on a case. [clears throat]

Elena, did you wrap your toothbrush
with toilet paper?

Yep.

And I packed Broomsbriar-themed MadLibs

for Sash and I to play
on the bus to Tallahassee.

It's gonna be a rat stew cauldron
of a bus ride.

Oh, did you guys work things out?

I mean, not technically.

I tried to talk to her at the dance,

but she said not everything's about me
all the time, which, rude.

Well, actually...

But, here's the thing, Mami.

Sasha's had the whole spring break
to reflect.

She's definitely gonna apologize
to me before we get on the bus.

That sounds really one-sided.

Oh! Gotta go to school.
Can't be late for the bus.

That would be a dragon's necklace.

God, you're not even human.

But I accept you and love you...
peacefully.

Welcome back, spring breaker.

Man, I envy you.

Taking five vacation days in a row.

I would have gone
to Saint Martin, but you...

you stayed at home with your kids.

- Qué glamour.
- Ha ha.

You know that when Elena and Bobby
have a break from school,

I like to spend it with them.

[Camila] But I'm used to them coming here.

Elena pretending to lead board meetings.

Bobby clogging up the toilet
and then blaming it on Craig.

Perhaps there was someone in the office
you were trying to avoid?

Yes, I'm talking to her right now.

Gabi, I know it's tough,
but you can't avoid Sam forever.

His office is five feet away.

I am not avoiding him. I'm fine.

Oh. So fine that you brought a toaster
from home

so you don't have to run into him
in the break room?

It's okay.
Sam and I were on different pages.

Things end.

And now we are back
to being professional co-workers.

Hmm. So, how are the kids handling it?

Oh, wow, look at all these emails.

You haven't told them!
This is classic Gabi.

Interesting coming from you.

Aren't your parents
coming to town tomorrow,

and you are pretending that
your girlfriend is just your roommate?

Danielle loves building
that second IKEA bed.

It's a Songsand.
Or, it's a Songesand, or...

Oh, wow, there are a lot of emails.

Mm-hmm.

[school bell rings]

[chattering]

Hey, put it down. I have sleep apnea.

Look, it changes color
based on the temperature.

Well, it should be turning blue.

[chuckles] So cool.
Thanks for getting me one.

[Dr. Cooper] Uh, everyone,
please quiet down. The bus is waiting.

A note about the Tallahassee trip:
Prank calls are against hotel policy.

And also they are hurtful.

Okay, room assignments.

In a full and regrettable capitulation
to the PTA board,

we did honor roommate requests.

"Joey and Ryan.
Jessica and Melissa. Elena and Sasha."

Excuse me, Dr. Cooper.
Is it possible to change roommates?

Brittany and I wanna room together.

Actually, that works out
because Sasha and I wanna be roommates.

Yeah. We do.

Oh, God. This is exactly what
I told the PTA would happen.

They never listen.

Okay. Uh, so it'll be Melissa
with Brittany.

Jessica with Sasha.

And Elena, I'll put you in a solo room.

[Elena] Sasha was supposed to apologize.

We were supposed to be roommates.

[door closes]

Hey, Bobby.

How was your break?

Boring, you?

- Uh...
- Yeah, uh, boring.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Saw that video of you guys
doing a belly flop contest

at Liam's grandma's pool.

Oh, yeah. I won that.

Oh, but it was so boring. [clears throat]

So, yeah, uh, where is Liam?

He...

Uh, Liam just needs a minute
after what happened at the dance.

- You get it.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally.

- It's chill.
- Yeah.

Oh, we'll go.

Heard Monyca with a Y's
trying for Palo Alto first base.

Which is "sharing your truth."

- Hey.
- Hey.

You okay?
I've been trying to call you all break.

Yeah, my mom took away my phone
after the dance.

Yeah, um, I wanted to ask...

- What was up with that?
- Liam was being really weird.

No.

I mean how you barely talked to me
the entire dance.

That was supposed to be, like, our night.

You know, as a couple.

Oh, uh...

Sorry. We just...

We planned this whole prank and Liam was...

Fine. But I just...

Can I share my truth?

[sighs] Palo Alto. [sighs]

Bobby, we don't hang out that much.

And we never really kiss, even though
we both agreed we're super good kissers.

Is something going on?

No, no, it's... It's just, Liam is...

Again with Liam.

Bobby, sometimes I feel like you care
more about Liam than your own girlfriend.

What?

Liam?

No, no. I care about you.

You... are...

you're awesome.

I... I love you.

- You do?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.

You're my girlfriend, so I love you.

Let's go on a date later.

Smoothies? I'll text you.

[feet shuffling]

That's for me.

I heard a thing you're not gonna like.

They found mold in the break room,
didn't they?

Ay, now we gotta get MRIs.

I just ran into Joy's assistant.

And he told me that you and Sam
are being put on a case together.

Hmm. [chuckles]

It's okay, Camila.

I told you
that we are professional co-workers.

[phone rings]

Ah, it's Elena.

Hi.

Hey, Mami.

So, just a quick heads-up:
I didn't get on the bus to Tallahassee.

So, I'm going to need a ride home
from school today.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Espérate, Elena. What are you saying?

- I'm not going to Tallahassee.
- What?

You made me go 40 in a school zone
so that you wouldn't miss the bus.

Staying home is better.

I can audit some eighth-grade classes,
maybe skip a few grades.

Who needs middle school?
Who needs friends? This is for the best.

Elena,
you can't just not get on the school bus.

[knocks]

Yes. No, this sounds like an emergency.

Uh, you're right.

Yes, I clearly have no choice

but to give up
the rest of my whole workday

to drive the entire seven hours
to Tallahassee.

Wait. No. That's not at all what I want.

I want to audit pre-algebra.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. No, I'm leaving.
I'm leaving right now.

Camila, can you do me a favor
and pick up Bobby from school today?

Is everything okay?

Oh, Sam, I'm so sorry. I can't talk.

I have to go. It's Elena.

Do you wanna maybe talk about
why you didn't get on the bus?

I just don't wanna go.

I don't care about Florida's
many a legislative process.

Now, we both know that's not true.

Did Sasha not apologize
the way you thought she would?

Okay.

Well, if you don't wanna talk,
I have our favorite CDs.

Sugah Boyz, Christmas album.
Marie Curie, audiobook.

[gasps]

Oh, look. Look, look, Elena.

The old road trip CD your dad made.

[clicks tongue] Oh.

- ["Escape [The Piña Colada Song]" playing]
- Ah.

This one, Elena.
Remember how you used to blast this song?

[chuckles] Your Dad,
he never got the lyrics right.

He would sing the chorus
at the top of his lungs

and then mumble
his way through the rest of the song.

Although, he swore he knew all the words.
Remember?

[singing along]

[sings along]

[CD skips]

Oh, no. No. No. No.

Diary, it seemed like that CD was just
like my friendship with Sasha, broken.

Yeah, Ma.

I'm at Camila and Danielle's.

No, no, I didn't get into a fight today.

[sighs] Okay, okay, one sec.

She wants you to verify I'm actually here.

[clicks tongue, sighs]
He's here. No te preocupes.

I'll keep him busy till you're back
from Tallahassee. Bye, Gab.

She's so overprotective.

You got into a fight? With who?

- My friend, Liam.
- Liam? I know him.

We drove back from Jupiter together.

You guys made me stop
at three different places for fries.

Yeah, I mean,
you gotta have curly, crinkle-cut...

Waffle. The french-fry trifecta.

Danielle gets it.

Why did you and Liam get into a fight?

You guys seem to have a good thing going.

What happened? Do you wanna talk about it?

Eh, it's not a big deal.

Hey, Bobby, video games are in the closet.

Wanna go grab 'em so I can kick your butt
at Escape From TriTron?

Oh, cool. I'll get the shovel too.
Just so, when I bury you...

[chuckles] Oh. Okay. All right, go, go.

Liam is the friend
I was telling you about.

- Hmm.
- I caught them in, like, a moment,

in the storage room.

- One could call it a closet.
- Oh, wow.

Exactly. I think he might like this boy.

And the fighting
was just misdirected passion.

- Maybe.
- [sighs]

I'm sure he has so many questions
about his identity and sexuality.

We need to provide him with a safe space.

[gasps]

We'll be his fairy gaymothers.

A safe space? Well, great.

So, I don't have to keep building
this second bed

since we're not gonna be lying
to your parents anymore.

Oh, no, safe for him, not for us.
My parents won't even watch Ellen.

Yep. [chuckles]

[sighs]

Okay, I've been indulging your silence
way too long.

Let's just talk about Sasha.

Friendships at your age can be so tough.

Sasha betrayed me for Jessica.

So much for BFFAESNSOTBFBU.

Now it's FBFFAESNSOTBFBU.

- Former Best Friend Forever And Ever...
- I get it.

You know,
relationships are a two-way street.

Do you think that maybe
you are waiting for her to make an apology

that you should be making?

I know that sounds scary.

But if it's scary,
it probably means that you have to do it.

Look! Alligator meat.

Mami, let's try some.

No, Elena, we're making good time,
and you're going to Tallahassee.

And alligator meat freaks me out.

So, would you say
eating alligator meat is scary?

I mean, how do they even know it's safe?

What's the metric?

And did you not just say, and please,
forgive me if I'm misquoting,

"that if a thing is scary,
it probably means you should do it"?

[chuckles] Elena, that is not...

[phone rings]

You know what, yep,
we'll make a quick stop.

Sometimes I think you're too smart
for my own good.

[sh**ting and explosions on video game]

Oh, yeah.

Now who's Master TriTron
of the Robotic sea?

You are. You're the king
of squid missiles and kelp grenades.

Hey. Instead of playing video games...

we could watch some TV.

I'm behind on RuPaul's Drag Race. Huh?

What do you think, Bobby?

Ooh, what kind of cars do they race?

They don't, actually.

Okay. Speaking of sports,

I hear there's a great new doc
on Billie Jean King.

That could be fun. You play tennis.

Yeah, yeah, I saw that.

I like Bobby Riggs,
'cause we're both named Bobby.

Yeah.

Well, his legacy
is actually pretty questionable.

But since we're talking
about questioning...

Okay, that's enough. [chuckles]

Hey, Bobby, what'd you do
at school today, huh?

Oh, uh...

I got an 82 on a math quiz.

Uh, told my girlfriend I loved her.

Beat Danny at a milk-chugging contest.

Wait, what?

You told your girlfriend
that you loved her?

I mean, wow. That's a big deal.

Yeah, it was chill.

Chill. Dope.

Yeah. Tight.

I'm gonna grab some OJ.

Problematic.

[Gabi chuckles]

Wow, that guy with three fingers was
really passionate about alligator meat.

I lost track of the amount of times
he called this meat "proteinaceous."

[chuckles] Okay. Are we ready
for the moment of truth?

Okay.

- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.

Hmm.

Oh.

It's not bad.

Tastes like chicken.

But, like a mean chicken.

- [Elena] Nope.
- Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Oh.

- [Elena] Oh, no. [chuckles]
- [Gabi chuckles]

I have to admit, I'm glad we stopped.

We were long overdue
a mother-daughter bonding moment.

This was actually kinda fun.

- [both chuckle]
- [phone rings]

Oh. I should tell Sam
about what we just tried. He'd be so...

proud.

Why did you do that?

We're having our precious
proteinaceous moment.

Are you avoiding Sam?

Elena, come on.

Are you guys in a fight?

Is that why we haven't had Sambled eggs
in a week?

Por Dios, Mija...

Mami... did you and Sam break up?

[sh**ting on video game]

Hey, can I have your old bed?
I've been wanting a queen.

And that's completely okay.

We're actually not
getting rid of any beds.

So, then why're you putting together
a second one?

Um...

We thought that, you know, uh,
having a bed in the living room

would help guests feel warm and welcome,
like they can stay as long as they want.

Why didn't you just get a futon?

Uh, good question.

We are morally against futons.

We hate when furniture
poses as other furniture.

Okay, that's enough.

We're putting together a second bed

because Camila's parents
still don't know we're together.

And we pretend to be roommates
when they come to town.

Oh. That sucks.

Don't worry. This is still a safe space.

GLAAD would be so glad.

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

We've been sitting next to each other

since before the billboards
started telling us we were going to hell.

Elena, please.
This trip was getting so fun.

And it's been a nice break
from all the Sam stuff at work.

Wait a second. Let me get this straight.

You've been driving me
to my so-called "scary" thing

so that you can drive away from yours?

Another betrayal.

You know what? You win.

Take me to Tallahassee.
Take me wherever you want.

I don't care anymore.

You build this bed
every time your parents come?

Sounds like a lot of work.

It's fine.

Just gives me mild carpal tunnel
and a small mental breakdown.

Bummer.

But Camila is not ready
to tell her parents yet,

and that's her process.

Building this bed over and over again
is part of that process.

And there's no one else I would rather
build this big, dumb bed with.

I mean "for."

I do all the work.

That's really chill, guys.

[Elena] I couldn't believe my mom
didn't tell me about Sam.

Guess alligator meat
came with a side of betrayal.

- [woman on radio] Made from all natural...
- [man on radio] With some sunny spells...

[woman on radio 2] No messy installation...

- ["Escape [The Piña Colada Song]" playing]
- Oh.

How crazy is that? It's on the radio.

[chuckles]

[singing along]

[continues singing along]

[singing along]

[continues singing along]

[both singing along]

[both chuckling]

We really tried to teach Dad the lyrics,
but he just never wanted to learn.

I think he liked making up his own words.

[chuckles]

[Gabi chuckles]

[Elena sighs]

Yeah. I miss him too.

You know, Elena,
you have every right to be upset with me.

And feeling a little betrayed.

I got so wrapped up with
what was happening with Sam, that I...

[sighs] I lost track of your feelings,
and I did not want to do that, and I did.

And I am so sorry.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

[Elena] Mami's apology made me feel like
she really understood why I was upset.

It sorta got me thinking that
I might owe someone else that same thing.

[Bobby] Hmm.

Mango Madness.

It's your favorite.

Yeah.

So, this weekend,
Stacy Jones is having a kickback.

Maybe we could go together?

Yeah, totally. That sounds... great.

Cool.

Maybe we could check out
her washer-dryer closet.

Actually, Monyca...

I'm sorry.

I think we should break up.

I'm sorry, what?

[scoffs] I'm trying to keep up.
Didn't you say you loved me this morning?

I know. I did, and that was stupid.

Not that the idea of loving you is stupid.

You're super lovable.

It's just...

It's okay.

I was kinda caught off guard anyway.

I know you're going through a lot
with Liam and stuff, I guess.

Yeah.

Sorry.

It's a whole... process.

[scoffs] I feel bad.

Do you want my smoothie?

[chuckles] It's okay, Bobby. Keep it.

Thanks.

Mm.

I really do love Mango Madness.

Do you really love it?

[both chuckle]

[woman on radio 3] It was then
Marie Curie discovered

that pitchblende and torbernite...

What? That was the best part.

She was about to
completely take down uranium.

[chuckles] Okay, Elena.
Dr. Cooper is waiting for you.

That road trip was so much fun.

What if we do it again?

Like, right now. Back home.

Ugh. I know.

Gotta go do the scary thing
and talk to Sasha.

Also, if you want,
you could do your scary thing too.

- [Elena] Love you.
- [sighs]

She's so annoying when she's right.

Hello, Sam.

[knocks]

Hi, Sasha.

Can I come in?

Are you alone?

Sure. Jessica's checking out
the vending machines.

Are you reading advice column submissions?

Anything good?

"Lost at Lunch."

"Bashful in Band."

Whatever.

Are you taking new submissions?

Um...

Because I have one.

It's from this girl,
Torn Up in Tallahassee.

She missed
her best friend's poetry reading.

It was a huge deal.

But she just got too caught up
in her own stuff.

Then, instead of apologizing,
she just kept on being selfish.

Now all she wants to do
is say how sorry she is, but...

But what?

She's worried it's too late

and she lost her BFFAESNSOTBFBU forever.

Sasha, I'm so sorry.

You've always been there for me,
and I need to be there for you too.

I promise to do better.

Anyway... that's the submission.

What would Dear Sasha say?

I guess she might say...

"Dear Torn Up in Tallahassee..."

[laughs]

I missed my BFFAESNSOTBFBU too.

- You did?
- I did.

Thank you for apologizing.
That means a lot.

You mean a lot.

Oh, and I'm sorry we're not roommates
like we planned.

- I, I just...
- I get it.

Jessica was there for you. Mm, I wasn't.

But I'm here now.

[scoffs] Thank God.

We've only been looking forward
to Tallahassee for years.

- Right? Have you seen the itinerary?
- [gasps] It's Talla-mazing.

[both laugh]

I do have one addendum, though.

I'd love to hear your poem
if you wanna share it.

Yeah.

[clears throat]

I love the mall, and this is why

Without the mall, I'd surely die

A slow and painful death for sure

Without the mall, my life's a blur

[Sasha] I feel so alive on the escalator

As I go up, I say,
"First floor, see you later"

People, places, stores galore

When it's time to leave,
I have to be dragged out the door

The Miami Glades Galleria is amazing,
it's the heart of this town

I almost cried when there was talk
of tearing it down

Thankfully, it's still standing
and my love for it, too

This poem is for the mall

and to the mall I say, "I love you"