01x05 - #TheMotherPucker

[bunniefuu]

What up, y'all? It's your girl Sasha here,

with my girl, Zia.

And we're the first to get our hands

on Bay Cosmetics' unreleased

new exfoliating lip gloss.

- Mmm-hmm. We're on some next-level

- Shh!

Our dads are watching!

Oh.

- Okay.

- Okay, so

- [Sasha] Mmm-hmm.

- [Zia] Mmm-mmm.

- Blot.

- Mmm

- Good? Yeah?

- Okay, yes.

Now, tell me your first impressions, Zia.

Well, when I first met you,

I thought you were a little stuck-up.

- Always on

- Can we stick to the lip gloss?

Oh, right. Gotcha. Okay. [clears throat]

- Well, this is a great color. You know?

- Oh, love it.

I mean, it goes with everything.

Not sticky at all.

Has a little bit of a tingle,

but that's okay.

People like a little tingle.

[chuckling] I know I do.

- Okay, it's a little more than a tingle.

- More than a tingle?

It kinda feels like a Flamin' Hot Cheeto!

I like Hot Cheetos.

Okay, something's not right!

My lips are on fire!

Hell, yes, girl!

I told you you were

gonna look smoke and fire.

And your lips could be fire, too.

All you need to do

is go to the Bay Cosmetics website

to pre-order yours today.

And make sure to use

the promo code "bad biotch."

No, biotch! Something's not right!

My lips, they're melting off my face!

- They're melting off

- Yes!

- Help! Help!

- I don't What do you mean

Don't worry, baby! Daddy's here!

So, you know,

like, comment, subscribe.

We can laugh, we can hang

But don't embarrass me ♪

Please don't say the wrong thing, Dad

Don't embarrass me again ♪

We can dance, we can joke

But don't embarrass me ♪

Don't embarrass me

Please, Dad, don't embarrass me ♪

I know that you mean well

But don't be so foul ♪

When I'm hanging with my friends

Please don't be acting wild ♪

Stace. Stace, stop pacing. Stop pacing.

I knew I shouldn't have

got you that Fitbit for Christmas.

The stress is helping me get my steps in.

I'm at 15,000.

Okay, yeah Well, okay. Great. Listen.

Are you on the phone

with the German manufacturers?

Yeah, what's taking so long?

We cannot put out this new lip gloss

until this gets fixed.

Oh, "we"? We're not "we."

You quit Coke,

came to work here for a day,

then joined Pepsi.

You ain't loyal

and you got high sodium levels.

I am very loyal.

Okay, I know this is Mom's company,

but Mama didn't raise no fool.

Pepsi doubled my salary.

Well, let's just see

if Pepsi invites you to Thanksgiving.

Damn, you still on hold?

Yeah. It's not so bad.

They're playing

"I Can't Feel My Face" in German.

Sounds a lot angrier, though.

Sash, how's Zia doing?

She's okay. Her lips are healing.

Here, I took a picture.

The swelling's gone way down.

- Oh!

- [Stacy exclaiming]

- Damn. Lord, have mercy.

- [Stacy] Oh, my God!

Oh, she look like a bigmouth bass.

Shut up, Brian.

But I guess it's safe to say

she's hooked on Bay.

[laughing] Too soon, too soon.

Yeah, too soon.

I mean, our video

already has 200,000 views.

Oh, my God.

Zia's lips ain't

the only thing blowing up.

Look, I got a feeling

all of this is gonna blow over.

No, this could affect our sales

across the board.

#Baysucks is trending number one

on all platforms.

We're even on the home page of LinkedIn.

This is a hell of a first week

to be the head of marketing.

Look, we just gotta stay calm,

cool and collected,

like Denzel in all his movies.

All right. Okay. All right. Okay.

All right. All right, okay.

Uh, yes, hello.

Okay, Denzel, say, "All right, okay."

It's the factory in Düsseldorf.

I'm about to go Christoph Waltz

on they a*s.

Guten Tag.

- [Brian continues indistinctly]

- I can't believe this.

You know, I'm so overwhelmed

because all we were trying to do

was just promote Bay on our IG Live.

Oh, sweetheart, it is not your fault.

Or Zia's. Blame Johnny's genetics.

Seriously? [scoffs]

Leave me alone.

Blocked.

What? Who are you blocking?

What's going on?

Since that video dropped,

I've been dealing with a bully.

They keep telling me

to set myself on fire.

What? Who's bullying my niece?

I will cut that little b*tch!

Which refers to him, her or they.

[chuckles nervously]

Oh, my gosh.

Bullies are the worst. I'm so sorry.

I remember my bully from high school.

What a horrible individual.

Hey, Robert.

Hey, Chelsea.

Uh, I did your homework, like you asked.

Good. You know what's better

than doing my homework?

That Jordan. What size you wear?

- Six.

- Perfect!

Bring me the other one tomorrow,

or I'll break your other foot.

Bullies ain't sh*t.

I'm just not sure how to handle it.

What do you think, Stacy?

Well, I would just have

an honest conversation with this person

about how it's making you feel.

Or do like I did

and just eat your lunch in the bathroom.

[scoffs] What happened to your bully?

[sighs]

Hey, Chelsea.

My mama said I should talk to you.

I really need my Jordans back.

I don't know about your Jordans.

I'm wearing my Jordans.

And tell your punk-a*s mama

to make those tuna sandwiches

I like tomorrow.

No crusts,

and there better be Fritos, fool.

[Chelsea laughing]

God, I miss high school.

Do we have any Fritos?

- Thank you, guys, for the advice.

- Yeah.

But can you please

not say anything to my dad?

You know how he can

overreact to everything.

[Brian] And another thing.

I'm never watching

Inglourious Basterds again.

Brian! That was my phone!

See? They messed up

the ingredients in the lip gloss,

and then they messed your phone up.

Yeah, okay.

Get with me, just like this. Here we go.

Get ready. Over here, over there,

in the air, crack it.

- [exclaims]

- [Sash sighs]

Why are we doing this?

Because we are the Dixons.

We're the Dixon family.

That's all we do, is fight.

We're known for that.

Not only that, we live in Atlanta,

and it's home of the Waffle House brawls.

Somebody drop their sausage on your foot,

you got to get at it.

Okay, well, maybe you forgot,

but I spent a lot of time

with my grandparents

in Chiraq, Killinois.

Your grandparents would sleep

at 6:30 in the afternoon.

Not only that, the only g*n you saw

was a Super Soaker.

All right, now come on.

What'll you do

when somebody runs up on you? Huh?

Call Zia.

Call Zia for what?

So she can dumb everything down?

Come on, hit me right in the hands.

That ain't my hand!

That ain't my hands!

Ah! That's a good one, though.

I gotta put some ice on my umbilical cord.

[breathing heavily]

I tell you what, girl,

that bully ain't got nothing on you.

How did you know I had a bully?

Your daddy knows everything, baby.

Plus, I got eyes in the back of my

Stacy told you, didn't she?

Yeah, that's right.

That's right, she did. You know what?

It doesn't matter, though,

because everybody got bullies, okay?

When I was growing up,

I didn't have no bullies

That ain't the way I remember it.

Tell her about Keith Henderson.

Wait, what! Where? Keith!

That boy, Keith Henderson,

was a bad mother

Shut your mouth! He was a grown-a*s man.

Keith Henderson tried

to whoop everybody's a*s.

He almost whooped my a*s,

and he was in eighth grade.

- But you know, I got that clack-clack!

- Uh-huh.

No, I don't think you understand.

He was a grown-a*s man.

He was the only kid

in the whole of middle school

going through a divorce.

He got even meaner when he lost custody.

[chuckles]

Wait, wait. Who is Keith Henderson?

Make it stop! Make it stop!

[whimpering]

You know how many honeys

will be at the game?

That's what I'm saying.

You get to your spot,

we definitely going to the championship.

- Then we celebrating.

- What!

Yo, Dixon. Nice chain. Let me wear that.

No, man. Stall me out.

Yeah, leave him alone.

Are you putting your nose in this?

Give me your chain, too.

I'll give it to you.

But can I keep the locket?

It has a picture of my grandparents.

My grandparents now. Get out of here.

Now, back to you, Dixon.

Give me that chain before I take it off.

- It's my dad's chain.

- "My dad's chain."

b*tch, I'm your daddy!

Now, say it with me. Who's your daddy?

Willie Dixon!

Man, my name ain't no Willie Dixon!

You get one last chance

to say it right. Who's your daddy?

Keith Henderson.

Damn right.

Beat it.

But that's my chain.

That's my chain.

That's my chain!

That was my chain! It was my chain!

Actually, it was my chain.

And it was my belt, too,

that I gave you that second a*s-whooping

when you got back home.

Dang, Dad. Come on.

That That really sucks.

I didn't know that you dealt with a bully.

It was all good, Sash.

You know, I had to deal with it,

you know, for about six, seven years.

You know, but Keith got his, you know,

'cause he eventually grew up

and he went to prison.

That's right. He went to jail

and braided a lot of hair.

Mmm-hmm, they called him Greasy Knuckle.

[Brian sighs]

Yeah, well, I appreciate

you trying to look out for me,

but there's really nothing you can do.

There is.

We're the Dixons and we stick together.

Just tell me,

'cause we coming to your school.

He doesn't go to my school.

- Okay, tell me which school he goes to.

- I don't know. It's online.

Online High School?

Let's get to Online High School.

- Just pull it up.

- No, no, no! It's online!

- What do you mean, "online"?

- I mean, it's online. It's

You mean it's actually not a real bully?

You young'uns!

We had real bullies

who'd come in our classroom

and do like this, look at you.

And you'd be like,

"Okay, I gotta figure out a way

after school how to get home."

- You don't have a real bully?

- No. You ever heard of cyberbullying?

He's online.

How about this? Click. He's offline.

What? I'm not gonna

log off my Instagram 'cause of one troll.

I don't care how short or tall he is.

Give me his Instagram handle.

It's SashaDixonSux.

Boy, boy, boy.

[chuckling] Watch this. Watch me work.

"SashaDixonSux, this is Sasha's father,

and when I see you,

I'm gonna kick your a*s!"

Mmm-hmm, take a look at that. [laughing]

[chuckling] I think

you spelled that wrong.

[scoffs] Kiss "Kiss your a*s"?

Damn autocorrect.

- [message tone rings]

- Oh, he hit back.

Uh, "Sasha Dixon's father,

when you kiss my a*s,

I hope you're not wearing that lip gloss,

'cause I'll get boils on my butt."

Ooh, I told you. They're good.

"Ooh." Whose side are you on?

Let me show you how to get this.

[mumbling indistinctly]

[laughing]

That says "duck you."

What?

Autocorrect, suck my duck!

- Ooh.

- Ta-da!

- This ain't Pappadeaux's.

- No, this is better than Pappadeaux's.

It's more like "Pops at the door."

Johnny, why are we at my house?

You said to stop asking you out on dates,

so I decided to ask you in on a date.

[Willie] Bonjour, monsieur.

Now look, we don't have no menu,

but I memorized the specials.

We got leftover sushi

and three-day-old barbecue.

The chef recommends the barbecue

'cause the sushi don't travel well.

Here you go.

What's this?

That's the check.

The bill is due before you chew.

I said I'd pay you

to have this catered with fine dining,

not your leftovers.

Our leftovers come

from a very fine establishment.

[in French accent] Le Crack-el Barr-el.

Does the barbecue

come with baked beans?

[speaking normally] It did.

I'll bring your things

when the microwave dings.

Isn't this nice?

It's our first official date.

This is not a date.

Hey, if it's not a date, why is there

someone here selling flowers?

That's just Manny.

No, that's not Manny!

He's Manuel, the flower salesman.

- Buenas noches. Good evening.

- [Chelsea scoffs]

- Some flowers for the madam?

- Gracias, señor.

- We'll take all the flowers you have.

- Sí, cómo no.

"RIP Gladys"? Who the hell is that?

[voice breaking]

That's my third-grade teacher.

And we thank her

for bringing us together in death.

That will be $75.

Seventy-five dollars?

You just stole them off her gravesite!

No, hand-picked them off her gravesite.

Thank you.

Uh, might I interest you in a casket?

Why would we want a casket?

Oh, I don't know.

It seems like this relationship is dying.

- This isn't a relationship.

- Yet!

[microwave dings]

We didn't order sushi.

Barbecue's gone.

- We'd like some wine.

- So would I.

Let me know if y'all gonna

make a liquor store run.

Ooh! [laughing]

Marcus is so crazy.

[mock chuckling]

Who is Marcus? And why is he so crazy?

He's my little trainer friend.

But he gonna take me

to the real Pappadeaux's tomorrow night.

That doesn't sound

like a very responsible trainer.

Don't worry. He gonna work me out.

[chuckles]

Hey, I got half a Kit Kat bar

if y'all want dessert.

Speak now or forever lose this piece.

All right.

That's my chain!

Give me my chain! Keith, that's my chain!

Give me! My neck is My neck is naked.

My neck is naked. Keith! Keith!

Give it! Give it back!

- Dad! Dad, are you okay?

- Hey! Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

What, did you sleep down here?

Yeah, I did. I was up all night, hmm?

- Working on your troll. [chuckles]

- My troll?

You know, I ate a whole damn box

of Troll House Cookies.

Anyway, the great philosopher

Sun Tzu says,

[in accent] "In order to fight the troll,

you must become the troll."

Why are you talking like Nelson Mandela?

[in accent] I don't know.

Anyways, my troll is gone.

He probably found someone else to pick on.

Or he found the unemployment line,

'cause I got him fired

from Papa John's.

Sorry, Shaq.

- Thanks for looking out for me, Dad.

- Hey, that's what dads do.

But just so you know,

the troll might be coming after you next.

Ha-ha! Look at that. See this?

I'm a thumb thug now.

Yay-yay!

What's up, guys?

I'll leave you guys to yourselves.

Is your sister here? [chuckles nervously]

Our date last night ended a little weird.

But she didn't mean what she said.

Whatever she said, she meant.

Yeah, she said that, too.

But she didn't mean it.

Oh. I'm so sorry about Zia

and everything like that.

But think about this.

You don't have to worry about her

kissing any boys for a long time, hmm?

We just gotta work the kinks out,

though, in that formula.

Oh, it's probably nothing.

Zia's allergic to everything.

Yeah, we don't even use detergent anymore.

[gasps] So what are you saying?

[hesitating] You saying that the lip gloss

actually didn't blow her lips up?

Probably not. I think you're good.

I gotta go apologize to Gunther.

Yeah, over in Germany.

What time is it in Düsseldorf?

I

[Chelsea] Damn! Oh, that's deep.

Go deeper, go deeper!

[Marcus] Yeah. Feels good, doesn't it?

Yeah, we'll open up your hip flexors

even more later, all right?

Yeah.

Babe! What the hell's going on?

Hey, hey! Get away from my girlfriend!

I am not your girlfriend!

This is my trainer, Marcus.

- What up, bro?

- [sighs]

And it's just a workout.

Well, this workout ain't working out.

Give me a second.

You know what, Johnny? You're right.

This ain't working out. We're over.

Uh

You look a little tense, bro.

Let me rub on those shoulders.

- [Brian] I'm good, Pop, hold it straight!

- I am!

Trying to put this fire out.

No pun intended.

I don't want #Baysucks trending,

and I don't want

no shaky-a*s Worldstar video, either.

Ain't nothing wrong with Worldstar.

I directed some of their greatest videos.

You ever seen

"The Fish That Saved Palmdale"?

- And we're live!

- [stumbling] Uh

Pops, I thought you was gonna

give me an "action."

Oh, stop complaining, boy,

and put on your lipstick.

Action!

Hey. What's up? It's, uh, Brian Dixon.

I'm the head honcho here at Bay Cosmetics.

There was a viral video going around

with a girl whose lips exploded

because of our lip stock Gloss.

But I want to tell you this.

It wasn't our fault.

It was her father's genetics.

That's why you can't have white friends.

So I am here to put my lips

and my lip gloss on the line

live on IG. [chuckling]

All right, here we go. Uh [exclaims]

Kind of spicy. [chuckles]

[clicks tongue] Oh Uh

Yeah Uh

Put your lipstick on, boy!

What, you scared?

[whispering] I ain't scared!

I ain't scared of nothing!

I always Harlem Shake

when I'm putting on lipstick.

[speaking normally] Uh, so, uh

Okay, here we go.

[shivers]

Okay, yeah.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Apply evenly. Look.

Evenly. Apply evenly. [chuckles]

I never thought I'd say this to my son,

but your lip gloss is popping!

We good. And, uh

Yeah, I feel great. Uh

Feels like a

Yeah.

Feels like a flock of butterflies

on my lips.

Who cooking bacon?

Actually, it feels

like a flock of butterflies

with razor-blade wings on my lips.

[mumbling]

It's getting kind of hot in here.

Pops, I'm gonna need some water.

I can't understand what you're saying.

- Are they bleeding?

- Use your lips. I can't hear you.

- Are they bleeding?

- I can't see through all the smoke.

Pops! I need some water!

[exclaiming]

I gotta get out of here!

[yells]

[door breaks]

I guess that's a cut.

Damn. I knew I should have

signed that boy up for track.

[groaning]

Hey, Pops. Honest opinion.

- What do you think I look like?

- Oh, sh*t!

[Brian] Hey.

[Willie] Oh, my God!

Your Your lips

look like a flotation device!

[laughing]

- That bad? Okay.

- [Sasha] Oh, my

Y'all ain't gonna believe this!

Bay just hit a million followers

on Instagram.

You're literally a meme!

They call you The Motherpucker.

"Motherpucker"? What does that mean?

It means that your video is more popular

than the crying Michael Jordan meme.

[gasps] Oh, my Jesus!

Your mouth

looks like two airbags deployed.

Okay. Everybody's funny.

Everybody's funny, huh?

Now my son's famous for wearing lipstick,

I should be crying like Michael Jordan.

- [screams] No! No, no, no!

- Oh. Oh. Oh.

Your lips look like

two hot dogs exploded in the microwave.

- Okay. Everybody's funny.

- [Stacy] Oh.

Look, I'm gonna be fine.

All I need is some Benadryl

and some Hennessy and this will go down.

What's up?

The manufacturer confirmed

that they put too much niacin

in the lip gloss

You think?

[chuckling] which is what's

causing the adverse reaction.

And, um But the good news is

you broke the Internet.

How is that good news?

What we gonna use now,

fax machines and typewriters?

No. Brian, listen. I'm serious.

We have never had this many pre-orders

in the history of Bay.

We can't put it out on the street,

I'm telling you right now.

They'll run through us like Metamucil.

No. Brian, listen.

We're gonna make it street-legal first,

and then we'll fill the orders.

You're about to get paid!

The first thing you should do

is get them lips fixed.

- Yeah.

- Like, a little lip-o-suction.

Everybody's funny.

I ain't gotta stand for all this.

I'm going in to work.

- [Willie] Hey, I'm going with you.

- [Stacy] Hey!

We can stop off at the DQ on the way.

Oh, damn.

[sighs]

Uh, Stacy, make sure you lock the door.