01x04 - #NipplesOrNuts

[bunniefuu]

Oh, snap! I didn't know I was gonna

find my favorite sister here.

I'm your only sister.

Look, Chelsea. I got something

that's gonna change your life.

- You're hooking me up with Donald Glover.

- You know what? I am not.

But I know Danny Glover.

Look. This is what I was thinking about.

The lip gloss idea.

Why don't we do that as a limited

summer release? Hmm? Run with it.

You are finally taking my advice.

- Damn right, I am.

- You should've in high school.

I said your Jheri curl

made you look like a Black Kenny G.

First off, my Jheri curl was popping.

The reason I know that,

'cause Ice Cube saw me

at the mall one time and yelled out,

"Yay, yay. West-sia-fo-lia-nia."

Shut up.

Anyway, I was thinking,

your great marketing skills,

here's how we're gonna change the world.

How about you come work

with me at Bay? Toast.

It is hard enough

living under the same roof with you.

- You want us working together, too?

- I prefer you moved the hell out, but

Bay is struggling, and think about it.

It's a family biz

that our mom passed down to us,

and it's a Black-owned business.

Right now, white people feeling guilty.

It's time we run with that.

Ooh, yeah.

We can capitalize on the Caucasians.

- Capitalize on the Caucasians.

- [sing-song] Capitalize

Mmm-hmm. So, what d'you think?

[sighs] Let me think about it.

That's not the worst idea you've ever had.

The worst idea I ever had was when I had

my Jheri curl close to that grill.

Ooh!

[both] Yay-yay!

There she is. My favorite girl.

- Oh! Uh-uh.

- Oh!

Let's make this clear.

We're not dating,

and this is not a relationship.

But if you wanna buy me jewelry,

I ain't mad at that.

It's all good, Chelsea. Keep it casual.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

I got a lot of entanglements, girl.

No, I was just kidding. Call me. Uh

I'll be here.

That's a special talent, J.

Making Chelsea disappear. Want a beer?

Manny, you said you was cleaning

the pool. This ain't the pool.

Oh, no. Today I was supposed to water

the plants, but it rained last night.

So it's like Mother Nature

gave me a day off.

Uh

Will y'all k*ll all that noise?

I'm playing Tijuana Fats here

for 20 bucks.

Thought you said it was ten.

Well, that's before

I made my first four shots.

And game! Mmm. [chuckles]

You owe me one blue hunnid.

Hmm.

[phone chimes]

Another Amber Alert? I thought

I blocked those stupid things. Oh.

It's from Visa. [clicks tongue]

Zia just spent $12 on a smoothie

at Whole Foods.

"Report as fraud." And now it's free.

Wait a minute. Whole Foods?

Sasha said she was going to the movies.

That's on the other side of town.

Nah, Zia's at Whole Foods.

Man. I'd love for her

to grab me some banana chips,

but she'd know I was tracking her.

Wait. You track your daughter

on your phone?

You respect Sasha's privacy

and don't track her behind her back?

You're a terrible father.

Give me your phone.

You can track your kids on your phone?

I'm glad they didn't have that

when you were little.

I liked when my kids got lost.

Gave me a little me time.

- Sasha's at Dave & Buster's.

- What?

- This is crazy. That don't make no sense.

- It does if she's lying to you.

No, look, maybe your

triflin' a*s daughter might lie,

but not my baby girl.

No, but your teenage daughter would.

No, hold on. I'm not worried

about Sasha, okay?

- All I'mma do is just text

- [phone chimes]

You know what? Don't even have to text.

She just texted me.

"Having a great time with Zia

at the movies. Call you later."

Looks like Sasha's lying to your a*s.

Nobody goes to Dave & Buster's

by themselves.

Their whole menu is shareables.

Well, if she's not with Zia,

who could she be with?

She better be with Jesus.

Let's get to Dave & Buster's.

- Pops, you drivin'?

- Hell yeah.

You know I ain't got my license, though.

We can laugh, we can hang

But don't embarrass me ♪

Please don't say the wrong thing

Dad, don't embarrass me again ♪

We can dance, we can joke

But don't embarrass me ♪

Don't embarrass me

Please, Dad, don't embarrass me ♪

I know that you mean well

But don't be so foul ♪

When I'm hangin' with my friends

Please don't be actin' wild ♪

I said please don't embarrass me

Dad, stop, don't embarrass me ♪

[g*nshots on arcade game]

You're supposed to sh**t the bad guys,

not the cops.

You play your game, I'll play mine.

Thunder, you copy?

This is White Lightning.

You got a 20 on Sasha?

Negative.

[grunts]

Manny, holla at me.

Negative.

All I see is some selfish b*stard

hogging the Skee-Ball.

That's right. I'm talking to you, big man.

[dance music playing]

Ah! She's right there. There's Sasha.

I guess I'm not the only one

who goes to Dave & Buster's by themselves.

What I don't understand is why would

she lie and say she's at the movies?

[Sasha] What's up?

- Oh, hell no!

- I don't think that's Jesus.

That boy may not be Jesus,

but he's about to meet him.

Hallelujah ♪

[vocalizing]

Why does it suddenly feel

cold and old in here?

[grunts angrily] I'm going over there.

- No!

- You can't go over there.

She'll know you're tracking her.

She'll tell Zia.

Then Zia will figure out

that I'm tracking her.

And then she'll be too mad

to teach me the Renegade.

[grunts]

That's all I got.

Plus, Mr. Brian,

you already told Sasha

she couldn't hang out with him.

And that only made her want him more.

You remember your barbecue

bacon pork rinds?

I didn't even know I wanted 'em

till you said I couldn't have 'em.

Then I ended up finishing the whole bag,

butt-a*s naked in your bathtub.

I'll be right back.

I'm gonna go get us some Slurpees.

[imperceptible]

Oh, you got pros

in different area codes, huh?

- Not on my watch. Portrait.

- [camera shutter clicking]

We gotta figure out how to stop this,

but without her knowing.

What you wanna do, Brian?

I got Carole Baskin's number.

We will never see this fool again.

No, Pops.

You know what we need?

We need a duct tape and a chicken wire.

What? No.

We'll just go to the kid's house

and scare him away.

Pops, you know what to do.

I have a very particular set of skills.

Skills I have developed

over a very long career.

Skills that make me a nightmare

for people like Brodie.

Okay. Kiss-Your-Bottoms

lives right down there.

Right there. 321 Evergreen.

Now if we gonna snatch this kid

out in the street, I'll do a leg.

Every time I do arms, I get bit.

We ain't gotta do that.

We'll scare him

and make him pee just a little.

I ain't gonna carry his leg, then.

[door opens]

- [Johnny] Brodie Owusu Jr.?

- What can I do for you, Oficer?

Oh. Hi, Mr. Dixon and hello, sir.

[laughs] Brodie. Brodie, Brodie.

We need to holla at you.

- Uh, sure. What

- Cut the Nickelodeon bullshit.

We seen you.

We seen you all over that girl

at Dave & Buster's,

and I got pictures to prove it.

Right here. Look.

Oh, not that one. Hold on.

Right Mmm. Ooh!

- Did you see that? [chuckles]

- Yeah.

Anyway. Right there. Look at it.

- What you got to say about that?

- I mean, I like the other one better.

Listen.

Why don't you drop the charades, huh?

Why don't you cut the shenanigans

and just be who you really are?

sh**t straight. Come on, dawg.

All right. What's on your mind, B?

B? My name ain't B, bro.

I'm Brian Dixon.

You put some respect on my name.

Aw, my bad. I mean, you said

you wanted to sh**t straight.

[chuckles] You know, player to player.

Pimp to pimp.

[exclaims] What did this fool just say?

Something about players and p*mps.

I'm not sure which one he is.

I heard him.

So that was all a charade, huh?

Where's that guy that was in line

at the Yeezy convention?

Look, that was just

a part of my game for the honeys.

Let me tell you something.

My daughter ain't no side piece.

She ain't nobody's honey.

And you stay away from her, B.

Come on, big dawg.

That's my shorty right there.

I'll snatch a knot in yo' a*s. [grunting]

What big dawg is trying to say is

you better watch out,

'cause I could arrest you right now

for impersonating

Gerald Johanssen from Hey Arnold!

You ever been hooked up

to a car battery before?

Uh, who are you anyway? Morgan Freeman?

No. But if you keep getting smart,

you're about to get shawshanked.

Oh, never mind.

I'mma go get these jumper cables.

It's your choice, Brodie! n*pples or nuts?

And if you don't pick n*pples,

you're nuts.

First of all, Brodie,

which is a whack-a*s name by the way,

my daughter is a good girl

so I need you to stay away from her.

You understand?

You know what?

I don't.

And I'mma say it to you like this.

Get off my porch,

mall cop, goofball and old man.

Old man? You 'bout to find out

who's a old man.

[electricity crackling]

Now, it's your pick, Brodie.

n*pples or nuts?

Johnny, hold these.

I'mma take your damn package, too, boy.

[muttering indistinctly]

Johnny, come on with your nasty a*s.

Yeah. Tell Russell Westbrook

that the clothes fit just fine.

Yeah, perfect size.

I'll do a post or something. All right.

Hey, Sasha, what's up? How was Sephora?

It was fun. I got the eye shadow palette

you wanted for research.

Get anything for yourself?

I wasn't in the mood to shop. Girl stuff.

Girl stuff? Like

Girl stuff, huh?

Uh

Girl stuff.

You want to, uh

You wanna talk about anything?

- Not really.

- [whispers] Thank God.

- Here's the eye shadow.

- Mmm. Okay.

- Oh, that's mine.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Mine.

- All right.

- Mine.

- Yeah

Ooh! Desert Dust

- Yeah.

- That's mine, too.

- All right. [chuckles]

- Uh, here's the shadow.

You said you ain't

get nothing for yourself.

No, I said I wasn't in the mood to shop.

Okay, all right.

- Oh, by the way, your Visa's maxed out.

- What are you talking about?

Listen. I just got

my credit card score up to 540.

Project Power.

Don't p*stol shrimp me.

What you doing here?

I arrested a perp in the neighborhood,

but I got some news for you.

Brodie's ghosting Sasha.

Who told you this? Did Zia tell you?

No. She left her phone in the kitchen

and I read her and Sasha's texts.

Also, apparently,

Lil Baby's new song slaps.

All right. Look. You know what?

This is all wrong,

but it's working out brilliantly.

Pops is always right.

n*pples or nuts, huh?

[both chanting] n*pples or nuts

- Hey, n*pples or

- n*pples or nuts

- Johnny?

- What?

We've already talked about this.

We call them men and women.

Men have n*pples, too, Chelsea.

And some of them

even like them played with.

Oh!

Okay, Johnny, we all heard that.

We're standing right here.

[officer over radio] All units.

Burglary suspectat 4th and Peachtree.

That's the perp from my cruiser.

He wanted the window down

because it was hot.

All units, please be advised.

The perp is very persuasive.

Chels, whaddup?

I've been thinking about your offer

to work with you.

Ah! And I've been thinking

that you was gonna come to your senses,

and that's why I'm a step ahead of you.

I have the celebratory

champagne here to celebrate.

But it ain't the good kind.

That's 'cause you're too cheap

to buy the good kind.

I'm not taking the job.

That's why I don't have the good kind.

What are you talking about?

I love the idea of running marketing here,

but you can't pay me

what I'm making at Co.

And I'm stretched thin

already paying for all my ex-husbands.

Actually, two of them.

'Cause one thinks I'm dead.

Why don't I leave you two alone?

Thank you.

[Brian mumbling]

Chels, what is it? Is it about the money?

Tsk. Hell yeah. Come on,

I got health care. I got a 401(k).

- And I got a company car.

- I could get you a company car.

You just gotta co-sign for it.

Look, it's our mom's family business.

You can't do this, Chels.

I know, bro, but I

[sighs] I just can't.

- No, you can.

- No, I can't.

- You trippin'.

- Why?

Because blood is thicker than water.

And blood is thicker than Coca-Cola, too.

But Coca-Cola pay them bills.

All right, I'mma take these.

I'mma try 'em out.

All right, bro, love you, bye.

I hope you break out.

Brian, Citibank is

on line two about your Visa.

Report it as fraud and we get it free.

I thought Brodie and I were really vibing.

We were gonna get matching henna tattoos

of our couple name.

Brosha.

I'm sorry, angel.

I've been telling you since you were

four months old that boys suck.

Or maybe something really bad

happened to Brodie.

Like, he's in a coma.

Or even worse,

he lost his phone.

What should I do, auntie?

Well, you could do

what I always used to do.

You find something of his to burn.

Is that why we always used to

have those bonfires every summer?

Yeah, that's my girl. Pyrotherapy.

Ooh. You could do what my cousin Kiki did.

Okay. Okay.

So you take a picture of one of your boobs

and send it to him,

and he's definitely gonna text you back

and ask for the other one.

Mmm-mmm. We're definitely not doing that.

[chuckles] Y'all are underage.

Hey, ladies, what you doin'?

Sasha got bread-crumbed, side-barred

and now she's benched.

I'm sorry.

Or congratulations Chelsea, translate.

Yeah, so this guy that she likes,

he stopped responding to her texts.

Oh, right. Yeah, that sucks.

I got ghosted once,

and then three weeks later,

he un-ghosted me

with a Venmo request for rent,

for the two nights I slept over.

You know, a guy once ghosted me,

but I saw right through him.

Get it? Like a ghost,

I saw right through him.

[laughs]

- Bless her heart.

- Okay. Tough crowd.

You know what?

I'mma tell you

what my mama used to say to me.

A woman's worth

comes from the inside, not the outside.

But if these boys start playing games,

you toss his a*s to the side.

Yes.

You know that Bay was

her entire idea, right?

Really?

Okay. Think about this.

How many single moms could've built

a successful company from scratch?

Especially when one of your kids

is as dumb as your daddy.

Oh, gosh, I miss her.

Uh-oh. Rooster in the hen house.

What's up, Pop?

Chelsea, you're gonna need

a new car battery.

Why?

[door closes]

Owusu Jr.?

What the hell?

So, we gonna do

the boob thing or what, huh?

Are you sippin' that for me? [laughs]

Because I just won

the Father of the Year award.

What are you talking about?

I just saved my baby girl

from her first bonfire.

- That's what I'm talking about.

- Are you sure?

'Cause if it has anything to do

with Sasha's friend Brodie,

she's still upstairs devastated right now.

Yes. It has everything to do with Brodie.

See, I got the picture

to get him out the picture.

- Oh, God.

- Look at this.

- Here we go.

- Yeah.

Who is this little player

with his arms all around that girl?

Focus. That's Brodie.

Gimme this.

You're stalking this little boy.

Yes, you are.

- You did that to me in high school.

- Chels

I'm not stalking him.

And don't you ever snatch

my phone like that.

Listen, what happened was

the minute Sasha turned her back,

he rolls up to another girl

and tries to get warm.

- You can't show her this.

- Why not?

Okay. You have got to

stay out of her business.

Listen. She is my business, okay?

And I am the chairman and the CEO.

You're a control freak, Brian.

Let the girl sink or swim on her own.

Yeah. She's gotta go through stuff.

You know, things happen.

We drowned a few times.

- Girl, I'm

- We still alive though.

- We okay.

- I'm still drowning.

Mmm.

You look like y'all need some floaties.

Okay, look, I know how to handle this.

I'll handle it my way,

and that is I lay down the law

and I'm Father of the Year.

For what? You crossin' a line, B.

Get your snorkels,

and I hope you get bit by Jaws.

Wow.

sh**t that [grunts] That's what

I'm talking about. LeBron James.

[grunts] Mmm-hmm. Uh Huh.

Bang! Time out, San Antonio.

- Stacy, I thought you left.

- I was hoping we could talk.

Can't talk right now

because the king is on. [chuckles]

Get that, LeBron. Take that for yourself.

Okay. LeBron has got his bread.

We need to talk about yours.

LeBron doesn't eat bread

during the playoffs.

We aren't on the team.

- You're on the couch.

- What you doin'?

This better be good.

Bay isn't doing well,

but I think that I can help.

I know it's not doing well.

Why you rubbin' this in my face?

What're you sayin'?

Look, I'm being serious, okay?

I want you to consider me

for head of marketing position.

- Head of marketing?

- Yeah.

Uh [hesitates] Look,

we've been struggling with that. I mean

Okay.

Since you turned off the king

give me a king's pitch.

- Hmm?

- All right

Well, I'm perfect for this job

because I studied marketing at Emory,

and for the past five years, I have gotten

to know Bay from the inside out.

I know all of your goals,

your strategies, your secrets.

Secrets?

You mean I didn't delete

my search history?

You know, I was trying to look up StubHub.

Right.

Anyway, you signed

a non-disclosure agreement, so

It was just a piece of paper that said,

"Please don't tell anyone anything,"

written in red lipstick.

But it was on company letterhead.

From the Hampton Inn at Dulles airport.

[laughs] That's still a company.

Brian, I know that Bay

is a family business, okay?

But I care about it

like I'm part of the family.

And I promise, if you trust me and let me

run with this, I am going to k*ll it.

[grunting]

Oh. Okay. Okay.

That was a king pitch.

Hmm. You know what?

Because you did that

and your other qualifications

It's yours.

Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

Thank you so, uh

[bang]

Brian Uh

Why is Chelsea taking out

Pops' car battery?

n*pples or nuts, Stace.

n*pples or nuts.

How crazy is it,

when we were in high school,

dads were telling us

to stay away from their daughters,

and now we're doing the same thing.

[chuckles] Come on, man.

You didn't have no girls.

- Really?

- Really.

What do you call that girl

I took to the prom?

A hostage.

She was a fine-a*s hostage, though, right?

[mumbling agreement]

Dude, I can't believe you!

Baby, I am your father.

Trust me. Fifteen years

of child support receipts to prove it.

Well, 14 years, 'cause that first year

she didn't look like me.

You actually went to Brodie's house?

Watch this. I can get out of anything.

I am the David Blaine of lies.

Why aren't there any Black magicians?

Brodie? Brodie who? [chuckles]

See? David Blaine.

[scoffs] Oh,

he ain't gettin' out of this one.

He's about to fall apart

like a bootleg Louis bag.

Well, Brodie just sent me this.

It's video from his Ring doorbell.

Video? That's not good.

Oh Oh, uh

See, what had happened was

I was We were out.

We're getting into Jehovah's Witnesses,

and we rolled by his place.

But you gotta understand.

You can't hear what we're

We're testifying to him

but there's no audio.

Oh, it has audio.

Audio?

That's not good.

Do you have any idea

how embarrassing this is for me?

No, you don't.

Because you always embarrass me.

I can't believe you went behind my back

and threatened Brodie.

I can't believe you went behind my back

and went out with him in the first place.

Okay? Now, this is my house.

It's my rules.

You'll abide by it

'cause I pay the bills here.

[scoffs] So I have to follow all

your rules around here,

no matter how stupid they are?

First of all, you watch your tone,

your delivery and your neck.

Whatever this is, all this

I need still-necktedness in this house.

Good talk.

That's the thing. You never let me talk.

You just lay down your rules

without listening to my point of view.

I'm a teenage girl.

I'm gonna talk to boys.

And I am a grown Black man

and I'mma whip them boys' asses.

God. Do you even listen to yourself?

Look, I'm sorry I went behind your back.

But what choice did I have?

Okay, well, I accept your apology.

- You don't think you did anything wrong?

- You know what? Hell to the no.

Hey, on the bright side,

we didn't fry Brodie's n*pples.

You know what really sucks?

I thought Brodie didn't like me

because of me.

But it turns out he didn't like me

because of you.

Thanks, Dad.

You know what? I was protecting you.

Okay? I got video proof

of your perfect little Brodie right here.

He's right here with

Hell

did I just delete it?

Delete what?

Deleted the video

Well, anyway. Brodie ain't sh*t.

Okay? He is a wolf

in skinny jeans clothing,

and he is playing you like a upright bass.

Look at this.

I don't need you to protect me.

I've been taking care of myself

for 15 years just fine.

That's how you're gonna talk to me, huh?

I was there for you three weeks

every summer and the holidays.

Well, maybe I should've

just stayed in Chicago!

Well, you ain't!

You're here!

You're in my house!

- And it's my rules.

- Okay.

- There's my Nubian queen.

- There's my soon-to-be-celibate king.

Don't even talk to me.

Why would you delete the video?

You know what I was trying to do.

You deleted that video.

You also deleted

my "Twerking While Working" video.

Okay. Guess what? It wasn't me.

That was Stacy.

But I deleted "Twerking While Working."

Anyway, Brian, listen.

I got some great news.

- I don't wanna hear it.

- [sighs]

I'm gonna take the marketing job

with you at Bay.

Oh

I was thinking about Mom and I was

thinking about how much Bay meant to her.

- Yup?

- And you're right.

- Bay should be a family business.

- Mmm

So I quit my job at Coke.

You quit? Like, quit quit?

Like, Dave Chappelle quit?

Dave Chappelle

[mimics Chappelle] "Quit"?

[mimics Chappelle] "Quit."

[in normal voice] I'm over, it's done.

- [sighs]

- [electricity crackling]

The hell is that?

Pops, what you doing?

Manny owed me some money

from our little pool game.

I will find him and I will k*ll him.