01x16 - Fresh Ink

[bunniefuu]

Okay. You want the bad news,
the worse news

or the c*ck-a-doodle-dung news?

Uh, I'm feeling adventurous.

Let's go with
the c*ck-a-doodle-dung news.

Sacramento Sally
just informed me

that they're shutting down
East Humboldt,

our stepsister branch.

They got E-Hum?

- Oh, no.
- Yep. It has begun.

This is bad for us.

Apparently, customer reviews
are "subpar,"

and since this is "not golf,"
that means "not good."

We should get subs
and go golfing.

Sandwiches and sand wedges?

And if that weren't bad enough,

check out the latest 10 and 2.

"Rude, where's my car?"

Funny.

"South Hollywood fights back
against auto theft."

I love the DMV mag.

We all do,
but now that South h* manager

has a three-page spread,

I'm the only
Hollywood branch manager

who hasn't been featured.

Barb, you've always said
that running a DMV

- is its own reward.
- Sure,

but we need
all the good PR we can get.

And a little howdy-do
for my hard work would be nice.

Oh, Barb.

This is the Smacking Beavers
all over again.

Don't say anything.

Just give it a moment.
Maybe she'll move on.

Sorry, mate, I can't do it.

What-what's "Smacking Beavers"?

My high school football team.
I was the mascot.

Bet you got shoved into

a lot of garbage cans
by cool guys like me.

Are all the other cool guys
as successful as you are now?

More.

- Oh.
- More successful.

Putting on that head
was the thrill of my life.

Crowds would roar
when I hit the field.

To this day,
I've never gotten credit.

Nobody knows I was the Beev.

That is so sad.

But also, I-I feel like
you could just

tell people it was you.

And violate the mascot code?

I barely graduated because
every class I had to miss

for a game,
I couldn't tell 'em why.

So, meeting adjourned, I guess?

Hold on.
I think I got a picture.

Hey, Siri,

find a picture of my beaver.

- No.
- I got a call to make.

Sorry, I didn't quite get that.

Go, go, go.

Wow.

- Dang.
- Wow.

That is one talented beaver.

- That cannot be Barb.
- There's no way.

Aw, tutti-frutti!

- Oh, yeah, yeah. I see her now.
- Oh, that's Barb. - Yep. Yeah, I see it.

- There it is.
- There she is.

God, look at her.

She had so much spirit
even then.

And now she's working so hard
to keep this branch afloat,

and she still can't
get any recognition.

Yeah, and there's nothing
you can do to change it.

You're right. I can change it.

Later, nerds.

I got a driving test.

- Hey, Noa.
- What's up?

Okay, I printed some
of the reviews from online.

Barb wasn't kidding...
they're... they're terrible.

Especially you two.

They read more like hate mail.

Ah, nothing can hurt me more
than Tanya saying "I do."

I mean, how bad could they be?

Right?

"This guy who looks like
he was born near a microwave

"made me sit
in the CVS parking lot

for 20 minutes

while he got
his prescriptions filled."

What? That is a blatant lie.

I was buying Powerball tickets.

- Hmm.
- Didn't win.

This one says,
"I got a condescending lecture

from a well-educated,
articulate guy." Who's that?

It's me.

- He's afraid to say "Black."
- Oh.

"I asked him if I should
turn my lights on,

"and he said,
'Doesn't matter to me.

I've been living in darkness
since the day I got married.'"

Oh, come on. That's an old one.

I took that out of rotation
years ago.

Look at this one.

"The jagoff spilled a bag
of protein powder

"all over my Jetta.

"Then when I reached across
to get napkins

"out of the glove box, he said,

'I'm Gregg. You just failed.'"

Okay.

Bottom line:
C, D, S, G...

Hey, Barb.

I'm vetting the new eye exams
for typos.

I've been burned before.

I just did a driving exam

with a friend of a journalist,
and I got you a profile

in a very prestigious
publication.

- Oh. New York Times?
- Mm.

L.A. Times?

- Mm.
- Sports Illustrated?

CHUMS. Central Hollywood
Unified Magnet Sentinel.

- A high school paper?
- Yeah.

I know it's not the big leagues,

but, uh, I used to write
for my school paper, and...

Colette, this is perfect.

Teen drivers
are our target demo.

Big Sac is gonna be thrilled!

Exactly. And, like,
it's really good practice

for when you get the big boys.

- 10 and 2.
- Yeah.

This beaver's
gonna be a centerfold!

I think I work in PR now.

I always wanted to go
to Puerto Rico.

Havana, specifically.

Yeah, well, maybe you can do
some damage control

to Vic's reputation,
because according to Brenda P,

he is "the evolutionary bridge
between human and mutant."

Oh, you guys uncorked
the reviews? Aren't mine great?

"A breath of fresh air."

- Okay, Raul G.
- Whatever.

It's not like we were trying
to get good reviews.

Yeah, we both know you wouldn't
do any better if you were.

Uh, that's
your long COVID talking.

Bet I could get
a good review before you.

- Scoff.
- Aw.

The scoff of a scared old man.

Want to put
a little something on it?

Anything.

Okay, how about this?

Loser gets tattooed.

- Barb as the beaver.
- Yes.

I can't believe Grumpy Bear over
here thinks he can take me down.

What's so amusing, Greggie?

Hi. I'm Happy Gregg.

I was blessed
with serving 25 years

of parent-teacher conferences.

Oh, no, no.

- That's creepy.
- Mr. D'Angelo,

have you ever witnessed
the first steps

of a newborn colt
as he tries to find his legs

in the slippery hay
of his mother's stall?

- Stop it!
- That's what it's like

teaching your son.

Only better.

I hate Happy Gregg.

Every day is a miracle.

That's enough.
Please stop.

Wave your hand in front of your
face. Get sad again. I'm scared.

Colette's learning to express

her independence
in class this year.

- No, I'm not.
- I'm really proud of you.

Oh, yes.

Bringing out the good biscuits.

So, who's coming over...
the queen?

Uh, actually,
a student journalist

is coming to do
a profile on Barb.

You're saying a teenager
is going to ask Barb questions

and then print out
the actual things Barb says

for other people to read?

I know Barb might not be
the most polished,

but I think she can handle

an innocent
high school reporter, Noa.

Look, I know you want Barb
to get recognition,

but aren't you worried
it'll be for the wrong thing

at precisely the wrong time
for the branch?

Okay, buzzkill.

Like, Barb might goof around,

but I think, at her core,
she's extremely professional.

- Okay?
- Good news!

My mom found my mascot costume
in the attic.

She's gonna overnight my beaver.

And I was thinking,

the interview is a great time

for me to introduce my new idea
of a teen-mentoring program.

That is great, Barb.

I'm gonna call it
"Touching Teens."

Oh, God.

I know. I know.

And can I tell you a secret?

I really hope
they touch me, too.

Okay.
Remember what we practiced.

Be like dry toast.

Exactly.
Give 'em nothing to chew on.

Stick to the facts.

Do you want to do another,
like, practice question?

Yeah. Uh, what's your favorite
part of being a manager?

Having my own private bathroom.

Haven't had to buy toilet paper
in, like, six months.

- Facts.
- Don't tell the reporter

that you steal toilet paper.

I don't steal it.

I've simply trained my insides
to go only at work.

And I-I can't
stress this enough, Barb...

when you answer
the reporter's questions, don't.

What are you so worried about?

Do you not have faith in Barb?

Uh, no. I... What? I do.

It's just I-I don't want you
to give her anything

that she can, like, manipulate.

- Yeah.
- I gotcha.

No loose lips.

Here she comes.

It's-it's go time.

Thanks, Mom.

Larry.

Get a load of that bloodhound.

Hey. Welcome to the DMV.

I'm Colette Tyler.

I'm a veteran
of student journalism.

And this is our manager.

Barb Berry.
I do not touch teens.

Okay.

Were those your parents?

My mom.
And Larry.

He wants to sell the house
I was born in.

I was born in a McDonald's
PlayPlace ball pit.

They couldn't find me
for two hours.

Less.

One hour.

My wife and I went to
a farmers market the other day,

and I saw a strawberry

that was so beautiful...

it made me cry.

God, you are so funny.

Yes, I want to hear your demo.

- Really?
- Yes.

Ooh, that's a deduction.

I'm just kidding.

I drew a smiley face.

Well, my advice is

marry your best friend,

settle down,

and dedicate yourself to love.

Have a blessed day.

Thank you so much.

Don't forget that review.

Bye.

Oh, God.

Being pleasant is exhausting.

I wouldn't know.

- I'd never stoop that low.
- Yeah?

- You ready to get that new tattoo?
- Oh,

I'm not shaving my a*s just yet.

Nobody said it had to go there.

It's fine.
There's still some space.

- Hmm.
- Besides,

- I'm gonna win.
- You?

You think you're gonna get a
better review than Happy Gregg?

Yep.

'Cause the nicest guy
in the whole office

needed a retest,
and guess who scooped him up.

Noa.
Ready to go, pumpkin?

Carve my face up,

'cause this pumpkin is ready.

Turns out he wasn't hairless.
He was just shaved.

Hey, hey.

I forgot you were in there.

- Teresa, it was an honor. Bring it in.
- Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Barb is so busy being a super
high-functioning manager. Yeah.

She probably
shouldn't talk anymore.

Thanks, Barbie.

Anyway, how was...

Great.
If you like wasting time.

There's no story here.

They taught us about this
in class.

It's called a "nothingburger."

Luckily, our tip line
just lit up

with a juicer...
some adult shorts were left

under the bleachers.

No. No, you have to do
the story.

It's important to the branch,
and Barb's so excited.

Well, I was excited
to blossom into womanhood

with my mother's
undivided attention,

but, instead, I got Larry.

Where's out?

Hey, look, look,

journo to journo,

I may have prepped Barb
a little too hard.

The thing is, she can be
a little unpredictable,

and so I was afraid
she was gonna come off

- like a...
- Buffoon?

Moron? Simpleton?

Yes. Thank you.

You're like a catty thesaurus.

She's working really hard
to keep this place open,

and you should care.

We give teens like you
independence

every time we issue a license.

Mm, uh-oh.

Did I just find the angle
for your story?

Maybe there's something here.

Yeah. This just in:

she's still got it.

Okay.

I'm gonna write something up.

It'll be online in an hour.

Wow. That is fast.

'Cause back in my day, it to...

Yeah.

Headphones are on.
What you got in there?

K-pop?

Can't hear me. Bye.

Hi. Lucas, Gregg Mosley here.

Just a little gentle reminder to
fill out that customer review.

Okay.

Thank you in advance.

Stay prayed up.

Aw. Must be hard
to get a great review

when you don't have a personal
relationship with the examinee.

Luckily,

I don't have that problem
with Noa.

Lucas will come through.

I know it.

'Cause I poured my fake heart
out to that guy.

Oh.

Speak of the angel.

Uh, Noa's review...

What the hell is this crap?

Let me see that.

Ooh.

"Vic was my instructor.

He passed me."

Wow.

I guess there is something
meaner than a bad review.

Indifference.

Whew.

Ooh!

And for the win...

Mm.

Hello, Lucas.

What?

W-W...
I wouldn't call it harassment.

- Oh, hmm.
- I just called five or six times...

Okay, well, you know what?

My marriage
is a loveless hellscape.

Five stars?

May Happy Gregg rest in peace.

Is it out?

Not yet. But they are
really trying to sell me

on this full-body deodorant,

and they're doing
a darn good job.

You know, 10 and 2 may just want
to buy the rights

and reprint the article.

I told Sally it's coming.

Maybe she'll kick it up
to the bigwigs

and we can become number one h*.

Yes, I hope so.

Hey, Colette. Thanks.

Uh, this article
means a lot to me.

Hey, you deserve
your moment in the spotlight.

- You work...
- Yukon potatoes, it's out!

What? What does it say?

"DMV Run by Buffoon"?

What?

Who could've said that?

"Says Overconfident
Driving Examiner Colette Tyler."

Wow, Colette.

- No.
- Get a grip.

Barb, I didn't.

I didn't say that.

Hey, Barb.

I made nachos.

But we're out of Ritz Crackers,

so I had to use tortilla chips.

That's exactly how this day

- is going.
- That reporter

completely manipulated my words.

I did not say
the things in that article.

Oh, you want me to believe
the Internet's lying?

I was born in a ball pit,

not yesterday, Colette.

She wasn't gonna write
the story.

She-she thought
that you were boring.

Because you turned me
into a human crouton.

I was so in my head, I was
scared to say anything at all.

Honestly, Barb,
I was trying to protect you.

I-I adore you, but you can be
a bit of a loose cannon.

A loose cannon is good.

Y-You don't want to be
a stiff cannon on a b*ttlefield.

You want to be able
to swivel on a dime

and blast a massive lead ball
in your enemy's chest.

Which is exactly
what you did to me.

Um, are you having
a heart attack?

No.

I'm miming
a Revolutionary b*ttlefield

where I'm taking a ball
straight to the chest.

See? This right here would've
been gold for the interview.

What the hell is this, man?

This is what you wrote?

There's nothing kinder
than the truth.

What does that
have to do with anything?

- Five stars, man.
- Wait, wait, wait,

is he trying to bully you
into changing your review?

That's cheating.

I'm not bullying.

Now, you listen to me,
Kangaroo Jack.

You either change that review

or, so help me God...

I apologize for the hapkido,

but I won't write
a dishonest review, mate.

- Tap out.
- Okay.

I'm tapping.

You just made a huge mistake,

my friend, 'cause I haven't

filed the results
for your driver's exam yet.

And, guess what... you failed.

- No!
- Again.

Come on, man.

Unless...

Hey, that's extortion.

English, please, Gregg.

What do you say, Noa?

I'm not changing the review.

Fine.

Didn't hurt anyways.
I was faking.

Sorry.

I'm going for the form.

Yeah, dude.

I was just...

- Mosquito.
- Okay.

It's my mosquito hapkido.

Thanks for meeting me.

Make it quick. I'm missing
mock trial right now.

I'm just the alternate juror,
but it's important.

Why'd you write that hit piece?

Relax. No one cares
about the stupid DMV.

I do.

And Barb does.

And despite what you wrote,

she's not a buffoon.

She's a really good egg.

Maybe even...

- the goodest egg.
- Oh,

I can't believe your
writing career went nowhere.

She is passionate,
loyal, energetic.

She has vision.

You should see her
on an eye exam.

Oh, my God,
she's like a unicorn in a vest.

So cringe.

If Barb is cringe, then so am I.

Yeah, I know.

You're both cringe.

Just print a retraction.

Nothing's been printed.

It's all online.

I'm not wasting any more time

with a middle-aged
driving examiner.

Here's what's
gonna happen, Teresa.

Either you fix the article

or every one of your little
friends who comes in for a test

is going to fail.

And I'm gonna tell them
it's because of you.

And then the whole school
will hate you,

you'll lose your followers,

you'll get kicked out
of your extracurriculars,

and then you'll be begging
that loser Larry

to come and hang out with you.

Is that cringe enough for you?

Thanks so much for meeting me.

I love your hair. Bye.

Oh. Let me get you out.

See ya.

Miss you.

Wow.

How's that for overconfident?

"Unhinged DMV Worker
Threatens Child"?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

This is so bad.

Well,

not one single positive review.

I know. I wasted
the whole day being happy.

I mean, how hard is it
to say something nice?

- Mm-hmm.
- "Gregg is a bit standoffish,

but, deep down, he means well."

Yeah, I know.
Would it k*ll someone to write

"Vic seems like a tough guy,
but on the inside,

"he's a sweetheart
and not annoying all the time

and definitely not as stupid
as he looks."

Yes. Thank you.

Like, a little bit of kindness
goes a long...

I mean, why did we ever start
caring about these dumb reviews?

They're just
a meaningless snapshot

of people's anger
and frustration.

Yes. And, you know what,
words hurt.

Some people, I-I mean.

Well, let's just agree
we don't like reviews

and we won't pay attention
to 'em at all.

Yes. Agreed.

I swear, this is the worst kebab
I've ever eaten.

And it's not cheap.

Yeah. Mine's rare.

And it's chicken.

And the rice?

It's like a clump.

You know what?

- Mm.
- "Do not eat

"at O'Grady's
Mediterranean Grill.

More like O'Grady's
Mediterranean Diarrhea."

And post.

- Mm.
- That'll show 'em.

Yes. Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

You threatened a child?

Um...

I'm trying to spin this.

Uh, but, yeah, no, I did.
I did.

Are you mad?

I was.

Until I got to this part.

"Foam frothed
from her rancid mouth

"as she insisted
her boss is loyal,

passionate, and has the vision
of a unicorn."

Did you really say all that?

I mean, I by no means frothed.

But I...

Ish. I said you were
a unicorn in a vest.

I just wanted her to capture
how you show up here every day

with that big beaver energy

to a place that she called...

"a nightmare factory."

Hey,

it means a lot
hearing all that nice stuff.

It's better
than any media attention.

What about the publicity
for the branch, though?

Eh, it was for the best. There
was only, like, ten page views,

and half of 'em were mine.

Thank God.
Not my best photo.

Look at that.

But now,
when the real press comes,

you'll know just to be yourself.

Maybe we can approach it
from a different angle.

- Love that.
- Deep down, I believe in Touching Teens.

No. After today,

I'm not allowed
near high schoolers.

And if you keep saying
that phrase,

you won't be either.

Sorry, Barb.

Hey. Greggles.
You have experience

teaching kids.
Would you be interested

- in helping me with this...
- No.

Perhaps we could ask
Happy Gregg?

Sure.

Nice.

No.

Huh.

Ooh. ♪ So tender. ♪

Can't believe
you got the tattoo.

Well, the bet was
whoever lost gets tattooed.

We both lost.

Now it's time
for you to get one.

Okay.

I'm making the appointment
right now.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I give you the D-M...

Beaver...!

All right!

Yeah, come on!

All right!

Yeah! Yeah.

Lady Gaga! Uh-oh!

My head!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't look at me! Don't...
Look away!

Seriously!
The mascot code!

Don't worry.
I got it, Barb.

I mean "Beaver."
Beaver.

You think we'll ever have
a normal day around here?

- I think this is our normal.
- Mm.