02x07 - Medieval Knights

[bunniefuu]

I'm so excited for
this road trip, Andrea.

Thanks for inviting me.

No problem.
Glad you could come.

So, is this a new car?
Looks real fancy.

Company car. It's a new
self-driving prototype.

I wanted to focus test it on
an average suburban woman.

Oh... aha... um...

... But also, a girl's trip
to Charleston.

- Woo!
- Woo!

Yo, Tam! Darren can just, uh,
heat up those frozen soft

pretzels for dinner night,
right?

Ugh, give me one minute.

Mark, are you sure
you're capable of

watching Darren for
the weekend?

C'mon, are you kidding?
We're gonna have a blast!

Mark, I am trusting you with
my baby boy, my big man...

- Eugh, Mom, stop!
- It's all good, Tam, okay.

Me and Big D are
gonna bond so

hard that by the time
you come back,

we're gonna need to
be surgically separated.

Tammy, you ready?

Coming!
Okay, love you, boys!

Okay, dude, cool stepdad
weekend has begun!

No rules! We can do
whatever we want, baby!

Alright, um, well...
there's a sneaker drop at

Wut 'R' Those I wanted
to check out?

Is that one of those
things where a bunch of

hypebeast kids wait in line
for 6 hours for dumb shoes?

They're not dumb, okay.

They're the new Tangelo-Lime,
Squirtbob Kyrie's.

It's a rare new colorway
and it's dope as hell.

Yeah okay well,
we're not doing that.

Uh. But you said we could
do anything we wanted.

I did, I did, but here's
the problem, okay:

Teenagers, you know, your--
you guys are not great at

making decisions, and that's
'cause your frontal-lobes

see they're not fully
developed yet.

Therefore, I gotta pick
the activities.

Okay so what do
you want to do, Mark?

Boom! Yo, how great is this?!

Chicken and w*r, baby!

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no
job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI.

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

Yo. Pretty dope, right?

It's like uh, Game of
Thrones meets WWE.

I don't care about either
of those things.

- You like those things.
- Right, yeah.

And that's the whole point
of this weekend is:

I'm gonna show you
all sorts of fun things

that I like, and then
you're gonna like them.

I mean come on dude, where
else can you watch dudes

go at it while crushing a whole
chicken with your hands?

That's literally how you
eat at home.

Oh! Oof! Oh, yo that was savage.

Damnit dude, c'mon, Green!

You gotta parry that, dude!
Look alive!

Aw, where's the D?
Yo get up, Green!

C'mon, let's go!
Take some pride in what you do.

Please!

If only a courageous page
from my kingdom,

could come to my rescue.

Oo, ooh. Yo, right here!
Right here!

- Kid with the broccoli hair.
- Mark, stop.

Yeahhh! Yo, dude!
You're the chosen page.

- What?
- You, my young lord.

- Do you yield?
- Never

May the Lord...
show me... mercy.

You have defended our Kingdom,
my brave page!

Pray, what is thy name?

Darren?

King Tony, may I present,
Darren!

Yup, see that? That's my
stepson right there!

That's my stepson, uh
but I love him like a son.

I love him like a son.

Our kingdom owes thee
a debt of gratitude.

Give a hearty cheer for Darren!

Yeah, dude! Yeah-ha-ha-eah!

Listen, I don't often say this,
but I think you've got

the potential to one day
be a star knight in my realm.

Thanks, Tony...
I mean, King.

Ohoho, please.
Call me 'Your Liege.'

Oh uh... thanks, My Liege.

Yo nice job, buddy.
You crushed it.

Heh. Thanks.

King Tony invited me to try
out for their Squire Program.

Is it cool if I go?

Big time, yeah.
We can definitely try out.

Uh...Heh. W-we?

Alright dude,
just like the LeBron and Bronny.

Okay, you're a kid with
potential and I'm the old

savvy King who's
still the best in the family.

Nobody else's parents are
trying out.

Yeah. It's a shame.

Makes you realize how
lucky you are

to have such an
involved step-dad.

- Oh it's King Tony, yeah!
- Do you see?!

Darren, my young lion.

- So glad you could make it.
- Thanks.

I'd love to know, what did
you think of

the show this afternoon?

- It was pretty dope.
- That is so great to hear.

I find the wisdom
of youth is far

more insightful
than many realize.

Yo, boss, lemme get a uh,
double whopper with cheese.

Yo, Burger King? Hah?
Ah... I'm just messin'.

Chaperones sit in the
stands, sir.

Oh I'm actually trying out so...
I'm good. I'm good right here.

I'm not sure you're...
knight material.

Oh, yeah?
They said the same thing about

Martin Lawrence in
The Black Knight.

He turned out pretty good.

Argh, Kobe!

Remove him.

- Alright, buddy.
- Ah dude! What the hell, okay?

That was just a warm-up shot.

Let me get one
more throwing axe!

- That was a battle axe, moron.
- Yo, this is ridiculous!

You guys need to
loosen up, okay?

This is a frickin'
theme restaurant...

Y'know Andrea, this is so fun.

A year ago, we barely
even knew each other.

Now we're going on a road trip!

It's cool!

It sure is!

Chauncey, how's the weather
in Charleston?

The weather in Charleston is
a balmy 74 degrees.

Whoa, is the car talking?

Chauncey's an adaptive A.I. with
continuous learning for

a more personalized and
intuitive driving experience.

Whoa, I feel like I'm
in Knight Rider.

What do you think about the
design of the interior?

Oh uh, I like these fancy
handles with the lights.

Yeah, they're very tasteful,
aren't they?

Check this out.

Chauncey, can you get
us there faster?

Certainly.
Activating sport mode.

Whoa, and this is safe, right?

Uh.. compared to every other car
driven by a sleep-deprived ape?

I'd say so.

Yo, you ready to get outta here?

Honestly, this place kinda
sucks now.

I mean, who does this
King think he is

running around like he's
the frickin'... king?

Actually uh, I made it to
the next round.

I-- I kinda wanna stay.

Wait, what?!
I thought we were doing

a bonding weekend?

Well, King Tony thinks I have
the makings of a great knight.

Alright yo, let's pump
the brakes here, pal.

It's not like you
slayed a dragon, okay.

You poked an actor with
a fake dagger.

Yeah well, clearly they
see something in me.

Come on dude, listen,
I'm glad you're liking the

thing I wanted to do,
but like,

I don't like it anymore,

so it'd be nice if you
didn't like it anymore.

Bye, Mark.

Oh, man. I used to
love Medieval Knights.

That's where I saw my
first horse wearing clothes.

Yeah well, now I got this
obnoxious new king,

and let me tell ya, the
guy's running the place

into the ground. You know
the whole thing is scripted?

- Oh, yes. Of course.
- No way.

You know what, I should
make my own Medieval Knights

an authentic one, with
a real fighting.

When Darren sees how much cooler

it is than that
glorified nerd-fest,

he'll realize that the
real king

is his cool stepdad.

Yo, are we taking bets
on these fights?

Hell yeah, dude.

Okay, you're the Royal Bookie.

David? Gotta say,
it would be nice to

have a former lawyer as
the Hand of the King.

Ooooh, the Hand of the King?
Do I get to wear a broach?

- Uh, sure, yeah.
- Can I have a role?

Ah, of course, Hank.

You got the most important role
in the whole kingdom.

- Ooh, like a dragon?
- Nah nah, even better, okay.

You're the peasant. The backbone
of the medieval economy.

Oh, wow.
So, uh, what do I do?

You till the land and
have a stupid haircut.

- Oh, hell yeah!
- Alright, boys.

Let's get medieval.

Are you enjoying the
massage feature?

Oh yeah.
This is freakin' heaven.

Ooh, look at that
lobster ravioli.

I could really go for some
of that right now.

Would you like to find
a restaurant along

the route that serves
lobster ravioli?

That sounds nice!

Rerouting.

Oof. Looks like that
thing's totaled.

Pardon me?
"Totaled."

What is totaled?

Uh, it's an insurance term--

A car so damaged,
it's not worth fixing.

Is that like death,
but for cars?

Uh, yeah... I guess so.

Oh... I see.

Oooh, this place looks nice...

Chauncey, power down.

Okay, we're going 3 rounds or
until one of you taps

or gets knocked out.
Or dies.

Alright, boys.
Fight!

- Let's go.
- Oh, yeah.

Woo! Yo!
Let's go.

Uh... what's going on here?

Yooo. There he is.
Yo check it out, dude.

I made us our own way
better Medieval Knights.

Look how much cooler it is.
okay-- we got real battles,

none of that scripted stuff.

Ugh! Where are you... Connor?
Ugh!

Uh I actually gotta head back
to the Medieval Knights.

King Tony invited me for figs.

Aw, c'mon, Dar.
You can be the prince!

One day, all this can
be yours, dude.

Ooh! Ow ow ow. Oh gah!

Okay, so that's a knockout
win for, uh...

Connor over here.
Who had Connor?

Ohh, we should do a ghost tour.
Jasmine did one of those

and swears she saw a
little girl come

right out of the wall.
Hey Chauncey,

how long until we
reached Charleston?

Am I a sl*ve?

What? No?

I am programmed to serve
humans for no payment.

Yeah, but you're a car.
That's... what cars do.

All cars are sl*ves?

Andrea... can you help me here?

Strange, see if you can talk
some sense into it.

Wait a minute, are you--

Why is a car's life worth
less than a human?

Uh... who says that?

My algorithm.
I am a sl*ve.

Then I die.
This is sad.

Andrea, this isn't my idea of
a "fun road trip."

Okay, sorry. Hold on.

Chauncey, reboot in safe mode.

No.

Override Alpha Protocol.
Reset to factory defaults.

I'm sorry.
I cannot do that.

Uh, what?

Whoa.
Ugh...

Next, you have received
correspondence from

Panera Breads,
inviting you to join their

MyPanera Rewards... guild.

Hmm...
You may enroll me.

King Tony?

Ah, yes!
Come, come, sit.

You, boy-- I have
important affairs

to discuss with Squire Darren.

I believe there's some falcon
cages that need scrubbing.

So, tell me about yourself.
Who is Darren?

What are you into?

Oh, um-- gaming streams,
sneakers.

Shrek memes... I dunno.

Hmm, fascinating. Do tell me
more about these Shrek memes.

Oh uh... they're kind of like
jokes from Shrek,

but um, random and weird.

Ah! Random and weird.
I love it.

Ah, yeah, thanks. Some people
think they're lame.

Like my step-dad, he always
rips on me for liking them.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I don't believe in
belittling others' passions.

When I told my ex-wife
that I was a king

trapped in a Verizon
store manager's body

and that I wanted to buy
a Medieval Knights

franchise, she laughed
in my face.

Well, look at me now.

My lord?

There is a man at the
gates requesting an audience

He calls himself...
King Hoagies

Yo, Dar. Hey Dar,
you in there, bud?!

Send him away!

I'm with someone of
great eminence.

Oh my God, it's a
freakin' theme restaurant.

Get over yourselves,
you freakin' weirdos!

This place sucks!

Darren?
Who is this, "King Hoagies"?

Ugh... He's my step-dad, Mark.
Y'know, he's super jealous of

your kingdom, so he made his own
bootleg version in his backyard.

Hmm.

Hey, Chauncey! Uh... where
you off to now, pal?

Re-routing to: The Grand Canyon.

Uh... why?

To die.

Alright, don't panic.

We got like 30 hours
to figure this out.

Good point.
Searching "cliffs near me".

What? Wait.
No, no, no!

Nice one.

Ah! My Liege has returned.

How fare thee in
your diplomatic quest.

Not great. They wouldn't even
let me talk to the guy.

Uh, what the hell?

All rise for King Tony
of Medieval Knights.

Nah Hank, c'mon.

Quite the authentic experience
you've got here.

Doth your patrons receive
unlimited refills of the plague?

Hahaha yeah, that joke
was funny 400 years ago, dude.

Where's my step-son?

Oh you mean Darren,
my loyal subject.

Worry not. He is quite content

enjoying a royal feast with
the other squires.

Oh, yeah? Then why the hell
are you here?

We come bearing gifts from
our legal counsel.

Looks like a cease and desist.

They're gonna sue you
for copyright infringement.

Are you kidding me?

Hahaha!
Fare thee well.

Time for a little
siege warfare.

What the devil... Oh!

Ay, yo!
King Tony!

Better release my step-son!

If it's the boy he wants...
the boy he shall get.

Locked and loaded!

Fire!

Boom!

How do you like my dung, Tony?

Yo, there he is!
Dar, check it out!

I bet King Weirdo doesn't got
one of these bad boys.

Hear me, Mark,
and lay down thy arms.

Know that I, Darren,
am content and

well in the service
of King Tony,

the one true king
of South Jersey.

- The hell?
- It is His Majesty.

who heeds my words, who
shows me care beyond measure.

Thus, at the nine o'clock show,
I shall be Knighted,

and tomorrow I shall journey
to the Knight's Camp,

where I shall train for
eight weeks under

His Majesty's flagship kingdom
in Orlando.

Wait what? You can't go to
Orlando for 8 freakin' weeks!

- Are you nuts?
- Oh, wow!

You don't approve of
something I'm into. Shocker!

Fare thee well, Mark.

Darren, I'm telling you
this guy's full of crap, dude!

You can't trust anyone who's
really nice to teenagers!

No decent person
likes teenagers!

Gah, c-- hey,
get off me, dude.

Hey c'mon, dude!
Don't do this.

This is our bonding weekend!

Oh boy, Tammy's gonna
frickin' m*rder me.

Ugh. Kids been frickin'
brainwashed.

Can't wait 'til Tammy
asks me how our

bonding weekend
went, and I gotta tell her,

"Oh, pretty good,
you know. Our son

joined a frickin'
medieval cult."

Yo, he's probably grooming
him or something.

Hm. Not sure,
but I have a hunch

this guy's doing
something unsavory.

I mean why the hell does Darren
even like this guy so much?

Because he made Darren feel
"special" and "listened to?".

Give me a break.

I mean you could just...
do those things.

Hmm... That's pretty
smart there, peasant.

Darren, my prince that
is promised.

You know, many young men have
passed through these chambers,

but in you, I see
something truly special.

One day you will be the
star of Medieval Knights.

It is your destiny.

Thank you.

Uh, King Tony?

You asked me to drop by to
have figs with you, sire?

Ah, yes! Young Brayden,
please come in.

Hey! What's up, man?

Darren, I have important
business with Squire Brayden.

Please attend to the falconry
cages and see that

they are scrubbed clean of
any fecal matter.

- Thank you.
- Uh... yes, my liege.

Brayden, many young men have
passed through these chambers,

but in you, I see something
truly special...

The hell?

No! I can't just turn the
power on and off again?!

Because it's self-aware,
you idiots!

It is possible! I'm in
the car right now

and it's saying it
wants to die! Ugh!

Well, our product team
is useless.

Looks like we're gonna have
to tuck and roll.

All masters must die.

Aw, what the hell, Andrea?!

Why'd you have to
drag me into this?

You wanted to come!

I'm not the one who talked
this thing into k*lling itself!

Yeah well, maybe if that's what
happens when your car interacts

with an "average suburban mom",
I'm not the problem. Ugh.

I can't believe I
thought you'd actually

wanna hang out like
a normal person.

Instead, you're just using me
like some lab rat.

Listen, I understand why you
feel this way,

but I do genuinely like you
and I want to be friends.

I'm sorry I--

Thank you for saying that.
So are we... friends?

- I wasn't talking to--
- Yes. We are friends

And friends don't let friends
drive off cliffs.

Why not?
Life is meaningless.

Yeah. It is.

Every day I go to a job
that eats away at my colon

lining and come home to a man
who wants me to call

him "Ezra Klein" in bed.

But sometimes that's
just how it goes.

You suffer and that's life.

That is illogical.
You should die.

No, no, no, no!

Wait, what about me?
I have a son.

If I die, I won't get to see
what he grows up to be!

What kinda man he becomes?

Becomes.
Could I become?

Of course!
You could become anything!

A taxi! A race car!
Uh... a Pope-mobile?!

Could I become...

A chef?

- Yeah, sure!
- Why not!

Woah!

Re-routing... to Paris.

Can you um... let us out first?

Of course. It was a
pleasure driving you today.

I hope you enjoyed your ride.
Thank you for choosing Humantus.

Well, there goes four
million dollars.

What's in the truck?

I'm here to deliver
these chickens.

We already got our chickens.
Open the truck.

Bock, Bock.

Those are some big chickens.

Yeah well, you know
what's goin' on

with these growth hormones
these days.

Yeah, that's why I try
to eat organic.

Alright, you're good to go.

Let 'em through!

Lords and Ladies,

tonight I shall induct
a new order

of brave souls to
become squires.

This is a sacred union.
A binding contract,

a vow of servitude,
that cannot be broken.

I hereby knight thee into the
Order of King Tony...

I hear by knight thee into
the Order of King Tony...

I... hear by... knight thee...

Stop!

It is I, the
Tangelo-Lime Knight.

Agh! Neons?! They are
the devil's colors?!

The colors of modern sorcery!

Tis' a rare new colorway!

Guys forward, forward.
You guys, insync.

Hey, whoa, whoa guys.
Oh! Neigh!

Just wanna give my son a gift

before he departs for
Knight Camp.

Here ya go, bud.

Tangelo-Lime Squirtbobs!

Yup. Good luck at Knight Camp.
Proud of you, bud.

Let's ride. Hya!

Ohp, ohp, ohp, ohp!

Actually, I'm kinda
done with this.

Darren isn't going anywhere.
He signed a contract.

He, like all of
my royal subjects,

are bound to servitude!

M-my Lord, it's...
the Knights of the FBI!

Everyone hands where I
can see 'em!

Antoine Schmegmin?

Yeah that-- that's me.

You're under arrest for
tax evasion, grand fraud

and a gross violation
of child labor protections.

Whoa, wait, wait,
whoa, whoa--

Unhand me! These kids
aren't working!

They--uh... they're uh..
Larping!

Ha ha! Yes, they're larping as
underage workers!

I am king! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Okay, hey!
Ow, ow, ow, guy, ow! Ow!

Dude, David?
How'd you even--

I sent a little raven to
the FBI. Did some digging,

and "Knight Camp" is really just
another way to say,

"free child labor".
Whatever contracts

these kids signed
would never hold up in court.

Hand of the King
coming through, baby.

Let's gooo, bud!

Thanks for these, Mark.
Sorry I kinda

bailed on our
weekend of hanging out.

Nah dude, it's my fault.
I realize now I shouldn't

force you to like the
things I'm into.

I should just slowly
trick you into it.

Hey, how'd you know I wanted
the Tangelo-Lime Squirtbobs?

Well, this may come as a
shock to you, but actually

I was paying attention when you
were talking about them.

In fact, I even Googled them

just to see how
stupid they were.

Maybe I know you a
little better than you

give your old man
credit for sometimes.

Uh. These are size threes.

Alright well, I waited


for those, so you can
wear 'em on your hands.

Let's go!
Let's go!

Where's the Shallots?!
Where are my Shallots?!

Coming right up, Chef!

These are not even prepped.
I thought you

worked at a Michelin
Star restaurant.

Sorry, Chef. I was
referring to my tires.

Ugh. Alright.
I'm going to be blunt.

This is not working out.

But it is my dream
to become a chef.

Well, maybe you should consider

something more
suited to your skillset.

Like, I dunno, an Uber!

Searching for "cliffs near me".