02x03 - Golden Beans

[bunniefuu]

Americano for Daved.

David, thanks.

Yoooo, Daved!

Oh, hey. Didn't peg you
as Books 'n' Beans guys.

Yeah nah,
I'm more of a Wowo's guy,

but come here for the
special dessert drinks.

I didn't know they did those.

Yeah, gotta order off menu.
They'll make anything, though.

Watch this.

Yo, let me get a
large ice mocha,

animal-style, with six pumps
of caramel and uh,

a scone blended into it.

Uh... sorry, I- I can't do that.

Wait, what are
you talking about?

You guys do that for me
all the time.

New ownership.
Different policies.

New ownership?
- Oh no...

Yeah. We were bought out
by Blue Star.

Ugh!
Yuck!

Ugh... What's Blue Star?

Some corporate chain
from Dallas.

They're a soulless inauthentic
corporate monstrosity.

♪ [dramatic] ♪

Dude...

No...

Yo, you frickin' kidding me?

Cowboys c*ck taking
over our local coffee shop?

Yo, this is Eagles country,
dude!

Uh, can I get the
keys to the bathroom?

- No, Hank.
- What? Why?

- Because Dallas sucks!
They're a giant corporation now!

Ugh. This place is ruined!

Let's get the hell out of here.

Dallas sucks.
Dallas sucks.

Corporate conglomerates suck!
They friggin' suck!

Shout out to
independent ownership!

Yo, get out of here, Daved!

Hi. Can I report a disturbance -

Wait, don't call,
we're leaving, sorry.

Buncha sellouts!

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no
job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

Yo, screw the Cowboys.
Bunch of entitled jerks.

So-called America's team, thinks
they can colonize South Jersey?

Not on my watch.

Books 'n' Beans was
the one place

that reminded me of Park
Slope, and now it's gone.

Dude, we should start our
own coffee shop

right here in the garage.

Hmm... that would feel
very underground chic.

Wow. This is actually
pretty good, Mark.

Where are these beans from?

Oh, there's some local beans.

Oh, look at you, Mark Hoagies,
with the locally sourced beans.

I got them at the Wowo's
on Route 70.

Ew! God. Yuck!

Dude, what's the big deal?
Wowo's got solid beans.

Mark, we're not running
an AA meeting, okay?

We can't serve gas
station coffee.

Wow. How dare you, David.

Wowo's is not a gas station.

It's a beloved
regional convenience

store chain that also sells gas.

Let me put this in
terms you'll understand:

Do you want to beat Dallas?

Uh, yes, obviously.

Then we need to
find an authentic

farm-to-cup bean source,

and there's no better place
than a farmers' market.

Yo, that dude over there
looks pretty legit.

Holy Hundred Years of
Solitude. Jackpot.

You want coffee?

The beans are from
my family farm in

Colombia. Special Golden Beans.
You only find them in

a very small region.

David, what are we doing here?
The guy clearly speaks English.

- I'm being respectful.
- Uh, not to me.

Haha. Best coffee you
will ever drink.

We'll see about that,
pal, okay.

You ever try Wowo's
Holiday Blend?

That sounds disgusting.

Holy moly!

Dude. This is unreal.

Oh my God. This is the
best coffee I've ever had!

We'll take it all.

Nice, David. This looks
pretty classy, dude.

It's like a Cheesecake
Factory in here.

Thanks.

If there's one thing I it's
pretentious coffee shops.

Hey Mark uh, these earrings
are kinda heavy.

Can I take them out or...
- Nah nah, Hank.

You're the cool,
hipster barista guy, okay.

It's an essential part
of the look.

Nice ink, man.

Oh thanks, yeah.
I drew them myself.

Uh... what's going on here?

It's a coffee shop.

We're taking a stand for
the culture of Glantontown.

You wanna get in on this?

Yeah, our staff could use
a little feminine energy.

Sorry, but the last thing
I wanna do after a long shift

is work another job.

I'm gonna open a bottle of wine
and watch reruns of Friends.

Yo, forget Friends, okay.

You got Central Perk right
here in a garage.

- Lexy. He said it.
- No, he did not. Stop.

He told me he loves me. Like,
full eye contact,

dramatic pause.
It was so real.

It felt fake.

He anchored it, Sophie.

He wanted you to feel it.

That is full-on emotional
primacy. I knew it.

I knew Jalen was too
mono-coded for our polycule.

Polycule?

Uh... Excuse me?

Oh, uh, I'm just... I work here.
Just... y'know,

doing barista things.
Don't mind me.

Yo David,
how awesome is this, dude?

We got the frickin'
cultural hub of

Glantontown right
here in my garage.

Yeah! Hey, who knew we could
make such a good team?

Yo that's right, dude.

Suck it, Blue Star.

Hey Mark, uh... We're down
to the last sack of beans.

Wait, already?

Damn, we're really moving
some product.

I'm gonna go make a beans run.

What do you mean the guy at the
farmers' market is out of beans!

Yeah, he lost contact with his
family farm in Colombia.

So why was he there,

was he just sitting in
an empty stall?

Uh nah, he was just-- he's
selling V-Bucks now, pivoted.

God! noooo.

We're ruined. It's over!

Big Coffee wins again.

Alright, yo.
why are you freaking out?

Because we lost our beans, man!

They were our lifeblood.

We'll never find another bean
that good again.

Yeah, we don't need to.

He gave me the address
of his family's farm.

We just pop over to Colombia,
find the place, and boom:

cut out the middle man.
- Are you insane?

We can't just "pop over"
to Colombia.

Okay, so what's your solution?
You just want to close-up shop,

give up, and hand
Dallas a giant frickin' W?

Mark, I don't spontaneously
go on trips.

I plan them years in advance,
meticulously pouring over

restaurant reviews,
finding authentic but

safe cultural
things to do.

Alright then.
Plan B.

Ugh. Alright. Fine.
Let's do it.

Hell yeah!
We're going to Colombia!.

Damn, David. You're like a
walking REI store.

I'm gonna take
that as a compliment.

Because I like to be prepared
for things and comfortable.

Oh yo, check it out dude.
We gotta rent mopeds.

No. We are not driving
in South America.

It's way too dangerous.

Uh-- that's half the
fun being in a

third world country.

Ah-- M-Mark! Shh,
that's disrespectful.

It's a developing country with
an emerging economy.

We're taking a taxi. Taxi!
- Ughhh. Boring.

Gracias. You from America?

See Mark? This guy is a local.

He knows how to safely
get us to... Uh...

wait, did you
give him a destination?

Uh... Was I supposed to, I--

- Uh...
- Oh, God!

Give me all your money!

Whoa whoa dude dude!
-Oh gosh!

That's why whenever I travel,
I always carry a decoy wallet!

Wait, you had a decoy wallet
with 300 dollars in it?

Well, it's gotta be convincing.

Alright, well
now we're doing it my way.

Ugh.

So I guess Jalen told that
girl Sophie he loves her,

which is a total no
-no in their polycule.

Poly-cool?

Well, they're all sort
of like dating each other

but at different
levels... or something.

God, I love having a
coffee shop.

This new generation
is fascinating.

It's like they have a million
rules, but also no rules at all.

You know what I mean?
- Uh, no.

Hey, how are you guys doin'?
- Oh, no.

Like your haircut. Got a real
uh, John Kruk vibe going on.

Oh hey, Mernft.

Yo, Boss. What's
going on here?

You lead in a communist
revolution or something?

Would you keep it down, Mernft.
This is a judgment free zone.

Just saying. Real
melting pot you got over here.

Uh, got all the
colors of the rainbow.

- I'm into it.
You gonna order a drink or what?

Yo, let me get uh, large coffee
half cream, on the house.

You want that coffee to-go.
- Nah, I'm good,

I'm actually gonna --
gonna mingle.

How's it going, ladies?

Ugh. He's gonna mess it all up.

Mark, what the hell?
Stop swerving.

Ten and two, or whatever the
moped equivalent is.

That's the whole point of a
moped to cut through traffic.

There's no traffic! We've seen
like four cars in the last hour.

David, look. Wild bananas!

It's very beautiful please pay
attention to the road.

David! You see that! Oh man,
it's a frickin' monkey eating a

banana in a banana tree,
yo. It does not get

more classic than
that. It does not.

Not get more classic...
- Mark, look out.

Oh, crap!
- Aaaaghh!

[crash!]

Classic.

So lemme ask you
something, uh,

you guys meet
on the Grindr app?

Oh, no. We met
through a mutual friend.

You guys like uh, you go a
top and a bottom or is that

or is that just for the men?
- Oh my God...

Um... it's complicated.

We gotta get him outta here.

Wait, but I thought you said it
was a judgement-free zone.

Well, it's a some
judgement zone.

He's being inappropriate and
creepin' people out.

Yeah, I just uh, wouldn't want
to hurt his feelings, though.

Hmm.

Oh, man.
That bus was crowded, dude.

Must be a popular hiking spot.

Yeah, I don't think
they're hiking for fun, Mark.

I think these are migrants
looking for a better life.

Alright, so where is this place?

We're just going...
straight that way.

I thought you said we're
going to Capurganá?

Yeah. And then we just go a
little bit into the jungle.

I'm sorry, what?! Mark,
that isn't just any jungle,

it's the Darién Gap.
It's one of the

most dangerous
places in the world!

Yo, would you relax
David, okay!

That little kid from the bus is
doing it with his whole family.

I'm pretty sure we'll be fine.

You're sure you know
where you're going?

Yes David, okay. The guy gave
me very specific instructions.

We just head south on
the main trail,

cross the first river,

then follow the path
on the left,

and then past the
large boulder,

and then follow the trail that
descends into the valley

until we see a
small wooden sign

that says "Finca El
Grano Dorado."

Boom.
- Ugh.

I can't believe you talked
me into this.

It all sounded so
easy when you said it.

I got swept up.
- David if these beans were

easy to access then they
wouldn't be special.

Ugh fine, but you better
snap some really rugged

candids of me.

Yo... What's this?

Uh... congrats on being the
first member of

our friends and family
program. As a reward

you will receive
free coffee deliveries.

Alright. Thanks, bud.

Uh... where you're going?

Oh, I thought I'd uh go
drink it at your place.

Oh uh... okay.

I mean,
I shouldn't be surprised.

He's always had main
character energy.

Right?!

And now he's literally soft
-launching a new hierarchy,

but that's not even
the worst part.

Get this-

I checked his location
last night.

Oooh, baby.

Wasn't he at Willow with Max?

- No.
- Stop.

Hey, let me ask you something...

Oh, come on...

So what's with all these
pronouns these days?

Is that like a uh,
gender-fluid thing?

Uh... I dunno.

It's really just
about making sure

everyone feels seen
and respected?

What the hell, Hank?

I mean, I said the stuff.

So like, let's say you got
Siamese Twin.

Okay is that a he,
or is that a they?

We're gonna need to
take drastic measures.

How the hell did you get
that through airport security?

I didn't. I bought it from
a guy on the bus.

You bought it? I thought
you lost all your money.

Yeah, I mean, I traded for it.

Oh! What did you trade?

I dunno. One of your medicines,
uhh... Levi-thy-roxine...

What?! That's my thyroid
medicine. I need that!

Dude, c'mon, you had
five of them!

Okay, c'mon, look
at this knife, dude.

I'm like frickin' Rambo
with this thing.

Oh my God.
This is ridiculous.

We should turn back.

Nope. We can't do it.
Not enough daylight.

Gonna have to camp here
and regroup in the morning.

Ugh. Fine. Did you bring
a sleeping bag?

Night, Daved.

Night.

Yo, this is fun.

No, it's not.

Ah... ah...

Gah! Ah! What the...

Ahh frogged ya, dude!
You got frogged!

Are you insane? These are
poison dart frogs.

Ah, ah. You know well,
that explains why

I'm seeing double
when I can't feel my hands,

and why my tongue is
swelling up now.

Oh my God.
Aw! My face. It's burning!

I'm gonna k*ll you,
you stupid idiot!

Wait! What was that?

Oh my God. it's Border Patrol.
Help!

Oh, thank God.

Well, there goes my
second decoy wallet.

Wait, that one had $500!

Yeah, it's called
being prepared,

something you know
nothing about.

Oh spare me David, okay.
This is your fault.

- You really boned us here.
- My fault?

Yeah, David. You're the one
who asked for help from

a frickin' group of
guerrilla cartel bandits

or whatever the hell
these guys are?

You're the one who took
us into the world's

most dangerous jungle with a
cartoon treasure map.

Uh, excuse me,
I was fine with wowo's.

I didn't need the fancy beans.

Yeah, 'cause you people
have no taste.

Uh, what do you mean
by you people?

South Jersey people. You're a
bunch of uncultured troglodytes.

H- how are you so
close to New York?

Wow. Wow. You know
what you're right.

I guess I am pretty dumb.
Because I thought that

I could be friends with
a stinkin' Giants fan.

I'm not a Giants fan!
I'm not even a football fan!

'Cause football is dumb.

You. Come with me.
Alright, welp

guess I'm getting
sex trafficked.

Yeah, that's definitely why
they kidnapped us. You moron.

I'll pull the trigger and drop
this guy right now.

No no no, dont-- you
don't wanna do that!

- Oh, God...
- You don't wanna do that.

- Mark...

Just go with Smith because he's
gonna get more receptions

so you can just put him at flex.
-Wait...

I mean, it's a PPR League,
right? You said it's PPR.

- Hm. Sí.
Then you wanna go Smith.

Uh... what is happening here?

Oh, I'm just helping him with
there fantasy football draft.

Gotta hand to Goodell, man,

I was not sure about doin' the
NFL down in South America,

but the game clearly's
gone global. I mean,

all these guys are watching.
This guy's a Jets fan over here.

Can't even say like a
word of English, but

uh, he kept pointing
to the airplane.

Gracias.

Is this...?

Golden Beans, baby.

Ohhh, how I missed you.

Wait... is this like a
last meal type thing?

Nah nah nah, we're cool.

They're actually gonna
take us to the coffee farm.

Oh. Wow.

Uh... what?

Alright.
That should keep him out.

Uh, I don't know, I kinda
feel bad about this, Tam.

Look, I don't want to
do this either,

but Hank, we
gotta make sure this

is a safe space
for our customers.

So I talked to Max.
-And?

- He basically confirmed it.
- Shut up.

- Shh, shh, he's here.
Hey, Jay!

Oooh, baby. That's him.
That's Jalen, Hank.

Uh, who?

Hey, Lex.
Hey, Soph.

Uh, we need to talk?

Yes. Yes.

Oh boy, Tam. Here he comes.

So, I- I know we're tryna be
radically honest with

each other,
but I kind of haven't been...

Oh, this is a b*mb.
This is a b*mb!

Yo Tam. Uh, the door's
a little tight.

Oh my God!
Oh, no!

Sorry!

That was so intense.

- Hey, you alright, man?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

Listen Mernft,
you can't be here.

What'd you mean?

I just don't think this
is your crowd.

You're making people
feel uncomfortable.

Oh...

Alright. Yeah...

Message received.

I gotcha.

Oh.

That is so messed up.

Yeah, this place is
high-key ableist.

Their coffee's not even
good anymore.

Do you guys wanna go to
like, Books 'n' Beans?

- Yass!
- Yeah, let's get outta here.

Wait! No! Jalen,
c'mon. What was your secret?

I need to know. Nooo!
Come back!

Agh. Listen, Mark. I'm sorry
I said all that

stuff about South Jersey.

Honestly, it's not like I had
any real friends in Brooklyn.

Oh wow, so you're
saying we're real friends?

Yeah. I guess I am.

What I tell ya?
Nothing bonds bros

more to a little
jungle adventure action.

[branch snaps]

Uh...

Aaaaah!
- What the hell?

sh**t!
-Ugh!

Damn, dude. I think we
got a Predator situation.

Run! Run!

Huh, David, can you
believe that?

- The guy's name is Corey.
- No, Mark! It means run!

♪ [dramatic]

Oh God. This bridge looks
uh... not to code.

C'mon, David. That's just
your anxiety talking, dude.

It's totally fine.
Ready? Look.

See, this is like a
classic construction with the

ropes and the little
pieces of wood.

This is actually the
sturdiest bridge,

but they don't build 'em
like this anymore

because they're tryna
save money.

Stop doing that!

God, I know what's
gonna happen.

I'm gonna take one step
and then the entire bridge

is just gonna collapse.
- Alright well,

have fun getting blasted by
that Predator alien thing.

[creaking]

[monkey screams]
Aaaaaaagh!

Hey yo, Jinglebells!
You okay down there?

Uh, I think so.

Agh. There-- oop-- watch it--
yeah-- ohp-- ow.

Hey David, check it out.
Yeah, I guess we uh,

guess we got turned
around at some point.

Mark!

♪ [dramatic]

He couldn't see me.

Where are you headed...

♪ [action]

Holy crap.

Sorry, buddy.

Frogged ya!

What the hell?

Aaahhhhhh!

What?

I'm sorry again about
this mix-up.

We're still cleaning this
place up.

You know there's a lot
of guerrillas, gangs, whatnot.

Hey, those guys were cool dudes.
- Mark?

Yeah well, the locals aren't too
thrilled about the acquisition,

so they can get a little frisky.

Whoa there, Jinglebells. Wasn't
expecting to see you here.

Uh, what's going on?

Sup, bro.
Bioluminescent Kombucha?

Oh, what happened to
my exo-suit?

Exo-suit?

Yeah, dude.
Predacore Exo Suit prototype.

It is the optimal
tech-ware for those

who want to dominate
the jungle.

Oh, okay. I don't care.
Who are you?

Vijay!

Yeah, he's actually the SVP
of Product at Blue Star.

Wait... What?

We operate all the coffee farms
in this region now.

You tried these Golden Beans?
Dude they're sick, bro!

Yeah, it looks like
we gotta take

the L on this one,
pal, but it's alright, dude.

We'll beat the Cowboys
on the field, you know?

No.
No!

Nooooo!

What the?
Oh!

Dude, get off me!
I thought we were vibing!

No, we aren't vibing!
You know who I vibe with?

The local-- independent--
artisanal-- coffee shops--

that scumbags like you
are screwing over!

Damn, David.
The hell's gotten into you?

South Jersey, b*tch.

So you better un-franchise my
favorite coffee shop,

or I'm gonna turn your head
into salted caramel cold foam.

Dude, bro, listen!
I would if I could.

But I don't work
in Franchise Dev!

Ugh. Fine. Then you're gonna
take down all that Cowboy's crap

and put up a bunch
of... Eagles crap.

Alright, alright, I'll talk to
my guy in Brand Experience.

Ooh, damn Jinglebells.
That was savage, dude.

You're over here beating
dudes' asses.

I figured you'd be halfway back
to the airport by now.

No way.

I'm not leaving the jungle
without my best friend.

Uh, yeah. Well, we're
not best friends... but yeah.

Ooh, this looks cute.

Oh man, look at all
those Eagles drinks.

Nah. It's all about the
Golden Beans, baby.

Yo, Daved, uh, you want a large,
uh, Golden Brew?

No thanks, I'm good.
I prefer local beans.

Huh?

Yo.

Hey, Mernft. Listen, I'm
really sorry about everything.

Ah, it's all good, Tam.
It's water under the bridge.

I want you to know that you're
always welcome at our house.

That include a 24-hour use
of the hot tub?

- Okay, don't push it.
- My guy?! What's up!

Yo. Jay Money. You good?

Yeah, man.
I just wanna say thank you.

Our talk yesterday meant a
lot to me.

All good, bud.
Whenever you need to talk,

you know where to find me.

For sure. Can I grab
you a drink?

Ah, I appreciate it, yeah.
Lemme get a Jordan Mai-latte,

no milk.
- You got it.

Wait... are you guys
like... friends?

Yeah, I mean, hey, let's just
say I got that

safe space energy.

Oh my God okay, so...
what was his big secret?

Yeah sorry, Tam, but uh,
violating the relational

confidentiality goes against
the trust structure

of the 'cule.

Ah!