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01x05 - Transport

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Don't Hug Me I'm Scared". Aired: 30 September – 14 October 2022.*
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Its six episodes are themed around surrealism and dark humour, and revolve around three characters: Red Guy, Yellow Guy and Duck.

01x05 - Transport

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ There's three of us,

there's three of us

♪ Look closely, you will see

♪ There's three of us,

just three of us

♪ There's him and you and me

♪ And every day we all hang out

to find out what we talk about

♪ I'm the one who had a dream

where there was stuff

♪ Like there was another me

and everything was lots of fun

♪ And I went and saw the other ones

♪ And there was a little lumpy one

and another whiny middle one

♪ And there were things that they

had around that I knew

♪ What they were but I don't know

now and then it went away

♪ That's three of us,

just three of us, us three. ♪

Hmm. Oh, one dead fly.

One bowl.

One tea towel.

One fridge.

One fridge magnet.

What are you doing?

Making sure everything's here.

I'm doing my visual inventory.

Yeah, on a clipboard.

Oh, another dead fly.

Wow. How exciting.

It doesn't get much better

than this.

Yeah, this is probably definitely

the best day of my life.

Oh, God.

One tile. Guys.

One tile. Hold on.

Can you just One tile.

Look, the floor

should just be one thing.

Just put it down as one floor.

I have my own system.

Don't get involved.

Hey, could I please have a touch

of the clipboard?

No. And I say put the clipboard

in the bin

because I hate the clipboard. Argh!

Argh!

Oh. What did you say?

I said I hate the clipboard

and I hate this place.

Argh! Argh! Please don't have

said that.

You don't mean that.

He doesn't mean that.

But this is ourwhere we are.

Yeah, well, I'd like to go

somewhere else. Huh?

What? Hello. Where do you want

to go?

No, I want to go somewhere

different.

I want to get out of this place.

That's not allowed.

I mean, all we do is sit

around and then some guy comes

and tells us about banks

or vegetables or something.

What on earth are you talking about?

I mean, don't you want to see

something else, something different?

Huh? Um

Choo-choo. Coming through.

Oh, right. This kind of thing.

Oh, yeah. One of these guys.

What? Is this a toy person?

Ow. Go around.

Just really. Did somebody

say transport?

TRAIN WHEEZES

Erm, I don't think so.

He said he hates this place.

And he hates the clipboard

and he hates me.

No, I was just saying. What's this

now? I was just saying

maybe we could do with a change

of scenery.

You have to speak up a bit.

Here, you have to speak into

my good ear.

Well, which one's your good ear?

I don't see any ears on you. Huh?

Which one is your good ear?

I don't know about that,

I'm a train.

Ow, what's wrong with you?

Now, how about we take a trip?

Yeah. Yeah. OK, great.

Where are we going?

I just need to have

a quick drink first.

Oh, what's that?

That's the stuff.

Smells like poison.

It's my very special,

very warm drink.

You're leaking quite a lot

onto the floor.

No, no, I'm not. It doesn't matter.

Oh, can I have some? It helps

in my condition.

Your condition? I just get

a bit dizzy, is all.

So you'd like three tickets.

There you go. Oh. Eurgh.

Wait, does this mean

we can actually go somewhere?

Tickets, please. Thank you.

Thank you. What's this stuff on it?

You did that. No, I didn't.

All aboard.

♪ You could take a few steps

with your legs,

♪ But you won't get very far

♪ You'd be better with a bicycle

or running a car ♪

Wow. How did we get here?

Hey. Good question.

♪ So, once upon a time,

they found a wheel

♪ They put it all together

as a vehicle

♪ And there was a horse with a man

on the top

♪ And then there was a wagon

with the wicker wheels ♪

Look, wicker. Wow, wicker.

Where does this go?

♪ We're all having such fun

with transport. ♪

Oh. Is that supposed to

It doesn't matter.

♪ The bus came next

and it's big and long

♪ And there's too many people

so you can't get on

♪ A plane is a bus when it lives

in the sky

♪ And you wave to the people as

they're passing under by. ♪

Where are they going?

Speak into my good ear.

Where are they going?

♪ Boats are the ones that go

on the sea

♪ And under that is the submarine. ♪

Urgh, mouth wet. What's that one?

Huh? That's nothing.

Just a rock. You don't want it?

I can have it.

What are you going to do with

a rock? That's my business.

Private business.

♪ And there's blimps

and electric tanks and

♪ Scooters, gliders

and airport buses. ♪

Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah, maybe we could have

a sit down.

No, don't sit down.

Maybe if you stop morphing.

Yeah. Stop morphing.

Morphing. Morphing.

You're morphing. Just keep going.

He's fine.

Kicking ittaketake it.

Well, he's dead.

What? No. No, he's not. He's fine.

Come on, Mr Transport.

Come on. That's that one.

Didn't understand any of it,

but still, it was a laugh.

Yeah. What an adventure.

Yeah, we really did have the laugh

of our lives, but still nice

to be back at home.

Well, no. What are you talking

about? We didn't even go anywhere.

Let's get out of this disgusting

corpse, shall we?

I need to finish

my visual inventory.

OK. Hold on, hold on.

I'd quite like to give it a go.

Huh? Yeah.

We should do some transport

of our own.

Why? Because it will be fun.

You know, maybe we'll see

something else.

Another rock?

Yeah, maybe.

Or maybe something

..better. No, no.

Come on. No, no, no.

We don't have the transport man.

It's just us three.

We can't just do stuff

us three, can we?

Why not? I mean, how hard can it be?

Here we go. Look.

See. Lesson number 40, reverse

parallel parking on an incline.

Firstly, you'll need to

How about this one?

Lesson number 92,

dominating the road.

Handbrake turns around

tight corners at high speed

are a great way to impress

new colleagues and intimidate

Where's lesson one?

Oh, well. Yeah, you gave it

your best shot.

What about this one?

Lesson number one.

Yes. Here we go.

First things first. OK. And this is

very important.

Yeah. Before you even set foot in

a vehicle, you'll need to pick out

a name for your personalised

licence plate.

Anything at all except DJ BINBAGS

with the I as a 1,

the G as a 6 and the S as a Z cos

that's what I'm thinking of getting.

I just want to make it go.

Oh, it's useless.

I told you you shouldn't try and do

something without a little thing

telling you how to do it.

Come on. Green is for go.

Hey, look, I can see.

What's happening?

The sky is rewinding.

Why is it so hard to look at?

Stop it. Be still.

No, no. It's supposed to do that.

It means we're going somewhere.

I think I prefer the kind

of transport where you're indoors.

And in our house and not moving.

Well, don't say that.

Just wait till we get there.

Get where? Yeah. Where are we going?

I don't know, anywhere.

There's plenty of places we can go.

Just look at all these roads in this

confusing diag Oh, hey there.

You look a little lost.

Perhaps I can help.

Great. Let's get you home, shall we?

In 300 metres, make a U-turn.

We're actually looking to go

somewhere new.

Somewhere new? Cool.

Where are you thinking?

Just type in your destination.

I don't know. What about

justjust down here?

Oh, I'm sorry. That place doesn't

exist any more.

What? What happened to it?

Just shrivelled up, I reckon.

Well, where can we go?

Can't you suggest somewhere?

You can go home. No, somewhere else.

Somewhere How about

Shelford Parkway?

It has a fungus museum

and a new prison.

Wow. No. What about Ching Helmsford?

Just 30 miles west and famous

for its dead horse.

We've already seen a dead horse.

OK, back home it is.

In three seconds, make a sharp

U-turn.

We're not going home.

We're going somewhere else.

You're making a mistake.

What about ChChCh

You should just go home.

Dead horse.

Erm, are you meant to do that?

It's fine. We don't need her.

We'll find our own way.

I'm not sure about this.

We don't usually find our own way

anywhere.

Exactly. This is great.

We're going somewhere

new for a change.

Just look around you.

Isn't it exciting?

I mean, just look at me.

Look how excited I'm getting.

All right.

Well, it's better than whatever

we'd be doing at home, isn't it?

Yeah. I suppose.

♪ Time child

♪ I'm the time child

♪ Hey, guys, drink this

space alcohol and come with me

♪ To the sixth dimension. ♪

They're not here.

Oh, what?

♪ We're going fast

♪ We're going forward in the car

that's moving along

♪ We're on our way to a brand-new

place and we like having fun

♪ We can play with the circle

or play with the stick

♪ Or play with the shapes

in the car but they'll burn me

♪ I've put up some posters

to customise my area

♪ It looks pretty good to me

♪ Yeah, it's a long drive

♪ But we don't mind because

we could get to know each other

♪ Such comfortable seats,

I might have a sleep

♪ And I found this guy

in the road. ♪

What? Get him out. Get him out!

Oh.

♪ We're going fast

♪ We're going forward

with such good company

♪ And we're on our way

to a new place

♪ Just you and you and me. ♪

I'm bored. Why? How are you bored?

Yeah? We're just sitting here.

It's like being back at home.

No. Louder and smaller. And quicker.

What about your visual inventory?

You've got your travel clipboard

with you, haven't you?

Just look out the window. Why?

There's not much to look at.

It's just tree, cloud, tree,

cloud, rock, oh, rock.

There you go.

I don't like my window.

When I look out through it,

it looks back in through me.

Maybe I should have a turn

being in charge

of the transport machine.

No, no, no. You stay back there

in your area.

Here, have some entertainment.

Ooh, a curtain.

No, look.

Oh?

Wow, there's a lot of them.

There's so many.

Hey, hey. Can you jab less hard?

No, you have to jab it hard

or it won't respect your choices.

Ow, ow! Which one are you going

to look at?

Too early to say.

I'm still on the As.

Hey, why are you scrolling down?

You need to scroll sideways.

You need to scroll sideways so you

can explore the subthemes too.

Don't tell me how to scroll.

I shall scroll how I wish.

Look, they've got Grolton and Hovris.

♪ It's Grolton and Hovris,

it's Grolton and Hovris. ♪

It's dead nice to finally

be outside, Hovris.

But my goodness, it's so hot.

It's making me too hot.

It's lucky I packed some water.

Oh! No, Hovris, I think this is

my water.

You should have bought

your own water.

You're not having any of my water,

Hovris.

HOVRIS GRUNTS

Cheeky boy.

Now, we'd better get going if we're

going to make my appointment.

I've got to get my checkup

about my gum disease.

HOVRIS BARKS

No, that is my bottled

water, Hovris.

Oh, Grolton.

Hey. Hey.

I'm trying to watch.

Grolton is the dog?

No, Grolton is the man,

and Hovris is the dog.

Now stop talking.

Watch your own screen.

Oh.

Huh?

Raisins.

Oh. Hey, don't worry.

When we get to our new place,

we'll have our own headphones

and as many raisins as we want.

Will we? Yeah.

And we'll each have our own house

with our own stuff that doesn't

come

Are we not going to live together?

We won't need to.

We'll be part of something

called a community.

Look.

It's going to be a whole

new life for us.

No more sitting around

just counting the floor.

We're going to live outside.

No, those people don't live outside.

They'll be our neighbours. Huh?

Yeah, as far as I know, neighbours

are these other ones who also

have a house near your house.

Oh. And they bring you food

when you run out.

And sometimes you go from your house

to their house and tell them

what you like about them.

Oh, morning here

in Mulhoven New Town.

Just ask anyone lucky enough to live

here and they'll tell you there's no

better place to wake up.

From the bustling marketplace

to the peaceful overpass,

there is something here

for everyone.

Look, there's Mrs Greenwaldenfitsum

opening shop.

Heheh, what a lot of hoovers.

There goes Officer Sinclair -

on his way to the station, no doubt.

No crimes to report today, Officer?

Good.

Hello.

New in town, are you?

Well, let's get you settled.

Oh, here we are, a brand-new home

of your own.

Ooh, fancy.

Even thrown in a house pet.

And here comes one

of your neighbours now.

I see you're already

well acquainted.

And look, next door are

your other neighbours.

And you'll get to know them all

in good time, won't you?

Oh, how nice.

They'd like to welcome you

with a gift.

What could it be?

Oh, it's a rat.

Or some kind of worthless animal.

Oh, careful.

What's happening?

Nothing. It's fine.

Justjust need some of its food,

I think.

Something died on my window.

Well, don't touch it.

But it was a gift.

What? Look, why don't you just

have another nap?

OK, we'll be there soon.

Hey, what's going on?

Nothing. My screen.

Yeah, it's meant to do that.

Now what? Sit tight.

I'll never know if Grolton made

his appointment.

Obviously, he will. He always does.

What do you mean?

Grolton always makes his appointment

and no matter what happens,

they start the next episode

back at home.

Well, don't spoil it.

I'm not spoiling it.

Hey, what's going on?

What? What the hell are you doing?

Look, it's that pathetic

vehicle person from before.

Where are we?

Hiya, yeah, we're just

We're just doing some transport

like you showed us, remember?

Actually, do you think you could

make that noise stop?

And turn my screen back on.

And get us to our neighbours.

I'm not supposed to be out this far.

I get dizzy if I'm out this far.

Where's my special drink?

Erm, I think someone might have

drunk it all.

I need the Let's just turn back.

No, look, we'll make you some more.

How hard can it be? What's in it?

It was forged far beneath the earth

with the last remnants

of the ancient monster.

What did you say?

Raisins. OK, raisins.

Here, have some raisins.

Yum. Let's have the song again.

Raisins are Have some of

my raisins too.

Oh, great. See? There we go.

All better now. Come on, guys.

♪ We're in a car driving

so fast ♪

It's definitely not working.

I changed my mind,

I want to go home.

No! I want to watch the end of

Grolton and Hovris. No!

We're so close. To what?

We can't go back.

I'm not going back to that house.

There has to be something. Anything.

Guys. What?

There's somethingout there.

Is this where we live now?

Where are the neighbours

in the community?

Yeah. They'll be here. Don't worry.

Somebody willsomebody will

turn up.

One rock.

One stick.

One skull.

One bit of filth.

One unknown, terrifying object.

One bag of meat.

One fire.

Journeys made and lessons learnt,

you may feel like

you are alone, but no matter

how much the wheels turn

Huh?

..the journey always ends up

back at home.

♪ Moo, moo, moo says a cow

♪ Choo-choo-choo says a train

♪ Goo-goo-goo says a baby

♪ Choo-choo-choo says a train

♪ Choo-choo-choo says a train

♪ Choo, moo, moo says a cow ♪