01x05 - Bawdy Horror

[bunniefuu]

(mysterious music)

All right, text me
when you get there.

Nat, it's just Ventura.

We'll be back tomorrow.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Yeah, right.

You probably are.

(laughing)

(mysterious music)

(upbeat rock music)

(knocking on door)

Come in.

Oh, hey, Quinn.

Hey, sorry, is Nat here?

I have a book that
she asked to borrow,

about demonic herbs.

She actually just stepped out.

She went to go restock
her, um, eye of newt.

Or whatever.

Thanks.

So where's your partner?

Daniel? He and Harold
went on an overnight trip.

Harold the goth guy?

Just professionally.

And they're together?

No.

Well maybe.

Exes.

Oof, exes, man.

They really get in your head.

(light music)

What about you? You got
any mind-bending exes?

Who me?

This life really
doesn't lead to meeting

a lot of eligible
bachelorettes, so.

Well, except, Nat. And
she's not really into my gender.

What? Yeah, she is.

No, she, I thought...

She's bisexual.

Men, women, gender
fluid, nonbinary.

She's pretty much
equal opportunity.

Huh.

Huh.

Yeah.

Well, bye.

Bye.

(light music)

Oh, wow.

This place looks awesome.

I'm gonna take the
bag in the bedroom.

(soft music)

Is this smart?

What we're doing.

You tell me.

I wanna give this a shot.

I do.

But, after last time.

Ugh, it's a little early
to get so deep in, isn't it?

We haven't even had a drink yet.

You're right. Let's
get settled in.

If by settled in you mean
take our pants off, I agree.

(soft romantic music)

I've missed you.

A lot.

You have? Really?

Well you would know if I
was lying, wouldn't you?

Betrayals happened
on both sides.

I don't know how
many more ways I can

apologize for what I did.

Look, I don't wanna
relitigate the past.

We are who we are.

I can't help reading
someone's mind

when I know they're
keeping something from me.

And, you've never met a d*ck

you didn't wanna
put in your mouth.

(laughing)

(soft music)

You know how awful I felt.

I felt awful too.

But I can never
know that for sure.

Because I can't read your mind.

That's the advantage
you'll always have.

It's true.

So I guess the
million-dollar question is,

Can we forgive each other?

(soft music)

(dramatic music)

Huh, what is it?

(soft music)

I k*lled you.

What?

Don't touch him!

What the f*ck is
happening right now?

Okay, please say something,
because you are freaking me out.

I just saw the siren, the
one I k*lled weeks ago.

From the nest.

Okay, okay.

So we might have a
ghost of a demon.

That sounds fun.
What are you sensing?

Daniel!

Nothing, nothing
I've felt before.

Okay, stay put. I'm
gonna get the keys.

We're getting out of here.

(upbeat dramatic music)

Daniel?

Daniel!

sh*t!

What's in here with me?

(soft mysterious music)

(shrieking)

(dramatic music)

(groaning)

(soft mysterious music)

(upbeat dramatic music)

You're good.

How are you still alive?

Who said I was alive?

(shrieking)

(soft mysterious music)

[Harold] Alejandro,
what are you doing here?

(dramatic music)

We had fun last night, right?

Let's get wild again.

Ah!

(dramatic music)

Oh, big bad demon
hunter, so cold.

I can't feel
your presence.

What are you?

Why does everything
have to be about labels?

What do you want?

(soft dramatic music)

To get my d*ck sucked.

Come on, you've
already done it once.

What's one more time?

I promise it won't turn
all blue and mossy.

You never met a d*ck
you didn't wanna put

in your mouth, right?

(dramatic crescendo)

(soft dramatic music)

♪ It's all I can do
to keep my head on ♪

♪ Can't think of
anything but you ♪

(shrieking)

f*ck.

We already did that
once, remember?

The thing is, when we
all got down and dirty,

I wasn't getting boyfriend
vibes from you two.

In fact, Daniel seemed
way more into me than you.

(soft music)

I can't feel your brain?

So?

So, that's weird.

Do you know what I think?

What?

I think you're a
psychic projection,

and whoever's projecting
you must be nearby.

Do you know one of the things

you can do when
you're a telepath?

You can trigger the pain
sensation in another brain.

Human or otherwise.

And I'm good. I can
make it hurt real bad.

(mysterious music)

Hey, hey, hey.

There's a lot of them about!

It's okay, it's
okay, you're okay.

You're fine, you're fine.

It was a psychic
projection. It wasn't real.

(soft music)

(man whistling)

(soft mysterious music)

(man whistling)

Oh, my bad.

I didn't realize the
house was occupado.

Usually, the owners
aren't here, so I just--

Who are you?

Well that's a little
rude, don't you think?

In polite circles, people
introduce themselves

before they interrogate
someone else as to their
identity.

Honestly, whatever
happened to manners?

Ooh.

It's been a while
since a telepath

went diddling around
up in my brain.

I kinda like
the sensation.

What are you getting?

A boatload of confidence,

and a lotta mental
images of spiderwebs.

But he's purposely not
thinking of who he is.

He knows I'm scanning
his thoughts.

Beautiful performance, boys.

Here I thought I
caught you in my web,

but you just can't
be fooled, can you?

No matter how much I spun.

Oh, we get it, you're Anansi.

Wait, who's a n*zi?

Really?

Trickster god,
storyteller, often a spider.

Well, nothing gets
by you, does it?

Why?

A true storyteller,

knows when not to give up
certain key details, doll.

Keeps up the suspense.

And you can keep on
trying to read my thoughts

all you want to, little manling.

I have outstanding
mental discipline.

Oh come on, you could
at least give us a hint.

You're my first god encounter.

It's exciting.

Oh, how he flatters.

Uh.

Pretty men have always
been my weakness.

But I know a ruse
when I see one.

Until next time.

(whooshing)

Let's go home.

(upbeat light music)

What happened to you guys?

Basilisk.

That's a giant snake, right.

Yep.

How about you guys?

Spider god.

Hm.

There's more beer in the fridge.

Nice.

So how big was the basilisk?

Huge.

Don't exaggerate. It was a baby.

It was still as big as a cargo.

Yikes.

How'd you k*ll it?

Nat, it was all Nat.

Mm, he's being modest.

I just cast a spell
to slow it down.

He did most of the
actual chopping.

It was pretty bad-a*s.

So, spider god?

I know, right?

He was shaped like
a man, though.

(light music)

(doorbell ringing)

- Hi.
- Hi.

Are you guys the demon hunters?

Thank God.

I'm so grateful you were able
to come on such short notice.

You said the poltergeist
was in the bedroom?

That's right.

Oh, um.

Okay.

(light music)

- The bedroom that way?
- Yeah.

Oops, I just can't
keep this thing on.

Yeah, happens a lot.

(mysterious music)

(speaking
foreign language)

What did you do?

We made you corporeal,

so you have an actual
a*s we can kick.

Wanna do us a solid
and follow us outside?

Come on. You know you want to.

(suspenseful music)

Oh f*ck.

(upbeat dramatic music)

I hear you're the man
with all the knowledge.

(upbeat dramatic music)

(grunting)

(soft mysterious music)

(upbeat music)

Where shall we three meet again?

In thunder, lightning and rain.

When the hurly-burly's done,
and the battle lost and won.

[Anansi] Sticking with
the classics, I see.

Behold. Along comes a spider.

Hey, girls, been a while.

You look well, old friend.

Watch who you're
calling old, darling.

What brings you to our door?

Anansi?

When I heard word
of the great sisters

nesting in a lay these days,

I figured I had to
pay you a visit.

You look
different, though.

I know people in LA like
to get a little work done,

but you really took that
to heart, didn't you?

What?

Shapes are so easily changed.

(laughing)

As you yourself should know.

Well, regardless,
we've got a new enemy.

Or, rather, enemies,
and they've proven to be

quite the pain in my
very Instagrammable a*s.

An enemy, you say?

It's been a millennium
or two since we've had

an enemy worthy of our talent.

And we find the prospect...

Exciting.

Fantastic.

So,

let's talk demon hunters.

(soft mysterious music)