02x12 - How Not to Survive a Bear Encounter

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, someone
pranked into playing

"Make Some Noise," it's Kimia Behpoornia.

Just go in here? Okay.

What?

Come on!

Ring footage of a package
thief, it's Jacob Wysocki.

And looking for the package
that was just delivered,

it's Lou Wilson.

They're all here to...

Make! Some! Noise!

Welcome to "Make Some Noise,"

the game so good we spun it off unchanged.

I am your host, Sam Reich.
Here's how the show works.

I have here a series of
improvisational prompts

our players have never seen before.

Isn't that right, players?

- Make! Some! Noise!
- That's the truth Sam.

Wrong cue, Kimia.

- Eat! Some! Shrimp!
- Wait a minute.

k*ll! Some! Snails!

They will, to the best of their ability,

fulfill those prompts,

I will award them corresponding points,

and the winner will take
home the coveted Golden Ear,

which you can get pierced for free

at any participating Claire's.

Players, are you ready to rumble?

- Yeah.
- Full send.

Firstly, a little
warm-up round, if you will.

Something to whet the pallette.

- Mhmmm.
- Easy ones.

- Okay.
- Wait, they get hard?

- Kimia.
- Yeah?

Shoveling snow in a snowglobe.

Whatever, it's fine.

There was some real
worldbuilding in that, Kimia.

I got lost in that, man.

You can't breathe outside the snowglobe.

- No.
- That's canon now.

- That's canon now.
- That's canon.

Grandma's trinket amount
of points for you.

Jake, cranking it up just a little.

Not too hard.

Going too hard with a massage g*n.

Help me!

I like how it had a mind
of its own at the end there.

Yeah, let's say a setting number three

amount of points for you, Jake.

Lou!
- Yeah!

You only get one first one.

It's like losing your virginity.

Is it going to be that bad?

Five sneezes, each a little
worse than the one before.

Oh god, no.

No, please!

- Bless you.
- Thank you.

Wow, Lou, yeah,

it was a full body
experience by the end there.

Yeah.

A whiplash amount of points for you.

Hope you don't feel that
in the morning. Kimia.

Wanda, the daughter Dave Thomas

didn't name a restaurant after.

Dad?

Let's have a talk.

I was thinking we could open
a new place called Wanda's.

Get this. Triangle burgers.

You know, you've got the
place with the squares.

She stinks, right? You know, right?

Lived in her shadow all
my life and I just thought

maybe today you could think
of throwing me a bone,

so I came up with this plan.

Triangle burgers.

I just made one slide. Are you sold?

Oh, I feel badly for her.

Yeah. She's cute, though.

Yeah, we'll say a $7.99 value meal

amount of points for you.

Jacob, a wedding's worst man speech.

Excuse me!

You didn't think I'd show up!

Well, I've been drinking 99 Bananas

in my rental car

for two hours working up the courage.

Matt, you didn't invite me,

even though we were playground buddies,

middle school friends,

high school friends, and college enemies.

Matthew!

A thousand years of beautiful marriage!

Patricia, you f*cking know why I'm here.

Tell him about the voicemail
you left me a week ago.

You want to tell Matt about the voicemail?

I love you! I don't love him!

Goodnight, and have fun!

Wow, he blew it up.
Jesus Christ, Jake, yeah.

One year of marriage and
immediate divorce for you.

Lou.
- Hm?

I like it. I feel like it's coy.

- Earn it.
- Yeah!

You want me to make some noise? Earn it!

The moment right before buying a fedora.

Yeah, Mom, I got the promotion.

Yeah, no, it's like double the money.

It's going to be...

It's going to be incredible.

Mom, can I call you back?

I mean, I'm rich now.

I can do whatever the f*ck I want.

Can I even touch it? Ah!

What are you? Hey, I'll take this one.

- It's $3,200.
- Yeah, I got it.

f*ck you.

Have a nice day.

And he ascends directly into the sky!

Incredible. 7 5/8 points for you.

I know that's a hat size because I,

at one point in my dark
life, wore fedoras.

Damn.

Would it be rude if I
said, doesn't surprise me?

I do love to imagine
just Sam walking around

with a fedora, a deck
of cards, and a moxie.

People running from you.

- Kimia.
- Yeah.

An Architectural Digest tour

of Kimia's mind.

Oh hey guys, I forgot
you were coming today.

Just kidding, I had the place cleaned.

If you look over here,
this is where I keep

all the completely useless
knowledge that I've gained.

It's mostly full of, like,

niche Rugrats and Digimon episodes

that a lot of other people don't remember.

Over here is what I call
the kitchen of my brain.

This is where we got a lot of
no desire to cook anything.

You know how people say cook
with feeling? I can't do that.

You have to tell me what to do, you know?

And then if you look up here,

we're currently in a phase
of puberty, actually,

because we didn't do it
back when everybody else

was doing puberty, so up here is, like,

a lot of YA fiction books, a
lot of Googling sexy vampire

and then just staring at 10
Google pages of the results.

And then back there, a lot of birds.

Just a straight-up lot of birds!

Yeah, let's say a left
and right hemisphere

amount of points for you.

Jake, this is something
of a sequel prompt.

A skateboarder using a
bunch of skateboarding lingo

recollects his gnarliest move.

The year was 1993.

I was 13 years old.

Daewon Song just hit his longboard
up on a chain link fence.

It was my moment to shine,

so I slapped my board and
I got squirty with it.

I crunched into the vert
and I scooped up my hammies

and I knew, heel backwards, toes forward.

You gotta hit the slalom!

And as soon as I'm in
the middle of the slalom,

I'm realizing to myself,
this is as good as it gets!

It's all downhill from here!

So I tucked, rolled, burned
a scooby, and I knew that day

I was always going to be
a little bit of a troll.

Holy sh*t, Jake!

I don't know if you
know what you just did,

but in number one, you were a gremlin!

- Of course I remember.
- Wow! The poetry of that.

Skateboarding is poetry in motion.

- Hell yeah.
- God, a 360?

No, a 720 amount of points for you.

Last prompt of round one, Lou.

A one-star review of the sun.

Yesterday I walked out of my house,

and you won't believe what I saw.

This giant, hot ball of white
stuff just hanging in the air.

And I was like, okay. Intriguing, right?

I don't know, I was
just going about my day,

and it f*cking burned me!

So I went and did some research online

about what this thing
that is burning me is,

and they say it keeps the climate warm

and is the reason life exists at all.

But I'll tell you, I read about it online

that there are microbes that live

underneath the surface of the
earth and never see the sun,

so why can't we be like them?

I don't know, this thing is kind of lame,

and I would prefer if it
wasn't there, one star.

Lou, absolutely insufferable.



Players, that brings us
to our first mini game.

This is a game we like to
call Now That's What I Call.

In this case, the category is sex.

How this works, players,

is I'm going to give you a location.

You buzz in and pitch to me

the nickname for sex in that location.

First up, a nunnery.

Kimia.

- A bad habit.
- Pretty good, Kimia.

- Thanks.
- I like it.

Do a barrel roll!
That's my buzzer sound.

Oh, that's your buzzer sound.

- That's my buzzer sound.
- Thank you, Jake.

Thanks for distinguishing.
- For sure.

Spectacles, testicles, and that's it.

Spectacles, testicles, and that's it.

That's my buzzer sound.

- Do I need a buzzer sound?
- Apparently, Kimia.

If you want to be not left behind.

- Getting that nunt.
- Oh sh*t!

- I'm trying to get that nunt.
- Bing-ity ding dong!

- Kimia.
- Taking it up the apse.

That's a part of a church, right?

- Taking it up the-
- Apse.

Yeah, Kimia, that's pretty good too.

I still think this point
has got to go to Lou

for nunt, I'm afraid.

Something about the sheer profanity of it-

Hey, just trying to get that nunt.

...really spoke to me.

Next up, the old west. Lou.

- Buzzer sound.
- Yep.

Call that the Appaloosa Shuffle.

- Lou!
- Do a barrel roll!

Jake.

You can take a horse to water,

but you can't make him f*ck.

I like that a lot, Jake.

- Ba-da boom boom.
- Kimia.

This bed's exactly big
enough for the both of us.

I think this is going to go to Jake.

Next up, top of the corporate ladder.

- Do a barrel roll.
- Jake.

Making copies.

Oh, copies of oneself.

- Yeah, DNA copies.
- Hell yeah, Jake.

Lou.
- Corporate sex synergy.

Yeah, for sure. I
see what you were going for.

- Hey, thanks, Sam.
- We like that.

I do think that's going
to have to go to Jake

for making copies.

Next up, Catholic school sex education.

- Ba-da doo doop.
- Kimia.

- Banana time.
- Banana time.

That's going to be tough to beat.

Can't beat banana time.

I'm trying so hard to beat banana time,

and I can't beat banana time.

You want to beat banana time.

Well, your brain is just wracking,

and it just goes back to banana time.

It keeps saying banana time.

How about we just hit
those buttons, then?

I think we just give this
one to Kimia, how about that?

- Finally.
- We love that.

Last up, rabbit holes.

What do they call sex in bunny world?

- Ba-da boop!
- Kimia.

- Carrot time.
- Dammit.

Now that becomes the ear worm

stuck in your fellow players' heads.

- Do a barrel roll.
- Jake.

Hare or no hare.

Oh, I like that wordplay too.

Lou.

Peter...

Peter-
- I got it. I got it for you.

Do you?

Yeah, Peter Got-Some-Tail.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Straight-up, I was just going
to say Peter Rockin' p*ssy,

so let's go, I love that, I love that.

You know what, a shared
point between Lou and Kimia.

Peter Got-Some-Tail. That's really good.

That brings us to round
two, where our players

will now test their
talents in teams of two.

Kimia.
- Yeah.

And Jake.

A teenage kangaroo won't leave the pouch.

Time to wake up, sweetheart.

Sweetheart, it's time to wake up.

Just five more minutes!

No, it's time, the bus is
going to be here any minute.

Oh yeah, okay. Give me some space.

I've got to spray my hair gel.

You think you could do that outside?

I think I'm going to stay in here.

Sweetheart, you're
twice the age of people

that normally stay in this type of thing.

Yeah, but don't you like me

hanging out with you all the time?

I mean, you're my sweetheart.

- Yeah, right.
- You're my sweetheart.

I could never stay away, but honestly,

my knees are starting to give.

Mum, what's out there
for my anyway, you know?

Adventure, sweetheart. Fun, crocodiles.

- Oh no.
- Maybe love.

Subway sandwiches.
- Okay!

- Macca's.
- What?

- Macca's.
- What are those?

- It's like McDonald's.
- No!

Don't give me those eyes. Stop it.

- These ones?
- Stop it.

Come on, Mum.

All right, you can
stay inside for the day.

- Five more minutes!
- Five more minutes.

I love that!

That was so sweet, you two.

I want to be a kangaroo in Jake's pouch.

We could make it happen.

It's going to be a wild
night wherever y'all hang out.

Yeah, let's say a down under

amount of points for the both of you.

Jake.
- Hi.

- And Lou.
- Aw!

How not to survive a bear encounter.

Can you set up the camera?

Yeah, all right, okay. Point it at you.

Uh-huh, yeah, cool, all right.

Hey, what's up, everybody?
We're the Wigwam Brothers.

We're out here in the
wilderness trying to survive,

putting it to the test.

Yes, we can handle the danger.

You're probably asking
yourself, what kind of danger?

And it's, guess what?
- Bear season!

- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
- Whoa.

sh*t, there he is. Oh f*ck.

- Come here, bear.
- Come here!

- Hey, yo, bear!
- Bear!

Hey, square up, bear!

Hey, this bear doesn't want to catch fade.

Look at that. Where
you running to, bear?

You don't want no smoke, bear!

What you know about these woods, bear?

- What you know about this?
- sh*t, he's coming closer.

Oh, he's getting real close.

All right, what you're going to do

is you're going to take
the pheromones that you got

and you're going to put
them right around your neck,

right around your wrists,
right around your eyeballs,

because it's going to get them hot,

it's going to get them connected.

Now insult his family.

Your kids don't look up to you.

They don't even look like you.

Are you sure you're the daddy?

Yeah, they're black bears
and you're a brown bear.

Your bear wife f*cked
another bear husband!

How do you feel about
that bear infidelity, baby?

He's biting me.

I will cut you off
there, the both of you.

Let's say an absolute grizzly

amount of points for that performance.

Lou.
- Uh-huh?

- And Kimia.
- Mm-hm.

A couple of boring-a*s
white people from work.

Hannah. How's it hanging?

The water feels colder in the cup today.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

You think that's
something they're doing?

I don't know, Chad. What do you think?

That's very nice of somebody.

If there was somebody
I could thank, I would.

Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, I could send you the email

of who I think fills the waters.

- That would be awesome.
- Yeah.

You can send it to my
email. That's chad@chad.org.

Yes, absolutely.

You doing anything fun for
the two days we're not working?

Well, I came in, like you, today.

Couldn't find a thing to do in my house.

Simply couldn't, just had to come to work.

Just going to maybe go buy
a new big tub of mayonnaise.

I need to re-up,

I'm almost out of my
giant tub of mayonnaise.

I've been watching a lot of sports.

Oh yeah?

I love to do mayonnaise and sports.

My mom is my best friend.

My dad was my best man at my wedding.

Me, my dad, my mom, my
wife who's divorced me.

Sorry about that.

- It's fine.
- It's fine.

- This water is cold!
- I'll cut you off there.

That was a work of art.

That was honestly this close
to being a Harold Pinter play.

How big do you think
that jar of mayonnaise was?

What were you picturing?
- Oh yeah.

I mean, a Hellmann's amount
of points for you. Kimia.

- Yeah.
- And Jake.

Stoner characters written by
someone who's never done drugs.

What's up?

Hey, howdy, partner.

You want to take a suck of my...

You want to take a suck of my dinger?

Oh dude, is that a fresh dinger?

Yeah.

'Cause I don't like that muddy sh*t.

I filled it with Sprite,
and it's ready to go.

Oh dude, a Sprite banger
straight to my head space?

- Yeah, man.
- I'm gonna be gorgeous!

So just take that and use
it as you think is correct.

Hey, spark me, but
make sure that I don't

have a seizure before.
- Oh yeah.

I've got the drug cops on
speed dial in my phone.

- All right.
- So we're gonna be safe.

Hey, what's the name
of this flavor again?

Oh yeah, that's the 'juana man.

- Cool.
- Like that movie.

Juwanna Mann.

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

I don't even know who I am right now.

You're my best friend.

Am I? Am I?

Drug cops, come!

And I will cut you off there.

Drinking the bong is so relatable.

- Oh god.
- That's absolutely

what I thought it was until the age of 12.

Juwanna Mann.

Juwanna Mann, love.

Honestly there should be a strain of weed

called Juwanna Mann.
- Yeah.

Very good, and I have no choice

but to say 420 points for the both of you.

Jake and Lou.

An insane reaction to
the barber showing you

the back of your head in the mirror.

All right, I'm just going
to finish the massage.

Thanks, dude. Oh god, I love
your old school vibe, man.

It really is nice.

Do you want any aftershave?

Yeah, just a little
bit, thank you. Oh god.

- All right, you ready?
- Yeah, let me see it.

Oh, the front looks great.

Yeah, now just look at the back.

Are you digging it?

It's a still frame from
a Studio Ghibli movie.

You like it?

When Totoro's in the
rain with the umbrella.

Do you like that?

Oh!

So you must love it.

It's f*cking incredible!

Hit me one more time. Yeah!

How much do you like it?

- I f*cking love it!
- Yeah, do you like it?

It's the best haircut
I've ever f*cking had!

Look, if you want a touch up,

I'll give it to you for free in a week.

Okay, great, because I think
this is my personality now.

If it starts to fade or
whatever, yeah yeah yeah.

I'm going to start walking
backwards places, straight-up.

Love you, brother.
- I love you too, brother.

- I love you, brother.
- I love you, brother.

- I love you, brother.
- I love you, brother.

- I love you.
- I love you, brother.

A still from a Studio Ghibli movie.

That would be pretty tight.

A little Howl's Moving Castle
back there. You kidding me?

Come on, now.

Let's say, you know,
a trim every four weeks

to keep things fresh amount
of points for the both of you.

Lou and Kimia.
- Yes.

An uncle taking a real shot in the dark

with this birthday present.

David!

Uncle Jim!

Whoa, okay.

All right, something fun for you.

Okay.

- Bang! There it is.
- Wow.

Read a few Yahoo articles
about what you kids

are up to these days, and that's for you.

Okay.

Wow.

Mm-hm.

It's two grenades.

Two fragmen'ation grenades from Vietnam!

- These are real?
- Those are real.

Now, the guy said they're inactive.

So you went online and you read

a bunch of articles on Yahoo and you went-

They were all about how
you kids love Call of Duty

and all the different video games.

I said, let's make the video
games real! Two grenades.

For sure, two inactive grenades.

- They should be inactive.
- Inactive.

I f*cked it up, didn't I?

I should've gotten you
two active grenades.

Goddammit! Uncle Jim, you f*cked up again!

- No no no, it's okay.
- No no no, no no!

They could go off.
They could still go off.

Windy today.

- Close the window.
- Yeah.

I got other stuff, I got other stuff.

That wasn't the only present.
- No, I love it.

I love it, it's okay.

No, that wasn't the only present.

You brought another present?

I had another present.
I kept it in my wallet.

Okay. I'll take it
out, I'll take it out.

Yeah, go ahead.

Yep, it's another grenade.

- Wallet sized?
- Yeah, from the Korean w*r.

- Kind of cool, I guess.
- And it is also inactive.

It is?

Come on, Uncle Jim.
- I'm sorry.

I will cut you off there
with the assist, Jake,

and the denials from
your fellow team members.

A five, four, three,
two, one amount of points

for the both of you.

That brings us to our second mini game.

The game is Wrong Answers Only

and the category is wine tasting.

How this is going to work, players,

is we are going to present you

with a series of five
delicious wines to taste.

Once you do, I'm going
to call upon each of you

to give me an answer for
what that wine tastes like

as if you were a professional sommelier.

In order to serve you,

I'm going to have my
assistant Paul out here.

Paul, please. Thank you so much.

Let's do the white wine first.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Kimia, I'm going to ask you to go first.

Who are you, who are you?

Tastes like gasoline.

Tastes just like a car going...

In a cup.
- Jake.

Okay.

There are tastes of Gronk.

There's sort of a subtle ambulette

that comes over your tongue

and then a very sort of sharp,

but it's like an overtone, of grince.

Heavy on the chonk, though.

Lou Wilson.

Immediately picking up
on those notes of Gronk.

- Oh f*ck.
- Okay.

This is my process. Oh,
that's great, that's great.

Actually, this is funny,
this one's from my vineyard.

What's the name of your vineyard again?

- Blue.
- Blue Vineyards?

- Like the color of the sky.
- But it's B-L-O-U?

Oh, you named it after
the color of the sky

and not kind of your name?

It just so happens my name is there.

I was going to say there's
an apostrophe after the B.

That's stupid, Sam.

How dare you give him a
good marketing idea, Sam?

- Yeah, how dare?
- Hey, Sam? That's dumb.

I think for that particular round

I am going to say that
Gronk takes it, Jake.

Well done, you.

Mixing things up, let's
go Lou first this time.

- Oh, that's delicious.
- He likes them all!

This has real notes of boysenberry jam

from Knott's Berry
Farm, specifically a jar

that's being carried
around by a young mother,

father's not in the
picture, so there's no one

to hold the jam when
she goes on Ghost Rider

with the child who's
under the height limit.

They have to ride together
and it's really high velocity.

Can you taste if they
go on the jaguar ride?

They did not. Line's too long.

Too long.

- Line's way too long.
- Jake?

- It's Sprite.
- It's Sprite?

- Yeah.
- He seems confident.

And Kimia.
- Great.

That's like Carney's ketchup,

specifically from the restaurant Carney's,

the one that's a train.

Very good, all three of you,
but I think I am going to say

that point in particular goes to Sprite.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

Let's start this one with Jake.

Sprite.

- Sprite again.
- That's Sprite.

- Is that the game?
- The man is doubling down.

That's Sprite. That's
green Sprite in a landfill.

Kimia.

That makes it worse.

Why do you have to do that every time?

Wow, boy do we have something here.

The tannins are tannin-ing.
- Sure, sure.

The wine is red. It's
straight from a bottle.

- Yeah.
- It's a red wine.

With a description that fits

my pallette's interpretation of wine.

Lou.

Don't do that.

No! No!

It's my process!

Now that my nose has had a
sip, my mouth will follow.

What? Okay!

Oh, that's delicious.

That's just the back half of
a cigarette, the filter part.

Like when you light it the wrong way?

Exactly, that's like smoking
a cigarette in reverse.

That's just my favorite kind of wine.

Oh god, thank you.

Well, that's going to go to Lou.

That brings us to round
three, where our players

will now hold hands and jump
into the abyss together.

Make! Some! Noise!

Friends who have all
been bitten by zombies

try to hide it.

Oh sh*t!

Close the door, close the door!

Close it!

I need a broom handle!

Yeah, get that in there.

We're safe. Everyone's going to be okay.

Absolutely.

Okay, what do we have? Let's
think about our inventory.

Okay.

I've got a couple
cases of water upstairs.

- Are you okay? What happened?
- You're holding your neck.

You know I've been
playing pickleball, right?

Oh yeah.

I've been playing pickleball,

because it's easy on the knees.

You know what it's not easy on? The neck.

- Oh!
- That's fair.

Yeah, just a little pickleball strain.

- Hate that.
- Do you mind if I ask?

- What's up?
- Do you need help?

I'm not in need of
help. I'm totally fine.

I'm doing this new thing.

I went to the zoo before the attacks.

- Yes.
- And I saw the flamingos,

and I was like, cute!

That's why I'm all in pink, you know?

I'm like, this is what
I'm gonna be from now on.

- Sorry.
- Yeah, it's okay.

No, no, it's cool.
- No, it's cool.

Sort of like a deep
cosplay kind of thing.

- Yeah, I'm in deep cosplay.
- That's really cool.

- Flamingo vibes, I love that.
- Absolutely, absolutely.

Well, that's nice. Lightens the mood.

I want to take a deep breath
like that. That sounds good.

Hey, you good?

You know, I've been having
that restless arm syndrome.

You know, if I put it
behind my back, it's great,

but if it comes out,
woo, it's going crazy!

- Wow, yeah.
- RAS.

He's trying to scare me!

No time for pranks!

I'll cut you off there.

Just three totally real world excuses.

Let's do a bite on the hand
means you're fully infected

within 12 hours amount of points for you.

The only thing I know
is that I'm ready to...

Eat! Some! Shrimp!

- Last prompt of our game.
- No way!

Say it isn't so, players.

Again, a bit of a sequel prompt

for two of you, but it's totally fine

if there's no reference to the original.

A quirky educational theater troupe

gives you some tough love.

What's up, Alexander
Fleming Middle School?

How's everybody doing?
- Woo!

All right, everybody,
let's do a group running man.

Here we go!

Nobody did it!

- And that's okay!
- Nobody did it.

Sometimes you can't
help the change that comes

into your life because we're
on a rock floating in nothing.

That nothingness
might really get to you,

but my therapist says
you're always something

if you believe that that is true.

What we're saying is, you don't matter.

The universe will continue
to spin without you.

A lot of people like
to say, manifestation.

You know what that is? Fake!

You can't make what you want come true.

What matters is how rich your parents are!

That's right, and our parents?

Not a dime!

Not a dime!

My dad cleaned up sh*t at
the racetrack my whole life.

My dad also did that at the racetrack.

So what can you do about it?

Because I know right now, you're scared.

Absolutely nothing! It just gets worse!

Wait till you're in your


Affirmations? More like f*ck you!

There's no way you
can bring your dad back

from the cancer he got
working at the racetrack

where he cleaned up the sh*t,
there's nothing you can do!

You'll miss your best friends!

Let's get another group running man.

- Ready?
- Here we go!

Three, two, one!

- Nobody did it.
- Nobody did it.

And cut! Kimia, well remembered.

Unbelievable.

Do you like how I made
you drink a bunch of wine

and then be really physical?

It's awesome. It's ripping.

Wow, yeah, I think we've got to say

K through 12 amount of points for you.

That brings us to the end of our show.

Our winner this eve...

Kimia Behpoornia.
- Really?

Kimia, you are the winner

of the coveted Golden Ear.

Wow, wow wow wow, thank you.

That does it for us
here at "Make Some Noise."

Tune in next time for
more of the game same-er.

I'm Sam Reich, and that sounds
pretty good to me. Goodnight.

Eat! Some! Shrimp!

Wow.