01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat jazz music]

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy,

♪ she had no cash.

♪ Pretending to be classy,
but just poor White Tr*sh. ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact is

♪ a bitter aging actress

♪ who's agent just
recently dropped her. ♪

♪ Sittin' on her a*s,
drinking cheap boxed wine, ♪

♪ 'til she took a bogus
class while at home online. ♪

♪ Finished fast, came in
last, barely passed. ♪

♪ Now the b*tch calls
herself a doctor. ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
that this phony would treat ♪

♪ the craziest of
the showbiz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing
more distant and more scary ♪

♪ is her slutty blonde
assistant, that dumb
wh*re, Sherry. ♪

♪ You don't wanna be
on her client list. ♪

♪ It's Doctor Jackie, the
unlicensed psychotherapist. ♪

[door slams]

[laughing]

Honey, that's what I said.

I told him if you want a**l,

you're gonna have to do a
lot better than Applebee's.

[laughter]

Oh my God, you know exactly
what I'm talking about biatch.

[laughter]

I gotta go. Bye mom.

Well hi, and welcome to
Dr. Jackie's show- office.

I mean Dr. Jackie's
office, how may I help you?

I'm Tiffany, I'm leasing
the office next door.

I wanted to come over
and introduce myself

Hi, I'm Sherry.

to Dr. Jackie.
I've seen her on TV.

I wanted to introduce
myself to Dr. Jackie.

Oh, okay.

Well, she's not here

and I'm not expecting her
until much, much later.

Good morning. I
wasn't expecting you.

[clearing throat]

Oh, this is Susan.

Tiffany.

Susan's renting
the space next door.

I'm an aesthetic nurse.

I wanted to come by and
say hello and offer you a

complimentary procedure
of your choice.

Oh, that is so
generous of you.

Thank you.

You don't, by any chance,
do a tattoo removal do you?

I would love to get rid of this

Dave Chappelle
portrait on my shoulder

and maybe the I heart
J.K. Rowling tr*mp stamp?

I'm afraid I don't.

I specialize in Botox,
filler, follicle rejuvenation,

lip plumping, hair removal.

Hair removal? Oh, I might
be interested in that.

Do you have a weed
whacker over there?

[laughing]

Hey, could you maybe
help me get rid of this

unsightly thing that has been
embarrassing me for years?

[laughing]

Just kidding, Shirley.

I love you.

Sherry.

Whatever.

You know, the combination
of all that cheap, greasy,

heavy makeup and all
this unflattering
fluorescent lighting

can really wreak
havoc on one's face.

[laughing] Oh, I'm sorry if
that sounded insensitive.

It's just that skin
changes the older you get.

Well I'm right next door.
So just let me know.

Yes, I will. And
just to show you

how much I appreciate
you coming over here,

I'd like to offer you
one free therapy session

of your choice.

I specialize in helping
clueless, classless idiots

gain common social skills.

[thump]

What's my first appointment?

Oh, these two weirdos.

They just called to say that
they were having trouble

parking because the
vibrations were off.

F M L.

Huh?

That means f*ck my life.

Just kidding.

[upbeat music]

[typing]

Horrible. Just awful.

Oh my God, the receptionist.

Oh, it's a wasteland.

It's awful.

It's a spiritual

District nine.

It's a spiritual vacuum
out there. Just like I'm.

Ugh.

We're here to help people.

Yeah.

So how can we help you?

We come in, it's
like a Brillo pad

Oh my God.

of bad energy up
in my face. Just,

Hi you guys.

Sh, ba ba ba bah, no, no, no,

No, no, no, not yet.

Uh uh.

Not yet.

We have to set our intentions

Always do that.

We have to set the
operation thing. Just like,

there. Gonna get some
good stuff going,

because I am already in a
mood and I don't need that on.

Do you have a lighter dear
or long handled lighter?

I brought matches.

Thank you. Babe,
look at me in the eye.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thanks for being my,

[breathes out]

break up some of this.

My champion.

Ah, yes.

A mask in case we
want to go blank.

Just gonna take that out.
Oh, oh, that's better.

Just get this out of the way

So much better.

Just set that right there.

[sniff] Mmmm

That's a coaster.

[tongue roll]

No no no, just, um, can you

A coaster.

She's adorable.

Labels? No, gonna lay
that down there, over there.

Okay. Well gentlemen, I don't
want to misgender anybody.

Yeah. Be careful.

Gentlemen okay?

Yeah, uh,

I don't like gentle.

I don't man.

I don't appreciate that.

So spirit, sweet
sprite spirits.

Sweet sprite spirits,
let's start. Now

Yeah, 'cause this is
very harsh and priapic

and I don't need
to look at that.

I might get too
aroused by it so,

Ugh, electronics.
Not great, but,

Okay. You guys just breathe.

Thank you so much
for being here.

Thank you.

That was a lot, but remember
we only have 50 minutes.

So Peodor and Grimsley.

[blowing lips]

No, wrong again.

Opposite.

Wow. Not intuitive at all.

I'm so sorry.

Should we change
chairs for you?

Is that what
you need it to be?

We've never met,
no come on you guys.

[laughter]

Let's try to keep this a
fertile zone if you will.

Ooh, yes.

Um

Like my throat.

Um, so let's just get
to brass tax if you will.

Yes.

Why are we here?

We are depleted
from helping others.

Just exhausted.

Yeah. What exactly do you do?

I mean, I see you the
accoutrement of your,

[laughing]

What do we do?

Clearly we do

Is it healing? Or

Yes. A. That

Yes.

B. Fulfilling.

Yes. Spiritual purging.

Radical screen jumping.

Yes.

It's all in the

Shriek enlightenment.

Yeah.

Ignoring truth.

Yeah. There's a, the grip.

The grip of forgiveness.

Uh oh.

The gripping of forgiveness.

No, no, no.

I've never heard the
phrase ignoring truth.

Yeah, oh

That, uh

Why would you wanna

I recommend it.

There's a word for that.

We need someone delusion.

I named my niece delusion,

they let me raise
her for three months.

The state took her away
from me. But her, uh

Which state was that?

Huh? Wiscon.

Wiscon.

I won't say sin. Wiscon.

I don't like sin. I love to sin.

I don't like the negative
connotation. Here's the thing,

Where did you hear?

Did you see my, did you
see my bus bench ad, or

Maybe.

I'm just curious
as did someone

I'm getting a,

I'm getting a vision
of you on maybe like

a television program
of some sort.

You seem elegant.

Oh, you saw me on

We hate television.

We won't deal with it.

We don't like it.

Maybe we were walking
by a storefront

with televisions in it.

Yeah.

You know, we saw you on
television, possibly.

In a small town in America.

Yeah.

You were passing a store.

So. In Connecti. In Connecti.

Connecti.

I don't say cut.

God no, cause cut is
harsh and very violent.

But we definitely
saw you in our thing,

and you know.

Uh, that. That's
interesting. That's weird.

I guess it's just like,
therapists need therapy.

Mm-hmm.

So I just invented
that and I like it.

Have you met a more brilliant,

a more brilliant, more sexy.

So help us. Help!

sweet, sweet fellow?

Thank you.

[exhales]

Now, are you too a couple?

A couple?

No, no we are not.

No, not right now
we're not. Okay?

No. No, we're not right now.

Let's just be clear we're not.

We were.

Agreed.

We used to be. We were and
have someone hoards his sweat.

And someone keeps
their toenail clippings

in a tiny little jar.

Okay.

So anyway, I was raised,

my father made us live in a
sand castle for the first five

years of my life. So I have
a lot of abandonment issues.

How do you, how did you
get on that TV show?

It was an early thing.

Good morning USA.

Whatever, sure.

Sure, if you say so.

So that's, you know, yeah.

And we were just like

Yeah, we were like,
we could do that.

We could do that. Why
can't, why her not us?

Yeah, I know.
It's kind of weird.

It's like you watch things and

immediately a light
bulb went off.

Right?

Cause it's like, we
were like, that's us.

That's what we should be doing

and why is she
getting to do that?

Sounds like me
watching p*rn*graphy.

I could do that. Or
how come that's not me?

You know what,

but I had a dream the other
night that we were on TV.

See? So

Um, and that was the dream.

And if I don't follow my dreams,

I get very bad indigestion.

Do you have a number
you call to just say

I'd like to be on
TV or is it like a

I'm a psychotherapist.
I'm not a producer.

You know, they
just contacted me.

They were looking
for therapists.

That's good.

Is that vodka?

Yeah, or tequila.

You giving out samples?

I don't have a cup.

We have a mouth.

Just traded in my salt.

Yeah. Just

Salt

Water the salt.
They'll love it.

I don't know any of these terms.

Barely drink, I hate it.

But in my, at all,

[slams bottle]

but in my, um. In my

[sniffs]

dream, I definitely
the word agent

[mispronouncing agent]

agent came up.

Do you know what that means?
And can you get us one?

Okay. You guys,

I see what's going on here.

Well, we're helping.

You're therapist. I hope so.

And you are passionate
about what you do.

Thank you.

You wanna help as many

It's okay.

It's alright.

Someone just saw me.

You saw me.

I see you.

Oh, okay. Not
listening but I'm seeing.

Now, listen.

That was weird.

Yeah.

You are passionate
about what you do.

Thank you.

You love healing people.

Absolutely.

You love helping people.

And when you saw me on TV,

you immediately thought
I could help more people.

Yes.

using this.

Sure.

I have to burst your bubble.

I have nothing to do
with that. Like I said,

the phone just rang.

I said yes because that was,
I was, have you done yes week?

Is that peyote?

No.

Oh.

Yes week is where for one week

you just say yes to everything.

Yes. I'll be able to

I've done yes life.

Yeah. That's true.

I had my first
l*sbian experience.

That's when the producers
of Good Morning USA called.

I ate blowfish.

I need to take notes.

Yeah.

If I only knew how to write.

I got it, I got it,
I got it, I got it.

I'm gonna do my

But here's my thing, I
wish I could help you

Blowfish, l*sbian.

Blow a fish and eat a
l*sbian is what I heard.

Get on TV.

Yeah.

If there's like
a number we could,

it'd be great if you
could like call a number .

A contact.

A person.

An agent.

Look, I will do
anything with my body.

Um, I

[blowing lips]

wasn't done, but

Won't say sin. Won't say cut.

You're not a couple
anymore, but you used to be

Fingers crossed.

You hoard your sweat?

Nope.

You hoard your sweat.

I hold my toenails in a jar.

Okay, maybe you
should switch seats.

Anyway. I'm kidding.

It's hard to tell
cause it's never funny.

This is a coaster and

Oh. That's where
I draw a line.

That's where I draw a line.

Wow. That's where you stop
looking at your notes and you

Here's where I draw the line.

Okay.

Oh, you're a very
literal person.

Okay, alright, so
she just, what she did

was that she judged.

She shattered.

And she shattered.

Well, then I'd be
Judge Jackie, wouldn't I.

And I'm not Judge Jackie.

I'm

Give it to me.
Give it to me. I'm

It fell off.

Okay.

This is me right now

Person. Very

I feel like I've
got nothing to give.

No, can I just really get
real with you for a minute?

Please, please.

I think it's time to look in
the mirror and admit that the

only f*ck' reason
you came here

was to get on Good Morning USA.

[laughing]

You are funny.

Now come on, you guys.

Truth with a capital T.

If there's anything you
could do to get us on there,

that would be great.

Alright. You guys,
we're out of time.

This has been enlightening.

It's fake!

Like some other
people in this room

who won't help other
people who just need it.

Yeah. Get it,
somebody's famous.

Guess what?

Somebody's

Guess what?

My toenails are in the
city dump right now.

Yeah.

[blowing lips]

You guys, you guys, you guys

What?

I'm messing with you.

Here's the business card of the

producer of Good Morning USA.

Bye, Felicia.

[laughing]

Get it and memorize it.

I love winning!

You're horrible people,

but you're gonna make great TV.

Oh my

Freaks.

f*cking freaks.

[clears throat]

Why can't everybody
be normal like me?

[easy listening music]

[phone ringing]

Dr. Jackie here.

Hi, Dr. Jackie.

It's me, Cassandra Peterson.

Hey, honey.

I have kind of an emergency.

You know, I

Oh!

I'm running
around the country,

you know, trying to
promote my new book.

Yours cruelly, Elvira.

Oh yeah. I read it.

It's real juicy.

Yours cruelly, by Elvira.
You should read it.

Anyway, I have this
thing that keeps happening.

All these guys keeps
sending me pictures.

Oh.

They're pictures of
them dressed as Elvira.

They all look better than me.

And that's getting to be
really, really depressing.

So we're talking about
drag queens here. Am I right?

Which is also fine.

We're talking about men

who put on tons of garish makeup

and plop synthetic, fake
looking wigs on their head

and you know, prance around?

Um

Don't let a bunch of
drag queens, you know,

make you feel less than.

I, I just thought maybe
you have some advice for me.

You are the real deal.

You are f*cking gorgeous.

Okay? Are you listening to
me? Are you hearing this?

[laughing]

There's only one Elvira,
and it's you b*tch.

Thank you, Dr. Jackie,
that really helps.

Alright. Glad to hear it.

You are brilliant.

Okay. Bye-bye.

[end call tone]

[sigh]

I can't believe Elvira

[sniffs]

is one of my clients.

Hashtag blessed.

I guess you're probably
wondering why I
wanted to speak with

you this morning.

I'm getting fired.

No.

I'm getting a raise?

Ha, no.

I give up. Why?

Well, it's the
first of the month

so I read everything that's
in the employee suggestion box

and I must say, I am not amused.

What do you mean?

Give Sherry a raise.

Hey, how about a
four day work week

like they do in Japan?

Fire Dr. Jackie.

You wrote all these, didn't you?

No!

Sherry, we are the only
two people who work here.

Maybe you wrote them.

They are all in
your handwriting.

No, they're not. I did
it with my left hand.

Fill the water
cooler with Chardonnay,

get a subscription
to People Magazine.

Adopt an office puppy?

Come on. You have to
admit those are great ideas.

This is a place of business,

not an amusement park, Sherry.

Despite the way you dress.

Whatever, you're the boss.

Sherry?

Yes, Dr. Jackie?

Do you notice
anything about my desk?

Oh, there. One
suggestion left.

Why don't you read it?

Are you serious?

We're getting a
frozen yogurt machine?

Uh-huh.

We're getting a
frozen yogurt machine!

Yes!

We're getting a
frozen yogurt machine!

[crying]

Hello, I'm Dr.
Jackie, and you are?

I'm Dorothy.

Dorothy.

It's pronounced Dorothy.

Three syllables.

Alright.

They're very important.

Dorothy.

So it's our very
first session together,

so why don't we start out by

you telling me a little
bit about yourself

and why you're here today?

Well, quite frankly,
I'm a little embarrassed.

Me, sitting here with such
small, demure shoulders.

What are you

Pardon me.

Adding shoulder pads?

I'd feel more comfortable.
You don't mind do you?

Not at all. Whatever makes
you feel more comfortable.

Thank you

Is, uh

Anyway, Doctor, therapy has
never really been my thing.

Right.

Tell me about yourself.

Well, I'm divorced,

I live in Miami,

I'm a substitute teacher

and I have three roommates.

Doctor, is this a safe space?

Of course it is. You
can tell me anything.

Can I speak to you frankly?

Honestly?

Please.

Alright.

That's the only way
we're gonna get anywhere.

My roommates are
driving me crazy.

What's going on?

Oh God. Where do I start?

Well, there's my first
roommate, Blanche.

Blanche

No last names please.

Oh,

because we wanna keep this
patient-doctor confidentiality.

Actually it's
for legal purposes.

We're already pushing it
by calling you Dorothy and

nevermind.

Tell me about Blanche.

I wanna be as
sensitive as I can here.

Um, she's, uh

she's a sl*t!

The men that she has
had coming in and out

of this house in Miami.

I mean, seriously,

she once went on a date
with my ex-husband Stanley,

if you can believe that.

I once walked in on this woman
having a train run on her

from the entire cast
of Fiddler on the Roof

for the Burt Reynolds
Dinner Theater.

Oh, one.

[Siri tone]

Yeah, Deary, could
you tell me what

"run a train" means?

[Siri] "Run a train" is
a euphemism for a g*ngb*ng.

Oh, well that's terrible!

[sounds of disgust]

It sounds like this
woman has no boundaries.

Right?

She's not respecting
you as a roommate.

Not at all.

Now you said you
had several roommates.

Who's the other one?

Her name is Rose.

How do I put this gently?

Rose is,

she marches to the beat of

Well,

Rose is,

she's an idiot.

My God.

She's so stupid.

And honestly I never
really liked her.

Now, Rose is supposed to be
the fun one, the innocent one,

but that's not how it really is.

The truth is Rose has been
addicted to pain pills and she's

k*lled not one, but two men.

How?

By sleeping with them.

Oh.

It's almost unbelievable.

It's like a house
full of sluts.

Yes.

Well, except me.

Oh, is that something you
might want to talk about?

I wish.

You wish you were a sl*t?

Oh, I wish I was getting
any d*ck whatsoever.

Blanche and Rose. Are
those your only roommates?

No.

Get this.

My mother moved
into the house. Oh,

What?

My God. Oh God, you see her
retirement home burned down.

It was a very nice
retirement village.

Sha-

[halts]

Not sunny, evergreen trees.

Hm.

Yeah.

So she moved in with
you after it burned down?

Oh, she did.

My mother's horrible.

She's the source of all
of my problems, Doctor.

Well, that's one
of my famous phrases.

"When in doubt,
blame the mother."

Well, it's really
accurate in this case.

But, Doctor, I don't want
you to get the wrong idea.

You know, the girls: Rose,
Blanche; my mother, Sophia.

We may have our differences.

We may have our ups and downs,

but at the end of every episode,

we come together and find a
common ground and realize we're

chosen family.

Did you say episode?

What?

At the end of every episode.

I'm not sure what you're
talking about, Doctor.

I think that's a very
interesting way to phrase it.

And something's been bothering
me as you were talking about

your roommates and your life and

Not enough shoulder pads?

No, more than
enough shoulder pads.

Very self-conscious.

Sasquatch chic.

You know, when you were
talking about your life

and specifically your roommates,

there was something that I
couldn't put my finger on,

but it seemed very
familiar to me.

And then when you said episode,

it hit me like a ton of bricks.

There is a television program,

a beloved sitcom
from the eighties,

about four older women who
lived together in Miami.

I can't say the title
for legal reasons,

but let's just call it

The Gilded Gals.

[bell dings]

I feel like you are
the character Dorothy,

from that television show and
the people you're describing

are characters from that show.

Doctor, you're
absolutely right.

Oh, I can't believe
it I've been so blind.

I just don't understand what's
going on in your real life,

where being a 50-something
year old unattractive, manly,

shoulder-padded, divorced
substitute teacher

is better than being yourself.

Oh, I feel like such a fool.

You're trying to escape
from your real life.

Yes. Yes.

You're right.

So I guess the question is,

are you ready to be
your authentic self?

Yes. Yes I am.

Are you ready to be courageous
and brave and not only pull

down this emotional wall
that you're putting up,

but also pull off that wig?

That horrible wig and maybe
pull off that hideous outfit and

those chunky eighties earrings.

All right. I get it.

All of it has to go.

Okay.

All right, here we go, Doctor.

I'm with you. You can do this.

I can't wait to
meet the real you.

[wig flying]

[suspenseful music]

Hi, what's your name?

Hi.

My name is Carrie.

I'm a newspaper columnist
from New York city and I love

hanging out with
my close friends,

Samantha, Charlotte
and Miranda. You see

[muted]

And just like that,

I helped get another person
separate reality from fantasy.

[muted]

[upbeat jazz music]