01x08 - Woman With Agency

[bunniefuu]

g*nman: Open the f*cking register now!

Everybody get your hands up.

Come on, get over here,

I want everybody to line up over here.

- Oh, my God, oh, my God,

Barbara, do you think he saw us?

- f*ck, I don't think so.

I don't know.

CODY: I don't want to die, man,

not like this.

I don't even have a Wikipedia page.

g*nman: Ma'am.

- Oh, sh*t, he saw you.

- What? No, he said "ma'am."

BARBARA: Yeah, that's you.

- What? I'm not a ma'am.

- Yeah, you are, you're totally a ma'am.

- No, I'm not.

BARBARA: Yes, you are.

You've been a ma'am for a long time.

g*nman: Ma'am!

Ma'am!

Why don't you go smoke

some more crack, huh?

- You got any?

- What?!

- See, he was talking to the crack wh*re,

I told you.

- Okay, I don't care.

Listen to me, I have a plan.

You see those Jesus candles?

You're gonna take two of them,

then you're gonna somersault

quietly behind the candy aisle.

From my calculations,

you'll have a perfect vantage point.

- What the f*ck are you talking about?

- Come on, Cody, you can take him.

- No, I can't.

BARBARA: Yes, you can.

You're bigger than him.

- f*ck you.

- You are-- you're like twice his size.

- I want everybody to take

their cell phones out and their wallets.

But don't touch your own wallet!

Take the wallet out

of the person to your right.

There's only four phones here,

and there's five of you.

- f*ck this.

I'm calling the cops.

- You're such a p*ssy.

[g*nman shouting indistinctly]

What are you doing?

- Nothing. Nothing, nothing.

[Barbara gasps]

Are you f*cking texting Dan right now?

- No, okay, just

I texted him "I love you" two hours ago,

and he just texted back

"k, you, too," all lowercase.

Like, what the f*ck is that?

- I seriously cannot believe you.

Don't you get that this is

like a f*cking parable

for the world right now?

Toxic masculinity as represented,

quite literally,

by a dude with a gu

Well, don't write that.

- Why?

- "Are we okay?"

CODY: What, what?

- If you have to write to your boyfriend

"Are we okay?"

you're definitely not okay.

- Do you think he's cheating on me?

- Honestly?

g*nman: Ma'am.

- Yeah.

- Don't say that.

You're gonna give me

a f*cking heart attack.

- Ma'am!

- [gasps] f*ck, oh, my God.

Please don't k*ll me, Jesus Christ,

please, please, please don't k*ll me,

oh, my God.

- See, you're totally a ma'am,

I was right.

[laughs]

- Shut up.

- What?

- No, not-- nothing, not you.

- Slide your phone over here.

- Okay, okay, okay, just, um

I'm so sorry, can I just send one text?

It'll be so fast.

- No! What the f*ck?!

- Okay, okay, all right, okay!

All-all right!

- God, you idiot!

[quiet music playing]

- Is that a f*cking sex doll?

- Yeah.

- The f*ck is around its neck?

- Her vag*na?

BARBARA: Sir,

I'm fully cooperating,

and if you have to k*ll her,

I completely understand,

and if you have to r*pe me, I'm down,

but, like, please don't k*ll me.

- Why the f*ck is it wearing a vag*na

around its neck?

- Well, it's her,

it's her old vag*na, it's

'Cause, you know, she wa--

she used to be my boyfriend's sex doll

and now, you know, she's just my friend

and she's my writing partner.

She's kind of a,

kind of a handful, actually.

When she was my boyfriend's sex doll,

he didn't, he didn't take

very good care of her, so, like,

hygiene-wise,

her p*ssy got kind of crusty.

You know, when I say that,

it, like, it-it sounds like I'm saying,

like, he's a pervert.

He's, like, a super sweet guy,

great boyfriend.

He's actually, like,

a really successful TV writer.

He just has kinks, you know.

He's into foot stuff, he's into pantyhose,

and, you know, like,

for a while he just had, um,

like, a mannequin leg,

and he would put pantyhose on it

and he would just, like,

rub it on his n*pples,

but then the dog chewed up

the pantyhose leg,

so then he got the sex doll.

It's kind of the

g*nman: Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Is your is your boyfriend Dan Harmon?

- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.

This is crazy.

I am a huge fan.

- Wait, what?

g*nman: Yeah.

- I f*cked him every week.

- Uh

CODY: Oh, my God!

- Rick and Morty is

my favorite TV show of all time.

- That is insane.

- I-- this is crazy.

I'm, like, a total Harmenian,

and, you know, I,

I listen to his podcast every week.

- Right.

g*nman: And, as you know, you know,

he really kind of, like,

puts himself out there,

so when you said "sex doll,"

I was like, "Could it be?"

And then you were like, "writer."

And then you said

- "Foot fetish."

- "foot fetish"! And I was like,

"Uh, could it be? Yes, it is!"

And now it is!

- Dude, I'm, like, freaking out right now.

This is f*cking crazy.

g*nman: So am I.

Wow, what a small world.

What are the chances

that, like, you and I would run

into each other like this?

- Very slim.

- Barbara.

- I mean,

it's-it's like a Rick and Morty episode,

but, like, everything

I would be saying would be

so much smarter

because the writing on that show was

[g*nsh*t]

[both screaming]

CODY: Oh, my God!

Holy sh*t!

[Barbara screams]

- [panting]

[engine starts]

[Barbara sighs]

- That was so f*cked up.

- [exhales]: What?

- Oh, my God, I'm, like, still shaking.

- Like, me, too, I'm also shaking.

Like, I'm not actually physically shaking,

but I'm also experiencing the trauma

in a very real way.

- That was f*cking crazy!

What the f*ck just happened to us?!

- That was crazy!

Like, who thought that f*cking crack wh*re

would save the day like that?

- Oh, my God, I know.

You know

we probably shouldn't call her that

anymore.

- I hundred percent agree.

Well, can you believe that

crack sex worker

saved the f*cking day like that?

- Totally.

Oh, my God, he broke my phone.

I mean, mostly it is very, very sad

that a, like, a human life was taken,

obviously,

and, like, I feel terrible for, like,

the family

of that dead robber.

- Dude, I feel terrible, too.

Like, to echo that, I'm devastated.

- I mean, the whole thing's

like a f*cking tragedy.

BARBARA: It's a tra--

it's that's a perfect word.

Yeah, it's like a true American tragedy.

But

you know, it is kind of

one of those tragedies that

would make an amazing story, right?

- Like, a really good story.

- Like, it'd be almost more of a tragedy

if we didn't tell that story, right?

- Like maybe in a spec script

about a girl and her sex doll?

- Oh, my God, I was having the same idea!

- No.

- Yes, but I didn't want to tell you

'cause I was like,

"She's gonna think I'm a monster."

- Wait, really?

- Hundred percent.

- No. Oh, my God, that's hilarious.

Oh, my God, I'm starving.

Feel like I burned,

like, a million calories

just from having my heart rate

so elevated.

- I know, I'm so hungry.

[sighs] I would so join you, but

- You're a sex doll so you can't eat?

- I'm keeping this sh*t tight.

- All right.

b*tch, you are covered in blood.

BARBARA: You're covered in blood.

CODY: You look psychotic.

BARBARA:

You look like you're in the movie Carrie.

CODY: No, I look dope.

'Cause they mean me and you. ♪