02x04 - Hit the Road Jack

[bunniefuu]

[female judge] A judgment for deportation
is hereby ordered.

[gavel banging]

[Mo] Deported?

Don't worry. You're being released
on your own recognizance.

So I'm not deported?

Oh no, you're definitely deported,
but now you can stay.

How can I stay if I'm deported?

Because there's no place to deport you to.
You're a stateless person.

That's a good thing?

You're not a Kuwaiti citizen,
so they can't send you there.

Definitely won't send you to Israel--

They don't want Palestinians going back.

So they have to let you stay.

So I'm not deported?

You are deported,
but now you can have a work permit.

What the f*ck?

-Lizzie, help me understand.
-Mm-hmm.

If I can get a work permit and stay,
why the hell would I apply for asylum?

Oh, there's a couple things you can't do,
so you won't be able to vote.

Okay. Who cares about voting?

Popular vote doesn't even win.

The electoral college,


And if you ever get in trouble
with the law,

ICE can put you in a detention center,
like indefinitely.

And, Mo, you're not going to be able
to have travel documents,

which means you can't go to Palestine
with your family.

What is that, a bark collar?

No, this is your ankle monitor.

-An ankle monitor?
-What?

Correct. It's a device
that tracks his location.

I know what it is, but why?

He's been here almost his entire life.
He doesn't have an arrest record.

Why is an ankle monitor being mandated?

-The judge's orders.
-The judge mandated it?

[officer] Correct.

This has gotta be a mistake.
Can you please talk to the judge? Please?

Buddy, can you put your foot up
on this stool for me?

Thank you.

-[monitor beeps]
-f*ck, it hurts, man. It's itchy.

Listen, don't alter this.

Don't tamper with it.

Don't take it off at any point.

And do not ignore
any form of communication.

So when you hear my voice,
you respond. You got it?

Is this like a walkie-talkie or something?

What do you mean, hear your voice?

You can call me on this thing?

[officer] Yes, at any time.

And the battery doesn't really last,

so you're gonna have to charge this thing
every six to eight hours.

Failure to do so
violates the terms of your release.

Questions?

Yeah. How long is he expected
to wear this thing?

Until Simon says.

"Until Simon says."

It's lunch. I'm starving.
I'm gonna go to Whataburger.

Bon appétit.

This is f*cking embarrassing.

I gotta wear this g*dd*mn thing
around my ankle?

[sniffles] I f*cked up big time.

[crying]

Really f*cked up.

I'm going to file an appeal
as soon as I'm back to the office.

We're gonna get this worked out.

I just need you to hang in there, okay?
And let me get it fixed.

If you need me, you can just, you know,
find me on Google Maps, apparently.

[voice breaking] My family's going to go…

I want to go with them.

[Lizzie] I'm sorry.

[breathes deeply]

[car door slams]

[Mo] Yeah. "Come to America," they said.

"It's gonna be great," they said.
"Live the dream."

-[Hameed] Come, bro
-[Mo] Hey, what's up?

-[Nick] What's up, bro?
-[Mo] What's up, bro?

-[in Arabic] Peace be upon you.
-And unto you.

[in English] Bro, it's not bad!
They really got you, bro.

Bro, they could've gave you AirTag.

But they give you this thing that vibrates
when your table's ready at Chili's.

-[laughs]
-Yeah, thank you.

I know, I gotta be really thoughtful
about hiding it.

Or you could just lean into it,
you know, own it.

Probably get it bedazzled or something.

Oh, that's a good idea. Bedazzled, yeah.

I'll get little gemstones, a hot glue g*n.

What am I, in fifth grade?

Oh, shut up, bro.
How the hell did they slap it on anyway?

Oh man, the judge deported me,
and I was like, "What did you do?"

And I just flipped the table.

Five ICE agents grabbed me,
they were dragging me in.

Finally, they pinned me down
and put on this ankle bracelet.

You cried, didn't you?

-Like a baby. I cried like a damn baby.
-It's okay.

It was humiliating.

They put it on me, and I started feeling
all these emotions. I'm human.

Bro, I don't know, bro,
what is more humiliating,

you being deported,
or Maria dating Israeli chef?

Israeli chef.

I… I can't even wear slim-fit anymore.
It sticks out.

Let's…

-I need the slim fit.
-Yeah.

[Arabic pop music playing]

"Tari, the new restaurant
from Israeli chef Guy Rosen,

brings new life
to old staples like hummus,

that will have Houston taste buds
begging for more."

Oh my gosh!

What's the big deal? So he makes hummus?

You like hummus.

"What's the big deal?"

He's pillaging my heritage, that's what.

Okay? You can't call hummus Israeli.

Israel's been around, what,
like 75 years or so?

Hummus has been around
for thousands of years.

So have the Jewish people.

All right. True.

But Jews in Russia
weren't sitting around like,

"Hey, pass the hummus and knafeh,"
while they're doing zips of vodka.

All right? You got matzo ball soup.
God bless you.

It's nice, refreshing.

It has bread, broth,
all the things I love.

Gefilte fish, you can keep that.

I see.

Israelis can't make hummus,
but you can make falafel tacos.

Don't even go there.
It's a completely different situation.

It's a celebration of two cultures
coming together harmoniously.

Which you know nothing about.

Exactly. Plus, Mo never called
his tacos Palestinian.

Ah, to be fair,
the review said the chef was Israeli.

It didn't say nothing about the food.

That's the kind of clever sh*t they pull.

They steal from our culture,
then deny it with semantics.

Smart. He's probably working
with the Mossad also.

-He's a decent dude.
-[Mo] Maybe.

Oh, he's a decent guy?

Hell yeah.
Y'all probably got a lot in common.

It's true.
You're both immigrants and Semites.

You're roughly the same age.

The only difference is he's successful.

And legal.

-My wings are clipped.
-Ah!

[Hameed] Yeah, okay, listen.

I just want you to imagine
this is Guy's success.

-[Aba] Mm-hmm.
-And this is Mo's success.

Look at Guy's success.

It's all the way. Look. Look. Look.
Up here, okay?

Now, this is Mo's success. Look.

It's all the way. Listen. Look. Look.

Imagine me touching the floor, okay?

Just spare me the visuals, please.

No, but wait.

Mo's potential. Huh?

Mo's potential, look,
it's all the way up here.

Slightly above Guy's success.

It is a small margin,
but in success, it is very big.

Yeah, man.

Once you have your papers,
you can go back to work at Houston Mobile.

Abood would love to have you back.

You know, Aba, I love you,
but you're f*cking k*lling me.

You want me to get the permit,
go back working for Abood,

hocking Selena phone cases?

My God, I got the family business now.

Give me one year,
I'll be running circles around this clown,

and I'll get Maria back in no time.

[Hameed] Maria?

Yeah! Bro, you're gonna marry Austin.

[in Arabic] God willing, bro.

-[in English] Who the hell is Austin?
-Austin, bro, she's Dallas' sister.

Perfect bride for this guy. I know.

What's going on with this family?
I just wanna know.

I'm very curious.
Is everybody named after cities?

-You got a Mexican cousin named El Paso?
-[loud beep]

-What is that?
-Oh, that's…

-[Nazeer] Smoke alarm?
-[beeping continues]

-No, it's my ankle bracelet.
-Ah.

I gotta charge it. Do you have
an extension cord or something?

No, no, there is a plug
in the corner there.

Go ahead.

Let's play.

[Maria sighing] Toya.

Do you believe in karma?

Yeah, you fixing my car for free?

That's good karma, right? [grunts]

Why are you asking?

This guy took me to a play the other day.

-Again?
-Yeah.

Do you even like theater?

-No.
-Then why are you going?

Because I'm in it too deep.
He thinks I like it.

If I say something now,
it's just gonna be really weird.

Anyway, this play was about this woman
whose husband was in a wheelchair.

And she falls in love with the nurse
that's taking care of her husband.

So both of them run off into the sunset
because they're in love,

and they get into a freak accident.

See? It's bad karma.

This play sounds ridiculous.

Do you think something bad's
gonna happen to me

because I went from Mo to Guy?

Oh my God. You're being way too dramatic.

When Guy came around, I didn't know.

Mo called me an emotional t*rror1st.

Can you believe that sh*t?
An emotional t*rror1st?

Hey, does this guy know what he's doing?

I didn't know he was Israeli,

I swear I did not know he was Israeli
when he came into the shop.

He took his car in, I thought he was cute.

-And it's not like I was hiding it.
-Hey.

Do you think I'm an emotional t*rror1st?

Hey, yo, Maria, what the hell?

Oh, God! Hector!

[in Spanish] What the hell are you doing?

[in English] f*ck. sh*t.

-You see?
-[Toya] I'm way too pregnant for this.

This doesn't happen. It's karma.

Yeah, your karma's messing with my karma.

Get over there. I don't want the smoke
to get into the baby.

[Toya sighs] You need to fire him.

[quacking]

[Mo] Okay. Thank you. Awesome.

All right, I say we hit up Richmond,
get to the grocery stores, halal stores.

I… I already scheduled 16 meetings
around town.

[Mo] Sixteen meetings?

Oh, wow!

It's very detailed. Yeah.

Why is it laminated?

So it doesn't bend.

Oh, yeah.

Don't you think we should be, uh,
thinking bigger?

That was the biggest size paper
that they had.

No, I meant, like, bigger stores
to get higher volume sales.

Hamoodi, remember how you were
in such a rush to cross the border

that you got yourself deported?

The hearing that happened yesterday?
I remember. What's your point?

Patience is a virtue, Hamoodi.

You can't have growth outpace production.

Remember, a fast rise
often means a fast fall.

[in Arabic] Listen to your brother.
He knows his work.

-Yes, Mama.
-May God be pleased with you.

-[in English] Fast rise, fast fall.
-Yeah.

-I got it. I got it. Watch yourself.
-[Sameer] Oh!

[Sameer]
It's not just freshly-picked olives.

What makes our oil special, er, um…

Er, what… What makes…

What makes our oil unique is what…

We use traditional methods.

[inhales sharply]

Sorry, habibi. You got it. Yeah.

Arabs, we're basically Italians.
Italians are basically Arabs.

I mean, Arabs were in Sicily
for like 300 years.

-I mean, we could be cousins.
-Why are you talking like that?

I'm talking like what?
That's how I talk all the time.

Our oil is rich in antioxidants. It…

[chewing gum loudly]

You could put it in…
You can put it in your…

Keep going. Keep going. It's okay.

What… [mutters indistinctly]

[chuckling]

[laughs] It's funny?

You call this bread?

Yeah? Look at this f*cking bread. I could…

I could… Look at it.
Teeing off. Now batting.

-What kind of bullshit bread is this?
-Hamoodi!

Know what's funny? Your shitty baguettes.

Laughing at my brother, you piece of sh*t.

[in Arabic] Why did you do that?

[in English] French.

-Was… Was I supposed to do it in French?
-No. No.

Listen, he doesn't deserve our oil.
Let's get out of here.

It also has monounsaturated fats,
which… which are…

which are healthy fats.

Uh, can you… Hamoodi?

No, no. Keep going. You're doing great.

[mutters indistinctly]

It also acts as…

[mutters indistinctly]

It also acts as an anti-inflammatory…

Miss, could you please stop
chewing your gum?

Look, this olive oil, best olive oil
you've had in your whole life.

Olive oil is dense in fat and calories.

One tablespoon alone has 119.

Forget about it!

You know, you should… should be
more mindful of your por… portion sizes.

[Mo] Aw jeez! Thank you.

Thank you for your time. I'm sorry.

Sameer, let's go. Come on.

No. Oh…

Oh, no.

Please tell me we're almost done.

We're almost done.

The next eight stores
are a much better fit.

I don't think fit's the problem.

[softly] What the f*ck!

-I gotta make a stop.
-[tires screech]

What are you doing?

What are you doing?
Erma's Nutrition is that way.

Just grabbing a bite.

But I packed sandwiches.

And pickles on the side. You love pickles.

[Mo] I do love pickles.
Let me just check this place out.

[phone ringing]

Tari. How can I help you?

Right. No, unfortunately,
we do not have outdoor seating today.

Yeah, chef wants…

Would you look at that face?

…cuisine at the temperature he intended.

Don't you just wanna punch it?

We can make that happen. Of course.

His eyes sparkle.

Okay. It's glossy paper.

-Hi. Can I help you with something?
-Uh…

No, I got a pickle.

He's got a pickle.
Maybe I could help you, though.

It looks like you guys
could use some business.

This place is pretty empty. [chuckles]

[inhales deeply] Maybe people want
something more authentic, right?

Something with a little soul.

We don't open till 5:00.

Oh.

Can I put you on a wait-list or something?

We are, unfortunately,
overbooked for the next two months.

Two months?

-[phone rings]
-Is that-- Oh, will you… Sorry.

Just need to…

Don't cross the desk. Okay.

Hello. Tari. How can I help you?

CJ Stroud?

Tomorrow.

Tonight.

Of course. Yes.

We always have a table here for CJ,
unless he wants a booth.

[receptionist chuckles]

-Come on. Let's go. Let's get out of here.
-He's an award-winning chef.

I bet… I bet it's delicious here.

Let's just go.

[softly] Could you lock the door?
Lock the door?

That place was way too pricey
for you, Hamoodi.

Yeah. You know, fine dining is a rip-off.

They're upcharging all their customers.

Food's probably Sysco.

That was the road.
That was the road. What are you doing?

-Change of plans.
-No, no, no, no.

There's an itinerary.
We gotta follow the itinerary.

Trust me. It's fine.
I'm gonna add to the itinerary.

-Just one more stop.
-I don't wanna add anything.

Last time you added something,
you ended up in Mexico.

I don't wanna go to Mexico.

Why you gotta bring up Mexico?

[slow hip-hop music playing]

[Sameer] This isn't on the list.

You'll see.

You'll see.

Look, habibi,
if we're going to build our empire,

we've gotta start thinking big.

This is too big.

[Mo] Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Is there a manager or a buyer
I can speak with?

It's okay. I know you don't wanna
scale up this quick,

but Houston's our hometown.
We can handle it.

Houston has 2.3 million people.
Plus, this isn't part of the SMART plan.

-Look--
-Why are you… [mutters incoherently]

Let me handle this.
You've gotta trust me with it. Go, go, go.

Go wait outside. Just go…

-You're taking us way off course.
-Go wait outside. Wait outside.

-Hi.
-Hi. Can I help you?

-[Mo] Hi. Can I help you, Greta?
-Oh!

How you doing? I'm Mo.

-Hi.
-Pleasure to meet you.

It's such a lovely place you have.
Where's the olive oil?

Aisle nine.

Trick question.
You don't have this olive oil.

-I'm bringing you the best unfiltered…
-Oh boy!

…olive oil you've ever had
in your whole life.

You can see the fragments of olives in it.

-I appreciate your gumption…
-It's the closest thing--

…but I don't have the bandwidth
for this today.

Greta, just two minutes of your time.

[Greta] Don't wanna be rude,
but I can't do this.

Locally sourced, family-owned olive oil.

-You'll never find anything like it.
-You have a good day. Okay?

I would love to have a good day.

Truth is…

My girlfriend broke up with me.

-Oh!
-And look, I'm Palestinian,

and the first thing she does
after we split,

she starts dating an Israeli.

Oh! Yeah, that's messed up.

I cry every day.

It's like I'm pregnant or something.

And this guy, who's named Guy, by the way.

I mean, how annoying is that?

f*cking basic.

Happens to be
some hotshot chef or something.

Are you talking about Guy from Tari?

g*dd*mn it, you know him too?

-Yeah, he buys from us.
-Of course.

All the employees
can't stop talking about him.

-Why?
-Have you looked into his eyes?

It's like staring into the ocean.

Greta, you're k*lling me.

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, if it makes you feel any better,

my husband just left me for a 23-year-old.

Can you believe that?

It's like I'm living in a g*dd*mn cliché.

I'm sorry.

-It does make me feel better, though.
-[sighs]

And you know what the worst part is?

I still feel like it's somehow my fault.

Like, if I'd gotten Botox or something,
maybe he'd have stayed.

Which is so f*cked up.

It's so f*cked up.
I walked into his restaurant.

It's so nice!

From the chandeliers to the napkins,
I mean, he made some good f*cking choices.

[Greta sighs]

All I got is this olive oil
that I'm hocking out of my trunk

and these sad puppy eyes.

Well, forget him.

We have to focus on our own journey.

And I want to take you on a journey.

An olive oil journey.

-[laughs]
-Come on. Come on.

All right. Fine.
Let me taste the olive oil.

Closest thing you're gonna have
to hand-pressed olives.

[Greta] Let's see it.

[Mo] This is liquid gold.

[Yusra] You're so pretty.

You are so beautiful.

You are.

[in Arabic] God bless you.

Enjoy with health and happiness, enjoy--

-Oh! [laughs]
-[in English] Oh, no. Please.

Oh, go ahead. Go ahead.

She loves to be petted and groomed.

[chuckles] She's a retired thoroughbred.

Well, abandoned, really.

-[Yusra] Poor thing.
-[horse neighs]

[Buddy] Yeah. Do you ride?

Uh, me? Yes, yes.

But it was a long time ago.

What's her name?

Fuzzy Boots.

-[Yusra laughs] Fuzzy Boots.
-Yeah.

What a beautiful name.

Yeah, my wife Patty picked it out for me.

How come I never saw your wife?

Oh, I…

She…

She, uh, returned to the bosom of Abraham.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right.
It's been a long time.

Y'all… Y'all know Abraham?

Of course we know him.
Abraham, peace be upon him.

Alayhi salam.

We mention his name
five times a day when we pray.

You know, Buddy, my husband, Mustafa…

[in Arabic] May God have mercy on him.

[in English] …also passed away
a long time ago,

when Mo and Sameer were really young boys.

Mmm. I'm sorry to hear that.

Thank you.

And my Patty, now,
she loved talking to these horses.

Who doesn't like to talk to Fuzzy Boots?

-[Buddy chuckles]
-[Yusra] Tell her something.

-Oh, no.
-Oh, no, please.

-Oh.
-I insist.

Oh, uh…

Uh…

I love you, Fuzzy Boots.

I love you very much.

[Yusra] Perfect.

[both laugh]

I don't know,
that seemed weird doing that.

[Yusra] No, no, no.

It came from the heart.
That's what matters.

[in Arabic] God bless you. God bless you.

I'll have the delivery for you here
next week.

Okay, sounds good.

-All right.
-Oh, and just between me and you,

everything about Tari,
trying way too hard.

Thanks.

Have a good one, Greta.

[softly] Yes.

Sameer?

[loudly] Sameer!

[shouts] Sameer!

Sameer, you almost gave me a heart attack.

You told me to go wait outside.

Guess what? I sold ten cases for us.

Fast rise, fast fall.

Damn it, Sameer.
Can't you just be happy for us?

You don't understand the numbers, Mo.
You're not good at math.

I don't understand numbers,
but I understand people,

which you know nothing about.

I haven't read your SMART systems,

but I'm pretty sure
calling potential customers fat

isn't part of the f*cking playbook!

Has it ever occurred to you,
for one second,

this has been the worst week of my life?

[in Arabic] Don't curse.

[in English] I'm sorry I called an audible
and scored us a f*cking touchdown!

[in Arabic] Don't curse at me, Mohammed!

[in English] Hey, I'm sorry.

-[Sameer hyperventilating]
-I'm sorry.

Breathe.

Put your hands on your lap.

[gasps for air]

Put your hands on your lap.

Breathe.

Breathe.

[Mo breathing deeply]

[Sameer breathing raggedly]

[softly] I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

[Mo exhales deeply]

[Maria] Mo!

-Mo!
-[softly] sh*t.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Sorry, I didn't see you
because I was sawing.

I saw now.

-Okay.
-That's what I do.

What are you doing here?

Um, I just wanted to tell you face-to-face
that I'm sorry.

Okay. Um… Uh-huh.

I'm serious. I didn't know
you were going to be at Nick and Toya's.

Can you stop sawing, please?

[Mo sighs]

I should've told you about Guy
when I first saw you.

I should have told you who he was.

I'm sorry.

That's it?

You're not gonna apologize
for dating an Israeli?

Mo, I'm dating a person, not a country.

Oh my God!

After all the things I've told you
that my family's gone through?

It's not about you, Mo.

-Oh, it isn't about me?
-Mm-mm.

[scoffs] Let me get this straight, okay?

We've been broken up a month or two,

and all of a sudden,
you found the one random Zionist to date.

It wasn't like that.

It just wasn't.

What do you see in him? Tell me. Come on.

-Uh, he's a good listener.
-I'm a good listener.

I met a lady today. She told me
all about her divorce.

We… We try new things all the time.

I try new things all the time.

I'm running out of things.
That's how many things I'm trying.

He took me to a play the other day.

I took you to a play.
I bought you tickets to The Nutcracker.

You didn't buy those tickets.

Somebody gave them to you
for a fake Louis V.

And The Nutcracker is not theater.
It's ballet.

[theatrically] Oh, all of a sudden,
Maria, the theater aficionado.

"To be or not to be."

That is thy question, oh, Maria.

He's not a child, okay?
That's what I like about him.

That's what I really like.
He's got his sh*t together.

Why? Because he owns
some f*cking restaurant?

No. 'Cause he doesn't live at home
with his mommy.

Oh! [fake gasps]

[exhales deeply]

You know that's a cultural thing.

You been holding that against me
the entire time we dated?

No, I wasn't. Maybe a bit, but it's--

[officer on ankle monitor]
This is an official alert.

-What's that?
-What was what?

[officer] Please acknowledge this test.

That.

Amber Alert? Check your phone.

-I don't have my phone.
-[officer] g*dd*mn it.

This is your ICE deportation officer, man.
Acknowledge the test.

Are you wearing an ankle bracelet?

I got deported, okay?

Oh my God, Mo.

No.

[sighs]

You won.

Go watch some Shakespeare.

Mo.

Can you please go?

Please!

I'm going.

I'm going.

[ankle monitor beeps]

[officer] This is
your ICE deportation officer.

Acknowledge. Acknowledge.
Acknowledge this test.

I acknowledge.

Yes. I f*cking acknowledge.

[officer] Bro, no lie.
That sounded brutal.

How long were you listening?

Don't worry about it, nutcracker.

[door creaks]

Ah, perfect.

["Moving Mountains"
by Bun B & Statik Selektah playing]

♪ I feel like I'm on a mountain ♪

♪ And I'm trying to keep my balance ♪

♪ Mic check, one, two ♪

♪ 'Cause there is no need to doubt ♪

♪ What I was always meant to be ♪

♪ It's been a long time comin'
But it's better than never though ♪

♪ It's Bun B, they pulled out the veteran
I forever go ♪

♪ Hard in the paint
And still represent for the underground ♪

♪ And still goin' harder
Than these other clowns ♪

♪ Don't f*ck around ♪

♪ This ain't chess or checkers, mayne
This is real life ♪

♪ And these dirty n*gg*s is still shite
I still might ♪

♪ Have to go back to my old ways ♪

♪ And even though I know
This ain't the old days ♪

♪ When I used to hold 'K's ♪

♪ I still handle sh*t like a gangsta
A gentleman ♪

♪ We ain't gotta bring in no middlemen ♪

♪ I'm speaking for the trill ♪

♪ And I'ma stand on it
Put your hand on it ♪

♪ I'ma leave you laying where you stand
Understand, homie ♪

♪ It's that triple OG that like to smoke
And keep it low-key ♪

♪ What you doin' now I did in '03 ♪

♪ Don't hold me ♪

♪ I paid the cost to be the boss
Now I'm the CEO ♪

♪ You came up short, movin' too slow
n*gg*s C-3P0 ♪

♪ Or R2-D2, that's right, I see you ♪